Previously on The Bachelorette: The hosts of hell rose up from fire-blackened fissures in the earth, and laid waste to all that was pure and holy and decent.
Tonight on The Bachelorette: Chris welcomes us to "DeAnna Tells All," a bullshit clip show that clearly aims to discover just how much garbage audiences will tolerate. "It's been an exciting journey for her and America," he says. How much crack does Chris Harrison smoke to deaden himself so he can say this with a straight face?
Sitting down with DeAnna herself -- yes, that DeAnna, America's Sweetheart -- Chris asks her what she's seen so far that surprised her. "Ryan is a virgin!" she says. Chris is actually visibly startled by finding out DeAnna didn't know that. We revisit Paul jumping into the pool, and Robert cooking for her on the first night.
Chris asks her if she's satisfied with how things are portrayed on the show. "Absolutely," she says, adding that it's all real. So no possibility there is interesting footage of a fascinating, non-shallow bachelorette being honest with the men trying to win her heart?
Chris brings up the amazingly scandalous moment in which Graham was pissed that he's not the only competitor. "You guys have a very interesting relationship going," says Chris. Is it possible that Chris has no idea what the word "interesting" means? They talk about Sean a little bit, and I fall asleep, and then I wake up to them talking about Jason revealing that he has a son, which somehow leads to a clip of DeAnna talking about her mother's death. Apparently Jason deserved Deanna's opening up because he opened up to her about his son.
Hey, did you guys know DeAnna had her own heart broken by Brad? Why hasn't she said anything about this? This leads into discussion of the guys who didn't work out, like Richard. DeAnna says he's a perfect guy who she would be lucky to have in her life, but then he brushed her hair back and badly wanted to kiss her, and she badly wanted to want to kiss him, but she didn't, and then she fake cried and gave him the boot.
And now we revisit the barbecue, which seemed like a good idea, says Chris: "And man, did it go horribly wrong." Which kind of sums up the entire show, don't you think? DeAnna's problem with the barbecue can be summed up in five words: It wasn't all about her. We're forced to watch her completely faked tirade again. Well, technically not "forced." We could turn this off. I can't even listen to her talk; she's such a phoney.
I mean, the two-on-one date, which we move onto , is a perfect example. Instead of one guy getting a rose, she sent both of them home. Did she tell both of them at the same time that they were going home? No. She sent Robert home and allowed Fred to think he was going to stay. "The hard part is that I knew Fred thought he was going to stay," she says. The stink from the shit coming out of Chris's mouth becomes particularly malodorous as this bullshit move by DeAnna gets spun as heroism, because she didn't lead Fred on by giving him a rose to stay for one more episode. I assume the Nobel committee has been notified of her actions.
And because all of DeAnna's thoughts and feelings can't even fill twenty minutes' worth, we're off now to Vail, Colorado, to visit with "America's favorite Bachelorette couple," Trista and Ryan. I suppose "America's favorite Bachelorette couple" does sound better than "America's only technically successful Bachelorette couple." Trista loves her life of firefighter-marriage and stay-at-home mommying. "But Trista had to earn her happy ending," Chris tells us. "Earn"? Oh. By this he means that she was on The Bachelor and had her heart broken. And then she was on The Bachelorette and met Ryan, and then they invented getting married, and invented having children.
Trista thinks Deanna is serious and invested and wants to find love. DeAnna says she's really looking forward to seeing where she and the bachelors go on their exotic dates, because that's what the producers asked her to say because that episode is coming up soon -- I mean, "that's when she fell in love with Ryan."
"Let's take a closer in-depth look at the men who are fighting to win her heart," says Chris. Yeah, that should kill about thirty seconds apiece.
Jesse is a professional snowboarder who alludes to all the tail he gets because of what he does. "I'm so much different from the other guys," he says. Does that mean anything interesting like "I have a third testicle"? No. It means -- well, he has some sneakers with neon on them. Basically.
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Here comes the Twilley-so-crazy montage. And then we get some dare-I-say interesting heretofore-unknown info about him: he started a real-estate software company, he's very interested in art, and his father played for the Miami Dolphins for 12 years. Then more Twilley-so-crazy.
Jason talks about how crazy he is. Hilariously, this is over clips of him playing golf. Are you serious? GOLF? Is anything less crazy than golf? He thinks he's the perfect man for DeAnna because -- oh, I can't remember. Let's say it's because he has a penis and she has a vagina (presumably). Remember when the earth stood still and Jason told her he has a son? Remember how nobody stopped talking about it at work for weeks? In case you didn't, we watch some clips of it. We're reminded that DeAnna is a wonderful humanitarian because her head didn't explode upon finding out that a man fathered a child.
Sean is a martial-arts master, so we watch him kicking things. He admits to being smaller when he was a child, so his parents enrolled him so he wouldn't get his ass kicked. He has a house full of clothes, and if his luggage doesn't have "LV" on it, FUCK THAT. "I like the finer things in life," he tells us. Does he need a five-bedroom house, all the product in his hair, his facial creams, his Hummer, his home-tanning and sauna setup? "No, but I'm awesome and rich," is the basic theme of his montage. Just after I was starting to think Sean was not a massive tool, too.
Graham says DeAnna is very hot, and they have a special bond. In that order. We watch them kissing a lot, and Graham talks about how it's hard for him to open up, and in case you missed it EARLIER IN THIS EPISODE, he has a hard time with the fact that DeAnna has played tonsil hockey with so many other contestants.
Jeremy loves extreme sports like skydiving and racing motorbikes. But nothing's so crazy like taking the bar exam. Watch out -- he'll be playing golf . He has a cute dog, named Kimo. I'll spell it that way, because I really hope his dog isn't named "Chemo." We revisit the episode in which DeAnna was coached to prod Jeremy about his parents until he revealed that his parents were killed when they were in an accident, which is just as horrifying the second time around.
So let's ask DeAnna who may have stolen her heart already! Because maybe ABC is willing to risk DeAnna revealing -- with six guys left -- the one she's going to pick, right? So you have feelings for all of them, says Chris. Well, if "cold, hard calculation" counts as a feeling, then yes. DeAnna lies about how hard it is to let people go, or whatever. Fortunately for her, DeAnna has "the sympathy of the country." That's if Chris Harrison is to be believed.
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(He is not.)
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