By Jacob Clifton | Season 10 | Episode 12
"Molly DeWolf Swenson is now following you on Twitter" is the kind of thing that might scare the shit out of a less secure man -- given her abilities, connections, marksmanship -- but I have been doing this job a very long time and I like the super-capable ones the best anyway, so we'll just leave at that: You take a shower before effing hours three and four of the recappapalooza that is this show this week, every week, and you think the idiotic cliffhanger of whether or not Chris Medina has broken J. Lo's soul, Brittenum style, you think that's the most exciting thing that's going to happen... And then you fire up the old Gmail.
Mostly for this show I hear from Moms. Moms of winners, Moms of the eliminated. Moms of hicks I called hicks, Moms who take me to task for calling their children possibly racist because -- get this -- it's a very dangerous accusation because of what "they" will do. Moms who miss the point, Moms who totally get the point, Moms who laugh and Moms who cry. Mostly Moms who discovered the internet today, and how it is chock full of information. But only one Molly DeWolf Swenson, because there will only ever be one Molly DeWolf Swenson. I miss her so much, you guys. It was going to be beautiful.
...Okay, but so how is J. Lo? How's Lopez coping with all this pressure? Well I'll tell you: So very -down is her melt- that even Ryan seems to think it's a little ridiculous:
"Production has come to a halt," Ryan says. "J. Lo is at an emotional crossroads." Randy and Steven cock-blocked her and sent Medina packing, "And now she is questioning everything."
The lights swoop, the clock ticks, Meredith Grey delivers a monologue on the importance of a single hour. The sun passes over like an ASL forearm. J. Lo is not getting it together. Jacee sheds those pounds and gains six inches and kicks sand in Junebug's face and Junebug holds his hands up to heaven and is like whyyyy. Still no.
Ashley Sullivan writes a letter to the judges from the booby hatch with, like, her face on MC Skat Kat's body and three different balloons coming out of the mouth congratulating her on being the American Idol and also her recent marriage and also that the charges were dropped. J. Lo's still not quite ready.
The kids get bored. Lauren Alaina has a daughter who is 46 years of age, because their family has Button-Matryoshka syndrome. Brett Loewenstern completes his O.W.L.s and starts on studying for his N.E.W.T.s. J. Lo takes off her sunglasses and throws them in the ocean, grinds her feelings into powder, and that's that. Showtime.
| Season 10 | Episode 12
Ryan calls cute little Karen R. "darlin'" -- loves her energy, imagine Ryan Seacrest telling you that you have "the best energy" -- and holds her hand and they all clap for her, and then it's the walk of death. She had all that giant hair when she was in the first audition, and looked about thirty and hot, but now she looks twelve. Sometimes in the middle. She sang with Jovany and sang a sultry solo of some J. Lo song, and then in her last solo she sang a Selena song that made J. Lo cry -- because of when she was Selena -- and that was probably the prettiest song she sang. J. Lo reminds her that she did not rock in the middle of the competition, and then puts her through because she covered a J. Lo song. (J. Lo is kidding about this. Probably.)
Robbie -- about whom Joe R says, beautifully, "Always a haircut away" -- is all of the Outsiders at once, and has the smile of the perfect boyfriend, and so it happened that he solo'd on a sexy breathy Spanish guitar-sounding song about, like, love or some shit. "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word (Strummy Strum Strum Remix)." It was not that great. I like him behind a piano, not doing these Leona Lewis runs and barely scraping the bottom of his register on the street. Steven talks about genitals and puts him through. I think I am not as into him as I have been. J. Lo believes that he is one of the best singers, but her smile doesn't reach her eyes when they talk about Robbie. Let's keep an eye on that, because neither does Ryan's.
Also, from the ads it looks like Casey Abrams is going to throw down at some point, which is weird because I was pretty sure he was in the Top 24. Also, he went to the hospital Wednesday or Thursday so if he is in the Top 24, that sucks because they're taping Top 12 Men today, and if he gets DQ'd from that then my nightmare is that Chris Medina will come back, and inevitably it is my nightmare that occurs. Plus, you know, I kind of love Casey Abrams more than anybody that has ever been on this show, to the best of my recollection.
(Times like these I think, "I really should have Ryan Seacrest's phone number so I could ask him about these very important things," and then I think, "That is what a crazy person would say.")
The girl Tatiana Sandinista Whatever This Shit Is Two Hours Long -- the one that jacked up all that stuff in her hair and then emoted through no words whatsoever of the Dolly Parton song, and goes ooooo a lot, Tatynisa is her name -- comes to see the judges and babbles at them like she is having a fucking breakdown right there on TV, and Randy reminds her how much she has sucked this whole time, so she starts crying, but like she's still manic? So the tears are shooting out of her eyes on the horizontal plane.
| Season 10 | Episode 12
And but so then they put Tatynisa through, to have even more bipolar episodes and even more stupid junk in her hair and why? Because she is gorgeous and has a pretty voice and a slammin' bod, duh. American Idol. The sweet but poorfaced Brittany and gigantic Jimmy Allen are sent packing. Who? That's right. Now, what is going to happen? Anything of import?
Well, kind of, in that Tim Halperin is going to be hot all over the place some more and we are going to remember all the stuff he does all the time. J. Lo asked him if he has any beliefs or a personality, and he responded by singing an original song about, um, I don't know. A blunted physical sensitivity, from the words that jumped out at me. Like something you might buy in a gas station bathroom.
Steven asks him A) Why he is wearing a rape whistle around his neck, and B) What his, like, deal is. Tim still doesn't really have a "deal" per se, and pretty much admits that, and he's like, "I'm adorable and I like to sing. That's my gimmick. Please don't push me. I'm the Guy Named Tim that is on every season of this show, being hot and Named Tim." They're like, "Good answer. Go hug all the people." And so he does.
And now his partner, my girl Julie Z! You remember, her parents were super wealthy in Colombia and then moved here to be super wealthy not in Colombia, and it was tough. Then she played simple piano and did the song about... I don't know. Bareilles DioGuardi Vanessa Branch toodlings. Meredith Grey does a monologue about the importance of singer-songwriters. J. Lo then also does that same monologue and asks my girl Julie Z whether she has a soul or a connection to music or whatever, like she's this Franzen character with hidden depths that we are not yet reaching. Girl, it's Julie Z!
So then J. Lo fakes her out and puts her through, and she nearly drags Ryan down to the floor on top of her, and then they both freeze because it's wicked inappropriate, and then they both feel like total jackasses and retreat to corners as far away from each other as possible, and it's incredibly cute. They're going to be fun to watch.
You know what's super ironic? The way everybody spent last week bitching, the exact same way and in the exact same words as everybody else, about how unoriginal the Lady Gaga song is. That's ironic.
Ryan Seacrest, Scotty, John Wayne. Sitting on a couch. Saying each other's things. Ryan does a twangy "baby lock 'em doors" and Scotty is not terribly amused, and then we see Scotty's ass from six angles and how hard it was for him in LA, and how he engaged in the ritualistic murder of Jacee and then fucked up the Dolly words, and then for his song he sings... Not the song about doing it, but another song he knows, a song about trains.
| Season 10 | Episode 12
His voice kind of does a Thing to me. I don't want to talk about it. Let's not mention it again.
Also, he is a quarter Puerto Rican which his grandmother wanted J. Lo to know. That is adorable. Grandma + Anything is like an automatic score multiplier. In the Chair he beats the Jacee horse a whole lot more and even tells us about how he went home and cried in his hotel bed about it because he felt like such a dick, and then they put him through. Randy, once again, is the easiest bitch. He's like, "I love that he stepped up ... again."
I can't wait until Top Ten -- he's not getting much further than that -- when Scotty's still playing the Jacee card, and America is so fucking stupid that they go after Junebug about it. Can't you see exactly that happening? Jacee seems like a plus for Scotty but really it's a minus for Junebug and that's all he is. Chubby little football. And Christ knows Scotty probably did lie in bed crying that night, with the California moonlight drawing noir stripes across his face and those ears he's got, probably that did happen, so who am I to say. Probably he was shirtless when this was happening.
John Wayne, though, is gone. I'm fine with that, I guess, although I was looking forward to more of his parents' friendly homophobic offers to scare Ryan straight. And also looking at their kid a whole lot.
Let's see what's going on with Jovany, shall we? The Channing Tatum of this show? The abdominal thing where we had to look at Randy and Steven unclothed? For which he will never be forgiven? That Jovany. Who is in the Top 24, because there always is one.
Twelve spots left. In the three hours of this week, we have filled exactly twelve spots. Fabulous.
victim? Lauren Turner, the mom-looking one from NOLA with the pretty hair. She did some kind of let's bone song that had Steven Tyler's face going in a weird spastic attack of unsavory faces, thousands of them in just a few seconds. If we had a microexpressions expert watching at this moment I think he would send Steven Tyler to the SVU. Anyway, she makes it through. She still is not that interesting to me, ever, but maybe that's because she's got a quieter and sweeter personality or something. She's got some bullshitty friends, though.
A bald dude and a girl with boobs: Cut. She cuts off Ryan with a weird, dead-eyed monologue about how it's the "end of the road" and "back to reality" for this was "nothing but a dream," and it's nuts, and Ryan's like, "Um, okay."
| Season 10 | Episode 12
"Do you like waffles? What kinds of things do you like in your coffee? My manager at the diner where you sometimes get coffee doesn't like us to use real cream in the coffee but I always do because I know you like it. Don't tell! What are you wearing? First I put on my left sock and then I put on my right sock, that's the deal with my socks this morning when I was putting them on. I thought about maybe a smoky eye but then I thought hey, I work in a diner. Which it's good that I didn't put on a bunch of makeup because my subway was late and I would have been late and my manager would have been like, First with the creamer and now this. He reminds me of this teacher I had one time, we used to call him some name. I don't remember, it was really funny. But he was just like, you know. Ugh. So yeah. Can you hear me now?"
Like, that's a song now. She actually wrote that song. She probably won a fucking Grammy for that song. I just don't get it.
Sorry, I feel like I bitch about this at least twice a season but that song gets in my ear and it's like KHAAAN and I stop thinking and start ranting. Thank God the Black Eyed Peas aren't doing anything right now or I would never chill out, ever. It's not music! It's just beeps and bloops and yelling and a whore talking about what a whore she is! That's not music, that's a comment on culture that makes me feel ashamed for everybody!
They were like, "Are you coming to the Super Bowl at my house" and I was like, "Why would I do that, Brian Wilson doesn't play that sport" and they were like, "Oh, but the Black Eyed Peas would be there also. And we'll have snacks." I don't even like snacks. And I was like, "Oh, football the game that never ends, plus the Black Eyed Peas that make me feel like maybe Al Qaeda has a point? What time should I be there, and do you have the setup for some recreational dialysis."
So speaking of dicks, let's check in with Jordan Dorsey, the micromanaging Mary Powers of Season Ten Hollywood Week. He still dresses real sharp and sure does love talking about himself with some bad grammar about how he's perfectionist (ten thousand spoons right there, girl) -- and Randy finally just asks him out loud why he was being such a cocksucker through the entire audition process. Is it that he is an asshole? Is it that simple?
It is. Jordan's all, "I really was forced to assume that role, and treat people like shit. That was the situation." He goes on and on and they're like, "Just admit that you suck, bro." But he can't. And whatever, they put him through so we get to hate him forever.
| Season 10 | Episode 12
I can't wait until he and Jacob Fucking Lusk get into some dick-measuring diva contest, and all the cats and dogs of the world decide it's finally The Big One, and the whole episode is just like one hour of reverberating wolf tone while they vibe at each other and the theatre comes down around their ears.
Lauren Alaina is, as usual, a vision in pink and, after "Hello Goodbye," it's nice to see her get back to where she belongs: "Unchained Melody," It's not quite the Aerosmith song to which she was conceived that she keeps singing, and then Steven dicks her around and she's all "You're so mean!" I don't know, it wasn't that mean. Also, of all the people in the world that would ever get "mean" out of that creepy old narcissist I don't think The Girl Who Only Knows One Song And It Is The Animal Crackers Song is going to feel the sting of that lash.
Stefano... What's to be done there. He's like Jovany, only not off-putting; he's getting pulled into Jordan/Lusk territory, only not that obnoxious. I don't know, he's cute. He has his little opinions about things. Each week I am surprised that I recognize his name and generally what he is all about. I think he's the one they should put in little outfits. Naval Officer, Puppy, Sailor, Kelly Girl, Puppy again, Napoleon Bonaparte, whatever. Cute stuff, to go with the theme.
Jackie Wilson does something to a Kelly Clarkson song that need not be recounted at this time, and I don't know that I'm super clear on who she is, but let's bid her a quick adieu and thanks for trying. Meredith Grey gives a monologue on how sometimes your best still isn't good enough.
Jacob Lusk sings so low and quietly, sings with such respect for the history and decades of sadness and hope contained within "God Bless The Child," that it's scarcely a whisper on velvet. It's other voices, in other rooms, calling out blessings for the child that has his or her own. He leads us in quiet contemplation of that joy in existence without which the world would fall apart and collapse. He inscribes the song on a grain of rice using just a single stiff hair from a horse's mane. He paints the infinite regress of a room in which hangs a painting of a room in which hangs a painting of a room in which hangs a painting of a room in which sits the child who has his or her own, hands folded in his or her lap, holding a painting of guess what.
And then that child gives birth to Lauren Alaina's grandmother.
Pia sings some Alicia Keys nonsense and then nobody cares that she gets through, so Ryan forces the cameramen to clap and cheer for her. We have hit a low point. Perhaps Jacob Lusk sucked all the everything out of the everything.
| Season 10 | Episode 12
James Durbin stars in the hit NBC drama The Event. I don't even know what that means, but I think Jacob Lusk was like The Ring and the plague of despair that has enveloped the entire building is coming out of the screen and into my eyeballs because I am just yawning now and not even looking at Durbin is helping. Mostly my toes are just curling up in my socks at the yowling of him. James, not every night. Like: not tonight. This is something I feel we'll have to discuss again later.
Now there are only two Boy spots left between Casey, Jacee, Colton and Brett. So one will be Casey, and the other one will be Brett I think.
Casey's looking forward to hugging J. Lo, and we remember all of his amazing things that he can do, especially the upright jazz thing I loved so much, and even including the bed thing with Chris Medinugh. Casey Abrams, he's what we called a Sweater Guy in college. I don't know if you had those or if possibly we were such trendsetters that it found its way to your campus, but: Total Sweater Guy. Platonic ideal of, Chairness of, Sweater Guy. Chairman of the Sweater Guys. His last solo was about proving that "people like him" can be sexy (check) and then sings "Why Don't You Do Right?" with his upright, and it is awesome. Casey Abrams is going to be so surprised when he finds out he's my boyfriend. Once he gets out of the hospital, I guess.
So that was the solo, and now he's feeling rather unwell I think, and saying funny sweet stuff to them and sort of doubling over. Randy congratulates him for being the most talented person that has ever been on this show (which again: check) and they put him right through without further ado. He does dances and jumps around -- "I just love you guys so much!" -- and throws the chair off the stage by accident and Steven Tyler kisses his cheek, and it's darling, and then he does some other great stuff I kind of got wrapped up in, and just...
Either you're in or out, I think, with this Business of Being Casey Abrams. He's attracting his haters. But I cannot imagine it: One wants a Sweater Guy, does one not? In all kinds of weather. Good at things. Olympically good at things, this guy.
Some girl named Jessica calls Ryan the Undertaker, and then she and Thia head in together for that scary double-Chair thing they always do with the last spot. Thia did that Groban song for her solo and it was totally not that interesting, but whatever, this show is all about shit like that. Jessica is the hardest-looking chick I have seen since I can't remember when. She looks like Posh. Not like Posh Spice, but like Posh now. Story I don't want to hear. Also, it is her birthday. She is forty-five years young today!
| Season 10 | Episode 12
J. Lo's like, "The only girl rocker, or the fifteen-year-old phenom?" As if that's the choice. This is the thing that kills me about the double Chair every year, because they could tell them in any order, they could call all the names of the cut people over a loudspeaker and never do the Chair at all, they could do it any old way. There is no actual competition between these two girls. And yet every single year, people will hold this against the one who stays until she's gone. As if!
Anyway, Thia at least doesn't look like she'll key your car for imagining that you kissed a girl, and Jessica threatens not to try out again (for the eighth time) and J. Lo's like, "That is such an interesting threat, I hope you come back when you turn forty-seven year." Jessica's like, "If I'm even alive. Like you even care, J. Lo."
Jessica bitches about how this circumstance is "evil" because her birthday will always be tainted by this (seventh) loss, but can I just say: Bitch, it's always going to be your birthday. This show always starts in January. You have been cut now seven times, and this is the farthest you've ever gotten. So yeah, come back year. Hope you get cut on or after your birthday. Stop complaining, idiot. Nice double-fingers to the camera too, you trashy piece. I hope you guys remind me to hate her year.
So Brett, Colton, Jacee, all at once. They really know us, don't they? You got Jacee who is only cannon fodder at any time and frankly just won a trip to LA, the end: You're a winner, Jacee. Call us when you are in the double digits. You got Brett, who is America's Sweetheart or at least the magical forest parts of America. And you got Colton Dixon, who is ... who looks like he looks, and more importantly happens to be the most current-sounding person in the entire fight but is still a little green. So obviously it's going to be Brett that joins Casey in the Top 12. Obviously that will happen. Which kind of makes me feel like they're ruining my birthday.
Unless Casey gets disqualified and I can file some sort of petition to keep Chris Medina out of here, then maybe Colton. I don't understand why you would have a television show and not want Colton Dixon on it. You could literally stick him anywhere. Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives. Bridalplasty. Women Aloud With Mo Gaffney. Maybe these people need to go back to Having A TV Show School, where they teach you these things.
| Season 10 | Episode 12
Ryan calls their attention to the fact that there is only one spot left, and Brett corrects him that there are two spots left, which cracks Jacee and Colton up instantly because they've been dealing with Brett's particular brand all day long, and Ryan's like, No girl, and Brett's all, "Are you sure?" Because he knew it was going to be him and Colton, because that's the way it should be. Or I don't know, maybe he thought it was him and Jacee, and they could have a big fight or showdown or angry dance-off with Team Junebug and Scotty, and it would fall apart into some kind of pillow-fight scenario. Either way, Brett completely Durbins his shit to the point where Jacee quietly does the Ryan, all, "Brett..."
But Brett is not calmed. We flashback to the time that Jacee was run over by Kitty Genovese in an eighteen-wheeler and how he has that beautiful voice and how Brett has become both mother and father to him, and then his solo of "Vincent" and Brett grabbing and snatching at his and Colton's hands -- the degree to which both boys are used to Brett's shit is just phenomenal, he's like their god-daughter at this point -- and then we cut to Brett's solo, an original song that seems pretty much solely about the gender thing.
Let's look at Colton forever and ever and remember his solo, which was a dramatic and manly piano cover of a Paramore song (He's in a Christian band, which... He's from Texas, it's a whole thing that's kind of hard to explain but it fits) and then they sit down in their three Chairs and feel just kind of terrible. J. Lo's like, you guys are killing me right now. She calls them beautiful and then qualifies it awesomely and just about frigidly: "Each of you. In your own way." Nice.
"The fat way, the super gay way, and the real way, Beautiful, each of you. I mean that."
Anyway, duh, it's Brett. Colton is going to be fine, once Brett lets go of his hand. And the, like, theme music -- is this because Brett got through? Or because the other two didn't? -- is that Coldplay song about how being a loser doesn't make you a loser and hurting very bad does not make you permanently hurt. You see how it could work either way. Brett hugs Colton I think six times, in the time that it takes J. Lo to finish hugging Jacee, and then Brett grabs their hands again, and walks them back down the walkway, and then gives them a speech about how all three of them are "shining stars," and once again Colton and Jacee are like, "I cannot believe this is not an act. I mean, I'm loving it, but good Lord."
| Season 10 | Episode 12
Boys of Tuesday: Brett and his whole bag of crazy and no off switch, Jovany's skeleton muscleface, Jacob getting his Lusk all over you whether you wanted it or not, Paul McDonald having a stroke today and every day, Junebug having so very many ideas about himself, Robbie having not a one, Stefano still being a mystery to us all, Jordan just asking for it, Tim being The Tim and doing the hell out of it, James Durbin tonight playing the role of James Durbin, Casey doing the splits, and Scotty trying desperately to figure out what happens on rumspringa.
Girls of Wednesday: Naima Adepapo and her many native garments, Julie Z with her secret Rachel Berry insides, Karen Rodriguez that has no narrative traction and will be gone by this time week unless they do something drastic, Lauren Turner the mother of three and former executive, Kendra Chantelle whose name is that, Ashthon with the hair/personality, Rachel Zevita who is just all kindsa full of it and I hope she and Brett adopt each other and each one thinks the other one is the sidekick, Haley and Lauren and Thia who are not Pia, then Pia, then Sandinista.
So I guess we'll see about Casey, but surely they'll figure out something, right? I'm not used to caring even one little bit so I feel weird even thinking about it off the clock. Still, I feel a lot better worrying about Casey Abrams than I do drawing like one million pictures of Colton Dixon as Edward Cullen under a waterfall, which was my plan, so...