And we are 75% complete, with six kids to go, plus the PoV. Which if I'm remembering correctly has to be used either this week or week. And given the fact that even the best of the best were terrible last night, I'm hoping Kris and Lil didn't break the curve for everybody, because last night's piece of crap should not be held against anybody besides Quentin Tarantino, who conjugates "bring it" more times in ten seconds than Randy has ever said the various three things he knows how to say. There's a quick bump of pointless advertising for what we're about to see, made all fake-grainy because of QT, and then it's time for the actual show.
I just saw Observe & Report and I'm still a little overwhelmed. It was like watching a postgrad philosophy major shark eat Eastbound & Down and then romance you. And I was romanced, let me tell you. Jody Hill, apart from looking like a backwoods supermodel, is a bulletproof tiger drinking from a volcano and he's not even in the movie, it's all Seth Rogen inventing new ways to be wonderful. And heartbreaking, oh. The ads are not the movie, even more than usual. You should see it.
Also heartbreaking: the pimpmercial, which is bad singing of "Freeze Frame" where they're all on the covers of magazines or whatever, it's dumb. That song is dumb. That song is Kids, Incorporated in the form of a song. I always forget how much singing there is on this damned show.
Kris does a little dance down some steps singing "Maniac" from Flashdance in a pretty lovely fashion, and then Allison jumps out of the audience in Barney-purple cameltoed felt bondage pants -- which manages to combine everything that's wrong with her into a single piece of apparel -- and Anoop sleazes down some more stairs because that's all there are now, just stairs and steps everywhere you look, constantly whirling, and nearly takes a header on the yet more steps; Matt... Everybody looks so spazzy singing this song and pretending like they care, but at least we get to see Randy clapping and dorking out in a way that is so embarrassing it's not even funny, it's just weird and gross.
Adam pretends the words of the song are about having sex with you, and Danny looks super hot and sounds super hot and just is begging to get punched in the box. Lil is wearing a dress over pants that makes her look weird over weird, and that's it. Didn't that movie have like a bajillion songs in it? Why not sing all the songs? Although I know a cool thing about this song, which is that it was about an actual maniac on the literal floor that goes around fully killing real live people, but then they changed it to a metaphor about the criminally underrepresented stripper-slash-welders of America. It's true, you can look it up.
Adam does his damndest to justify QT's presence with a little speech about how music is important in his movies, just like it isn't important on this show. Ryan and Adam agree that he is "brilliant," with which I do not disagree. Then Allison tells us about how they rode in a limo to the premiere of 17 Again, which if you don't know is about a magic spell which, much like Adam Lambert, instantly turns you into a gay teen.
Celebs on hand include Leslie Mann, whom I love but not as much as she in turn loves American Idol, it would seem. She gives like six soundbites about "Whatever, I'm in this shitty movie that I don't even care to piece together the plot, but I am freaking out that the Idols are here!" It's amazing. Zac Efron talks about whatever, the movie is so meaningful and matters so much. There's a girl I recognize from somewhere standing with the recently redeemed Silas Botwin, Anoop being stupid, Chandler Bing having spent all his Studio 60 earnings on whatever he spends money on, Thomas Lennon being adorable in real life and telling lies about how yes, it's the fiftieth Freaky Friday rip-off but also special in its own right; and some cougars. Then Anoop says he loved the movie, Adam says he liked the bitchy cheerleaders of course, and Lil talking about how she wouldn't go back to being seventeen again, I guess because the sixties were tumultuous.
Zac's in the audience, and I still just really don't get it. He seems like a nice guy. Ryan enunciates to him like he's an idiot that the movie looks really fun, and Zac's like, "It so is!" and they both look like they're lying through their teeth like on that show Lie To Me as Ryan congratulates Zac on all his success. He's orange! He's always been orange! He looks like a creepy gay robot! Although I will admit that he looks less that way with every passing year, and soon may even register as male.
Anyway, Allison sang whatever she sang, Paula gave her props for authenticity and the having of Special Sauce, and Simon said she was the only girl left. Allison at least knows enough to look anywhere but Lil when he says this, but characteristically is speechless. Bless her heart but she's so dumb, you guys. It's painful to watch her speak. She's safe, thank goodness, and Adam claps her on the back and she is desperately grateful to him for sticking by her through all these scary moments.
Then it's Adam's turn, as the "bravest" contestant ever on this show, and he and Simon have an affable and sweet conversation about how being "Rocky Horror" is not strictly speaking a pejorative state, but does contain such an onslaught of troubling semiotics that it's hardly a good thing either. Adam's like, "I'm a theatre kid! I like Twilight, Rocky Horror, Britney Spears and Cheyenne Jackson! Those are like the only things I know about! Tori Amos! 'The Gentleman Who Fell'!" Anyway, he born to be wild and is also safe this week, obviously.
Anoop stands up. Go home, Anoop. He sang "Everything I Do, I Do It For You," which is a lie. Randy and Kara both thought it was awesome, and Ryan wonders if Anoop feels he's hit his stride, and Anoop answers in some way. Who knows? It's very long and very boring and doesn't answer the question, perhaps it involves Barbecue Myths and perhaps not. I miss liking Anoop, but not as much as I miss not totally hating Anoop. The best thing about Anoop is that he's not Danny Gokey, and even that's not going to do it for me for much longer, because Gokey's kind of growing on me. It's always been this way in my actual real life: whoever I hate, eventually I hate them so much that I grow to love them, because hate gives you wrinkles. I'm not saying it's going to happen with Danny, I'm just saying I'm getting bored of hating Danny, so really the best thing he can do is turn up everything horrible about him to the red level so that this self-protective mechanism will kick in and he can become affectionately exasperating. And then before you know it, the season will be over and we can forget he exists. Anoop laughs about how he's not going to be in the Bottom Three like he is every week and then Ryan sends him to the Bottom Three like he does every week, and Allison stares into the camera like she has no idea where she is or what's happening. I submit to you that this is because she does not.
Now, a very special "surprise," which is even more special, as a surprise, because Ryan already told us about it five times: Jennifer Hudson is here, having won an Oscar and a Grammy or Grammy's. I don't think I've ever seen her sing before. I recognize her, she's super cute and she was in that movie where Sarah Jessica Parker gave her a purse and taught her to masturbate about shopping. And then I guess she won an Oscar, but I don't think it was for that! It is for that movie with that song I hate so much. And now she has a hit song called "Spotlight" that does not sound very great, but you can't really argue with a first album Grammy. That's amazing for her. Did she win this show? She says no. I wonder who won whatever that year was. Maybe it was the little g
irl from Hawai'i, or Clay Aiken. It could have been O-Town for all I know.Jennifer Hudson comes out very humble and pretty and then the song starts, and it's kind of boring but kind of weird because one of the instruments is a man going, "Bom bom bom." Then, I am not sure what happens because it's kind of a story. It's not exactly like the story where Alicia Keys calls the man on the phone, but it's sort of boring in that way. It feels like sometimes when the wire falls out of the speaker and you're like, "This song is not as awesome as I remember, maybe I was drinking," but then when you plug it in later you're like, "That is why I thought this song was awesome." I feel like this song has awesome pieces that we're not hearing, like, there's an idea inside the song that has awesomeness. Frankly, though, I don't get the impression that Jennifer Hudson is feeling it either. She seems sort of distracted. Maybe that's her style of singing: bored and a little uncomfortable. At the end of the song Jennifer Hudson asks several times for people to put their hands up, and finally they reluctantly do, then she explains a bunch of times in a row that she is neither crazy nor tripping, but then in a surprise twist the only interesting part of the song comes, and Jennifer Hudson sounds totally crazy and like she's tripping. So I guess the moral of the story is: you can't trust Jennifer Hudson for shit.
Ryan and Jennifer Hudson have a strange conversation about how great everything is for her and she won this Grammy for her first album and she's going on tour with -- the enthusiasm quickly running dry -- Robin Thicke, because doesn't that mixture of people make your mouth water, and also she got engaged recently but is not inviting Ryan Seacrest to the wedding. Which, it's your life, but I'm glad 2009 is working out for her. She deserves joy.
Anoop whines and says he didn't expect to be sitting there, but declines to name the three people that should be sitting there instead of him, because they don't exist and we all know it. Paula says she's surprised, too, because he is magical like a creature in a barbecue myth, and Simon points out that he totally does deserve to be there. I'm so done with Anoop. Ryan makes Kris and Lil stand up, which sucks because they were the best of the night, and you got Kris standing there all cute and shit and Lil still kind of fronting because of the business they keep pulling on her, and she explains that the Judgery is bastards because they tell you to sing like Mary J. Blige and then tell you not to sing like Mary J. Blige and then "you get nailed" for singing somebody other than Mary J. Blige. I'm so bummed that the judges didn't see how hardcore she followed their impossible advice, because I really thought she did a great job with that last night, maybe better than anybody ever has on this show.
Ryan points out that you're in a similar double-blind as far as defending yourself when they come after you, but I'm less sympathetic to that, because just shut up and take it. Never complain, never explain, sing better time. Lil, I'm happy to say, is proud of her performance last night, and then Ryan tells Kris to take a seat. Kris points out that the couch and the stools are both meant for sitting, so Ryan's just letting them twist by saying it that way, and Ryan laughs because Kris is adorable, then sends Lil to sit with Anoop while Simon angrily chews on the inside of his mouth.
Matt and Danny. Matt tried to do too much with the melody, but it was nice how he tried to do too much with the melody, but not so nice was his failure to make it awesome. Matt takes this in stride, saying that if he had the chance to sing it again -- say, in about half an hour when America sends him packing -- he would just sing it closer to baseline and rely less on trickiness with the horrible Don Juan song, and more on singing it with his beautiful, wonderful voice. That would be good. Meanwhile, Danny looks the hottest he's ever looked on this show, which angers me, and whatever, Simon asked him for the fifteenth week running to at least pretend that he has an original bone in his body, and Danny once again patiently explains to us, collectively, that we don't know a goddamn thing about a goddamn thing, and should stop telling him what to do, because he's always right about everything, and why waste money on mentors each week, or even judges, when Danny already knows everything there is to know in this whole world. Randy agrees, which is the opposite of a positive thing, and Ryan's like, "You guys know how Matt's in the B3 every week and Danny never, ever is? Guess what."
Ugh. So Anoop and Lil join Matt in the center of the stage. Kara says that, though she loves them all dearly (which Simon calls a total lie), they do all three deserve to be there. Which is a bummer, because Matt G does have this bizarre way of not distinguishing himself while secretly being the best one. Paula agrees that at this point in the competition, it's the flaws and not the larger strokes that make the difference, and they nod because it's true. Ryan wonders aloud, while staring into Simon's eyes, who's going to be getting "some relief" from Big Daddy Seacrest, and then sends Anoop back to the couch. Barf. Why. Why.
Then Miley Cyrus sings some kind of hick song through her inbred nose that I'm not interested in. Bleep-bloop. I mean, you know how much I love Metro Station but whatever, LA trash is preferable to the trash of the Ozarks. I prefer LA trash to any other kind of human being, if I'm being honest. So in that spirit I don't think it's really that rude to explain that this entire segment of the Cyrus family is deeply revolting, and needs to fucking cut it out, and if they can't do it on their own, then you have to help them. If you are a parent and you have contributed one dime to the increasingly strident and proud American Yokel stupidity that Hannah Montana represents, go fuck yourself. I'm dead serious about this, stop reading this recap, go fuck yourself, don't come back. And don't hand me some excuse about how relentless your kid is about it, because they're just following their trashy stupid friends in the first place, and your kids deserve better than that, and you are the boss of them. They deserve to know the difference, and you're going to need to be the one to explain it to them, and if you honestly don't understand the problem here then your kids are fucked anyway. A real parent with one ounce of faith left in them does not have the money to spend on this hillbilly.
...And that's the climb. Okay, so Ryan asks Simon if they're considering the PoV this week for somebody, and Simon says yes, but they/we might be surprised as to whom. Ryan assumes then that it's Lil, because of whatever you know that I know that you know that I'm thinking what you're thinking double-play goes on between the two of them, and Simon's like, "Let's do this." Ryan goes, "We'll be back," and backs up off Simon's chair, but the producers don't hear it, so Simon sits there like he's about to get a backrub and finally everybody realizes nothing is happening, so Simon says into space, "Hello?" And Ryan's like, "Right, we'll be back, I said, meaning a commercial." I love how Simon knows no matter what happens, Ryan's going to take care of it. Lights go out, Seacrest has some matches. Somebody's tummy upset? Ryan's got the Americone ready to roll.
Matt and Lil hug and wait and wait and hug and Ryan dicks around, then saves Lil. Matt is, of course, happy for her, and she cries, and Matt's done. (I predict the save. Or I would, if I hadn't gotten spoiled by a certain Inglourious Basterd about ten minutes ago.) The saddest thing about all this is how we have to listen to that crap song again. At least Matt sings the shit out of it, though, and the ladies sing along while Randy enjoys his usual simpleminded free-play activity of pretending to deliberate about it, which nobody else is even interested in doing an
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ymore, because he's a dork. Man, when the cool kids' table you're still so desperate to be a part of includes the remains of Paula Abdul, how low are you?Matt keeps his promise to sing it straight, and it's much better for it. He's a class act! Although I wonder if any of this confidence is because he knows they only have this week and to use the PoV, and now's the week to do it. Plus, he is the most wonderful thing and deserves it more than anybody else. He won't win, but he needs to not leave this week. How crazy would it be if you waiting until the very last week of the PoV and then just totally shredded your face on the song, just really crapped it up or gave it some bitchface and they had to be like, "That was amazing, we're saving you" or risk throwing everything off for the rest of the hour?
Ryan and Matt agree on two things: number one, he was way better just now, and two, that probably this is the most intense thing that's ever happened in his entire life, professionally speaking. Simon asks him how many times he's been in the Bottom Three, and Matt almost cries about how it's been twice, why are you asking. Simon says it wasn't as good as last night, and Kara gets in on the big fakery screaming for attention about how great Matt is, and finally Simon spills the beans that Matt is okay. He cries, the whole world screams, the lights go wild, I'm very happy, the Idols pile on top of him like an infinite number of puppies, it's all very exciting. Sometimes Matt G is very good looking, other times not so much, tonight is mostly the former kind of night.
However, Simon explains, that means two people are getting eliminated week, which I wasn't expecting but makes sense. And further, week is Disco Night. Which is good news for you and me, and good news for half of the people left, but is not the week you want to feel extra danger coming at you. I hope Anoop will go home, because I'm done with him, but who knows? Although hopefully the theme will tease out all the crappy things about his performances and activate them. Adam might well screw it up again like this week, but he'd still be safe. Danny Gokey will do the same effing thing he does every week, which has nothing to do with the theme, plus he's still safe too.
Kris + disco divided by two equals Jamiroquai or Robin Thicke sounds, which is always fun. Allison will automatically come off original just because she can't actually sing a disco song, but I can see her screwing it up really bad anyway. I do not think it will be Matt or Lil, because they're both on this parallel journey about "artistry" and do the thing but don't do the thing but do the thing but don't, which is very disco of them, but also they're at a similar point where they're figuring out what that means, so I think they'll be standouts again week, which should be good.
So ... basically ... everybody is safe ... except for two people? No, that doesn't sound right. If I remember correctly, this is around the same time every year where my psychic powers stop working altogether, so that makes sense. I'm comfortable with any of them leaving at this point, because they're such a talented group that it's less about wanting a particular ideology or niche gone, and more about having them all on the same basic playing field, which is a first. Normally at this point I'd feel like there was a Megan or a Sarver that had hung around way too long, and focus all my ire in that direction, but honestly the only people I actively dislike this year are Danny and Anoop, and they're both talented and deserve to be here, so whatever. Less wrinkles for me. See you week.
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