Okay, let's see how many fellas we can name. There's sweet Tyler Grady, and defrauding Todrick with his fake gross eyeballs, and butterface Casey. And the three-to-fifteen little boys, and Big Mike. Oh, and the man they call Muñoz, whom we've never once actually seen, and the Jermaine That Remains. That's nine, but we can't really count the little boys because I couldn't put names to faces if I tried, and they all have aggressively generic names like they're in witness protection anyway, so we're looking at a solid one-half. Oh, and John Park, and that annoying Ed Hardy guy. And neck tattoo. So we're about the same as last night.
Ryan's intro goes, "...This is American... Simon stop talking!" and then it cuts to the logo. So genius. Okay, now we will remember the people. It looks like fake contacts will once again come first with Todrick in the lead, wearing black leather that promises to be a train wreck. Aaron Kelly in dressed-down plaid and being the most memorable of the little boys, but also the most endangered. Charming Jermaine rocking excellent style as usual, Tim Urban in a very flattering jacket, Joe Muñoz in a fucking hipster scarf, Tyler Grady doing a perfect Roger Waters thing as is his wont, Lee Dewyze fresh from a Nickelback concert, and John Park off whom Ryan cannot take his eyes, because why on Earth would you.
Big Mike there's being huge some more and making a terrifying face like he's going to eat the camera and take its strength, which cracks Ryan up. Clueless Alex Lambert who hopefully will be pissy some more, Casey looking like the dirty version of Tyler, plus very much like Lance Bass right now, and Andrew Garcia in the last spot, which is going to be awesome. Ellen and Randy are wearing sweaters that suit them, Kara's dressed like Aunty Entity of Bartertown, and Simon's daring to show off his entire chest. Not even Randy can be as enthusiastic as it sounds when he says the girls "blew it out last night." If by "it" you mean "chunks," then yes, I suppose you're not a dim-brained, soulless ass-monkey saying whatever you think will make the producers keep you past your contract.
Kara and Ryan talk about Bikini Kill and how she's worn a bikini onstage, and she asks if he means the boys should wear bikinis tonight, but Simon says -- and Kara agrees -- that they should try to emulate Laura Ingalls Wilder in some fashion. I don't know what they mean, but I love that. Ellen points out that if they don't sound good in the studio they're going to sound even worse at home, and Simon tells them if they forget the words like they did in rehearsal, their careers are completely over. Everybody shivers and Ryan swallows nervously like Gomer Pyle.
Todrick wrote that dumb song all about himself, because that's what he is, because it's his survival mode, and he's been amazed by how people have "recorded it" and sung it back to him. When you're the subject of the crazy you can't really be expected to understand how crazy Idol people are, especially when you're as far up your own ass as Todrick is. He'll be singing "Since U Been Gone," which is pretty awesome, but then does a whole radio R&B take on it, where the good things about the song -- the melody, the vocals -- no longer matter. I appreciate the attempt to be creative, and the chorus is arranged pretty great, but his voice is flat and lame anyway in the few parts he does sing. Points for novelty and effort, but those are all he's got or will ever have, not to mention you could have done that with like any song. This is exactly my fear with Andrew, that he'll do yet another Plain White T's version of some pop song and they'll rip him for it.
The cheering of the crowd is nothing to his self-congratulation; Ellen loved it of course but notes his crummy singing. Randy says he changed it way too much, which is half the truth because the real truth is that he changed it to shitty. Kara agrees and points out that Todrick is a good singer and has managed to completely undersell that fact by doing a version intended to cover for bad singers. Simon calls him a "dancer trying to sing," which is going to be the death of him, and says this was a murder, not a transformation. "You can boo all you want, nobody's going to buy it," he explains to the crowd, and calls Todrick "stupid," then changes "murder" to "torture" and calls it a day. Simon asks where that version came from originally and Todrick says "in my head," which made me like him a little bit more.
I think Tyler Perry has set the bar too high for every single one of us. Anyway, young Aaron Kelly with the skin issues sang "Angels" (McLachlan not Robbie) in Hollywood and forgot the words, but then remembered them. It is a white-knuckle situation to hear about, but it wasn't that interesting when it happened. So he bootstrapped and trimmed his eyebrows a bit and will now be singing "Here Comes Goodbye" by (Master Flash? Rascal Flatts), which means it's going to be in that narrow margin of country that isn't totally annoying but still isn't something I want listen to on purpose. Honestly if there were an entire episode of people doing different versions of "God Bless The Broken Road" I'd be fine. And so this other song... Which he will be singing flat, and through his nose. Ouch.
I like Aaron and I like having the pop-country person around -- I've made my peace with that and look forward to it these days -- but I don't think this amateurish shit is going to fly. He gets some pity applause for his last big glory note, and smiles hugely, but I think he knows how terrible that was. Let's see. Simon says it went well considering he's sixteen and it's his first live show, and that he has no commitment to the performance, which almost makes him cry, but Simon reminds him that he is adorable and that will take him far, and that he's safe. Kara says he has a great and raw natural talent, and will get better every week. The one time "pitchy" is the only word you need, Randy low-balls it and then kicks to Ellen, who says he's going far in the competition, and also... Stay humble, but don't be so humble, or something. Ryan says his tiny body and his great big voice are counterintuitive, and makes much of Aaron's dimples, and it's a little uncomfortable. Aaron loves Ryan but doesn't know exactly what to think of him, which is always entertaining.
When I see Zooey Deschanel vintage shopping on her effing fixie and singing in her indie band, it makes me like her very much less. But when the song she's singing is "Cotton: The Fabric Of Our Lives," it somehow balances all that out. I think in twenty years we're going to look at her career and be like, "Nobody knew back then that she was going to end up the Dian Fossey." Or possibly Patty Hearst. One of the two.
Sidebar: Sitting between Lacey and Lilly, Crystal looks like a million bucks. She's actually quite pretty when she's not waving her hands in your face about how gross she is, especially since whoever it was took sandpaper to those teeth of hers.
Now, Jermaine is reminding us how he threw the band under the bus, but has learned to regret it, no mention of his neck tattoo at all, and then some inspiring words I didn't listen to. He'll be singing "Get Here," which is like the "Battlefield" of songs that are basically lists of transportation methods. You can reach him by subway or maglev train or by walking over hills or through telepathy or a Honda Civic or through email or by carrier pigeon or leaving a time-travelling message in the Lake House mailbox. Or on his Blackberry. There's one very exciting part and a whole lot of pitch issues, but mostly it's as boring as... Any other list of things.
Ellen loves his look, of course, and the song, but thinks he was not actually emotionally connecting to the song so much as performing it. Randy says he overreached vocally and forgot that the melody is actually worth singing. Kara looks like an overtanned skeleton with ganguro makeup and she's dressed like those guys that killed the Morlocks and crucified poor Warren Worthington III. Simon calls it an over-50s piano bar request, and says he screamed and has blown it.
Jermaine does a little dance and nobody knows what the fuck he's talking about, which is the Stanky Leg, and they talk about Hollywood Week a bit and it's boring. But then Ryan asks if Jermaine and Michael have made up and Jermaine -- in the middle of explaining that he's not a diva -- goes, "Who is Michael?" So they call Pianist Michael up to hug him, and then Ryan gets all sassy with Simon and calls him Prettyboy, and it's ever so excellent. I wish Pianist Michael would have a blog or something, because I think he's a delight.
Big Mike hulks in the corner as we chat with Tim Urban about how delicious Coca-Cola products are when you put them in your mouth. SO PUT THEM IN YOUR MOUTH. Meanwhile, we learn that he's the one that got cut at first, which I didn't think they were going to tell us. But then Brian Krakow got thrown off, which is fine because his last name was "Golightly" and every time I hear or think that name there's a little racist Mickey Rooney pops up in the back of my head screaming "Miss Gorightry!" and it makes me feel terrible both for being white generally and for loving that movie specifically, so good riddance. Think of Idol as just another foster home. Anyway, now Tim is back on, but he didn't tell his family at all because he thought it would be cool if they found out on TV. Ryan finds this both cute and disturbing. The way Tim talks is kind of Mormon, which explains a lot about how cute he is.
So Tim went home sad, but then the producers called him back, glorious teen-boy helmet of hair completely unaffected. Janell loves him too, so that's good enough for me. And... "Apologize" is his song! Hmm. This song has never been done well on this show. Not even when OneRepublic Himself did it was it good. The backup is really weird and cool, which is good, and his voice is smooth, but this song is all about the falsetto, which... Yep. There we go... Oh, oops... Well, this is a bloodbath suddenly. No thanks, I love this song too much. Bleep-bloop.
Staring dreamily into the camera and looking like a twenty-year-old Jon Groff is a good start to redeeming that shit. Simon says he didn't deserve to come back if that's the kind of shit he's bringing to the table, and that people will feel sorry for him maybe enough to save him. Tim's eyes well up and he is sweet and darling and sad, and he wavers between turning into Poochie and breaking down in tears. Kara says his outstanding cuteness is his only hope right now, but he needs to pull it together. The others agree; Ellen says he's a much better singer when his mouth is closed, and says the word "adorable" about a million times, and then Ryan asks him to speak for himself. Hmm. Stretch attempt to keep that face onscreen as long as possible? Or honest attempt to let Tim's level-headed friendliness shine through?
Because Tim speaks well, and intelligently, but has nothing really to share at this time. Ryan asks him why he switched last minute -- acknowledging as every other person has done how totally cute Tim is -- and Tim says he switched because he didn't want to cut down the song he originally chose. Because God forbid with two hours and seven minutes of this crap we should have to look at that punim a little longer.
Ryan and Simon get way giggly and Randy desperately tries to get attention from us or from anybody at all, mugging at the camera and throwing signs literally in front of Ryan's face. Ryan asks if Kara's excited about Casey coming on and she pretends not to know who that is because the joke's getting boring, and then we talk to Joe Muñoz, who is so boring it's sort of a relief that we never met him before. And then he's going to sing Jason Mraz with that fucking scarf on, which is two strikes right there.
"You & I Both" is such a pretense of a song, but this arrangement makes it seem even more dickless than the original, which at least had some loft to the chorus. This just sounds like somebody singing along to a Pure Mood. His eyes are quite appealing, though. Maybe he'll pull the Quileute vote.
Ellen is moderately on Team Joe, the other judges ditto. I mean, what can you say to Joe Muñoz that hasn't already been said? Literally anything. They point out that he missed a bunch of notes, but seems like a nice person, but whatever. Simon points out that Joe is not a star and never will be, and that it was both safe and forgettable, and that's on Joe, because we're going to forget him in ten. Agreed one hundred percent. Kara argues with him like Simon's an authority, like, "Can't we give him more time?" And it's like, are you new? It's not up to Simon. It's not an opinion. He's saying what the votes are going to be, not making a decision of any kind. I hate when contestants do it but having Kara do it is really frustrating. So Joe says some other stuff you forget when he's saying it, and we move on.
To Tyler Grady and the so much face he's got going on. He says he connected to Kara and Posh when he was performing, but that he also wants to be recognized for his vocals. "American Woman." I guess that was to be expected. He starts in this bluesy simple arrangement with this Jim Morrison thing, and then goes into the regular version, complete with Kravitz-esque "Oooh!" every now and then. He duffs a few notes but has that whole sex thing down. He seems a little less confident than he has in the past, but he's clearly practiced this a whole lot and it carries him through. Least good thing he's done to date, but very much what he's good at.
Simon's first up and says that on the plus side, it was memorable, but that partly this is for the wrong reasons: The issue is that he seems to have through Pretend To Be A Rock Star School, and Kara agrees, saying that Jim Morrison is "all up in [his] room" and that it ends up being not so original and old-seeming. She says to think about Phoenix and the whole "1901"/Time As A Color mashup thing instead of just doing the poses. That is excellent, excellent advice! I am so glad Kara (and occasionally Randy) are smart this year. Ellen agrees with them, and doesn't mention the upside of how he's totally hot. I bet Ryan will. He asks about "singing v. style" as a concept -- which is an excellent subject for Ryan to be thinking about because he's from the future, where there's no difference between the two at all -- and Tyler correctly responds that he has no idea what he's going to be doing, which is going to be fun. Exactly. They just gave him the Blake/Adam pass to go nuts, which they don't do unless they think you can handle it. I hope he does.
Lee Dewyze and his lovely voice remembers how Ellen and Kara sang along when he sang the Fray, and then he cried and cried. I hope he does well, because I think the more he's around the less he'll get on my nerves. Although his personality seems to be a lot more cowed tonight by the live stuff, which makes him easier to take. I hope he picks a nice song... Oh my God, "Chasing Cars." I'm just going to be quiet while he sings this, because I love that song -- have you heard the cover by the K's Choice lady, Sarah Bettens? So good -- and Lee has maybe my second-favorite voice of all the guys.
...Wow, that was pretty great in concept and it sort of got to me because he has a wonderful voice, but he hit less notes than he missed, like, it was really egregious. Ellen loves the rough edge of his lovely voice, but that he went flat every time he "pushed," which is quickly becoming her "pitchy." Randy hated the song choice, but only for the retarded reason that he was expecting something else, like Kings of Leon. Which is not a valid problem, you guys! "This cheeseburger makes for one shitty ice-cream sundae." Not a critique! Judge on the merits!
Kara says, on the other hand, that the song is not a song with a lot of vocal range, and his attempts to transpose and create an actual vocal showpiece just rendered the song bizarre. Which is very insightful and true, but still isn't really the problem -- the problem is that he fucked up the pitch. But then Simon says it was the best thing of the night, and that he loves him, which is awesome because that's a stretch for him after Cook and DAUGHTRY to say that, and because I like him for the same reasons Simon means.
Ryan asks Randy/Kara what they didn't hear that Simon/Ellen did hear, and Randy goes, "It's because I like Kings of Leon that this song was bad." That's basically verbatim what he said. Shut the fuck up, Randy. This is why we ignore you. Then Lee says that he never wants to forget the feeling of being on stage right now, and everybody is touched. (I am touched too, but I'm more touched thinking about how much I loved the original Being Human pilot, which is what made me finally love this song in the first place, and also about kissing Russell Tovey, like, constantly.) So I guess I like Lee, and if that was faulty it was still the best thing so far, but I don't trust him yet.
God, how many is this? Oh, John Park! Being adorable about the mutual crush on Shania Twain and how he wants to marry her, and there are lots of shots of her being cute, and then he sings "God Bless The Child," which he sings in a very Bublé way that scrapes along the bottom of his range but not in that distracting a way. Casey likes to do a little dance while John sings. It sounds very nice, not really my thing but way more professional than most of what we've seen tonight automatically. I can't be trusted to say if it's good because I hate stuff like this, but the crowd seems pleased.
Simon tells him that he hasn't quite the voice for a song like this, and calls it a very unemotional rendition, and therefore pointless. Dude, John's dad is nearly as hot as he is, he looks like Clark Kent. Kara agrees with Simon, unexpectedly, saying that no matter how big his voice is, it wasn't unemotional. In fact, it was "loungy" and a little indulgent, and she can't figure out what his lane is. I agree: I was surprised that he chose that, but only because -- I realized a second later -- I have no idea what John Park is all about. Being hot. I thought that was enough, but now I can see how it's hard to market in this venue.
Ellen talks about how boring his song choice was, and that while the performance was great, it didn't tell us anything new about him or the song or music itself. Ryan asks what he was thinking, and John says it was personal and that he loves it, because he loves his parents -- Aww, goes the crowd -- and wants to help support his family. Which is a very moving reason if you think about it, yes -- "God bless the child who's got his own" is another way of saying "teenage hustling" and that's why I love the song too -- but that still doesn't change anything about the performance.
Hey Michael Lynche did you maybe have a baby at some point? Could you tell us a little bit about that?
And then could you play jazz guitar and sing "This Love"? I wager that this is going to be awesome, because even though the elements are annoying and random you've still got his great voice and wonderful onstage persona, and the funniness of the hugest man in the world playing a song by the skinniest anorexic hottie of all time. He's so great! He's a mix of so many great things, like a wonderful little brother and a giant dad and a totally boundary-free fan of music, all of which I like. He's just the sweetest.
Ellen loves his personality and jovial disposition, and praises his song choice -- noting pitch problems, which were minimal compared to everybody else -- and she and Randy complain about how Big Mike squoze them too hard and bruised them, which is hilarious but I think is not a joke. Kara says that life in the studio was depressing until now, and that he's only great tonight by comparison, so he needs to challenge himself more. Simon says that it was like a second-bill opening band, vague and less personable than he really is, and that furthermore Mike's going to agree with him later when he listens to it. I agree to all of that, too. Then Ryan's like, "But don't we all love him and his goddamn baby? And how when he holds a guitar it looks like a ukulele?" And we do.
Alex Lambert's mullet -- emo in the front, party in the back -- and then Simon thanking us for making Idol a part of our evening, and then Alex complaining about Mary Powers. Which, I'm always ready to bag on that piece, but it's still all we know about him: He bore the brunt, and not with total class. Then he sings a song about how it's a "wonderful world" that sounds like Jack Johnson and I don't really care where it came from. James Morrison, in that same voice, which is not really my thing, but is clearly somewhere he feels comfortable. Man, that hair. That hair is such an eff you to us. And it's disturbing especially when paired with such an exquisitely tailored jacket. I would like to see him dressed up like A-Fed and we can really see what he's working with.
Simon says it was the worst, and that they both were happy when it was over, and that he was staring into the cameras because he was told to do so, and tells him not to call him "sir," and tells him he has a great voice for being so awkward to watch. Kara wants to hug him after that, and says that he tried really hard and it was sweet, but that he needs to pull it together. Ellen praises and supports his mullet, because you can't trust lesbians ever, and she says that while she likes bananas, occasionally they are not ripe enough to eat, and that Alex is that unripe banana. It's weird, and the crowd acts up about it like she's threatening to "eat" his "banana," which says more about them than anything else, namely that they are sexually arrested idiots with the attention span of goldfish. Ryan points out that Alex has performed live like twice and is terrified, and Alex talks about how great the band is, and seems to be a genuinely sweet kid. Ryan hopes he will "ripen" soon. Okay, that one deserved an ooooo. I give.
up: Dirty Sexy Casey James, singing... Bryan Adams. Well, isn't that something. How weird. What will it be? "Summer Of '69," he would do beautifully. If he sings "Heaven" I will start crying, the ugly kind, and I won't care if you see me do it. But if he sings that song about how you really really really love the woman, I will eat my hat. He's so much better than that. The funniest would be the "All For One" song about being a Musketeer, but that's a song for two and a half men, not the one and a half that is Casey. I wish he would sing the Coog's "Cherry Bomb." I wish anybody would sing "Cherry Bomb." Or Nenah Cherry. Or "Cherry Chapstick" by Yo La Tengo. Or that Garbage song that goes "Go Baby Go!" Or "Black Horse & Cherry Tree," he would totally rock that song. There are so many songs about cherries, I never knew that.
I'm actually getting really excited about this, despite my tentative ambivalence toward Casey as a thing. He is really quite good, isn't he? But first, let's remember that one time when he was nekkid and the way he makes Kara feel on the inside, and then look at his curling-ironed tendrils making him look like Ophelia or some kind of... Oh, "Heaven." Goodness. I love this song so much. This song makes me believe that there's somebody out there who meets my exacting standards. I mean, I guess the human way to say that would be: "This song makes me believe in love. Or at least that there's a person where when you look at them, it feels the same way as 'La Ritournelle.'" Whoever that person is, it's not Casey. But also, at this very moment, it's kind of Casey. I won't lie. Good Lord.
Kara and Casey are so totally awkward and weird and hilarious and pretends that he was singing the song just to her, which is indeed how it felt, and they joke around about that instead of giving a critique, which, who cares because he's so going through and it doesn't matter. Ellen says the exact same thing, which is that Casey is so fucking safe he didn't even need to be so wonderful just now, and they don't really need to weigh in. Randy says that unlike Kara, he doesn't like Casey "in that way," but that he loves him as much as everybody. Kara says that his hotness matters not a lick compared to what he just did... And Simon says exactly the same. I love how they're like, "We want to fuck you anyway, so thanks for being so talented."
Then Simon calls Kara a cougar, which is amazing, and even more amazing is when Casey sweetly thanks them, saying that he was expecting to get ripped apart, and then Ryan cracks a seriously hilarious joke about how Thursday is Results, but Friday will be a "two-hour event" all about Kara's HR hearing. Nicely played, Seacrest. Way to make that played-out joke funny again. I mean, I have no problem with Kara's part in this, and Casey's certainly blameless, but I'm gonna need about half the people who are currently involved in this joke (or trying to be, Randy Jackson) to step to the side, because there are too many cooks in the kitchen and it's making everybody uncomfortable.
Okay, that was great, and Andrew is the last one, which means he's got three things working for him: The momentum of the night, which is always interesting to watch how the show constructs that, but especially in these first weeks when they're juggling so many people; the fact that he's going last, which always means something dramatic is going to happen; and the fact that he's Andrew Garcia, whose voice is superb.
"Sugar, We're Going Down." God, he's amazing. This song has the most beautiful chorus, lyrically and melodically. To get the full effect you should hear the Patrick Stump remix. He's the one from Fall Out Boy that is actually the point of Fall Out Boy, and he's so talented, and beautiful, and he gets zero credit. (I'll be your number one with a bullet/ a loaded God complex/ cock it & pull it is like the most romantic lyric I've ever heard in my entire life.) And this has always been true, since even before you started seeing what's his name's dick everywhere. Mr. Simpson. Also talented? Andrew G, who turns it into a stoner love song and not the swirling Dance Dance Revolution pop song it usually is. All in all it's lovely, but along the same lines as everything he's done for us before, which the elderly judges can't be expected to know is coasting, because they just recently heard of, like, mashups.
Simon calls it unoriginal and unimpressive, and is bummed out because of how great Andrew actually is. Kara calls it a "strange rendition" but praises his risk-taking. They both talk about how "Straight Up" was great, but that he needs to not be a one-trick pony, which is what he's becoming. Randy has the unmitigated balls to use the term "tryhard," even though it's his own middle name and it's even on his birth certificate. Ellen hopes he gets better. Andrew says that he likes to have fun and will be having more fun later; I don't think he actually understood a single word of what they were saying, so we'll see.
Todrick was just basically Chris Sligh. Aaron Kelly was like when you accidentally date the Mathlete and learn that he's interesting and kind of cool, but by the time summer's over you can't remember the person you were that would date him. Jermaine was boring, Tim's eyes were too big for his stomach, Joe is who?, Tyler is still awesome, Lee was just fantastic, John's heart was in the right place, Big Mike was super fun, Alex was out of his depth and is hard to look at, Casey was absolutely amazing, and Andrew did a very good job at something he should not have been doing.
Tomorrow: Kris and Ireheta are coming to visit! Tim, Haeley and A-Rod will squeak, and much will be made of this. Jermaine/Joe and Katelyn -- and Michelle, or more likely Siobhan -- will go home, with Aaron and Michelle to follow shortly. Andrew/Casey/Mike and Katie/Crystal/Lilly will go be the winners, until people finally figure out what a fraud Lilly actually is and start giving their votes to Crystal, who actually deserves them. Todrick will be led away in handcuffs either for downloading music or on unlawful restraint charges. Ellen will talk Ryan through the difficult coming-out process, and Paula will send Kara unwanted, slightly eerie text messages about the dangers of fucking contestants.
Fingers crossed that week somebody will sing "Copacabana," that Andrew will surprise us, and that Haeley will take her Sanjaya powers firmly in hand and do something even more remarkable than she did on Tuesday. When you're dealt the Sanjaya card, you have got to commit to it 100% or else you'll be crushed, and Haeley must not be crushed. She's way too weird to lose.
See the show's most insane performances.
Whatever happened to past Idol rejects like William Hung and Bikini Girl? See what they're doing now.