Chris greets the bachelors. He can scarcely believe that there's only nine of them left, which I think I heard once n a Friday the 13th movie. Anyway, Robert, Jason and Fred will be leaving the Outhouse and moving up the path to Middlesex. And there's going to be a one-on-one date, a group date, and a two-on-one date, in which two go on the date and only one comes back (unfortunately, both bachelors will technically still be alive after the date). The one-on-one date is going to be given as a prize for whoever does the best job writing and performing an original song for DeAnna. Yes, you read that right.
Jesse says his biggest weakness is putting pen to paper, and second is singing. So he wanted to punch Chris in the teeth. Hee! I don't know if he realizes that that feeling doesn't have anything to do with songwriting contests. I'm guessing his third biggest weakness is buying massive palm-sized watches. All the bachelors piss and moan about having to do this. Fred in particular spends more time asking the other guys about their songs than writing his own. Alone among the bachelors in enjoying himself is Brian. Someone calls Graham Bon Jovi. Twilley writes his song at a picnic table where, for some reason, there is a (hopefully) fake grenade just sitting there.
Chris calls them all back in to perform, and DeAnna comes in to judge. "How are y'all?" she says, pretending to be a southern belle. To put him out of his misery -- and to put us in ours -- Fred's up first. He asks for a soft clap, which doesn't do enough to drown out his terrible country song that plays fast and loose with rhythm and rhyme. Graham says he'd rather eat glass than perform a song. "Step out the side door like a bird into the sky," he sing/talks. That's the first line. A bird stepping out the side door. Robert affects a terrible country accent -- actually, if you had to put the guys' songs into something approximating a "style," it would be country pop, which may give you an idea of the depth of emotion and originality of thought expressed. Jeremy decides to rap. Jason rhymes Santorini and bikini. Jesse moans about how tough this was for him, and then gets down on one knee for his song/rap (the closed-captioning actually specifically points out that it's "off-key"). DeAnna seems to dig it. And then after all the setup, Brian's song is called The House of My Pain." Because it's midnight in the house of his pain. Sean in particular can't stop laughing his arse off, but Jason is impressed, as is Twilley. However, DeAnna picks Jesse because he "put himself out there" and also made physical contact.
Then we spend about five hours with the guys analyzing the contest, with Jesse agonizing over the date. "I'm so nervous for tonight, she's just too perfect to be true," he says in a talking head. As for the guys moving from the Outhouse to Middlesex, Brian jokes that they're losing their "cook, comic relief, and... uh...Jason." Hee!
So the guys -- who seem noticeably more relaxed without Ron around -- chat with Jesse about his date. Specifically, what he's going to wear. As if on cue, there's a knock on the door, with a suit, and a note saying the date is "formal attire." Wow -- that conversation about what Jesse's going to wear wasn't at all set up or anything, right? Because there's nothing guys enjoy more is sitting around asking other guys what they plan to wear on a date.
Jeremy gives Jesse a little lesson on doing up buttons on suit jackets. Jesse's freaked out about how good DeAnna's going to look, and she shows up in some blue thing. They make small talk in the limousine -- Jesse confesses that he's scared to death. They pull up at an old theatre where the marquee reads: "Jesse: One Night Only -- Just For You, Love Deanna." He wants to know if there's a another Jesse in the building. No, but there are eight other Jesses back at The Bachelor mansion. "This is out of control," he tells her, as she giggles and hugs him. She's excited because this night is all about him, and that makes her feel good. She is lying about this, which we will see. They enter the old theatre, where a formal dining table has been set up by the front of the stage. Out of control, he says again.
Back at the outhouse, we find out that Brian, Twilley, Sean, Jeremy, Graham and Jason are going on the group date. "Gentlemen, start your engines," is the clue. Again, the guys all shit themselves, even without knowing exactly what they're going to be doing. Although this is a pretty easy one to figure out. I'd just like the clues to be a little more cryptic, because I think the guys would still flip out. "Guys: it was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Yeah! WOO! Anyway, this also means that it's Robert versus Fred on the two-on-one.
Meanwhile, back on the solo date, DeAnna has apparently decided that making the date all about Jesse is getting old, so she makes him get up on stage and sing his crappy little song to her again. In a talking head, he talks about how he hasn't really told DeAnna why he's there, and he's got to, because there are eight other dudes after her. DeAnna needs to figure out what Jesse wants. Hopefully he wants some boring small talk, because that's what he's getting. He talks -- like EVERY OTHER GUY -- about how hard it is to open up, but that's what he's doing, because...oh, I don't even know anymore. DeAnna talks about being real, which is generally a sign that someone's being fake. Jesse says he's being more serious this evening, because every time he picks up the wine glass, there's a rose just sitting there. And he seriously wants to be here, and -- oh, I don't know. Let's say it was about growing and sharing, and bonding and opening up. And she gives him the rose, and they hug and kiss. "I don't feel pressured to try and have a relationship with him," says DeAnna. If you ask me, that doesn't exactly bode well.
Then the curtain comes up to reveal Natasha Bedingfield standing there, with a guitar player seated on a stool behind her. She starts belting out some song, and all I can say is thank god it wasn't that brain-destroyingly annoying "I love you I love you I love you" song. Jesse sits at the table looking like he's passing a kidney stone, so I'm guessing he's not the world's biggest Natasha Bedingfield fan. So he asks DeAnna to dance. "How many people get to experience her serenading you on a date?" asks DeAnna. Soon enough, state-fairgoers across the United States, is my guess. "When I'm with Jesse I feel like I'm the only woman in the world," says DeAnna. And you know what, DeAnna? Brad would still bail on you.
Anyway, DeAnna has a surprise for the guys on the group date. "They're going to be a little macho today," she says. I don't know how she plans to top the raging masculinity of the line dancing, but I guess we'll see.
"We're going to be driving stock cars," she tells the guys as they pull up at a motor speedway. So the guys get changed into their jumpsuits. Sean calls it a "childhood dream" to race on a track like this, since he and his buddies race muscle cars back home. "You put me on a racetrack, this is my element, baby," he says. DeAnna comes out with her jumpsuit open so the guys can fawn over her. She explains that the guys get three timed laps, and the guy who has the fastest speed wins some one-on-one time with her. I'm still not sure exactly what these group dates prove. One-on-one time is always the "prize" but any guy who wants one-on-one time just asks DeAnna for some.
Brian's up first, and has a hard time getting the car started. He eventually gets it up to 140 mph. Jason manages to get up to: 138.77. Graham doesn't even own a car, and hasn't driven in two years, and yet manages 136.91. "Long as I lived through it, it's cool," is his opinion. Survival is pretty good measuring stick, I'll admit. Jeremy goes 129.93, and I'm guessing the producers edited out the other guys' comments about panties being too tight. He's pissed that he didn't do better. "For DeAnna, I would go to hell and back," he whines. Yeah, and it would take you longer than anyone else to make the trip, Grandma. Twilley says he's not a fan of the sport. I don't think it's so much a "sport" as it is "hours of turning left." He decideds to "lay it out there" for DeAnna, and winds up going 140.59.
But Sean's strapping in now, all deadly serious. He handles the car like a pro. "I'm dropping the hammer, baby! I got this!" he yells, and pulls off 141.11 "I hate to be emotional and sentimental, but this right here means the world to me," he says in a talking-head. Heh. Leave it to Sean to get all misty-eyed over going to a racetrack.
So his one-on-one time is spent nattering about connecting and getting to know each other and seeing if there's a future. He talks about the similarities between the two of them. When she tells him she lived in Kentucky for six years, he starts going on about their bluegrass connection. In a talking head, he says he felt like he might have been one of the "laggers" for DeAnna's heart, but now he's got the "pole position." I think Sean wants to tame her little red love machine.
Then DeAnna gets in the car. "Guys always tend to be the good drivers, but these guys don't know that I can probably outdrive them," she says in a talking head. The guys talk about how sexy and fearless she is -- and it turns out she goes 141.62, or so we're told. Sean in particular has a big boner over how she left rubber at the starting line.
In a surprise move, Jeremy angles for some one-on-one time, and they head off to the motorhome to chat about how upset he is that he didn't win. And yet, despite not winning, here he is with one-on-one time! So maybe he should stop crying. Outside, Brian thinks Jeremy feels like he has to keep stepping it up, because he thinks DeAnna's starting to realize that there are other good guys there too. Twilley mentions the tortoise and the hare, and in a talking head, calls Jeremy a bleep. So I guess Ron's not actually the only who doesn't like Jeremy.
In a talking head, DeAnna admits to really caring about Jeremy, but says she's attracted to Graham -- who has shown up to steal DeAnna from Jeremy. Jason, watching Graham and DeAnna together, laments their body-language. Graham takes advantage of the time they have to talk by talking about how he's taking advantage of this time to talk with her. These conversations are the verbal equivalent of mirrors on mirrors. She's rubbing his hand between his thumb and index finger, and thinks he's going to kiss her. Instead, he starts thinking of all the jockeys that were there before him. "I don't wanna be one of a bunch," he says. "All right," says DeAnna, suddenly pissed, although she says she's not mad; she's hurt. "You're hurt," says Graham, telling her that maybe now she knows how he feels. She then takes his head off, because having gone through this on the other side, of course she knows how he feels. "I don't think that Graham was being very fair," whines DeAnna in a talking head. "Sometimes I don't feel like it's just me and you," he says. That would be because...it's not. I agree with Graham that this is a shitty way to do things. I agree so much that I wouldn't have done it. She feels he's the only one not putting himself out there, and that breaks her heart. For DeAnna, the ultimate compliment is if she thinks you're "putting yourself out there."
Robert and Fred get the datebox for their Bachelorette non-death match. "Who has the recipe for love?" reads the card. Robert has a ridiculous non-theory that it's going to come down to the kiss, because DeAnna's not going to kiss both of them tonight, so if she kisses one of them, she's going to keep that guy. He's got it backwards in the sense that he seems to think kissing her will lead to her wanting to keep him, when it's the other way around. But it's not going to matter too much longer for Robert.
Back at the speedway, it's about time to hand out the rose, and DeAnna gives her usual blather about guys "putting themselves out there." Anyway, Sean gets the rose, of course. "All along, she's said she's looking for a southern gentleman. And I think she's finally found one," says Sean in a talking head, who's come across as eminently more likeable and personable than he has up until now. But that might just be the haircut.
Back at the outhouse, the guys decide it's time to have a little party and invite DeAnna and the Middlesex guys down to the outhouse. "The idea was everyone come down here and hang out with DeAnna" in a relaxed setting, says Jeremy. Robert admits to being a little annoyed about being invited back down to the Outhouse after making it to the mansion, and that's not all that's going to annoy him.
Down at the actual barbecue Robert's a little taken aback that he's expected to cook, which I acknowledge is a little presumptuous, but he's missing the point that it's supposed to be a barbecue for everyone to get together and have a little fun; it would have been nice of the other guys to ask him to cook, of course, but he seems to be under the impression that he and the other guys sharing the mansion with DeAnna are guests of honor. And he really pitches a fit because his placecard -- at a kiddie table set up as a joke for him and Fred, tweaking their upcoming DeAnna duel-date -- reads "Bobbie." So he tosses the crappy little plastic chair into the bushes. He might as well have crapped in the pool.
DeAnna talks about the weird vibe at the party. Translation: the party isn't expressly meant to fawn over her. "We got cornhole out back," says Jesse. I don't have ANY idea what that mean. See, Graham's avoiding her. And then she's told that Robert's lying down, which really pisses her off, and she goes inside to find him sulking by the table. He talks about how he heard that she's got her top three already picked out, and he's practically crying, and she says she hasn't told anybody anything along those lines. So she drags him outside and lays into the other guys. I have two interpretations of her ridiculous hissyfit; one is that she's faking being so upset -- which doesn't reflect very well on her. The other is that she's actually really upset about the stupid barbecue -- which also doesn't reflect very well on her. "I should be the happiest person in the world, and y'all are breaking my heart!" she yells. She talks about knowing how hard it is to go through what they're going through. Robert tries to apologize, and she rudely cuts him off. "I'm not speaking JUST to you," she says, but admits to being pissed that he's sitting inside when he's got a date with her tonight, whatever that's supposed to mean. "I'm going to my house now. You guys can all stay here and hang out."
"Today was supposed to be a lot of fun. It just backfired on us," says Jeremy. That's because she wasn't the centre of attention, Jeremy. Of course, all the guys blame themselves. Or the two guys sulking, anyway. Fred's feeling like he's sitting pretty going into the date non-death match, though.
As the guys pack their suitcases, Robert says the stakes are a lot higher after what happened this afternoon. DeAnna in a talking head she's going to try to put it behind her (how big of you to try to put your own hissyfit behind you, DeAnna), and has arranged to have a nice dinner at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. Yeah. I'm sure DeAnna is the one make all the calls setting up the dates they go on.
DeAnna asks the guys about the most romantic thing they've done for a woman was. Fred launches into a story about Las Vegas and five bags of rose petals that spelled out "I love you" to his ex-fiancée, which was so long the lighting actually changes. I think the sun actually set while he was talking. Fred tells a simpler story about a surprise trip up to Lake Geneva. Robert and his shiny face gets some one-on-one time, and he moves in for a kiss, with his shirt halfway open down his hairless chest. He's trying so hard to be suave. So hard. DeAnna dodges, rather awkwardly, and allows him a peck on the cheek. How he thought he had any chance after that is beyond me. They talk a little bit about the barbecue, about how he ran away from the situation, and he says he didn't want to be selfish and pull her away from everybody right there, but planned to talk to her up at the mansion. In a talking-head, he talks about the connection they have. He's so deluded.
Fred's a lot more low-key as he sits down for a chat with DeAnna. He tells her that he's there for her, and whatnot. There's a bunch of guys fighting for her, and he's one of them, he says. Bless her heart, she says she's trying to be strong for all of them, as they battle to the death for her. He says in a talking-head that he's developing feelings for her, and he's confident he's coming home with a rose.
Back at the Outhouse, the other guys chow down on takeout and talk about who's coming home. Most of the guys seem to think Fred's a hell of a guy (no one pipes up to say the same about Robert) and Robert may have made things easier for DeAnna tonight. Jeremy offers the possibility that Fred being a hell of a guy doesn't mean anything if DeAnna has a connection with Robert. Jeremy thinking DeAnna has any kind of connection with Robert means he hasn't really watched the two of them at all. Someone says that after what Robert pulled, there's no way DeAnna could see herself spending the rest of her life with him.
DeAnna talks about a personal struggle in giving out the rose. At the table, she talks about what an "amazing evening" it's been, and I wish we could have seen the "amazing" part. She talks about going on a two-on-one date tonight, and she knows how hard it is, and she respects them both for putting themselves out there. Then she decapitates Robert by saying she cannot give him the rose. She walks him to the limo, and if she tells him why, we don't get to see it. However, in a talking-head, she says she didn't feel the connection that she's dying to have. In the limo ride, Robert says he's "destroyed." "It'll be a while before I let anybody in," he says. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he turns his head to make sure the camera picks it up.
Back at the dinner, DeAnna tells Fred that he's an amazing man with a big heart. She says "put yourself out there" again. Uh-oh. She says she doesn't see "forever" with him. "I got led on by Brad," she says, adding that he's "too good" for her to do the same thing to him. You mean like telling two guys that at least one of them will get a rose on the date tonight? She says she's sorry, and he tells her she doesn't have to be: "I just want you to be happy."
Back at the Outhouse, the guys all run to see Robert's luggage get picked up -- and then stand around gobsmacked when they see Fred's luggage also get picked up. "That's an option we never considered," says Brian. "Freddie was a good dude who was stuck in the friend zone," says Jesse, who I think is in the friend zone himself. Back in the Hollywood Hills, Fred shows a lot of class and wishes her luck and hugs her, and tells her she can't feel anything different than you're supposed to -- which is true, and which is why this show is such bullshit. Fortunately, Fred doesn't fake-cry in the limousine. "I'm gonna find that true happiness for myself," he says. Back at the mansion DeAnna fake-cries all dramatically for the cameras.
"Who's to say she can't do that at any point?" points out Jesse. Graham says DeAnna's probably really upset, and he thinks Jason -- now left alone with DeAnna in the mansion -- is in a unique position to console her. And Jason's on that like white on rice, and talks about the date with her. The cuddle outside near the fire and chat about the date, and then they make out.
Time for the cocktail party. Jason thinks he's got a huge advantage because DeAnna saw how good he was to come home to talk to about the awful date. Friend zone alert! Friend zone alert! DeAnna has an overly madeup talking-head in which she talks about how tensions will be running high at tonight's cocktail party, because she was really upset last time they saw her. "Upset" is one way of putting it. So is "acting like a psychopath."
The other guys are slightly nonplussed to see Jason walk her in to the mansion. Jeremy feels there's a little bit of a threat, so he snags her for some one-on-one time (try to contain your shock) so he can talk about how he understands why she was so upset, and the guys all played a part in not respecting her. She points out that he was one of the guys hanging out with her, and he agrees that he is indeed awesome.
Inside, the other guys are asking Jason about whether he had a chance to talk about the date, and he casually talks about how great it was. Twilley quizzes him on whether he sees a connection growing. You'll never believe this, but Jason does.
So now Brian snags her for some one-on-one to talk about how her honesty shines through even in tough situations. Yeah, but if you're honest about being self-centred, it's not really a good thing, right? The guys note Brian holding hands with her while they talk, and everyone starts to realize that the guys who are left have made at least some sort of connection with her.
Well, except maybe for Twilley, who is Jason's pick for a dude who's doomed to go tonight. He snags some one-on-one time, this time of the "I'm feeling kind of like I'm behind" variety, and DeAnna reassures him that he wouldn't still be there if she didn't want him there.
Graham, one-on-one, puts some kind of "when I hurt you it helped me realize how much you care" gloss on their stupid little argument. I have no idea what anybody talks about. These people talk like soap-opera characters who have run their lines through inaccurate Internet translation sites into Japanese and then back into English. Then they kiss. They go back into the mansion, and then DeAnna says it's a beautiful night, so they should all go put their swimsuits on and go enjoy themselves in the pool, which gives DeAnna the chance to be "off the hook" in her bikini, according to Jesse.
Chris Harrison comes out to bust up the party. It would have been awfully bad-ass if he came out in a Speedo. Alternatively, I would have also enjoyed forcing everyone to do the solemn rose ceremony sopping wet in their bathing suits. But I guess when you're talking about something as deadly serious as the freakin' rose ceremony, nothing but grim dignity will do.
Chris now tries to take credit for the rose ceremony pool party, since the guys needed that after an emotional week. DeAnna comes out and apologizes if she made the situation any more stressful for anybody. "If"?
And now: the roses! Sean and Jesse are already safe. Up : Jason. Then Jeremy. Then...Twilley? Really? Color me surprised. Final rose goes to Graham. Maybe DeAnna just didn't recognize Brian because he didn't have time to put gel in his hair after the pool party? He exchanges hugs with the guys, and in a talking-head goes on about hoping to start a family and all that. He laments being stuck down in the Outhouse with all the other guys. "I think it would have behooved DeAnna to get to know me better," he says. Well, you'd best be-hoovin' it out to the highway -- I'm sorry, I've got nothing.
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