Cowboy 7Up

S11E12

We're finally here, at the end of this crazy season. Did you ever think we'd end up with such a relatively sane final two as Marlee and John Rich? Okay, yes, we all probably could have predicted this from Week 1. Trump has some henchmen roll out a red carpet for him on the sidewalk of New York City. Ridiculous. He tells us that this season's Apprentice has raised more money than ever, and John Rich and Marlee Matlin are two of the hardest-working people he's ever had in his boardroom. The henchmen run out of carpet right as Trump arrives at the live finale, so he fires them. Then he says we'll see who's and he heads inside. Audience shots include George (!), Trace Adkins, Dee Snider. Trump sits down and reminds us of all of the fights of the season (mostly involving Nene), but says $3 million has been raised for charity this season. Applause. He says tens of millions has been raised over the course of all of the celebrity seasons. I don't have time to fact-check that, because now we're moving on to the previouslies.

Meat Loaf cries. Jose Canseco called Hatch a damn liar. Meat Loaf had a breakdown. Hatch called David Cassidy a little person. And now two remain: Oscar-winning actress Marlee Matlin and country superstar John Rich. They both raised a bunch of money on a fundraising task, and were matched up twice. Each won one of those, so this is the tiebreaker. Last week, they started their tasks to market 7Up: Rich has the '80s and Def Leppard (and brought in Twisted Sister's Dee Snider), and Marlee has the '70s and the Harlem Globetrotters (and she brought in Geoffrey Holder, the '70s voice of 7Up). They both hit obstacles (constructed for TV or otherwise) as last week's episode ended. Full "Money, money, money" credits for a live audience. Live-applause-o-meter spikes for Busey and Mark, then goes way up for Rich and again for Marlee. And Nene. Because live audiences love their batshit.

Team Marlee's still waiting to see if they can get Geoffrey Holder to come through. Marlee sits and continues to get primped and preened while Meat Loaf does all of the heavy lifting on the phone with Geoffrey Holder's lawyer. Meat Loaf tells the lawyer they're going to send a car to pick him up while the lawyer continues to try to figure out what Meat Loaf thinks is a totally standard contract. In other words, Meat Loaf thinks Geoffrey's lawyer basically sucks.

Team John Rich. Rich approves some pictures of himself holding 7Up. He tells us they have to do the entire commercial and photo shoot today. And he has to meet with Def Leppard, which he's worried about because of the terrible phone call with their tour manager last week. Lil Jon tries to get Rich to relax, but Rich says that's not happening. Though he interviews that it's important for his team to make this easier for him.

Back at Team Marlee, they wait for Geoffrey Holder, who ... shows up. Of course. La Toya tells him he looks fabulous, and he agrees. Marlee's happy and relieved. Geoffrey uses his best voice and delivers his 7Up lines. The ladies are totally smitten. It's sort of funny, though, that Marlee's obsessed with the guy who's all about voice when she can't hear. She must just like the look of his persona.

Team Rich. Star and Rich head to the Hudson Hotel to start working on the live performance for the night. Rich is going to meet with Def Leppard. He says they're giving him a bit of a headache, but he's their colleague and is more than prepared to do the show instead of them if they try to B.S. him.

Live boardroom. Trump takes the opportunity to congratulate Ivanka, who's expecting her first child and Don and his wife, Vanessa, who are expecting their third. (Ivanka's husband doesn't warrant a congratulations, I guess.) Then he sends us back to Rich, waiting for Def Leppard. He's still hoping they don't mess with him. They come in and it's all hugs and kisses and warm greetings. Rich fills Def Leppard in about St. Jude, which he hopes will connect them to what's going on here. He hopes they won't fight him on anything when they realize what they're doing this for. They all come to agreement that Rich will come out and sing "7Up is rockin' the country" while he stomps his foot, then Def Leppard will come out and tear it up. He thinks Def Leppard and their manager, Malvin, are all great now.

Team Marlee. It's the morning of the event, and Marlee's feeling a lot of pressure to make sure everything's in place. Hatch tells her what's up about designing the event space. He interviews that nothing's been planned so he has no idea if their space is going to look like a "barn ... or something that reflected our goals." It's all chaos as they wonder what to do with the balloons and the tables and other crap everywhere. La Toya says if they don't get this done, "John Rich is going to win this. Definitely. Without a doubt."

Back in the live audience, Trump welcomes back the few, the outspoken, the fired: David, Lisa, Niki, Mark, Hope, Lil Jon, La Toya, Star, Meat Loaf, Busey, and Nene. They saved the craziest for last, y'all. Trump starts with David Cassidy, since he fought with Hatch, who is now in prison. Again. Cassidy thinks Hatch "is in the right place at the right time. ... When you take the low road, where else would you end up?" Cassidy tells Trump he tried telling him to fire Hatch, but then he backtracks and says Trump did the right thing. Um, okay? Trump asks Lisa why she was gone so soon, and Lisa says to ask the audience. A couple people yell "Star," and Trump asks Star how she responds. She says that you need to bring your A game. He goes back to Lisa for a response, but she says she doesn't like to respond to that person. Trump informs her that someday they'll get along great. Again: Um, okay? We get a crazy Busey montage of sound effects (hissing, barking, whatever) to lead us into commercial.

More Busey when we come back. This time it's some of his crazy quotes. "Circles. Never. Die." "There's two things you never want to do: Pet a burning dog. And fry bacon naked." "I always give it all I've got, whatever I'm doing. Even if it's brushing my teeth, taking a shower, cracking a hard-boiled egg. (Makes a "click" sound). Successful!" And more of his kooky sounds. Trump asks Busey to settle this once and for all: "Are you crazy? Or crazy like a fox?" Busey thinks that's a good question, and then he goes on and on and on like a crazy man. He says he's trained to know whether people are lying by looking at their eyes. He starts back in about the Omaha Steaks challenge. So Trump cuts in and asks if Busey likes Meat Loaf, since they had a fight. Busey says he didn't have that fight. Trump asks Meat Loaf if he likes Busey, and they hug. Meat Loaf says Busey drove him a little crazy, but they go way back to when Busey played Buddy Holly. Meat Loaf says he relates to Busey because he's had his own share of head trauma. Trump asks Busey to go ahead, and he tries to go back to Omaha Steaks.

Trump cuts him off and goes on to Lil Jon. He says he was a star before, but he's a big star now and people love him. Trump tells him he's on smart guy, and asks how he feels about Busey. Lil Jon says Busey's great, especially now that he's had a break from him. He says that when you're shooting every day in a high-pressure situation, you get tired of Buseyisms, but he loves Buseyisms. And Busey even came and hung out with him in Vegas. Trump asks how he liked being on the show, and Lil Jon says he liked it, but he'd never do it again because it's too hard. But he's just kidding. Trump asks Busey if he loves Lil Jon, and Busey says he does, but then goes back to the Omaha Steaks story. Trump smiles and tries to stop him, but Busey says he's finishing this. He gets up and walks to Trump and shows him the Omaha Steaks kite. They took the terrible idea that got him fired, in other words, and are now packaging meat with a kite and selling it. (I took the time to fact-check this one, and he's not lying.)

Trump sends us back to Team John Rich, where Rich is putting the event space together. They've got lots of 7Up Retro signs and designs, including a giant can. Mark McGrath: "It's the most glorious display I've ever seen. Honestly, it was breathtaking. It really was. It was like staring at the Mona Lisa, but 7Up Retro cans." So ... not at all like staring at the Mona Lisa then? Rich points out that they've surrounded everyone in the room with 7Up, and now the balloons are coming. Star tells people where to put balloons, then tells us how great of an event planner she was. For example, she says, her marriage didn't go so well but the wedding sure was fabulous. Someone from the Melting Pot restaurant shows up and donates $25,000 to St. Jude. Rich knows it's not even a fundraising task, but he's trying to get to $1 million for St. Jude's. This brings him to about $725,000, so if he wins the $250,000, he gets awfully close.

Team Marlee. Hatch wonders what he's supposed to be doing; he really has no idea. The Globetrotters are coming soon, so Marlee's helping get the locker room ready and then is getting the event space ready. Hatch says she's actually stepping up and trying to be project manager, which is nice. They get their 7Up stuff put up around the room. It doesn't look as peppered with 7Up as Rich's space, though. It just looks very green and yellow. The Globetrotters show up, then, and Marlee tells them they have to win. The Globetrotters agree. Then Marlee, standing under a disco ball, fills La Toya in on how nervous she is as the event's about to start. Folks start showing up, and Meat Loaf -- who Marlee thinks is "Mr. '70s" -- greets everyone. Trump arrives with the executives from 7Up, and Marlee makes sure they are greeted properly and get their picture taken on the green carpet.

Presentation time. Marlee speaks about 7Up, tying it to the Starkey Hearing Foundation. Hatch, saying something nice for a change, says he was impressed with how flawless her presentation was. He thinks she's incredibly bright and competent. She presents their 7Up Retro commercial. Marlee dances around in disco, as Geoffrey Holder says some things from the '70s should stay in the '70s. Then Hatch is a disco guy, Meat Loaf is a trucker, and La Toya is a superhero. Then Meat Loaf is himself with a wig, and Geoffrey Holder shows up. The executives are clearly impressed by that bit. Marlee leads them all door to the gym for the Harlem Globetrotters. Meat Loaf says the only thing that can top the Globetrotters is a Beatles reunion. But they didn't do that because it would be too '60s, duh. Meat Loaf interviews that Trump made the right choice putting Marlee in the final, and his opinion is that she won, because he doesn't see how anyone could do better. When it's over, Marlee says that's it and she did great. She still feels like she's dreaming. She wants to be able to give her charity a check for $250,000 to tell them she worked her butt off for them, but it was worth it. She tells John Rich to watch out, because she is the Celebrity Apprentice.

Back at Team John Rich, everyone peps Rich up for his event. Then someone comes in and gives Rich $250,000 for St. Jude. He says he'll easily surge past $1 million now, since he intends to be the winner tonight. Mark and Lil Jon greet everyone with scarves to wave but then head backstage before Trump and the executives get there. No one heads up to greet them, which Trump and the 7Up exec find to be "interesting." Rich gives a much shorter intro speech, then shows their commercial. Terrible Axl Rose impersonator. Terrible Madonna impersonator. Dee Snider doing a terrible Twisted Sister impersonation, so John Rich gives him a 7Up Retro and he becomes Twisted Sister. It's a very awesome commercial. Then Rich asks everyone if they're ready for the main event. He starts singing and stomping his foot to introduce Def Leppard. He screams "Def Leppard!" But no one shows up. Backstage, Rich wonders where Def Leppard is. Apparently, it's only 6:45, and they won't go on until 7. Trump, in the audience: "Unbelievable."

John Rich is mad at himself for making his mistake, so he asks if he can plug in an acoustic guitar and play as an opener for Def Leppard. "I got myself a lemon. What do you do with lemons? You make lemonade! Pour everybody a big glass of it." He borrows someone's guitar pick and heads out to sing. He says he wrote a song for Trump that he doesn't have to sing for real since he made it to the finale. So he sings it now. It's begging Trump not to fire him. Then he sings another sing. Star swoons about what an impressive leader he is. Then Rich introduces Def Leppard again. "The only thing more exciting than introducing Def Leppard is introducing them twice." They come out and sing "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Backstage, Lil Jon tells Rich how proud he is of him "for real," for raising more than $1 million for those kids. "I love you brother." Jo(h)ns hug. Lil Jon interviews that they've been through thick and thin together, so for him to help him win this would mean everything to him. "And we are going to win." Def Leppard sings "Rock of Ages." Which makes Dee Snider's involvement (since he's in the Broadway show, Rock of Ages, seem a little bit too coincidental, don't you think? Rich says he can't know for sure if he won, but he knows there's no more money coming from donors. He says he did all he can for St. Jude's. Now all he can do is hope Trump and the executives think he did the best job and should win.

Trump meets with the executives. They say both teams exceeded expectations. They love Rich and Marlee. They loved both events. They liked that the campaign integrated perfectly with Marlee's charity. The negatives: Rich didn't greet them at the door, and there was a slip-up in terms of the time the concert was to start. As for the cans, they think one was good and one was phenomenal. They thought both commercials were great. Well, that was vague. Back in the live audience, the executives are holding up both cans. Trump says both cans are now available nationally.

Trump says that, like 7Up, Nene is a true original. Let's take a look. Nene calls La Toya Casper the Ghost. Then she yells at Star a bunch: "I will take you down. Now where's Barbara Walters?" "Shut the fuck up." The audience eats it up. Nene rolls her eyes a little bit at seeing herself being such a crazy woman. Trump asks Nene why she left them. She says she doesn't regret leaving, because it was what was best for her at the time. He asks if Star got under her skin. Nene: "Oh, she bothered me a lot." Trump says they've said some nasty thing about each other, but has she come to grips with it. Nene says she doesn't hold grudges, but she's honest and stands by everything she's said. Trump asks what Star thinks of Nene. Star says she appreciated being on the show, but she hated seeing Nene use it as a platform to attack all of the black women on the show. Nene starts to interrupt her as she talks, saying it wasn't a racial thing. Trump's like, "Here we go again." Trump turns to La Toya and says he'd like to ask her a question. She giggles. He says that Nene really went after her, but she seems to like her more than Star. Why? She says she truly believed that Star was using Nene as a mouthpiece, and manipulating everything that was going on. La Toya says that Nene has a really good heart deep down, and she forgave her. Trump agrees, and says Star's terrific, too. He thinks they'll someday go out to lunch and be best friends. Both ladies roll their eyes, and Star says, "When pigs fly." When did Trump get all soft? I guess it's having two more grandkids on the way. He's all happy and sappy.

Trump interviews Marlee's interpreter, Jack. He says he's truly a breakout star, and asks how Celebrity Apprentice has changed his life. Jack says people have even stopped him in the grocery store. Trump says he's going to be very famous, and Trump would like twenty-five percent. Of his fame? How does that work, exactly? Trump sends us back to the show.

Boardroom past. Rich and Marlee, plus their teams, line up back before Hatch went off to prison. Trump asks Rich how he did. He says he's very proud of his team, and he thinks he built a campaign that could sell $1 billion of 7Up Retro. He says he's sure both teams came with exciting ideas, but he thinks that it all comes down to one simple thought put forward, and he thinks theirs will sell immense product. Trump asks Marlee, who thinks she won because they completed their task, went all out, had class with everything. Trump says he thinks both teams did a great job, and the executives agreed. But, ultimately, he says, it's going to be his decision. He shares the cans and the packaging with the other teams. Trump asks Rich what he thinks. Rich says that, if these were album covers, theirs would win. Because it's all about walking into a store and seeing something that jumps off the shelf at you. He says theirs is nice, but it doesn't explode at you like theirs. Marlee says she likes their can, but she doesn't like that there's no phrase relating to the charity or words like "Refreshing." She says it's a little plain, but she likes it. La Toya says she's sorry to say it, but she loves Rich's can. Trump agrees. He says Rich's can was preferred, but that is just part of it.

So they move on to the events. Trump asks Marlee if she thinks she executed well. She thinks it was incredible, with the giant disco ball as the centerpiece, and with the Harlem Globetrotters. Meat Loaf says he stood at the door and introduced himself to everyone. Ivanka says the execution of the event was seamless. She also appreciated being greeted, as did the executives. Trump agrees, and says he wasn't greeted by anyone from Rich's team. Don says the executives weren't either. Trump asks why Def Leppard was so late, though he says that Rich did a good job improvising. Ivanka says it was a good thing he's a singer because he filled the space nicely. Trump asks him whose fault that was, and Rich says he'll take responsibility, because he's not going to blame Def Leppard, who he was lucky to have. Rich says that about $300,000 in donations came in right before then, and it rattled him. Marlee looks confused and says, "I'm confused. Was this a fundraising task?" Trump says no, but Rich did raise money. He says he can't give him credit for that, but maybe deep down inside, he does anyway. Rich says he's only here to raise money. Trump asks how much he raised last night. Rich says $275,000 came in. Marlee looks annoyed, but the audience cheers us into commercial.

After commercial, Trump says one group gave $250,000. Marlee says she could get that anytime, but it wasn't the task. Trump says she's right. Ivanka says she thinks the point is that he went above and beyond. Marlee says that's fine, but she would have done it too if he's going to look at it as a bonus. Trump says he's not giving a bonus for it, but it was a nice thing. Rich says he understood it wasn't a fundraising challenge, but he took the finale as a special opportunity to try to ask people if they wanted to give a final donation. He says he wasn't going to leave any card left in the shoe. Hatch says that he's worked with both Rich and Marlee, and she has just as much heart as Rich, which is a lot. Hatch says he doesn't have anywhere near that much heart, but Trump says Hatch has plenty of heart. Trump says they should feel proud to have made it this far, but also for being such a huge part of the show raising almost $3 million this season, which they've never done before. Trump tells the six teammates they've been fantastic, and sends them away. Rich and Marlee have to stay put.

Trump asks Marlee and Rich if they're ready for this. He says this is painful, and will be one very tough decision, but it's got to be done. Then we cut to the live show. Trump first introduces Marlee, who raised the most money ever on a single task: $1 million in one night. She hugs and kisses with all the fireds before taking her seat in front of Trump and the Trumplets. (Don is an incredibly loud clapper, by the way. Or someone needs to turn off his mike.) , Trump introduces Rich, a creative genius. He goes straight to the table and presents Trump with a cowboy hat. He puts it on, and actually looks much better with his hair covered.

Trump asks Marlee what it's been like to be on the show. She says this has been an amazing week, and she thanks her fans and family and everyone. Trump says she won the Academy Award, and now she's an even bigger star. Everyone claps, including Rich applauding her. Trump says they really like each other, don't they? Rich says she's great. Trump says they both are. Trump asks what Rich's week has been like. He says he thinks he's said "St. Jude" a thousand times in the past week, which has been great.

Trump asks Meat Loaf who he likes, since he got to know them both very well. Meat Loaf says he has stayed in touch with both of them, and he's playing with them. He asks Meat Loaf again and again to tell him who he likes, then he moves on. Nene likes them both. So does Busey. Star says he's asking an open-ended question, since they like them both. But she thinks Rich raising that extra $275,000 puts him over the top. Trump asks Lil Jon, who's like, "Do you really have to ask me that?" Because, you know, duh. Trump says he already knows, but Lil Jon hollers, "John Rich!" Trump asks La Toya, who says that John Rich "executed himself" (suicide?) so well, that she has to root for him. Interesting that even Marlee's team (La Toya) and longtime teammates (Star) are choosing Rich. David Cassidy chooses Marlee. Mark says, "Let me just say this. Marlee had the best week ever in the history of Celebrity Apprentice, but John Rich had the best season in the history of Celebrity Apprentice." Trump says it's all about charity, and since they'll be fighting for a quarter-million dollars, he asks if they're excited.

The screen above Trump shows Marlee going to Africa to help Starkey Hearing Foundation, which travels to these countries to provide the gift of hearing to children, primarily through the use of hearing aids. Marlee gets emotional watching kids hear for the first time and then speaking for the first time. She says it was a huge gift to get to see these kids. Marlee says it's important for her to win this show because "I deserve to win so I can help these kids." Trump says that's very beautiful, then sends us to yet another commercial.

Rich's charity video. He rides his tour bus up to the hospital to spend time with the kids. He meets with a family who has been in the hospital for a year, because their son has a brain tumor. Rich says he's been involved in St. Jude's hospital for more than fifteen years, but it's different now that he has a son. He says if anything happened to his son, he'd be driving 100 mph toward St. Jude. He spends time with a fourteen-year-old girl, who he says is inspiring (although we don't know why she's at St. Jude). Then Rich sings for all the kids and parents at the hospital. He gets teary toward the end of it, and says it was almost too much to be singing the story of the hospital to the people living it. It's a proud moment for him.

Ivanka introduces John Rich and Marlee Matlin, with the world premiere of For the Kids, which is the song he just sang. Rich sings, while Marlee dances a little and signs along. Some kids from New York School for the Deaf sign and dance along behind them. The chorus here isn't about either charity, but the verses are still about St. Jude. Although they did add a tag about helping kids hear music in their ears. So I guess that was how they made this about Marlee's charity, too (that and the kids from the deaf school). Instead of applause, they all shake their hands in the air. So does everyone in the audience. A note on the screen says that song's available on iTunes. Please wait here while I go download it. Or not.

Trump asks "My celebrities, my great great celebrities" who thinks Rich should win, and almost everyone raises their hands. He asks who thinks Marlee, and fewer people do (although some are the same people, including Lisa). Trump asks Marlee why he should choose her. She says she's a living example of what people can do, because people always said she couldn't be an actress, or win an Oscar, or continue after the Oscar. She says that she and Trump have something in common: "We never take no for an answer." He agrees. Have you noticed she makes this all about her, though, and not about the charity? She says she raised more in a day than anyone, and could have raised twice what Rich did if she'd known to try. Trump says that's true, and tells Rich that's tough competition.

Now it's Rich's turn. He says that St. Jude Children's Hospital literally saves the lives of thousands of kids. (It's nice that he started with that.) He says you have to look at the season as a body of work. He says that he exhausted everything, and he also raised more than $1 million. He points out a lot of what he did right, and says he was better than Marlee, as a body of work. Marlee disagrees (duh). Trump asks Don what he thinks, and he says that John Rich did just get Trump to wear a cowboy hat on national TV, something he never thought he'd see. Trump says Don's a wise guy. Don puts the kidding aside, and says Trump can't go wrong with either one because they're both amazing. Ivanka agrees, saying they've both done a terrific job and they've never had a closer Celebrity Apprentice finale. Trump agrees that they're both amazing, but there is a final piece of business and he does need to name one of them as the Celebrity Apprentice. After even more commercials.

Trump asks Marlee if she has anything else to say. She finally mentions her charity, and says that those deaf children will not hear any silence when she's Celebrity Apprentice. Rich's final statement: He didn't come here to hit a home run. He came to hit a grand slam. He wants to take that $250,000 back to Memphis, and he wants it really bad. Trump says he's had some tough decisions over the years, but this is his toughest one, because they've both been amazing. He tells Marlee she raised more than $1 million in a single night. (Fact-check: She raised less than $1 million, and he added enough to make up the difference.) Trump says the people love her, too, which he can see everywhere. He congratulates her on an amazing job. Trump tells Rich he's been strong and he's been sharp and he couldn't ask for anything more from him. He says he's going to do something a little different tonight. Then he announces that the winner of The Celebrity Apprentice 2011 is ... John Rich. Rich hangs his head, says "Wow," then breathes a deep sigh of relief. He stands up and hugs Marlee. By the time he's done, Lil Jon is by his side ready to give him his hug. It turns out Trump's the loud clapper. Trump says goodnight to us, leaving everyone wondering what exactly it is that he said he'd do a little different this time. I guess we'll never know.

DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, is happy with a third Celebrity Apprentice winner in a row, and is a little frightened to agree that often with Trump. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.