By M. Giant
The pre-show recaps of the week's eliminations are getting more dramatic all the time. This time, we get to visit a viewing party at a bar in DeAndre's hometown during his ejection. These people look like they just found out John F. Kennedy was shot. And for the remaining top seven, backstage is Air Force One as they vow to go on. Somehow I think they'll manage.
But then things turn happy again so fast we get whiplash, as the judges and Ryan make their entrances into the auditorium. It's almost like DeAndre never even died. Ryan takes a while to get everyone calmed down enough to tell us that the finale is just a month away, and then brings out the top seven. Whereupon it gets noisy all over again. This is going to either be a very short weecap or a very long one.
There's a video clip of Tommy Hilfiger visiting the Idol mansion to set up closets for the finalists so they can have their rock-and-roll style carry over to their offstage lives. As if they get one of those until they're done here. Tommy Hilfiger is trying to take over your entire identity, finalists. Resist! Not just Phillip, either.
Coming back, Ryan tells us that tonight's theme is 2010 to today, and that this week's mentor is Akon. Who, I'm sorry, always reminds me of a harder version of Wayne Brady. I keep expecting the camera to cut to Drew Carey sitting at a desk laughing.
Tonight's other theme is visits to the finalists' hometowns, starting with Brandon, Mississippi. Of course it's Skylarmania full-time down there, including a huge billboard at the edge of town. I'd love to see a small hometown of a finalist that's like, "Meh." Won't happen tonight, though. Skylar's "favorite grandpaw" gives a video message about how he wants his guitar back and for the two of them kill a big deer year. With the guitar, presumably.
In the rehearsal room with Jimmy and Akon, she trots out a Kellie Pickler song called "Didn't Know How Much I Loved You." Jimmy has his doubts until he actually hears her sing it, and Akon calls her voice "#&*@ stupid." Which he means as a compliment. She's also considering playing the guitar, but Jimmy warns her not to let it get in her way. When she performs onstage, she is indeed strumming the guitar that I assume is her grandpaw's. She's singing as well as always, but being trapped behind the microphone stand does seem to be holding her back somewhat, and it's not like we can hear her strumming in the mix anyway.
After she's done, Randy compliments the kids in her hometown clip, and says she's back. Like she went anywhere? Jennifer says Skylar nailed the pitch throughout, and Steven says that her songs are "a complete sentence." Unlike Steven's feedback. He also says, "The crows may crow, but the hens deliver the goods." Skylar laughs like that was clever. When Ryan comes out, they have an unrevealing conversation about how she was nervous to go first tonight for the first time. I can see why her grandpaw wants that guitar back, though.
we go to Murfreesboro, TN. The transition graphics look like a NORAD map, by the way. Colton talks about his fans back home, including the high school letting out early to picket their own front lawn with "vote for Colton" signs. That does not bode well for the future of Murfreesboro. Oh, and I was going to ignore this, but we're being supplied with onscreen Twitter hashtags telling us the names for the fans of each finalist. Apparently Skylar's fans are "skoutlaws," which almost make sense, but Colton's are "messengers." So obnoxious. Colton's "message" this week is from Skyler Gray, "Love the Way You Lie." In rehearsal, Jimmy tells him, "It's you against Phil, let's cut the shit." Colton hates the comparison, but he accepts the challenge to do something different by doing exactly what he always does, at least in rehearsal.
On stage, he's sitting at a fogbound white piano, doing the usual Colton thing, complete with the whine-singing and his postapocalyptic Lord Byron wardrobe. But there are strings this time, and he hits a few big notes on the bridge, and brings it to a conclusion so emotional that it takes him several seconds to smile while shambling to the edge of the stage afterwards.
Jennifer says she always surprises her, which makes me wonder where she's bee this whole time. Steven covets Colton's jacket, and says that performance could have been a recording without any overdubs. Mainly he's looking forward to hearing Colton sing his own songs. Those will at least be easier to avoid. Randy also makes some lame comments about the jacket and then remarks on Colton's subtlety and sensitivity. Afterward, Colton reveals that he'd considered "I Will Not Bow" by Breaking Benjamin but is glad to have been talked out of it. Ryan's more interested in how the girls reacted to Colton's smoldering stare into the camera. Do not attempt smoldering, Ryan. Don't do it.
After the ads, Ryan's in Randy's seat at the judges' table, which doesn't make Randy seem any less awkward looking at the camera while Ryan talks. Hey, why are we doing duets tonight? Isn't seven a prime number? Whatever, Elise and Phillip are pairing up again, this time to do "Somebody That I Used to Know." Because there's no reason Fox shouldn't broadcast performances of that song twice in as many nights There's a jokey intro clip all about how Elise strong-armed Phillip into doing the song with her and then abused him throughout the process.
Then that kind of comes out in the performance, with Phil out of both his musical comfort zone and his vocal range, while Elise is clearly enjoying herself a lot more. They both get the same amount of applause in the end, though. Steven lies that they nailed it, Jennifer says there was "a little bit of an imbalance," and Randy agrees with both of them, especially the part about Elise doing better. "She's just a better singer than I am," Phillip says, but Randy tells him to pick the song and take more lines for himself time. Ryan puts them on the spot about what it's like performing together, and they give totally anodyne answers that are somewhat undercut by Elise's giggling.
Time to check in with Jessica's fans in Chula Vista, California, who are apparently "#blujays." I don't even get that at all. Jessica talks about her millions of relatives watching back home, and we see a shot of the Jumbotron at the baseball stadium showing her picture. We don't see anyone there to see it, but that's a minor detail. She's singing "Stuttering" by Jasmine Sullivan. Jimmy makes me feel better about my ignorance of current music by also never having heard of it. In an interview, Jimmy gushes about her voice, and Akon compliments the amount of control she has at her age. Apparently Akon told Jimmy much earlier in the season that she's the one. "Feed her a few more hamburgers and she's ready to go." They're completely behind her, basically. So there's not really much left for her to do but go out and sing it, I guess.
She sits on the piano in a bedazzled sci-fi outfit and...well, I don't have any constructive criticism either, I guess, but I'm pretty sure Jimmy Iovine is getting paid more than I am. Bottom line, she does a great job on a song nobody's ever heard of, which is a nice change. The pianist helps her down while she smiles a great big smile into the cheers from the audience. Randy shows off some knowledge of this song and another one nobody's ever heard of, and says Jessica set the bar really high, by slaying "the biggest fish of the night." Jennifer asks Jessica for a "Joshua-type" ride in the few weeks. Steven again says she makes him forget where he is. I think maybe he also forgot he used that line last week.
Ryan comes back with Joshua, who just turned twenty. He gets a video greeting from Fantasia, who is behind a studio microphone somewhere so at least it looks like she's working. She wishes him happy birthday, "from Fantasia to Mantasia." I've been trying to ignore that nickname too. We visit Joshua's hometown of Westlake, Louisiana, which is apparently encrusted with "#jjewels" selling t-shirts of him. #jjewels? I give up. His song is "Runaway Baby" by Bruno Mars, which is a departure from his usual oversung ballads. Jimmy and Akon talk about how quiet and humble he is, and then we cut to Josh coming out onto the stage like a big, loud pop star, joining a brass section and a single go-go dancer.
It's not his usual tear-jerking schtick, to be sure, but even with the up-tempo tune, he manages to find room for a few big long notes. He gets the first standing ovation from the judges, clearly led by Randy. Steven tells Joshua to get the number of the dancer who was up there with him, I guess so they can talk about how they're similar heights. Jennifer compliments Joshua's energy and performance and all that. Randy says it was "unbelievable," all the way down to Joshua's socks. And then he trots out his "gotta have it" phrase. Well, we got halfway through the show without it, at least. Ryan calls up Joshua's preacher father, who makes his long, laborious way up to the stage while Ryan gives the voting instructions, just so Ryan can ask Ledet, Sr. if he approves of the go-go dancer. "I reckon," Joshua says. Thanks for coming, padre.
Colton and Skylar are dueting again, and the show plays up how they're not dating with a lot of footage of them together. But they're totally not dating. "And that is because she owns a gun," Colton says. They sing "Don't You Want to Stay" by Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson. As for their performance, I think Colton said it best: "Another country duet with Skylar Laine." That about covers it. Although there is a nice moment where Skylar just blasts out a line, causing Colton to break character and crack a little "check that shit out" smile.
Afterward, Steven says they had sing-sex anyway so it doesn't matter if they're dating or not. Jennifer talks about seeing Kelly and Jason singing it on the stage last year, and how hard it is. Not exactly glowing praise. Randy thought it was just okay, not as good as their individual songs. As if it matters. Ryan puts the judges on the spot about whether Colton or Skylar did better, and the consensus is that Skylar had bigger moments but Colton was more solid. Which may be the first time that's ever been said about Colton. And then backstage, Colton and Skylar deny their non-relationship some more. She'd snap him in half anyway.
Off to McKinney, Texas, where "#holliepops" are named after some star-shaped chocolate on a stick made in Hollie's honor by a fudge shop owner who looks like Flo from the Progressive ads, only unhinged. We learn about the watching parties in McKinney as well as back in England. "I just cahn't get me head round it," her mom Beatles. Hollie is singing "Perfect" by Pink, and the only part of the rehearsal we have time to hear is the last note, because of how it's so long. Jimmy and Akon talk about the experience needed to turn an amateur into a professional, which... well, they wouldn't be discussing that if Hollie had it.
By M. Giant
Colton and Skylar are dueting again, and the show plays up how they're not dating with a lot of footage of them together. But they're totally not dating. "And that is because she owns a gun," Colton says. They sing "Don't You Want to Stay" by Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson. As for their performance, I think Colton said it best: "Another country duet with Skylar Laine." That about covers it. Although there is a nice moment where Skylar just blasts out a line, causing Colton to break character and crack a little "check that shit out" smile.
Afterward, Steven says they had sing-sex anyway so it doesn't matter if they're dating or not. Jennifer talks about seeing Kelly and Jason singing it on the stage last year, and how hard it is. Not exactly glowing praise. Randy thought it was just okay, not as good as their individual songs. As if it matters. Ryan puts the judges on the spot about whether Colton or Skylar did better, and the consensus is that Skylar had bigger moments but Colton was more solid. Which may be the first time that's ever been said about Colton. And then backstage, Colton and Skylar deny their non-relationship some more. She'd snap him in half anyway.
Off to McKinney, Texas, where "#holliepops" are named after some star-shaped chocolate on a stick made in Hollie's honor by a fudge shop owner who looks like Flo from the Progressive ads, only unhinged. We learn about the watching parties in McKinney as well as back in England. "I just cahn't get me head round it," her mom Beatles. Hollie is singing "Perfect" by Pink, and the only part of the rehearsal we have time to hear is the last note, because of how it's so long. Jimmy and Akon talk about the experience needed to turn an amateur into a professional, which... well, they wouldn't be discussing that if Hollie had it.
She starts it out sitting on a stool to a lone acoustic guitarist. And you know that moment we've been waiting for where the technically adept but persistently soulless Hollie grows up and becomes a star? Instead of that she nearly falls off the stool climbing down, but I'll take it. Jennifer says she looks and sang beautifully, though contrary to the song, it's not always about being perfect. In other words, goodbye. Steven also says it wasn't perfect and "kind of laid there." Steven, are you aware that you're talking to a teenager? Randy notes how quiet it is in there (indeed, there are no boos of protest, which means Hollie is DeNunzio), but says she was a lot better than last week. Hooray? Ryan asks Hollie what her last thought is before the song begins, and she tells him it's "don't screw up." And that's Hollie's whole issue right there.
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No more duets, but the last group of the night will be Hollie, Jessica, and Joshua singing "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson, who's having a big night tonight. It turns out that Joshua and Hollie are best friends, which leaves Jessica feeling a little left out. Like she would want to be involved in the kind of hijinks, shenanigans, roughhousing, and tomfoolery we see Joshua and Hollie indulging in during offstage moments.
They come out one by one, first Joshua, then Jessica, then Hollie, singing a few lines each of the first verse. It's not bad, but like Colton and Skylar, they all did better on their individual songs. Well, except Hollie, maybe, which is not to say that Hollie was particularly hot shit on this one. Oh, and it turns out this is a really awkward song to split into three parts. Jennifer calls this "the season of the big voice," which is some nice praise that's not specific to the performance. Not that it needs to be, what with it being irrelevant.
After the ads, Ryan chats with Elise about how Easter was their first day off in forever, and Elise spent it seeing the new Jason Segel movie, Jeff Who Lives at Home, with her mom. Turns out she's a big Jason Segel fan, and she awkwardly says she was wondering if he ever watches her. Totally not staged or anything, even when a tuxedoed Jason Segel turns up on the big projection screen, saying hi via a webcam recording from some hotel lobby somewhere. He waits for the applause to die down (actually, he had to wait for it to start first) to tell her he's a big fan, "and I hope to meet you in person someday." He totally wants to hit that. He signs off and Ryan says he emailed him just a few minutes ago, and this was Jason Segel's response. But how did Ryan feed Elise that totally natural and spontaneous line?
Now we go to Kinnelon, NJ, where a friend of Elise's has made a tongue-in-cheek video tutorial on how "#theelites" can vote for her. I'm kind of surprised to see that they actually show some of it, which talks openly about how grueling a voting night of American Idol can be for the viewer. And then Elise talks about how she wants to go back to Charleston. In the rehearsal room, Jimmy and Akon are watching awkwardly over their shoulders as Elise rehearses "You and I" by Lady Gaga while playing the drums. They think this is a terrible idea, but Elise explains that something needs to happen. "What needs to happen is you need to kill it!" Akon snaps. Elise agrees that starting out behind the drums was too much.
And then she starts out singing from behind the piano instead. But then, even when she gets up she doesn't move around much. Still, she belts through all three chords of the song and acquits herself quite well vocally. "Elise is back!" Randy shouts, because he loves yelling things. Jennifer says Elise let go but still kept control. Steven says she took a simple song and made it genius, then remembers to say it was genius already, in case Gaga herself is watching and planning what outfit to show up on his doorstep in.
Final recap of the top seven performances, in which I can't help noticing that four of them also played instruments. Not that I tried that hard not to notice. After that, Ryan asks the judges if tonight's more current songs indicate the kind of music the finalists will pursue after this is over. What are they going to say, no? They give a few examples, but leave out Hollie's bright future singing in hotel bars. Ryan asks if people should be voting for a singer's single performance tonight or their whole run, and Jennifer makes a surprisingly well thought-out speech about how people vote for their favorites, but the finalists can always shoot for a bigger moment to steal votes away from each other. Which is why they push them to do so, and which is why every singer every week tries to blast us through the backs of our sofas. Fortunately I've got a solid wall behind mine.
Randy talks about consistency, which is at least a talk that he definitely walks. Steven advises them to crawl through the TV into people's hearts, and Randy makes a consistently bad joke in response. Ryan asks who they're most worried about, like the credits aren't already rolling. Jennifer's answer: "All of them," so she and Randy conclude that everyone needs to vote. I don't believe I will, because as of this writing, the lines are already closed. Also I don't want to compromise my journalistic integrity. Also I don't care that much.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
By M. Giant
And then she starts out singing from behind the piano instead. But then, even when she gets up she doesn't move around much. Still, she belts through all three chords of the song and acquits herself quite well vocally. "Elise is back!" Randy shouts, because he loves yelling things. Jennifer says Elise let go but still kept control. Steven says she took a simple song and made it genius, then remembers to say it was genius already, in case Gaga herself is watching and planning what outfit to show up on his doorstep in.
Final recap of the top seven performances, in which I can't help noticing that four of them also played instruments. Not that I tried that hard not to notice. After that, Ryan asks the judges if tonight's more current songs indicate the kind of music the finalists will pursue after this is over. What are they going to say, no? They give a few examples, but leave out Hollie's bright future singing in hotel bars. Ryan asks if people should be voting for a singer's single performance tonight or their whole run, and Jennifer makes a surprisingly well thought-out speech about how people vote for their favorites, but the finalists can always shoot for a bigger moment to steal votes away from each other. Which is why they push them to do so, and which is why every singer every week tries to blast us through the backs of our sofas. Fortunately I've got a solid wall behind mine.
Randy talks about consistency, which is at least a talk that he definitely walks. Steven advises them to crawl through the TV into people's hearts, and Randy makes a consistently bad joke in response. Ryan asks who they're most worried about, like the credits aren't already rolling. Jennifer's answer: "All of them," so she and Randy conclude that everyone needs to vote. I don't believe I will, because as of this writing, the lines are already closed. Also I don't want to compromise my journalistic integrity. Also I don't care that much.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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