One thing I'll say about the overedited production package that precedes the results shows: they always make the night's show look a lot more exciting than it was.
The judges come out via the aisles again, Jennifer wearing Morticia Addams's dress upside-down and backwards and Randy having upgraded his jewelry to a necklace that reads "YO YO YO." Eh, too easy. Ryan glad-hands some audience members in the front row, one of whom shrugs dismissively the second he turns his back, and then heads over to visit the top six on the couch-bleachers. Well, the top five and Elise, who's sitting far away from everyone else on account of how the world learned last night how much the other finalists hate her.
Ryan sits down to fill that gap, like this was planned, and tells us there were 58 million votes last night. And there will be performances from Katy Perry and Stefano tonight, half of which news seems to get the audience pretty excited. Ryan then introduces a band called The Queen Extravaganza, a tribute act put together by Brian May and Roger Taylor from Internet contest entrants. I used to know a pretty devoted Queen fan, and wherever she is tonight, I hope she doesn't have a gun. Myself, I don't know about this whole idea, but the guy they found to sing lead is eerie in his resemblance to what Freddie Mercury might have looked like today, with semi-fixed teeth, a 21st-century haircut, and middle-aged spread. Already the most overexposed cover band in the world, they perform "Somebody to Love," and at the end, the real Roger Taylor and Brian May are revealed to join in for an up-tempo conclusion. The Queen Extravaganza, everybody, on tour soon. But you've already seen them now, so never mind. They did earn a standing ovation from the judges and the top six, though.
The Ford Music Video is short and not over-the-top humiliating, just vaguely embarrassing with a "story" that features Skylar walking down the street while her fellow finalists do cheesy magic tricks with the aid of even cheesier special effects. More blush-making is the fact that they sent them all to TMZ to help them get used to what Harvey Whatshisname calls "people like us." The other TMZers then make fun of the top six to their face for a while. Okay, that was a waste of time. Bring your A-material, at least.
Back in the studio, Ryan tells us they'll be going down in pairs tonight, and the first one will be Jessica and Elise. During the clips of Jessica's performances from last night, Jimmy says that "Bohemian Rhapsody" was a mistake, especially the tri-Jessica on the projection screen. On the other hand, she did well on "Dance with My Father," and not just because of the cynical flogging of her dad's impending deployment. Not that he uses those words. Speaking of whom, it looks like Papa Sanchez in the audience, and not remotely happy about it. Ryan then introduces the Elise clip, in which Jimmy says she picked the wrong Queen song and came off like she was in a nightclub. And then the obscure Jimi Hendrix song was a "double-down on bad choice," and it fell apart with her vocal not integrated with the guitar like it was supposed to be. Back on the stage, Ryan natters about their reactions before taking his time telling them that one of them is in the bottom three. He tells Jessica, "Unfortunately it's not looking good...for the other five contestants." So she's safe, and Elise is heading back over to her vacation home.
After the break, Ryan gives some "breaking news" about the Idol tour, which will start in Detroit and tickets for which will go on sale Friday. But then, if you're reading this, you've probably already bought yours. Then the camera pulls out to reveal that Ryan's on the stage to Casey Abrams, who has got the hipster-hair going and warns Ryan and the top six against pranks while on the road. Then Ryan introduces Stefano from last year, who sings some over-choreographed boy-band crap called "I'm On a Roll." He's really not. So far, none of the alums from last year are making me regret missing Season 10.
By the time we come back, Hollie and Joshua are already front and center to Ryan. During Hollie's clip, Jimmy waggishly muses on whether she picked "Save Me" for a reason, but mentions that she blew it a little at the end. "Technically, it was a B+." He was more impressed with her performance of "The Climb," and says it was the best she could do. High praise indeed. Then Ryan introduces the Josh-clip, in which Jimmy compares Joshua to Gary U.S. Bonds, which is a pretty deep cut. But he thought Josh really showed his crossover appeal, and threatens everyone that if Joshua gets voted off tonight, this whole thing is fucked. Dude all but drops the mic. Then Ryan reads Joshua an incoherently typed Tweet from india.arie, who originally sang Josh's second song last night. I'll tell you which of these two is in the bottom three this week, and then I'll tell you about my favorite Idol-related Tweet from last night. Hollie's in the bottom three again, and Joshua is safe. Now this, from @JennyJohnsonHi5: "Most people don't know this, but Steven Tyler is made entirely out of labias." That's fucking entertainment, people.
Then a purple-haired Katy Perry comes on after the ads to star in an Army commercial that's to the tune of her song "Part of Me." It all goes down in stage fog so thick and deep it almost completely obscures the dancers. There's also a dance break that's supposedly shot with night-vision cameras, but it's obviously just a green filter because nobody's eyes are glowing creepily. Let's just say it doesn't exactly make me want to run out and enlist.
With only two finalists still awaiting news, we go to Skylar's clips from last night. Jimmy says she was "competent" on the Queen song, but calls her second song "a little self-indulgent," singing it to her home town and all. In fact, even though the judges thought she won the first round last night, "In my opinion, she got knocked out in round two." That earns him some boos once we're back in the auditorium just long enough to throw it to Phillip's clips from last night. Jimmy reveals that Phil's been having some health problems that are holding him back, and then unfavorably compares his performance of "Fat Bottomed Girls" from last night to that of Casey Abrams and Jack Black from last year. He also thinks Phil's Dave Matthews cover was a mistake, and that it might cost him his spot in the finale. But not this week, because when the lights go down, it's Skylar who's in the bottom three and Phillip who is safe. Ryan calls Hollie and Elise out to join Skylar, but the bottom three is barely together for any time at all before Ryan sends Skylar back to the couches, safe again. Wow, are these finalists getting worse? It seems like half of them were in the bottom three tonight.
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After the ads, we see all of the other finalists gathered around Hollie and Elise at center stage until stick-in-the-mud Ryan shoos the top four back to the couches and dims the lights. This one might actually be a squeaker, but finally, Ryan reveals that Elise is leaving and Hollie is safe. The reaction in the studio to this is pretty muted. Elise tells Ryan to tell everyone the good news, but first there's the farewell clip of Elise's greatest hits, including the webcam shout-out from Jason Segel that seems to be the highlight of her time on the show. But then, after it's over, Ryan reminds Elise that Stevie Nicks offered to hire her. And then he plugs the show coming on, mistakenly calling it "Touched," and finally lets Elise sing us out with "Whole Lotta Love." I guess that last part was the good news Elise was talking about.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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