Mural's Wedding

S12E13

Previously: Poor dumb Teresa got fired, then we got an early jump on this episode with the final four getting grilled by Marlee Matlin and John Rich, at which point Lisa was eliminated for crying that one time (and all those other times).

Post-Pinkslip Aftermath:
But we're not done! One more celebrity needs to be jettisoned before we get to the business of the final task. Rather than get right to it, though, Trump intends to dick around with some questions first. Such as: "Clay, why does John Rich think you're such a pussy?" (Paraphrased.) But seriously, how fucking predictable of an asshole is John Rich? "I can't put my finger on why, but I kind of think you're a weak-willed Nancy? What's up with that?" Anyway, Arsenio once again has to answer for cussing out Aubrey, which somehow leads to Trump complaining about politicians who apologize too much. The criticism of Aubrey is that she's transparent in her gamesmanship and underdeveloped (as ... a human being, I guess?). It will shock you to know that she gets defensive about this. "I'm comfortable being undeveloped, and I hope I die undeveloped." Trump manages to assure Aubrey that she's beautiful anyway. And then he fires her. And then I just don't even know anymore. Because we were all clamoring for a Clay/Arsenio final? This is just dumb. Why build Aubrey up as this monster and then see her eliminated in such an unsatisfying way? Anyway, in the aftermath interview, Aubrey proves she doesn't know what transparent means, so she just starts throwing all these compliments at herself in the hopes that one of them will eventually counteract the charges of transparency. She claims everyone on Earth is either intimidated by her, annoyed with her, or in love with her. I can guarantee you it's one of those three, yes.

The Task:
The day, the final two meet the Trumps at Lincoln Center, where they're given their task. It's a pretty standard final task: produce, host and sell tickets to celebrity charity event benefitting their chosen charity. In addition, they have to create a 30-second charity awareness ad, and also produce a variety show. For assistance, they each get to pick four team members from a pool of eliminated contestants: Adam, Aubrey, Debbie, Dee, Lisa, Paul, Penn and Teresa. I'm kind of genuinely shocked that they didn't return to the well of Dayana drama. Better news for the finalists, I guess. Also, I was worried I wouldn't get the pleasure of recapping Adam Carolla's gross ass this season, so I guess there's that.

By Joe R

Arsenio picks: Adam, Lisa (part of a strategy to keep her away from Clay), Paul and Teresa, who gets picked over Aubrey at the end, which is both awesome from an Aubrey-shaming perspective as well as smart, because Teresa may be incredibly dumb, but she will be a team member and not a usurper. So Clay ends up with Penn (another strategy pick, to show he can play well with people he's had problems with before), Debbie, Dee and Aubrey (who is, I should remind you, picked LAST ha ha ha ha!!). Aubrey takes this opportunity to tell us that "haters are hating once again." Noted, you nightmare of a person.

Team Clay:
Clay explains a bit about his charity, which suddenly makes him worthy as a person in Aubrey's eyes, so THANK GOD. Clay then delegates Penn and Dee to work on the charity ad, Aubrey to plan/decorate the event and Debbie to work on the variety show. "Let's All Play" is the slogan, and Aubrey comes up with a carnival theme for the event. Aubrey wants Clay to win, she says, but more importantly, she wants Arsenio to lose. Clay lays out his idea for a charity ad: depicting lonely kids on a playground or something. Penn finds it "offensive," which is his overdramatic and Clay-shaming (Penn is WAY into Clay-shaming in this task) way of saying that the concept makes the disabled kids look too pitiful. But his alternate idea -- kids playing together on the ground, pan back to reveal an empty wheelchair, so you can't tell which kids are disabled and which are not -- is really good, and Clay enthusiastically signs on.

Meanwhile, Clay put Debbie in charge of music for variety show, which she takes on in her trademark overly-serious Debbie way. Dee kind of blanches at the kind of lite-Motown stuff they want him to do, and Aubrey takes every opportunity she can to mock Debbie for being a has-been who won't stop singing "Shake Your Love" to anyone who will listen.

The biggest problem comes in the event space, when Aubrey suggests painting the walls. Clay is verrrrry reticent to begin a painting job, not trusting that it will be completed to his satisfaction in time for the event. But now Aubrey AND Debbie are all over this idea, with Debbie calling up this mural-painting cousin of hers and commissioning her to do a last-minute mural job. Clay -- again, fairly understandably, given his situation -- wants to see a sketch of the mural before he agrees to let Mural Cousin paint it. Debbie, for her part, feels bad that this cousin of hers dropped everything because she asked her to, and now she's being required to jump through hoops like an asshole. Ultimately, however, I agree with Clay when he's like, "Sorry not sorry" about it. He can't prioritize Mural Cousin's ego over the success of the task.

Clay, Dee and Penn head out to find a location for the video, which becomes a challenge as they take a tour of lower Manhattan's more dogshit-covered recreational areas. Penn says he's fine with filming this all in a studio, but he says he thinks Clay thrives on conflict, so the passive-aggressive digs continue. They try asking a baseball team if they could use their field for a while, but baseball waits for no man. One of the coaches is like, "You're causing a distraction!" but then once he realizes who these guys are, he fangirls all over Clay. But he STILL won't let them use the field! Clay's like, "Time to move on to Plan F for 'fucked.'" They finally find a small patch of grass outside a housing project and film the ad there. Clay immediately goes into teacher mode with the kids, who prove difficult to direct, as legend has told us.

During the editing of the ad, Debbie and Clay disagree about when the music cues should start. Dee's like "Okay, Debbie, but this is Clay's task," but Debbie gets wounded anyway. There's a sweet moment when Lisa calls and says she's going to come to Clay's gala with a check for his charity, which is pretty great. Meanwhile, Aubrey gets a big donation from someone or other, which earns her a big kiss from Clay. Spirits are high at Team Clay! They won't last. First, Debbie annoys Clay with her fiddling with the songs and not being able to present him with a complete performance to give feedback on. But that's nothing compared to how fed up he gets when the subject of the mural gets revisited. He still has not received a sketch, and he's like, "No sketch by tonight, no mural." He gets progressively more clipped and blunt with Debbie about it, until she really gets her feelings hurt. It's a pretty tense scene, particularly when Debbie calls her cousin and explains that Clay is nervous about the task, and Clay reprimands her for her choice of words while she's on the phone. CLIFFHANGER: Will Debbie quit the task???

Team Arsenio:
Adam's idea is to do a kids' show, but Lisa thinks they're not a kid-friendly group. She interviews that Arsenio has a tendency to over-accommodate, but she doesn't see it her place to override him in this task. But Arsenio steps up and says "I'm Baracking this motherfucker," which means he turns Adam's idea down. They agree on an ad with humorous overtones but with a serious message: AIDS is still here and still a problem. The concept has them all dressed in horrible '80s fashions and then saying that while those things are of the past, AIDS is not. They also plan to have Magic Johnson film some footage out in L.A. to be added to their video. Adam says he's got a crew out in L.A. who can do this for them. It's a plan!

Teresa and Adam go to a shop of grostesqueries to look for '80s costumes, and there's a charming interlude where Adam is scared of penis sculpture in this guy's office, because I know you were thrown off by his oafish demeanor, but Adam is so not gay. As a public service, however, he will keep reminding you of this. This is really becoming The Adam Show in a strange way. Maybe production feels bad for his exit or something, but seriously, even Teresa is kissing his ass. Meanwhile, Paul and Teresa are placed in charge of calling for donations. Arsenio admits he had fundraising nightmares in the past (the Leno check), but he's got Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Whoopi, Jerry Seinfeld and Alec Baldwin all lined up, it sounds like. "I thought you'd be friends with Oprah," asks the in-no-way-concerned-about-coming-across-as-a-racist Lisa Lampinelli. Speaking of, Lisa takes the reins of decorating the event space, while Teresa is put in charge of catering. Because of her cookbook, of course! You didn't know that Teresa Giudice is at the forefront of Jersey cuisine? I'm not sure anyone else could have picked a menu that had both a pork option AND a fish option.

Time to shoot the charity ad, and Adam directs it. There's a shouldn't-be-complicated shot where Arsenio passes a basketball offscreen and Magic Johnson is supposed to catch it in his shot, which is being filmed out in L.A. by what turns out to be Adam's podcast crew. Which, yes, seems suuuper dubious. Anyway, Adam and Arsenio spend a billion hours on the phone trying to explain what side of the frame Magic should be catching the ball on. So many repetitions of "camera left" and "frame right" and clearly no one knows what they're doing. But everything else about the ad seems solid. Lisa's good, Paul plays into his grumpiness, per usual. Teresa is clueless but not disastrous. The consensus from his team is that Arsenio is a hands-off leader in a good way.

In the editing bay later on, Arsenio is fundraising on the phone while Adam works with the editor. As Arsenio interviews to us, it turns out some of his friends have been stiffing him, or at least ignoring his calls. And he's like, "No worries! I get to shed their bullshit friendship and tell them to fuck off now!" Arsenio is kind of a simmering cauldron of rage underneath, huh? Meanwhile, the Magic footage takes FOREVER downloading from L.A., and when it does get there, it's the biggest disaster: Magic receives the pass, then proceeds to turn to his right and delivers the whole speech about the charity while standing SIDEWAYS to the camera. It's literally the most unbelievable thing I have ever seen. I don't care WHO is managing that shoot or how many wires got crossed with the "camera left" thing -- who doesn't know that you don't deliver exposition like that while standing SIDEWAYS? I hardly ever believe in producer-dictated fakery on this level, but COME ON. Anyway, the footage is essentially unusable. CLIFFHANGER #2.

By Joe R

week: the finale! Godwilling.

Joe R still really likes "Shake Your Love." He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at joseph.reid21@gmail.com, and you can listen to him yammer on to his heart's content on the Extra Hot Great podcast.