By DeAnn Welker
Previously: Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Niki was a quitter. Which leaves us with the guys bickering about their task last week. Because, even though they won, they all think it went pretty horribly with Busey in charge. Mark McGrath interviews that their win was a miracle, and had nothing to do with Busey. John Rich asks the guys to pretend they're all having fun and laughing when the women come in. Star tells the guys how classy Niki was for leaving (you say "classy," I say "quitter"), and it takes Busey twenty minutes to figure out what "classy" means. The women can't believe they lost to Busey & Co. Star says their morale is low, but they're going to regroup and win. Because this isn't fun, this is business. "Money, money, money..." Extended version, now with even more Busey choppers.
Busey gets to present $40,000 ($20K from Trump, $20K from Camping World) to his charity, Center for Head Injury Services. He wants to give back to them, since they saved his life. , the teams line up before Trump, the Trumplets, and Greg and Mike of a company called ACN. Busey tells Trump that this win with Backbone is equal to his Oscar win and his Golden Globe win (as if those are equal?). Their task is to create a thirty-second commercial showcasing ACN's new videophone and then to present the commercial to 450 of ACN's independent representatives, who will judge them on creativity/originality, brand messaging, and incorporating the videophone. Trump repeats this very clear message in case the teams didn't understand it. Don and Ivanka will be his eyes and ears, so now he wants to know who will be project managers: Nene steps up for ASAP because "When I make my mind up to do something, I just do it"; and Lil Jon steps up for Backbone, since he's been in commercials and directed many videos. Trump makes Nene and Lil Jon shake hands, and she gives him a kiss on the cheek. Meat Loaf says he saw Nene on TV and was afraid to meet her. Trump tells them that ACN will contribute $20,000 on top of the $20,000 Trump will give to the winner's charity. And, so we at home have something to look forward to, he reminds us that someone will be fired. Yay!
ASAP war room. ACN's videophone is already sitting there looking giant and clunky. Is it just me, or were you imagining an iPhone-style cell phone? Well, that's not this. Dionne has the idea to use her celebrity in the commercial. She'll be in the recording studio and her engineer will be somewhere else watching her on the videophone. Nene loves it, so does everyone else. Done! Backbone's meeting with the ACN executives to figure out what they should do. Lil Jon asks them what their demographic is, but they tell him not to get hung up on details. He thinks they're a little conservative, though. Then Jose asks them if they can go beyond this planet to communicating with aliens. Alien music plays as the guys look baffled, and then tell him they won't be the judges; their 450 leaders will. Then the execs meet with ASAP, who notices their use of the word "emotion" over and over again. After the executives leave, the ladies realize they have to change the concept to make it something about an emotional connection. They all agree. So ... not done.
Backbone. Lil Jon wants to be hip if his name's going to be on this. Meat Loaf suggests that to make it emotional and funny, they have a grandma call little Johnny and he's with a girl. Lil Jon takes it a step further to him wanting to introduce someone, and it's a dude. Everyone thinks it's a pretty fun, snappy ending. Lil Jon thinks it's funny, crazy, viral. But, you know, he's the one who just said the ACN guys are pretty conservative, so maybe he should rethink this? John Rich tries to bring up the point that they might think it's funny but they won't want to use this as their universal pitch. He interviews that the ACN guys drilled "emotion" into their heads, so this is a big gamble. "Lil Jon's a gambler."
ASAP. Marlee suggests having a deaf mother trying to call her daughter, who's in Paris, and they use the videophone to sign to each other. They all agree this will tug at the heart. Dionne says Nene's really good at delegating and is an excellent project manager. Which is not easy with this crew. Hope doesn't want to do graphics, for instance, and La Toya claims she can't see because she's had Lasik surgery. So Nene ask her to keep the time. Marlee, Nene, Star, and La Toya head out to casting. Dionne and Hope head to the prop house.
Backbone. Hatch and Mark are going to the prop and furniture house. They realize their gay theme could go good. Or not. And Mark's concerned about Busey being the grandpa, because it will be hard to rein in his crazy. The rest of Backbone is at casting, where they'll write, direct, and shoot the video. Lil Jon and Meat Loaf are working together to set up and direct the video, but Busey keeps interrupting, in character. He's totally Method. Meat Loaf and Lil Jon are losing their patience, especially Meat Loaf, who tells us that Busey has no consideration for other people's space. Cut to Lil Jon and Meat Loaf trying to talk as Busey runs up and touches both of them to ask a totally pointless question. Lil Jon says Busey can get distracting, but with people like him you have to learn to listen but not let them take you away from what you're doing. They have a bit of a spat, though I'm not sure Busey gets that they're arguing.
ASAP arrives at the studio to audition their supplemental actors. Nene's the video director and Marlee's assistant director. Marlee's stressed out that Hope and Dionne aren't there with props yet, because lighting can't set up until the furniture is here. The lighting guys ask what's up, and Marlee promises them Dionne and Hope are almost here. Cut to slow, slow, slow Hope and Dionne just shopping around, having fun. Nene calls Hope, who tells her they're about to leave the prop house. La Toya, whose job is to keep the time, is worried that they're running against the clock. Nene tells Marlee and Star that no one else on this team has any skills, so they're the only two people she can count on. Marlee and Star agree completely, even later in their interviews.
Backbone. Jose's getting dolled up to be the gay boyfriend of Busey's grandson. Hatch has to let them know what it looks like to be gay because he's the only gay guy. Hatch is sort of in love with Jose all gayed up, which is hilarious considering how much they hated each other in Week One. When the props arrive, Lil Jon hates the purple couch that Mark and Hatch brought back for the grandpa, because no grandma in the world would have a purple couch. Mark thinks it's pink, and his grandma has a pink couch. Anyway, too late, and WHO CARES? ASAP's prop crew finally arrives back, too, and Dionne gets all pissy when Marlee wants to help her put the props in place. What's weird about Dionne, though, is that she yells at Marlee's interpreter, Jack, instead of at Marlee. Nene interviews about how feisty and bitchy Dionne is.
Backbone's filming. It is actually a pretty funny video, because the grandson is like, "Hey, wanna meet my fiancee?" and then Jose comes in, all gayed up, and he's like, "Hola!" Jose tells us that his Twitter and Facebook are going to blow up, and his dad's going to kill him if he sees this. ASAP's filming, too. Nene's loving being a director. She says her favorite part is "Quiet on the set." Ironic. The actors in this commercial are a little cheesy, and they have to keep cutting when the French "host mom" Dionne comes in and says "Bonjour." They all wonder what time it is, and La Toya looks at her phone but can't figure out the time. Nene tells us how worthless La Toya is. She's sweet, says Nene, but can't figure out one plus one, let alone tell team. La Toya, on the other hand, wishes she had been given more responsibility because the women underestimate her. When Marlee comes on to the commercial, it actually does get pretty emotional when she signs to her daughter she loves her and misses her. Star says it was an opportunity to use one of their big, talented stars and then she raves about how awesome Marlee is. I can't disagree with that. The verdict is still out, but she's possibly my favorite contestant this season.
Backbone's filming their commercial when Ivanka shows up to observe. She asks what the punch line is, but Lil Jon doesn't want her to know. She says she respects that, but wants to make sure there's no male frontal nudity. She says later that it's a first for them not to tell her the punch line, but she realizes they're going for shock value. She says it's going to depend on whether ACN wants to stick with their usual emotional commercial or whether they want a surprise. Busey continues filming, and Meat Loaf cuts to tell him to really enunciate "A.C.N." Busey asks him if his timing was right, and then tells us that he's been doing this for forty years so he knows what he's doing. "What you see is what you get, but there's a lot of surprises in what you get when you take me." Busey accidentally does get a little male frontal nudity on camera since he's only wearing a bathrobe. He asks the actor playing the grandma if she saw "Big Wednesday," which he says is what his fiancee calls his "apparatus." Lil Jon and Mark, behind the camera, are shaking their heads. Because how can you not?
ASAP. They're on their way to editing, which has to be done by 10. Everyone wants to know what they're doing, even though Marlee and Nene are in charge. Dionne wants to go home, but Nene says it's a team effort. Dionne goes home to bed, because she feels she's the matriarch of the group and needs to lay down. Nene says she's not her babysitter, but if everyone else is sticking it out, so should she. "Nobody cares about her being a legend."
Backbone's also in the editing room. Meat Loaf loves it, but Lil Jon laughs, "We are some damn fools!" He realizes this is going to go over big and destroy the girls or go very badly. And he hopes he doesn't get fired. Don shows up to observe the ladies in the editing room. He picks up Star's dog, and wonders where Dionne is. Nene says she left, and he wonders if it was something for the task or she just left. Nene says she just decided to leave. Don says he saw a lot of cohesion in the team, except Dionne. But he also thinks that letting Dionne slide doesn't reflect well upon Nene's management style. Nene fills them in on who did what: Star was technical, Marlee and Nene were director and assistant director, La Toya was supposed to keep time but couldn't (which La Toya thinks was unfair, since she did keep up with the time; she thinks that was a low blow).
morning, ASAP's in the van on the way to the Millennium Hotel to present their commercial. Dionne doesn't think she missed anything by going home instead of editing. Backbone shows up, too. Lil Jon says they're going to bring energy and make this fun. Meat Loaf asks Lil Jon his presentation bullet points, and he says he's got it but doesn't give them any bullet points. He says this is hip, cool, and 2011. He wants to make them feel like if they don't like this video, they're some "square-ass BLEEPS." (I'm not sure what he wants to make them feel like.) ASAP. Star says that Nene wanted her to do the presentation, but she suggested Nene take some of it on, since she's the project manager. Nene starts to rehearse the presentation, but Star tells her she's being too sexy. There's some debate because Nene says sexy is one thing she's not. Then she interviews, "Who are you? WHO are you? I'm not waking up every morning, thinking like, 'Star was on The View. Oh, it's such a pleasure to work with her." I don't give a damn what show you've been on. At the end of the day, I could really give a fuck." (Yes, it was bleeped, but I understood this one.) You've really gotta love Nene for not being the least bit star-struck or deferential to these other people who are, for good or ill, more famous than she is.
An hour and seven minutes in to the episode, and it's finally almost presentation time. But first, Trump has to arrive to a drum roll and applause, as if he's the king of freaking England. WTF? Nene introduces her team, ACN, and Star, whose presentation is solid although not super engaging. But they're not judging them on presentation. They show the commercial. Girl in Paris talks to dad, introduces "host mother" Dionne. Mom Marlee comes in and says hello in sign language. When the commercial's over, everyone claps. Except Trump. He pays people to clap for him. Star thinks they knocked it out of the park.
Backbone's turn. Jose thinks their commercial is terrific, but pushed it to the extreme, so it could be one of the biggest blunders in ACN history. Lil Jon comes out and gets people all excited, yelling "ACN!" Then he makes a joke about drinking shots with the executives. And, finally, tells them how cool this commercial is -- that it's the Super Bowl commercial of ACN commercials. Busey unwraps the videophone from their grandson, Tommy. Then he and his wife call up Tommy, who introduces his fiancee, Pablo. The room dies laughing, and everyone claps, even Trump. The teams leave, and the room gets to vote using an electronic dial. Lil Jon feels that they left them with a high that the girls team didn't leave them with.
Trump meets with the ACN executives, Greg and Mike, who say the men did a phenomenal job, mentioning the word viral and getting people really engaged and interested. The women took the task to heart, with strong emotional appeal. The execs say that the 450 ACN leaders were devastated that someone had to lose, but the winners is...
Boardroom time. Trump shows up and tells them that both teams did a really great job. He tells Lil Jon what a great stage presence he has. Lil Jon says that's what he does every weekend. Trump asks Hatch what he thinks, and Hatch says he feels they won, because they all felt that it came together. Trump asks how Lil Jon is as a leader, and Hatch says he's the best. He manages beautifully, brilliantly, tasks people, and organizes. Trump asks if Hatch would say that their subject matter is a little risqué, but Hatch thinks it was timely, modern, hip, and memorable. Trump asks Hatch if he thinks they could have lost for being too risky. Hatch doesn't think that. Trump asks if anyone thinks it was too risqué. Lil Jon says he thought about it, but he's been in business many years and he notices that the people who succeed are the people who take chances. He says ACN's commercials are all the same, and they came here to get something new. Lil Jon says he knew he was taking a chance with this.
Trump asks Jose how he felt playing the role of the gay man in the commercial, since he's not gay. Jose says he was so nervous that in the first take, he flubbed his one line -- "Hola!" -- by saying "Hello." He says he knows he's going to hear it from his dad. Trump asks why they didn't choose Hatch, and Lil Jon says it was because the commercial was supposed to be absurd. Trump says he thinks that's why it was the one that was chosen (wait; did he just admit they won?). He asks Busey, who loves it, and thought Lil Jon was smart to call it their Super Bowl commercial. Trump says the word "viral" was also a smart choice. Nene, sitting down the table, is starting to cry. Trump asks Meat Loaf who was the weak player, and Meat Loaf says no one, honestly. Nene's crying even more. Ivanka agrees that there was a lot of harmony on the team, and she credits Lil Jon with that. She asks if anyone would disagree, and they all say they wouldn't. Trump finally asks Nene why she's crying. He tells her not to cry; she did great. Her team tells her to buck up, baby. Trump says it was very, very close, and Nene did a fantastic job.
So he moves on to ASAP, and Dionne says Nene did a superb job and is crying because she's emotionally attached to it. Trump says that ACN thought the heart and emotion in her commercial were phenomenal, and she's showing that now. Star says that the executives emphasized emotion, which is what they went with. Trump asks Nene why she's so emotional, and she tells him that she really always wanted to direct and loved this, and that it was so important to her to win this for her charity, which is for domestic abuse victims. She says that when she talked to her team about her charity, she found out Marlee and La Toya had both been in abusive relationships for years. Trump asks Nene if she has been, and she says yes, for about five years. You sort of have to wonder who could abuse someone as tough as Nene, though. Unless, by being in an abusive relationship, she means she was the one doing the beating. Because, seriously, the woman is badass. (Not to joke about domestic abuse, which I know is terrible. And it's heartbreaking that she's been in an abusive relationship, and awesome that she's still so tough in spite of that.) She tells Trump she just really wants her team to win.
Ivanka asks her if she's sad it's close, and she says she thought they did a good job. Trump says they did a great job, and they might have won. Trump asks Marlee what she thinks of Nene, and Marlee loves her. She says she's one of the best directors she's ever worked with. She's a star. Trump asks Nene if Dionne went home early, and what that was all about. Nene says she doesn't know, so Dionne steps in and says they didn't need her there. Don says he noticed some resentment when he showed up, but Dionne says no one asked her to stay. Nene says she would have liked her to stay, but she didn't ask her to, since she's not a babysitter. Trump asks Star who the weak players were, and she says La Toya and Hope: La Toya because she couldn't see, and Hope because she couldn't do a computer program that she'd said she could do. La Toya tries to say she did keep the time, and Nene says her eleven-year-old son could keep the time. Trump says he thinks La Toya has stepped up pretty well; or is he wrong? La Toya says he's right, but Nene says that if all she can do is keep the time. La Toya says that's all she gave her, and Nene says that's all she could do. Marlee steps in and says La Toya is a follower, not a leader.
Trump asks Don and Ivanka what the AC executives said (even though we saw that they told Trump who won... I guess he needs to give his kids something to do). Don says they thought the women's commercial was heartfelt, they thought Marlee was great, and they liked the brand integration. Ivanka says they loved the men's sense of humor, the capacity for it to go viral, and that was very creative. He asks if they want to know the results, and Nene gets teary again. Trump says the vote was very close, and they liked both of them a lot. One was very solid and catered to the core audience, the other was a little dangerous and risqué. He says the vote was 53 percent to 47 percent, in favor of the men. Lil Jon's charity will get $40,000 for his charity, the United Methodist Children's Home. Trump sends the guys back to the suite to relax and watch the women fight. Because, despite doing a wonderful job, one of them will be fired.
Back in the suite, Lil Jon's whooping it up about winning money for his charity. Then they turn to the TV to watch the women. Star says she's surprised the team has lost three week in a row since they come together on these tasks. Trump says they clearly didn't come together, since Star attacked La Toya and Dionne. Trump asks La Toya who's the weakest player. She says it's a difficult question, because he's dealing with a lot of headstrong players on this team. Star says there's no question that Hope and La Toya have been more followers than leaders. Trump says they haven't been project managers, so they haven't had to be leaders. La Toya says that when something is delegated to her, she does what she's asked to do. Trump asks Marlee who doesn't contribute, and she says La Toya. Trump's surprised. Marlee says La Toya's very quiet and humble. La Toya says that being quiet doesn't mean you're not doing a good job. Trump asks Nene who the team can do without, and she says Dionne, who gets major bitchface at that response. Nene says she likes Dionne a lot and respects her, but she left during the task. That, and the other girls are afraid of her. They all agree it's respect. Ivanka asks if it's a stamina issue or indifference. Dionne says she'd done everything she was supposed to do. Ivanka tells her that her team doesn't agree. Dionne says that someone should have told her to stay. Trump says that she did leave, and it doesn't seem like she asked for approval. She says she did ask for approval, but Nene again says she should have known it wasn't okay to leave. Dionne says that if she's not willing to make her stay, she's not really a project manager.
Trump says he's not sure whose version of events to believe, but Ivanka says it doesn't even matter since there were a lot of people in the editing room who weren't serving a function, but were there because the team was there, and Dionne probably should have been too. Trump asks Hope who he should fire, and she says Dionne. She respects her, blah, blah, blah, but... Trump asks Dionne who she'd fire, and she says she's going to take everyone else's opinion and say herself. The guys think this is a total mess. And, seriously, why would she do that instead of turning on Nene, who let her leave?! Don might even have her back on that, since he said that after he visited.
Dionne goes on to say that she has no problem saying what she has to say, and she doesn't want to be intimidating or be a cog in the wheel. Star says this might be the problem with their team: that people are willing to come in here and not fight for their charity. Trump tells her she is sort of quitting. Ivanka points out that only two people have said that about her, and others have said it about La Toya, too. Dionne says she'd love to stay, but... Trump cuts her off to ask Star why what Dionne's saying bothers her. She says that if she leaves tonight, she'd be leaving without giving any money for her charity. Trump asks what her charity is, and she says it's the Hunger Project. Trump says Star's right, and that others have already raised money for their charities. He asks why she doesn't want to stay, and she says Nene doesn't want her to. He says he makes the decisions and doesn't give a crap what Nene says. So she says she'd like to say in that case. But Trump tells her it's too late, and fires her. In the hall, Dionne says it's okay, gives Nene a hug, and then the two of them get in a giant fight, because Dionne calls her a coward for lying. Nene wants to know what she lied about, but the fact is that Dionne's just crazy. Trump tells the Trumplets that she looked him in the eye and challenged him to fire her and nobody gets away with that. Breaking news: Don and Ivanka agree!
Dionne's taxicab confession (I guess I should call these car-service confession in the celebrity version, shouldn't I?): She thinks Trump made the wrong choice in firing her, but she realizes she didn't flex her muscles as much as she could have. She says that ladies sometimes don't have the habit of being straight-up, and she doesn't like craziness. (Irony!) Thankfully she adds, "Unless I'm the crazy one." Now that is a philosophy I can get behind.
week: They're raising tons of money. People are shouting about $150,000 and $470,000. Trump says it's the most money they've raised ever, even in a whole season. But before that: Meat. Loaf. Breakdown. BIG TIME. Mark and Lil Jon have to keep him from killing Busey. There is much screaming and not quite the harmony we just saw in the boardroom.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, is growing fond of the crazies. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.