Prostitution Bore

S12E12

Previously: Dayana was finally put away, to be replaced season by whatever pageant girl/cheerleader/boxing match ringside girl Trump pops a boner for season. You know, Celebrity Apprentice has probably been really good for Trump and Melania's marriage staying together, since it lets him get all his horndoggery out of the way on TV. Anyway. Five left! Two getting fired tonight!

Post-Pinkslip Aftermath:
Everybody's like, "Dayana, right?" as they wait for Forte to return. Lisa and Clay try for a fakeotus, where Lisa returns alone and says Trump fired both Dayana and Clay. Arsenio is heartbroken, until Clay emerges and the bromance continues. Also? Lisa says it was a legendarily quick boardroom. She does a happy little song-and-dance in an interview, but before long, it's on to the target: Teresa Giudice and her extreme stupidity. Batter up!

The Task:
The final five meet at Hearst Tower to receive their task from Trump, the editor-in-chief of Elle, and the horndoggy namesake and CEO of Farouk Systems, the people who gifted the hair-care world with the Chi iron. Chi has a new hair dryer with a touch-screen for something or other, and the teams have to create a four-page ad campaign (suitable for Elle) to promote it. They'll be judged on brand messaging, the print ad campaign, and the overall pitch. Lisa and Teresa step up as the project managers. Then, there's a weird moment, as Trump maybe tries to sell Aubrey to Farouk as a wife? I dunno. He says she's gotten more and more beautiful as the season has gone on, and Farouk promises to shower Aubrey with jewels and houses or something.

Team Unanimous:
Farouk and the Elle lady return to the penthouse to give the teams some guidance. Arsenio notices "corporate pimpin'" Farouk wearing red shoes to match the branding of his product. He also notices Farouk hitting on Aubrey pretty shamelessly (and Aubrey being as receptive to it as your average geisha). "Men take to Aubrey," Arsenio offers. "If she wasn't such a bitch, I'd take to Aubrey." He wonders if it's about her insane fake hair.

After the execs leave, the ideas start bouncing around, mostly from Aubrey. Her big idea this week is something about futuristic Buddhist meditation. Something about the future of hair-care? She also doesn't want to have any words on the ad. "As usual," she says. "I had a million ideas."

, because Trump is a devious puppet-master, the teams each have to send a representative to negotiate for which models each team gets. Aubrey has her whatever-is-there-besides-a-heart set on some redheaded model (because Farouk is an Aubrey-loving pervert, of course), so she sends Teresa out with very specific marching orders. Of course, Teresa has to go up against Lisa, and as soon as Lisa sees that Teresa needs one specific model, she immediately is like, "Oh, no, we want her too." In truth, Lisa and Clay could give a shit which models they get. But Lisa has decided to play hardball and make sure Teresa doesn't get what she wants. It's an embarrassing mismatch on every level. Teresa actually has to go back in for additional coaching from Aubrey. Lisa ultimately tries to force some short-haired doof on her, even though Teresa wants a guy Lisa doesn't even want. Clay is laughing his ass off from the room, but Teresa is not equipped to play this game, so she's getting angry. But Lisa gets her way, and Teresa TAKES the short-haired guy! Back inside, Aubrey and Arsenio are crestfallen, and they tattle to Eric when he comes by about how Teresa dropped the ball. Teresa whines about Lisa being a dirty player, but this story only makes Lisa look good and Teresa look bad, so... Meanwhile, whenever Teresa -- the PM -- tries to explain the concept of the ad, Aubrey starts pouting like crazy. But don't worry! Aubrey totally ends up bulldozing the entire conversation anyway!

In fact, once again, Aubrey is taking everything on, usurping the task from Teresa. Which is just as well because Teresa is too busy not letting the Lisa thing go. While Arsenio supervises the product shoot (good thing Aubrey allowed it!), Aubrey is busy crowning herself the queen of the universe. Specifically, she asks Teresa if she wants her to be the redhead model instead of THE MODEL. What a fucking psycho. Later, Aubrey is trying on wardrobe with her tits hanging out. Teresa is all shocked about it in her interview. "Do you have any morals?" Um, no, actually, Aubrey does not have any morals, but it's got nothing to do with her boobs getting pixelated on NBC. Also, TERESA GUIDICE just called someone else's morality into question. Trump really does end up warping the reality of whomever is near him.

At the photo shoot, Aubrey has giant Chad Michaels-as-Florence-Welch hair, and she is like a pig in shit about all the attention she's getting. "You know what guys, I think we should try to get as tight of a shot as we can 'cause he told me I have pretty eyes." Swear to God. She talks about how this is her big revenge for all those Elle worst-dressed lists she's been on. Honey, you're still dressed like an asshole, though. And you're not in Elle yet. "I look so good as a hair model. My hair looks so fierce. It's just undeniable, helloooo?" My only hope is that Aubrey O'Day ceases to exist when there are no cameras on her. I cling to that hope every day.

Meanwhile, Teresa says she's a "big fan of photography" because she takes photos of her nightmare daughters at home. She also notes that Arsenio isn't doing much of anything on the task.

At the team's presentation, Teresa is a fucking disaster reading off her index cards. Or expounding about the product or her team's ads. Or sounding like a functioning human being with neurons. She sounds like she's just learning to read. Aubrey obviously looks like a genius by comparison, and of course she pimps herself out to Farouk. The lighting on these photos, by the way, is CRUNK as hell, all weird saturated colors, like it's in the back room of a nightclub. "And that's our presentation," Teresa says, ending the presentation with a weird car-show pose last seen during a Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right. Aubrey, as usual, takes credit for EVERYTHING. "I saved the day," and all that.

Team Forte:
Right at the outset, Lisa and Clay give interviews to the effect that they're not going to refrain from going after the other if they fuck up. But as usual, they work really well together. Lisa notes the touch screen on the hair dryer, sure, but also that it's lightweight and quiet and "a lot more than what you see on the outside," so she decides on a concept about women who are not what they seem on the outside. Clay worries the concept is too "busy" (or abstract) for a print ad, but he's willing to go with it.

After the model negotiation, Lisa goes clothes shopping with the models that she chose. "Shopping for size zero [clothes] is the best thing in the world!" she enthuses. "The bags don't even weigh anything!" Meanwhile, Clay struggles to properly direct the hair and makeup people back at the shoot. Lots of "When Lisa gets here..." responses. At one point, he brings a cup of coffee to a model ("You wanted black ... but this has cream in it..."). OOOF, Clay. Just ... ooof. So Lisa is running late with the wardrobe, and when she does arrive, she eats lunch while Clay supervises the shoots. This gets set up like some major transgression that's going to come back to haunt her, but nothing else comes of it. Later, Don Jr. arrives, and he has the same concerns Clay did about how a complex idea will translate.

At the presentation, Lisa and Clay are solid and competent. There is LOTS of copy on these shots, and no major headline besides "CHI Touch." That said, Lisa is VERY confident she beat dummy Teresa. Tough to blame her, given the data she's got.

The Boardroom:
The execs evaluate both teams. Unanimous did not have enough information on their ads about the features and benefits of the product. They did have stronger images, though. Forte's presentation was not "passionate," but their ads did specify the features/benefits of the hair dryer. They also liked how the ads took into account the Elle reader and the different types of girls their magazine reaches.

In front of the teams, Trump immediately jumps to the model negotiation, where Lisa outsmarted Teresa. Teresa: "She THINKS she outsmarted me." Oh, right, your master plan to get Lisa to make you pick the guy with the crew cut for a hairdryer ad. Trump obviously thinks Lisa "won," but Teresa says Lisa played dirty "like the dirty mouth she has." (She used that line earlier in the episode too -- Hallmark of a sharp mind, for sure.) Trump asks Lisa if Teresa deserves to be in the final two, and Lisa immediately is like, "No way, four people deserve it more." Aubrey is then asked to compare Teresa and Lisa. She says Lisa is "sharp, smart, has the ability to get what she wants." Teresa: "I do too!" Oh, this is a sad display, Teresa. Aubrey is forced to say Lisa would be better in the finals, like we were expecting anything less.

Arsenio tries to brush off the negotiation, saying he had two beautiful-haired women on his team, but Eric gets Arsenio and Aubrey to say they weren't happy with the outcome of the negotiation. Aubrey manages to take credit for "fixing it," of course. The teams swap ads, and Lisa compliments Aubrey's photo. Clay says he's not sure what they're advertising with no copy. Eric delivers the positive/negative comments to Unanimous, and when he says Teresa was viewed as an awkward presenter, Trump immediately cackles. He really hates Teresa for some reason (I still say he's pissed she hasn't flipped any tables). Don Jr. says the execs really LIKED the advertorial aspect of Forte's ads, so score one for Lisa. However, the execs didn't like the clothes, which they found dated. That could be an indictment of Lisa.

By Joe R

As for the winners, well, since we haven't yet seen that Arsenio/Teresa fight we were promised in last week's promo, this seems rather academic. And in fact, the execs "strongly" preferred Lisa's team won. So $100k for Gay Men's Health Crisis, yay! Trump sends them back to the suite to watch the rest of the boardroom on TV. "It's going to be rather brutal."

After a call from upstairs, all four return to the boardroom, where Trump congratulated them on making it this far. "It really is something to be proud of," he says. IS IT? He says two more will be eliminated before the finals, and those determinations will be made by the executive committee of last season's top two, John Rich and Marlee Matlin. Because who can succeed in business without the stamp of approval from the guy who wrote "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy"?

Then we cut to THE FUTURE for some reason, where Marlee and John recount their meetings with the final four in retrospect, like this show needed something as hoary as a framing device. Oh, by the way, Marlee enthuses about getting to raise $7.2 million for charity via an Apprentice event, and Trump immediately, like a reflex, asks for 25%. Hero. So ... the interviews.

Aubrey considers herself an old soul (oh, brother), but Marlee wonders if she's in this for TV or for charity? Oh, Aubrey is all about charity. She's worked with Nelson Mandela, Dalai Lama, and Fidel Castro. I DON'T EVEN KNOW, YOU GUYS. She's also passionate about bullying as an issue and as a way to get attention for herself. Marlee doesn't seem entirely sold. Meanwhile, John Rich has apparently appointed himself the hardass of this season. He has some kind of big problem with Diddy not being called upon to donate to her charities. She says she did call him, but, I'm not sure if you've heard, he fucking hates her. Anyway, she claims she's NOT manipulative or conniving, but as John tells Trump later, it was a little obvious that Aubrey was running game on him.

Marlee thinks Clay might have been a follower all season, but as Clay talks about his charity -- kids with disabilities -- it's clear she likes him. John goes for the "you shocked everybody by being a tough faggot" route that Trump favors so much, and then proceeds to berate Clay about how "second place sucks!" John gets on Clay's case for only being PM twice in 13 weeks. I'm really glad John Rich is making the most of this chance to be an asshole on TV. Clay does say he's been holding some in reserve for the finals, however, which seems ill-advised.

With Arsenio, John brings up how he raised over a million dollars in his season, as compared to Arsenio's $100,000. John's theory is that nobody tried very hard to win I guess. Good theory! Marlee asks how he got along with everybody, so of course he has to bring up the names he called Aubrey several episodes ago. Not appropriate, he says but all he can do is ask for forgiveness. Still, Marlee is a little disappointed in him! I would hate that.

By Joe R

, Marlee's like, "I'm deaf and I think Lisa Lampinelli talks a lot." John thinks she's tough, in a good way. Lisa describes herself in similar terms. "No one is left standing when LL comes after them," she says, and absolutely agrees with John that she's the toughest. She's the only one John's not a dick to, which tells you a lot about him, I think. Marlee brings up the constant tearful outbursts this season -- including citing Tom Hanks's immortal "no crying in baseball" line from A League of Their Own, which only makes me like her more. But Lisa seems to charm Marlee, too.

After one final break, they're all back in the boardroom. Everybody basically figured out that John was playing Bad Cop, for the record. Marlee and John both thought Aubrey was nervous and that that Lisa had trouble all season controlling her emotions. Lisa somehow tries to say she always has control of her emotions, even when she's crying in the boardroom. I'm not sure calculating is the picture you want to paint when it comes to those kinds of outbursts. But based on these concerns of emotional overload -- which was not on display in either interview at all -- Lisa is fired. Um. What? That seems even more engineered than normal. And to what end? To preserve Arsenio/Aubrey for the finals? I don't get it.

Lisa is really cool about it, though. It's good that she cares about the show the appropriate amount. Which is not at all.

week: One more will be fired from the John/Marlee sessions! Then everybody comes back for the final task. We see a clip of Debbie Gibson complaining that Clay is talking to her like a third grader. Typically, the finalists get deference rather than sass-back during that final task, so I think Clay gets fired . Official prediction.

Joe R really wanted Lisa to win. He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at joseph.reid21@gmail.com, and you can listen to him yammer on to his heart's content on the Extra Hot Great podcast.