Sad music and silly graphics -- "In the end the love you take" et cetera -- and our kids in white. Of all the boombastik openings (and yes, there will be a robot owl cameo in Clash, but only a cameo) this one is sort of the most amazing. Angelic light on everybody, Jackson screaming "BELIEVE! BELIEVE!" and lots of hugs, followed by weird circular camera work on everybody, followed by live-action heaven lights on Ryan, is a great way to start. Color me impressed, insofar as this show sometimes gets ridiculousness right, in the same way that a blind squirrel -- or Mike Lynche -- occasionally gets ridiculousness right.
Will we use POV? TiK ToK because it's only until Top Five that they can use it. But first, Jason Derulo doing the best version of that rapper thing he does, Rihanna being no doubt, and Archuleta edging toward pubescence. Kara looks pretty great in a maroon cutout top with scarf/choker, which is a look I don't usually love. Simon's donating "tight clothes," per Ryan, to IGB, and then apparently we learn that part of this huge IGB thing is giving somebody a record deal. The others are giving other things that are very exciting; Ryan's contributing hair product (with a side of self-awareness!) and Kara and Simon joke about giving away singing lessons after his totally uncalled-for bash on her voice last night.
Beatles Medley! Worth watching, weirdly. Lee comes out singing through his nose to the point where he sounds vocoded. Actually, as much as this doesn't seem lip-synched, maybe it is. Aaron, I thought he was Siobhan until I looked up. Casey sounds the best, of course, along with Katie, who looks fucking amazing tonight. They're all dressed in Mila's best one-trick color-blocked Piccadilly Square monochromatic mod pop explosion, which suits everybody for sure, and then Crystal and Siobhan rock out the verse on "Fool On The Hill" before things get stupid again, and what. It's a medley. Siobhan is so fucking bad at lip-synching that it becomes an inadvertent stance against lip-synching. Crystal's wearing white cowboy boots that brilliantly pull the mod idea Soxward. She has, I think, a talent for this rivaling Adam's. I mean, she's being the Adam this year obvs, but there's performing and then there's branding, and I always thought he would be the best at that, but Crystal is like if you took Bo Bice and gave him Lambert's sense of self-promotion. But now that I'm back in love with Casey, it's hard to think about that way, because he's really just the girl version of Crystal.
Ryan acts and introduces this shit like it's related, but then he compares the Clash premiere last week to... the Ford pimpmercial. Which is like the worst of the Gap ads had a baby with kaleidoscopes. Not the best thing that ever happened on this show. Forgettable for them, and the audience, as it is for us.
Casey's ready to rock, Tim looks like the secret sexy member of the Shins, Katie's a "little" nervous -- meaning not at all nervous -- and Ryan, in deference to her cyborg upbringing, promises to "activate" the results. Stand up, Siobhan. Basically, you didn't suck like last week, but you're still running on fumes. Kara was unsure about it, even though her outfit was adorable and her answers to the Judgery were less snotty than authentic and intelligent. Ryan brings her to the Seal, as her tight-lipped fear factor suggested. ? Crystal stands up, looking cute in a goth-at-yuppie-club outfit with netting shoulders, and she is also on the Seal.
Hmm. Are we doing the Huff? Because Crystal is safe as hell. , Katie stands, whose "Let It Be" was so good every single blogger shit him or herself. She says she was singing it for the Alzheimer's factor, and may still cry about it. I wish we were friends. You might think I would say "little sister" or some condescending nonsense, but I really just think she's cool. I think we could have good talks about being robots and whatnot. Randy says none of the three on the Seal, now including Katie, should go home, and the crowd is so retarded they start booing before he speaks. Ryan sends Crystal back to the couch, leaving Siobhan and Katie. Both of whom have not given us lately compelling reasons to stay... And they're both safe too. Awesome. That was actually well done, for once, and not cruel at all. I like getting dessert right up front.
So that's the ladies, all of them safe, but first Derulo. Which I don't know what to say about him except for how he hiphopped this song with which I've had history for a long time, and so when his single came and refused to leave I had all this backed-up theory when people asked me if I knew what the backup track was. Ryan formally announces Adam's mentoring week, and there's a maybe-fake/maybe-real moment where Katie spazzes about that, and they braid each other's hair about how great Adam is, and then we pretend that Jason Derulo is a star.
Well, he was signed by Kara, so that matters and makes me happy. On the other hand, he's singing a medley of his own: The song we were just talking about, and some other song. I don't know what to say about him except that tonight, I love him. This other song, I didn't catch the name but you probably know since "Whatcha Say" was a single a half-year ago, it's really good. Lots of fire and jumping onstage, which are two things I adore. Wow, honestly. Great performance. I thought last week's Diddy Lovefest was a special case, but honestly, this is just as great as last week. What if this show were just... Relevant? I need some teen friends. Well, creepy. But not as creepy as this show being my teen friend, which is how it's working out. Superaboundingly lame b&w stop-motion camera fuckery, but it doesn't really matter, because the song is exciting and the show itself is brilliant and I am coming to you chopped and screwed, if we're being honest.
Kara says he's a good songwriter and managed to put together this (Extra, isn't it? Rihanna is the star here and Archie is the Idol Alum, so why's he here?) little show in four days, so why? Are you urgent replacement, or just filler? Was there another, a fourth musical act, that fell through? Don't care, loved it. But if it was like Gwen Stefani and she couldn't make it do to a diagnosis of terminal sucking...
And back, speaking of gaywads, to Archuleta. I mean, God love him and one day he'll be a pinup, but at least it makes sense: David A is the spirit animal of Beatles Night, so of course he's here. He looks about sixteen these days, and his falsetto is doing a shitload better, but mostly aren't you just glad nobody sang "Imagine" this year? Wasn't that the Dementor over your shoulder all last night, breathing its icy exhalations? Well, if it was -- and it was -- you'll be happy to note that David does his best, and maybe one of the best, covers of the song at this point. It's nice to see his silly little face and hear that medically questionable, beautiful voice coming out of him. He makes me believe, a little bit. I can at least imagine him being a grownup one day, which is not something I ever thought I would see. Oh, little Boo! Well done. Seriously.
Bleep-bloop over the usual talky, and Ryan kicks him sideways so we can deal with the Boys, and here we go. Six guys, three Bottoms so to speak, one loser. Lee, as somebody on the boards memorably said, should have had a bear on a unicycle come out, which is exactly brilliant. He talks about what it's like being my Joe Reid's dream lover slash identical twin, and then goes to some location on the stage. Big Mike stands up, talks about how Broadway is amazing and he's a cottage industry that is actually the size of a cottage, and takes his place on a second location on the stage. Oh girl.