That's an Expensive Meatball

S13E01

As Western civilization nears its implosion, we are faced with yet another test. What does it mean to be a Celebrity Apprentice All-Star? My assumption is that these celebrities or quasi-celebrities stood out on their respective seasons of Celebrity Apprentice, a paradox in itself, so much that we have to see them again. Two hours (or more) a week, we need to see these celebrities try to master basic, real-world functions like cooperation, to remind ourselves that celebrities are just like us --awful.

The worst and most shameless of celebrities is their great leader, Donald Trump. He offers a hefty sum of money available to charities, regardless of how real they are, and a second (now third) shot at fame for these fourteen returning celebrities. All-Stars seasons are quickly losing meaning in our reality TV lexicon, but this show offers what few others do. This time, they are truly all stars. Stars who have never had to lift a finger or be questioned since their last time playing Celebrity Apprentice.

Oh, and record scratch, Bret Michaels is allowed to play again? He won his season, so he can get back on the Rock of Love Bus he rode in on. Other returning players include Dennis Rodman, Lisa Rinna, Claudia Jordan, Penn Jillette, Trace Adkins, Brande Roderick, Lil Jon, Omarosa, Stephen Baldwin, Dee Snider, Marilu Henner, and La Toya Jackson. Let's face it, though, this season is going to be all about Gary Busey and how impossible he is because a part of his brain has rotted away. And Omarosa? Do celebrities who are only famous from being on the original Apprentice count as celebrities? Is she taking the Real Housewife spot? How many times does Omarosa have to lose this show?

Let's get to the sandwich-making challenge already. We know it's coming. Let's just make dumb and terrible sandwiches, raise an obscene amount of money, and watch 45 minutes of Donald Trump talking about what makes this show great in the board room.

But first, everyone talks about their unfinished business. Everyone has something to prove, except winner Bret Michaels. They meet in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, having emerged from various crags and columns in the building. Donald Trump shows off his signature style of asking a question, then interrupting the person responding. That's how you get ahead and make those millions.

Trump tells Bret Michaels that it was a stupid move to return to Celebrity Apprentice, but Bret has a whole line of pet products at PetSmart to push. If these poorly-made dog toys don't tell us that pets rock, who will? Also, diabetes. I will be talking about the Bret Michaels Pets Rock line for PetSmart for as long as he lasts on this show.

Donald Trump usually likes to do a battle of the sexes to amuse himself, but this time, he wants to make some celebrities feel less popular so he pulls Bret Michaels and Trace Adkins up to select teams schoolyard/kickball style. Playmate of the year, Brande Roderick knows this is bad news. Trace picks Penn Jillette, a wise decision. Bret confusingly picks Omarosa, to harness her "evil energy" against the other team. Donald Trump, having already commented on Lisa Rinna's lips, notes that Omarosa's body shape has changed a lot and he's proud of her. Hate is a strong word, but it's the only way I can think to feel about Donald Trump.

Trace picks Dee Snider, Bret picks Lil Jon, Marilu Henner goes to Trace's team, Brande goes to Bret's bus for hots and fundraising. Trace chooses Stephen Baldwin, Bret chooses La Toya. What is Bret doing? Trace takes Lisa Rinna, Bret chooses Claudia Jordan. Only Dennis Rodman and Gary Busey remain, and Trace takes wild card Gary Busey. Dennis Rodman claims that being picked last doesn't bother him. He's just happy to be on a team with Claudia Jordan. I think I love Dennis Rodman.

The first task is to choose team names, and Bret's team notices that they are largely a team of color. They have lots of terrible ideas like "Team Salt 'n Pepa," and "Team Oreo." You know, because there are black people and some white people, and whatever box La Toya checks on her census. Omarosa does some freestyle rapping in front of Lil Jon, rhymes "Trump Tower" with "power" and a terrible team name is born: Team Power it is. Oof.

In the other room, Gary Busey has the best team names: The Invisible Witches, Sperm Farmers, Carrots, Sanitation Engineers, Bread Pudding, The Cotton Ponies, and Silver and Gold. Instead, they go with "Plan B." What an equally terrible name. Even Gary Busey knows it's the name of the morning after pill.

On Plan B, Stephen Baldwin volunteers himself to be the Project Manager for what will presumably be a fundraising task. Trace Adkins, who is always serious, also wants to be PM, and drops the name of "T Boone Pickens." Apparently that is a very rich person. He is so rich, in fact, that only rich people know what a T Boone Pickens really is.

At Team Power, Brande and Bret both want to be the Project Manager. Brande wants so badly to be the lead that she gets down on her hands and knees. "My girl Brande got down on her hands and knees in front of an old rock star, beggin' for it," Claudia says. Bret just asks her not to throw him under his own Rock of Love Bus.

The judges for this round are winner Piers Morgan, and the classy, lovely, and perfect Ivanka Trump. Donald Trump asks Bret why he isn't the PM, and Omarosa jumps in to say it's a bad idea. I have a feeling we will constantly be updated on what Omarosa is thinking throughout the game.

For the first challenge, the teams will be making meatballs. Lordy. Each team will have a meatball shop, then will take a signature meatball to the Live With Kelly and Michael show. The team that makes the most money with their terrible celebrity meatballs wins all the funds raised.

La Toya notes in an interview that Omarosa is not a star. She also doesn't like that Omarosa is "evil, and malicious, and mean." And you don't want La Toya coming for you because you will hardly know it's happening.

Trace's big idea for the meatball shop is not to even open it to the public. He just wants fifteen people with big checks to donate and call it a day. Trace does not care if someone eats his meatball and throws up. Who is Trace Adkins, really, and what are we supposed to think of him?

"Stop thinking about the meatballs," Trace urges his team, but they keep brainstorming ideas for the meatballs. "Are y'all actually trying to make something really good?" Trace asks his team, "why?" Because, Trace, your strategy is faulty.

Meanwhile, Brande has the women in the kitchen making meatballs. Dennis wants to help cook, but Brande isn't comfortable with that. She also doesn't want him to do the graphics because he doesn't use a computer. So Dennis is on the outs, sitting on a stool talking about how he's a team player. Claudia invites Dennis to form the meatballs with them, and he comically barely fits into the rubber gloves provided.

At a loss, and hoping not to get distracted, Plan B tries to come up with a task to absorb Gary. Gary over-chops the greens, and is assigned Piers Morgan if he visits the meatball shop. Everyone is making calls for big checks on both teams, since we're talking about meatballs made by celebrities.

But someone has to actually consume the meatballs. It's up to Kelly and Michael to pretend they care. Kelly is a vegetarian, and Bret remembered that, offering a vegetarian meatball with a pesto sauce and truffle oil. To make up for the offensive name of "Naked balls with Harry's sauce," Penn Jillette juggles the meatballs for the audience. The old ladies in the audience liked that well enough.

Back at the Team Power meatball shop, Omarosa muses at how impressed with herself she would be to take out the only returning winner of Celebrity Apprentice. Screw diabetes, this is about revenge. Someone please tell me what charity Omarosa has forgotten she's playing for.

Shockingly enough, people are lined up outside to pay for Team Power's garbage balls. Over at Plan B's meatball shop, no one is coming in because they weren't sure if it was meatballs or birth control or ...? Also, there's a sign on the door that says "closed for private event."

"We're making money now," Trace laughs coldly. Everything is going according to his terrible, jerkwad plan. Everything, that is, except Gary Busey. You can not count on Gary Busey to sit around and wait. Gary swings out and flags down a tour bus.

"Don't tell everyone to come in," Trace urges Gary. "That's my job," Gary tells him. It might very well be the job Gary gave himself, not understanding what Trace is trying to do. But Gary brings in Amy Grant, who brings in a check for $75,000. Gilbert Gottfried, Valerie Bertinelli, and Mick Foley are also interested in some publicity. So far the celebrities-only, money laundering meatball shop is a success.

Team Power is more interested in playing by the rules. Omarosa is assigned to be the cashier, which she seems to relish. Brande gets a check from Playboy, and Bret brings in some desperate old groupies. Team Power is in a rhythm.

Piers arrives for the Plan B team visit, and Gary is sent to distract him. This is actually a good plan that Trace Adkins implemented. Distracting comes naturally to Gary, and Piers surely only has so much patience. Piers calls Trace's strategy "high risk." In the end, the "stripper money" from Bret's roadies could make all the difference.

New Jersey Housewife Danielle Staub stops by to donate $1,000 to Team Power in the name of exposure. Piers Morgan swings in to question Team Power on their numbers, which the female celebrities can't be bothered with. Meanwhile, at Plan B's non-shop, a little blonde girl shows up on behalf of T. Boone Pickens. The blonde has a $100,000 check that could buy a lot of strippers.

At the tail end of the challenge, it looks like Brande can't get a hold of one of her largest donors. Will Trace's high-risk strategy pay off? Will anyone be able to get a word in edgewise in the board room?

In the board room, Brande is evaluated as a project manager, and Bret is criticized yet again for returning. Also, it's clear that Piers Morgan and Omarosa either hate each other, or have some kind of repressed sexual tension. Omarosa comes to the board room ready, and this time Bret is her target. The attempt is relatively unsuccessful, though, and it seems like Brande is in the most trouble.

Once attention is shifted to the other team, Penn Jillette proves yet again the most level-headed contestant this show has seen. He notes that Trace's decision to count on the "whales" is not the decision he would have made. Then Gary talks about "humility, a single-minded focus on doing good for everyone, and the making of the meatballs, and the serving of the meatballs." Stephen is in the hot seat for not bringing in any money on this challenge and saving his big donors for when he's project manager.

The attention turns back to Team Power and Piers's criticism of their balloons covering up some of the celebrities' faces on a big photo. It is generally agreed upon, by the judges, that Omarosa is historically unlikable. Dennis Rodman interjects with, "what do you have against this woman? You're obviously a dick, too," to Piers. This is some baggage carrying over from past seasons and I don't care for it.

At least the celebrities are clocking Piers for taking out personal vendettas from past seasons. I'm sure Piers is doing it because he thought it would make for good television, just like his fake feud with Howie Mandel on America's Got Talent. But in reality, it's tacky and we don't really care to see it. It's not about Piers anymore, and he needs to accept that. Claudia says Piers was whining like a woman, which Ivanka points out is derogatory towards women. She can say that to Claudia, but how she has managed to become deaf to her father's comments over the years is beyond me.

Donald Trump announces that Kelly and Michael liked the Team Power vegetarian meatball better and they won an extra $20,000. The totals come to $250,523 for Brande's team. Plan B raised $419,539. Who gave that extra $9? Not a very whale move. Anyway, Trace's team wins all that money for the American Red Cross, and his anti-game strategy did not pay off. Brande or Bret will be fired, since Donald Trump is so against Bret even being there.

In the board room, Donald Trump asks Brande whose fault it is that they lost. Brande asks Omarosa who made the least money, and Omarosa turns it back on Brande. Then, suddenly, it turns into Donald asking Brande if she thinks Omarosa stole money from the challenge. Brande gets clocked for not knowing her numbers, or how much each person brought in like a PM would want to know.

Bret gets some heat for choosing Omarosa on the team first, and isn't allowed to explain himself because everyone keeps interrupting him. The only reason Omarosa is so good at this game is because she doesn't allow anyone to interrupt her, and she goes along with whatever Donald Trump throws out.

By Carla Patton

Team Power goes down the line claiming how much they brought in. We obviously can't trust what Omarosa says they brought in because she wants Bret's blood. Their total is over-shot by about $80,000 and Ivanka asks Omarosa, as the cashier, how much Bret brought in. Omarosa's total for Bret only accounts for about $7,000 of the missing 80 grand. Omarosa's total is still too high. She's at it again!

Brande chooses to bring back La Toya and Bret, because of Omarosa's numbers. Piers still questions the validity of Omarosa's numbers, but in the green room, Trace points out that Brande made the right choice because Trump won't fire Omarosa. She's too good for TV.

Before this turns into an Agatha Christie "Who's Lying About the Money" mystery, Brande is eviscerated and Bret is mercifully fired. La Toya and Brande are left at the mercy of Omarosa, who knows how to play the game better than anyone here to raise money for charity. Like the toys from his PetSmart "Pet's Rock" collection, Bret only lasted a day.