I wasn't sure if this episode would happen with the situation Bret Michaels is in, but I guess they figured they'd better air as many as they can while he's alive. You will have to forgive me if I can't be as snarky toward him as usual in this episode. On the other hand, you will also have to forgive me if I still am snarky about him. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. Previously: The women sucked, and were mean to Cyndi, then turned it around on her. The guys were awesome, but lost a lot. Goldberg had Bret do everything, then his team lost (because Luke Bryan was unwilling to change even a little bit), and Trump fired Goldberg. Cyndi's charity won $20,000.
Sharon doesn't feel right about winning, and is sad the men are down to two, since it will just be them clawing at each other if any more men leave. Bret comes back in and tells them, no offense, but he was surprised they lost, and it sucks to lose a friend. Sharon doesn't want to play anymore. She says she likes working with women, but the dynamic with these women is terrible. Summer thinks it's annoying that she wants to leave since they should all be playing for their charity. Shortened opening credits. Cyndi meets with Gregory Lewis, the director of her charity, True Colors Fund. They talk about the charity's True Colors House, where teenagers who are kicked out of their homes can live. She tells him she won and gives him $20,000, and tells him they'll also get the record sale proceeds so will have even more. As Gregory leaves, she's tells him being on the show is kind of like Apprentice Survivor.
When the teams arrive, Trump's with his wife, Melania and their adorable son, Barron (who evidently has his mother's looks). Barron's hitting golf balls on a roof, and Trump tells the teams he's a future businessman and pro golfer. Not that Trump has high expectations or anything. Trump says it's time to split up the teams. He puts Curtis on Tenacity and sends Maria and Sharon to RockSolid. Sharon's so excited to be back in her world of rock 'n' roll. She no longer wants to go home. Bret squeezes the ladies in close and tells Trump he's a genius. Trump tells them their task: to create and run a workout class. They'll come up with exercises and sell tickets. It will be at 24 Hour Fitness, where representatives will observe and then give the team with the best program $24,000. Don and Ivanka will be Trump's eyes and ears. This is a money-raising task, but their big donors can't just donate money; someone has to show up and take the class. Sharon's the RockSolid PM, and Holly steps up for Tenacity. She's a little intimidated, but you also have to consider that her team has an extra person, so maybe she shouldn't be. Cyndi has to do a press launch with Lady Gaga, but Trump tells her to work that out with her team.
Tenacity. Holly groans as Cyndi leaves, because she clearly hates Cyndi. Then she says she's tired of the drama and is happy the teams are shaken up. Curtis jumps in and starts spitting out ideas, then he asks what they'll do with Cyndi. Summer is tasked with calling Cyndi, and Holly tells her that Cyndi has to raise $30,000, because she can't pretend she doesn't know people with money anymore. RockSolid. Bret says his donors are going to be coming down in leather and rock clothes. Sharon's so happy to be on this team, and she doesn't want to go back to the ladies. Bret's idea is to "Sweat like a rock star," and they all love it. Bret plays music and starts dancing, and it quickly turns dirty. He calls it a "hot, perverted trainwreck." It devolves into "Pump up the wiener" jokes, and you know Sharon Osbourne just jumps right in. They're juvenile, but at least no one's bitchy. They start making fun of the other team, how they'll be all, "Olympic gold medalists and thigh thrusts." Cut to Summer doing your typical workout, just like they thought. She and Curtis are in charge, because of his Biggest Loser experience and her entire life. Back at RockSolid, they decide to have a whip and crack it at the people working out.
Tenacity. Summer and Curtis dance around. Summer's very pleased with herself. Curtis comes up with a theme: "Guns and buns." They'll focus on arms and butts because women want better butts and men want better arms. Curtis then says, "I probably know more about arms than I do butts." Which is hilarious for some reason. So he'll come up with the arms workout, and Summer will do buns.
RockSolid heads over to see their gym. They meet their 24 Hour Fitness trainer, Mickey, who Bret tells us "is from Texas. And she's hot." They come up with ways to marry the rock 'n' roll with the workout, using air guitar and other rockstar moves. Basically, they don't feel like they need the trainer because they can't compete with the legitimate training Summer will have on Tenacity so they want to win by making theirs more fun. Bret says they're going for absolute broke. The trainer is clearly not happy with their strategies to do things like "the groupie thrust" and the "ménage a trois."
At Tenacity, Holly tasks Summer and Curtis with going to the gym, while she starts calling in her favors, since at the end of the day it's all about how much money they raise. Holly fills us in on her charity, the HollyRod Foundation. At the gym, Curtis and Summer are much more willing to take input from their trainer. Summer says they're concentrating on trying to win the $24,000, which could be the difference in this task. Curtis decides they need to leave to meet their graphic designers, and Summer's not 100 percent sure they had enough time with the trainers. I don't see why they can't split up, but instead they both want one thing and she ends up doing what he wants. Holly's still calling people for money when the graphic designer shows up. She starts trying to call Summer and Curtis, but Summer's phone rings right on the table to them. She just starts rambling because she doesn't know anything. Luckily, they walk in right then. The graphic designer has absolutely no facial expression, and I can't tell if it's because she hates Holly as much as I do, but that's what I hope. Curtis and Summer are incorporating their "Guns and Buns" with the 24 Hour Fitness logo, which can't be a bad idea.
RockSolid is back to meet with their graphic designer, who he says is "very cool, very talented, very pretty." I love that Bret thinks all women, no matter what they look like, are pretty or hot. At least the guy's not choosy, and he sure does love the ladies. That said, this graphic designer is very pretty. His idea for their graphic design is to give people who come to the class a backstage laminated pass to leave with, where they list themselves as "Maria: trainer and diva-thrust specialist," "Sharon Osbourne: personal motivation and cussing" and "Bret Michaels, DJ and gynecological expert." Although none of them, not even the graphic designer, can spell gynecological, so it ends up looking like, "gynechological." Bret looks at it and laughs as he pronounces the "ch," so you'd think he'd realize it's wrong, but whatever. Then Sharon tells us that Bret is actually the master of that area. Ha. But, really, we know. Bret says, "They may not love this." Dude, trust your instincts on this one.
Cyndi calls Holly, and wonders if they really want her to raise $30,000 by herself. She says most of her real friends can give only $1,000. Then she gives a completely crazy-eyed camera interview like this: "I can't even call David Hasselhoff, who I meet occasionally in the oddest places." First time in Hawaii, then in Paris, then on The Apprentice. "And then one time I was talking about him and I turned around and saw a man who looked just like him, but wasn't. So it was kind of a Hasselhoff sighting." Man, does Cyndi even know where she is right now? She's babbling to Holly about how she called Yoko Ono, and some other people. Holly tells her those people don't have to come; the donations just have to be represented by a physical body. Cyndi says her mom's coming too, which annoys Holly for some reason. Holly once again tells us that Cyndi is going to come in on the second day and not know what she's doing. I hate Holly.
RockSolid. Sharon says she has a list of people to call, but their problem is finding people to represent her out-of-town donors. Bret says he could have raised funds, but that's not what Sharon wanted him to do. So he calls "the smoking hot messes" from Rock of Love and other friends. Then Sharon puts him on fliers and getting the word out on the street. Sharon tells us that the timing is perfect for her to be PM, because Ozzy's doing an event with WWE, who are very generous. She leaves them to go meet Ozzy. Bret thinks they'll bring it for their own charity.
Tenacity. Donald Jr. shows up to check in, and Holly says it's "creative begging." He's not impressed that she's been so hands-off with the workout if they lose the task because of the $24,000. She complains about Cyndi being gone again, and Donald Jr. says she better be getting Lady Gaga, but Holly says she's probably not going to sell it properly. Any opportunity to talk shit about Cyndi, Holly's on that.
RockSolid. Bret's heading to the printers for their graphics, while Sharon's with Ozzy at WWE, and Maria's finalizing the workout. Bret reads their fliers, which say, "Because it's fun you ll work your muscle & mind." He jokes with the guy, about the "you ll" and "muscle" instead of muscles, but takes the blame, because he mistyped it. But, still, shouldn't the graphics people notice that and at least ask? Bret says spelling and grammar may not be his strong points, but he's going to work on that. I love that he actually wants to improve it. He takes the typo-filled fliers and heads off.
Tenacity. Holly has about seven big donors, and Curtis is calling and getting people to donate too. He gets at least one $20,000 donation. Summer feels like a loser, because if they lose the task, she'll be the weak link. She has a list of five people, and asks for $20,000. She gets 5 grand instead and Holly tells us Summer's not good at fundraising. Curtis and Summer leave to go get T-shirts made and other graphics stuff and then to come up with their workout.
RockSolid. Bret's back at the gym putting up their lame graphics to get bodies in since they have the sponsors. He finds Maria planning the workout. He tells her it's hot. She says she's going to throw a fit if the other team gets the $24,000 because no one could have come up with a better concept. Unless, you know, 24 Hour Fitness doesn't want it to be all about sex. Bret watches Maria do her workout, and he's really enjoying it. He tells us how great the hotness has been today. Bret takes his shirt off, and Maria compliments how hot he is, so he does his workout, which he says he's taking "to the gun show."
Tenacity. Summer and Curtis are dropping off their T-shirts at the printer and want to get back to the gym. They also still need to make their CD, so they call Holly and ask her to do it or they won't have any music. Because she's delegated so much to them, they don't have time to do it. But Summer has the CD with her, so they have to go back to Holly and give it to her. Curtis starts to get annoyed and stressed because there's no time and now they're set back again. Holly keeps on making phone calls, and I'm not clear on why she couldn't go get the CD while she makes calls, but whatever, she's Holly. She's the boss. She says there's no illusion that she can beat Sharon, whom she thinks is calling Elton John and the Queen of England. She knows she's out of here if she doesn't win. A couple people tell her no.
RockSolid. A WWE guy comes in and donates $10,000 for the organization, and another $10,000 from his boss, and another from the guy talking to her. So, $30,000 from WWE. Sharon's in shock. But I hope she's getting a lot more than that. She freaks out, though, so I think maybe she's not.
Tenacity. Cyndi's back, and Holly says they're waiting for the credit card numbers. Cyndi looks at Holly's fundraising list and says Holly knows a lot of rich people, but Holly says it took sexual favors to get that. Cyndi's mom's giving $500, Lady Gaga gave $2,500 and Nicole Miller came through. Holly puts Cyndi in charge of getting bodies in there, because they have a lot of donors but no bodies. Cyndi calls some radio guy and asks him to get bodies down there. Cyndi tells us that Robert Kennedy said, "To those who are given a lot, a lot is expected. Or something like that." Not that far off, actually -- you know, other than that JFK himself was quoting the Bible.
RockSolid. Ivanka shows up and they show her their strategy. She praises them for having a theme, but isn't sure it will fly with the 24 Hour Fitness folks. She asks Sharon how much they'll raise, and Sharon has a goal of $100,000. Ivanka thinks that's aiming high, but it seems like that won't be enough to beat Tenacity. Ivanka says when you see three people on a team, you know it's coming down to the wire and getting close.
Tenacity. Curtis and Summer show up before their classes to practice their routine. They hadn't made it back to the gym the night before, so they're getting everything set up and fliers put up, etc. Ten minutes before the class, and no one has shown up, including Holly and Cyndi. Without bodies in the classes, they can't take the donors. RockSolid has that one all figured out, though, with Bret's fans and friends. One girl tells him he's in her top five celebrities, so she gets a pass from her husband. Bret puts his arm around her and says they're going in the bathroom to finish their stretching.
Tenacity. Holly's calling her last-minute donors as Summer's scouting the gym for people to take their class. Cyndi shows up with her adorable little mom, who says, "I guess so" when Holly asks if she's going to take a class today. Two minutes until go time, and Tenacity has three people. Summer sends Cyndi to announce the free class, for charity, over the P.A. Cyndi does some sort of crazy rap thing over the P.A. as Summer keeps asking people to take their class. Cyndi ends with "Calling all peeps! I need you downstairs now." Then she starts approaching people on the street and in the gym, but most of them pass. As Summer's starting her class, there are two people there. The 24 Hour Fitness representative walks in, and then Curtis comes in with another couple people. They're obviously worried they won't get their money, but they teach a legitimate workout class.
RockSolid's class is packed with people, and Maria's actually a good trainer, full of energy and on point about going to a rock concert. The 24 Hour Fitness representative comes in and seems to like it, actually. She even laughs at the lead-singer grind. During the tour bus thrust, some girl gets up and stands over Bret. He says it was "not horrible." But the 24 Hour lady seems to disagree. Tenacity's money is rolling in, but they're having a hard time matching the money up to bodies in the room. The second class is more full, and Curtis says that's because Cyndi filled that room. Summer walks around the class during the guns portion, connecting one-on-one with people, and Curtis does that while Summer leads buns. The 24 Hour lady likes Tenacity's balanced workout, and thinks they hit everything they needed to, including getting to know people's names.
RockSolid is more like a rock concert than a workout, with everyone doing air guitar. The 24 Hour lady thinks their class is fun, and that the theme was great. She says there were some times there was a move or two that they wouldn't want to use with groups of people. Cut to Bret thrusting his pelvis. Commercials. Which gives me an opportunity to say this little prayer: "Dear God, I don't ask for a lot, but please let Bret Michaels be okay. He's too funny and crazy to take away from the world. We need him. As does this show. Amen."
Tenacity. Holly's desperately begging people for money, telling them that she probably won't win without their money. She is waiting for a big $50,000 fax to come through. She says she raises money all the time, but never this much this fast. She is worried that Sharon's called Sting and Bruce Springsteen and gotten $100,000. RockSolid's checking on her own donations. She calls Simon Cowell's office. She says she's trying to ask as nicely as possible, "Where's the fucking money?!" Tenacity. Holly's still waiting for her $50,000 from Ron Burkle. Time's almost up as she waits for the fax. It finally comes about two minutes before their deadline. Then she finds someone to represent the donation in the class. RockSolid. Sharon's finding people to represent their donations. She says she's probably never been more anxious about anything. Sharon tells one person that she's representing a $25,000 donation, and the girl gets all excited. Sharon says that people are really good, when they come through with that kind of money. The final class ends and everyone cheers. At Tenacity, Holly breaks down crying and tells everyone how much she appreciates them no matter what happens. She says they really gave their all for this task. She's even saying nice things about Cyndi, so maybe this is a new Holly. Curtis hugs them and says he's happy to be a girl for a day. Commercials. I cannot believe that someone came up with the concept of KFC for Susan G. Komen for the Cure.
Finally, it's boardroom time. Ivanka and Donald Jr. are waiting when the teams enter. Then enters Trump. He first asks Sharon how she's feeling. She says she's so much better. He asks how her team did, and she absolutely thinks they won. She says Bret was amazing, and Maria was stunning. She absolutely wouldn't have preferred anyone from the other team. She says she's in heaven with her team. Trump asks if she's happy to be away from the other team, and she says she is, because this team is sillier. Holly's not happy to be rid of Sharon, but having Curtis brought fresh energy to the team. Trump asks if Holly thinks she won, and she says she has a feeling she didn't, because Sharon knows so many people, plus she has to ask people for money all the time. Donald Jr. says she has an advantage, though, because the people she's calling are known to be philanthropic or she wouldn't still have them in her rolodex. She agrees they are all philanthropic, but they also have budgets. Trump asks how much Holly raises for her charity every year, and she says about half a million. He asks who she is least satisfied with on her team, and she starts crying and tells him how inspired she is by these people. He asks if she really loves these people. "At this moment, yes." Donald Jr. brings up her concerns about Cyndi when she was away, and how that went, and she says Cyndi made her a believer.
When Holly says her biggest donation was $50,000, Sharon looks a little nervous, and tells Holly she didn't lose with that big of a donation. Trump says the $24,000 will play a part, and asks Holly if she thinks she won. She says her crew looked like they were ready to make a workout video, but that the executive came during the first class, so she isn't sure what they're going to say. Ivanka tells them about RockSolid's concept, and they give them the backstage pass with their workout moves on it. Trump wonders what "praying to the porcelain god" is, and Sharon explains the porcelain god is the toilet. Trump: "Oh, is that what that is?" At this point, Donald Jr. is literally stifling laughter. Once they explain it, Trump says, "That's very interesting. I've seen plenty of that, actually." Trump asks what Bret think of Tenacity's materials, and he says it seems kind of boring. Both teams think the other team won the $24,000. Which is a perfect time for a dramatic commercial break.
When we're back, we get a repeat of what we just saw, because so many people turn on a show during commercial breaks. Anyway, the $24,000 winner is RockSolid. They thought it was extraordinary, original, dynamic and amazing. They're probably going to use it at 24 Hour Fitness. Maria gets all excited that she might be on a video. I'm so confused about if she thinks she's doing all this time. Trump asks how Holly feels about this, if this puts them over the top, and Holly thinks it might. Trump asks Summer if she was responsible for Tenacity's workout class. She says she was partially responsible, but she shouldn't be fired. Trump asks Curtis what he did, and he says he had a big part in the concept, too, but he also doesn't think he should be fired. Donald Jr. tells Curtis that being responsible for the workout is a bad thing, and might mean they're fired. Curtis doesn't think they did lose.
Trump asks how Ivanka did. She says they did a terrific job, with spirit and a great theme. He asks Don about Tenacity. He says they got along great, but it was all work, much more of a business environment, which is probably why they lost on some of the fun of RockSolid. He says it's more what he's used to from a business standpoint, but he'd rather have fun with RockSolid. Ivanka says RockSolid raised $131,803, including the $24,000. Tenacity raised $206,090. Sharon curses, in shock, I think. Trump tells Holly she won. Trump says with the $10,000 from the free-throw contest, her team has $347,893. Trump says it's the largest they've ever raised for one task outside of the finales. She tells them about her charity, which raises money for families affected by autism. They're going to earmark this money to raise a facility for autism treatment. She says her oldest son has autism. Before they leave, Trump asks Cyndi who he should fire on RockSolid. She doesn't want to say, so he asks why not Maria. She says, "Because I feel bad. She's happy now." Trump: "Badly. You feel badly." That's right, folks. He just incorrectly corrected her grammar, and then she's like, "Badly." What a condescending dick. Cyndi says she does like Maria. He asks Curtis who he'd fire, and he says it's hard to know. Curtis would definitely not fire Bret, who's been very loyal, which is an important factor when you work in teams. Curtis says Maria hasn't always been loyal to her teammates, but maybe Sharon, who's project manager.
Trump asks Sharon if she wants to go home, and she says no. Holly says, "But you said you did the other night." Sharon asks if she's answering for her, and then asks if she was a tittle-tattle at school. Sharon says that was the other night. Holly says it's okay for her to say that if she heard it. Whatever. Shut up. I hate Holly again. Even more maybe now that she's the arrogant winner. Trump asks if it was inappropriate for Holly to bring that up. Sharon says she's a fighter, but she's tittle-tattling. Sharon says she did want to go home when she was so sick. He asks Holly if she can understand that, and she says she can, but she's never felt like that. He says she hasn't been sick. He asks Holly who he should fire, and she asks who raised the least money. Trump says Bret by far raised the least money, but Bret has no excuses. Sharon says it was her job to raise money, not Bret's, and Trump wonders why. Ivanka asks Sharon which of these two she'd rather keep as a partner, and she says she was the PM and failed, so she should go. Maria can't choose either. She thought they did really well. Trump agrees they did really well; they won, in fact, in terms of originality, just not in terms of money. The only problem he has is that Sharon's team raised $103,000 for Holly, and Holly raised more than $250,000. He says he hates to do this, Sharon... She tells him it's fine, honestly, and he asks if she's sure, then says, "Okay, because I'm not going to fire anyone." He's impressed by the $347,000, and can't fire anyone. Sharon and Holly are both happy, and Holly says she's cutting a check immediately to Sharon's charity, since she raised so much money. As they leave, Trump says, "See? I have a heart." Then he tells Ivanka he thinks that was a nice ending. Ivanka: "It was." Donald Jr. agrees, too, and Trump feels good about it. Holly cries some more as she says she was so sure she lost, and that the amount is incredible. Cyndi and Holly walk arm in arm back to the suite, and Cyndi tells her she's glad her charity won. Holly thanks her. Now that Holly's won, will we get a new, softer version?
Everybody at NBC wishes Bret Michaels a speedy recovery (seriously, God, are you listening?). week: Trump promises to fire someone, and it could be two people. They have to create live radio spots. Holly thinks RockSolid's too wild for this. Summer's "very clear" with Cyndi, and Cyndi thinks no one listens to her (so, not a better relationship then?). Curtis is mad, and Sharon says he thinks he's so hot. Trump asks her if she doesn't like Curtis much. She says "Not a lot," and then does a mocking, "Put another shrimp on the barbie" thing.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, also wishes Bret Michaels a speedy recovery. Or else. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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