My spirit is broken! Sundance shrieks and Sanjaya makes stupid faces, but it's the incredibly loud band that really makes the group sing ("Joy To The Sundance Is A Bullfrog") suck. Oh, and of all the people to sing the "you know I love the ladies" line, you can be assured that this stupid show picks AJ. He and Ryan go on a double-date with Michelle Rodriguez and Kristanna Loken, but make it back fast enough for the end of the stupid song. Safe: Phil, Sligh, Sundance of course, Blake, and after some dicking around, Jared. Nick is let go with zero fanfare, after a lovely but unmemorable performance of "Fever," as Sundance cries and sucks some more. Then safe: Stephanie, Gina, Sabrina, Melinda, and at the end of their row, Alaina gets the boot. That's just mean! She ruins "Not Ready To Make Nice" again, basically just dropping the mic for a group hug while the backup singers carry it. It's actually randomly poignant. Sundance continues to cry and stare into the camera like a douchebag crossed with a hungry inbred puppy, and speaking of which: Kellie Pickler then shows up yammering about sushi and sings a very long song -- fake boobs cinched up to her torso, fake tan more orange than Ryan's -- and then safe: Chris R (with a little Fake Jesus action) and Brandon, putting Sanjaya and AJ on the spot. Gay and boring/boringly gay, or gay and awesome/awesomely gay? AJ loses to the kiddie vote, and heads out "Feelin' Good." Not even Sanjaya can believe it, and Sundance continues to weep annoyingly; Melinda's sad face, on the other hand, is radically heartbreaking. Paula basically accuses America of blowing this show as a singing competition, which...it never was, so well done, Paula.
And in case you were thinking that's not entirely true, get this bullshit right here. So, safe: Lakisha, duh, and Haley, for awhile. Ryan lines up Antonella, Leslie, and Jordin. Do we even really have to say what happens ? Jordin's beside the point, and Antonella's one thousand disgusting photographs mean Leslie's going home. Devastating. So then I cried, and then I hated this show more than I've ever hated it, and drank a little, and then I went to bed and dreamed more about how Sundance is going to win this season, and when I woke up somebody was taking a picture of me on the toilet in New Jersey, and I still couldn't fucking sing, but at least I got to be on TV, because I have the ability to wear a moist t-shirt and act like a tramp, which is I guess more important than singing even passably well. Sanjaya and Antonella? Congrats. Won't last. In better news: Leslie is awesome, and she didn't need America to tell her that. I can't wait to see lots more from you in the years to come, and you were a total champ tonight. Rock and roll.
The girls ripped it up, and the guys threw it down, Ryan says. He's like Mary J. this week with the words. And the sass! He's dressed like Killers 2.0 in a skinny tie and Blake-adjacent hair, and looks like a million unhappy bucks. Meanwhile, everybody looks the same as ever, except Chris R. is wearing a counterintuitive hipster belt and Leslie is dressed like the world's wackiest babysitter. Ryan points out that the "always fun and candid Kellie Pickler" will be here shortly; one poor kid in the audience nearly starts crying at this news.
Remember the top ten guys and girls? Sligh was saved by a frogginess in his throat, Phil wasn't missing his hair at all, Chris was the geek in the pink, Sundance stayed true to his lack of roots, Nick was...what was I saying? Then Blake beatboxed and did some "vocal entendre" and wriggled gaily backstage; AJ wriggled gaily on-stage, but it wasn't enough. Sanjaya was sucky as hell and the judges called him on it, and Brandon was fabulous but begged a little too hard for votes. Jared was boringer than Nick, but Paula did some vocal entendres of her own. Then the ladies were like this: Gina finally got it together, somewhat, but was still not as good as Carrie singing "Alone," and Simon didn't like her cute dress. Lakisha was dressed scary and Simon hated it in a Mandisa way, Leslie was the best thing in the entire universe but Simon found her scatting to be Paula-esque. Jordin! sang that Mulan song some more, and Stephanie did a Beyoncé impression. Alaina butchered the Dixie Chicks and Antonella sang a Celine song, horribly, and then misspoke her snatchy self about how Simon was wrong about J-Hud, and was corrected. Sabrina was great, some other girl sang "Queen Of The Night," and Melinda's "Funny Valentine" was fucking amazing, because she can do anything, in addition to granting wishes and guarding her pot of gold.
Group sing more terrible than ever. Sundance screeching about how Jeremiah was a bullfrog, Jared twitching around, bad harmonies by boys; Leslie singing a beautiful countermelody over the group not quite loudly enough; Chris R. sounding not great compared to Chris S.; Haley and Jordin! singing sweetly; Sabrina and Phil being sexy, AJ singing about his love of the ladies and everybody grinning hilariously about that; Blake getting brutally rebuffed by the cameras; Gina pulling it out; Sabrina and Antonella not doing all that poorly together; Melinda getting central with a quickness; bad moves; hands in the air. Man, I hate that song about the bullfrog.
Ryan teases that we're about to get down to business, even though we're only one quarter of the way through. Here's the setup: back row is Phil, Sligh, Sundance, Blake and Jared. So they're fine. Bottom row: Nick I think, AJ, Sanjaya, Brandon and Chris R. That's gotta be scary. Brandon and Chris were awesome, but only one of them got the judges' approval. Sanjaya's going to be fine, absurdly, and Brandon and Chris are fine, so it's going to be Nick and AJ, but with Sanjaya in there as bait. Of course, it will take fifty times longer than it took to read this paragraph, but even if this shit were a half hour that would still be true. At least this way we get to see what has happened to Kellie Pickler. And let me tell you, it's worth seeing, because it is dire. I'm talking cautionary tale. When even Ryan Seacrest is implying that you should work on keeping it real...
They talk as a group about how it's still scary, and Chris R. says he's still scared, but his grandmother did enjoy dancing to his Mraz song. Phil stands up in the sudden darkness: he showed power and had tone, and Simon swore he was safe: he was. He was totally awesome, of course he's safe. Sligh was big-voiced, awesome, and proved his worth: also totally safe, because he's for people who think they're above this show and actually aren't, just like him. Sundance was "back," did his best vocals, and Simon welcomed the old, not-weird, stupid boring Sundance back. He's safe, because he's the opposite of Sligh in that he's for people without any irony in them. Blake goes, "Give it to me," and Ryan calls him "dope," "unique," and a copycat. Blake's not feeling that, whatever, he's safe, this is boring. I want blood. Jared's on the end of the top row, so Ryan calls him down to the stage and makes his stay back because he's too tall and can see the card. He started rough and was too physical, and reminded Simon of a singer on the Love Boat. He's...also safe. Making the bottom row that much harder and scarier. If this weren't already obvious.
Ryan asks Nick to stand up, and then immediately tells him he's going home. Sabrina gets teary and Ryan calls him "such a terrific guy." Randy says that he...Randy doesn't really say anything, let's be honest. Simon tells Nick to try harder to stand out in the crowd. Paula thanks him for not dropping out this year, and waiting for them to boot him the second they could. He sings "Fever" again, and again it's like being injected with narcolepsy. It's lovely and pointless and unmemorable, like eating some flan in the ongoing house fire that this show represents: it might be delicious, but you're not going to mention it to the firemen when they come, you know? You're going to worry about your pets, and Sanjaya, and Sundance, and Antonella's boobs. He forgets the words but is charming about it. He has all the ingredients! I don't get it. He's totally the living embodiment of that X Factor thing they talk about. In the corner, stupid fucking Sundance weeps and weeps. That's one, Sundance.
The whole idiotic trivia thing happens, where you win $10K and get to be at the pimpmercial, and then be in the audience. And we see last week's winner and...I don't know what to say about him because I don't feel any animus toward this person, so I will keep it shut, because he's a fan of the show and having a great time, and I don't understand how anybody can do either of those things, so clearly we're over my head right now. But I will say that Everquest, body odor, orthodontia, and South Beach are some words that you could make a list of, if you were in a list-making mood. And that sometimes the internet is a boon to people in terms of human contact.
Ryan brings down Kellie Pickler with her Tammy Wynette/Baby Jane hair, her giant fake tits, her inability to speak like a human being, her granny dress, and a stupid anecdote about sushi -- Ryan goes, "Darling, it's not really a spider," and won't chat with her about it -- and asks if she's been shopping for anything in particular, and then he shifts into my favorite Ryan flavor, which is Sneaky Ryan. She says she's bought a lot of shoes, and he makes direct eye contact with her giant fake breasts, and looks back up at her face like, "Seriously?" and then says it out loud! "Just shoes? Really?" and she does a stupid dance around in her ugly shoes and he is very pleased with himself, and I'm sorry, Joe, but I love him. It's not going away. I prayed for it to go away and it isn't going away, and it's the shit like this. ["Oh, I'm with you on this particular count. That was hilarious." -- Joe R] So she wiggles stupidly and fakely and we think about how Ryan made a point of calling her "candid" and then totally mentioned how she bought her boobs, and then she sings some damn song "that she co-wrote" that sounds suspiciously to me like TiVo fast-forwarding, with a beautiful bleep-boop! Ryan signs over the stage with a "Kellie Pickler! Priceless!" (Love!) Simon takes a fucking nap while this is happening, which is similarly a love moment, because I think what's happening is that either this show is becoming more like me, or I'm becoming more like this show. And those are two options that are bad news, not just for us but for America.
Front row guys, from the right this time. Chris was "hotter than the original," dedicated, and the best of the night by a mile: he's safe. Dur. is Brandon, who's not going anywhere: he bored Randy, did not wow Simon, but Paula "felt his heart" and "heard his voice in the song," and for once I'm on board. Also Jordin! almost cries with joy, and Melinda cuts a caper and produces rainbows. AJ and Sanjaya come down to the stage. Gay kid with confidence v. gay kid with no confidence; not-cute talent v. cute not-talent; Pinoi v. Indian. And AJ can do that math; Sanjaya can't believe it and almost vomits or passes out or otherwise acts silly. AJ says for sure Sanjaya wasn't going anywhere; Sanjaya's still not convinced Ryan's not punking him. Paula nearly cries, saying that tonight doesn't reflect the show as a singing competition. Innocence lost is always sad to watch. Randy agrees and tells AJ he's amazing and that perhaps this is not his train. Ryan's sort of bummed and likes the kid; his sing-out is just as dramatic and divalicious as it was two nights ago. It's funny, the AJ thing, because I really just did not get it the first week -- I was like, Sundance and AJ, what the hell. And he didn't really change it up that much this week, but MAN it was so different. I think I was the one that changed my stance, though, like I finally realized the scope of what he's doing as an artist, and the very fact that I can say that shit with a straight face means...oh, no! Melinda's crying! That's so sad! Sad Doolittle is like getting your nuts stapled to your leg! That's HORRIBLE! I don't know how I can go on!
Oh, that's how: Sundance fucking wiping his tears with the panty liner of his personality. And I'm back.
Bottom row ladies, from the left: Lakisha is safe with no fanfare. Haley is Nick Pedro in that I still have no idea she's on this show and won't remember her in a sec, but she's safe. Antonella and Leslie and Jordin! stand up, which is ridiculous, because obviously it's down to Antonella and Leslie. Even Gina, Leslie's friend on the show (and that speaks as highly of Gina as Antonella's relationship with Amanda speaks poorly of her), knows what's happening . Ryan mentions all the myriad ways that Antonella sucks, and then tells her she's safe. Gina breaks into a million pieces, as it's now Jordin and Leslie; I'm pretty sure I never once got choked up at this show. Leslie's going home, of course, and you can hear Gina's total loss of control over on the side, and Sabrina just throws an arm around her, because what can you do. Ryan goes, "What does this say about the voting?" Simon's like, "That's why we call it American idol; vote better." Paula reiterates that this show is suddenly bullshit and has nothing to do with music. Leslie's gorgeous and heartbreakingly sad.
Video goodbye of Nick being boring, Leslie being amazing and the love of my life, AJ being hopeful in life, Alaina reminding us that she exists, DAUGHTRY singing over the whole thing. Simon tells Alaina she doesn't suck, Randy invites AJ to Hollywood and he dances up a gay old storm. Leslie is adorable on a variety of stages and rocks this show's entire lame ass. The four of them sit in a Chair and talk about how it's been a long strange trip or whatever, and they are proud of what they've done. Leslie is...I loved Judd Harris, and that's like the only thing I knew about this show, but damn if Leslie Hunt isn't really something special. After the total train wreck that was Men's Night, I was mostly prepared for this, but it still sucks worse than Antonella's singing. She sings beautifully and strongly into the camera, with her moves and her absolute dedication to not getting her ass beat by this stupid show. The other women slowly join her onstage, not crowding her as she busts ass and sings beautifully; Doolittle's very proud of her as everybody crowds around.
As she reaches the end of her sing-out, she makes Doolittle laugh uproariously when, with her powerful, moving voice she shouts, "Why did I decide to scat? America don't care for jazz!" Which isn't true either; America loves jazz as long as it comes in the same predictable, boring, dusty packages that look the way we expect them to look. That wasn't the issue. In the end I think it was just a weird fit, and she didn't push far enough. She should have gone the Sligh/Blake route and sung impossible songs, because the show is finally far enough along on the cool cycle that it's possible to get votes with songs from this century, but the producers made her pick, and she picked the Elliot route, but she's too weird for the Elliot route. I think if she'd gone just absolutely crazy and sung those songs you never expected to hear on the show, like the guys are doing, she could have gone a lot farther. I mean, obviously I have my pet artists and songs that I would love from her, but even just a Top 40/Joan Osborne/KT Tunstall would have put her over the top, because this is the year you can do it, and this was the year her "type," such as you can call it that, could have stood out from the diva crowd. I mean, Regina Spektor or Björk or Jenny Lewis would have been awesome, but I realize that's going a bit far: I would have been satisfied with "Suddenly I See," or even "Black Horse" again, or one of the songs from Breakaway. "Candyman."
Can you imagine Leslie rocking out on "Candyman"? That would have kicked slap! Pop licensing is such right now that you've got more songs available than ever, because everything in commercials is fair game because they occupy the same brain place as crap like "Mustang Sally" -- which is why Blake's Keane song last week was so brilliant, because everybody's heard it a million times in the context of television, so it feels a lot more played out and accessible than it actually is. But this show made her decide, before she even know what this show was, or what the decision meant, and because of her vocal quality they went with the safe, old-white-man idea, which meant white-girl jazz, which is impossible to sell as-is, and didn't access half the stormy reaches of her voice, and for that they suck. She did her best, but she was doing straight up American Idol crap when she and Gina should have been doing futuristic stuff like the guys. I hope Gina learns this lesson moving forward: against those other girls, doing the predictable standards is never going to win, because we want Aretha songs out of big black girls, we want screaming and Mariah out of skinny black girls, and we want white girls to do the impossible, and that's what this show is like: they put something special and beautiful and new in an old, dusty box, and told us we didn't want it, and meanwhile Antonella is singing Celine Dion on the toilet with her breasts showing, in a perfect storm of pissing me off, and somewhere Sundance is still shitting himself he's crying so hard, and generally I don't feel this burned out on the show until well later in the season, but at this point my hatred of Sundance sustains me, and I'm actually feeling excited about this show again, in a whole new way. So I'll see you and the ladies week for the end of semis, and in the meantime, do yourself a favor and go find Leslie Hunt's MySpace, please, and stop looking at pictures of Antonella. They're bad for you.