Hall of Fame

S12E14

Joe was so upset that Aubrey got eliminated, he couldn't bear to sit through this Arsenio/Clay finale. Frankly, I'm not at all excited about the prospect either, and I couldn't care less who wins, so let's get this over with... shall we?

In the grand Probst-ian tradition of ridiculous finale entrances, Trump pretends to be on the phone with the mayor and in dire need of a fast ride (gee, there couldn't be a certain Andretti available, right) to get to the finale on time. The acting here is insanely awful, not only by Trump, but by all of the fake employees standing around. Even the elevator dude. Outside, there's a sleek little race car with Mario Andretti (what a major step up from Michael) behind the wheel, and the two (or at least a stunt man on a green screen) drive through the streets of Manhattan. Trump's hair doesn't move.

He walks up the steps to the Natural History Museum for the finale where some very excited people are delighted to shake his hand, and Alison Sweeney is in the audience clapping like a loon. There's some bad camera action that just shows a poorly framed image of Ivanka for a while before Trump reminds us of Clay and Arsenio's journey to this point. None of it is worth mentioning again, except for that time someone made it rain on Clay. That was the best time.

For the final show, they are in the middle of selling tickets to an event to make cash. They also had to make an ad. It's the comedians vs. the musicians in an ultimate showdown. If only this were done UFC-style.

Team Arsenio
The live audience is laughing hysterically at the fact that Magic Johnson is turned looking in the wrong direction and not being properly filmed, potentially screwing Adam and Arsenio. Apparently there's another take, where we can see both of Magic's eyes. Truly magical... in the most dull way possible.

Team Clay
Debbie is on the phone with her damned cousin, trying to get the mural wall. She's still hella pissed that Clay needs sketches. Clay says the room décor falls down to him, and he just wants to see it. Debbie is griping to her cousin in a passive aggressive way, saying she needs time to center herself in order to properly sing. Oh, is that the key? Because it seemed like all season she was just singing at the drop of a hat. We didn't realize there was a process.

Back in the live studio, Trump is hyping his family -- well, Ivanka and Eric, who are there. Don is "away." For some reason. What this has to do with the price of tea in China... I have no idea. Back to the pre-taped drama.

Team Clay
They are in the van the morning going to get ready for the event. Debbie's still angry, but she's sent emails of her portfolio, and Clay's totally cool with it. How hard was that? Really.

Team Arsenio
Arsenio explains how all the separate parties are going to happen with one collective performance space. Adam (who is apparently actually running this team) points out that they should find a way to incorporate Teresa and Paul Sr. so they aren't just twiddling their thumbs while all the stand-up funny business is happening. Turns out that Adam's going to write some lines for them to memorize. Adam talks about how he wants to do some jokes with Arsenio, and how he wants to roast him. And when he stops to take a breath for half a second, Arsenio (who is practically shaking with some combination of nerves and anger) says that they've been through this before, and all he wants is a little bit of what he wants. He asks to meet him halfway but Adam ignores him. Arsenio wants to keep it positive because Clay's going to have a nice message, and he doesn't want the awkwardness of a roast or anything that puts the spotlight on Arsenio and takes away from the purpose. Adam is confused why Arsenio chose him if he didn't want his ideas.

Team Clay
When they get there, things are already underway and the muralist (A.K.A. Debbie's cuz) is there and ready to get painting. Clay tries to greet a worker, but Aubrey comes over and hugs the dude and pushes Clay out of the way. The she-beast claims that Clay told her to do everything, and now he keeps complaining that it is his show and she's excluding him. Then there's another example of her telling someone how to properly paint the wall, even though he wants to be assured they can finish it. Audrey takes credit for him being in the finale. If that's because she interviewed poorly, then yes, she can take credit. He just wants to win money for the charity that he personally set up.

Team Arsenio
There's a lot of white drapery and blue uplighting... and booze. Lots and lots of booze. Paul Sr. and Adam are happy. Teresa loves to throw parties with other people's money (she's been doing it for years), so she's happy to have been put in charge of decorating the room with tacky sparkly chandeliers.

Team Clay
It's one hour until the event. Clay is looking like he's having an aneurysm while staring at the very incomplete mural. So Clay dons a trash bag and starts painting and makes Penn (and Teller) paint as well. He's so nervous, he's sweating through his trashbag.

By Angel Cohn

Back at the Natural History Museum Trump has not been eaten by a dinosaur. Instead, he's introducing the losers who have been reunited for this occasion. It's Victoria Gotti, George Takei, Tia Carrere, Patricia Velasquez, Lou Ferrigno and Dayana Mendoza. (No Cheryl Tiegs or Michael Andretti?) Then we see that Ivanka and Eric are tweeting. Is there anything less exciting than watching people tweet?

After commercial, there's a clip package of Lou, who reminds us that he gave a hundred and ten percent. He had some surgery that helped his hearing, then he shows a check for some money he raised and he gives it to Trump? I'm confused. Is this some sort of tithing to Trump? Dayana is still bitter that Lisa is smarter than her. Victoria says that her tough family helped her not at all here on the show. She wished that she could have played on the guys' team. She also hates Aubrey and Lisa. Patricia is still upset that she didn't raise enough money for her charity and the other team got the money. Trump just tells her to keep up the good work. Nice. Tia didn't like the cliques, but she thinks that the women did themselves in and that's why there are guys in the finale. When Trump gets to George, he honestly just says "Star Trek." But then he talks about him being a gentleman. He said that his polite exit led to people donating money to his charity.

Team Arsenio
Outside there are two lines, one for Arsenio and one for Clay. But the line for Clay is enormous while there are only a handful of people there for Arsenio. All the Claymates came out in force. Meanwhile, Lisa's trying to collect the high rollers who donated ten grand plus, and ... there are none. Arsenio says that all his people are on "colored people time," even his white friends, and haven't shown up yet.

Team Clay
There are only 75 tickets available, so people start offering up dollars. Chris March (from Project Runway) is there... but not ushered right in, as one woman has collected some Claymate donations and has 20 grand to give. Dee is excited about this. Someone brings in ten grand from Kelly Clarkson, and there's another from David Foster. Orel Hershiser has a 20 grand check.

Team Clay
Drag Lisa Lampanelli helps Clay officially open his even. People say "Let's All Play" about 100 times. My DVR conveniently freaks out and does this freeze frame thing of Clay hula hooping and spinning plates. It's like my own personal .GIF of him doing this in slow motion. Who knew technology could understand my odd tastes so well? Trump shows up at the carnival and marvels at Debbie's hula hooping abilities. His eyes are immediately drawn to that. Are these spinning plates somehow faked or really easy? Everyone is able to do them. It always looked way harder on variety shows. Aubrey (who planned the entire event single-handedly while having her ginormous hair styled) wants to personally make sure that Donald has a good time. Oh yeah, I'm sure she does. Clay's not happy that Aubrey takes over and pushes her way in.

Team Arsenio
Trump comes in, and Arsenio's first reaction is "I'll get Whoopi." When I think about what would make Donald Trump happy, Whoopi Goldberg isn't on the top of my list. But Arsenio's freaking out because it's show time, and they have to take down the curtain between the two parties. Arsenio is on stage doing stand-up and he hasn't done it in a decade, so he's nervous.

Now Adam Carolla, Debbie Gibson, Dee Snider, Paul Teutul Sr, Penn Jillette, Teresa Giudice, Lisa Lampanelli and Aubrey O'Day are brought into the theater. No one throws anything at Aubrey, so she should consider this a win. She looks like she may yet kill herself in this too-long animal print dress, though. She apologizes for the fact that she forgot that two wrongs don't make a right. Trump takes credit for Lisa's career resurgence. Clip show of Lisa's loud comments from the season. Lots of profanity. Obviously, she's the best. Why didn't she win? She laughs it off and says he should never invite a 50-year-old menopausal woman on the show. "At this point I need more hormone therapy than Chaz Bono." Cue Dayana's impression of Lisa crying. Then Trump makes Dayana awkwardly stand up. Lisa says it was a pretty great impression, and she can dish it out and take it, as she is the queen of roasts.

Adam is staring into space when Trump calls on him. After a pause he talks about how being funny helped him not at all on this show. He does acknowledge that there are two games here, the actual "Celebrity Apprentice" task of winning some made up "job" with Trump, and the popularity game of appealing to viewers. He hopes that he did better in the latter. True. Though in that case George is probably the real winner of the season. Followed closely by Lisa. Teresa is asked to respond to Adam's comment about being naïve (Adam says she thinks it is a brand of douche) by saying she's just trusting. Dee shows his funky broken finger and plugs his book and CD. Paul says that he's gruff on American Chopper, but he is the nice dude he was on this show here. Trump wants to know why Clay chose Penn, and he thinks it is because he wanted to win. Penn thinks they just had clashing personalities, but they respected each other. He even says he thinks that Clay should win. He skips talking to Debbie and goes straight to commercial.

Back at the now-combo party, Clay and Arsenio are on stage talking about their charities and introducing their commercials. Clay's for the Natural Inclusion Project has the benefit of having cute little kids playing. Arsenio's ad gets a lot of laughs, and people love when he passes the ball to Magic Johnson. Arsenio says he would be happy if Clay won because he started a great charity, but he still wants to win for Magic.

Time for the stand up. Adam walks up and roasts Donald. Paul gives the pre-written speech but goes off book and calls Adam a dick. Adam momentarily looks flustered, and Paul's pretty proud that he was able to fluster him. Teresa's speech is unseen, which must mean it is just awful. Lisa has some off-color jokes about Clay and Trump, which are actually kind of racy for this show. Arsenio does a NASA joke that falls flat. But the crowd seems to have enough booze not to mind.

Now it's the musicians turn to perform. Clay says he's tired of being the runner up. Debbie Gibson and Dee Snider sing "Baby Love." Debbie is barely wearing a dress and gyrating around Dee. It's awful. Aubrey is doing "I Will Survive," and aims the "you did me wrong" line at Trump. Penn dances with her... and its like she's dancing with a yeti. Then he and Teller do their most requested bit. Dee and Debbie have a battle for popularity that starts out with her doing "Shake Your Love" and ends with them both singing "We're Not Gonna Take It." Then Clay gets teary about his charity, and starts singing "(I've Had) the Time of My Life" with the rest of his musical team. At the end Arsenio and Clay hug it out.

Thankfully there is a commercial for Magic Mike to help ease my suffering here.

Boardroom time. The finalists and their handy helpers gather around the table. Lisa says that Arsenio was a great project manager. She defends her decision to donate money to Clay's charity because he made her time on the show pleasant and helped her win money for her own charity. Arsenio says it's unorthodox, but that on a human level it's nice. Agreed. Adam is shocked to find out it was a ten thousand dollar "Claytribution." He thought it was about 70 bucks. Adam talks about how he was flattered to be on Team Arsenio, and that this show allows you the opportunity to really get to know people because of the amount of time you spend with people.

Trump asks Teresa what Arsenio's weaknesses were, and she gives her stock answer that he doesn't have any. Aubrey on the other hand doesn't care to know him as a man. Does that mean she doesn't want to sleep with him? Or that she thinks he's an ineffective project manager? Arsenio has everyone going for a second, deadpanning that she gave him a donation privately. Trump laughs it off, but Aubrey looks pissed.

Trump then talks about how Magic Johnson was happy with the exposure for his charity, and Ivanka was impressed that Arsenio made the ball throwing commercial work.

Onto Team Clay, where Trump lies that he loves Dee's song. Though Trump does seem to like the royalties. Ivanka wants to know why they picked certain songs, and Clay says he wanted songs that everyone could recognize and sing along to. Oh, Clay. I'm sure all the Claymates know all the words to your stalker anthem "Invisible." Again, Trump doesn't let Debbie talk. Does he hate her?

Now it is time to find out how much cash was raised (which isn't the only winning criteria, just part of it.) Arsenio's team raised $167,100 for the Magic Johnson foundation. He thanks his team. Donald reminds him that all this money goes to his charity, regardless of the outcome. Clay raised a total of $301,500. WOW. Never underestimate those Claymates, I guess.

Donald thanks all of the previously fired helpers, dismisses them and then frowns in a stern way. This leads to that same constipated face at the live show. Trump welcomes Arsenio and Clay to the stage. Trump wants to know if he's as tough as Simon Cowell. Clay says that Trump's knowledge for business is unparalleled. Trump's question is asking Arsenio why he cried so much. And he tears up talking about his cousin who died of AIDS right before this show started.

Trump starts asking the former celebrities who should win. Dee chooses Clay. Lisa wants Clay to win, but for Arsenio to get a show. Debbie gets to talk (shocking) and she says he's on Team Clay because he was calm even when she was being annoying. Dayana picks Arsenio because she didn't like working with Clay. Teresa tries to play both sides, but picks Arsenio because she worked on his team.

Instead of jumping into a boardroom battle, we're "treated" to a performance by Clay Aiken and Arsenio Hall. What? Is Arsenio going to sing? Clay does "Lean on Me." It's fine, but I spend most of the time trying to figure out if Clay's hair is possibly worse than Trump's. Arsenio actually does sing come the second verse. I'd much prefer the two of them fighting instead of being all nice and crap.

We see a montage of Celebrity Apprentice winners past: Piers Morgan, Joan Rivers, Bret Michaels and John Rich. Who will join this esteemed group? And more importantly, who can I petition to get Bret Michaels to do another Rock of Love? I miss him so. It's Clay's turn to explain why he should join the ranks of Celebrity Apprentice. He thinks he came in as someone who was underestimated, and he surpassed all expectations. And he doesn't want to lose in front of his mother again. The fact that he lost as a project manager on one task doesn't matter as much, since he pulled it altogether for the final challenge (and won almost twice as much money as Arsenio). Trump loves the fact that Arsenio thinks that the Trump seal of approval would stay with him his whole life. Arsenio says that's not just lip service, that he credits people who help him along the way, and says that his future success would shine a light on Trump. That's not explaining what he did here to win, that's just blowing smoke up Trump's ass.

By Angel Cohn

Clay insists that choosing Penn was a great decision because while they are opposites, they create a great project and it shows he can work with anyone. Lisa is called upon to ask Arsenio a question. "Arsenio, do you find me attractive?" Arsenio says that she's beautiful, and a great mind is very sexy. Dayana gets to ask a question: "Arsenio, do you find Lisa attractive?" It may get a laugh, but this is fuckin' pointless. Arsenio has absolutely had to do nothing to prove his worth as an actual apprentice. Clay's trying to take this seriously, but it's clear that Trump heavily favors Arsenio. Where are the cutting comments about how the other underperformed and didn't raise money, or pissed people off? What a letdown.

Final thoughts from Ivanka. She says that Clay was strategically refined and assertive when he needed to be. She says Arsenio had more enemies, and was more passive in his leadership style. Eric says that Clay raised a ton of money for his charity, but Arsenio was undefeated as project manager. Trump lies that he's never been so torn. He's probably this torn deciding which jet to take on a Tuesday. But the winner is Arsenio Hall. Clay takes it well and gives his competitor a hug. Lots of confetti... and we're done.

If this title weren't utterly meaningless, I'd be more upset, as I think Clay really pulled it out in the final challenge with the donors and the fun carnival party and dealing with crazy Debbie Gibson. I feel like Arsenio kind of got off easy, as putting Magic Johnson in his video was really his only big thing. His team all got along, but he had big names but didn't push for bigger donations. Clay got more money from Orel Hershiser (and he showed up) than Arsenio got from the likes of Chris Rock. And Arsenio's party looked like every other boring even on the planet, and his standup wasn't that funny. Perhaps if Clay had just sucked up to Trump more, he might have won.