Stand up, Casey, with your face-framing loose Farrah curls, and Aaron stand up, and Andrew looking an absolute fucking prat with his green check shirt and matching effing bowtie. Casey, we sort of enjoy what you do, but wish you would do something else also. Aaron, you look the best you've ever looked, but have no place here. And stop licking your chops, you look deranged. Andrew, you're the worst goddamn thing since Lilly. What's that like? "Go with whatever goes!" Thanks for sharing your "thoughts" with us, you pointless piece. With your face, and your ways.
Two people going home, one and only one of whom is on the Seal right now... And it's Andrew. I hope Ryan asks the Judgery if America was right, and I hope they say that Andrew should have his lights punched out. First, some song I don't even remember but at least reminds us how your voice is pretty, even if the rest of you is sickening. Bleep-bloop over that, not to mention his no-doubt touching thank you speech from way up inside his own ass, while we consider that Casey (not a surprise) and Aaron (total surprise) are safe. That's nice, in some ways, but also scary because who does that leave? Not thinking about it until I have to.
...Oh, right. Justin Gaston. Ex-statutory rape boyfriend of Miley Cyrus. (In other words, "Honorary Cyrus.") He's sort of fine, if you like 'em Nashville Star-style, but mostly I just want to know where he gets off being in the same room as Brooke White. Or where Ryan gets off calling Andrew's ouster "bad news" in any way. Or why we have to watch Elliot and Kara run around Africa with orphans thanks to Exxon and some other vicious company. Watching Kara deal with the African horrors is a lot more legit than watching most of the people walking around hell that we usually see -- remember when Carrie Underwood pied-pipered those kids through that graveyard? -- although nothing will ever bring it home more than watching Ryan and Simon cry on each other that one time like they were trying to become one single sexy upset entity.
I'd be scared to go on one of these because I think it would break me open and I feel like no matter how many times we watch them run around in the horrors it's never going to be -- on our side of the screen -- much more than Gwyneth Paltrow attempting to feel something, but I don't know. I think probably the reason people can't describe their experiences in situations like that is that there aren't words. Any case, I wish Kara made it easier to like her, because I really like her.
Justin Gaston has undergone a serious transformation between what I thought he looked like and his appearance on this show right now. He looks like a frightened monkey, from the cast of Merlin, wearing KISS boots. Just wretched. Also, he sings like fucking hell. Brooke is clearly just pleased as punch simply just to be here and doing her usual professional job, but the song is depressing and boring and boyfriend cannot sing and has serious Cro-Mag eyebrows. It's like his look is trying to remind us that even though he was once cute, his fingers smell like teen spirit and there's no coming back from that, morally. Even if the spirit in question was broken/put away wet, long ago. Brooke's happy to see Ryan, and Justin's happy to babble about nothing, and they have an awkwardness three-way while dressed like they're from the Phantom Zone, and then back to the actual show.
Okay, Aaron and Casey are safe but that's it. Aaron is dealing with this truth but it seems like a challenge for him. Here we go, Bottom Row. Tim, Crystal, Mike, Katie, Siobhan, Lee. Hmm. Lee "nailed" it, and informs us that when he is onstage, he is performing. Thanks, Lee. Keep it zipped as much as possible. Siobhan looks fabulous, Kara and Simon were frustrated by her. Katie, how you doin' Katie, Katie she was a bit annoying, "horny," and "sassy." Ryan asks if she's showing other sides of herself and she goes, "Again, as I've said before: Yes." Love that girl.
Big Mike looks like ten tons of annoying in a two-ton sack. He did a strong, boring thing last night, and w/r/t the POV last week, he is "grateful" and uses the word "moment" thirty times but "blessed" nary a one. Crystal went back, Jack, and did it again; she was the second coming of Bonnie Raitt. Tim's hair still hasn't figured it out, but last night he did his best thing ever, but hates references to tequila in reference to himself, and is a former Zero who has turned Hero.
Crystal is safe, and does something queer with a harmonica to celebrate. Perhaps she, like Adam last night, is high. Siobhan is safe! YES! Lee, you sang the song that sent DAUGHTRY home but you didn't know it. Ryan pulls him away from the group for a little chat-and-wander, and then they sit on the couch together because he's safe. My guess? Ryan wasting a bit of time. So that leaves Tim, Mike and Katie. Tim's gotta be safe, right? And the other two have been B3 a bunch of times. Mike, it was fine but he's not memorable, and I can't help but assume that Katie is the new Twilight for tweens, right? That's who's voting? So maybe if the POV proves once again to be a waste of time, in practice, we'll have to find some other way to make Wednesday nights totally fascinating? That sounds real tough, fellas.
Fucking Alicia Keys will be the mentor week, so let's all get hyped for that.
Adam Lambert teleports onto the stage in a column of swirling green light and rainbow lens flares in the darkness. It would seem that smoke machines and lens flares are yet another thing Adam can make do entirely new things you've never seen before. It looks like a chemistry experiment with different space liquids, taking place at the end of a wormhole to Planet WTF. By the time the song kicks in -- it's a pretty good song -- the stage has pretty much gone crazy, but in this weird murky way where it's more like nothing is happening onstage at all. It's a laser show, yeah, but I feel like the desired effect was something else entirely.
Would you say this is the perfect song Adam envisioned when he wanted to make a record? I always wonder about that, and he's such a special little individual that it could be literally anything and I'd buy it. Mazurka, fine. Bagpipes would not go amiss. But there's this sort of space-synth sub-Bravery thing happening... It's real nice but I kind of expected a beat of some kind. The drums here are generic rock fills and basic timekeeping, and it's distractingly normal. I'm not asking for house music or Gaga, but if this feels old and boring and stadium it's because of the lack of percussional forethought.
Well, he's pretty balls-out so I can't see him going with the producers and doing whatever they say, but it's still not... Dog and pony laser show to distract you from the essential budget cardboardness of the song. That's not Adam -- especially not after the last two or three weeks of really exciting guest appearances (like Diddy and Derulo and even Rihanna) -- and is sort of the main reason I forget about them once they're off the show. It's a choice, because of things like this. He'll have his Kelly Clarkson moment, his "Battlefield" or whatever, but if this is his "Breakaway" I can be okay with that for a year or more. Especially if he's making money because he deserves a bunch of money.
Who's safe? Obvs Tim, as the entire audience informs Ryan, and just like magic Tim's hair shoves itself back into cuteness. So between Michael and Katie, Ryan lets us know that he's played yet another cheeky trick: One of them wasn't even B3 this week. They just implied it, as they so often do. So that makes me think Katie's out, because of the two of them Mike's got POV momentum and two great performances (counting the POV song, if you see what I'm saying), to Katie's one so-so performance. But this show is nuts. So let's see... Katie's out. That makes sense. I will miss her, and her harsh little powers.