If you're reading this, you're probably already aware of this season's "twist:" single people will be paired off and expected to play as couples. This should be great, because one of the most interesting things about Big Brother is when both members of a couple are up for elimination so you know they're going to be separated soon no matter what. Good thing that source of potential drama has been properly dispensed with.
Julie Chen greets us from outside the remodeled "Winter Edition" house, talking about Valentine's Day and "'Til Death Do You Part" and already I want to vomit. And then the camera doesn't help by zooming around the place, which has been decorated to look like a ski lodge in Hell, as the narrator explains the premise. Which, again, if you're reading this, you already know about.
So let's meet these losers:
Alex, 24, a DJ company owner from Staten Island. That's a tough gig. Do you know how hard it is to manufacture DJs? Oh, he's got a bracelet for his father, who died on 9/11. Comedy killer.
Sheila, a former model from Reseda, California, and this season's token oldie at 45. That's even older than I am. She'll miss her son, who she says is her whole life. And yet she's leaving him for potentially months. We've seen that before, so let's move on.
Natalie, 28, a "bikini barista" from Salem, Oregon. Do you think that's an actual gig, or she just decided to show up one day at her Starbucks job half-naked? "I love bikinis, coffee, and God!" In that order, presumably.
Jacob, a 23-year-old electrician from Dallas, Georgia, looks like another God-botherer. Let's see how long the show can resist making an allegedly sexy pun on his occupation.
Chelsia, 21, a college student from Cedar Falls, Iowa. There's a cornfed Midwesterner somewhere under the fake tan, boobs, and name. You dig first.
Parker, 26, a paparazzo from Northridge, California who's working the Crab Man look. The innate lack of shame required for success in his day job may prove to be an advantage in this game.
Squeaky-voiced Amanda, 23, is a paralegal from Fridley, Minnesota. Yes, it's possible she may have gone to the same high school as I did, but since she was born the year I started there, I'm not responsible.
Jen (is there ever not a Jen?), 26, an aggressively tan/blonde go-go bartender of some sort from Columbus, Ohio.
James is 21, and is originally from Sarasota, Florida. I say "originally" because he is currently homeless and cycling around the world. Presumably he hit an unexpected obstacle in the form of the Pacific Ocean and is using some time in the Big Brother house to wait for low tide.
So now the nine guys take up position outside on the steps, and the first batch heads in. Jen and Ryan pretend they're meeting for the first time. The second batch enters, and Sharon and Jacob spot each other right away, and commence quietly freaking out. The soundtrack could take a cue from them on the "quiet" part, I'm thinking.
Back from the ads, everyone sits around doing introductions. As in his intro, James tries to get everyone to call him "Crazy James." He's crazy if he thinks I'm doing that, pink fauxhawk or no. Jen keeps pretending to forget Ryan's name. Don't overclose, lady. Allison reveals to the Diary Room that she's a recovering gambling addict, but that she's not about to tell anyone that. Good poker face. Jen claims to be from Bowling Green, probably so nobody asks if she knows Ryan from Columbus. Parker jokingly claims to be a porn cameraman, which is probably less embarrassing than his actual job.
The Voice of Julie rings out over the living room as she reveals the season's theme: based on personality tests they all took before the show, they've each got a "perfect match" in the room with them. Everyone is amazed, like it's hard to find a match for zero. There are a few DR clips of people talking about who may or may not be their "soulmate," which is not really relevant aside from how wrong I was about which other guy besides Neil was gay. Julie also breaks the news that they'll compete, win Head of Household, be nominated, and be evicted as couples. Sixteen jaws hit the floor as Julie goes on to say that the "'Til Death Do You Part" theme means that the couples will also sleep in the same bed. Both Ryan and Jacob fret about their special lady friends being paired with someone else. "This is going to ruin everything!" Jen agrees. You're on Big Brother, Jen. Things don't get much more ruined than that.
So Julie gets ready to start calling out the pairs, telling everyone to claim a bed with their partner as soon as they're paired off. Julie pairs Alex with Amanda. Skinny little cyclist guy James gets Chelsia, who DRs that Big Brother grievously misinterpreted her stated interest in bikers. Natalie gets Matt, and the first pixilated ass of the season as she hops onto their bed and her baby-doll dress flies up. If you're going to be in there for three months, why waste underwear on the first day? Jen turns out to be paired up with Parker, who of course has no idea that she's actually Ryan's girlfriend. Joshuah ends up with Neil. Sure, put the two gay guys together. So predictable. Jacob gets matched with his ex, Sharon. Awkward. There are two couples left, but no more beds, so the last four people are going to end up with sleeping bags instead. Ryan gets Allison, much to Sheila's disappointment. Which Adam doesn't help by calling her "Ma." Yikes.
Jacob can't figure out what Sharon's so upset about. I have a theory that involves YOU CHEATED ON HER.
1 2 3 4
Meanwhile, Sheila and Adam take an instant dislike to each other. She's over forty, he's hideous, they're both shallow, and they're going to be sharing a sleeping bag. It's a volatile situation.
Time for the first competition, and this is high-stakes time, because one couple will win sole power to evict another couple in a JUST A FEW HOURS! Because the writers' strike is just about over, after all, and CBS needs to get this mess out of the way for some actual TV ASAP. The houseguests head out to the back yard to find seven rose-petal-strewn beds lined up, with each couple's name on signs at the foot. For the competition, one partner will be suspended over the partner lying on the bed, and they'll hold onto each other while they're both lifted back into the air. The couple who stays up the longest gets to be the first "Power Couple." And a chill goes through my bones as I realize I'm going to have to type that phrase for the entire season. Sharon and Jacob are already bickering again -- this time about who's going to be on top. Everyone gets into position, lying on top of each other and wrapping themselves around each other. They get winched up, and dangling commences. Ryan sweats on Allison, who takes it like a champ. Sheila can't stand being close to Adam, and she quickly lets herself drop. Joshuah drops Neil . Amanda realizes that she's the heaviest girl there, and gives up shortly thereafter. Sharon gives up a few minutes later. That may have something to do with the fact that she and Jacob argue the whole time.
With four couples left, Julie adds to the degree of difficulty by daring them to try to pick up the pillows on the beds far below them, which, if the winner of the competition ends up with one at the end, is worth $10,000. Most of the remaining couples try for it, but not Matt and Natalie. With considerable stretching, Jen manages to snag hers. Allison does too, but she drops hers, and falls herself a few seconds later. It's been forty-three minutes and change. Chelsia nabs a pillow, but the effort has cost her too much and she can't hold on, even as James grits his teeth at her. When she hits the bed, James throws the pillow in her face. That leaves one couple with a pillow and one without. So Jen and Parker make a deal with Matt and Natalie not to evict them if they give up. That's Jen and Parker as the winners.
So now they're going to have to decide who's going to be leaving in the few hours. Ryan thinks he's safe, since his girlfriend is in the Power Couple and all. But Parker seems to have other ideas, seeing Ryan and Allison as a threat. So will Jen be able to protect her boyfriend without tipping her hand? Will she bother to try, or would it be easier just to let him go and drop the pretense? And can you wait until Wednesday to find out? Can you?!??
1 2 3 4