Jingle Hell

S12E11

Previously: It was Clay v. Aubrey, Round 2, and this time Aubrey got to smile her scary Joker smile in victory while continuing to insist that she's the only person on her team worth existing. Also, Dayana's ability to alienate all persons who are not sexually attracted to her began to work its magic on Clay. And Penn's smug slogan for Trump's smug cologne was deemed too smug, to which Penn merely shrugged smugly and smugged shrugly. And while Trump has now decided he wants to fire Dayana for being brought back to the boardroom every single episode, including retroactively in seasons, even the non-celebrity ones, he was forced by fairness or something to fire Penn.

Post-Pinkslip Aftermath:
Before the survivors return, Aubrey not only jumps up and down about her own win, but takes credit for everybody else's wins as well. "Whether you like me or hate me," she squeaks to the camera, "I'm the only reason we ever have had a creative on this team." INDEED, Aubrey, and after a season-long effort, thanks for finally draining the last bits of meaning from the word "creative."

Meanwhile, guess how Lisa feels about Dayana returning instead of Penn? Just guess! They all expect Penn to go home, so it's no surprise when Clay and Dayana return. Aubrey unleashes the most insincere "Claaaaaaaay! Dayanaaaaaaa!" at them as they return. Clay ultimately interviews that he can't be too sad a stronger player got fired, even if he'd have kept Penn over Dayana. Meanwhile, Dayana thinks she'll have to watch her back, alone on the team with Clay and Lisa.

After the credits (I find myself mesmerized anew by Debbie Gibson's fierce water-spin), Aubrey delivers her Trump Bucks to GLSEN, an organization dedicated to stopping anti-gay bullying. So of course Aubrey makes sure everybody knows how she was "constantly bullied," because of course nobody has it worse than perky little fame monsters. I'm pretty sure this period of "bullying" she's talking about was her time in Danity Kane. I digress.

The Task:
The teams meet at the Boathouse in Central Park for what turns out to be no good reason, as their task is for Good Sam, who are I guess a AAA type service for RV owners? They want the teams to write and produce a 90-second jingle for their roadside assistance program, and then perform the jingle in front of a live audience. Sounds stupid and perfect. Trump beams at Clay about how his perfect singing voice will be quite an asset. Arsenio reminds him that Aubrey is also a singer. Trump's all, "Oh, right! We always think of you as a Playboy cover. I guess you're technically a singer." HA HA HA, awesome.

By Joe R

Don Jr. and Ivanka will assist Trump in judging. Dayana and Arsenio step up as project managers, though Arsenio is good-natured about Aubrey's inevitable mission creep.

Team Unanimous:
Aubrey wants the jingle to have a cheerleader vibe, but Arsenio shoots the idea down. She then suggests some kind of tap-dancing routine, which Arsenio shoots it down due to the Bojangles clause. Aubrey doesn't get that at all and just assumed Arsenio is being a baby. "Arsenio is the biggest girl on this show," she says, followed by accusing him of wearing cheerleader outfits at home or something. She's kind of just spraying vileness in all directions at this point. So both Aubrey and Arsenio are big babies and clam up in the van on the way to the workspace, and Teresa, of all people, has to be the mature one. TERESA!

At the workspace, Arsenio and Aubrey jockey for position over everything, with Arsenio generally opting to let Aubrey have her way to keep her happy, while Aubrey rushes to find the nearest camera at all times so she can complain about how useless Arsenio is. The Good Sam exec comes by and, among other things, tells them their audience is "Your mother, your grandmother, your child." We also meet the "Good Sam" mascot, who is a bobblehead with a scary Aubrey smile. Speaking of whom, Aubrey goads Good Sam exec into buying into her "cheerleader" idea, and his apparent enthusiasm for it gets Arsenio onboard. She's far more concerned with nailing down a style for the jingle rather than the actual songwriting. "I can write something with literally no effort," she says, which I know comes as a real shock to Danity Kane fans everywhere. They also decide to let Arsenio lay down a rap in the middle of the song.

Arsenio assigns Teresa and Aubrey to signage while he prepares his drum solo (yes, he's also getting a drum solo), but when the singers arrive, Aubrey sneaks off into the vocal booth to join the backup singers. Arsenio swallows it with a grimace. Don Jr. visits and is treated to a dry run of the song, followed by, per usual, the moment when Aubrey pulls him aside and enthusiastically runs down her teammates, especially Arsenio. Don's like "I've been around a LOT of disgusting behavior in my years doing this show, but Aubrey is easily the grossest."

Later, Aubrey and Teresa call Arsenio from the van en route to a rehearsal or something, basically so Aubrey can set Arsenio up to look bad, and they ask for direction for the performance. He's vague, which gives Aubrey the opportunity to be racially sketchy ("Homeboy is shifty! Grow some balls, bro!"). Meanwhile, Arsenio looks like a chump as he interviews that Aubrey's really come around on this team-player thing. At the rehearsal, Aubrey totally takes over and revamps Arsenio's concept. She takes away his drum solo at the beginning of the song and moves it to a different point. With the drum solo at a different point, Arsenio no longer feels comfortable with it, because it's not what he rehearsed. Aubrey freaks out about Arsenio being a baby and throwing a tantrum; she's really just astronomically the worst.

Performance time: Teresa is appropriately hammy in the little skit intro, with her and Arsenio pretending to be stranded on a dark road. Aubrey, of course, thought it was horrible, saying it's so sad when people aren't as good as everything as you are. Ugh. When it comes time for the song, Aubrey tarted up but good as a cheerleader. The whole performance seems manic and messy and unfocused, and Arsenio's rap seems really out of place and jank. Also? One of their lyrics about Good Sam is that he's "always humble and responsible," which ... lord knows I need humility in my roadside assistance program.

The Good Sam exec loved the energy/enthusiasm of the performance, says the jingle was catchy, and liked the use of the mascot. He didn't love Aubrey's cheerleader outfit, saying it was too revealing.

Team Forte:
Obviously, Clay is totes going to sing. Meanwhile, Dayana thinks "jingle" means "Christmas," which leaves her wide open for mockery from Lisa. Clay interviews that he would have been a more natural fit for PM. I'm not sure why the people with the talent affinity think they'd be the best PM. I would think a good PM on a task would be able to direct the talent without having to BE the talent, but whatever.

The team's idea is a kind of 1960s Four Seasons pastiche, though Dayana keeps straying from the topic, trying to '80s things up (she wants a little Duran Duran style). Lisa and Clay are like, "Um, no," and Dayana interviews that she's feeling steamrolled. The Good Sam exec's advice to the team is to not play it safe (I guess having a Four Seasons-type group perform "Hungry Like the Wolf" would not be very safe, so maybe Dayana's onto something). Lisa thinks they're wasting a lot of time "teaching" Dayana about music styles. Dayana plays the martyr to the cameras, saying there's no time for her to stick up for herself against mean old Lisa and Clay. Dayana is driving everyone CRAZY by micromanaging the music and insisting that Lisa let her co-write the songs.

Clay gets into the booth to record the song, and Lisa thinks it's good enough to shove Debbie Gibson's Crystal Light jingle out of her head. Clay resents Dayana micromanaging his singing, some more. I do think at some point Dayana just decided she was never going to win with these two and just decided to be a huge bitch about it. Like, "Lisa, can you make it cuter and not so scary?" is not how you try to manage your team. Clay rightly points out that Dayana's "leadership" is just a lot of authoritative posing without much of an idea of where she wants the task to go. "It's not even the blind leading the blind," he says. "It's the blind leading the seeing." It's tough to blame him for something like this when Dayana is saying she wants the dancers dressed as hippies, because she doesn't get how that runs counter to their aesthetic.

Don Jr. shows up, and Dayana enthuses about Clay and all his great ideas for the jingle. Lisa sticks up for her own contributions to the concept and song. Don pokes a stick, asking Dayana if she feels her ideas have been fully heard. "Not really," she says. "[Clay] knows what he's doing, and [Lisa] is as loud as possible." Lisa's like "Not cool" and starts crying and then she fucking LOSES it, saying Dayana is lying and she's a fucking bitch. For her part, Dayana seems really pleased with herself that she prodded Lisa into looking like a total lunatic in front of Don.

Lisa stomps out, and after Don leaves, she returns, but it's a cold war. Dayana pulls the "not here to make friends" card, so the season can truly begin. She takes on signage and brand messaging for the task and refuses to apologize to Lisa, at least not an unqualified apology. Lisa continues to yell at her about being terrible. Dayana thinks a Celeb Apprentice needs class and dignity and HAHAHA I'M SORRY I CAN'T EVEN. Lisa resolves to put her head down and bury Dayana in the boardroom.

At rehearsal, Forte hones their fake radio show concept, and Dayana continues to micromanage Clay, which he resents. He flips on her and yells at her for condescending to him, so she backs off and gives a crying interview about how nobody respects her.

The day, Clay and Dayana overhear Aubrey rehearsing her team's song (complete with finger-to-ear posing), but they don't think they're in very much trouble. The Forte performance goes well, with Dayana creeping offstage like an angry Disney villain in a cardigan. At the end, Dayana takes the stage, sans mic, and thanks everybody for watching, even though nobody can really hear her. It's pretty sad.

The Good Sam exec liked the energy of the performance, Clay's singing, and Lisa's writing. He thought it was maybe a little too conservative and that Dayana was not dressed for the stage when she took it.

The Boardroom:
Arsenio kisses Aubrey's ass to start, saying he'd put her voice up against Clay's today. Even Clay has to laugh that one off. Arsenio acknowledges that he and Aubrey butt heads, but he'll take a leader like her over ... Trump: "A stiff. Like Teresa." WHOA. I think Trump is finally fed up that Teresa hasn't flipped a table on anyone this season. He's just kidding, of course, but Teresa proceeds to give a series of stiff, one-word answers, so, you know.

Switching gears, Trump wonders aloud if this is the night we [finally] get rid of Dayana. Lisa says if they lose, Dayana should definitely go, calling her both a know-nothing AND a do-nothing. Dayana thinks Lisa should be fired, for being a big meanie. They bicker about Lisa shooing Dayana away from the lyric-writing, and it's all just the same argument, over and over again. Don asks Dayana to defend her comment about Lisa in front of him, and Dayana tries to put it off on Lisa's temper. Lisa rips off a tirade -- one that traverses the commercial break -- that really impresses Trump with its viciousness. They rehash and rehash the fight. Dayana basically keeps saying she was not respected and they pushed her away. Ivanka sees this as a failure of leadership, to which Aubrey starts bobbleheading from her side of the table. The Trumps are finally like, what? Aubrey basically says to be a leader means letting people do what they do best, and she rips off the soundbite-worthy "This is not Celebrity Miss Universe, this is Celebrity Apprentice." Trump notes Dayana's stoicism in the face of Lisa and interprets it as "cool," which is your typical Trump myopia.

By Joe R

Trump asks Arsenio if he would replace Aubrey with Dayana. Arsenio hesitates, but picks Aubrey. More fighting! Dayana asks Lisa how many languages she speaks and why she cries so much. And THEN she's all, "Where's your respect for Project Manager?" That's ... not a thing that's inherent? Again, Dayana seems to think that leadership consists of her saying "I'm Project Manager" a billion times and everybody being like "Yes, you are! I will totally put on a hippie costume to sing this doo-wop song!"

By Joe R

Finally, Clay would like to speak, and Trump plays a little joke on him by cutting him off after two words. Clay talks up Lisa and says Dayana was a problem. They had to give her a "crash course in musicology" so that she could choose the style they wanted.

After the Lil' Trumps go over what the Good Sam exec thought of the performances. Then the big man announces that Good Sam "strongly" thought that Unanimous were the winners. I...don't entirely see it, actually, but I guess the guy really didn't like how old-fashioned Forte was. Whatever, more fuel for my "Aubrey Should and Will Win" theory.

The You're-Fired-ing:
This goes quicker than usual, because there's no decision of who to bring back. Also, obviously Dayana is getting fired, come on. Trump basically said this last week. Ivanka does pipe up that Lisa's animosity could make Lisa impossible to lead, but Dayana should have "neutralized" her rather than poked at her. Trump: "Doesn't Dayana being Miss Universe mean she would be awesome at a task like this? Because of her great showmanship?" Clay: "Um? No."

Trump asks Clay if Dayana was a problem because she was absent for much of the task (as the Good Sam exec noted). Clay says, "It was tough because she WASN'T absent," and then goes into the micromanaging issue. And on this, Trump is SOLD. Clay really buries Dayana way more effectively than Lisa's badgering. Trump tries to cushion her fall, but come on. It's over. "You're a fabulous woman, you're a beautiful woman" but Dayana is so fired.

The after-boardroom hug between Dayana and Lisa is seriously awkward, but not more than Lisa saying, "You're a good person." She's not NOT a good person, but...

week: Marlee Matlin! Double elimination! Bye, Teresa!

Joe R never wants to run into that Good Sam mascot for as long as he lives. He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at joseph.reid21@gmail.com, and you can listen to him yammer on to his heart's content on the Extra Hot Great podcast.