| Season 12 | Episode 4
Chris greets the ladies with the news that there will be one group date, a special one-on-one date, and a two-on-one date. On that date, one woman will get a rose; the other will get the boot.
Marshana says the date is for Kelly, Chelsea, Shayne, Ashlee, Noelle, and Robin. "I'm looking for the perfect match." It's a tennis date, complete with high tea. "What's a high tea?" asks Shayne. You smoke up beforehand, Shayne.
The limo pulls into a private estate for the tennis match. Surprisingly, Matt thinks it's going to be "brilliant." The women are all in short shorts and tennis shirts, but Ashlee is just wearing -- what, a sports bra? Shayne is bundled up like it's the middle of December. Matt talks about how he can normally control his gawking, but he found Chelsea to be especially bonerific. Shayne and Chelsea put on a little gymnastics show, with Shayne particularly agile. Robyn snits that a gymnastics show is scream for attention. Her bitchface indicates she wishes she'd thought of it.
Matt sits down with some one-on-one with Ashlee, who sounds like her vocal chords have been severed from her brain. She giggles and sings a song. Matt says the word "brilliant" at some point, which must have been a mistake, because this is Ashlee we're talking about. Meanwhile, the other girls make snotty comments about Ashlee, saying how it's like they're hanging out with a baby. I mean, it's saying something when Shayne thinks you're an idiot. During a talking head, Ashlee "sings" a "song" and there was a major typo in her little identification thing, because it says she's a "singer/songwriter," when clearly anyone could eat some Alpha-Getti, barf it up, and come up with a better song than what she's warbling.
Now Matt takes them to the high tea (their reaction is "brilliant,") by a swan-filled pond. Robin shifts into babbling conversation-monopolizer mode. So we're going to get some talking-head bitching about Robin. Chelsea says Robin's the most competitive: "She doesn't care about the other girls." And she should because...why?
Matt and Robin go for a walk where Matt compliments her Britishness (Robin spent some time in London, remember). She says she thinks she might be falling for him pretty hard. "I didn't think I'd hear you say that," says Matt. In a talking-head, she says she feels like one of the luckiest girls in America. I'll put that on the list of Things These Women Say That Make Me Feel Really Sorry For Them.
Back at the tea, the other girls are imitating Robin and her British-isms. And after they return, Shayne bitches her out for monopolizing Matt. "I'm not here to play fair," says Robin, and Shayne says if that's the case, the other girls are going to gossip about her. Well, first of all, BIG DEAL, and second of all, it seems like that's what happens WITH ALL THE WOMEN ANYWAY, but whatever, Shayne. Still, Robin takes it hard, saying she's never really had any close girlfriends and wants to LEARN from these idiots (well, she doesn't call them "idiots") and stars to cry. "I feel completely alone," she says in a talking-head.
| Season 12 | Episode 4
Marshana, Holly and Amanda retrieve another box outside the mansion, to find out the one-on-one date is going to Amanda, while Holly and Marshana are going to duke it out. Marshana says she's not ready to go home yet.
Back at the tennis/tea, Matt's ready to give out the date rose, which goes to Chelsea, for kick-ass tennis, looking good, and charming him with her "beautiful nature." "Was what we had nothing?" complains Ashlee in a talking-head. I imagine her writing nasty things about Matt in her Note Tote during her spare period after History this afternoon. Chelsea is thrilled, seeming to not have actually expected it.
So Amanda's nervous, getting the hiccups while Holly does her hair. "I wanna be hot," she says, as the other women watch her get ready. She says she wants to be the hot bad girl. I support that!
Since the group date was very British, the one-on-one is the exact opposite. Brazilian? No, American in the '50s. They're going to a Jackrabbit Slim's-type of diner. "Did you pick this out?" she asks him, and he doesn't confess that it was the producers who did, and says he's always wanted to do this. "When you're not American, this is like gold," he says in a talking-head.
At the diner, the coveted rose is right on the table. He asks if she thinks he's conservative, and she says she thinks he's like her: "A tough girl." Matt, you're a tough girl. They try some dancing, and Matt's not very good.
Back at the mansion, there's a large stock pot on the front door. Shayne reads the card, something one a rose, and one stays and one goes. Marshana bitches about the situation, and says every one of the women would prefer one or the other of her or Holly to go. "Every man for himself, we want both of you guys to go,"
Says Robin. In a talking-head, Marshana starts crying, she's so stressed. It's a cooking date, and Robin actually throws a whisk to the floor, she's so freaked out. Not the whisk! How will you stir your eggs for fluffy omelets? They should make Matt's decision really easy by showing him this footage of Marshana losing her shit.
Back at the diner, Matt gives Amanda a rose, and they kiss, and head to an amusement park that I hope is the one from The Lost Boys and Matt will be killed by a vampire, because then he will literally suck instead of just the metaphorically. They canoodle in a Ferris wheel while Amanda talks about what a great date it was, and given that Amanda is one of the few women on this show I actually still like (Noelle's the other), I'm very happy for her.
| Season 12 | Episode 4
Holly gets her hair ready for the date. She talks about what a disappointment it would be to go home, because, you're never going to believe this, she thinks she and Matt have something special that none of the other dozens of women haven't had. Marshana is similarly nervous, but at least isn't throwing kitchen utensils around.
Matt says both of these girls are exactly what he's looking for. So it makes TOTAL SENSE that he's going to eliminate one tonight. Sitting down for dinner, Matt asks them about how they'd handle moving to the UK. Marshana says there's nothing holding her in New York. Holly says before she even met Matt, she wanted to go to London (which doesn't sound like she cares about Matt so much, if you ask me). She also babbles something about how she could survive on an island in the middle of nowhere, as long as she was with Matt.
So Matt sits down with Marshana in front of a fire, and talks about what a good sport she is. I think this speech is titled "I Think I've Kept Her Long Enough So I Won't Be Called A Racist When I Kick Her Off Later." And then they kiss. In a talking head, Marshana says he makes her feel completely comfortable with who she is.
Later, Holly and Matt snuggle on a bed while he tells her there's a boring side to him, which is his lucrative financier side, I guess. Matt says he likes challenging questions. She can't think of any. I think she can't walk and chew gum at the same time. She says she really does like him and care about him, and they kiss too.
Back at the mansion, Shayne says it's obvious Holly should be walking through the door, because they went on a one-on-one date and says it was amazing. Given how deluded most of these women are, that's no big deal.
So it's time to give out the rose. Matt babbles stuff about how amazing they are. Marshana's done a lot to impress him, and Holly always puts a smile on her face. He says it's difficult, but he's offering this rose to Marshana. He says he wants to get to know her better. Well, I'm as surprised as...well, Holly, for sure, who starts to cry. He sees her to the door, and says he didn't really feel a connection, and found conversation difficult with her. Whoa! She talks about wanting to get to know him better, and wishes him the best. He walks her to the limo, which solemnly pulls out. "I made that decision for the right reasons," says Matt, which is that Holly didn't have what he required. Which is the exact OPPOSITE of what he said BEFORE the date. Holly cries in the car and says she feels stupid for pouring her heart out.
| Season 12 | Episode 4
Back at the mansion, the other women gasp when they find out Marshana's staying. Shayne actually starts to cry. All the women seem to be as stunned as if they'd just found out Matt was arrested for child porn.
Later on, Chelsea talks about how there's a different mood here tonight. Amanda gets the meeps thing. In an interview, Noelle says she's really nervous. Marshana is now wrapped in a sari and has a diamond bindi for some reason. Matt comes in and they all cheer, so at least they're still lauding everything he does. He talks about how difficult yesterday was.
Sitting down with Ashlee, he asks if there's something more, because they can't always rely on looks and music. I think she's already oh-fer-two if that's the case anyway. He asks what she'd do if she came to the UK and music didn't happen for her. Well, that's unlikely. Ashlee babbles incoherently about how they'd make something work. Send her home, damn. "Music can be created anywhere in the whole world, but love is really really rare," she says in a talking-head.
Noelle's turn. In a talking-head she says she's really nervous because she hasn't really had a whole lot of one-on-one time. "I just want to find out a little more," he says, adding he feels they could have something special. "I just want you go for it now," he adds, acknowledging that she's stepping out of her comfort zone. She seems too sweet for this show, and unable to make any overt plays for Matt.
Kelly has on this short red and black robe like she's ready for bed. Matt says she seems more interested than hanging around with the other women than him. In a talking-head, she says she's bummed. With Matt, she pulls open her robe to show off her jugs in her sparkly bra. "I have very large breasts," she says. I had to rewind that to make sure that it actually happened. How my rewind button is now worn out, I have no idea. In a talking-head, he says he was shocked, but with her, he manages just to say he feels like the "stuffy Brit" with her. She's clearly hammered. And she's just written her own ticket home.
More inane time with Shayne where she demonstrates just how above the other women she thinks she is, and then they start making out.
Matt blathers on about what a tough decision he has ahead of him, and Chris Harrison comes in to spoil the party and get the rose ceremony on the road. Matt says the evening has been brilliant. "This is not fun and games anymore," says Marshana. "I just want him to want me," says Ashlee, who is much better served by ripping off Cheap Trick than singing her own songs. Kelly says they all want him to want them. Sounds like everyone's coming around to what Robin figured out ages ago.
| Season 12 | Episode 4
Rose ceremony! Chris says there's a "very serious tone" here tonight. Marshana, Amanda and Chelsea are safe, and two more women will be going home.
Matt comes in and blah-blahs about how he appreciates them all sticking with this. Not that they're all going to stay or anything.
Shayne gets a rose. Robin gives Matt the look of death. But Robin gets the rose. Does she take it?...Yes. Final rose tonight: it goes to Noelle! Yay! Which means Kelly's going home, duh, and Ashlee's going home! Double yay! "Say your goodbyes," says Chris. Ashlee starts to bawl. Kelly keeps her shit together, and manages not to flash anyone on her way out the house. She offers the ever popular "he couldn't handle me" theory and says it's interesting that Matt chose to keep some of the more "fake" people in the house. In a talking head, Ashlee says, "I can't believe that I'm the one he's sending home." She whines about how she wants someone who'll see her as more than just a songwriter. Hee! Oh, god, and now SHE SINGS THAT "I FEAR I'LL FALL" SONG AGAIN and America raises its collective glass and says, "Good call, Matt."
And in a hilarious bit over the closing credits, Amanda pretends to be confessing something major to Matt: that their date was great until he got up to swing dance and he couldn't at all. She gets emotional and pretends to give him back his rose, saying she can't date someone who can't swing dance. Chelsea cracks up laughing. Matt plays along, getting upset as he tells them they should just leave, and Amanda pretends to get pissed that he'd just let them walk out like that.
Amanda? Here's my advice, courtesy of Herman Blume: You take aim at the rest of the bitches. Get them in the crosshairs. And take them down.