Previously: Sinbad and Cyndi proved detrimental distractions to their respective teams, but only Sinbad was thrown to the wolves for his shortcomings. Bret was a whiny bitch. Sharon coughed up a lung over a bunch of cupcakes. Darryl was admittedly lazy. And Blago loves balloons!
Upstairs, the guys put bets on who was fired. The smart money's on Bret, but as we know this is the celebrity edition of the show, so don't count on smarts being a factor ever. Bret and Blago return to the apartment, met by shocked expressions from all. Bret expresses his frustration to the others that he's been thrown under the bus from minute one (debatable). The pity parade carries on for some time as Bret speaks to the men later. Michael actually walks out on his ass, and the others trickle behind. Bret thinks that this if things aren't set right between him and the other guys, the team will crumble and fail. No out-of-control egos here, no sir. Credits.
The day, Maria takes her winnings to lunch with a kid named John Paul from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. He was diagnosed with leukemia when he was five years old but is thriving with the help of the foundation. Maria presents the 20-grand check to him. He's never seen so much money and is especially grateful. John Paul's wish is to meet Donald Trump (God save us all), and he's taken Trump's lessons to heart by opening his own stand, where made a whopping $14. Guess he hasn't learned the lessons about stepping all over your competitors and being a lying, cutthroat boil on the ass of humanity yet. Maria tells the kid that he's invited to the finale, and he'll get to meet not only Trump but the whole cast. Hopefully he gets more face time with, say, Summer Sanders than he does with Bret. There's nothin' good to be learned from that.
Back in Manhattan, the teams convene to learn this week's task. Before that, Trump asks Blago about the board room and whether he made the right decision. The Gov hems and haws and stumbles and stutters until Trump finally cuts him off and pats his own self on the back. Sheesh. , Trump mentions the danger of identity theft before introducing them to Todd Davis of LifeLock and Janice Chapin of Norton, two companies who are joining forces for the first time to ensure user safety on the Internet. The teams' assignment: Create a four-page advertorial to pimp the product in Time magazine and on Time.com. Additionally, the teams will choose one celebrity spokesperson to present the product. Executives will judge them on creativity, brand integration, celebrity spokesperson, and overall presentation. Trump says Don Jr. and Gavin Maloof, owner of Palms Casino in Las Vegas, will be his right-hand men this week. Summer immediately steps up for Tenacity, and Michael takes the reins for RockSolid. Like last week, the winning PM will get $20,000 for his/her charity.
Tenacity travels downtown to their photography studio. The executives arrive to run down the basics -- Norton offers online protection, while LifeLock offers offline protection. They say the comprehensive protection they're offering is one-of-a-kind and has never been available before. Key word: Protection. As you might expect, Cyndi starts in on the questions -- some more on-point than others -- and even cuts off the LifeLock guy at one point. Summer shakes her heads and VOs that time is too short for her anecdotes.
The executives then make their way over to RockSolid. Bret apparently decided to fill the void left by Sinbad in terms of endless, nonsensical jabbering. Curtis VOs that you need a leash for him. Michael is frustrated that he's not getting the information he needs, so he tries to steer the ship in the right direction at one point, but Bret speaks over him in order to bring up the financial crisis. Um? Not related to PC security? Then he yammers a bit about name changes until Curtis cuts him off to ask what the executives want them to avoid when creating their advertorial question. The LifeLock exec starts answering, and Bret cuts in again with another non sequitur. Making it all the more rich when he interviews later that he felt closer in that meeting than ever before to Michael -- yes, the same Michael who's shooting him dirty looks as I type. Why? Because he sat to him. It's simple osmosis, people! The executives try to leave, but Bret practically chases them out the door asking the most obvious, unhelpful questions he could possibly conjure. All the while, in his interview, he's all, "I wanted Michael to know that I was there for him." Michael, meanwhile, VOs that he has his work cut out for him controlling Bret this task.
Tenacity. Summer tasks Selita with handling the photo essay (advertorial) portion of the assignment, arousing some doubt from Cyndi because she thinks Selita is too young. Maria inexplicably nominates Cyndi for the role of spokesperson. Summer tries to tactfully sidestep that suggestion by saying Sharon should do it. She says Sharon's more accessible because Cyndi has such a "unique and extraordinary" (read: weird) look. She adds later that Cyndi talks for hours on end without actually making any coherent point (I'm paraphrasing here). Sharon agrees without much enthusiasm.
RockSolid. Michael wants to assign design and graphics to Bret, but Bret asks if he can be Michael's "right hand man." Michael says he should employ his right hand to do graphics. Bret says, "But you need to tell me when." Michael: "Now!" Hey, at least he can't claim he wasn't given direction this time. Michael VOs his biggest task as PM will be maintaining his patience. On that note, Bret comes back what seems like 30 seconds later with some seventh grade-style cartoon he's drawn that's a combination of Goldberg's body and the LifeLock emblem, which is somehow holding a baby? Even Goldberg says it's stupid. Michael redirects Bret to work only on the slogan and interviews that he's got to corral Bret's wild energy.
He moves on with trying to determine who will be the celebrity spokesperson. Darryl groans loudly on the couch, and it appears he might be settling in for his mid-morning nap! Michael thinks Curtis will be a good front man because cooking is hot right now. Blago suggests Michael is better known worldwide because he's a gold medalist, but Michael makes an executive decision to go with Curtis. His suggestion having been shot down, Blago argues that the team is "prematurely ejaculating" with their swift decision making. Silence. He VOs that Michael doesn't deliberate enough, and that was something he did very successfully during his governorship. Yeah, like all those times he deliberated with people who wanted to buy Obama's senate seat. Hours of deliberation there. Hours!
Tenacity brainstorms how to tell the story of identity theft through pictures. Maria stumps Summer when she asks what "scene" they're trying to show. She VOs that Summer isn't being clear enough as a leader. It doesn't help that every time she tries to formulate an answer or explain her thought process someone (I'm lookin' at you, Lauper!) interrupts. Sharon interviews that the tension and the overly competitive vibe is breaking them all down. She brings it up in the meeting to clear the air, but the others ladies pretty much cover their ears and start singing, "La la laaaaaa," like everything's fine and dandy.
RockSolid. The photographer arrives well before the team has developed their vision for the advertorial. Curtis throws out an idea: Michael Johnson may be the fastest man on the planet, and Goldberg may be the strongest, but they can't outrun or outmuscle identity theft. Then they show Curtis, who can avoid theft, going through daily life with this new Norton/LifeLock bundle. It's basic, solid concept. And they're short on time. I say go, go, go. Bret would be inclined to disagree. He thinks Michael has a "fetish" for Curtis and VOs that Curtis isn't the right face for security. He doesn't explain why. But seriously, Curtis is handsome and fairly relatable in that Californian-looking way. What more do you want, Michaels? Methinks the bandanna wig is getting itchy, and he's taking it out on the others.
Tenacity. Maria is walking out the door to get props. Holly volunteers to go with her, but Summer clearly wants Cyndi out of her hair. Cyndi says she should stay behind because she's very good with graphics, saying some of the most obvious, non-specific stuff about how the advertorial needs to look "serious" and also "aesthetically pleasing." I for one like my advertorials in mud brown fairy font. That's how I roll. After Cyndi's jabbering, Summer basically says to everyone but Cyndi why she needs them there to make it seem like Cyndi's the only option to go with Maria for the manual labor. But Cyndi won't even leave without a fight. Sharon notices the relegation and says some harsh words in her interview about how Summer disrespected Cyndi. She VOs that Summer's not perfect and should "shut the fuck up." Then she asks, "Did I really just say that?" Looks like someone's got a case of the Cyndis!
RockSolid. Michael charges Blago with creating a list of security threats from Norton's website. These are intern tasks, y'all. If he can't do that, then we are in trubbah. And, indeed. Blago literally can't even operate a computer. Cue some awesome dunce-y tuba music while Blago hunts and pecks on the computer. Michael scratches his head how Blago got to be governor of Illinois with this much ineptitude. Ladies and gentleman... politics.
Tenacity. As Summer struggles with the project's message, Sharon VOs she jumped up without knowing what she was getting into and isn't actually the right person to lead this task. The photographer arrives, and Summer tries to explain the project. It's a mess. Homegirl doesn't have the first idea what she's trying to show. The photographer urges them to work on their concept a little more so they can actually tell him what to shoot. Summer is all, "We didn't just tell you that?" Yikes.
Meanwhile, Cyndi and Maria are en route to the props. Cyndi indirectly shit talks Selita, but Maria doesn't take the bait. Maria VOs that Cyndi definitely should have been on the creative team. Cyndi notes snippily to Maria that she is a credited art director. They arrive at the prop house, and Cyndi immediately starts haggling. She ultimately snags at least $100 off. She credits some sort of weird face she makes, which looks more like "I just ate a bunch of prunes" than "Please cut me a deal." I say po-tay-to, you say po-tah-to...
RockSolid. Michael tells Darryl to get props and take Rod with him. Michael moans that it took Blago 30 minutes to type out a 50-word paragraph -- that wasn't even his assignment. He says his nine-year-old would have done a better job. Darryl and Blago make it downstairs, but there's a bit of a detour when Darryl needs a smoke break before he can even get in the van. Darryl admits he's not used to the 9-5 lifestyle. They finally get in the van and head toward the prop house, but now Blago causes the detours by glad-handing with every random passerby he meets. Interestingly, now Darryl starts harping on the schedule. The one he didn't care about earlier when he was getting his nicotine fix.
Tenacity. Don Jr. stops by when they're in mid-photo shoot. He immediately spots that Summer is fumbling to articulate the team's concept. Seriously, it's painful. Sharon VOs that a lot of time was wasted because no one person knew what they were going after. Nonetheless, the clock keeps ticking. As the pressure builds, the ladies go back to basics and decide Sharon will play the role of "The Protector." She'll be in the background of every shot to embody the power of the product. Sharon thinks she'll be a good visual representation of the product because "you can't sell [security] with tits and ass." I should make that my catchphrase.
RockSolid. The ladies peep in on Curtis getting ready to shoot the advertorial and make fun of him for always being in an apron. Curtis explains that he's a good brand ambassador because he does the same things normal people do every day (cook, shop, eat, etc.). Unlike Michael, for example, who puts on some seriously snug spandex for his shots, or Goldberg, who is fucking mammoth. I mean, I'm a muscle maniac outfitted in spandex on a daily basis, but I'm not your average recapper. Darryl, meanwhile, makes himself useful by ordering pizzas because he's admittedly too lazy to participate in the creative process. Goldberg poses for his shots, receiving warnings from the photographer that his strong face reads more like "fart," then seals the deal by smooching up on Michael and getting his "Goldberg goo" all over him. I think he meant sweat. At least I hope he did.
Tenacity. Cyndi regales Maria with tales of lifting Dennis Rodman while they carry props into the truck. On the way back, she compares herself to the Egyptian slaves since she's been sent off to pick up props for the last several tasks, then quips, "Now I know why Dennis Rodman started drinkin'." Awesome. She notes the upside to all the manual labor is she's losing weight. Maria loves her energy and VOs that it's an important to have that in their group.
Over at RockSolid, Bret flirts with the graphic designer. He thinks the advertorial is in great shape. Michael comes over to check up on him and worries that his advertorial looks too ad-like and not like four pages of Time magazine. They have a fundamental disagreement: Bret wants to be all rock star about it and think outside the box, using black backgrounds and flashy graphics. Michael wants to play it safer and use the same format as the example the executives handed them. Michael uses his PM veto power to force Bret's hand.
A bit later, Gavin Maloof arrives to see their progress. Michael shows him the layout they have so far, which features about one picture on the first page. Yep, one picture. That's all. Hopefully just a starting point. Maloof agrees that it's too wordy and, therefore, might not be quick and catchy enough for most readers. Michael is miffed that Gavin took up his time by not grasping his vision fast enough. He adds that he wouldn't change his vision for anyone at this point. I mean, it's not like Maloof was sent there to report back to Trump or anything. Michael = drunk on power.
Tenacity. As the photo shoot wraps up, the ladies worry that they took too much time because they still haven't written their editorial copy or put together their Powerpoint presentation. Multitasking shakes its head. Holly grows frazzled as she crunches against the deadline to put everything in on time. She admits she doesn't know exactly how it's going to look when they present it to the executives.
RockSolid. Bret and Blago frustrate everyone by nitpicking when they're trying to focus on the bigger picture and complete the project. Bret thinks the aesthetics are off, while Blago takes issue with some of the facts in the copy. Michael zones out their chatter and takes the lead to get everything finished. He and Curtis both VO that this is his baby, and he's got full accountability for it. Could go either way come boardroom time.
Presentations. Goldberg introduces Curtis "Truly a Wonderful Guy" Stone to the execs. Curtis explains he's the spokesperson because of his everyman allure in comparison to the other celebrities. He adds that he's been a victim of identity theft twice. The execs seem drawn in. Then Michael presents the word-heavy advertorial pages. Bret says he took on too much trying to read the pages and it didn't seem "real." Michael eventually wraps up his presentation, which seems to have taken longer than expected if you go by Darryl's sniggering point toward his watch.
The ladies present . Summer focuses on the fact that many things can be replaced, but identity can't. The execs smile approvingly. Things take a turn for the worst when the presentation won't show up on the screen. Summer rolls with the punches like a pro, pushing the message until the screen finally does light up. Summer turns it over to Sharon "The Protector" Osbourne, who manages to screw up the world "advertarial," say shit, and cough her lungs out within five seconds of taking the stage. So much for the good karma accrued during Summer's save. Maria worries this may have irretrievably lost the presentation for them.
After the presentations, Trump meets with the execs. They acknowledge that neither advertorial can run as-is. Tenacity didn't include enough education (a.k.a. words) with their emotional ad. On the other hand, RockSolid had too many words and some of their copy seems legally inaccurate. The execs say Tenacity had technical problems with their presentation and didn't put forward a "call to action." They enjoyed Curtis but think Goldberg would have been a better representation of security. Trump looks over both presentations and like them both. He asks who won, but we won't find that out yet.
The teams gather in the boardroom. Trump asks Michael who was the MVP. Michael claims everyone was great but singles out Blago as the weak link. Trump asks if Bret was hard to handle. Michael says not as much as he expected. Trump asks about Darryl, and Michael says Darryl took direction well. Trump turns to Blago, who says he's cautiously optimistic about his team's chance of winning.
Trump swivels to Summer. Homegirl lies like a dog that she loves everyone on her team, then passive-aggressively adds that she even loves those that she has issues with. Trump zeroes in on that and asks what some of her issues are. She calls out Cyndi for her "stories" and getting the team off track. Cyndi seems blindsided by it and says Summer is throwing her "under the track." Trump asks Holly about Cyndi. Holly agrees that Cyndi's "wordiness" can sidetrack the group. Cyndi concedes that, as an emotional person, she's a little hurt by the attacks but says she'll take them into account for time.
Trump hands Tenacity's advertorial to RockSolid and vice versa. Michael says Tenacity's looks more like an ad than an advertorial. Sharon and Holly say RockSolid's is like a newsletter. Cyndi tentatively asks, "Can I say something?" Trump notes her sudden inhibition, and Summer apologizes for hurting her feelings. Cyndi tries to make nice but defensively says she won't stick up for her anymore. She gets to her point that RockSolid's advertorial isn't visually gripping enough. It's a bit long-winded but pretty on-point, honestly. Nonetheless Michael chimes in, "I'm starting to understand Summer's point." Dick. It's pretty impressive how quickly these celebrities are falling apart. It's only the fourth task and half of them would probably leave the other half stranded in the desert if it came down to it. God help 'em in an apocalyptic situation. The farce of civility is lost, is what I'm saying.
Trump asks for Gavin's viewpoint. He agrees with Cyndi's point that an average reader won't spend the time to read this. Michael mistakes quantity for quality, arguing that if he's paying money for this ad, he should get as much information in as possible. Don jumps in to say that neither of their advertorials were perfect and that the ideal product would have been somewhere in the middle. Gavin wonders why the women didn't include a phone number on their ad. Summer admits they never thought of it.
Trump gets to the good stuff: Tenacity wins. They're obviously relieved but honestly don't seem that happy about it, considering the brewing strife between them. Summer gets emotional as she talks about her charity, Right to Play. Trump dismisses them to the apartment and gives special kudos to Cyndi. The women head upstairs, where Summer promptly apologizes to Cyndi for railroading her in the boardroom. Cyndi accepts her apology and promises to get to the point quicker in the future.
Downstairs, Trump and Michael agree it's a disappointing loss for the men. Michael takes ownership for the wordstravaganza but doesn't give credit to Bret for wanting to make it more about the visuals. Bret stays quiet for the moment. Trump asks why they chose Curtis. Michael argues that Curtis is more current because of his appearances on TLC and Biggest Loser. Trump thinks Goldberg would have been a better choice, but Michael says it was too obvious. Curtis acknowledges he's not necessarily the most recognized celebrity on a day-to-day basis but says that many brand ambassadors aren't megastars, so it "wasn't the worst choice." Ringing endorsement!
Trump wonders why Bret is uncharacteristically quiet. Bret weakly says no one's asking him questions, so he's letting others speak. Bret lies that he thinks they should have won, then contradicts himself by saying he didn't think their advertorial was better. He makes it clear that he didn't agree with Michael's visual choices. But he contradicts himself again when he says he told Michael how he felt "as a graphic designer," prompting Trump to ask, "Are you a graphic designer." Bret whimpers that no, he is not. Don snickers at this. Man, that dog lost his fight quick. Bret gets to the point that Michael was the PM, and it wasn't his position to argue with the PM. Trump asks if the guys are respecting Bret's ideas. Bret says sometimes.
Trump returns to Michael, asking again who the weakest player was. Michael reiterates that Blago was, though he does make it clear that Blago was not the reason he lost. Trump goes on a tangent about how Blago can't really fight for himself at the expense of others because he might alienate future jurors who are fans of, say, Darryl. I'm not sure Blago's thinking about this dumbass game on that level, but who's to say? Trump asks Blago what he contributed. Blago says he did anything that was asked of him but ultimately sidesteps the answer by saying he feels like the others might not be utilizing him enough because they're sensitive to his situation. He says he should have been more involved creatively instead of running errands.
Trump asks Blago who he would fire. He names Michael. Trump puts the same question to Bret, who agrees Michael should go but only because he was the PM. Trump asks Darryl, and Darryl turns the table to say that Trump should fire him (Darryl). This does not sit well with anyone, not even the girls upstairs, and even Michael says Darryl's not the reason RockSolid lost. Trump asks Darryl if he wants to be fired. Darryl says yes. He's tired and wants to go home. The girls express their annoyance that he's punking out on his charity. Trump says he's going to regret it and shouldn't be a quitter. Darryl tries to draw a fine distinction between allowing himself to be fired and actually quitting. He adds that he's trying to be a team player. Moreover, no one else wants to go.
The conversation spirals out of control because Darryl is even too lazy to admit that he's quitting. Michael inexplicably gets his nuts in a twist, saying he doesn't want to not get fired just because Darryl quit. Oh, put it back in your pants. Darryl reasserts that he wants to take one for the team. Despite his reservations that Darryl mainly wants to go home, Trump grants his wish. He warns Michael that he's not out of the woods yet. Michael is so twisted up in the (supposed) dishonor of getting to stay this way that he's practically trying to fire him, too. Trump finally tells him he got lucky and to shut up already. As Darryl leaves with a smile on his face, Holly sniffs that he's abandoned his charity (autism), for which she's also playing. So that base is still covered? Then quit your grousin'.
Back in the boardroom, Trump and his minions are still pretty shocked. In the cab, Darryl stands firm on his position. And good on him, I guess. If you're going to quit, quit that bitch right. Darryl Strawberry: Quittin' that bitch right since 2010.
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