Chris Harrison comes out to threaten us with something they wouldn't even do at Abu Ghraib -- sit and chat with the scorned bachelors. He introduces them all, while people who seriously need to get lives cheer for each one.
Chris asks Richard about what that first night was like, and Richard talks about how quickly jaws dropped when they saw DeAnna. Twilley talks about -- I don't even know what. Whatever Twilley generally talks about, that's what he talked about. And then there's Luke, the oyster farmer, who after being let go was all, "All right, I'll go home. No big deal." Heh.
We're subjected to a montage that was hard enough to get through the first time we saw Sean and his mullet kick a glass off that guys head, and then Ryan the smug virgin and Ron having the nerve to criticize Jeremy's tact, which leads into the Jeremy-as-asshole montage.
"Only guys would high-five each other after calling someone a d-bag," says Chris after Jeremy and Twilley slap-five and make up. Ryan starts to talk about how he wasn't there just to win DeAnna like Jeremy was, as opposed to the other guys. I guess, who were hoping to lose. P.S.: nice soul patch, Ron.
Chris invites Jeremy up on stage to the "hot seat" to ask him about the target on his back, and Jeremy says that he's not two-faced, in that he wasn't different for the guys than he was with DeAnna. All the guys pile on with how they thought the guys were pretty much there to hang out, is how I understand it. The lone exception is Brian, who says that as they talked to him, they understood that Jeremy is a genuine guy, but things didn't always have to be so confrontational. There are a few people who can take the blame for the confrontations with Jeremy; I don't think Jeremy is one of them, though.
Ron talks completely incoherently about how, when you're in a group, sometimes someone doesn't have a skill, and you have to learn the skill, and he laughably tries to take the high road by saying the guys weren't there to win a prize, like DeAnna's a "piece of meat." Except that because he doesn't seem to realize that DeAnna didn't have to spend all that time with Jeremy, it's hard to throw a sexist tag on Jeremy. I have no idea what he's talking about. And I'd like to point out that if the guys were all supposedly there just to hang out, and Jeremy broke that unwritten rule, then every time one of the bachelors told DeAnna how they were there for her and were there for the right reasons? All bullshit. Then Ron manages to straight-facedly tell Jeremy not to be afraid to get back out there, how they still want him to be part of the group. Ron seems to forget that there's no more group anymore.
After commercial, more Jeremy montage. The scowl on Ryan's face threatens to swallow his chin. Guy seriously needs to get laid, is what I'm saying. We rewatch the rose ceremony we saw just fifteen minutes ago, in which Jeremy got canned.
"You were unbelievably shocked there in the Bahamas. What happened?" says Chris, like PAY ATTENTION, HARRISON. Jeremy says he still doesn't know, and Chris talks about the "rug swept out from under him" [sic]. Would Jeremy do anything differently? Jeremy says he was always honest with DeAnna, so he doesn't think so. "I still get that kicked-in-the-gut feeling whenever I think about it," he says, adding he's got questions, but he doesn't know if he can ask them, and he doesn't even know if he can look at her. Because she's Medusa!
Now we have to reminisce about "Graham's unexpected exit." Graham, who's finally shaved, comes up on stage. After the montage, Graham admits they "had some issues," which is kind of like saying Sid and Nancy had issues. He adds that he felt that he and DeAnna -- both of them -- didn't do what they needed to do to cultivate a relationship. I agree with that; unfortunately, the first thing you did which wasn't helpful in cultivating a relationship was agreeing to be on The Bachelorette. He says he doesn't think DeAnna fully understood how hard it was for him to bring her home and meet his family. He admits to being scared to go so fast, and he hopes to apply the lessons learned elsewhere.
Harrison then says audience members have a lot of questions, and there just happens to be one -- Jenny -- standing at a microphone, and oh! Her question just happens to be for Graham! She asks Graham what the letter to DeAnna said. Graham groans. "I was really liking you," he jokes, and then says some vague things about the letter describing how he felt about DeAnna. Not cool! It's "The Men Tell All," not "The Men Hem and Haw"!
And now DeAnna comes out to talk to Harrison, and the bachelors hand over their balls by joining in the standing ovation. "Lot of respect in the house for you," says Chris, and DeAnna says she hopes the guys know how hard everything was for her. If only she would tell them EVERY FIVE MINUTES about how hard everything was for her. Is your heart "just breaking" right now, DeAnna? Isn't it always?
The men fidget while she talks about how she cares about them and -- oh, there she goes. "It still breaks my heart to watch the episodes," she says.
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Jeremy asks, "When did you know that I was not the one for you?" He wants to know, given that she gave him a pimpvitation. She says it wasn't until she went on the dates with Jason and Jesse and realized she was in love with them. "Ouch," says Jeremy, and DeAnna does her best to make Jeremy's pain indicative of what a hero she is for holding her head up while she stabs guys in the heart. Apparently, it was hard because it could have been too good. "I wanted there to be something there so badly," she says. "Me too," says Jeremy, gallantly not pointing out all the times DeAnna said there was something there. I don't know how anyone's head doesn't just explode from all the lying she's doing. Jeremy says no more, and Harrison lets the awkward silence hang for a few moments.
As for Graham? She doesn't accept his explanation that he opened up as much as he could have. She says she second-guessed her decision after she dumped him, but not now. This prompts some "oooooh"s from the audience, and Graham jokes about not being able to hear what she's saying now, because he's still reacting to that harsh comment she just said. He and DeAnna bicker at cross-purposes, because DeAnna doesn't know the difference between "deny" and "decline." "You guys are so perfect together, but you would kill each other," says Harrison. Really, Harrison? Man. I can hardly believe that someone involved with The Bachelorette would have such a warped view of what "perfect" love looks like.
Another life-needer, this one named Rebecca, asks DeAnna if anything romantic happened between her and the other guys while she was staying in the mansion. Rebecca's shiny face tells us that she's way too emotionally invested in this show. I feel ill right now.
DeAnna admits that someone did try to sneak in her room and give her a kiss. Who was the potential rapist? That would be Jeremy! But he wasn't alone. Paul did take a bubble bath in DeAnna's tub, while she wasn't there. "That was the only way I was getting in there," says Paul.
"No doubt you gave 100 percent in your search for love," Chris tells DeAnna, adding that she expected the same from the guys. This, of course, is leading in to more painful memories of DeAnna's temper tantrum at the barbecue.
"Tough to watch?" asks Chris. DeAnna says it is. Finally, I agree with something DeAnna says! Chris asks Sean, of all people, if her behavior was justified, and he says it was. She's already dumped you, Sean; quit sucking up.
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Ryan calls her on her hypocrisy for babbling on about how, on the one hand, she loved how laid-back Jesse was, yet some of the guys who weren't OCD -- "obsessive-compulsive-DeAnna like my man Jeremy" -- came in for some criticism, because they weren't all about DeAnna the way she was all about Brad when she was on The Bachelor. DeAnna backpedals faster than a Tour de France competitor after seeing a drug tester. "It has nothing to do with the way I was with Brad," says DeAnna. Yeah, Ryan. What could possibly have ever given you the idea that DeAnna's relationship with Brad had anything to do with anything?
Before a murder is committed, Harrison interrupts to show a "good times" montage, which means "bloopers," mainly of DeAnna unable to conquer the English language: "I did felt that," and the like. I don't see any reason why, at two hours per episode, the show can't fit these clips in -- god forbid the audience doesn't take the show as grimly serious as the show takes itself. Harrison wins a thousand points from me by asking DeAnna about Sean's mullet and using the phrase, "Business in front, party in back." Then he wins a MILLION points from me for asking if Sean fought at the Cobra Kai dojo. Put this stuff in the actual show, you idiots! Harrison, I take back everything mean I said about you!
So, DeAnna's not going to reveal who the final guy is, but Harrison asks her: "Are you happy? Are you in love?" Yes on both counts, says DeAnna. "And I am engaged." You'll have to tune in week to find out to whom. And then we don't have to tune in any more!
Remember how obvious it was that the woman who asked Graham about his letter to DeAnna was planted? As cute as it was, the show kinda admitted to that when Harrison gave the exact same intro, about how the audience members have lots of questions, and one woman asked Fred out for a date. He says yes. Well, why not? Try dating without a television crew in your face! It just might work!
To see the first part of tonight's two-parter, click here. Then talk about this episode in our forums, or to see what other summer shows will be starting up soon, check out our Summer of Love and Hate!
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