The Lite-Rock Piano of Impending Doom takes us into the mansion, where DeAnna reflects on letting go of Graham. It was the right thing to do, she tells us, because Graham was a "Brad," which might be a record for how soon into a show she mentions that guy. Anyway, things are now apparently up in the air for DeAnna as far as who's going to get her heart, after she let Graham go due to his Brad-ness.
No more time for reflection, because we're off to the Grand Bahama island, where Jeremy's the first to get the chance to dip his toe in DeAnna's waters. She says she could see herself marrying him, and it doesn't hurt that he's beautiful.
They ride one of those swamp boat things where Jeremy explains that they took the boat to this deserted island where there's no one but the two of them, and it's really romantic. Tell me: did the FRIGGING CAMERA CREW make it more or less romantic? The two of them go jet-skiing; neither drowns.
So Jeremy decides things have to be all serious and he has to tell DeAnna what he's thinking, which actually makes him more awkward than normal, and in a voiceover, DeAnna wonders if he's pulling back now. They stroll down the beach arm in arm and we fade into a moonlit night.
The two of them get dressed up in yacht-casual for dinner, and they talk about how much fun they had. There's more awkwardness as Jeremy asks how she's doing. She asks if he's nervous, and he tries to act more suave while denying he's nervous. More stilted conversation, until he admits that today was the most nervous day he's had since he met her: "Here I've met someone that I'm so afraid to lose, and I don't have her. I don't want to lose her," he tells her, adding, "I would tell you that I'm falling in love with you...but that's already happened." "I'm glad that you told me," she says, which is, I imagine, exactly the response he's been dreaming of hearing from her, and he says he's glad she's glad. And they kiss.
Then she pulls out Pimpmaster Chris's envelope in which he invites the two of them to share the fantasy suite, and in a talking-head Jeremy talks about being ready to get down on one knee and propose. Are they going to the fantasy suite? Does the Pope shit in the woods?
They head over to the hotel and snuggle and kiss on the bed, while the romantic camera crew gets plenty of coverage, at least until Jeremy closes the door. He neglects to hang a sock on the doorknob, unfortunately.
Hopefully after having showered, DeAnna tells us Jason is up, and today is going to be all about him. That's awfully big of her on the solo date. He comes running out to jump into her arms like a golden retriever might, and they hug, and he talks about how mentally he's been stuck in Seattle since their last kiss, and I have to admit he sounds awful genuine when he talks about how he's falling in love with her.
Today they're going to go off-roading, so Jason gets behind the wheel of a Jeep to bounce around the trail until they go to another really romantic secluded spot with a camera crew for a little picnic. In a talking head, Jason says he thinks they are a couple today. Because they have excruciating conversations about trying different types of cheese? Huh.
In a talking head with her hair now up in a little Hilary Duff poof, DeAnna says Jason really cut loose today and was a lot of fun (instead of being Captain Bringdown always moaning about his kid, it appears). up on the "extreme" date is kayaking. Given that neither of them have ever done this before, lifejackets would appear to be a good idea, but they can't seem to get their kayak going any faster than the It's A Small World ride. Again: no one drowns.
DeAnna's dressed for her dinner with Jason in the green dress and Hilary Duff thing that she has in many of the talking heads. Things are slightly less awkward with Jason, as DeAnna tells him she likes the different side of him that she saw today. She asks if Ty likes the beach, and Jason says he does, and then: "If you want to talk about Ty, we can, but I'd rather talk about us." DeAnna's all giddy because Jason says she and Ty are the two most important things in his life, and DeAnna manages not to ask whether she's number one or number two.
The nuzzle and kiss, and then DeAnna slips him Pimpmaster's card, and he doesn't even finish reading it before he's all "HELLS YEAH" and throwing the card away.
So they go up to the fantasy suite and Jason is floored by it, and I'm kind of floored that we're supposed to accept as romantic that DeAnna's taking Jason to the same room where Jeremy curled her toes last night (I'm only going by what the show is implying). Maybe it's not the same room. I don't know. Finding out would require rewinding, and that's a little more than I'm prepared to sacrifice for this show. Jason talks about how he's fallen for her, and she seems to glow in the talking head as she talks about everything falling into place with him.
From sloppy seconds to sloppy thirds: it's Jesse's turn! "I need Jesse to be like my boyfriend today!" she tells us, and we watch Jesse jog down the beach to hug her. "I've fallen for DeAnna so hard," says Jesse in a talking head, which is scary for him because he could still be sent home, and he doesn't want those other two "knuckleheads" around.
They're going horseback riding on the beach, which impresses Jesse as being very romantic: "Like, how rad is that?" he asks. Totally rad, Jesse. Totally rad. They ride on the sand and in the surf and come upon a picnic that we're supposed to think DeAnna set up. Jesse blathers about how DeAnna could be a girl with a big rock on her finger, and she blathers about how awesome it was that they were friends first before getting serious or whatever, and in a talking head she says every time she's with him, she cares about him more.
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They head off into the surf to kiss in the water. Tastes like Jeremy and Jason! There is some talk about clicking with each other.
Sun goes down, it's time for the dinner. "You look stunning," says Jesse, who should have spent a little more time ironing his shirt. He starts grilling her about how many kids she wants (three) and when she wants to have them (before she's thirty). He's on board with that, because he thinks he won't be able to play catch after he's thirty. Or something. And they talk about living in Breckinridge, which they annoyingly call "Breck." She tries to let him know she's not interested in that by putting it on him, saying she's worried that there's no room in his life for snowboarding and her. She asks what he's going to do when there's no more snowboarding, and his plans seem to be A) Become a sports agent; or B) Just "be happy."
Then he babbles on about falling for her, and a whole lot of other words that are technically in the dictionary but don't seem to have been given the courtesy of being placed in coherent sentences.
She gives him the Pimpvitation. He reads it, and exhales. "I don't know if I can until I meet your dad," he says. "Are you for real?" she says. This is the THIRD TIME we've seen this exchange already tonight. We saw it last week too. Then he starts laughing. Of course he will! He heard Jeremy and Jason talking about this chick DeAnna who will totally let any guy up into her fantasy suite, and there's no way he's not getting some of that action.
So they go up there, and there are candles around, and we fade out before we hear the bedsprings start squeaking.
It's an extra-special Grand Bahama island rose ceremony! DeAnna tells us she's falling in love with all three guys, including Jason, but she might have said that before she saw he didn't bother to shave for the ceremony.
We have to witness DeAnna pretending to have a hard time because she's going to have to "break someone's heart." She sighs deeply as she stands in front of them, and says she cares about all of them, and has to send someone home. She just wants them to know how hard this is for her, she says. Make sure you all know how hard it is for her to do the exact same thing that Brad was an asshole for doing! "My heart is breaking right now," she says. She's said that so many times it's lost all meaning.
Jesse gets the first rose. Jason gets the second rose. Jeremy seems somewhat surprised, but that's because he didn't see the awkward edit he got tonight.
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She walks him over to the Painful Breakup Bench where she says inane things like how perfect he is, and how stupid she is for sending him home, and how they have a bond that she doesn't have with the other guys (that would be the dead parents). He says he's really hurt, and has never had his heart broken like this. "Today could potentially be one of the worst days I've ever had," he says. I like that "potentially" in there. Like he's waiting to see if he steps in dogshit before the day is out.
She walks him to the car and they hug, and she cries. "Don't cry. I hate when you cry," he whispers. Me too, Jeremy. Me too.
"I didn't see that coming," he admits in the limousine. I think he'd be a little hurt to see how easily she shakes it off and goes back to Jason and Jesse. Meanwhile, he asks the limo driver to stop so he can get out and go for a heartbreaking stroll. I feel kind of bad about cracking on the guy. I think he's genuinely hurt. Here's hoping that upon watching a few episodes of this suckfest he understands that there are worse fates than not winding up with DeAnna. To wit: winding up with her.
To read about the second part of tonight's two-parter, click here. Then talk about this episode in our forums, or to see what other summer shows will be starting up soon, check out our Summer of Love and Hate!
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