By M. Giant
Tonight's pre-credits sequence is, of course, all about the hometown visits that the top three get, with flashbacks of visits from past seasons and the caption, "All four are going home, but only three are coming back." This... is American Thunderdome!"
Ryan comes out after the judges to tell us that the top three will be named tonight, plus will.i.am is here to perform, as well as David Cook and Harry Connick, Jr. But the first performance of the night is the top four being forced to struggle through a jitterbuggy version of "Crazy in Love" that is apparently on the soundtrack of The Great Gatsby. I was on the fence about seeing that, but after hearing this number, I've decided that I definitely won't.
The Fiesta Mission for the week teams the top four up with an artist named Tristan Eaton, in his cavernous studio. He lets them paste a bunch of music-themed Colorforms onto big outlines of cars, scans them into his computer and invites them back three days later to show off the two Fiestas wrapped in the car-condoms that resulted. Congratulations girls -- you've created two giant Easter eggs that look like they were dipped in vomit. They can't wait to get into them and take a ride, probably because when they're inside the cars they don't have to look at them.
The recap of last night starts rolling, as usual including clips of the performances and judges' comments plus the value-add of Jimmy Iovine's post-mortem. Jimmy says Angie could have blown everyone away last night, but "Diamonds" was the wrong current song and she wasn't great on her standard, "Someone to Watch Over Me" either. He thinks Amber came off too karaoke on her P!nk song without enough time to learn it, but says her "My Funny Valentine" was magnificent. He loved Candice on both her songs, saying Bruno Mars needs to write another one for her right now. Jimmy says Kree gave two "good" performances without weighing in on the Harry vs. Randy debate from last night, which we just got to see all over again. Or else he did talk about it and the editors cut it out because it nails everything that's wrong with the whole show.
Season 7 winner David Cook is back, with an intro reel that covers his post-show record sales and his involvement in raising funds for brain cancer research through something called "Race for Hope." Seems to me like whoever wins that race would probably be the least in need of it. He also warns the top four that whichever of them ends up getting the homecoming visit, they're going to cry like he did. He and his band do his new single, "Laying Me Low" a mid-tempo roadhouse number that, I'm sorry, I've already forgotten. Afterwards, Ryan reminisces with David about Mariah being his mentor during his season, which she may or may not remember herself.
By M. Giant
Then will.i.am performs this... thing... called "Bang Bang." It's also from The Great Gatsby soundtrack, and it answers the burning question of what happens when someone attempts to rap to the Charleston. It starts out in black and white and shifts to color when a Gwen Stefani sound-alike in a flapper dress comes out, and there are clips from the movie on the screen playing in the back, and it goes on forever and now I have this whore of a headache. And then, by some insane coincidence, it's followed by an ad for the movie, which I am now not only not going to see, I'm going to picket.
Ryan decides it's "Throwback Thursday" so a clip package of Constantine Maroulis is inflicted on us for some reason. It's like ninety gratuitous seconds of pure, uncut douchebag being injected directly into your eyeball and out your other eyeball. So soon after "Bang Bang" I just can't even.
Then Harry Connick Jr. is back, this time to actually sing instead of talk about singing. He does a pretty good Perry Como imitation, crooning an original song called "Every Man Should Know," which is not a song I find myself digging, but at least he's walking his talk from last night. Plus, he's shaved since then. The judges give him a standing ovation, though Randy's was a little slow. Ryan asks Harry if he made up with Randy, and Harry says that they went out to dinner and ended up falling asleep together on the couch in front of a movie. "That's the way it always ends with Randy, I could have told you that," Ryan tweaks. Even with all the hilarity, he remembers to let Harry plug his upcoming album.
So I guess it's time to start thinking about considering the possibility of maybe talking about beginning to venture slowly into the preamble of the early stages of whatever comes before the week's actual results. Nicki tells the top four that they're all awesome and could go start a career right now. So I guess the stakes aren't that high after all? Ryan makes sure we understand that the results are in no particular order, and that the votes are totaled from this week and last week, and then tells us that Angie is through to the top three. So is Candice, who asks to hug Ryan, like he'd be able to stop her if she were determined enough. Amber and Kree are brought over to stand at center stage for the last ad break. Coming back from which, Ryan makes them wait even longer by asking Randy if this should be the top two. Like anyone ever comes out and answers that. Instead Randy -- and also Mariah -- talk about how they don't want to lose anyone and Keith also assures everyone that all four of them are going to have careers. Finally, after 81 million votes from this week and last week, the third safe person is Kree. So much for Amber, which can't be much of a surprise for anyone. Yes, she was good, but she never seemed to find much traction with the voters. She gets her last standing ovation from the judges, at least for this season and her farewell reel goes allll the way back to her first live show. Even though there's no more save, Amber is expected to sing one last time and she does "I Believe in You and Me," not really caring at this point enough to do as good a job as usual. And when Ryan brings her dad up onstage, it's all over. Tears from Amber, tears from the top three, tears from Mariah, not a dry eye in the place except Ryan's. He has to keep it together enough remind us to stick around for Glee, after all.
- 1
- 2
- 3
By M. Giant
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
Think you've got game? Prove it! Check out Games Without Pity, our new area featuring trivia, puzzle, card, strategy, action and word games -- all free to play and guaranteed to help pass the time until your show starts.
- 1
- 2
- 3