Randy's new "who's gotta have it" catchphrase even makes it into tonight's preview/recap/promo thingy, so I guess it's arrived. After the credits, it's very loud and flashy in the auditorium as the judges and Ryan make their entrances, like an episode of Seizure-Inducing Robots. Ryan takes an informal poll of whom the people in the studio voted for, and it appears to be unanimous in favor of "WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Now that we have that preview of tonight's results, Ryan goes over to the top eight on the bleacher-couches to check in with them -- Joshua, in particular, who says that he's nearly blacking out every time he stands up. Ryan tells Joshua to let him know if he needs anything during the show. Not to have to stand up and sit down a lot, obviously, but it's not like that's going to happen.
Ryan then schmoozes over to the judge's table, promising performances from The Wanted and Kellie Pickler later, as well as plugging Jennifer's ¡Q'Viva live show, coming up in Vegas. Then they're about to play Jennifer's new music video, but not before Ryan embarrasses her about a male dancer who appears in the video with her. Then they play almost the whole damn thing, but if MTV won't show music videos any more, I'm sure as hell not going to recap them.
And of course then there's the weekly Ford music video, which you never would have seen on any other network ever anyway, in which they complete a painting of a street scene by grabbing things out of real life like the old Kids in the Hall "I'm crushing your head!" sketch. It's dumb and pointless but somehow less embarrassing. Or maybe I'm just developing a tolerance for these things. Scary either way.
Then back to the studio, where Ryan plays a Twitvid from some expat teacher in Vietnam who has forced his preschool classroom to record a message wishing Joshua luck. So now it's time to start with the results. Going in order of the duets from last night, Ryan calls down Jessica and Joshua, who declines Ryan's considerate offer to stay seated. He's clearly forgotten how long these clips from the night are. During the package, Jimmy also sounds a little stuffed up as he gives Joshua "tens all around," saying he's followed Jimmy's advice to rein it in a bit. And there's no better way to impress Jimmy than to listen to Jimmy. He thought Jessica did great like always, but didn't pick a strong enough song, so out of the two of them, Joshua won the night. Back onstage, Jessica says there weren't a lot of eighties songs that match her voice, but she did her best. Aw, poor Jessica, not being the favorite for once. Ryan starts with Joshua, saying he won't be happy...until he's back on the couch, because he's safe. Ryan tells Jessica they're working on the bottom three, "and you are the first person...to join Joshua on the couches." No suspense there, not for lack of trying.
Ryan introduces The Wanted singing "Glad You Came." So, uh, boy bands are back, looks like. Just thought you should know, even though one of them looks like Garret Dillahunt. And the female Idol dancers are rising to the occasion, looking very glad they came indeed. Hey, do you think anyone's aware of the title's double meaning? I bet I'm the first one to figure that out.
The Finder is in the audience, whom I'm able to recognize thanks to the fact that Fox showed a promo for The Finder immediately before cutting back to him clapping in the studio. Moving on to more results, it's Skylar and Colton's turn. Jimmy takes credit for talking Skylar out of doing "9 to5" last night instead of "Wind Beneath My Wings," and says that Skylar proved she belongs with Jessica and Hollie among the power singers. As for Colton, Jimmy thinks he was good not great, which is pretty accurate. Ryan asks Skylar if she was being overlooked, and she says her country thing doesn't always show off her full potential, but somehow not sounding like a tool when she says it. Ryan turns to Colton to remind him there was a vote, and then says, "Hang tight." Then he calls down DeAndre and Hollie to join them. Jimmy says Hollie sounded like a poor high school performer last night, and says she'll probably be in the bottom three again this week. "In fact she may be fighting with DeAndre this week." Spoiler!
Speaking of DeAndre, Jimmy says he needs to grow and was the weakest of the boys last night. Basically he dares Jennifer to save DeAndre tonight. Back live, the judges stand by the kudos they gave DeAndre last night, like there's any reason not to. Ryan also puts DeAndre and Hollie on the spot, and after making them respond to comparisons to other singers, Ryan turns to DeAndre and says America agreed with Jimmy; he's in the bottom three. Looks like DeAndre's sister is in the audience, taking over his crying duties for the week as DeAndre becomes the first to hit the loser-stools tonight. Then Ryan doesn't fuck with Colton at all as he tells him he's safe. Roommates Skylar and Hollie are both left at risk to return to the bottom three after being there last week, and unsurprisingly it's Hollie who joins DeAndre. Still one left to go, but obviously we're in no hurry.
Ryan introduces Idol alum Kellie Pickler singing her song "Where's Tammy Wynette?" Where indeed? Kellie sings it with a twang that makes Skylar sound like Madonna, and then chats with Skylar and Ryan afterward. But how did she get here so quick from The Big Bang Theory? Apropos of nothing, Joshua and Elise are nowhere to be seen. Presumably she's holding his hair backstage somewhere.
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After the ads, it's time to "find out" whether Elise or Phillip is going to fill out the bottom three. Over the clips of Phillip from last night, Jimmy says this was Phillip's worst performance, and was only good. "It's very difficult to push yourself when everybody's telling you you're so great," Jimmy says. Are we talking about me now? No, actually Jimmy's saying that the other contestants are going to catch up with Phillip unless he starts stretching a little. Which we all know isn't going to happen, so it's just a matter of time for Phil. As for Elise, Jimmy disputes Steven's claim that her song was the wrong one for her, and assures us that Elise sang it incredibly all the way up to when she actually hit the stage. "It's called an old-fashioned choke," Jimmy declares.
Back live again, Ryan asks for Elise's response to that, and her defense is basically that she just got too into it. Only she uses waaaay more words than that. When Ryan turns to Phillip, he says he's just trying to be himself, not walking around the stage and touching people's hands. Which I don't think was really the question, and when it becomes an all-purpose defense it kind of starts to lose some of its much-needed authenticity. Also, way to dis your fellow finalists, dude. It's going to be a long ride back to the mansion tonight. The lights come down, and Ryan tells Elise that she's in the bottom three and Phillip is safe. So that's Hollie, DeAndre, and Elise in the bottom three. Ryan tells us we'll find out who'll sing for survival "right after... Hollie goes back to the couches." Nobody saw that coming, least of all Hollie, who's a little slow on the uptake before finally heading back across the stage.
Coming back, Ryan's at center stage with DeAndre and Elise. Ryan asks for the judges' feedback on the bottom two. Steven diplomatically says he doesn't think America got it right, but Jennifer and Randy both say "Half and half." Subtle, since they've already backed up DeAndre tonight. The lights come down one more time, and DeAndre is the one who'll be singing again, because Elise is safe. Okay, that's a bit of a curveball. DeAndre spends most of Ryan's speech apparently sending encouraging looks to his sister from the stage, and then bops right into the Stevie Wonder song he did a few weeks ago. Oh, and walking around the stage and touching people's hands, just like Phillip doesn't.
After he's done, he puts his hair back to wait for the verdict while Ryan reminds us that DeAndre was a wild card pick to begin with, and asks Jennifer if they're going to use their one save on him. The audience chants "save," but Jennifer gives a speech preparing DeAndre for bad news before concluding, "I only get one vote. I'm sorry, we're not saving you tonight." Ryan pins her down on that, getting her to specify that she voted to save him and the others didn't. So it's time for DeAndre's farewell reel. He says American Idol will always be the highlight of his life. Let's hope not, for his sake. Who wants to peak at 17? Personally, I was so far from my peak at 17 that... well, I'll let you know when I get there.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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