Previously: Rod Blagojevich came, he politicked, he didn't know how to use a computer. Trump admired his courage, but he lost a Harry Potter challenge, and was fired. Selita (who?) won the challenge, so her charity will get some money. Now: The girls get a little cocky and delusional, saying they've won three in a row "being cohesive, and respectful." When Curtis and Michael rejoin the group, they feel like they'll win the one. Michael thinks they need to get organized to win, but then interviews to us that he doesn't think Bret has the ability to do that. "Money, money, money" credits. Remember Carol Leifer? Yeah, me neither. "It's nothing personal. It's just business."
Selita visits her friend, Tiffany, who's the director of Shine on Sierra Leone. They talk about how well the charity's doing and then Selita gives Tiffany the $20,000 check. Tiffany squeals and there's lots of hugging. My cold heart remembers there's actually some good at work behind this ridiculous show. But only for a moment because then Trump has the teams gathered in a gym, where he joins them. Once again, Michael tells Trump losing a teammate was "easy." Trump tells him he's a "nasty" guy, and Michael laughs. Come on, Trump, he was in an individual sport. There's no "team" in gold medals in Olympic sprinting. Well, except in relays, I guess. Anyway, Trump says Sharon's out sick, and then says, "Cyndi?" for no apparent reason, but she tells him that her True Colors Fund worked on the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Amendment that was being signed into law that day. Trump tells her to say hi to the president, and that he knows him and likes him. Then he tells them about their challenge: They'll be working with Right Guard. Some Right Guard execs explain they'll create a 30-second TV commercial and 10-second Internet commercial to promote Right Guard Total Defense 5. They have to gear it toward young men and sports enthusiasts, and will be judged on: creativity, brand integration and overall presentation. George and Ivanka will be Trump's eyes and ears. Time to pick project managers: Holly and Curtis, who'd like to put the girls in their place, but really is here for Feeding America. Trump informs them Right Guard is the official deodorant of the NBA, and so they'll be working with two former NBA players (both of whom played in Portland, I might add): Clyde Drexler and Scottie Pippen.
Trump decides the teams will shoot baskets and whoever wins this pickup game or whatever it is gets $10,000. Trump shoots and scores (or so they make it look like it). Selita shoots and misses, so does Goldberg, then Summer, then Bret, then Curtis, and Holly, and Michael. Maria, in six-inch stilettos, shoots and scores. Curtis is all, "Fuck the girls. I'm so sick of them." He's really tired of losing to them, especially at sports. Holly's charity, HollyRod Foundation, gets the $10,000. Holly hugs and thanks Maria. Then they get in the van and start planning. Holly's idea is to focus on the first moments of funk for a tween boy, and then have their NBA player appear and be like, "I'm your funky godfather." Everyone loves it, and with just these four ladies, it's a really good vibe. No tension or anything, like there is with those troublesome women Sharon and Cyndi. The men are meeting with the executives, asking them a bunch of boring questions. Basically, they don't have a great idea, so they just ask all sorts of stuff and find out exactly what they've already been told. Then the women interview the executives, and they ask how much they should target the moms making the purchases, and the executives said not at all.
RockSolid. Curtis tells them they have to keep focused today, and then explains that without Cyndi and Sharon, they're on an even playing field and can win this. Bret has some ideas that he wants to act out with Curtis. He even makes Goldberg "Be the doorbell." (Pause) Goldberg: "Ding-dong." Which I am interpreting as him calling Bret that, not actually being the doorbell. Basically, Bret shouts out a bunch of ideas, and then something clicks and Curtis likes it. It involves a basketball and a person doing pushups, which is about all I can understand from Bret. Curtis says that he spits out something brilliant at the end of his jabbering, though, so you learn to be patient. I'll have to take Curtis's word, I guess, because I heard nothing coherent, let alone brilliant.
Tenacity is talking about "mom jeans" being a funny visual when Scottie Pippen walks in. They're happy to have him, and they tell him he has the best team. When they tell him about their "first moments of funk" and "funky godfather" idea, he laughs, which they take as a good sign. Clyde the Glide shows up, and Bret gets a good vibe, Michael's happy to see him (because they were on the same Olympic team!), and Curtis whispers to Michael, "Which team did he play on?" Michael tells him Houston, and they both laugh, and Curtis says he's a foreigner, which is a good excuse. But I'm annoyed Michael said "Houston," when Clyde was much more famous for Portland. But maybe people in Houston think he was more famous for playing there. I know that he won an NBA championship finally in Houston, and he went to college there, but still... PORTLAND. Not that I care or anything. Curtis explains that it's embarrassing for him to be from Australia, because he wasn't even in this country when Clyde was a big deal. Michael forgives him.
Tenacity van. Holly, Scottie and Selita call Chris Paul on speakerphone because he's the spokesperson for Right Guard. He thinks they're on the right track. Holly talks shit about Cyndi and then Cyndi calls and they act all nice to her, but Holly gives her a task to write a testimonial about her son discovering his first moments of funk. RockSolid's packing up to go to the studio when Bret gets a text to call his daughter, Raine. He gets off the phone and tells them that his daughter's being tested for diabetes and he's freaking out. They're all super-supportive and nice to him, then Bret cries to the camera because his daughter asked if she'll have to take shots like him. Dude, she's being tested for it, right? Why not save the tears until after he knows she actually has it? And, even then, maybe don't act on national TV like it's a death sentence?
Scottie, Holly and Selita show up to the place they're shooting their commercial, while Maria and Summer are off to get props. Holly talks and talks and talks, and I'm not sure how Scottie can put up with it, actually. Scottie has to get on a plane in less than four hours, so they decide to shoot in front of a green screen. RockSolid, meanwhile, is looking around for something that looks like an apartment for their shoot, but it's just a big, cold, empty studio. Bret: "I'm gonna say something. Please don't hate me. It's just words." He wants to change everything, but Curtis doesn't think they can rethink everything at this point. He sends Michael and Goldberg to the prop house, while he and Bret stay to meet the director, who tells them the time constraints will have them "pumping and pushing." Dirty! Bret decides they have to change to a new idea, and tells Curtis to throw him under the bus and back over him if this fails. Curtis opts to change. Never a good idea.
Tenacity. Holly and Selita choose music for the "Funky Godfather" jingle. Selita lies that Holly's a genius, and Holly agrees. The jingle makes them think they have the advantage. Maria calls, and they're just leaving props. Selita and Holly are worried, since Scottie has a plane to catch. Selita thinks they'll still win. RockSolid. Now that they've changed tracks, Curtis calls Bill and Michael to tell them which new props to buy, but Goldberg convinces him not to change, so Curtis tells Bret to stick to the plan. Bret keeps begging Curtis (on his knees, even) to change the plan, but Clyde agrees with Curtis that they can't keep changing their minds. Curtis swears some more in his interviews to the camera. I never would have thought he'd be such a potty mouth. I like it. Bret doesn't get his way, so he leaves the room to call and see how his daughter, Rainbow, is doing. I have to admit I think it's sort of cute he calls her that. He tells whoever he's talking to not to freak her out. Since, you know, he's doing that enough for everyone. Then he interviews that he had to go in the bathroom and "punch a few things, you know, smash my head into the mirror." Cut to him and Curtis finally shaking hands and coming together. Bret gives himself a shot, and says if his daughter's diagnosed he would have to go take care of his family.
Tenacity. The ladies show up with props right as George is getting there to supervise. They really need Cyndi here for all the schlepping, don't they? Selita stands around and does basically nothing but flirt with Scottie while Maria, Summer and Holly carry in furniture and sinks. George notices that all of the women are working hard except Selita, and he doesn't know what she's doing. RockSolid. Guys finally show up with props, and all the guys jump in to help out and set it all up. When Ivanka shows up, Curtis sends Bret off to work so that he won't talk to Ivanka, then he lies to her and says they've already shot two scenes when they really haven't shot any. He interviews that he told her what she wanted to hear so they could keep moving. The editors add a little "ping" as he smiles big. Ivanka says she was impressed by Curtis's level of calm, and his good attitude.
White House. Obama's signing the hate crime prevention act into law, and Cyndi's there. Shot of him shaking her hand, and she gets all choked up talking about. Cyndi calls the ladies at Tenacity afterward, and tells them the story about her son, but no one listens to her at all. At the end, she's like, "Hello?" She asks if they heard any of it, and Summer lies that they heard all of it. Cyndi interviews that she's sad she's missing it, but she doesn't like Holly anyway and would never work with her in the real world. Tenacity starts shooting their commercial, and it stars Holly as the mom, hugging her son and smelling his funk. Even George smiles. Scottie's turn (I don't know why they wouldn't shoot his scene first, but whatever). RockSolid's shooting, too. There's a scene where Clyde shows up to hang out with some kids and they throw a ball at him hard, then one where the two kids hug up to him. Curtis is all, "In his pit; get up in his pit; not his nipple. I don't want any kinky shit going on in here." Curtis really respects Clyde for letting them do basically anything to him. Bret says Curtis is the man.
After the 30-second ad is shot, Michael has an idea for the ten: Someone steals a ball from Clyde, and he's like, "That's good defense, but you need Total Defense." Done. Ten seconds. Curtis likes it. They shoot it, and feel good about having the shots they needed. Bret admits he was wrong, and Curtis was right to stick to his guns. Back at Tenacity, the women are feeling a time crunch because they lose Scottie in a half-hour. Scottie reminds them that someone will get fired if they lose. For the 10-second shot, Scottie rubs Right Guard in a bunch of boys' armpits as they hang from a bar. I think it might have been shot incorrectly, because we could see the screen behind Holly as she watched, and it was only showing their legs. Scottie leaves, and Holly says she's stressing because of how rushed they were for time.
RockSolid gets into their van to go to the edit room, and Bret tells us he went into a vacuum at that time and tuned them out. As they discuss the presentation, Bret starts crying. Then he says he doesn't want her to be a diabetic, and can't picture her taking four shots a day. I really can't tell if the other guys are annoyed, but surely they are. Curtis reminds Bret that's why he's here: for diabetes. Bret says the guys have been great, as they're all super-nice and pat his shoulders and stuff. He says a couple times that he doesn't cry, but he prays all the time that his kids won't be diabetic. Goldberg asks the cameras to give him five minutes and the lights in the van go out. I know these guys are clearly not good at this show, but they do seem like pretty cool (if insane) people, overall.
Tenacity editing room. Selita thinks Maria's an aggressive women, who's literally plotting all the time. Maria doesn't seem to do anything but suggest stuff, so the problem might be Selita's. RockSolid editing room. They are so happy to find all the pieces are there for their 30-second commercial. Bret knows edit bay, and he loves the commercial. He says the task saved him, by making him laugh and take his mind of his daughter for a minute. They finish up the 30-second spot, but leave the 10-second one until the day (when they'll have two more hours). morning, RockSolid heads back to the edit bay. Curtis says the most important thing was to see how Bret's doing. He says he's hoping for the best, and they don't know when they'll know, but she has all the symptoms. For some reason, we get close-ups of Michael as Bret talks.
Tenacity shows up at their edit room with Cyndi, and they're worried she'll make all kinds of suggestions. They show her the commercial, and she wonders if the "Funky Godfather" music can be doubled. Cyndi offers to sing with her, but Holly's just going to have it doubled with her own voice. Cyndi pushes her way in and sings it, saying she knows sound and music. In the other room, the girls say they're going to keep her from singing over the top. Cyndi barely adds herself and they love it. So... no drama? How did that happen? RockSolid decides to go a different direction and just use the outtakes for the internet version, because you can be looser. Meanwhile, Bill and Michael are working on the presentation, which needs to be a little bit of a show. Michael decides including all of their own stories of sweating and pressure is a good idea. Curtis and Bret shows everyone their 10-second outtake version, and everyone loves it. They can't believe they're finished before the task is over, but they're all happy with it. But Tenacity's still working on their 10-second. They decide to just use the locker scene from the middle of their 30-second spot, which Holly puts Maria in charge of while she works on the presentation. She tells us how annoying it was that Selita kept telling her she had nothing to do. Maria comes out and asks them if anyone wants to see it, and they all say no. Holly does come back in, and she's pissed at where her sound is. She thinks it's moved and she blames Maria, who says she asked them to come in ten minutes prior and they wouldn't. Holly's a snot to Maria, all, "I don't care anymore. Whatever." Selita and Summer baby her, and they all leave Maria behind. Why do women on reality TV have to make our gender appear so gross and petty and bitchy?
RockSolid presentation. Bret comes in first, claiming he's a lifelong user of Right Guard. He says no one sweats like he does, which is when Michael comes in, all, "Yeah right, golden boy." He gives his "I sweat a lot" speech, all about training as an athlete. That's when Curtis comes in and says he gets that Michael's fast, but it only takes him 20 seconds to get his sweating out, whereas he's in the kitchen for 16 or 17 hours a day, sweating up a storm. That's when Goldberg comes in and calls all the others "ladies." The guys rip off their shirts to reveal Right Guard jerseys, since they all have Right Guard underneath. The execs appear to be mostly humorless. They don't show any reaction at all to the commercial, and Bret says if their reaction meant anything, they totally lost. He calls it "a look of confusion and stoic-ness. Stofusion." They're expressionless through the 10-second spot, too. Bret tells them, "Our acting may stink; our armpits do not" on the way out. He's actually pretty good under pressure.
Tenacity's presentation. The women are all in Right Guard shirts. Holly reads from cards about her own son's first moments of funk. Which he surely loves her sharing on TV. Then Cyndi shares hers, but she mostly fumbles and can't remember what to say. She does compare Scottie Pippen to puberty. The execs seem to love the ad, though, which I don't get. The other one seemed to be a lot better. They sing their jingle on the way out, and the execs say they appreciate their hard work. Trump meets with the execs, who tell him that both teams did exceptionally well. They say the men's team seemed to get what the company was going after (they're all about high performance, and the focus on ages 13 to 18 instead of a mom), but the women were entertaining. They didn't like that the women just cut down the 30-second ad to 10 seconds. Trump asks them who won, which is our cue for a commercial break of course.
Afterward, Michael shows up at Trump's real (I think) office to tell him he has a family/personal situation and has to head to San Francisco to take care of his son. Trump asks, without concern, if his son's okay. Michael says he's fine, and Trump asks if he's fighting with his wife. Um, what?! Why would he ask that? Michael says it's just a personal situation, and Trump asks if it was a total surprise. Michael says absolutely. Trump says, "Wow. This is a big one." That's what she said. Michael says he'd stay if this were avoidable, and he's hoping he can come back. He'll know when he gets to San Francisco. Trump doesn't think it's fair to let him come back since he'll miss some firings and too much time will pass. Michael agrees, and leaves. Then Michael tells his team goodbye, and Bret explains that Michael didn't want to get into it, but they respect him and support him as a team. Michael says he loves his team and wants to stay, but he has to get back and handle his situation. Bret thinks it's surreal to be down to three people.
Boardroom. Without Michael and Sharon, there are only eight people. Trump explains Michael departed without giving a real reason, and asks Goldberg about it. He says that if Michael left, he knows there was a damn good reason. Trump asks Curtis how he thinks his team did, and Curtis says they had some tough personal situations and it was a difficult task for them. Bret fills them all in on his daughter, who's nine. Trump asks if he'd like to leave or if it makes him want to fight more. Bret says he'd never want to leave and he would do anything for his charity, but if she's really sick, he would have to leave. Trump asks Holly how her team did, and she says they did really well and enjoyed themselves, even being a couple short. Trump asks about Sharon, and Holly says she's very ill. Trump asks if it's Sharon's way of escaping a couple tasks, but Holly says she's very ill. Trump says he gets that she's sick, but he can't let this go on much longer or it's not fair. He asks who did the least, and Holly says Cyndi, but that's because she had to go see the president. Trump thinks that's an acceptable excuse. Cyndi says she came back and worked. She says she loved the president and meeting him was awesome.
Trump shows the ads to both teams. Everyone chuckles at each other's and their own ads. When they're done, Trump asks Bret which ad was better. Bret thinks the women did a good job, but theirs was funnier. Goldberg loved Scottie picking the kid up in the air, but thinks theirs was better. Trump asks Cyndi if she can separate from her team, and she says she didn't think the men's was funny. Trump says he did, and he's not even a person who laughs a lot. He asks Maria, who thinks their ad was definitely better. Ivanka says they didn't really create two separate ads, though; they just shortened one. Maria agrees, and says she wishes they had two separate ads. Maria says they did have another ad, but didn't use it, and Trump asks whose decision that was. Holly says it was hers, and Trump says that's trouble if they lose. Then he asks who sang on the ad, and Holly says it was her, with Cyndi underneath. Trump says that's a lot of money, and Holly says Cyndi came in and helped her layer it. Trump asks Cyndi to sing it, and she does. Holly looks annoyed as everyone else loves it and claps.
Trump asks Ivanka what the execs thought of the men's team. Pros: "Phenomenal" presentation. They thought the commercial did a great job articulating the brand. They didn't love the 10-second video, and didn't think it would go viral. George has their take on the women: They thought the "first moment of funk" was creative and original and that the use of Pippen was creative. They liked the physical comedy. But they didn't think the ten-second internet spot stands alone. The focus was also on the mom, instead of the target market of teen boys. Trump says the executives liked both teams, but they loved the men's commercial. He says they're going to be using it all over the place. Yeah, we'll see. Trump says that he agrees with the executives, and he congratulates Curtis on his $20,000 for Feeding America. The men are so happy, and Bret's explaining in the lobby that the women never resolved the funk in their commercial, and needed to get back to the brand. Dude, maybe Curtis is right, and Bret is brilliant? My world is totally upside-down if that's true.
Our three remaining men drink champagne and toast to Curtis's charity. He explains that one in eight Americans are hungry and he's happy to be a part of the charity. They sit down to watch Trump "hammer a few people." Trump asks what happened, and Holly says they were all very confident in their 30-second, and they shot footage for a separate viral. Trump says not using it had a big impact on their decision. He asks whose idea the jingle was, and she says it was hers. The execs loved it. She says she's glad they loved something. Ivanka says Holly was obviously a dominant project manager, but the problem with that is that she's a one-woman show with a team. She says she delegated, and Trump asks if that's true. Summer says, "Yeah," and looks nervous. Trump asks Maria who the weak link on the team was. She pretends she has to think about it and says she hates doing it, but she'd have to say Selita. She brings up carrying the props, and how everyone came to help except Selita. George confirms he was there at the time and he was surprised she didn't do anything since this is a contest. Maria says she loves Selita, but she's the weak link. Trump asks Selita to respond. She says she was organizing every other aspect but creative. Back with the guys, Bret says this lovefest has to end, and Goldberg says it's just been broken.
Trump asks Summer who she'd fire, and Summer says the two obvious are Cyndi and Sharon. He tells her to leave them alone for right now. Holly speaks up that Cyndi was there. Trump says to assume Cyndi and Sharon are safe, and Holly tries to say that Cyndi was with them this morning. He tells Holly that Cyndi was with the president and he won't fire Cyndi, so to bring her back if she wants. He's also giving Sharon a pass as long as they think she's really sick. He asks Holly if Sharon's really sick, and Holly does. So Holly brings Selita and Maria. Trump asks why Maria, and Holly says the only thing was the glitch with the editing at the end that cost them time, and Maria sticks up for herself since she asked Holly to come in and listen to it. Cyndi tries to say something about Holly, and Holly starts talking shit to her, because she clearly wanted to bring her back. The guys like that Holly doesn't take any shit. Trump asks Cyndi if she thinks he should fire Holly. She's not going to say, but she wanted to explain something. Ivanka and Donald point out Cyndi doesn't seem to like Holly. Cyndi won't answer. So he asks Summer, who says the strongest of the three is Holly. She won't say who's the weakest. He sends Summer and Cyndi to their suite and the others into the lobby.
In the lobby, Selita says she promised herself she wasn't going to get "black girl," but she's two seconds away. Holly tells her sometimes you've got to do it. Maria just sits there since they're clearly going to gang up on her. But I think Holly has to also know Selita was the weakest, since she trusted Maria to work alone on something and was annoyed that Selita sat there doing nothing. In the boardroom, Ivanka says Holly was such a strong leader that it's hard not to fire her but Selita doesn't show any energy and she'd love to hear what she has to say. George says his feeling is you have to come to the boardroom ready to fight. Trump calls the ladies back in. He greets them with a furrowed brow, and then tells Holly it's a lot of pressure. She says she's bummed because she wants to make money for her charity. And she thinks she's a strong player and shouldn't be fired, so Trump asks her who should be. She says Selita's been strong, but George saw something that was weak. She says Maria's strong, but she's done things like call people out in the boardroom. Trump explains Maria lives in a tough word and Holly says, "Maybe it's a wrestler thing." Ivanka asks if Maria will do that to her, and Holly says yes, but she doesn't want to get rid of her; she just wants to stay. Maria doesn't agree she's like that. She also doesn't know why she's back, because she gave Holly two opportunities to come and look at the video she was editing. Holly says it's not true. Holly says Maria was ineffective in that room. Maria says that's not true.
Ivanka steps in and says this is off-topic, but she asks Selita how she feels about Maria calling her weak. Selita says it's fair; everyone's entitled to their opinion. They ask if she's weak, and she says she's not or she wouldn't have won $20,000 last week. She says she's able to be a team player. George tells her that if someone attacked him, he'd defend himself and her response has been lukewarm. She responds, lukewarm, "Absolutely." He tells her the players need to be strong and defend themselves. Trump agrees that the other two are both stronger than Selita, and Selita agrees, personality-wise. Trump asks Selita which one she'd fire, and she says Maria, because of the editing. WHICH IS NOT WHY THEY LOST, but whatever. It's a case of pointing the finger back at the person who pointed it at you, but she would have had a stronger case if she'd chosen, oh, I don't know, the woman who decided on everything in their losing task. Holly joins in and bashes Maria, who points out she made $10,000 for Holly's charity. Trump interrupts them and says that the thing is, Holly and Maria are both strong, tough, and smart, and he doesn't see the same fire in Selita, so... she's fired. She thanks him for this opportunity to bring awareness to her charity, and for winning $20,000. The women leave arm in arm, and Selita tells Holly she loves her and Maria that she respects her and she's fierce. Trump, George, and Ivanka all agree it was an easy decision.
Selita's taxicab confession: Her advice is to watch out for "that little conniving -- oh, did I say that out loud? -- Maria." She says she works with a lot of divas, but you don't have to be a negative person to get ahead. "Tacky." Head shake. Uh, yeah, Selita, that was tacky. week: Trace Adkins visits and talks about Bret's daughter's health issues. The task is to make over two young country artists. Cyndi and Maria seems to hate each other in the boardroom, and there's lots of Goldberg growling. Holly says "the kumbaya moment is over." No Sharon in sight.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, thinks sometimes it does help to be a negative person. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.