Previously: Eighteen "celebrities" convened to sell sandwiches (and their souls, if necessary) in the hopes that a bombastic blowhard with a duck 'do would approve of them. And also to give some money to charity. Long story short, despite Cheryl Tiegs' creativity with tofu and cranberry spread, the pace of this competition proved too much for the '70s swimsuit supermodel.
We rejoin the remaining contestant as they await the Boardroom Bettys (Cheryl, Victoria Gotti, and Patricia Velásquez). They easily reach the consensus that Cheryl is a goner, but that doesn't stop Lisa Lampanelli from voicing her annoyance with Victoria for making personal calls during the task. The bile has barely exited her mouth when Victoria and Patricia return. Victoria walks in as only a mob princess can, telling everyone, "It's on! You all bettah watch out!" Lisa prays that Victoria won't kill her in her sleep. Tia Carrere says she hopes Victoria isn't upset with her, and Victoria does everything she can not to utter the phrase "cement boots," but you know she's thinking it. She interviews, "Women will turn on you like a jackrabbit." (Is that a saying?) And says, "Bring it on. I'm ready." Credits.
The day, Unanimous winning Project Manager Paul Teutul, Sr. heads to the Central Park Zoo to deliver the money he won ($484,082) to Gabriel, a kid with Leukemia who is part of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
A bit later, the teams meet up with Trump, Don Jr., and... James Lipton (?) to learn this week's task -- to create a 12- to 15-minute show for Medieval Times. When Trump introduces Lipton, he says, "I've wanted to be on his show for years." So you're admitting your life is a charade, Trump? Or do you honestly think your one-line parts in Sex and the City and Zoolander make you qualified? (The answer, of course, is probably yes. Because they may have only been walk-ons, but they were the most successful, tremendous walk-ons in all of walk-on history!) Lipton explains that he has been tapped as an advisor on this task because he -- like George Clooney, Jude Law, and Kylie Minogue -- is a Chevalier of the Ordre des Arts et des Lettres, translation: an honest-to-goodness knight. Lipton points to a suit of armor behind him and claims it's his, then challenges the Apprenti to a joust. Dee Snider is the first to call bullshit that Lipton is fitting into a suit of armor.
Back to the task at hand, Don Jr. explains that the audience will vote to determine the winner. The PMs are decided quickly and easily: Penn Jillette for Unanimous and Lisa for Forte. Trump doesn't let the moment pass without telling former Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza that her team could win the task by riding nude through the ring à la Lady Godiva. Lisa quips, "I will threaten to ride nude! It'll work!" In an interview, she snarks about Trump being a perv and Dayana being a doe-eyed innocent. Before the teams break, Trump explains that Adam can't participate in the task because he has a hosting gig. It actually helps the ladies by evening things out, though he does not mention that. He does says that the winning team will get $40,000 for the charity of its PM.
Forte. The ladies split up into two vans and caucus over conference call. Things immediately get sticky when Lisa thinks Debbie Gibson's go-getter spirit is her interrupting. She lays down the law that no one can cut her off. So Debbie apologizes -- by interrupting her. Oof! They are literally about five minutes into the task, and already Lisa is rubbing people the wrong way. Real Housewives of New Jersey star Teresa Giudice, however, digs Lisa's Real Housewives of Camelot. That wacky idea steers things back to smoother waters, especially when Lisa volunteers to dress up as Trump, a.k.a. the "Knight" they're all fighting over. Lisa issues her rallying cry: "We'll kick those freakin' firebreathing assholes in the guts!" And break!
Both teams meet with Medieval Times' Creative Director, who tells them they'll have all the help they need choreographing and organizing their presentation. The keys to their shows' success will be action and excitement. Dayana notes that the show must also be family-oriented, and Lisa takes it as a personal challenge because she's famed for vulgarity in her act. As the ladies clarify their "Unreal Housewives of Camelot" concept, Debbie dubiously notes that Aubrey O'Day has appointed herself Lisa's second-in-command. Aubrey wants to go with Trump's naked-Dayana idea, only Dayana will have on a nude bodysuit, so it's not totally X-rated. Dayana is clearly uncomfortable with the idea, but she agrees to do it because that's what her PM wants. Tia also gets a sexpot role, while Lisa thinks Victoria will be well-suited as Creative Director because she's a hard-ass and will be able to deal with the (ahem, union) tech guys. Though she packages it as "the most important role on the task," Victoria feels like she's left out because she doesn't get to dress up like a pretty, pretty princess.
Meanwhile, Unanimous is working on a love triangle concept. Lou Ferrigno and Paul will be the paramours to Dee in drag (a.k.a. Dee Snider from all of the '80s). Penn makes some semi-dismissive comments about Arsenio Hall's "kind, generous nature," and I begin to wonder if Arsenio is getting the loser edit.
The ladies report to the costume room, and Lisa's pet peeve about interrupting once again rears its head. She chastises the ladies for acting immature by interrupting her, but honestly she's the one having the tantrum. Patricia calls her a tyrant.
Back to Unanimous. The guys are spit-balling when Sir Lippy Lipton himself hobbles over. The guys update him on their crossdress-stravaganza. Lipton worries their attempts at humor could fall flat.
Forte. Teresa is learning the craft of acting from Tia "The Meryl Streep of Wayne's World" Carrere. Basically, they've added swords to the weave-pulling fight between Teresa and Daniel in late Season 2. Teresa claims she doesn't need to learn lines on her show (uh huh...), so this is a challenge. Then again, the lines in question include such gems as "Bring it on, wench!" so I'd say she's safe. Oh yes, and there will also be yanking of chicken cutlets out of dresses. So, get excited...?
Across the room, Don Jr. stops by. Lisa wonders if Trump will be offended that she's impersonating him. Don Jr. seems slightly uncomfortable with it but reminds Lisa that the audience decides the winner and tells her to barrel forward. He interviews that their plan is to capitalize on the Real Housewives of New Jersey in New Jersey should work -- as long as they bring enough action. During their conversation, Lisa also lets it slip that there is tension between Victoria and her, so expect that to resurface come boardroom time.
The guys meet with the stunt coordinator, and it becomes clear that Lou is both an asset and a detriment. He latches onto the hyper-masculine sword-fighting, which not only scares Paul, but results in Lou developing tunnel vision. Clay Aiken notes that there's a lot more involved in the task than just stunts and swords. The others realize their time is being wasted, but they have difficulty pulling Lou out of his zone.
Meanwhile, the ladies are also fighting -- with swords and words. Victoria continues to be sour grapes about her assignment and basically refuses to learn anything having to do with stage directions, lighting, etc. Lisa decides to stop wasting everyone's time and shuffles the deck, which means Victoria can learn about sword fighting. Which she does while wearing a Louis Vuitton messenger bag. Lisa wastes no time snarking about how this clearly shows Victoria's not in the game if she can't even be bothered to take off her purse. A bit later, Lisa also has a field day when Victoria says "mid-evil" instead of Medieval, despite the fact that there is a pad of Medieval Times stationery right in front of her. She accuses Victoria of wasting everyone's time (in an interview of course, not to her face).
The morning, Victoria is still perturbed that she's being sidelined. She says she called Lisa to propose asking Trump to put her on the men's team. She thinks the guys will acknowledge and appreciate her. Two things: 1.) Victoria, if you think the women are tough to be around, you have no idea. That said, 2.) Can we make this happen? Maybe the guys will trade George Takei. I feel like he would be glorious on Team Forte. And maybe he would get more screen time to be awesome because obviously he's getting overshadowed on Unanimous. Alas, that is only but a dream in my head. Lisa decides to smooth over Victoria's insubordination by treating her as she wants to be treated -- like a man. She tells all sorts of things about how important she will be, yadda yadda. She's pandering because Victoria is a spoiled child.
Elsewhere, the guys arrive on-scene to find Paul's "Medieval" motorcycle. They are sure it's going to be a huge hit, almost as big a hit as George's costume, which Clay explains: "He wore that costume like a five-year-old with a Halloween costume he didn't ever want to take off." Indeed, George has spring in his step as he parades around the place in his finery. He insists he's just taking advantage of dress rehearsal time and getting used to his costume, insisting that everyone should be dressed up, too. But really, he just loves him some golden robes. He does note that Dee could run into trouble when needs to ride side-saddle later in the day. We'll see...
Forte tech rehearsal. Surprise, surprise! Victoria sucks. Lisa grows frustrated, as does Dayana, who feels like Aubrey is pushy and that her teammates only want her to be a pretty face. That, she vows, is what she will do.
Team Unanimous goes into its dress rehearsal (but not before some gratuitous rough-housing from Lou and Clay (fanfic writers start typing!). Lou says he feels very confident, but Clay isn't sure George is going to be able to execute the lines that signal the lighting cues. Soon enough, there are bigger fish to fry because Dee falls of his horse and breaks his finger.
As the audience pours in, Dee refuses to seek medical treatment because, as they say, the show must go on. And so it does. Penn and Arsenio do their respective fire-eating and "Hound" (a.k.a. dog) pounding. George nails his lines, the two suitors emerge, followed by "Lady Dee Dee" and "her trust troubadour" Clay, who the crowd really digs. The suitors clack their swords, Lou emerges victorious, and then he realizes that his prize is a homely 56-year-old former hair metal artiste. He plunges the sword deep into his belly to avoid having to kiss "Lady Dee Dee." Everybody cheers! Yay olden days suicide! Sheesh.
Now for the ladies! Dayana rides out on her trusty steed, in her awkwardly nude body suit. Lisa waits for the cue of a trump, and she waits... and waits... yep, Victoria missed her cue. So Lisa powers on. As do the saber-wielding sweeties, especially Debbie and Tia, who end up flashing the kid-filled audience. Whoops! There's basically no plot as far as I can tell, and this thing is basically one orgy away from being a third-tier porn. Though, credit to Teresa, who not only gets to ask, "Is wench better [than honey]?" but also gets to flip a table. Love it. The show winds down and just when you think ol' Trump is going to end up alone, Aubrey comes out as a Snooki character (and falls really hard off her horse, which I'm pretty sure was not on purpose). Lisa insists, "We played to Jersey." She thinks they did their best but knows it's all down to the crowd response.
With that, it's boardroom time! Lisa begins to explain the concept to Trump, but he's all, "What about boobies?" Lisa says Dayana provided the T&A, though Don Jr. doesn't waste a chance to snark, "Tia wasn't afraid to shake it a little bit when she came in on the horse." Heh. Trump asks Lisa if she thinks her team won. She says they're confident but not cocky and that she doesn't underestimate Unanimous because last week "who woulda thought Paul would have a friend with 300 grand -- he can't even afford shirtsleeves." Trump turns to Victoria, who calls Lisa "strict" and reluctantly classifies Lisa as a good leader. Don Jr. wonders where the tension arose. Victoria defers to Lisa, who acknowledges Victoria probably felt pushed aside when she didn't get a performing role. Victoria insists that she and Lisa have worked out their differences (lie) and basically tells Trump to move on. So he does, to Teresa, and he's basically like, "Wow, you're a lot less of a psychopath than I thought!"
Lipton interjects to tell the Apprenti that he was surprised by their commitment and professionalism. They all clap, except Arsenio, who responds by doing the Dog Pound bark. Consummate professionalism, people!
On to the men. Dee has learned that he severely fractured his finger when Clay's tambourine freaked out the horse. Otherwise, it was a solid team performance, especially from Penn, whom Paul characterizes as a "phenomenal" PM. Lou agrees, and George anachronistically deems him "a Renaissance man." Seeing that he's going to have cut through the Week 2 rah-rah vibe, Trump asks Penn who he will bring back if they lose. Penn names Lou and George, citing their lack of versatility. Lou gets especially angry (you wouldn't like him when he's angry), and I fear that there are about to be some three-piece-suit shreds on the floor in a minute. Lou accuses Penn of being on a power trip and says he (and George, for that matter) can work twice as hard as Penn if given the chance, even if they don't have the pre-existing business know-how. Penn plays the diplomat, saying it wasn't a great choice to make in the first place but refusing to take back his picks. Lou admits he's upset with Penn, but Penn thinks Unanimous will win and hopes Lou will forgive him and move forward with him if that's the case.
At the end of the conversation, Penn references Lou's acting career, and Trump's all, "Yeah, The Incredible Hunk." Don Jr. cannot resist calling his dad out for this "Freudian slip," and everyone has a hearty laugh at old quack-quack coiffure. Cheers to Don Jr. for not letting his old man slide. If he didn't have that greaseball hair (and a wife and kids), he might start to blip on my radar. Alas!
Trump moves to George, who is much more forgiving. He says he has deep respect for Penn and doesn't think his picks will matter anyway because he's sure his team won. Penn insists neither Lou nor George did anything wrong, but it's clear Lou is still steaming. Trump asks Arsenio who he'd fire if Unanimous were to lose. Arsenio playfully calls out "Spielberg with a ponytail," a.k.a. Penn, because he created and ran the show. Trump stirs the pot asking, "What about the guy that fell off the horse?" Trump basically says it's funny to kick people when they're down. HA! HA! HA! Business! Yuck.
Back to Forte. Who will Lisa call back if her team loses? Lisa says Victoria's emotions got in the way of her value to the team. There's a disagreement over whether Victoria refused to do the job Lisa assigned her, and Aubrey nods her head in agreement with Lisa. Trump turns to Aubrey but can barely even get a sentence out before reflexively noting, "You look very good tonight." He catches himself: "Is that sexist?" Penn: "I think, by definition, yes." Ha! Trump's basically, like, "Well... whatever, it's true." And Aubrey's all, "Yay sexism! Please call me pretty, mister!" Back to Lisa, who sticks by her guns. She says it's not her job to coddle Victoria and pander to her emotional insecurities -- "Don't expect me to be your mother." Even Trump has to admit that was tough.
So who else would Lisa bring back to the boardroom? Dayana. She thinks Dayana doesn't have the "skill set" to be an overall asset to the group. Dayana insists no one (i.e. Lisa) would listen to her opinions and she "was just told to be pretty on a horse." Patricia chips in to say that, if they lose, it will be because of the concept, which she pins on Lisa and Aubrey. Lisa takes full credit for the concept, though Aubrey notes that everyone agreed to it immediately. Dayana and Victoria strongly disagree. Victoria says Aubrey actually ended up taking on the Creative Director role, and Trump looks over at Aubrey, who is holding hands with Teresa. He asks why, but instead of explaining, she just starts nattering about how mean and two-faced people are on reality TV. Blah, blah, blah...
Trump's all, "But I haven't even announced the winner yet!" Sir Lippy delivers the feedback for Unanimous. He appreciated their energy, particularly Arsenio's, and played to their individual strengths. They received 558 votes. Don Jr. reports that the audience liked the Housewives shout-outs, especially the table-flipping, and thought the ladies looked hot. But how many votes did they receive? Says Don, 363. Ouch! That's like a mace to the face. The $40,000 will go to Penn's charity, Opportunity Village. The guys head upstairs, where Lou is still being a total baby about Penn hypothetically calling him back to the boardroom. Most everyone is, like, "Stop being such a drama queen about it," but Penn is genuinely concerned about burning bridges. They appear to squash their beef in time for...
...the ladies to battle it out in boardroom! Lisa insists her concept was strong and that sometimes the odds aren't in your favor. Don Jr. thinks their chick-fight narrative wasn't universally appealing to the women and kids in the crowd. Dayana actually claps at hearing this. She says she tried to express the perspective repeatedly and was ignored. Victoria agrees. Trump is boggled by the fact that people weren't blown away at seeing nude-illusion Dayana, but he can't argue with the outcome.
Tia admits she's flustered because she thought everyone did a great job. Lisa begs to differ and brings up Victoria's missed cue at the beginning of the show. Victoria passionately defends herself -- a little too passionately if you ask me because she nearly starts to cry. If you're trying to prove that you don't let emotions get in the way of work, then you just failed. As she composes herself, Debbie chimes in, saying she thought Lisa was overwhelmed and Aubrey was overeager. Aubrey of course gets defensive, and Trump sees that this line of discussion is going to the weeds, so he focuses in and asks who Debbie thinks should be fired. When Debbie doesn't immediately rattle off a name, Trump turns back to Victoria, saying he's surprised that she teared up: "You do have a heart!" She says she takes the criticism hard because she showed up yesterday with a great attitude. You mean after you threatened to quit the team? Lisa says that was yesterday. On day one, she was useless. She acknowledges that Victoria's screw-ups weren't the only reason the team lost, but they were screw-ups nonetheless.
Upstairs, the guys have a grand old time giving voice to James Lipton's inner monologue. It may be the best part of the episode. I could watch several minutes of this -- especially if it meant I didn't have to endure more cat-scratching, hen-pecking, and various other misogynist caricatures to which the women are relenting.
Back the boardroom, where Lisa admits her leadership style isn't for everyone. Case in point, she continues to burn all her bridges by insulting Patricia's control over the group and basically calling all her teammates squealing incompetents in regard to the costume fitting. Aubrey is the only person who sticks up for Lisa, but she inadvertently uses the phrase "lack of organization," which Trump immediately links back to Lisa. Patricia defends her own (failing) leadership style last week, and essentially says Lisa didn't give the teammates sufficient tasks. Don Jr. insists that everyone seemed to have pretty clear tasks when he visited, but Patricia says that wasn't the case. When Trump asks, though, Patricia actually says she would fire Victoria. Trump actually shakes his head because he was expecting her to say Lisa. Patricia explains that Victoria was inconsistent and should have been more of a team player from day one.
Trump asks Aubrey , who foolishly doesn't jump on the obvious bandwagon and name-checks Dayana. In the Winners Suite, Clay blames Aubrey's misstep on her insecurity. Arsenio asks, "Are you saying Dayana's prettier than Aubrey." Clay: "I'm saying Victoria is prettier than Aubrey." Men: "Ohhhhhhh!"
Back in the boardroom, who would Dayana fire? Lisa, obvs. With that, Lisa has to pick two people to bring back. Clearly it's Victoria and Dayana. The ladies head out to the waiting area for a passive-aggressive-off between Lisa and Victoria. Well, it's passive for a little while. Eventually Lisa gets tired of Victoria's third-person yammering and tells her she should have checked her ego at the door and tells her, "Enjoy the delusion of your life." Inside, Don Jr. acknowledges he doesn't appreciate that Victoria effectively quit because she didn't like the job Lisa gave her but also questions Dayana being up for firing at all. Trump calls the ladies in.
Trump asks Lisa why she brought Victoria back. Lisa cites Victoria's refusal to take her assignment and her threat to quit the team. Victoria insists that's not how it went down. ("Lies" might be a better word for it.) As much as Victoria claims she wasn't guilty of any sort of insurrection, her continual insistence that Lisa was putting her "in a closet" (uh, it's called a sound booth, hussy) clearly demonstrates that she was in fact questioning and, in fact, resisting Lisa's authority. Lisa kind of loses me when she calls out Victoria for not knowing how to spell Medieval. In this moment, Lisa is guilty of exactly what she said was Victoria's fatal flaw -- letting emotion override good sense. The spelling thing just seems below-the-belt. I know Lisa has basically made a career of calling people stupid, but this is not the time or place. To wit, Trump notes, "But you didn't lose for that reason?" Lisa saves herself a little by explaining that Victoria's claim she was "underutilized" stemmed directly from her own incompetence.
It's a fair point, but Lisa seems to have gone beyond the brink. In defending her decision not to be creative director, she actually gets emotional and starts to choke up. She fights through the breakdown, insisting they didn't lose the task because it was too fem-centric but because her teammates, specifically Victoria, weren't on board with her. It's worth noting that, while all this chaos goes down, Dayana has been sitting there silently, rolling her eyes and smiling uncomfortably, like, "What have I gotten myself into?!" As Lisa continues to spin out, it becomes clear that she feels she has taken the undercurrent about her being bossy to heart and is coming from her own headspace after having to fight for a career in a male-dominated industry. She acknowledges that she's getting emotional, then pulls herself together to say that, if she had been the cause of the problem she would "literally have fallen on the sword like they did in Medieval times." That said, she firmly believes she is not the problem.
Trump asks Dayana what happened. Trump barely gets a word out before Victoria and Lisa are squabbling again. Victoria insists she didn't refuse to do her task, nor did she threaten to jump ship. Even Don Jr. has lost patience for her. He notes that he's gotten the same story (a story that doesn't corroborate what she's saying) from five other teammates, so what gives? Speaking of "What gives?" Trump turns to Sir Lippy, who spells out the word "passion," and is all, "Chew on that." It's total nonsense, but at least it quieted the banshees for a brief, glorious moment.
Trump gets a befuddled look on his face, and Lisa has to explain what Lipton just said. She tells Trump, "I will fight to the death to stay here." Victoria agrees lamely, "So will I." Trump asks Lipton what he would do. Here we go again... Lippy blathers for a little bit but Don Jr. jumps in and expresses his reservations that Lisa put Dayana in a position of jeopardy when all Dayana did was complete the task she was given. Lisa will cede this point, save to say that Dayana could have been more proactive. They quibble over this point, but it doesn't go anywhere.
Trump moves along the conversation, asking Dayana which of these two teammates has more potential. Dayana must admit that Lisa has made a stronger showing and has more energy. Trump doesn't dilly dally any longer. Victoria, you can't quit -- because you're fired! Victoria heads out to the Losers Limo and says ominously that Lisa "may have succeeded now, but it will come back to haunt her." Like with a horse head in her bed?
week: A "living window" fashion display challenge for Ivanka's fashion line sends the Apprenti scrambling, and Dee's broken finger worsens.
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