Chronic Fa-Tiegs Syndrome

S12E01

Cue La Danse Grandiose du Trump! It's time for another season of The Celebrity Apprentice! Trump exits his limo and bloviates about the millions of money earned by seasons. I basically tuned this part out, though I'm pretty sure Trump may have taken credit for inventing the wheel and orchestrating world peace before segueing to the intros.

This season's contestants include Master Illusionist Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller; pop icon Debbie Gibson; comedian and "Internet trailblazer" Adam Carolla, who gets a 2.5 more seconds of screen time for admitting, apropos of nothing, "I lost my virginity in a [Buick] Regal"; Miss Universe 2008 Dayana Mendoza; "late-night legend" Arsenio Hall, who will be soliciting donations from all Dog Pound alums, so get our your checkbooks, kids; movie star and Grammy winner (for Best Hawaiian Music Album, which is apparently a category?) Tia Carrere; rock star Dee Snider, who most definitely will not be blasting "We're Not Gonna Take It" during any challenges; that lady from the Comedy Central Roasts Lisa Lampanelli; American Chopper handlebar mustache enthusiast Paul Teutul, Sr.; actress (Marta from Arrested Development!) and philanthropist Patricia Velásquez; best-selling author, hair extension hoarder, breeder of Pauly D lookalikes, and the lady who saved Joey's dog statue from Friends from obscurity (seriously, what is that thing doing in this intro shot?) Victoria Gotti; Indy car racing legend Michael Andretti; vanguard supermodel (just don't tell Janice Dickinson) Cheryl Tiegs; American Idol first-loser-of-season-2 Clay Aiken, who is determined to destroy any Velvet Teddy Bears that come across his path; defenseless animal owner, former P. Diddy trick, and "singer" Aubrey O'Day; The Incredible Hulk and I Love You, Man star Lou Ferrigno; the Real Housewife who turned table flipping into a lucrative practice -- and an art, really -- Teresa Giudice; and Star Trek icon, out-and-proud gay, and kick-ass tweeter George Takei. Whew! So many contestants! So much looseness with hyperbole! Two minutes in, and I'm exhausted already!

By Lady Lola

The 18 Celeb-prenti meet Trump at Lincoln Center's Avery Fisher Hall, issuing various threats and strategy talking points along the way. Most notably (albeit predictably), Victoria Gotti warns, "I can make you disappear." Noted! Trump has actually hired a mini-orchestra to play him onto the stage with the show's theme. Trump tells them all about Lincoln Center -- its $90 million genesis under John D. Rockefeller, and its recent billion-dollar renovation -- before turning his attention to the contestants. He asks what Arsenio Hall has been up to recently. Well... not much, but apparently he travels in the same circles as Ruben Studdard (yeah, 2003 name check!), who told him not to "be the first black man to lose to Clay Aiken." Clay laughs it off and says that he hopes a Celebrity Apprentice victory can erase his reputation as a runner-up.

up, Teresa Giudice has big shoes to fill since NeNe Leakes competed last season. And I mean that literally: Nene wears a size 10-11! Speaking of curvy ladies, Trump is rarin' to roast Lisa after she took pot shots him on his Roast. Fellow comedian Adam Carolla jokes he's playing for the charity White Kids Without iPads (actually, it's Catholic Big Brothers). Trump moves to Victoria, and asks who she's planning to go to war with. Victoria remains mum in front of her fellow Apprenti but admits in an interview that high-maintenance Debbie Gibson and fellow Italiana Lisa should watch it. Lisa says she's got eyes on George Takei: "I'm gunnin' for you bitch." George responds, "My loins are girded." Arsenio: "I don't even know what that meant, but it's very scary!"

Okay, enough introductions. Trump tells the Apprenti that, as per usual, the first round of challenges will be men versus women. They have to go back to the apartment, pick their Project Managers and team names, then meet him back in the boardroom to learn this week's challenge. Credits.

Men's apartment. Lou immediately suggests they get down to the business of naming their team. Adam's "brilliant" suggestions: Team Back Hair, the Trumpeteers, and the Honey Badgers. Clay is not impressed, but Penn likes that honey badgers are "the only animals that will kill for sport." As Adam proposes they call themselves the Urinal Cakes, Clay says, "Mr. Trump does not suffer childishness, and we have a lot of frat boys on our team." There are years of therapy behind that loaded description. George wants to get the word "Galactic" in the team name. Penn riffs, asking, "How about Enterprise?" I think it's actually kind of perfect and clever, but George deems it too obvious. Adam snarks, "I had neighbors who were Trekkies... they were alcoholics." Somehow, the guys settle on the name Unanimous, which pretty much lives up to the sky-high standard of awful Apprentice team names (hello, Hydra and KoTU!). Dee admits that the name is "the last chick in the bar at the end of the night."

By Lady Lola

Meanwhile, the ladies are picking their name down the hall. Patricia Velásquez really jumps in there with Bone Crusher. Among the reasons this name is terrible? There is already a morbidly obese rapper with dibs on it. This is a reality show, not a WWE ring. And it is not easing the nerves of self-described scared loner Cheryl Tiegs. Don't frighten the models! Someone else throw in Bad Ass Babes, and Teresa puts Vincitori on the (inevitably flipped) table, explaining that it's Italian for "Winners." Debbie claims to have gotten a "feline energy" from the group (translation: Catty bitches up in here!), and proposes Prowess. Victoria literally cups her head in her hands at this, though I think it's all right. Plus, they're going up against Unanimous, so they really can't lose. Lisa struggles to make her voice heard over the din, but she makes a point of saying their name should not imply cattiness. Debbie thinks Forte (as in the musical term for "loud" and "strong") is a good option, and the ladies take a vote. Would you believe it? They're unanimous (lower-case "U").

On to the business of picking the PM. Patricia is vocal that she has lots of experience organizing teams and events (such as her non-profit Wayúu Tayá Foundation for indigenous Latin Americans). She tells a touching story about her own roots as a Wayúu kid, how she rose from poverty, and will use the money won from the task to build a school so kids like her can do the same. She thinks that there is no doubt they can win the task together, and for the moment there is no division on Team Forte.

Down the hall, Lou Ferrigno has his own inspiring story. He was born with a birth defect that robbed him of 75 percent of his hearing. He was told he'd never speak, but he ended up learning to speak and accomplishing his dreams. He asks his teammates to speak clearly in his direction so he can read their lips and warns them that, if he doesn't always respond, he's not being rude. Penn jokes the Lou needs a signal for when he is intentionally being a jerk. Lou gives him the middle finger, and everyone has a good laugh. Clay wonders who is going to be the PM, and nobody is willing to step up. Adam thinks there must be at least a few people who are universally knowledgeable and could take on any task. Speaking of being rude, he says that Paul Teutul probably would not be such a person. Paul corrects him, saying he ran a business for 40 years and basically takes on the job because "I don't really care... I'm going to have to do it at some point anyhow." That's the kind of passion it takes to win!

By Lady Lola

With that, the teams are called to the boardroom. Trump introduces the teams to his children/advisors Ivanka and Don. He asks who will lead the women's team. Patricia says she volunteered and knows how to lead a team and put together events quickly. They tell Trump they've chosen Forte as their moniker. He moves to the men. Paul shifts his eyes nervously as his name is announced as PM, and he continues not saying a word. Though, if the only words that will come out of his mouth are "I don't care," then perhaps it's best that he keeps mum. (For real, though, why is he here?) The men of Unanimous tell Trump their idiotic name, claiming it symbolizes how well they get along.

Before he introduces the task, Trump explains that intended Unanimous teammate Marco Andretti couldn't arrive with the others because his friend (Dan Wheldon) died in a racing accident. As such, Marco's father Michael has offered to replace his son in the competition and will be joining his team soon. Now for this week's task: Make and sell "celebrity" sandwiches. This is a sales-based task, though tips will also factor into determining the winner. Trump tells them to make delicious sandwiches and warns them of the unique shame of being fired first before dismissing them.

Unanimous. The guys believe that excitement will be the key to their success. So they're pulling out all the stops, calling in bikes from Paul's shops, utilizing Penn's fire-breathing and juggling skills, and... showcasing Lou and Paul's huge biceps? Yeah, not sure how that last element fits in. Dee likens the atmosphere to a carnival. They move on to their strategy. Adam thinks sales volume isn't as important as bringing in big ticket donations. They go around talking about how much they can expect to chip in. Dee says he can call on $5,000-10,000. Paul dismisses him out of hand, saying he could pull half a million dollars. Maybe this is another reason why Paul doesn't talk that much? Because his mouth says crazy things! I know he's under pressure to deliver as PM, but there is such a thing as blowing your wad too early in the game. The guys are, like, "What in the what now?" They ask him to repeat himself, and he insists he can get $500,000 in hand by tomorrow. And Victoria's the mobster? Seeing that they are outmatched, the guys decide to let Paul carry the task and save their big ticket donors for a future challenge. Go big or go home, as they say. Luckily Paul's home is only about 62 miles away if he muffs this.

By Lady Lola

The guys move on to the topic of the sandwiches themselves. Penn thinks it can't hurt to make a good sandwich and sell a lot of them. Though Dee thinks they have lots of name recognition in the group and could make several sandwiches, Penn advises them to pinpoint the branding on Choppers. They will basically have one sandwich that customers can change up depending on their tastes. The guys agree on this strategy and make their way to the deli.

Forte. Former Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza is excited to be working with Patricia, who has basically been her idol since she was a model back in Venezuela. Similar to the guys, Patricia suggests a carnival atmosphere (though it's more Carnaval than circus). Victoria tells her they'll need permits, and Patricia says blithely, "Let the police come." For obvious reasons, Victoria doesn't really want to get the police involved. The carnival idea gets squashed, and Debbie suggests a red carpet idea. They'll have a red carpet and a live performance from Debbie. Victoria continues to point out the flaws in everyone's plans without actually making any useful suggestions of her own, but Lisa for one is not willing to stand up the Boss's daughter -- "no horse heads in the bed for me!"

As for the sandwiches, they want to pick the most recognizable team members to use as inspiration. They think Teresa will make for a nice spicy Italian creation, Cheryl could offer up something diet-conscious, and Debbie would inspire something all-American. Aubrey sits back, disgusted (her word) that the others don't see what a BFD she is. She was in third-rate girl group Danity Kane! She's on Twitter! (She claims to have the most followers, though as of today that's not true -- Teresa has 35,000 more followers than her.) Also? Perhaps you shouldn't be bragging about being "recognizable" when you have such painfully generic sexpot looks and just dyed your hair flaming red, thus rendering yourself unrecognizable.

Unanimous arrive at the "deli," which is actually Cafe Metro. It's kind of funny calling something on par with Au Bon Pain a deli, but whatever. Paul starts calling shots. They make a sandwich with about 40 kind of meats. George writes down the ingredients and reads them out in a soft-spoken voice. Paul acknowledges George (or as he likes to call him, "Star Track [sic]") isn't the typically "aggressive" kind of guy he hangs out with (derive subtext from that as you wish). To be fair, it's mutual. George doesn't think tattoo-covered Hell's Angels type Paul "is the kind of person who inspires you to get out there and do your best. He's just a... [grunts]." Paul seems to think George is spacing out (pun intended) and says gruffly, "I'm not takin' no bullshit." George = horrified. Yeah, these two are going to end up hating each other or becoming road tripping best buddies together. I kind of hope it's the latter because... imagine!

As the plans continue to gel, Paul admits he's under a lot of pressure considering how much money he offered. He might have bitten off more than he could chew and is struggling to find the time to talk to his donors. Adding to the stress, Ivanka pays the guys a visit. She asks, "What's your sandwich." Paul's answer is a starling, "BLAM!" Um, okay? Arsenio says, "Paul is hard to read, and I'm not sure he's ready to lead. I don't understand talking to a grown woman like that." Ivanka asks about fundraising, which Paul insists will be the easy part. She wonders if they have a target. Paul dances around it before citing the half-million goal. She euphemistically calls this aggressive, and he says, "Yeah. I'm aggressive." Uh huh. We got that memo the last 38 times you sent it, buddy. Ivanka likes the chutzpah but wonders if someone as "rough around the edges" as Paul can bring in that kind of money.

Uptown, Forte is still at Trump Tower. They start making calls to their famous friends. Cheryl admits she's saving her biggest contributors for her own task. Meanwhile, Victoria isn't even working on the task. She's on the phone all right, but she's calling the car insurance company about her son's policy. (I think it's worth mentioning at this point that her youngest son if nearly 22 years old.) Lisa takes note. Debbie finally realizes they should probably check out the venue and/or figure out which sandwiches they'll be selling, so they pile into the van and make their way to the restaurant.

Unanimous is knee-deep in sandwiches when Michael Andretti finally arrives. The guys welcome him and bring him up to date on the task. He says he hopes he can contribute. Apropos of that, Clay tells him there's some meat that needs to be sliced, stat.

Forte arrives at their Cafe Metro location. As she pulls her hair back and puts on her apron, Debbie thinks it's a funny echo of the beginning of her career, when she was singing on milk cartons at Brooklyn street fairs. The ladies launch into their prep work, which is right up Teresa's alley as a cookbook author. Debbie tastes Teresa's famous roasted peppers, noting that Teresa seems more vulnerable and insecure than the table-flipping maniac she's heard about from the press. Though, admits Debbie, that insecurity "is its own kind of unpredictable thing. I think I expect the unexpected from Teresa!" Debbie continues her trash-talking spree by noting how "laid back" Cheryl is. By "laid back," she means sloooooow. Under her commentary, goofy music accompanies Cheryl taking about 20 minutes to separate two slices of cheese.

By Lady Lola

The morning, Forte loads back up in the van to report for work. Victoria is conspicuously missing, and Aubrey is not surprised. Lisa jokes, "Maybe she woke up in the trunk of a Lincoln Continental." Once at Cafe Metro, the ladies roll out the red carpet, inflate balloons, and plaster up signs as Debbie checks the sound system. Victoria finally arrives, claiming she tore her cornea last night. She's not wearing an eye patch or any sort of protective gear, so it couldn't have been that bad. Plus, she tells Patricia, "I had a dream you won, so don't worry about it!"

Meanwhile, Paul is already being a prick to George over at Unanimous. He tells him curtly, "Pay attention, George!" George thinks he has been paying attention and, moreover, that Paul is a blowhard (though he says it more delicately). He has kinder words for Lou, who takes his shirt off in preparation to go outside and flex for the customers. Says George, "Impressive! If I were that shape, I would be taking my shirt off all the time." He lets out a big smile, and they're open for business! Penn barks and juggles, juggles and barks. Paul and Lou flex. The choppers arrive, and Paul starts ushering people into the store as they chant "Fuckin' good sandwich! Fuckin' good sandwich!"

Uptown, Forte is also open for business. Former Apprentice contestant Carol Alt stops by to hand out fliers and great customers. Teresa and Dayan greet customers. (Though, I am incredibly sad to say, when I stopped by and bought Debbie Gibson's Teen Dream grilled cheese, Teresa was nowhere to be seen. Bah.) Nor was Aubrey, who credits her "tendency to be heavily charming" as she brings street folk into the shop. One of those people is Wyclef Jean, who donates $15,000 to his pal Patricia. He joins Debbie and Aubrey in a performance. And by "performance," I mean a gratuitous display on mic-snatching one-upmanship (mainly on Aubrey's overly sex kittenish part). The song they sing, by the way, has six words blasted on repeat: "Take a bite, save a life." It's pure poetry is what I'm saying. ("Pure" in the sense of facile.)

Uptown, the ladies of Forte are rolling in the money themselves. Andy Cohen, Katie Ford, and Russell Simmons all visit, though Simmons does present difficulties because he's a vegan. Cheryl and Victoria puzzle over what to prepare for him and run into the back to slap something together. Before he hands over his $10,000, he wants to taste the tofu-and-cranberry-spread creation. Cheryl blanches, fearing the sandwich might be awful, but the hip-hop impresario seems to like it. Don stops by, and Patricia gives him the rundown of their day so far. He worries that offering up a grilled cheese will slow them down, but thinks otherwise the ladies are doing well.

Unanimous. Dee and George worry that all the hullabaloo outside is distracting people from coming inside, and it really does look pretty dead in there. Adam is less concerned because there will be no way Paul can avoid the ax if his delivers don't come through and they lose.

Trump calls the two PMs to tell them he's arranged for an appearance on the Rachael Ray Show. Each team will send its best sandwich, and whichever one Rachael deems most delicious will win a bonus for that team. Paul sends Adam and Arsenio with The Chopper (with a box that features Paul's tatted bicep). Patricia sends Lisa and Victoria with The Celebrity Club International. Rachel tastes both sammies, though we won't find out the winner until tonight's boardroom.

Unanimous. There are nine minutes to go, and Paul's whales have yet to arrive. Says Clay, "We could be screeeeeeewed!" Quite the contrary, Dayana pulled in a $20,000 check to end the day for Forte. Patricia thanks her team from the bottom of her heart, though she is worried that she'll let down the kids if her team doesn't win. I don't know about the kids, but she's let me down by rounding up such a functional, drama-free first challenge.

Boardroom! Patricia tells Trump she has no doubt her team won because they made a lot of money and worked well together. But it was Dayana who was the star with her big check and ability to bring in people. Trump asks what Tia did. She says she worked the register, and Patricia said she was amazing at making sure everyone who checked out had a great experience. Trump asks Patricia if she would bring Tia back if they lose. Patricia says she definitely not and Tia inexplicably says, "You can bring me back." Trump's, like, "Don't be stupid, Tia." Tia: Gulp. Trump forces Patricia to ask who were the weak links. She hesitantly admits Cheryl -- because she didn't bring any money -- and Victoria. Victoria assumes it's because she didn't participate in the three-ring circus and instead stayed in the back and made sandwiches. Patricia says Victoria wasn't a team player because she didn't answer phone calls during her cornea drama. Oh, Patricia. You really can't argue that someone's not a team player when they are injured. Whether you buy into Victoria's cornea situation is one thing, and yes it was distracting, but that's not a strong leg to start on.

By Lady Lola

On to the men. Trump welcomes Michael and turns to Paul, who says Penn was the MVP. Like Patricia, he hems and haws about naming a weak link, then calls out George and Arsenio. George, he argues, doesn't have a strong enough personality to stand up to the other guys. Trump doesn't buy this argument considering George's work for gay rights. George is likewise taken aback by being described as "meek." He's, like, "I grew up in internment camps, bitch." Paul looks like an asshat, is what I'm saying. George is reserved, maybe. Soft-spoken, yes. Meek? No. As for Arsenio, Paul has no reason behind this pick. Adam snarks that, "You told Paul to pick two guys to bring back, and he picked three minority groups [black, gay, Asian] to kick off the show. Nice going, Paul!" Everyone laughs, and tension breaks a little.

By Lady Lola

Trump reminds the teams about the Rachael Ray challenge. Cafe Metro will donate $35,000 to the winning team, which is... Unanimous! Will that save Paul's ass? TBD...

Trump says, "Lou, tell me about the gun show." Lou: "Huh?" The slang term "guns" has to be explained to Lou. There's a long song about how Lou is not as big as he used to be and blah, blah, blah. Trump also notes that Paul has some serious muscles and maybe people don't want to mess with him. Paul insists his leadership skills extend past his brawn. For the moment, everyone (especially Penn) is all rah-rah for Paul, but I know that shit is going to hit the fan if they lose. Unlike Patricia, Paul is a hard personality to take, and it doesn't sound like the people he's called out will take his blame-shifting sitting down. Not to mention the whole $500,000 thing. Basically, no matter which way you slice it, Paul probably didn't deliver what he promised.

But will that matter? Trump turns to Don to ask how Forte performed. Don says they set an Apprentice record for money raised on the first task. Their total was $126,962. Ivanka says the men's team raised $367,120 (including the sandwich contest prize). Paul explains that $305,000 of that total came from a single donor. Which means the guys only raised $27,000 and change on their own. Which, considering they weren't trying at all, is pretty impressive, but still it feels like a cheat. Then again, all's fair in love and the Apprentice! And, at the end of the day, it goes to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, so I can only do so much bitching. The men head upstairs and celebrate their victory (to the tune of $484,082 with Forte's fundraising), and Paul thanks all his team members for not being "bitches." Oh sheesh...

Meanwhile, the women have to face the firing squad. They're obviously dispirited. Aubrey thinks Patricia's charity should get the money that the women raised, but Trump shuts that down without even letting her finish the sentence. Those aren't the rules, sweetie. Patricia admits that she's especially frustrated because she raised 90-95% of the money for the team, so seeing it go to Paul's charity (albeit a great charity) hurts that much more. Ivanka tries to comfort her, saying she raised awareness for her charity. Meh. Awareness doesn't feed the cat.

Trump asks who besides Patricia raised the most money, and she points to Dayana. There's a whole gross part where Trump asks if Dayana's donor was her boyfriend (it wasn't) and whether her boyfriend is rich (he isn't). Trump insists it won't last. Like I said, gross. Patricia also says Aubrey and Teresa brought in money. Trump asks Debbie who he should be fired. She focuses first on pointing out what a hard worker Victoria was and how she was missed when she went to visit Rachael Ray. On the other hand, Cheryl was a slow poke. Cheryl tries to defend herself, saying she brought in between $10,000 and $15,000. Patricia interrupts, and it's clear Cheryl isn't enough of a shark for this competition. She insists she called an NYPD friend, who referred a lot of people that weren't specifically accounted for but still showed up. Patricia shakes her head and says there's no way Cheryl brought in $10,000.

Trump glosses over that statement and wonders if anyone thinks Patricia should be fired. It's an unequivocal no. They say she did the best she could have under the circumstances. Trump says, "But she still lost." He turns to Dayana, who is flabbergasted that she -- one of the least recognizable "celebrities" -- brought in the most money. Trump tells her, "People are cheap."

He then turns to Lisa and notes how nice she is in the flesh, as opposed to her stage persona. But now he wants to disprove that by making her crap on one of her teammates. She mentions Victoria's personal phone calls and Cheryl's lack of focus. With that, Trump puts Patricia on the spot. She goes with Lisa's suggestions, naming Cheryl and Victoria to rejoin her in the boardroom.

Once the ladies have left, Trump admits he's sad to have to fire someone when both teams did a legitimately good job. Still, he calls the Forte firing candidates in to fight for their lives. Cheryl insists she did a lot of behind-the-scenes work (including making a lot of sandwiches for Debbie while she was performing) and brought a lot of people in the door who bought the sandwich with the highest price (the $500 club). Patricia tries to make sense of the team's failure, and it comes down to the fact that almost everyone held back on calling their biggest donors. Victoria acknowledges she's right and admits she was saving up for her turn as PM. She says she did, however, complete her tasks in the kitchen completely. Patricia admits she expected people to hold back but thinks it wasn't very team-oriented of them. Trump asks Cheryl if she held back. She admits she did because she doesn't have a lot of New York contacts. Patricia says that's a load because she doesn't live in New York either. She won't claim that Cheryl held back the most, though.

Trump wonders if, in hindsight, Patricia would still have taken the risk of volunteering for PM. She says she would have. Who should Trump fire? She thinks Victoria has more potential, even if she's unfocused and a little selfish. Trump asks Victoria who to fire, and Victoria also name-checks Cheryl. Despite the fact that she's basically a goner, Trump asks Cheryl who she would fire. Cheryl continues to be basically useless and finally admits, "I don't know if this is right for me." Even Patricia says under her breath, "Oh, Cheryl. Don't say that." It's like a puppy throwing itself in front of the boot. Cheryl admits she's always been shy and quiet, but a hard worker. Trump mentions that Ivanka idolized Cheryl when she was growing up but wonders if Cheryl is strong enough to keep going in the way that obviously Victoria and Patricia could. Cheryl says dejectedly, "I don't know if I fit into this group." Trump says he respect Cheryl's honesty, so she's fired. As the ladies leave, Trump tells Victoria to focus or be fired. She tries to speak up for herself, and Trump's, like, "You didn't get fired. Why are you fighting? Get outta here!" In the car, Cheryl is a little weepy but admits the other women had "a toughness... that I don't have -- and don't ever want to have." Point, Cheryl.

By Lady Lola