I lack any additional childhood memories to explain why I found Ruben's album boring, for those of you who read the review of Clay's album. So sorry. Unless you hated my stupid anecdote. In which case: You're welcome.
Ruben's album, "Soulful," features a bland CD cover of Ruben standing in front of a graffiti-covered wall, with a poster on it featuring an image of the album cover of Ruben standing in front of a graffiti-covered wall. If you look closely at the poster on the poster, you can see a tiny image of Luther Vandross begging to be let out his magical prison.
Oh, and the mini-poster. I didn't mention that Clay's CD had one, too. I'm always embarrassed to be in possession of a pop performer mini-poster. This one features Ruben clutching a rhinestone-studded crucifix necklace up to his face, like he's about to put it in your mouth. If there's one thing the Bible has taught us, it's that Jesus just loves the bling-bling. The little posters bring back memories of being in my sister's bedroom when she was a high school freshman. Except, unlike Ruben and Clay, Corey Hart was hot.
Oh, I guess I got that childhood anecdote in after all.
1. "Sorry 2004." Regardless of how confident I might be about the appeal, I would never choose a song with that title to lead off a debut album. It's just asking for trouble, like when terrible movies have negative words in the title (like "bad") and the critics have a field day. This song is a slow R&B song that has Ruben whispering "I'm sorry" in it at various points. It makes me cringe in embarrassment. Songs shouldn't have stage whispering in them, unless they're trying to sound like a parody. Ruben's voice sounds nice and smooth in this song, but the lyrics are almost supernaturally dumb. The verses are just a list of mistakes which are comparable to Ruben's mistakes, whatever they are, for which he's sorry. The song is an apology to his girl for all his stupid mistakes. Wait, is "2004" his girlfriend? He's dating a year? I mean, he's big, but he's not that big. Oh, the apology in this song is in advance for any mistakes he might make in 2004. The blanket advance apology: When you need a way to tell your significant other, "I'm not even going to try to consider your feelings any more. I'll just apologize now and then do whatever the hell I want anyway." He even apologizes his way through each month, "in case [he doesn't] remember." He's really not selling me on the sincerity here. Maybe they should have called it "Yeah, Whatever 2004."
Unforgivable lyric: "It's like I forgot your gift on oh-two, fourteen, oh-three." Few things are sadder then trying to make the singing of a date sound hip.
2. "No Ruben." Following up a song titled "Sorry 2004" with a song titled "No Ruben" is just really asking for trouble. If there's a song titled "This Album Sucks," then these folks have nobody to blame for any bad reviews. It's like they're baiting the critics. This is an upbeat R&B/gospel/hip-hop-tinged shout-out to Ruben's family. The title means that if it weren't for Ruben's mom and family, we wouldn't have Ruben. And then Clay would have been the American Idol, so I'm about as grateful to Ruben's family as he is. The song has that level of self-absorption I find annoying in a lot of pop and hip-hop. I'm glad Ruben loves his family and all, but I'd rather be left out of the group hug, thanks. The reverse is also true: I'm really not interested in listening to Eminem rage against his mom. The appropriate place for such songs is as at family and school reunions, or in therapy.
Unforgivable lyric: "From listening to Fred Hammond to hanging out with Fred Hammond." Did Fred tell you, "Get that cross out of your mouth, you idiot"? I'm not going to pretend that I knew who Fred Hammond was until about five minutes ago (he's an R&B gospel singer), but having heard a sample through the magic of the internet, I wish I were listening to him instead.
3. "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart." One of these songs is not like the others…Ruben sounded nice when he sang this during the competition, when the theme was "The Bee Gees," but it just doesn't fit on this album. Plus, I think Ruben's original performance was better -- this one has too much warbling and a touch of breathiness.
Unforgivable lyric: "How can a loser ever win?" Try not losing so much.
4. "Take the Shot." What we have here is the theme song if the studios ever greenlight Space Jam 2. It's an upbeat song about taking risks with love, so there's going to have to be a romantic subplot in the movie. The song's actually about the girl making the first move (on Ruben), so I kind of like the sentiment, even if the extended sports metaphor makes me roll my eyes. I can picture the plot now, based on this song. A women's college basketball star has the hots for a local musician (played by Mekhi Phifer, as required by law), but she's afraid that she's too much of a tomboy to talk to him. However, when the aliens return for another attempt to conquer earth, she's the only one who can help the Looney Toons team win the game. And in the process, she discovers that the musician is drawn to who she really is, not what society expects a woman to be. Although, in the end, it doesn't stop her from getting all dolled up for their first date -- but it's because she wants to, not because it's what society wants her to do.
Call me, Warner Bros. We'll do lunch.
Unforgivable lyric: "You got it, you got it, you got it. Girl, just take it to the hole." Ew. They probably should have thought a little more before using that particular metaphor.
5. "What Is Sexy." Featuring Fat Joe. You know what I find sexy? Appropriate use of punctuation. Question marks are great things to put at the ends of questions. This is a pretty good, simple, danceable song about getting it on, but in a nice way. Ruben wants to get his freak on, but he tosses in words like "love" and "commitment," so nobody thinks he's too much of a playa. God forbid. Fat Joe raps a bridge about how hot either he or Ruben is. I don't know. I'm ninety-seven years old. I don't understand what those rappers are saying. I think there's a mash note to Alicia Keyes in there somewhere. Oh, I looked up the lyrics online. Fat Joe isn't apparently as interested in love and commitment as Ruben is. Overall, it's a good track that should play well in the clubs, but it's not particularly memorable.
Unforgivable lyric: "But the cribs and the cars and the jewels, I'm-a keep so I can floss with my boys on the weekends." "Floss"? I had to look that one up. It means "to show off." I'm so white. But that is some dumb-ass slang right there.
6. "What If." What if you learned how to use the question mark? This is slower R&B number reminiscent of "Sorry 2004." Ruben sings to his girl in this song, worrying whether she would still love him if he didn't have any bling to floss. Wow. I'm really, really white. It's a better song than "Sorry 2004," but that's not too hard a hurdle to jump. We're expected to care whether or not women love Ruben for who he is, rather than as an American Idol winner. I don't care.
Unforgivable lyric: "Girl, you know I'll do whatever it takes. You know I love you like I used to love cake." "Used to"? Oh, Ruben. Don't ask a girl to be honest with you if you're going to lie about your relationship with food.
7. "Superstar." Enough already! Neither Ruben nor Luther Vandross ever fell in love with a guitarist he heard on the radio. I really hate most cover songs. I don't care how well a person sings a song if the sentiment it contains has absolutely no relationship to them. And it doesn't. I've grown weary of people swooning over Ruben going "baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby" as if there's something to it. Can we retire this song, please?
Unforgivable lyric: "Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby."
8. "Can I Get Your Attention." Not unless you floss some damned punctuation, buddy. This is a terribly wretched hip-hop monstrosity in which the last word in every single line is "now." It's hard to describe the song, because it's just a big mess. It sounds like there are four or five different hip-hop elements within the song all jangling without any attempt to make them work together. It kind of reminds me of some of Mariah Carey's less-than-stellar hits like "Fantasy," where it sounds like three different songs are playing at the same time. And if that reference caused you to suddenly imagine Ruben in hot pants, you're welcome. This song also features Pretty Tony, who raps about living it up and giving it up.
Unforgivable lyric: The lyrics are almost undecipherable, to the point that they're not even available on common search sites.
9. "For All We Know." We go whipsawing into another musical direction for this bluesy Nat King Cole cover. There's just too much in this song. The sentiment is simple and melancholy, and they've muddled it all up with too many strings and keyboards. And Ruben goes way overboard in the ornamentation. Why does this sell? Who actually likes all this warbling? I really want to know. This song probably would have been much better had he sung it cleanly and they took out the keyboards and other unnecessary additions.
Unforgivable lyric: "I'll hold out my hand and my heart will be in it." Romantic or terribly creepy? You be the judge.
10. "Play Our Song." No, this isn't a cover of that awful J.Lo monstrosity. Oh no. This is much worse. Somebody introduces Ruben using the so-very-played-out "-izzle" shit. It's got Ruben declaring that this song is "strictly for the couples." This is one of those songs where they clearly wrote the lyrics separately without even knowing what the music would sound like, so they just stumble through them the best they can. Please see: any Destiny's Child song. There's a lot of funky mixing to the drum machine, but this song just doesn't have any soul to it. It's a make-out song, but it doesn't have any fire. It would be a good background song to a television or movie make-out scene, because it doesn't have enough presence to distract the audience away from what's going on.
Unforgivable lyric: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Jazzy Fizzle produshizzle." Just…no.
11. "Don't Quit On Me." What, begging me to finish this damned CD, are you? Stop being so boring, then. Wow, this song is awful. It's got the drum machine turned up loud, and a single guitar. Ruben's essentially chanting lyrics here begging his girlfriend not to dump him. This is just like "Sorry 2004," where Ruben is just apologizing for whatever it is he did wrong so she'll have sex with him. It's just…it's not even trying to be good hip-hop. It's just there, taking up space somewhere in the hip-hop spectrum where nobody will bother to look. And Ruben sounds sharp to me for most of the "singing."
Unforgivable lyric: "Let's make up so we can get it on, 'cuz you cussing me out, it turns me on." Yes, I think this relationship will really go the distance, folks.
12. "After the Candles Burn." Now this is good sex music. It's got the slow beat with the porn guitars, and that one regular drum tap every few seconds that keeps up the intensity. Okay, I admit it: I like this song. It's better than a lot of the other songs on the album, because it knows what it's supposed to be and what it's supposed to do, and it does it. This song makes you want to make out with somebody. Ruben doesn't oversing it, though he does get a bit loud in parts. It all works together. The instrumentals, Ruben's voice, and the background singers all mesh in the best proportion for what the song is supposed to evoke.
Unforgivable lyric: "Don't be surprised if I start to cry, from the emotions taking over our bodies, your body and mine." Okay, but don't be surprised if I burst out laughing.
13. "Flying Without Wings." Gack! The first of two bonus tracks. Who do I have to have make out with (to "After the Candles Burn") to kill this awful song? Find things that you like and they will make you happy! Yay! I follow the song's advice and turn it off, because I like the silence better.
Unforgivable lyric: "You're my special thing." Still. ["WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING A THING?" -- Tsathoggua]
14. "We Have Not Forgotten." The second bonus track, featuring the aforementioned Fred Hammond. Ah yes, we end with an R&B gospel song dedicated to the glory of God, in order to wash away all the sins of the sex and bling flossing previously referenced on the album. Just call this song "Sorry (Jesus) 2004." It's a bland cookie-cutter song that offers no real insight other than "We love you, God, because you do nice things for us!" And now you know why I worship my microwave.
Unforgivable lyric: "We lift our voice to you because above you there's no one." I'm sure it's not intentional, but it sounds like they're saying they're praising God only because they can't find anybody better.