The Carrie Diaries loves to get through all the holidays in a season, so since the last episode was right after New Year's Eve, this one is right around Valentine's Day. It rarely has an episode that lands right on a holiday, but it's a good way to show the passage of time. Carrie is happily strolling through the streets of New York, thinking about all the wonders of Valentine's Day (and none of the massacres). Carrie has so many coats, I want to know where they come from and how well that internship pays.
She walks in to Sebastian's new place (which is Larissa's old place) and it's covered in man cave types of things, before man caves were a thing. Oh, how I long for simpler times. Sebastian has littered the place with skateboards and skateboard types of things. Carrie did not know Sebastian was into skateboarding, but look at that hair — it's a given. Sebastian tells Carrie to remember the name "Tony Hawk," because he's going to be huge. Audible exasperated sigh from the audience.
Sebastian wants to start a skate culture brand for gear and apparel. Carrie doesn't know what to make of all this (it's a good idea, though, take it from the future!). Sebastian says "enough about skateboards. Let's talk about Valentine's Day." What planet are we on and how do I get out? He made a reservation for them for dinner and Carrie has high hopes because it needs to be perfect.
Back at high school, where fewer and fewer people go, Maggie has received an acceptance letter to Central Connecticut University. But she doesn't have financial aid. Bleh, Maggie, you're so boring even after your miscarriage. Donna rolls up in a slutty, military-inspired getup to announce that it's military recruitment week. So is this like the fleet week episode of Sex and the City? She directs their attention to the recruiters and it comes to Maggie's attention that Donna and Mouse are friends now. Yes. Everyone should be friends with Donna. She's the best.
At Interview, Larissa goes over some bad modeling shots, Samantha volunteers to model and is quickly denied. Walt comes in, because of this wide-open-door policy that this magazine has, to meet up with Bennett to see the new Woody Allen movie. Samantha doesn't know who Woody Allen is and isn't that quaint. She tells them that for Valentine's Day, they all need to see her at her new place of business: the Heartbreaker party at Boy, the most fabulous gay club in the city. Larissa says the Heartbreaker party is legendary so she is in. Bennett wants to go but it makes Walt nervous. Carrie doesn't want to go because of her gross plans with Sebastian. Lame.
Sebastian is first to cancel, though, because he has the opportunity to pitch some ideas to Tony Hawk. What is up with this show promoting the idea that teenage relationships should take priority over career opportunities? I refuse to watch Carrie sulk about this and not be excited to go to a gay club with her friends instead. She whines to Larissa that Sebastian canceled on her and used their dinner reservations with Tony Hawk instead. Larissa is not sympathetic. I want to be her.
"There is nothing better than getting attention from beautiful men who don't want to sleep with you," Larissa explains to Carrie. She's so right. Carrie is wrong in every regard, even about Sebastian's business idea being a bad one.
At school, a recruiter stops Maggie in the hall and asks if she has ever thought about joining the army and while her first instinct is no, I bet it will be pretty appealing after a while. And by a while, I mean 10 seconds. She was an easy sell. This is how she and Rosie Larsen get murdered.
For whatever reason, Walt and Tom Bradshaw are splitting a heart-shaped pizza. Walt confesses he is not excited to spend Valentine's Day at a loud, crowded club. Tom tries to sympathize by talking about his dead wife but I don't know, it's just not the same thing at all. Tom will be chaperoning Dorrit and Scott's non-date of watching violent and depressing movies. Dorrit says they're just friends but Tom isn't buying it.
Carrie is getting ready for her night out when Sebastian takes a call from Tony Hawk and she overhears him saying he'd consider moving back to Laguna. Then he has the audacity to not pay attention to Carrie's shoes. That is just too much. He's super motivated and Carrie doesn't know how to deal, so she slips on a skateboard.
Sebastian tells her nothing is broken and he can get her some ice before he runs out for that meeting. He's being a douche, so a bruised Carrie calls his meeting "cockamamie" and confesses she doesn't think it can turn into anything real.
Back in Connecticut, Maggie has decided to join the army. Mouse tells Maggie how early she'll have to wake up and how she will have to cut her hair, and reminds her she can't even do a push-up. To fix this blooper, they need Donna. She plans to use her boobs to get onto the army base and convince them to rip up Maggie's paperwork.
Back in the city, Carrie and Sebastian are fighting a legitimate fight. They are both kind of wrong and kind of right. Carrie tells him she heard him say he'd move, then Walt shows up and Sebastian has to leave. Carrie yells him out the door and puts on yet another coat to go out.
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The Hearbreaker Party is everything I would want and more. It's like the classic Sex and the City parties. I still wonder how these teens keep getting alcohol, though. Larissa is wearing a zebra print dress and a sequined pillbox hat and I'm pretty much dead from how amazing this Valentine's Day is. Samantha rides in on a white horse, wearing a long blonde wig and undressed as Lady Godiva.
At the bar, Walt tells Bennett that this club might be "too gay" for him. Bennett says people are just letting loose, and despite Walt's protests, he says they're all bonded by living in a world where people think they shouldn't be allowed to love each other. Bennett says they don't want the conventional stuff so this is about what they can have. Yadda yadda, marriage equality.
Back in Connecticut, Donna, Mouse and Maggie try to manipulate their way onto the army base with boobs and deceit. It's such an enjoyable scene, I almost forgot to hate it for a second. I love Donna and Larissa, the two most reprehensible characters on this show. Donna's name isn't on the list, then she cries and gets her way in. At the Bradshaw home, Dorrit and Scott finish Soylent Green and are about to make their way into Scarface when Dorrit's friend calls on the phone crying. This gives Tom an opportunity to spy on Scott making sure he looks and smells good for Dorrit, and to see that he likes tennis (because he took a tennis racket out of his bag and inspected the strings, as ya do when ya like tennis). Tom talks tennis with Scott and uh oh, he's a great guy.
At Boy, Larissa is jealous of the gay male attention Samantha is receiving, while Carrie is mad to not be getting much attention from her boyfriend at all. They're both caught up in their own shit. Larissa barges through the crowd to ask Samantha for a turn on the horse and Samantha's fans offer to force Larissa out in the name of their diva. Larissa rips Samantha's wig off in a fit of jealousy but it still goes Samantha's way, as her boobs are magnificent. Larissa is escorted out by a bouncer because you can't get in a fist fight around a horse.
In the recruitment office, Donna, Mouse, and Maggie wait alone just long enough for Mouse to get caught trying to find Maggie's file.
After Larissa is hauled out, Walt confesses to Carrie and Bennett that he's having a good time. Bennett runs into his friend Martin, who was a good friend of his ex, Eric. Martin says Eric should have called him. Eric was just diagnosed and is dying of AIDS. Martin recommends Bennett take the test they have now. What a Valentine's Day bummer. But I'm proud of The Carrie Diaries for addressing the AIDS epidemic of the '80s.
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Walt is suddenly having a much worse time than he even imagined. Bennett tells Walt not to freak out, but Walt is freaking out. Taking the test together is not a solution for Walt. He yells at Bennett that this place and these people are not him and now AIDS? It's too much.
Tom Bradshaw, with the move of the night, plays his daughter like a fiddle. After Scott leaves, he tells Dorrit she's smart not to get involved with Scott. He kept an eye on him and thinks "he could be dangerous," saying this all the while knowing that Scott is a great guy. Tom says he doesn't want Dorrit seeing him at all, even as a friend, and Dorrit is like "you can't stop me." So, Tom has manipulated his daughter with a trick that will ensure she never trusts him again. Haha, yay, tricks.
At the army base, Donna's boobs have gotten them as far as they can get. But Maggie's knowledge of college sports and cool attitude end up winning the day. She confesses that she doesn't want to join the army after all. The recruitment guy rips up whatever he was writing about them and says Maggie could have just written a letter. Maggie flips her hair with a final thank you, and the recruitment guy gets her number which is so inappropriate and gross. But whatever, at least it's not AIDS.
Speaking of AIDS and the way it influences one's Valentine's Day, Carrie is crying at Sebastian's apartment after a long night. Sebastian comes in and assures her he's not moving but ugh, this isn't even about your stupid ambitions anymore, douche. Carrie cries some more, and tells Sebastian the whole issue. She can't find Walt anywhere, and it's all too much and she collapses into Sebastian's embrace. He offers to drive as they go find Walt. Walt is at the Bradshaw home, I think. Carrie hugs Walt, without words. Damn, this show is giving us drama.
The week, Walt and Bennett meet at a diner. Bennett got his results back and their tests both came back negative. Bennett says they're lucky. He visited Eric in the hospital and shit got real. Walt is upset that he even had to think about AIDS and rejects "the community" Bennett feels so passionately about. Walt says he never thought about all the things he'd have to give up when he came out. Walt says he can't "do this," and leaves Bennett teary-eyed in the diner.
Carrie has done some research about skateboarding and is feeling more excited for Sebastian and his opportunities. Sebastian tells Carrie he's there for her and isn't planning on moving. They both came around! Maggie is calling that army guy, Dorrit goes on a date with Scott, which is a victory for Tom, and now Samantha and Larissa are both riding the horse into Boy on just any old night. Bennett is sad and drunk at Boy, and Walt calls his mom asking to come home. Things are still relatively without consequences for Carrie.
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