Three minutes of previouslies to remind us of what happened just last night. Of course, nobody was watching then, but it's not like anybody's watching now, either. As things shift into color signaling that tonight's "action" is beginning, Parker DRs that Sheila and Adam should probably go after all, which is the opposite of what he said last night. After the Power Couple competition, Adam talks to Matt about his idea for a hair salon for special-needs kids, "so the retards can get it together and get their hair done." Sheila is deeply offended, as is anyone else in earshot and, indeed most of humanity.
Everyone reenters the house, and Sheila holds court among the women about how much she can't stand Adam. As she's talking about a family member of hers with Down Syndrome, things fall silent as Adam comes and raids the refrigerator. Later, Sheila has a one-on-one with Adam trying to convince him of how offensive his choice of words was. Adam isn't seeing it, because he figures that if you work to help the special-needs kids, you get to call them whatever you want. If you say so, hamster.
Allison flirts with Ryan; he's trying to play the part with her. It seems to be going okay, because she doesn't notice that he keeps cutting guilty looks back at his real girlfriend, Jen. Who in turn is giving Ryan the hairy eyeball from the couch. Jen DRs tearfully about how hard it is to watch, and then she and Ryan sneak a quick convo and kiss in an otherwise empty room while everyone's getting ready for bed. I can't wait until these two get busted. Which is okay, because something tells me I won't have to wait long.
Amanda and Alex are getting along great. She likes to parade around and do gymnastics in skimpy, tight clothes, and he likes her to do that too.
Jacob DRs that he wants to mess with people. Or, in his colorful phrase, "turn the chicken up." Outside in the evening, Jacob blathers unintelligibly to a few of the other guys that he doesn't trust Parker, for some reason. Parker's partner, Jen, joins the conversation, and Jacob claims, to her, that everyone thinks Parker's a "snake." Jen fakes a contact-lens issue to make her escape, and goes to find Joshuah. She also reports Parker's putative snake status to Parker himself, who heads right outside to confront Jacob and the rest of the guys. Jacob will only tell Parker that "everyone's" calling him a snake, but won't name any names. So then Parker makes the genius move of waking up the half of the houseguests who are asleep and calling a house meeting so that they can discuss it now. I don't think I'd appreciate it much if somebody woke me up for that. Let it go, Parker. Nobody speaks up, and Parker puts Jacob on the spot to tell on whoever said Parker was a snake. Jacob tries to dodge, because he doesn't actually have a name, and everyone quickly figures out that he's just making shit up. Sharon isn't happy about this either, because her partner's in the crosshairs, which means that she is too. Even draping herself over Joshuah doesn't seem to make her feel better.
In the PC room, Parker and Jen agree that he handled it well, and that now they need to warn Sharon. Who, as Jacob joins her in bed, glares at him brightly enough to make the night-vision cameras nearly superfluous. She's pissed at Jacob for fucking with shit without warning her. And also, I suspect, for being Jacob. I think I agree with her.
The morning, Parker calls Sharon up into the HoH room to ask her who called him a snake. Wow, this is really that important to him? Sharon plays it like she knows, but acts like she also promised not to tattle. But she leads Parker to believe that the snake-caller was Ryan. And we get the season's first misuse of the term "back-doored" as Sharon says she's just trying to move the target away from her idiot partner by whatever means necessary. And Parker DRs that if what Sharon said was true, Ryan might be leaving soon. Well, not if Jen has anything to say about it.
So later, Parker and Jen lie in the hammock as he tells her about the conversation with Sharon, and Sharon's claim that Ryan doesn't like him. However will Jen protect Ryan and their secret now? Well, she doesn't. Right away, Jen comes clean to Parker that she and Ryan are in a couple. "Scandalous!" Parker whispers. But Jen insists that she's in it to win with Parker, even if it means evicting Ryan later on. Parker seems cool with that. So Ryan comes over to join the twosome, and now that he knows Parker knows, he goes and takes Allison aside to let her in on the secret. Allison is not nearly as cool with this as Parker was; she was clearly already invested in this "relationship." But Ryan assures her partner, just like Jen did, that they're out to win it together. Allison DRs that Ryan would be better off with her, rather than with someone "catty and jealous and needing to be the center of attention" like Jen. Because Allison isn't like that at all. Allison doesn't trust Jen, Jen doesn't trust Allison, Ryan doesn't trust Parker, and Parker doesn't trust Ryan. So everything's good, then?
In the morning, the Sheila/Adam lovefest continues: turns out he snores. And Jen is getting almost as tired as Adam is of all her bitching. Not looking good for Sheila and Adam. On many levels.
The video monitor now reads "Eviction Today." The responsibility seems to weigh heavily on Jen and Parker as they convene the eviction ceremony. Jen starts crying, and Parker emotionally announces that Jacob and Sharon are the ones to go. There is much hugging and goodbye-ing, as if these people have known each other for more than a couple of days. In a joint Power Couple DR, Jen is still crying as she says that Sheila and Adam were obvious targets, hating each other and all and not being able to shut up about it, but that Jacob shot his mouth off, and Jen's devastated that Sharon had to go with him. Sheila and Adam realized that they dodged a bullet. I, on the other hand, am thrilled. No more difficulty telling Jen and Sharon apart! No more straining to understand what Jacob is mumbling about! And best of all, no eviction interview with Julie! That's an A for this episode, right there.
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Time for the first HoH competition, which is confusing to me because I thought Power Couple replaced HoH. I now see what my mistake was: I didn't expect the unexpected. Stupid me. The houseguests come outside to see the backyard transformed into a tiny pond that's mostly covered up by a big dock and the seven tiny boats tied to it. Yes, that's seven boats; Jen and Parker are playing instead of hosting. The actual hosts? Eric and Jessica from last season, who are still a couple, apparently. Eric explains that this will basically be a version of The Newlywed Game. Jessica squeakily sends half of each couple (the women and Neil, and I really hope that Neil and Joshuah will be taking turns getting lumped in with the women) into the Smurfy "Tunnel of Love." The guys, including Joshuah, stay behind to answer the first question, which involves choosing between "full speed ahead" and "turn back now" as road signs to describe their partner's feelings about them. Or something. Everyone gets it right, and Adam actually gets a hug from Sheila when he's the only one to guess that his partner said "turn back now." Like that was hard.
The second question is about physical attributes that are turnoffs, like bad teeth, hairy legs, spare tire, or unibrow. The people in the tunnel come out modeling cartoonish versions of each turnoff. Everyone gets this one except Matt/Natalie and Chelsia/James, which puts them in the lead. The question involves fantasy fetish wear, with gymnast, cheerleader, nurse, and dominatrix costumes. Amanda and Alex get it right, as do Allison and Ryan, and Matt and Natalie, the last of whom now have a commanding lead. This time the guys (and Joshuah) head into he tunnel for a question about what parts of their bodies they would change. At the end of this round, Matt and Natalie are still in the lead. For the question, fetish-wear makes a reappearance with a "pool boy" sweep for everyone except for Chelsia, who picked "pizza boy." For the final and deciding question, the women (and Neil) have to answer what celebrity type they think they are. After another goofy costume parade, Amanda and Alex end up as the first HoH couple. So now maybe Amanda can get herself some pants. See you Sunday!
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