THE CHAIR! My Main Man Blake Lewis, Second In Command Chris Sligh, and The Other One, Rudy Cardenas, from last night's supergroup get through, but Thomas Lowe does not. Does that seem right to you? What if I said that Philip Stacy and Nick Pedro, the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that not even the show can tell apart, got through? Would you ask who they were? Thank God we saw all those retards and crazy people for weeks and weeks, though. Think how thrilling it will be to watch Semifinals with people we've never seen before. Girlwise, things are a little bit better: This year's Stevie Scott and Sarah Mather, Alaina "Cry Me A River" Alexander and Gina "Fists Of Fury" Glocksen get through, as well as International Crazy Person and Early Jacob Favorite Leslie Hunt and cutie pie Amy Krebs. Mom Lakisha Jones is one of the older contestants, but she can blow, while the babiest one of all is Sanjaya Malakar, who is actually scheduled to be born at the conclusion of Semifinals, so get ready for that event three weeks from now. He's supposedly singing "Take A Letter Maria" for his debut. (From the womb!) Chris Richardson and Paul Kim both look like the really friendly, needy kind of drug dealers ("One more round of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out before you go home! Please?"), while Melinda Doolittle's gigantic awesome face is going to be staring back at you for a good long while -- as well as that of her fellow backup singer Brandon Rogers. Jordin Sparks should go pretty far, with that voice in addition to the 17 years of hair; well-dressed and disaffected Stephanie Edwards pretty much knew she had it in the bag from go. Sadly, gigantic Anna Kearns, Princess Johnson, Bernard Williams, Buckstein, and Joelle "Scary Carrie" James are all cut. Making it through, though, are cheesy Jared Cotter, someone named A. J. Tabaldo, the lost Gyllenhaal Nicole Tranquillo, exotic Sabrina Sloan, and a girl they call Haley Scarnato. The final face-off for the boys is Stupid-Ass Sundance versus the delightful Tommy Daniels, so of course Tommy goes home; for the girls it's Marisa "lonelygirl15 On The Edge Of A Mental Breakdown" Rhodes vs. Team BFF's Antonella "Slightly Less Objectionable Of The Two" Barba, who of course goes through. Have fun plotzing the first week of Semis. Which are going to be AWESOME. Remember: Men on Tuesday, Women on Wednesday, Results Thursday, for three weeks, losing four people a week. week Joe R gets the Boys, and gets Results -- but I got alllll the Ladies.
Today we will break the group down from 40 to 24, but not by doing anything we didn't already do, as far as I can tell ... they make them sit in the Chair and tell them their decision, but I am unsure why, since the last time they sang, I thought, was when they were cut from 56 to 40. Lots of names and faces go whizzing by, and Ryan Seacrest looks particularly appealing right now, and all season, and I'm glad. Whatever lack of sleep he was getting last year, I'm glad he fixed it.
Doom piano attends the Pasadena Civic Auditorium, but there it is not all bad, because for every plink of the doom piano, there's at least five seconds of the camera staring at Blake Lewis for the same reason that that room off the stage at the old set was shaped like Coca-Cola: the more you see it, the more you want it, and this episode pushes the Blake Lewis brand pretty much non-stop, to give him and a few others the edge over their competition, and just like every year, it's totally going to work. But this year, um, he actually is the best, so we're not going to have a Judd Harris situation, but PS, I still miss Judd Harris. There's a girl with shaky hands and a nervous stomach, and one of those two guys who are Nick and Phil, and then the other one, and they all get to do that stuff where they go up the elevator and walk across the very long room and sit in the Chair and fooferaw to no great effect. For some reason this is less dramatic than in past seasons, maybe because the editing is so much more obvious, and has been throughout.
Sanjaya Malakar works that runway like the fiercest diva ever to sell it, catwalking directly for them, and we get to see a bit of his solo from yesterday, which was amazing. He's got a little Jeff Buckley in there, for a sec. Was not expecting that. Nice. He interviews prior to the reveal that the process has been easier for him, because of the mutual support with Shyamali, so it's kind of sad that she didn't make it or something, but now he's freakin'. Flashback to him crying into her hair. He admits that making it into the Top 24 would obviously make him ecstatic, but there's a whole ickiness now that she's gone that kind of makes it weird. In the Chair, Paula and Simon are by turns creepy and sweet, and Paula finally puts him through. He's adorable; shivers and gets shy and bashful and generally loses track of all his stuff. Paula tells him to go tell everybody, and downstairs, he hugs everyone in California.
is Gigantic Anna Kearns, who I love, and she sits down all charming to give Simon a Hairy Mandisa Eyeball about how he called her a giraffe, but it's okay because giraffes are beautiful, whatever, and Simon is totally charming in his apology, then lies that it was meant as a compliment. Randy breaks the news to her that she didn't make it through, and weirdly calls this "see you later" time, which sounds just really flippant and heartless, and...she literally cannot, does not believe them. She thinks they're fucking with her, and she's like, "But I'm really really tall?" Simon shakes his head I think, tinily, because I think he's having the same thought I'm having, which goes along these basic lines: "Honey, stop. I like you too much. Stop babbling. Don't give the producers this." But she does, and she keeps -- ick -- admitting that she's not the best singer in the world, but...and then not filling in the blank, so finally Simon has to: "So it's about being tall?" Which is kind of the only place she could go with this conversation, once she took the "I am very unique" angle, which she should not be doing ever, and she gives in and leaves. Also out is Bernard Williams of Birmingham, with his scary eyes, and when he comes downstairs, Buckstein and Gina -- and Blake, of course -- are shocked, because they all loved him. Eric Davis, whose name I could have sworn was Justin for some reason, is the nice Christian that let Pigtails into his group, and he is gone, as is Tami Gosnell the lovely lesbian-slash-homeless person.
Melinda Doolittle, with her insane huge face, is one of the two background singers, the other one being Brandon Rogers who we'll be seeing later. I love her, she's adorable, and I love her voice; I love how she admits to being scared of singing solo on that huge stage, but they cut to her going crazy. Her lovely, gigantic face goes very crazy in a Gedeon way when she sings, she's obviously one to watch. Simon does about the sweetest thing I can think of him ever doing, with this speech about how "there's a reason you're a backup singer," and it's normally because "someone is better than you," but as she "may be surprised" to hear from him, he wants her to understand that she's "good enough to stand at the front of the stage," and that their choice to bring her in was unanimous, and he looks her right in the eye and says, "You're no longer a backup singer. Got it?" And I kind of felt very nice all over for a second when that happened, which is why it's so confusing to me when people get weird about Simon for doing his job, because I love him. I do. I mean, whatever, either you get it or you don't and it's too dumb to fight about, and not really something I feel like I can explain about business, if that's your mindset. The fact is that if you, an Idol hopeful, have no business being there, he has no business making you feel like you do. That's counterproductive for you both, and we're talking about a business. Not a daycare center for people who think they're professional enough to suffer rejection, yet are not. I'm trying to imagine being on Nicole's side of the stage, and...I can't. I don't understand holding other people responsible for your lack of talent, or your lack of professionalism, or the fact that appearance does matter, or any of the things that piss people off about the lines Simon has to draw. If you're not the package, you aren't expected to know it: that's for everybody else to tell you. And the highest echelon of those people are guys like Simon, and they're really good at their jobs, and they don't actually care if you're happy or not, or if you live or die, because that's not the point of any business. So without any malice or animus on it from the authority side, you're looking at being pissed off about the way the world works, and holding that against the messenger, who you already know is the arbiter of these things, whom you have selected as the person who is going to make that call, in fact, and stood in line to see if he thinks you're marketable enough, and if he doesn't, and you honestly think it's because he's mean or a bad person or whatever kindergarten issue you have with it, that's pretty much you being a big crybaby. Which proves him right again: because you're not ready, and you just demonstrated it. Grow up.
So Simon kisses her, and she goes downstairs to mad cheers, and then Brandon Rogers, the other background singer, comes up, and we see his solo, which has beautiful female backup and a really lovely, ornamented piano accompaniment. I hate this song about when you really, really, really, really love a woman, because A) it's stupid and B) is the clarion call of guys who aren't aren't that into women but have a vested interest in maintaining that appearance, but I have to say, this is a kick-ass arrangement. Randy gives Brandon a watered-down speech along the same lines as Simon's, but not as well-stated or as sweet, and he comes out with thumbs aloft, and there is much hugging.
Commercials, and like a five second sequence where Ryan points out that every person who makes it through takes it away from somebody else, as though that randomly happened. Gina talks about how she made it to the Three Rooms Death Match last year, and her solo is really wonderful, despite her dorky faces. I don't know, I really like her, who knows? Paula chatters at her for awhile about how tough the process is, and Gina finally gives in and accepts defeat: "Okay," she sighs, and Paula keeps it together long enough to be like, "Yeah girl I know it's okay, because you're through." Then she cries sweetly in the elevator, and Leslie Hunt claps for her, and her superhot boyfriend who I remember from last year, is still her boyfriend. WTG. A crying man does not make it through, and a man who seems to be very old, and it's 1340 hours, and some girl named Haley Scarnato makes it despite a solo that hurts my ears, and Phil Stacy who is pretty smarmy, and Paula dances drunkenly in her chair, and I feel kind of molested by him, and not in the fun way. Also, he is dressed like a conspiracy theorist. Okay, so he's the one who missed his daughter's birth, and has the weird Fremen blue eyes, and whose daughter's name is...wait for it..."Michaela." Which tells us everything we need know. People who want to hug him include Sundance, Scary Carrie, and Tommy D.
Commercials, including Simon being adorable while DAUGHTRY plays, and OMG with the commercials. Including this one, for the Simpsons movie masquerading as an episode of American Idol, so ... bloop-beep! Oh, now it's 1430 hours and 28 people are left, just like that. Chris Sligh walks in all, "You guys are probably wondering why I called this meeting today..." and they giggle, and we get to see his solo, which is that same song, with his awesome and beautiful voice. Man, I like this kid. Simon calls him one of the most popular contestants, with a great personality, whom everyone seems to like, but that he wasn't one of the best singers. However, he made it through.
Blake! What do you say. Oh my God, I don't know what to say! I'm so nervous all of a sudden! Look at my hand, I'm shaking! Hahahahaaa! Sorry, sorry, I'm being such a dork, sorry. What was I talking about? Oh my gosh, okay, what? Did you say something? Oh, I'm writing a...I'm writing a recap right now, sorry. Hee, hee, That was awesome. I don't know what's going on. Am I having a stroke? Oh, you're funny, that's so funny! HAHAHA! You're so FUNNY! I love that SHIRT on you! What was it like growing up? I want to know all ABOUT you! Did you have PETS? Why is it SO BRIGHT in here? What's your favorite COLOR? Where are you GOING?
Oh come on, you know I'm smoother than that. So anyway, Simon tells him that with American Idol what we do is called "singing" and that maybe he should do some of that. Which he did, and which he was also awesome at, at his original audition. WHOOP! TEAM BLAKE! Where was I? He puts Blake through. Simon smiles, Blake dies of joy.
Thomas Lowe, looking probably ten times hotter than he ever has before, and I think forging into new hotness territory that has never been previously explored, does not make it, for reasons I can't remember and whenever I think about it I get these crushing headaches, like somebody doesn't want me to remember. Rudy Cardenas does a solo, it's not that hot, I don't understand the fuss, he's got a gimp eye, he's like that tweaking guy that comes up to you at the club and wants to sell you drugs but can barely stand up because he already did all of the drugs, but mostly he wants you to like him really badly. Simon tells him he wasn't in love with even bringing Rudy to Hollywood, but whatever, he's through. Blake and Rudy hop around in circles downstairs like children, it's awesome.
Commercials, again, some more, forever
1630 hours, where loneygirl15 is like still being so intense, and that ubiquitous Paul Kim finally gets a name to go with the face, but that's not all he gets. He says he's refusing to wear shoes onstage at any time. I say, stick the shoes behind your ear as a shoutout to Hawai'i, lame-ass. Oh, and also, in addition to his gross creepy smug face, he's also wearing the same underwear he's been wearing every cut day. Now, I'm sure that he washed them, that's not my problem here. My problem is that people who substitute superstition collections for personalities are gross, second only to people who do that with their fear of insects. That's not a personality, that's spiritual laziness on a deep, deep level. Luckily, his very tricksy voice is lovely, and I really like it. We'll talk about the feet issue later. Paula tells him it's a split decision, but he gets through, and downstairs, Rudy's all over it, again.
Jordin Sparks, 17, with all the hair, whom Randy loved in Seattle but "fell apart a little bit" in Hollywood. She says she did her best, and we get to see her onstage: she's amazing. She really honestly did do her best, even unto a tad tiny miniscule bit of crazy eyes. She made it, which is awesome, and then she wigs out adorably in the elevator. People who didn't make it are named Olivia, Tatiana, and Monique; the last one freaks Ryan out, and it makes her laugh, it's cute and sweet. Sundance's stupid flapping mouth informs us that "If we could pinpoint what all the judges are lookin' for, I'd sell it to you." I just want to know what the hell you're selling that got you on this show. Is it your Lucky Charms? Level, dude. Tommy Daniels gets uncomfortably close to Antonella, and I start wondering if I was wrong and he actually is a jerk.
Someone named AJ Tabaldo is auditioning for the fifth time, which makes FIVE times I've never seen him before. I don't really get what he's doing onstage either, in his solo, but he's through. Paula: "The wait is ovah!"
Stephanie Edwards's solo is awesome; she's an early favorite. Because Simon Cowell is weird with black women, he gets weird with Stephanie: "Shall I just get it out of the way? You haven't...failed. You've made it." She throws her hands over her mouth, overjoyed and adorable, and up is Leslie Hunt, whom I ADORE. Her face is AMAZING, she's totally funny, she dances around like a TV lesbian and has a smoky kind of spacecitymarc kind of voice. She's awesome. I don't know if we're seeing enough of her to keep, but she's the female Chris Sligh this year. Amazing charisma and funny weird charm radiating off this girl. I hope she gets a chance!
Nicholas Pedro, who bowed out last year, does a breathy rendition of the Bryan Adams song, and it's totally put-on and for effect and annoying; Paula puts him through, but I don't think Simon's sold. Commercials: Payless goes aggressively after the pointy power shoe market five years too late, and then check out how I'm totally going to be seeing Starter For 10 on opening night. Don't tell. ["I...uh...won't see you there. At the 8:45 show." -- Joe R]
1730 hours: Nick Pedro calls his little sister on her birthday to tell her that he made it -- again -- and she screams like crazy, and he almost cries, but I'm not entirely buying it. He's like, "That's what it's all about, man. That's what it's all about." And like, genuine or not, I agree, because the only person who should be taking this show seriously at this point are tweens, so literally that's all it's about, but also...if his voice were more genuine and less affected, I'd buy his personality more. But I'm totally willing to be overruled in the future, not least because I'm positive I am never going to remember who he is, so it won't matter, because every day will be a new day with him. And the other one.
Alaina Alexander, whom I am all alone in loving and want to buy her things and take her with me everywhere I go, is a big crier. Ryan: "Hopefully we see tears of joy today." This is another case of marketability trumping talent, I'm sorry, but she belongs on the show in a way other people don't. I disagree with several of the decisions today, but this isn't one of them. She tells them she'd rather not sit in the Chair, then immediately sits in the chair, and starts crying also immediately. Her solo -- "I gave all I can give," she says -- was flat but pretty; for some reason she's singing lower than I remember her singing before. The clip goes on for quite a while, and they dick her around forever and then put her through, resulting in tears. Simon is cute as hell dealing with her, because the money vibes off this girl are like catnip, and she asks them for criticisms, and he says to start with blowing her nose, and even Paula likes her, and she tells them she'll see 'em soon, and then takes a while to find the lobby button in the elevator, because she's giddy like she's got a case of the Blakes.
Chris Richardson sings through his nose in the solo, and looks like a cokehead, and gets through. Maybe meth. I don't know about this, you guys. I am not happy about Chris Richardson; he skeeves me out. Meanwhile, Sabrina Sloan's solo was "Some Kind Of Wonderful," her energy was great onstage, and Simon -- see above re: weird -- goes, "We have decided not...to exclude you." Her eyes roll once in preparation for a freakout, he reiterates that she's through, and they roll again. Like another personality is coming to the fore. "Who am I speaking with? Can I speak with Sabrina now?" Paula explains that she's through, one more time. In the elevator she's ecstatic, shouting, "I'm in the 24! I love this show!" Oh, sweetie. Me too sometimes.
Jerome Chism, whoever the hell that is, is out. Joelle James, the girl I've been calling "Scary Carrie" is out. Buckstein is out and in need of some lovin' to make him forget. Princess Johnson is out, though she's not entirely convinced they're telling the truth. Buckstein looks ravishing. Lakisha Jones brings up her daughter one more time, and we remember at length how Lakisha Jones is fantastically talented and gets standing ovations and makes the occasional crazy startling sound, and is great, and Simon loves her. In the Chair, he asks how she thinks she did, what she thinks she'll do if she doesn't make it. She says her daughter's turning four month, and she'll be going back to work at the bank, so there are no regrets at all. I really like her; I like the way she is. She gets through, and there's a party of all four of them, and she cries, and Simon smiles lovingly: "Well done, sweetheart. But you know what, Lakisha, you're a great singer. That's why you're through." And Paula has to fucking throw in that condescending fat girl bullshit she always does: "...And beautiful!" Whatever, she's pretty I guess, but thanks for shining a giant flashlight on the difference between her and the majority of the other Top 24, idiot. She walks out crying, they are happy inside, and downstairs, Ryan gives her a high five. "You did it! You got it!" Aw. She cries and apologizes for it, and he's all over her: "That's all right! This means a lot. This is so fantastic!" God, I love that guy. So anyway, commercials, and then the crazy head-to-head part where they manufacture so much drama for no reason at all. Love it.
1800 hours, seven people left. Nicole Tranquillo sings "This Is It," and looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal basically, in her little vest and bouncy hair, and she gets through. Jared Cotter sings the smarmiest cheesiest version of "Cupid" I've ever seen, and I'm fairly certain he's a creeping creepster, and he gets through and goes downstairs, launching himself directly at Seacrest. Amy Krebs found the solo portion of auditions to be the "funnest" day, and she's adorable. She tells us that it "felt like home up there," and I can buy that. She sings "Until You Come Back To Me," and Simon tells her in the Chair that she's sweet and not memorable, so look forward to her single performance this Wednesday, I assume.
2000 hours. "An eerie calm has fallen over the auditorium." Marisa Rhodes is losing her mind downstairs, which is the final confirmation that lonelygirl15 is her, and not the other one. Or I'm still wrong. I really like Marisa, anyhow, and Antonella's gotten a bit of a bitch edit already, so I'm guessing Marisa's done in a second, which sucks. On the other hand, it's Sundance v. Tommy Daniels, whom I hate v. love, although that's about to majorly change. So those are the head-to-heads, and we're going to be sitting here for awhile. Marisa! Marisa!
Marisa and Antonella go up first, holding hands -- not well -- and talking that shit about how no matter what happens and wishing each other luck. In solo, Marisa was amazing, while Antonella forgot the words. And yet I feel this fateful feeling. Randy: "Well, it's time to keep it real and bring down the truth." Whatever, dawg. He puts Antonella through, and Paula tells Marisa she's "world class" and to "take this experience," whatever that means, and Randy tells her she's got nothing to be ashamed of. Meanwhile, Antonella is friends with that Amanda girl. They go back down together, and it's pretty damned rough. Marisa pretty much loses her whole entire mind in the trip downstairs, and Blake -- See the pattern? I almost hope it's him putting himself onscreen every possible second, because that would be really awesome of him -- hugs her, and she nearly starts cutting herself right in front of everybody, and outside she tells us how amazing it is, because "everybody" was assuring her she'd go through. Which is not that classy to say right now, but whatever, I thought so too.
Ryan sends Sundance and Tommy Daniels upstairs in this weird play-gruff fake-bossy flirty way I don't know about, and Tommy goes fucking bizarre the second he steps in the elevator, acting like he's on drugs and doesn't know there's a camera right there, and then he jumps up and down like a dork, and Sundance precedes him into the room. We remember Memphis, where Sundance was good-looking and talented, and how that's gone forever, and then he came to Hollywood and sucked up one side and down the other, and Paula put him through anyway, even though he looked boiled, like a boiled little leprechaun, and meanwhile, Tommy was consistently awesome. That's like all they say before they put Sundance Head through and leave Tommy D behind, never to audition again. And while I'm pissed about that, I'm less pissed one second later, when Tommy D abandons any pretense of professionalism or maturity and goes all Nicole Turner on himself, and acts disgusting, and proves everybody right, and honestly, it's almost worth it seeing Sundance go through, just because if that's how Tommy acts when he doesn't get his way, then he deserves nothing. "That's fucked," he murmurs before they're even in the elevator, and then inside the elevator he takes a second to congratulate Sundance before unleashing a stupid stream of invective and throwing a double bird at the camera, tackily, and then downstairs fuckin' Sundance acts just as bullshitty and offers Tommy -- standing right to Ryan Seacrest, he says this, which I find even more offensive, that you would say such blatantly shitty stuff in front of Ryan who doesn't even know about evil or hate in this world -- the job of his "bodyguard," okay. The guy who just actual for real no kidding pissed the hell off in the elevator, you're going to stand up -- all one single yard of you -- and tell him he can be your bodyguard when you're famous? And I mean, Tommy's acting pretty off-the-rails, already. So what happens is that Ryan defuses that motherfucker right away, so fast you don't even see him do it, and as usual, he's amazing and faster than the human eye. For like the darting jewel-throated hummingbird, he lives on sugarwater and sunlight, and sleeps in a magical forest under blankets spun from spider's webs and dewdrops, dreaming dreams of popsicles and peppermint sticks, in a bed no larger than your thumb.
From which he would say, if he weren't sleeping just this second, looking like a tiny little angel with a fake tan: "Here they are, your Top 24."
Blake Lewis, Chris Sligh, and Brandon Rogers, who need no introduction. There's hopefully cannon fodder Sundance Fucking Head, Shoeless Paul Kim, Little Sanjaya Malakar, Nick Pedro and/or Philip Stacy. And finally you have Rudy Cardenas, Jared Cotter, Chris Richardson, and AJ Tabaldo, who are for now shrouded in mystery. I think I actually have more ladies I'm pulling for than guys, just like every year, but this year what with the Blakes I was assuming that going on and on about something was the same as it happening over and over, so there you go. For the ladies we've got Matriculophobic Alaina Alexander, the Return of Gina Glocksen, the Violently Charming Leslie Hunt, Melinda Doolittle and her face, ex-BFF and Better For It Antonella Barba, Stephanie Edwards, Sabrina Sloan, Lakisha Jones, youngsters Jordin Sparks and Amy Krebs, and the similarly mystery-enshrouded Haley Scarnato and Nicole Tranquillo.
We'll be seeing each other again on Wednesday, for the Top 12 Ladies Performance, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to watch the Men live. No real reason.