Is There A Woogy In The House?

Heh. "Dolt-heavy." That didn't used to be redundant.

On the first floor of the Manor, everything suddenly starts shaking. The vibrations stop after a few seconds, but not before we the show's first glimpse of Grams, in the form of a picture on the slanted wall to the lower leg of the staircase. I don't think we've seen that picture before or since, and I'm hardly surprised. Maybe Prue or Piper moved it to the Bimbo Boudoir in the hopes that Grams's stern visage would cow Phoebe into not being such a hag. If so, I think it's safe to say it didn't work. The three Ps come scuttling down the stairs to exposit that they just experienced an aftershock and not anything demonic. Yet. Phoebe natters that earthquakes give her the "jeebies," which is retarded, because you can't really have "jeebies" without "heebie," since that's the expression, but that's just a setup so Prue can teasingly ask, "The Phoebe-jeebies?" Twenty-seven seconds in, and I already want to kill someone. No wonder the Glamorous Ladies have had to fight for their lives so many times. Surfing into the kitchen on a wave of tiresome blather, the Ps kindly tell us about a smell that's coming from the basement. Prue wonders if it could be a gas leak. Piper starts to tell us that she called someone to come check it out, and hey! No need for a shower today, as the doorbell heralds my first Cleansing Burst of Synchronicity! Of course, that doesn't mean I won't be scrubbing the unclean feeling off myself later anyway. In fact, I'd lay odds.

Where was I? Oh, watching Piper leave to get the door, which allows Prue the chance to bitch to Phoebe about getting roped into hosting a dinner party at the Manor for some stupid Buckland's client. Well, she doesn't say it quite like that. Phoebe reassures Prue that with Prue hosting, Piper cooking, and Phoebe serving, the dinner will be a smashing success. Mentally mixing those ingredients, Prue freaks some more, and can you blame her? Piper and the gas man, who's been on every show you've ever heard of and plenty you haven't, thankfully interrupt this nonsense, and the gas man turns up his nose like he just smelled the shooting scripts of later seasons of the show. Prue freaks some more about the fact that a gas leak would mean they can't use the oven, but Piper calms her down, saying she can have the food cooked at [72virg=ins] and brought to the house. I wonder why they're not pursuing that plan anyway, but as we later find out, Prue's freaking out about a dinner for, at this point, five people including the three sisters, so Piper's calmness seems like the appropriate reaction. And by far the less irritating. Don't worry, she'll have her turn.

Anyway, Piper directs the gas man downstairs, and when he's gone, the elder Ps start in on Phoebe about her fear of the basement. I have to say that I was never a big fan of going into my basement alone, so of all the reasons to give Phoebe shit, this one ranks somewhere around "googol." Prue teases that there might be a boogyman down there, or, as Piper corrects, a "Woogyman," which is how Phoebe pronounced the word when she was a child. Well, in that case, let me just express this thought: Phoebe, you're one hell of a witch. Phoebe protests that she was only five, and Prue snarks on her for not having gone back down there in eighteen years. Which, well, not, but who can expect the "writing" "team" to keep track of things that happened twelve whole episodes ago? Of course, if you want to argue that the real problem is that they can't subtract five from twenty-one correctly, I'm not going to be the one to tell you you're wrong. Anyway, Phoebe protests that the thing in the basement was real, but Piper counters that Grams told her she got rid of it to humor Phoebe so she'd sleep better. I don't know why Grams didn't just tell them all the truth. If she'd had it in her head that she might have to bind the Ps' powers someday, I could see it, but that doesn't jive with the upcoming events of "That '70s Episode," so I'm going to bust out the one-word sanity-saving defense mechanism we recappers are so often forced to fall back on: Whatever.

Downstairs, the gas man is startled when the light shorts out, but pulls out a flashlight. Walking forward, he trips and almost takes a header. There's a large crack in the floor, and considering there was just an earthquake, I'd think he'd be looking out for such things. He takes out a tool and starts playing with the crack. Oh, you naughty, naughty gas man. Give it to that floor, baby. What? Something snaps, and steam pours out, followed by a black cloud. The effect isn't overdone, and as such is spookier than I would have expected. The cloud breathes, in a deep electronic mwa-ha-ha voice that's also far creepier than it has any right to be, that the gas man has freed it, and will now help it "take back the hoooooouuuuuuussssssseeeeee." Speed up the Dumbledore-esque delivery there, Cloudy.

Upstairs, Piper asks who "Chanda Lier" is. Apparently it's a pseudonym Phoebe used to score some fake CDs, and if Phoebe's going to commit fraud, you'd think she'd pick a name that's less obviously fake than "I.P. Freeley," but again, whatever. This is all so Prue can make a stupid and strained comment about Phoebe's "dark side" coming to the surface. Prue, honey, if you think that's bad, you should just be glad you didn't live to see Season Four. Even if the rest of us still miss you. Sniff. Phoebe says she doesn't have a dark side (hee) and she's not innocent (duh). Piper babbles something else about the Woogyman, and Prue snarks that Phoebe used to keep them up all night about it when the three of them were sharing a room, like, nice one, except last time I checked, the Manor had three bedrooms, and Finola took The Swim That Needs No Towel long before Phoebe was five, so unless Grams insisted on having a separate room for her gentleman callers, that's utter horseshit. Maybe that's the odor they smelled earlier. On the other hand, it would be amusing to consider that they if they shared a room, it would have had to be the Bimbo Boudoir. Phoebe pouts and whines some more until the gas man reappears. Piper asks for a verdict, and the answer is "bad." Couldn't have said it better, my man. Prue babblingly asks for clarification, which comes thusly: "By tonight, there will be no more problems." I've seen this episode, dude, and you're lying. And here I thought we understood each other. Prue and Piper run off, and thanks for that, considering I'm halfway through page three and we're still in the teaser.

Which is still going on. Downstairs, the gas man turns to face the wall. His shadow turns randomly from one side to another, as if Alfred Hitchcock were trying to capture his better side or something. The gas man asks the shadow which one he wants. Phoebe hollers down that she'll be upstairs if he needs her. The shadow breathes, "Phoebe." Cole, is that you? No? Credits.

Some alterna-testicle shouts something about the boogyman over the daytime opening travelogue. Said testicle drops us off at Buckland's, where Prue is cleaning up her office from the effects of the earthquake. She uses her telekinetic power to fix one of the pictures that's gone crooked, in another example of the horribly tired ritual of demonstrating the sisters' powers at the beginning of each episode. The only thing stopping me from grinding my teeth in frustration is the thought of seeing the orthodontist I had as a teenager again. Brrrr. But seriously, (a), of all the sisters, Prue would know not to use her powers in a place where she could easily be spotted, and (b) if she did, she certainly wouldn't use them badly. Claire neatly demonstrates both my points my walking in a second later and noting that the framed print in question is crooked. Kudos to the writers for pointing out their own inadequacies so prettily -- I didn't know they had it in them. (The "prettily" part, that is.) Anyway, Claire has the "guest list" of "clients important to Buckland's," but since no one shows up at the house other than said Professor, Claire, and the Professor's assistant and possibly slampiece (well, who knows?), it isn't so much a "list" as it is a "name." At the top of the "list" is a "Professor Whittlesley," whose family is rich or something. Claire exposits that the Prof's interested in the Manor, and Prue should keep her happy. I'll give Claire this: She doesn't screw around with the exposition. It's much appreciated. The Professor in question walks into Prue's office without introduction, like, nice manners, and tells Claire that she'd like to bring a guest that night, like again, NICE MANNERS, but this is the stuff C-plots are made of. Claire doesn't bat an eye, and tells Prue the dinner will be "five, plus one." So, six, then. I'm only checking because this show will make you question your math skills. Among other things. Professor Manners notices Prue, and smiles until Claire remembers to introduce them. The professor says how excited she is to be spending the evening in a house with "such history," and while I haven't seen every episode of this show (I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I watch anything more with Little Jenny or Greasy Dan), I'd be willing to bet that the house's architecturally iconic status hasn't been mentioned before or since, so let's skip the bullshit, shall we? Professor Manners babbles about the house standing on a "spiritual nexus," and you can practically see the cartoon dollar signs in Claire's eyes as she patiently listens to the professor drone on. The two of them leave, and Prue steels herself to tell Piper the latest Greek tragedy.