Lee: "A paint salesman!" Aaron: "A high school student!" Siobhan: "A glassblower!" Crystal: "A mother!" (Wait for it...) Mike: "A father!" Casey: "A construction worker!" God, how depressing. What would Ryan call you, if he was calling you names? I shudder to think. I would have been like, "A DAUGHTRY fan who drinks Coors! A drama club president full of secrets! A Tim Burton enthusiast with low self-esteem! A whiskey-voiced lesbian who will regret this decision her entire life! A big fat phony with a baby! A one-trick butterface Texan! Thissss... Is American Idol!"
Ryan's hair looks hard, unlike our hearts: Over $45M last week raised by IGB, which is pretty awesome considering the slow-motion trainwreck that is our personal American finances. Kara's wearing a bejeweled shirt around her neck, and Randy's wearing an ugly cardigan, but Simon is amazing and Ellen is wearing a skinny scarf that looks awesome. The Top Six come out proudly, people holding their signs upside down in the audience, Casey looking lush with body volume and manageability, and then the bad news: Shania.
The bleeping, ticking, twirking quirking "music" of Shania, and her wrinkle-nosed grinning, and her many outfits, and her many references to all manner of things in music past and present, and the sad truth is that she's sold more of this one album than any lady ever has. Which, I always thought that was Alanis, whom I love but whose approach to songwriting is not that different from Shania's: A list of common household objects or chapter headings from Eat Pray Love or Buddhist bumper stickers, set like jewels in some brilliant producer's best platinum. The difference is that Alanis actually thinks and says insightful things about herself and others, while Shania sings songs like, "(Zo u Look) Like Brad Pitt!? Thatttt (Don't) Impress ME MuCh!"
Aaron, God how he loves her. Lee loves Shania for her wisdom in saying that tonight, we must sing these songs as if we were the ones that lived and wrote them. That for tonight, looking like Brad Pitt must of necessity not impress Lee much. Shania amazes us, but mostly herself, explaining that she writes these songs "just bare bones," just "with a guitar!" Like the lush musical experimentalism we've come to expect from her is just possibly -- if you can imagine this -- a synthetic piece of mishegoss popped on top of two easy chords and a bunch of clichés. Shania's like, "Can you believe how I fooled you? Anybody could do my job!" Which tonight, I suppose, will prove.
Casey says "a good song is a good song," which is sort of ambivalent from where I'm sitting, and then Shania goes into some kind of Kristin Wiig character with a voice so high I don't even understand what she's saying under all that sick-old-dog shuddering and whimpering. I've always tried to separate how much I hate her depressing fake music from the fact that she seems like a brilliant, funny woman, but this little package -- not to mention her insane hair here in the studio -- is making it hard. Shania tries to explain some shit to Ryan, but it makes no sense at all. She sort of leaves off sentences and picks up other sentences halfway through, like Paula used to, and then laughs like a soccer mom who's used to getting the biggest laugh in the room, and it's weird.
Lee's up first -- she was at his audition in Chicago -- singing "Still The One," which is a song I don't really have a problem with, and she noodles smartly with his instrumentation, wanting to bring his voice out rather than having him do the usual Guitar First thing. That's smart. And his performances is smart too, if a little flat, because he does this Daughtry-meets-John Mayer vocal thing, without any Adam Duritz in there. In fact I would say that for the first time he sounds like Lee DeWyze, Musical Artist, rather than Lee DeWyze, Very Talented Collection of Fakeout Impressions. Maybe Shania Night is the best thing that could happen to some of them, because it's a totally blank canvas: They're only technically songs, which means you can go anywhere. And as a starter for the night, Lee's beautiful cover is a great way to make you feel at home. I can't believe it gets better than this!
Well done. Just very well done. Jackson adores it, Ellen agrees that he made it his own and adds correctly that he looks really great tonight. "All aboard the Shania Twain!" she yells, which is funny and cracks Shania up. Kara says some stuff that basically amounts to him being pretty awesome, and loves that he smiled during the performance as though he was actually listening to the words. Simon calls it the perfect song for him, out of the whole shitty catalog, and that the first few seconds were weird vocally and visually, but he really pulled it together. I'm so glad he's getting propers on this. Ryan tells us Lee's numbers, because we're at the point where they get two numbers -- for some reason this is always exciting, not sure why -- and Lee acts all dreamy and wonderful some more, and we got Mike.
Does she have any whiny songs about vaginas or uteruses? Because he would rock that. If Andrew were here he'd do a straight cover of "(Man) I FEEL! Like (a) WoMan!" and then be shocked that nobody got why it was brilliant, because he is a confused and shitty young man. But with Mike, I have nothing. I just don't know many songs of hers, because I hate all the songs of hers that I know. Perhaps tonight will be an education in artistic appreciation for the bleeping and blooping of the Great White North.
If I had known there would be a Shania Night -- if I'd been able to peer into my crystal ball and see this shit going down -- I would not have blown my wad of Huckabees jokes back in her audition episode. Because already in this recap I have lumbered into six or seven brilliant ones, and I cannot use them, because unlike these people I don't think going to the same well multiple times is a substitute for performing. If I did, I would have mentioned at least once in each of the intervening thirty recaps about how I can't handle the infinite nature of Ryan Seacrest, because I think about that like every day. And how it is a lie.
Mike's going to be singing "It Only (Hurts) When I'm Breathing!!?" which delights Shania because she loves his voice so much. She tells him to "feel it the most," and tells us that this song "fills her up," emotionally speaking, and seems to think he's the bomb. It's hard to remember that he is, because of all the bullshit. I don't know this song, but it's very pretty. How unnerving. He does his whole fake-performer-face thing, but it's not even really annoying because his voice is so lovely. Shania rocks back and forth on her feet exactly like my autistic cousin self-soothing, and I'm not calling that a diagnosis but it sure would explain a lot. She nearly weeps at the end, and he kicks into a sublime falsetto, and yet again I must say that this is a very, very good episode.
Jackson liked it because he's a balladeer in the zone, and because good songs are good songs but Mike is really in the zone of who he is because there is a big wide-open space. For him. Ellen says she wasn't sure about what he was going to do, but that his emotion and the power of his voice took her to a Luther place. (I would say that's lazy, but actually it's a valid comparison, although vocally it put me in mind of that terrifically sad James Ingram song I can't think of right now about how he can't love the lady in exactly the way that she wants him to. That song is so heartbreakingly considerate.) Kara compares his emoting to Shania's emoting, and loves that he changed it just enough to whatever whatever artistry.
Simon is actually impressed by Ellen's comparison to Vandross, which he didn't think of until she said it, from anybody else that would be condescending but it's Simon, so that's like the nicest thing he's ever said. But also, the performance itself was, as usual, a little whiny and prissy, but he can't just say that, so then we get into a whole thing about the Britishism "wet," which nobody -- except my funk soul brother in the audience who screams, "I love you Simon!" -- understands, and things just get weirder as everybody tries to figure out what this means in context. Way weirder.
You can't explain it, not in this amount of time, so Ryan jumps in and attributes it to the London weather, just for the simple expedience of making people stop thinking about vaginal moisture which they're all doing and can't even deny it, and then we talk to Shania about how Mike made her cry a little bit. I'm crying because we're a third of the way in and I'm already thinking maybe I need to reevaluate my relationship with Shania Twain, which pisses me off on several levels. At least Alicia Keys is still an asshole. At least I've got that to hold onto.
Casey, I can see your abdomen. Button up that shirt just a tad. Ryan and Goldilocks discuss how boring and predictable he has gotten, and Casey promises to help us out by being interesting. I hope this is weird. So he's singing "Don't!" which is a song I don't know. Shania says he is insecure and has no confidence, which is just the pep talk you need when you're insecure and have no confidence, and then he gives us six more miles of damage control about how you've never seen him quite like this, and he wants to be the interesting person we keep begging him to be.
He does this, interestingly, by singing a sort of boring song with the most DAUGHTRY voice he's ever brought to the table, and things get real Finger Eleven, real fast. He seems to be changing it up by singing in the Lifehouse Style. Sweetie, the balls were the only thing you had going on, not the thing you needed to eliminate. Yes, my body is a wonderland, but we don't need to discuss this in public. That stuffed tiger you won me at the State Fair is not going in my living room, where people might see it: Really, it's just clutter. And anyway it smells like Fried. Like something fried, on a stick or covered in confectioner's sugar: You're not being romantic, you're being queer and stinking up my house. Stop wooing.
But no, because Jackson calls it one of his best performances, because that's what his soul sounds like: Lifehouse. Ellen loved it too, because it was where he belongs: Less Seger, more Duncan Sheik. What are they talking about? "Artists do not hide: The good, the bad, the ugly, they show it all." That's what Kara has to say. I scent shenanigans here, because that was some Goo Goo mess happening. Simon calls it his best, and I guess they mean "most accessible" but really what they mean is, "Stop selling yourself as the Bo Bice, because Crystal is the Bo Bice and we need you out of her box." So to speak. So it suits both his chances and the show's variety, I think, if he goes the Kris Allen lady-man route. Except I wouldn't have a problem with him and Crystal both being the same guy, because at least it's awesome when they do that thing, instead of this thing he's decided to do instead.
Crystal admires Shania's "aura," calling her "a super-sweet lady" and saying she enjoyed hanging out with her. Nice way to deal with this, I liked that a lot. Meanwhile, Ryan's like, "And her teeth are so white!" Which is a very Ryan thing to admire, and to say, but when you say it to Crystal seems ever-so-slightly undermining. Crystal talks about the aura some more, causing Shania to sweetly roll her eyes Canadianly, and then we watch these two ladies get down to it about some song, which Crystal will be turning into an actual song. Shania tells her to be more cheerful, because whatever this song is, it's a message to her boyfriend. BOYFRIEND. Whom she would like to pop the question.
I don't have time to think about that. Crystal has an entire pheasant strapped to one side of her head, and has turned a Shania song ("No [One] Needs 2 NO?!" perhaps) into a Crystal song, complete with steel guitar and gigantic upright bass, and smile wide enough to show that missing tooth, and somebody picking a banjo, and some ill-advised falsetto. I don't know, this kind of bluegrassy cornpone thing about Cupid is not my cup of tea, although her lovely falsetto at the end is overshadowed by a bad-mic shriek thing that isn't her fault, and whatever. Maybe the least awesome Crystal thing of all time, but she's fine.
Jackson mentions Nickel Creek, which is not the compliment he seems to think it is, although mentioning how she actually managed to do a country cover of a country song on country week, which is funny because that is totally an accomplishment and it shouldn't be. Down through Kara they're all about how this is not her best performance, but it doesn't matter how great it was. Crystal explains to them that they are incorrect and don't know what they're talking about, and that they have been confused that "bigger" is always "better." No, girl: "better" is always "better." Simon's like, "The only thing interesting about tonight is that we all hated you." That about sums it up.
Crystal tells Simon that her beard is sitting right there and that actually he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about because she was singing to her beard and so there. Wow, she's getting real ugly real fast tonight. Ryan tries to get the boyfriend to propose marriage, and you can kind of feel her wanting him to do that also. Which, welcome to the total sellout of Crystal, who has no business wanting any such thing, live on this terrible show. Oh Crystal, what has happened to you? week will be better, and eventually you will win, but stop telling the judges their business. It sucks of you to do that. Just ask Siobhan.
After a quick huddle of Seacrest plus Judgery, we get to watch Shania inform Aaron Kelly that he is on American Idol, and therefore, he can now sing to us on TV. Thanks, Twain. He sings some ridiculously hopeful song about how the person "got away" and puts all kind of fake passion and emotion into it. I can already feel my flesh crawling from the future when Ryan puts him on the spot about how he faked grownup emotion so great and how about girls and kissing them on the lips and their soft skin and their sandbag-like breasts. What it is like to touch them.
Shania loves it, because on the surface is where she lives and sings, and Jackson calls this crap "his wheelhouse" and "his land," and praises him by way of this hateful accusation. Ellen says it's great that he's whatever age he is, and that tonight is great except for Crystal, and that he was so deep and full of maturity and lyrics and whatever. Kara agrees, because his fake emotion was totally believable, and points out that he changed one line about fucking and how probably Aaron doesn't do a lot of fucking, and Aaron explains that he was singing it to his mother, so no fucking. He almost starts crying before Simon even opens his mouth, and the stupid fucking crowd actually thinks he's about to be mean when he points out how hard Aaron's had it the last couple weeks. Clearly he's on the way to praise, you idiots. So then they clap and yell when he finally gets to the end of the sentence, and Ryan shoots the numbers at us since Kara already used up his creepster "are you a virgin or what" card.
Siobhan will be singing Shania's first Number One Country Hit, and she will be doing it dressed as a china shop, with a birdcage on her head and a lovely rose toile curtain for her raiment. Is that six? I will be very excited if Siobhan goes last, if only because maybe that means she's actually going to do something besides take a shadoobie on the American Institution that this show represents, like she has been. But considering everybody fucking rocked this week except Crystal, it's officially Weirdness Day, so maybe she'll do something shocking. I wonder what Shania's first hit was like? Maybe it was really good and she only got lazy after years and years of having to sing country songs and that's when I met her. When she was finally broken.
Siobhan dressed like a normal person to meet Shania, and they were both wearing cargo capris, and the song "Any Man Of Mine" is about women or something. She tells Siobhan to play this like a character, and let her character come "oot." Oh, I know this song. It's pretty weird. There's a "we will rock you" backbeat, and her way-too-low bottom of the range, followed by flatness heading upwards, and then a sort of break in the motion, and then a very fast honky-tonk thing, and the whole time Siobhan's voice is just eating shit on every level.
I really can't stand to listen to her any more. It's just so horrible to listen to. I hate feeling duped but more than that I hate watching a sham. She nails the last line of the song, as is her wont, and her crazy bitch eyes are glaring out at you as if to say, "Well-Behaved Women Are Not Historically Relevant" or "My Other Car Is A Hearse" or "Rollergirls Do It With Self-Hatred & Severe Problems Relating To Their Own Bodies" or whatever bullshitty bullshit she's all about.
The judges all say that Siobhan is back, and even Simon admits that he loved the song, surprisingly, but the rest of the Judgery fights him on his criticism of her horrible singing -- like childbirth, he calls it at the end -- and they all giggle and smile and whatever. No, you guys. I heard it. With my ears. It sounded terrible. I don't know what else to say.
Lee was already a front-runner, and owned it tonight with "Still The One." Big Mike chose a perfect, perfect song and deserves to stick around a long time based on this one alone. Casey attempted to define his lane, and managed to escape everything that makes him cool in an effort to do so. Crystal's worst is still better than everybody else's, it goes without saying, and she is also in a relationship with a very cute male person. Aaron Kelly deserves that in his life, and crying about his mom on TV will get him halfway there. And finally, Siobhan has put her welcome through two rinse cycles and then run over it on a bicycle built for two. And since Crystal is still Crystal, on the merits of tonight I would say she should go home, though that leaves essentially all men to take the Year of the Girl to its tottering, crippled end.
Off to buy a bunch of Shania Twain songs and see what else I've missed! I'm totally lying! XOXO!
Find out what Tim Urban had to say for himself during his exit interview.
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