The boys are in trouble!
Good But Forgettable: Amy Krebs's rendition of "I Can't Make You Love Me" was just fine, if a little ornamented and Idol'd up. Haley Scarnato is cute, identical to Nicole suddenly, and sang "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" as though it were all turning immediately and leaving through another door as soon as it had come back to her.
Horrible: Antonella Barba ripped "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing," a song I hate, to shreds. She's a screamer, which God hates, and simultaneously sounded scared and kittenish. Worst of the night. Nicole Tranquillo seems to have borrowed some of Paula's meds or sizzurp or something, because she sounded really intensely crazy and scary. It was like an entire episode of House in three minutes. Alaina Alexander totally ruined "Brass In Pocket," a.k.a. the song about how I'm going to make you, make you, make you notice. What I noticed is that no matter how adorable I find her, she still is one of the weakest singers. Hopefully she'll learn to bring it sometime soon, because she's great to watch.
Balanced By Other Factors For Good Or Ill Depending: Sabrina Sloan still looks like a visiting cast member from Rome and sang a very determined "I Never Loved a Man the Way I Loved You," which usually sounds the same all the time. Lakisha Jones, "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going": Yes, it was wonderful, yes I believe it, but Simon's tongue bath is doing her no favors. She's already an underdog in many ways and having him tell her she's the best of the 24 is a really good way to ruin that. She looked really cute, though. Meanwhile Gina Glocksen singing "All By Myself" is like hearing paint cry.
Amazing: Leslie Hunt's "Natural Woman" rocked out, like I was sure it would. She's so weird and neat, but I think she'll be okay. She should try some wigglier stuff instead of going for soul: think about her singing Victoria Williams or Regina Spektor, or even that lady with the harp. Jordin Sparks proved once again with "Give Me One Reason" that she's one to watch this year. It built really well and ended as one of the better performances of the night. She's so mannered and confident, a joy to watch. Stephanie Edwards started the night with "How Come You Don't Call Me?" and sang in a frenetic manner, like Fantasia without the scary aspects of Fantasia -- and I'm not just saying that because of the hair, she's an original. Melinda Doolittle sang Aretha's "Since You've Been Gone," and proved to be maybe the most likeable person ever to perform on this show. Amazing voice, and the kind of good vibes that make George Huff look like Murky Dismal.
Should Go Home: Nicole and Antonella.
Will Go Home: Antonella and Alaina.
Ryan works his way down the girls lined up on the steps, giving them high fives and critiquing their outfits -- "Love the earrings, love the red" -- and hugging Lakisha quickly before he hits the camera to tell us about how the boys were kind of sucky last night, and then there's a long, long redux of the guys' performances, which we are able to see for ourselves were mostly kind of sucky, as stated. Ryan enunciates a whole lot and then the girls go running past the camera all cute and Ryan goes, "What up girls?" Then he exhorts us to have some fun. There will be fun, to a certain extent. Not two hours' worth of fun, really, but when has this show ever fit snugly around the volume of fun it contains? Never. He dicks with Randy for complaining about being unoriginal and then complaining about them taking risks, and Randy calls him "baby." Paula tells the Dawg Pound that they did not let her down, but that they were kind of sucky. Simon is very nice about Paula and Randy's opinions, and then he and Ryan kind of make out a little bit. Simon says that Chris Sligh being a dork to Simon last night made him happy, in a way, and Ryan keeps poking and poking about how it broke Simon's heart and shows a picture of Simon being pissed. Simon asks politely that Ryan leave him the fuck alone and stop being bratty; Ryan does not understand this request.
Worthless montage of them not actually auditioning but jumping around and screaming the word Hollywood and then Ryan getting kind of Cory Kennedy at the camera while a gay house dance remix of "Breathe Me" plays, for some reason. Which reminds me: Patrick Wolf rules. Find a way to hear some Patrick Wolf this week. It's trippy and unending, this sequence, but not interesting at all. When we return to the show, to quote "get the party started," we see Stephanie Edwards.
Her deal is that she sang "God Bless The Child" and is 19 years old and has a very expressive, cute face. She likes the color red as much as I do, so I feel warmly toward her. Simon called her reminiscent of a '30s jazz singer at her audition. She tells us that this was the last straw, and then cries because the judges believe in her. Then she sings "How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore," by Prince, and her pronunciations of words are very church choir and sweet. She's a total professional, giving a bunch of crowd patter and emoting the words of the song. Like she really doesn't know why you won't call her anymore, but she's interested in finding out more about the situation, even to the point of getting on her knees, if that could possibly help. I think...the only reason I would not call her is that there are still eleven people to go, and this show gives me kitty-cat memory. Randy loves it, finding her pitchy but also that she "set it off" and made him go "whoo." Paula is amazed by her showmanship, and I agree, if it's a little by the book "I'm a performing lady! Performing!" Simon says she did better than all the boys, and also better than herself to this point: "It looks as if you came out and said 'I want to win.'" Ryan congratulates her on setting the tone and calls her "fearless," and she talks about the awesomeness of the audience. She's cute and grownup and a hero of mine. Her hair looks kind of like William Shatner from right around 1972.
Not even the judges or Ryan know quite who Amy Krebs is, even as Ryan finds himself "rolling in the VIP room with the ladies," unquote. Melinda talks about how amazing the guys were last night and feels like the judges' challenge to the men is a good lady challenge. Antonella is stupid and says something stupid. Amy goes yakity-yak and repeats whatever Doolittle said, which is this close to nothing. At her audition, she looked like she was in detox, and this is because she's from Seattle. At group night, Simon says he won't remember anyone in her group, and Paula says she will remember Amy, but because it's awesomely Paula, she doesn't actually remember Amy, and has to check her name on the piece of paper, which...accurately describes what it's like to watch Amy Krebs sing. "That was nice, what just happened? Who is that girl? Is she on stage right now? Did she go away? What a nice voice that person may have had." She sings "I Can't Make You Love Me," in a perfectly pleasant way. The band rips it up and is fantastic, and Amy is very much like a person singing a song on television, and at the end she kind of moos. I can't believe Ryan Seacrest said "rolling in the VIP room with the ladies"! Randy is as bored as I am, even with that awesome song to work with, and calls her "very very too safe," and gets mildly booed, and then Paula agrees with Randy, sadly, calling up Amy's "R&B feel." Randy translates: "She's better than the song that she chose and didn't sing it that good," and Simon agrees. "You have the personality of a candle," Simon says: "This thing that sings," he calls her, and says that this is how she is going to go home tomorrow, which she is, because Simon is always right. Ryan asks what she thinks about that, and Amy says she needs a personality and to sing also, and Simon tells her that her outfit and hair complete the camouflage that her personality and singing began. Ryan calls him a "fashion disaster" and then they make out.
Leslie Hunt is a dogwalker and my future lady friend. She says that getting through this has given her a boost of confidence that she feels she was really needing. How can this girl not know how awesome she is? "Natural Woman" is her chosen song, and knee-high boots with a dark slatey sundress is her chosen look. Her voice is not as smoky as I thought it was going to be, but it has a depth and clarity that are amazing, and she's so...friendly? There's a friendliness, with the camera, that's adorable, and really great control. She's an original, I'm just completely taken with her. She's great. Randy says the word "yes" a million times and says he was expecting definite greatness, and wonders if the song isn't maybe too big for her. Paula thinks she did a great job (Simon: "Of course!") and asks her to watch out for song choice, because she's done better. Simon says she's very nice and a dogwalker, that she performs like a dogwalker interrupted mid-walk, ungainly onstage and all over the place. Her people are disgusted and Randy starts begging Ryan to help them. Ryan and Simon have a sweet little moment where Ryan explains that it was only a problem that she seemed uncomfortable onstage, which I guess I can see. Compared to what I think she can do, she was pulling back. I need her to be on this show for a while, because I have to watch this show for months and months, and I would like to enjoy it a Leslie Hunt amount.
Sabrina Sloan's crazy face like a Disney heroine is 27 years old, just like the rest of her, only like overwhelmingly sexy. Her speaking voice is warmer and more thoughtful than I thought it would be -- she looks like she could get away with being pretty mean, but I don't think she's mean, and that's nice. "Ain't Never Loved A Man The Way That I Love You," is not a song I love, but I sure do like watching her sing it. There's kind of the painful "Oooooh!" stuff, the runs and things, but they're not terribly showy -- she's doing the song the way people do the song. She actually overpowers the mic at the end, which is always fun, like you're stronger than science, or like when Thom Yorke takes on the robots once and for all, he's going to need Sabrina by his side. The power to defeat microphones. She does lose a bit of breath at some points where she doesn't need to, but her people in the audience are very, very cute. Randy explains that now Season Six is finally a competition, and that that is the way to put it down. Randy tells the boys she's the one to beat, and then Paula gives her a standing ovation. Simon: You just proved the point between taking part and genuinely having a desire to win, with talent. He says it's the best performance so far. Stephanie is not terribly amused by this; onstage, Sabrina giggles about how much fun it was to sing on the stage. Ryan asks her why she didn't sing a ballad: "I have been watching the show for five years, dude." Awesome. That was so much fun, wasn't it? Hold on to that lovely performance, for a while.
Antonella auditioned with horrible Amanda, also from Point Pleasant, also who didn't deserve to be here. We see her crying about Amanda getting cut, which we know was engineered by God to punish Amanda, but He refuses to take credit for Marisa not going through. She looks like she's Tommy Hilfiger's daughter? ["THAT'S it! Thank you!" -- Joe R] Or the other one? You know that show where they had little dogs? She looks like that show. What she sounds like is nothing so enjoyable. I never thought I would be in the unenviable position of saying that you have done wrong to an Aerosmith song, because I hate Aerosmith more than anything in the world, so I want you to understand what I mean when I say Antonella has done wrong to this song about not wanting to miss a thing, and wanting to stare at a person without sleeping or blinking like a creeping creepster -- which by the way can you imagine waking up and Steven Tyler is looking at you? -- and she is doing the wrong things over and over, and she is doing them with extreme prejudice, and she is not stopping. She can't work a mic, she does the horse lips, she's amateurish and scared-sounding and flat. I want to miss all the things. I mean, her face takes makeup nicely. She's like a kid that wandered onstage during the show and they were like, why not? (Stacey: "She's terrible, but at least she's consistent." Jacob: "Employees Must Wash Hands To Avoid Spreading Antonella.") Randy, Paula and Simon would like to let her know that she sucks, and I think she believes them. Simon actually says, "The good news is that you're attractive." Even Ryan is like, "Yeah, you need help, and to bitch at them." She asks for pointers, and all three of them tell her to sing a pop song ("Ate you up, that song") and Ryan asks if she knew it was a risk. Simon tells her that song was "like Ryan doing the news," and you know what? Pick your battles. Ryan Seacrest can do anything if he puts his mind to it, so now you sound stupid. How about that? How about that, Cowell? Meanwhile, Antonella already knows she is going home tomorrow. I could tell by how when she was singing I felt cold all over.
Jordin Sparks, 17, is singing Tracy Chapman, and she's adorable, and is not interested in waiting to earn anything: "I want it now, thank you!" she twinkles. She can do it. She tells Ryan that this song might be "minus a lump or two" of the sugary sweet issue from her audition, where Simon told her how he liked her coffee. She tells us that she doesn't necessarily want to change Simon's opinion about her, because he's always right. Ha! In the CHAIR, she mentions wanting to bring a cup of sugar to Simon, but having forgotten it. That's adorable. She could fully snap a chicken's neck onstage, and I would think it was the cutest thing ever. I love her so much. The background music -- "Give Me One Reason" -- is not that awesome and kind of boring, it's a visual performance in some ways, because she's such a joy to watch, but by the end she tricks it up enough so that it's easier to see how awesome she's being. She's such a star! I love it. (Stacey: "I am of the belief that Jordin is 27 and has two kids." Jacob: "I am of the belief that I am in love with her.") Randy calls her on her "unbelievable talent," and tells her that there is no song too big for her, so stop with the laid-back lesbian songs when you should be howling. She loves this, the crowd loves this. Paula calls her a "natural talent," and even Simon begs her to keep pushing because he wants his mind blown. Ryan is amazed, as they all are, by her poise and confidence, and she giggles that she likes it on stage, and he awkwardly asks where her confidence comes from, she doesn't come up with an answer because there isn't one, and he pronounces her "born for the spotlight." Thereby making her look kind of dumb, which she is not. Then he really fucks up by noticing how short he looks to her on the monitor -- and how "small." She gives about a tenth of a second of "did you just motherfucking call me fat?" because making a cry-face for sympathy. He responds to this by sticking out his elbows in an effort to compete with her on the screen, and ends up looking like he's imitating a Macy's parade balloon, and none of this makes any sense, and I can't imagine that he felt good about this faux pas afterwards, but: WHAT ON EARTH, Seacrest? Are you high?
Ryan giggles with the boys about how the girls are so good, except for Antonella, and then introduces Nicole, the one that looks like a Gyllenhaal crossed with Kristin Wiig, and her auditions that I don't really believe ever happened because I did not see them with my own two eyes. I frankly think she's a made-up individual, and the supporting evidence for that is coming up in a second. She sang in Hollywood, and sat at breakfast with Melinda and was in a group with her. Or so they would have you believe. She's super cute, if she exists at all. She tells us she's a hard worker, and then gets to work. Oh no, oh no. What's wrong with that girl on the TV? Holy crap! What's wrong? What? What? What is going on? Why...is she angry? Is she singing? Is she drunk? Is she having an event? Did she have a drink from Paula's glass when they weren't looking? She's ...I don't understand how this could be on purpose. She goes from screeching to...hooting? Mooing? I don't know what she's doing. She keeps jerking around and her face keeps going crazy, and growling happens, and...at the end she holds her arm toward the camera like "Why? Why?" and then smiles brightly like she did something awesome. Randy calls it a mixture of the Chaka and the Erykah Badu versions of the song, but I thought at first he was calling it a "shocker." Which is really what it was. It was shocking! I was shocked! Paula brings up the great range, which it's true she had, but like I could have a lovely bunch of bananas, you're still not going to want them if I'm carrying them around in a beehive that's having a seizure.
"A performance that was God out of this world and I'm not kidding," says Paula. Simon explains that it was indulgent, aggressive, looked unnatural and fake, and that it was over-rehearsed. I agree that it looked unnatural, but like Silent Hill unnatural, not like...I don't know. I don't get it. I like Erykah Badu, I mean, I know the song, but what she was doing was against nature. Randy calls it "too urban," and she says that's fine, she loves the song, and she accepts the criticism. Ryan asks what she thinks about the "indulgent" part, and she says "no comment," and Simon calls them both "indulgent," and Ryan calls it the pot calling the kettle black, and they play-fight and whatever, giggle, and I don't know. They should just indulge, already. Either way, consider Nicole tonight's recipient of the Sundance Head Memorial Night In White Satin Award For Total Balls-Out Weirdness In A Situation Where An Amount Of Weirdness Was Acceptable Or Even Called For But Which Was Vastly Lower Than The Amount Of Weirdness That Actually Resulted. (Also called by the Academy the "Voighty.")
Haley Scarnato is the same girl, I swear we have just seen her having a freakout a second ago, while named "Nicole." She tells us her journey has been "surreal," she's from San Antonio, and since auditioning she has gained face weight and turned into Nicole. She's totally cute, I get no read on her at all, she's wearing a pantsuit/corset deal with a Lost City Of Gold necklace that when combined with the one found around the neck of her long-lost brother will cause things to happen. And what she's doing is singing that song about how it's all coming back to me that Kat sang, and Meatloaf or whatever. And what my notes say is: "Gross, gross, gross." I think it's the song that's pissing me off, but she has this very mannered, annoying, Broadway kind of enunciating problem that, when you're talking about a song with very annoying straightforward lyrics about like touching you like this and holding you like that, combines to be kind of...you know Julianne Moore in The Big Lebowski? Like that. "The physical act of love, do you enjoy it, Meatloaf? Say the word penis, Meatloaf." This bleating, whining, neverending onslaught of "it" and how "it" won't stop "coming back" to her no matter what. She's too cute to sound this crappy. It's too sad. Even the lightshow and the wiggly backdrop are like, "Eh, I guess so." Why doesn't this song know how to end? Why does it keep coming back to her? Simon says something disparaging as she's finishing up, and before Randy can even explain that she sucked, somebody in either the Dawg Pound or the audience boos. Lame. He says she did nothing special, and Simon mutters to Paula something, and Paula mutters to who knows something about the song. Simon explains that she sounded forty, and that it was like being at a reasonably good hotel, and that everything about her is old. With a good voice like that, you should be younger, and you've ruined yourself. Randy and Paula both go, "Yeah." Ryan asks what she's going to do now, and she says they can go to hell and that the horrible song is her "style," and that she wants to stick to who she is. They applaud, of course, and Simon's like, "You're dead now, girl." He and Randy take umbrage at her blowing them off, and Ryan's like, "You know they're trying to help, right?" She doesn't get it. Good. I'm glad. Stick to your thing, dummy.
Tomorrow night, there will FANT ASIA and four people will go home. For now, we must contend with the outrageous leprechaunian sweetness of Melinda Doolittle. Simon called her on her lack of confidence and attitude, but pointed out how she is a brilliant singer. She talks about the walk from the back mic to the front mic, coming from being a background singer, is long and scary. She talks about this at length, and it's just so sweet. She's like the neatest person. She's so full of joy and bad posture and niceness. She's like a greeter at Wal Mart, is how nice she is. That sounds...I mean that she is clearly a really good person, and she can do anything. She is also cute as hell, and can grant wishes. I want to be her best friend. I thought my case of the Blakes was going to hurt the girls' standing with me, but tonight is actually pretty awesome. I don't know what to say about the singing, it is awesome. You can see her giant face from so far away, and there are magic sounds coming out of it. The song is called "Since You've Been Gone," and she's amazing. Randy loses his mind about how great she was, the crowd is on fire, he calls her "naturally gifted" and "the bomb," and surmises that she has blown it out the box. Paula I don't know what she's talking about, of course, and Melinda is so pleased with their lovely comments. Simon writes her a total love letter about how she's a fantastic singer and a "fantastic person," and how everybody else is arrogant compared to her. He actually says he really hopes she does well. Me too! Then Ryan calls it a "love letter," because we are secretly connected. By our hearts! He adores her for awhile and then says that Gina G and Alaina are going to sing the Pretenders and Celine Dion. And obviously they are going to do this in that order, right?
Ryan makes fun of Alaina and the constant crying. It's true, she's the only person I know that cries more than I do. Or hates and fears higher education more than I do. College is like the Blair Witch to her. I think I know why people hate her, but I cannot hate her. She makes me understand also why people hate Katharine McPhee, whom I also don't hate, but altogether Alaina has helped me to understand some things. So Alaina is now singing not Celine Dion, but in fact the Pretenders. I mean, she's singing, I guess. I have a thing about the Pretenders where I hate them? Especially this song? They go in that weird Jacob-defined subgroup of like Aerosmith and whatever else. Oh, I like Queen now. That's new. And like I know that Heart should be in that group, but isn't. You know what, I like that "Human On The Inside" song, that's a song I like. But this song is completely stupid. "I'm going to use my arms and legs to make you notice that I am special." Did you ever think about this song? When Alaina is singing this song, it's easy to think about this song's lyrics and whatever, because she sucks. The judges tell her that she's sucky, and Simon tells her that she is not special. Antonella climbs around on the couch and is horrified. That song is so much less exciting than it thinks it is, you know? Terrible. "I'm going to use my arms and legs to make you notice that I am special." Simon says she's relying on her looks and not her voice, at this point, and she goes: "Nice." Ryan talks up her passion and how serious she is, because Ryan loves her like I do, because Ryan loves the smell of money. Simon asks if he's trying to date her, and Ryan is cheesed immensely about this, and cutting Simon out of this conversation henceforth. I don't know what the problem is there, but I bet it has to do with gay sex. He babbles for a while, and Alaina babbles, and that's them, on stage. For a while.
Gina talks about how she got cut in Hollywood last year, and we see her crying about it, and then see her solo with the awesome piano before the Chair. "I'm tired of auditioning for American Idol," she chuckles. That's like the last time I will ever care about her, though. She sings "All By Myself," which I guess we're calling a Celine Dion song now. I didn't even know she sang that song. My brother John-John sings that song to me sometimes; he is better than Gina Glocksen right now. However, her boyfriend is still wildly hot, and she's dressed like if Björk turned out to be the Dark Phoenix, but had to assemble her Dark Phoenix outfits from three-season-old Express back-orders. Randy says it was cool and kinda nice, and that she's surprised him. Paula agrees that it was the right song to sing. I guess I'm rooting for her, I've always liked her, and the point that it's a surprising song for her is valid. Simon thinks she missed the one great big note that I didn't know we were looking for, and Gina's cool about it. Ryan asks how confident she's feeling -- six before she sang, "about a twelve" now that they've weighed in. I like what she's saying here, and she's disagreeing with Simon without coming off silly or pissing him off, which is like impossible, so she gets points for that. Whatever, jury's still out. She can sing, and I like her, I just haven't been feeling her that much this season. "I make my own clothes. From other clothes that I buy at Ross and then cut up. Do you like my boots? I took 'em off a hobo. Do you like my pink streaks? I'm 32 years old."
Lakisha will be singing "And I Am Telling You," which I guess we're all just calling "that Jennifer Hudson song" from now until eternity. I have never, ever been able to figure out where the song part of this song is located. I've not heard it from start to finish very many times...or have I? There's no way of knowing. I think I've got it, and then it just slips away and zigs when I think it's going to zag. It's like Star Wars. Any point in the song, I know where we're at, but after a few seconds it's like, "Who's that guy again? Is he involved with the robot problem? Is this the beginning of the song? Did we just start over? Why are they in the garbage?" Or The Number 23, I saw that this weekend against the advice of everyone I love. This song is like that. "Is this part real? Are we going back to the other part? Didn't she just say that part? So now it's over?" The J-Hud song gives me Memento disease. It's "Bohemian Rhapsody" for big girls. Lakisha does wonderful little dances. "I do love you," Randy says, and compares her to a lady of whom I am not aware, and says that Jennifer Hudson should watch out. I don't actually know who Jennifer Hudson is, either, so this is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles. Paula talks about how awesome she is, and Simon A) dings Gina Glocksen for talking back ("That actually was the right note") and then B) tells the other 23 people to go home. Ryan wiggles and jiggles and wags and giggles and tells her how she's so amazing and wonderful, and they are both like "Dang" about how much Randy and Simon love her. Nicole thinks about how she's going home; they talk about Lakisha's daughter. Happy birthday, little girl! Your mom rocked out a song that has no rhyme or reason, no beginning or end!
Ryan asks Randy how many girls he'd want in the Top 12, if they didn't have the gender split, and he says only four boys and eight girls, because the girls were great. Paula tells the people to pick songs which will enable them to shine, and tells Lakisha that she shined. Simon: "There were three or four people tonight in a different league," and says that Lakisha has "thrown down the gauntlet," and mentions again how much he loved her. Ryan stares into the camera with this like defiant look about how if you didn't blink when he got a pedicure, and you didn't notice when he got the frosted tips, you'd have to be pretty classless to call him gay for loving this song. Which he loves. Loves from his pedicure to his frosted tips, and all the hairless territory in between, and you can do with that knowledge whatever the good goddamn you like.