First off, huge mega-props to Demian, for consistently putting up with the craptastic nature of this show for so long in order to turn out such side-splitting recaps. And by "craptastic nature of this show," I don't just mean "Phoebe." We're talking assy nimrods, stoopid magikal kreatures, Not!Warts...well, I could go on and on, but I don't want to thank him by bringing up too many traumatic experiences, so let's just say he rocks, because he? Rocks.
Hey, not only is this episode from the relative virtuosity of Season One, it's Dolt-free! Score! Hello, episode grade! (I really did just tick it up. Stupid Dolt.)
We open with a shot of the full anvil. Piper stands to her SUV in what I'm going to call Golden Gate Park until they give me a reason not to. Piper, on her cell phone, whines to Phoebe that she knows what a jack is, she just doesn't know how to use it. Three seconds in, and I've already gotten my weekly fill of meta-commentary. But the conversation's nowhere near over, as Phoebe, who's sitting with the Not-Yet-Late-Lamented Prue at the bar of [72virg=ins], tells Piper that she'll walk her through it, as she used to date a mechanic. Hey, I know I'm new around here, but you don't have to make the jokes that accessible. Phoebe uses the words "ratchet" and "easy" in the same sentence, and even gives a demonstrative hand gesture. If there was any question as to whether I am easily amused, I can tell you definitively that it has now been settled. Piper can't find the handle with which to "ratchet" (hee) the jack, and tries to use a long wooden spoon instead, which Phoebe doesn't need the power of premonition to tell her is going to break. Incidentally, if I can go off on the first of what I'm sure will be many tangents in this recap, this little scene illustrates why, in the first season, I actually liked Phoebe better than Piper. I found Piper too helpless-little-girl for my tastes, and while Phoebe was a slut, that's not anything I have a problem with in and of itself. Of course, I can't look at Season One Phoebe now without knowing what a brainless, selfish, horrid, skeletal crone she's going to turn into, so it's hard to be objective here. But if I seem nasty to Piper, that's why. That, and the fact that her hair hadn't quite taken on the glossy sheen of later seasons.
Did I just admit that I watched Season One when it originally aired? Whoops. As if I weren't already going to get all the respect of a substitute teacher.
So where was I? Oh, the hostess beckons to Prue that their table is ready as Phoebe tells Piper that she and Prue will come get her. Piper, not even at [72virg=ins], goes into martyr mode, saying that she can figure it out, and then that she has to call the "Auto Club," which isn't so much figuring it out, unless she was referring to their phone number. She hangs up, worrying Phoebe, but Prue suggests they call back in fifteen minutes. For the continuity-minded among you, Phoebe is drinking Perrier, so unless I missed an episode somewhere along the line where Phoebe got tanked, they've been consistent about the fact that she doesn't drink. Also, Prue left a nearly-full drink on the counter. Prue, you're spending the evening with your sisters. You're gonna need the sauce. Phoebe asks what Prue thinks of her "idea." I'm surprised Prue's heart didn't give out just at the fact of Phoebe having one. Prue's conflicted, as the "idea" entails hiring Phoebe as her assistant. In expressing what I think of that plan, I'm going to do a Charmed take on an old SNL skit and call it "Eilish Jeans." Phoebe, however, doesn't agree with me, saying that she's great with phones, better with people, and "very computer-friendly." Getting boinked in the computer room in high school doesn't count, hon. Also, not. Prue smirks patiently through Phoebe's pitch, which includes, "When opportunity knocks, I answer the door." Opportunity can just get in line. Anyway, Prue finally gives in with a "Kin you start tomorrow?" Phoebe excitedly, and even somewhat endearingly, says yes, and immediately squelches the burgeoning likeability by asking Prue for a ride. Prue smiles all, "What have I gotten myself into?" One hell of a boring B-plot, sweets.
Piper's phone dies, and she -- wait for it -- sighs in frustration. From the nearby bushes, we're ordered to pay attention by The Tell-Tale Sound Of Something In The Bushes. It would have been much more fun if they played the "CHI-chi-chi-chi-chi AH-ah-ah-ah-ah" music from the Friday The Thirteenth movies, but they probably would have had to pay rights for that. I doubt the estate of Edgar Allan Poe ever thought to claim the soundtrack rights to his stories, but you never know with relatives. Where was I again? Oh, yes. Piper spies a telephone booth so incongruous in these rather dark woods that I half-expect Abe Lincoln to step out of it with a "Party on, dudes!" And then Billy The Kid could sweep Piper off her feet and marry her, obviating the Dolt. Please, phone booth. Obviate the Dolt. Sigh. She starts toward it, but hears a twig snap nearby. If I were Piper, and if this were really Golden Gate Park, I wouldn't worry about the denizens of those bushes being interested in her, if you take my meaning. Prue would be an entirely different story. Piper, however, quickens her pace. We hear The Tell-Tale Sound again, and another noise amps Piper's fear up some more. She looks around wildly, and eventually, a large creature, partially obscured by the bushes, stands up. Piper shrieks, as opposed to later seasons when she shrikes, and runs for the phone booth. She gets inside, but the creature immediately attacks, knocking it and her over. The creature, incidentally, strongly resembles a person trapped in werewolf costume that was the only thing left on the shelves at the Halloween store at 5 PM on October 31st. No wonder it's pissed off. The Get Me Out Of This Stupid Costume punches through the glass, but before it can attack Piper further, some dude runs out of the bushes and attacks it with a flare gun. No, it's not Anthony Michael Hall. The creature runs into the woods. Piper now reveals to the camera that she's got three very fake-looking (those things should be spewing blood) gashes on her forearm. Not!hony Michael Hall rushes up and tells Piper everything's going to be okay. Two words for you, buddy: Death. Warrant. Piper goggles us into the opening credits.
"I am the sun, I am the air..." Oh, stop it, I'm kidding! Kidding! Save your emails. Heh.
The opening travelogue is accompanied by the horrific screechings of an ovary. It may say something about her career in the past five years that it took me almost the whole song to realize that the singer is Jewel. Heh. And, ew. Someone I know once remarked that Jewel has the roundest face of anyone he's ever seen, and it's true. You could draw a perfect circle right around her face. Anyway, Prue and Phoebe stalk into a hospital in search of their injured sister. They meet Andy on the way in, and as they enter, Piper whines about all the blood. I'd be whining more about the horribly-dubbed line she just uttered, but whatever. There's some clunky exposition about Piper and Andy both having AB negative blood, and since said exposition comes complete with Andy's lipless smile, I think you'll understand when I say that this scene is not off to a rollicking start. Anyway, Piper doesn't need stitches, so Prue goes to settle the bill while Phoebe asks why Piper didn't freeze her assailant. Good question, Feebs. Piper whines that she was "trapped" in a phone booth, and her power doesn't work outside the room she's in. Leaving aside the point that it's debatable whether her powers wouldn't extend outside a phone booth, particularly after the window had been shattered, must I really point out that she voluntarily trapped herself in the phone booth? I mean, I get that she was terrified, but it wouldn't have taken much in the way of brains to freeze the thing first and figure out what to do afterward. Oy.
Not!hony Michael Hall joins the party, and now that I see him in good light, I can tell you that the actor's most famous role was Mikey Randall on Parker Lewis Can't Lose, and if this is what he looked like five years ago, I can only imagine that it would be pretty depressing to see Corin Nemec these days. I loved that show, though, so even though this dude's name is Billy, he's Mikey for the recap. Andy gets all blustery cop with Mikey, who tries to light a cigarette in a hospital in California, like, this exposition couldn't be more awkward if it were going on its first date. Anyway, Prue, instead of just saying something, for some reason freaks and literally runs up to him and blows out his Zippo. Mikey's all, oh, sorry, duh, and then blathers that it was no coincidence that he was there, as the creature..."Creature?" Andy asks in a My, Aren't You Droll voice. Andy? Less jest, more chest. Okay, that was awful, but really, he needs to shut up and get naked. A lot. Anyway, Piper backs Mikey up about the whole "creature" thing, and then a woman walks in from nowhere with a "Describe it." Everyone looks at Prue to see whether she's going to strap her bitch on. Well, not really, but they should have, because this is not the way to introduce yourself to the Prueminator. The woman, who's quite attractive but also seems sort of weirdly...oily, recognizes Mikey, and asks what he's doing there. We don't learn her first name, but in the interest of giving absolutely nothing away about the A-plot here, I'll just randomly call her "Wendy." Mikey tough-guys that he's "hunting that thing," and Mikey, as I indicated earlier, the day is long past where your looks can overcome your line readings, so two more words for you: Acting. Coach. Andy introduces Wendy as "Special Agent Fallon of the FBI," and I just have to take a break and say, again for what will probably be the first of many times: What. The. Fuck? First off, we've discovered that it's morning here, so it took Piper from the dinner hour until the morning to get taken to the hospital and have a few lousy bandages put on her arm? I mean, I know it can take ages to be seen in the ER, but that still seems excessive. More unbelievably, it took Prue and Phoebe that long to find out where Piper was and get to the hospital? God.
Inny-way, Piper describes the creature as "a cross between a werewolf and Charles Manson." Wait, was he in the suit? Wendy asks if it had yellow eyes and talon-like hands, and upon hearing an affirmative, asks to speak to Andy. More exposition that sounds like a steel can falling down a metal garbage chute as they reveal that Piper is the first person to survive an attack by the creature, unlike some killings in Chicago and New Orleans, and unlike a guy they found "last night" with his heart ripped out, at the news of which Wendy doesn't react, but since there's no way she could have known about that if they found him at night, because she wouldn't have been around, because she would have been in her animal form, it makes no sense for both actors to play it as if Wendy already knew about it. What. Ever. Andy says he sent for the coroner's report, but Wendy tells him the case is out of his jurisdiction, and should I even bother asking why these two have had any contact before now if that's the case? Wendy gets all Mulder, saying that Andy doesn't want the case anyway, as it's obvious that the "perp" is neither human nor animal. I thought Andy was the Mulder and Darryl was the Scully, but I guess in this episode, Andy's the Scully, and Darryl's the guy who's turning tricks to make up for the money he's not getting for being in this episode. Come on, doesn't he sometimes show up on the set after a break looking like he's been ridden hard and put away wet? Anyway, Andy blows a hole in my theory by saying that he's got an open mind about exactly what the creature is. Overhearing this, Prue and Phoebe share a very sisterly moment of disapproval at how chummy Andy and Wendy are being. Heh. Prue asks Mikey why he had the flare gun, and he tells them the thing's afraid of fire. Asked how he knows, Mikey tells his sob story about how the thing ripped his fiancée's heart out before he scared it off with a log from their campfire. It would all be very sad except for the minor point that I don't give a flying fuck. And why not? See the two words I gave Mikey above. Anyway, Mikey tells them he came to kill it. Expressionless reaction shot of Piper. Expressionless reaction shot of Prue. Expressionless reaction shot of Phoebe. It's not just me, is it?
Manor kitchen, later the same morning. Piper sits poring over the BoS as Prue bustles about. Seeing a pot about to boil over, she squints and TKs the dial to "off." Jeez, I'm glad they don't feel like they have to introduce us to the sisters' powers every episode anymore. Imagine how tiresome it would be to see Phoebe hooting and yodeling through the air in the first scene of every wretched show. Phoebe walks in wearing a brown business suit. As she enters the scene, she grabs her breasts emphatically, and if that's supposed to be some dialed-down equivalent of a crotch-grab, she can just think again. Of course, it could just be that one of her implants turned over or something. Phoebe kisses Prue's ass for a moment, and then advises Piper to go to the doctor, even though she just came from the hospital. Gah. Piper babbles something tiresome about how she's got to help Mikey, but under duress, promises she won't do anything without her sisters. Prue goes to warm up the car or something, and Phoebe starts an annoying freak-out about her first day on the job. Piper: "You're one of the smartest people I know." Ha. Hee hee hee. Ah-ha ha ha ha ha. Hoo, boy. Piper Halliwell, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, wait, she was serious. Well, I guess that proves that Piper's exposure to other human beings has been almost nonexistent. It would explain why she finds the Dolt attractive, anyway. Phoebe thanks her for the pep talk, and leaves.
When she's gone, Piper turns the page, and finds an entry on her creature, which is called, unsurprisingly, "The Wendigo." We get a good look at a rather lengthy entry on the Wendigo, part of which reads, "The Wendigo is a non-dead creature that roams the earth destroying the good-hearted and those in love. His fate is to wander the earth feasting on human hearts." The first Wendigo apparently fed on the heart of a lover that betrayed him, and his heart was turned to ice as a result. Also, the Wendigo looks like a human except when the full moon is out. I did a quick search for the Wendigo, incidentally, and the legend of this creature does exist, but although the Charmed version is a bastardization, it's not offensively so, unlike many, many examples I could mention, so I won't dwell on it. Also, this short story was based on the legend of the Wendigo.
Look at me, doing research for a Charmed recap! Aren't I just the cutest thing?
Sigh.
Oh, good, a scene I can fast-forward through. Prue's showing Phoebe the room where they keep the stuff they auction off on behalf of the city. I didn't know cities farmed that task out to expensive auction houses when they could do it themselves, but whatever. After mentioning that the stuff they don't sell gets tossed (dude, eBay), Prue asks about the lot, which is a "gold bracelet" estimated at $375. The thing has a heart on it with the initials "T.L." To my untrained eye, its worth looks south of $3.75. The fact that Phoebe slobbers over it isn't doing much to change my opinion, either. Everything's going just hunky-dory between Prue and Phoebe until Phoebe paws the cheap trinket and is flung into a grainy premonition wherein she sees a car veer off a hilly road. She calls to Prue, who's already closing the door she just started to open without having gone through it, like, nice directing there. Phoebe informs her eldest sister of what she saw, and Prue, of course, freaks when Phoebe declares that she has to find out to whom it belongs. This tedious scene is interrupted by the arrival of Claire, Prue's new boss as of "Feats Of Clay," whose purpose is to inform the audience that the auction is that day, and also to admire the tacky-assed jewelry with a "That should sell quickly." Two words, Claire: As. If.
[72virg=ins]. Piper tells a strung-out-acting Mikey the name of the creature. She then informs him that it feeds on human hearts. Mikey: "WHAT?" First off, sweet Mary, Mikey, you are one of the worst actors I've ever seen. Try a new facial expression. You can't do any worse than this one. Second, a savage animal ripped out your fiancée's heart in front of you, and you're shocked to learn that it was feeding? If these are the people Piper encounters in the course of her day, maybe it actually makes sense that she thinks Phoebe's a brain trust. Well, nah, but still, this guy's sure a low-wattage bulb. Piper tells him most of what she learned from the book, and Mikey, looking like he just downed an entire bottle of No-Doz or something, speculates that it takes love away from others. Piper doesn't volunteer the part about the Wendigo going after people with good hearts or those in love, but if I could read the damn book using the pause button, she should have been able to memorize the damn entry. Besides, this scene is pointless filler in an episode that's been far too slow already, so let's cut to the chase: Piper reminds Mikey of his wife, a revelation that makes Piper look more uncomfortable than a virgin at a prison rodeo. She tells him the Wendigo will attack again that night, and he calls her a "Ph.D. in Wendigo." Good thing I'm a Ph.D. in cleaning projectile vomit off computer monitors. It's a requirement for a job at TWoP.
Piper volunteers to tell Andy what she knows, but Mikey wants to tell Wendy instead, as she's "already a believer" and she's been great to him since his fiancée...er...[awkward silence]. Oy. When Piper stands up, she gets a little light-headed, but she makes Mikey promise to call her after he sees Wendy, and assures him that she can help him. He condescendingly touches her nose in reply. Mikey is dead to me. Don't worry, the rest of you will catch up. When he's gone, Piper gets a phone call from Andy, who's checking up on her. Wendy is in Andy's office, like, I thought she was going this one alone, but whatever. Piper informs Andy that Mikey is on his way to the "Federal Building" to meet with Wendy, whom I'm sure he couldn't have called, as she wouldn't have a cell phone as a Federal agent or anything. Where do they get these people? Andy relays the information to Wendy, who gets up to go. She notes that Andy's pretty familiar with Piper, and Andy confesses he dated "her sister." Wendy: "'Dated'? Past tense?" Is she looking for confirmation that "dated" is the past tense of "date?" Because if so, there's another person whom Phoebe is smarter than. And if not, that's such an annoying conversational technique that I'd totally rip her heart out, were it not made of ice. [SPOILER!] Oh, come on, the "Wendy" thing wasn't enough? Is Phoebe smarter than you people, too?
I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.
Anyway, they awkwardly segue into Andy telling Wendy that all the victims had AB negative blood. I'm sorry, but shouldn't he wonder that this FBI agent who's been on this case for two months failed to put that together herself? Sheesh. Anyway, Andy takes this information and goes in entirely the wrong direction with it, saying that it points to a ritual killing, which means a human assailant. That would be a lovely theory, except for the fact that the perpetrator would have had to learn the victims' blood type in advance. Mikey's later assertion that the victims were all killed in parks suggests that they weren't chosen beforehand, so the theory's hopeless. Phoebe's starting to look like a philosopher-king here. Wendy suggests a stakeout at the park that night. Andy: "I'll bring my flare gun." Oh, so we'll get to see how apt a nickname "Andy's House Of Beef" really is.
Outside the Federal Building, Wendy catches up with Mikey. He spills the name Wendigo, and she bristles, but covers by saying that the other agents already think she's a little weird, so why don't they talk on the way to his car. He excitedly babbles the stuff Piper learned in the book but forgot to tell him, like, whatever, and declares that it's going to attack again that night. Wendy plays along, but when Mikey starts to light a cigarette, she freaks at the sight of the fire. You'd think she would have trained herself not to flinch at the slightest flame, but then she wouldn't have a reason to break Mikey's neck with a vicious palm-heel to the chin. Other than his atrocious acting, that is. Oh, and despite the fact that this is the middle of a parking garage in daytime, no one witnesses this, which I suppose is a TV staple, but they could have done this in the shadows, which also would have made the flame much more jarring. Boy, if this is what recapping this show is like week in and week out, I think I'm going to buy Demian something nice for his birthday. Perhaps a live-in therapist. Wendy walks off with a satisfied smile. Yeah, nice job not taking him out in the last two months in more controlled circumstances. Did you notice that Phoebe's initials are in "Ph.D"?
Buckland's, Touched By A Slut plotline. Phoebe rushes up to Prue and tells her that she found out that the car in her vision belonged to a P.I. called "Franklin Bates," and that the accident happened in 1989. Also, the bracelet originally belonged to a five-year-old girl kidnapped by her father. A five-year-old girl who apparently, even adjusting for inflation, wears more expensive jewelry than any of my female friends. Phoebe speculates that the P.I. found the girl, but didn't live long enough to report his findings to her mother. I'm sorry, but WHAT? How could the agency not have followed up his investigation of a felony? This subplot is too stupid for words, so I'm going to spend as little time as possible on it from here on. Claire comes in, grabs the bracelet, and says she's already got two buyers interested. Whatever.
[72virg=ins]. Piper, looking like she just woke up from a case of night terrors, tries to cool down when an employee waves her over. Turns out there's a health inspector there, and he's not up for any nonsense. Piper breathily informs him of their health protocols. He notices that she appears indisposed, but she waves him off to have a look around. Once he's occupied, she heads straight to the freezer and buries her face in some frozen meat, like, gross. That meat's still preferable to the Dolt's, though. What? The health inspector soon notices what she's doing, and is appalled. I wonder if there's a code on his report for that. Piper recovers to order a flunky to chuck the meat that was pressed against her face, but the inspector is unamused, and sends her off home. About time, too.
Parking garage of death, like that's not redundant. Andy shows up, and Wendy tells him she found Mikey like this. In the tedium that follows, Andy speculates on the killer's motive, and Wendy dissembles and hits on him, unsubtly on both counts. They decide to go see Piper. Might want to bring a hose. For all parties involved.
Buckland's. An auctioneer sells something. Claire and Prue stand behind him, looking severe enough to be the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper. Of course, then they'd have to make out, which is pretty disturbing, but you just know it's one of Brad Kern's masturbation fantasies. Anyway, Phoebe comes bustling in during the auction, like, that's really professional, and starts nattering away about how the detective's old secretary helped her piece together where the kid is, like, WHATEVER, so Phoebe says they have to hold on to the bracelet at all costs in order to convince the mother of their credibility, which, even putting everything else aside, makes no sense, because if Phoebe knows where the girl is, she can just bring her to the mother instead of the cheap-assed fucking bracelet, and in fact, that's exactly what she ends up doing, so I hope I'm not going over my quota of this word when I say again, WHATEVER! All this is just an excuse for Prue to TK the numbered signs out of the hands of the people who start to bid on the bracelet, although if these people are willing to pay $375 or more for a tawdry piece of crap with someone else's initials on it, she should be TKing their tubes into knots, because they are clearly too stupid to be allowed to reproduce. Anyway, the bracelet rightly goes unsold, even if it's for the wrong reasons, Claire gives a "Whuh?" shrug, and Phoebe happily picks up the atrocity, like, really subtle, moron. Scene.
Manor. Piper answers the doorbell to find Andy there. She lets him in, and he notices that her arm has healed. She morphs into a Wendigo, and pulls him in. On the couch, she wakes up in a cold sweat. They didn't completely telegraph that dream sequence, so nice work, although I can't believe she didn't fantasize about killing Phoebe instead. The doorbell rings for real, and it's Andy again. Piper doesn't want to let him in, since it would be hard to explain to Prue that she stole her boyfriend's heart. And ate it. She changes her mind, however, when he tells her that Mikey's dead. After a bit of boring blather, Wendy makes her appearance. She asks Piper if she knows what Mikey was coming to tell her, and the ensuing conversation is so contradictory to the internal logic of the episode that it threatens to liquefy my brain and send it pouring out of my ears, so suffice it so say that Wendy feigns surprise when she hears that the Wendigo looks like a normal person when the moon isn't full, although I don't know where she imagined a large furry animal was hanging out the other twenty-eight nights of the month. Then again, plenty of people in San Francisco do like their bears. Relieved to hear that Mikey had no idea who the Wendigo might be, Wendy changes tacks, saying that she hopes Piper didn't get infected when the Wendigo bit her, which is just a bizarre thing to bring up, given what we know. It's like these people's IQs just got together for a rousing game of Chutes 'n' Ladders. Wendy gives Piper her card, saying to call her if she thinks of anything. Yeah, because if she's trolling for people in love, there are probably better places than the bushes of Golden Gate Park, for reasons alluded to above. Lust would be an entirely different story. After Andy and Wendy are gone, Piper looks under her bandage. Her arm...well, let's just say that the electrolysis bill would be murder, and waxing would constitute cruel and unusual punishment. Piper whimpers us into the commercial break.
Touched By A Zzzzzz. A fortyish woman who just happens to be black answers her doorbell to find Phoebe. Long and boring story shorter but still boring, Phoebe tortures the woman with the bracelet for a while until Prue, from around the corner, produces the daughter for a tearful reunion. I'm crying too. In anger. This girl couldn't have found her mother on her own? She's fifteen, for God's sake, and if Prue and Phoebe could get her and bring her here, she wasn't being held against her will. And again, where have the police been for the past ten years? Fuck you, Touched By A Skank subplot. Fuck you a lot. Phoebe and Prue cuddle up in the hallway, congratulating themselves, but just before the chunks in my throat reach the point of no return, Prue's cell phone interrupts. They're not leaving a very good taste, though, and I'm not exactly relying on the rest of the episode to be minty fresh. Anyway, Piper's not feeling well, and you know that Prue's thinking, "If she's actually sick enough to call, it's time to phone the guys from Outbreak." Which was probably written by the same person that penned this sludge. Argh. I need someone to share my pain.
Demian: Ha! Not even through the first recap and you're dying! Amateur.
Couch Baron: Don't be so mean! I'm taking this dreck off your hands.
Demian: You asked for it. Hee. What a maroon.
Couch Baron: You're right. I'm an idiot. But can I just ask you one thing? It would really help me out.
Demian: Fire away, rookie.
Couch Baron: What's a zoo?
Demian: AAAAAAUUUUUUGH!
That was low, but as I said, I needed someone to share my pain.
Wendy and Andy pick a position in the park. Wendy slyly gets Andy to turn off his cell phone, and then blathers about how she was so in love with her boyfriend and he just up and disappeared, so she took steps never to feel that way again, which requires a rather large amount of fanwankery to make sense, but I just don't have the energy here. Also, Wendy, the jilted woman-turned-murderer game is owned on this show by Melinda Clarke, so two words for you: Give. Up. Wendy then starts blatantly hitting on Andy. Just between you and me? He totally wants to nail her.
Piper's sisters arrive home to find her in quite the state. She shows them the effect of her new hair-growth treatment, and they're shocked. Prue gently asks if she can get upstairs, and Piper snaps at her, making it clear that the demon infection is starting to affect her personality. Phoebe says they're trying to help her. Piper: "Help me? You can't even hold a job." Hee. Can I have this Piper, please? I'd never be bothered by another telemarketer again. Piper ruins the fun by apologizing. Phoebe sees Wendy's card on the table to Piper, and picks it up. Wendy's real first name is Ashley, by the way, but that only makes me want to call her Asslee, so she's Wendy for the duration. Which is short, and it's a toss-up as to whether it's my brain or my liver that's the more grateful. Anyway, the card flings Phoebe into a premonition, wherein she sees Wendy morph into the Wendigo with Andy only a few steps away. Phoebe tells her sisters what she saw. Prue says she's going to try to call him, and sends the other two up to the attic to revisit the BoS. Finally, we're moving.
Upstairs, Piper bitches that they can't find anything, but Prue spies a Latin footnote that sends her to another part of the book. While I appreciate the clear demonstration that Phoebe is not the smartest Halliwell, this book was written by their ancestors, not Rupert Giles, so this is just another part that rings false. Especially since, with no offense to Grams or Finola, we've seen some dizzy bitches in their line. Er, "dizzy witches." Yeah. That's it. Anyway, Prue's knowledge of Latin makes Piper mouthy again. However, as we all know, there are only so many times you can get lippy with Prue before she smacks your bony hotel-heiress ass in the teeth and...whoops, that's real life, isn't it? On screen, Prue just tells Piper to fight the blood of the Wendigo. Getting back to the book, Prue learns that to cure Piper, they'll have to kill the Wendigo that slashed her "by melting its heart of ice." Piper frets that if they can't find Wendy, they'll have to kill her instead. Prue says that won't happen, but they will have to tie her up. Piper: "No! Go to hell!" Hey, you might like it. Probably not. Phoebe scampers off as Piper tells Prue to kill Wendy, and that it's her talking. Prue tenderly strokes Piper's hair, and then Phoebe returns with a pair of handcuffs. Ba-dum-bum. Although if I were Piper, the thought of Phoebe's sex toys touching my skin would be the point at which I really tell them to go to hell. Phoebe chains Piper to a pipe as she mentions to Prue that they need to stop and get a flare gun. Jeez, what's wrong with a good old-fashioned flamethrower? What a pussy Mikey was.
Park. Andy frets about his AB negative blood, and Wendy cues up the porn music. Scene.
Full moon. Piper screams, turns into a Wendigo, and escapes. Scene.
Full moon. Wendy asks Andy, who's got his back to her, how he is. Ready, willing, and a..."little on edge." She looks up at the moon, and smiles as her hand morphs into a paw. I'm willing to accept that she's developed a little more control over her transformations than Piper would have at this point, but not if it means her continuing to boringly hit on Andy. Anyway, Phoebe's premonition comes to pass. Andy shoots the beast a couple of times, with no effect, and she knocks him out and roars.
Phoebe and Prue arrive nearby. Look at them, working together! I only hope that Demian isn't crushed to death by the massive weight of irony when he recaps "The Power Of Two." The Wendigo rips open Andy's shirt. Way too late to save this episode, I might add. It's about to take its trophy, but hears Prue call Andy's name. It rushes to attack the Ps, but Prue shoots a flare its way. It misses, but scares the creature off temporarily. Prue reloads, and it's second verse, same as the first. Phoebe's cautioning Prue that they only have two flares left when they spy Andy's form. You'd think the number of flares they have is something they would have discussed in the car, but I suppose if you've made the decision to pay no attention to detail in an episode, you might as well take pride in your work.
Anyway, Andy's alive, but slashed. Hey, that means Piper could be getting lucky soon! Dude, anything's better than the Dolt. Prue biffs a third shot at the Wendigo, and Phoebe takes over. "This time, we don't fire until I see slobber on its face!" Sounds like a typical Friday night for the Feebs. Anyway, we get a little misdirection-based "drama" as Prue and Phoebe each think they see the Wendigo, and then realize that they're both right, so one of them must be Piper. Phoebe doesn't know what to do, but Prue panickedly tells her to shoot one of them and pray it's Wendy. Out of options, Phoebe complies. Her shot is pretty close, although a little high, but it doesn't matter because the Pipergo freezes it, along with Wendy. I really don't think that Piper would keep her powers as an evil creature, but I don't care. Why? Two words: Almost. Over. Phoebe hoots at Prue to do something, so Prue redirects the flare into Wendy's chest, and she turns to dust. Yay! Piper morphs back into herself, and, feeling the breeze, runs behind a tree. Phoebe attends to her as Andy's wound heals itself. Prue goes to him. He's all, what? Who? How? Prue says she'll explain everything later. That's a conversation I'd like to hear. Except for the part where I totally, totally wouldn't.
[72virg=ins]. Piper serves her sisters a cold drink as thanks for saving her "hide." They take a moment to mourn Mikey, which is nice, if more than he deserves. Piper asks Prue what she told Andy, and she actually basically told him the truth, minus the whole "I'm a witch and I'll turn you into a horny toad if you ever so much as look at another woman" part. Anyway, Andy was stunned, but Prue thinks he might have at least partially believed her. "It was the closest that we've ever come to having an honest conversation." I guess he gave you the "I'll respect you in the morning" speech back in high school, huh? Phoebe suggests that maybe Andy's more open to Prue's bitchcraft than she thought. Prue smiles at the thought, and then says it's time to go back to work. Phoebe quits, surprise surprise. Basically, it's too emotionally draining for her to be around all the premonition-filled bric-a-brac at Buckland's. So let me get this straight: Not only is Phoebe quitting gainful employment after a day and a half, one of the reasons she's doing it is to avoid her calling. She's just a tulip, isn't she? Phoebe says she needs to find her own world, and Prue says she will. Piper's voice goes deep: "Just stay out of my world or I'll kill you." She gets up, and Prue and Phoebe goggle at each other before Piper tells them she was kidding. Nicely played, Piper, and the funniest moment of the episode, as Prue and Phoebe make little "I'm crushing your head" gestures at each other in frustration. Too bad my heart turned to ice several pages ago.
I just took back the grade bonus I gave this episode. Why? Two words: It. Blew.