So of all the surprises last night, and there were many -- Shania songs are awesome, almost everybody left was really good -- the one that is weirdest is the suckiness of Siobhan. I mean, Crystal was I guess "entitled" to one sub-par performance, but it was still better than anybody else, so it's not exactly shocking. But there seemed to be a real Emperor's New Clothes feeling with Siobhan, both in watching her performance and with the judges' comments. I am absolutely confused as to what happened there.
Tonight's magical guests include Shakira, Rascal Flatts, Sons of Sylvia and Lady Antebellum. I don't know who Sons of Sylvia are, but I have an issue with Lady Antebellum in which their name is really offensive. They seem like nice people, and I've been told I wouldn't hate their music, but: Lady Antebellum? Are you kidding me?
First up Rascal Flatts, a band nobody hates, fronted by a man I've always found pretty charming. Until tonight. He's not feeling it, like maybe he has the flu, and also the particular tics and things he does have changed and multiplied drastically, I think, in the last year. There's some urban twang in there, and random jumps into vibrato and thin country falsetto. He looks really... Diabetic. Is there something really wrong with him? Do we know anything about his health? Not to mention that his hair is brown and he has no eyebrows, two things I think were not true the last time we saw them. The rest of the band is still adorable, though. Also, this song is about doing the impossible and how you should keep believing, which is when I check out. Bleep-bloop.
...Oh, now the sick man is dancing up on Ryan Seacrest in a weirdly homophobic way, I guess because Shakira is going to get involved. That's not going to fly. Ryan kicks it to commercial like whoa. That was even less inspiring than I thought it would be, and way more annoying. I wish they would just sing "God Bless The Broken Road" and keep the rest of this to themselves.
None of the kids looks scared besides Siobhan and Aaron, but especially Mike does not look worried. The pimpmercial now has a making-of video in addition to the actual thing. It bugs me when they do that. So they are becoming vampires, to a Florence + The Machine song, and looking pretty hot altogether. Mike is the one getting eaten, and Crystal laughs about how there'll be plenty to go around. They screw around in the forest with weird contacts and costumes, and it's fun. Aaron looks like a prissy Cullen, particularly. Shocker there. At least Gokey isn't here to have some retarded made-up Harry Potter Jesus issue with this.
The song itself is the Bravery, which to me is just taking seriously gross liberties, especially to see Mike rocking out to it in the car and trying to give Aaron and Casey garlic pizza... I don't know. If I told you "It's the American Idol kids doing Twilight while singing the Bravery," you would know what I meant. Lots of dark blues and bright reds and Crystal looking hot as hell, and everybody mugging and hissing through their fangs. It gets one million for effort, and probably in its execution is one of the best ones they've ever done, but I mean.
Ryan is in the Shrek movie, so he's in with the people, so now let's watch an ad for those movies. The idols pretend to play Ryan's part in the movie, which seems to be playing himself, and that goes on for a long time with them doing bad impressions of various annoying celebrities, and Siobhan being weird. Honestly, Casey is probably the coolest part of this, because he seems to be impersonating Bo Bice. Then they all go to the screening, and a little girl tries to climb Ryan Seacrest. Little girls get to do things like that. Then I hear Antonio Banderas's voice and just like that... Bleep-bloop.
...Right into Cameron Diaz's lame ass, to do more discussing about how amazing the movie is. Nope. This is going to be the shortest recap of all time.
...Siobhan, stand up. "Any Man Of Mine" sounded like childbirth, was "country-punk," and Randy may have mentioned the word "wheelhouse." Did she like destroying the song in front of its singer? Yes. It was "wicked cool." Stage right. Aaron sang "You Got Away," a well-known song about fucking your mother. Randy mentioned the word "wheelhouse," and tonight clarifies that he is in his element. Center stage. Big Mike sang "It Only Hurts..." and it was like Luther Vandross. Randy may have said this was in his "wheelhouse." Simon explains that "wet" and "girly" are like if Ryan was singing, and Ryan is not hurt by this because this was rehearsed. Stage left.
Lee sang "You're Still The One" so fucking awesome, and everybody loved it so much. Ryan asks if it was hard to make such a well-known song his "only," ouch, and Lee tosses the word "genre" around, and Jackson wonders about his "wheelhouse," and he joins Siobhan stage right. Casey did some amazing thing that I didn't get at all, but the judges and Casey himself thought was brilliant. Kara goes back to the crush well one more fucking time, and explains that Casey has a range and we should be able to hear it. I don't remember one second of that performance. Stage left, with Mike. Crystal, to rousing screams and cheers, stands up to talk about "No One Needs To Know," which the judges liked to a certain extent but was not that remarkable. Ryan points out that this is the only time they didn't love her. Ellen says America is not fickle enough to punish her for this one time where she was not the best. Center stage with Aaron.
So it goes Siobhan/Lee, Aaron/Crystal, Mike/Casey. I'm guessing the B3 are one of each of these pairs? No, Ryan takes Siobhan slowly toward the couches, but then parks her to Casey and Mike: And that's the Bottom Three. Good, that's who should be the Bottom Three. That is exactly who. Mike and Casey because they were boring, and Siobhan because she was horrible.
And we're only halfway done? This show. Plus once again they cut Glee, so I'm angry. So I guess the point of Sons of Sylvia is that Carrie Underwood knows them. Well, if Carrie's in, I can handle it. Plus cute hipsters with fiddles, that can't be wrong. They're like a museum of hairdos in skinny jeans, and the song is very '90s but in a good way, like a more bass-heavy OneRepublic. The sound mix is really weird, I think, but you can still see what they're doing. It's all sort of driving and thrilling with a lot of Def Leppard-style OHH! yelling in there, and occasional fiddle just for show. He looks like Big Country.
I think with all the references and complications -- the fiddle swinging limp in his hand most of the song, the tortured expressions on their faces -- I am unable to actually hear the song, but if I could I would probably like it. They certainly seem committed. And, per lead singer, they "love" us, so that's nice. They seem like nice boys. I hope they're eating properly and getting their rest. I can definitely see why Carrie thought she needed to let us know they were cool. That definitely helped. They'll sleep tonight, those sweet Sons of Sylvia.
God, another band. Lady Antebellum. I don't think I'm making it up that they themselves are embarrassed by that name. They should be. But then I see the lady who sings the song, and she is straight-up stripper face, so maybe I was right to begin with. All in all they are like a Nickel Creek version of the Corrs or Innocence Mission or whatever else was on the Empire Records soundtrack: One of those lady-vocalist bands of sensitive people with quiet boring songs to sing. I think if I was a very young boy and still had emotions, I would find their songs to be very relevant and dramatic. You can see yourself lying in bed with a radio listening to this in the night and thinking, "Yes, this is how grown-ups process emotional turmoil." As it is, I just think maybe nothing truly bad has happened to them yet. Except the girl one. Some shit has gone down there.
So. Mike, Casey, Siobhan... But first, Rascal Flatts performing with Shakira. Sure, why the fuck not.
up, Maureen Dowd performing with the cast of Hung. The Ghost of Nat King Cole sings with members of Velvet Revolver. The Slap Chop guy performs "Push It" with the Cranberries, without benefit of a tongue.
Apparently this Rascal Flatts/Shakira thing is real, not something dreamed up by Ryan Seacrest. Well, there's Shakira playing the harmonica, though, so possibly it's just that Shakira is herself a dream Ryan had once. The song is called "Gypsy" and she's wearing a big old red gypsy skirt, looking gorgeous as usual and singing that way she sings. It's actually a fairly good mix, with the intense gypsy banjo happening, and then some bellydancers come out, and the whole band comes in and it turns into Celtic Woman, or like that Ewok song or the song at the end of Willow. Plus bellydancing.
I mean, doesn't that sound amazing? Shakira, Shakira. You can do no wrong! She marches out on the floor in her bare feet and the sick man of the Rascal Flatts fucks up everything and loses his monitor and is still not even trying, and they dance around behind the judges, and it... It looks and sounds exactly like the end of an episode of Ugly Betty. Can't you see this song playing over a montage at the end of that show? "I'm a gypsy, I'm a gypsy."
Ryan trades no-homo jokes with Rascal, who honestly seems sort of gay most of the time and I think would be a good gay husband, and then Shakira shares some wisdom with us from "Roosevelt" about keeping your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. No reason, she just wanted to share that with us. Thanks, Shakira. I know she's a genius, but it's hard to remember that because she pulls shit like this all the time. "Would you like fries with that?" You know, all of us are in the gutter.
Mike is unashamed to be in the B3 because everybody was so good last night, which is honestly a true and good and not cheesy thing to say: We're getting to the end of the year here. He's safe, mommy jumps about and laughs. Casey or Siobhan? Will we ever know?
After the break, we do with little ado: It's Siobhan. Of course. I hope she sings "Wicked Game" because I think that is one of the standout performances I have ever seen on this show, like Top Five honestly, but I bet she'll do "Paint It Black." And this dumb show will probably cut her off anyway. Siobhan gives a short, humble speech, and looks like a human being finally again, and we go on her journey all about how weird she is, and it seems like it took place about ten years ago. I guess I like her okay.
But then she sings "Think," which is when the whole downward spiral, I think, happened, so who knows what she ever thought she was doing. All I know is that tonight, it sounds like shit, and that's the Siobhan I know.
After a hug from Simon and a well-earned kiss from Ryan, she'll get in her hearse and fly across the sky back to the cloud castle where she makes her blown-glass curios of unimaginable complexity and beauty, so delicate and fine that they sing like angels at a touch, and crumble away into nothing at another touch. She will take out her tools and light the spark, and set to work again. She has been gone too long. Dragonflies and fireflies and butterflies will attend her as she works, and little men no higher than three apples will push the bellows, so the fire doesn't go out again. She will bring them Ryan's greetings; they will blush and bow their heads. She will sing while she works, and the glass bottles and shapes and chimes arrayed around her will hum in response. But never too loud and never too far above high C, or she'll having nothing but shards to take to market.
Look out the window, why, there you see colts, prancing in the meadow! Black, and white, and roan. Pushing apples across the fields, in a game they have invented. Her favorite bears a white star and a cowlick on his forehead, and answers only to the highest note she can sing. And when it is dark, and the sound of leathern wings rustles through the air, she will sing him to his slumber and climb to the highest tower, under a silvery moon, and hold quiet counsel with the gargoyles. They have missed her, perhaps, a bit more than she has missed them. And maybe, if the night is clear, she will sleep up there, with only woven gossamer for her quilt and a warm stone belly for her pillow. And they will keep watch over her, all through the night.
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