Tonight's pre-credits opening is photo-themed, segueing from one of the finalists' endlessly redundant photo shoots to onscreen text about how a photograph captures a moment, and the top five's moment is now -- but! "Someone's moment ends tonight." Maybe get a better camera, then.
After the credits and the entrances, Ryan tells us that Coldplay and Carrie Underwood are performing tonight, and then directs our attention to the top five, looking rather sheepish as they already sit on the front row of the couch-bleachers. Ryan wastes less time than usual, calling Joshua to center stage. After clips of his performances and gushing praise from last night, Jimmy says Joshua was the one to beat last night. He's most amazed about what Joshua did with "To Love Somebody," kicking its ass after spending fifteen minutes learning it, a feat he compares to Randy Jackson going out and winning the Kentucky Derby. After that, Ryan chats on the stage with Joshua, who is somehow both being modest and talking about what kind of records he'll want to make at the same time. Then, when the lights go down, Ryan doesn't even bother coming up with a suspenseful announcement -- just a long pause before giving the un-shocking news that Joshua is safe. So that means everyone else but one will be in the bottom three, right? That seems like it'll get harder and harder to avoid.
Okay, these Ford Music Videos have got to stop, seriously. This one is about how they drive out to the country and step through a magical door that turns them all into Renaissance drag queens or something, chasing after a golden guitar and a golden egg. I keep thinking they'll run out of ideas for these things, but they're clearly running with absolutely anything they can come up with.
Here's a little blasphemy for you: I neither love nor hate Coldplay. I can take them or leave them most of the time. Their performance tonight of "Paradise," on a set covered with fluorescent graffiti that looks like the paint-party scene in Miss Congeniality, does nothing to change that. Pretty much the only thing that holds my attention is trying to figure out why Chris Martin appears to have a The Matrix cable jacked into the base of his skull.
More results: Ryan calls down Phillip and Hollie, and I guess we're not doing a bottom three any more, otherwise we'd already know that at least one of them would be in it even before Ryan rolls the clips from last night. Jimmy thinks she pulled off "River Deep, Mountain High" by paying homage to Tina Turner rather than taking her on, and gives her a little less credit for her version of "Bleeding Love," but thinks she's safe this week. Ryan asks her about her boost of confidence, and she says she realized it was time to step it up. On to Phillip's clips, and after a replay of his ear-punishing "Time of the Season" from last night, Jimmy starts out by giving Phillip credit for not quitting the competition despite his "health problems," which, as far as I can tell, aren't keeping him out of anything but the Ford Music Videos. Dude is sick like a fox. That said, Jimmy thinks both his songs were bland last night, and that he's been coasting. He thinks Phil will be in the bottom two but survive the week, even though he seems to think Phil should be gone based on last night's performances alone. Back from the clip, Ryan confiscates the gum Phil's chewing. Phil puts it on the envelope in Ryan's hand, Ryan pretends to throw it at Jimmy in the audience, and Jimmy pretends to catch it and chew it. "Still there," Ryan says. Thanks for destroying the magic, Seacrest.
Ryan orders the lights dimmed and says, "Hollie... unfortunately you're in the bottom two tonight." Phil is sent back to the couches, safe, while Hollie goes over to a stool that must be formed to her ass by now.
Ryan introduces Carrie Underwood, who is singing the title song from her new album Blown Away. She sings it from a pedestal on center stage, barely moving and dressed to be a virgin sacrifice. The wind machine practically outperforms her, for God's sake. The judges give her a polite standing ovation anyway though, and Ryan comes out to let her plug her upcoming tour before going to the ads. Jimmy may have to redefine his definition of the word bland after that.
Ryan calls Skylar and Jessica front and center. Starting with Skylar, Jimmy says Skylar's nice and all, but you know she wants to kick everyone's ass. He's not convinced she had a handle on the lyrics of "Fortunate Son," and the staging of the Dusty Springfield song was silly enough to make it his least favorite performance of hers ever. Ryan puts her on the spot about how she'll win the night if she gets another chance, and she says something about picking something more rocking and a bigger ballad. She adds that she'll need to figure it out, even though it sounds a lot like she already has. As for Jessica, Jimmy thought her performance of "You Are So Beautiful" was magnificent, but calls her "Proud Mary" a travesty. He regrets not helping Little Steven talk her out of it, and especially had issues with the grown-up (read: tiny) dress she had on during the performance, and accuses the stylist of torpedoing her. What, no picture-in-picture of Tommy Hilfiger in the audience? Ryan comes back and asks Jennifer for her take on Jessica's look last night, and she admits that it could be a bit much for us here in Flyoverland.
Time for the results, and Ryan slowly tells Jessica she's safe, while Skylar joins Hollie in the bottom two. Isn't it early in the show to have all the contestants split into tops and bottoms? Not to worry; Coldplay's coming back. After a shitload of ads, obvi.
There's an abrupt return to the live show which catches Ryan and Jennifer in the audience talking to Jimmy. After a moment of awkwardness, Ryan lets Jennifer introduce the encore from Coldplay, which is "Every Tear Is a Waterfall." Has anyone checked on Chris Martin's health lately? Because he's singing most of this song doubled over for some reason. Maybe he's caught what Phillip has. Also, the producers are clearly taking this opportunity to test-fire the confetti cannons they'll be using for the finale. Oddly, though, as Ryan throws it to the break, neither Hollie nor Skylar looks as happy as the festive atmosphere might seem to suggest.
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After the break, Ryan talks about the hundred thousand people who auditioned this year, and now we're about to go from the top five to the top four. Ryan makes Skylar and Hollie wait even longer while he gets reactions from the judges. Randy says he's sad every Thursday, and that this is the best top five ever; Jennifer says everyone's been telling her how much they enjoyed last night's show, but it's a tossup; and Steven agrees that there's never been a better top five and thanks them for "letting us feel the music." I'm glad that sentence ended the way it did.
For the final results, Ryan says that sixty million votes decided it -- and Skylar is going home tonight. Jennifer makes a face like she ate something bad, but she and the other judges give Skylar her last standing ovation while Skylar and Hollie hug all the way into her farewell montage. Which is surprisingly short on Colton, given the manufactured story about how they totally weren't dating. Ryan yields the stage to Skylar for her valedictory performance of "Gunpowder and Lead," which she even gets to finish before the credits are over. At least she had fun there at the end. Now she can get back to her mud-riding.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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