The show begins with Simon breaking his usual no-comment rule to explain that he didn't intend to disrespect the victims of the Virginia Tech massacre, or their families. Just to drive the point home, we then have to sit through a review, with split-screen and split audio, of what actually happened, to wit: Simon was chatting about Nasallygate to Paula and not listening to what was going on onstage, which apparently happens constantly.
Review of last night's performances and comments; Ryan goes man-on-the-street again and William Hung gets a name-check; the group-sing is "I'm All Right" and it's the usual Up With People dullness.
What the Idols are listening to these days, plus a sweet den-mother-y moment with Melinda; Fergie performs, whatever; "Idol Gives Back" segment.
And then, at last, something resembling results. Ryan splits the seven into two groups -- Phil, Jordin, and Chris on the right; Sanjaya, LaKisha, and Blake on the left. One group is the high-votes group, the other isn't. Presumptive winner Melinda is the only one left, and after telling her she's safe, Ryan makes her pick a group. She gallantly refuses, sit-down-striking in the middle of the stage instead. Ryan then asks her to "slide" over to the group on the right -- they're all safe. Interesting.
Behind the scenes at Shrek 3 with Katzenberg, whatever. Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith in the audience, whatever. Martina McBride, whatever whatever, get to the part where Blake gets unfairly punted so I can start bitching abou--
Hold on! Wait! Blake is safe, it's LaKisha and Sanjaya left, and -- holy shit! America, you finally got your shit together! Sanjaya's gone! It's long overdue, but I will take it! Thank you! Sanjaya's sing-out is decent, and he slips a reasonably funny but probably rehearsed line about his hair into "Something to Talk About." And we can finally begin to repair the nation's cultural dignity, because Jesus H., people.
Ryan Seacrest walks the line past the Top 7, each sweating out this week's results in their own way. Blake fervently seeks out someone's, anyone's attention; Jordin looks gorgeous; Chris looks queasy; Melinda is afraid to move; Phil wonders if he sucked up to the audience enough; LaKisha looks mad; and Sanjaya straight-up rolls his eyes at the usual Seacrest blather. When he gets to the end of the line, Ryan wonders, "Is your favorite safe?" And it's just him and Sanjaya on screen now, just like last week, and Sanjaya reads his line as written: "We've done this before." He actually doesn't deliver it half-bad, even if his voice is wispy to the point of nonexistence. Anyway, somebody's going home tonight, and you're worried it's going to be someone good, aren't you? Lord knows I was.
No celebrities to be snubbed in the audience so far. I'm still hoping to see Courtney Love or Maria Shriver go uncaptioned. Ryan introduces the judges. I think Randy Jackson may have mugged Jimmy Jam on the way to the studio and stolen his hat. Now, who's up for some good, old-fashioned Idol Damage Control? Haven't had that in a while. Ryan says he wants to "clear something up" and that "something" is Simon rolling his eyes after Chris gave his shout-out to the people at Virginia Tech last night. Simon explains that while Chris was switching gears from snotty back-talk to sending his thoughts and prayers to the mass-shooting victims, he was still fixated on the whole "Nasally is a type of singing" thing, and when we saw him roll his eyes, it was at that. And for what it's worth, I believe him. Simon's not the type to apologize for nothing, even if FOX is breathing down his neck to do so. Furthermore, I think that if Simon was actually rolling his eyes at Chris for making a play for American tragedy sympathy votes (which I think is the other possible explanation for the eye-rolling), he wouldn't be shy about saying so. As he essentially tells us, he's never been one to be overly concerned with perceptions of his own niceness. Reaction Shot #1: the Blake/Jordin/Chris clique. Jordin's clapping with judgy eyes, Blake is looking to Chris for a reaction, and Chris? Is pissed. Still. Not sure whether he doesn't buy Simon's story or whether he's still hung up on Nasalgate, but man. That is one angry boy. Reaction Shot #2: Bucky Covington, showing his support for Simon. See? They all eventually come around to Cowell's side.
Then, in a truly odd bit of double-bagging -- because Seacrest has already accepted Simon's apology on our behalf -- Ryan attempts to explain how Simon does this all the time: He chats with Paula while everyone else is doing their own thing, and he generally refuses to pay attention to anything else that isn't himself. Ryan kicks it to the video screen, where we get picture-in-picture evidence of what went down last night. So we see Simon make the "So he intended to sing nasally," quip, and while Chris is on stage reversing field and talking about VT, Simon has turned to Paula to continue to bitch about Chris's nasal voice. At one point, Simon turns to Chris, who is still talking VT, and then he turns back to Paula and rolls his eyes. So it seems like Simon did indeed stop talking long enough to hear the VT shout-out and then roll his eyes, but I'm thinking Simon just as easily could have been looking at Chris at that point but still only hearing "Nasally is a type of singing." Because he resumes talking to Paula like the subject never got changed. Honestly, this whole Zaprudering thing is stupid besides. Simon thinks Chris is annoying, for one reason or for another. And while he hates joy and love, he probably doesn't roll his eyes at grieving parents. Let's just agree to that. Paula sums up for us by saying that she's constantly having to explain shit to Simon (hee), and Ryan takes the opportunity to give Simon shit for talking without listening. Which...he kind of deserves. Your point, Seacrest.
Recap of last night: Jordin was amazing and made Simon believe she could win the whole show. LaKisha sounded like destruction and pain, and she led Simon to craft a truly terrible simile to describe just how awful she was. Phil and Melinda took to the country genre better than anyone else. "Blake tried wrangling his inner cowboy with a Tim McGraw song," says Ryan. Lie-to-truth ratio in that sentence: 5-2. Chris's rendition of "Mayberry" was the most boring performance ever to nearly start an international incident. Sanjaya was stupid as usual, but the show does a nice thing for Simon during this week of adversity by showing him verbally smacking Ryan down not once, not twice, but thrice. Yay!
Ryan then asks: now that we know what the judges thought, what did the people in Hollywood think? Which is why we're heading out to Ryan's man-on-the-street segment. Oh goody, this is going to become a regular feature. This time, he's harassing tourists in front of the Kodak Theatre. Some lady liked "Blake's version of 'Blue' by Tim McGraw." Okay, now they're just trying to hurt me. Two other ladies argue the merits of beatboxing and its appropriateness on the show. Ryan shuts that one down mighty quick and instead asks a whole bunch of people about Melinda. The one woman goes, "She's so humble!" Oh no! This show's mind control has claimed another victim! More people talk, this time about LaKisha. B.J. the stupid loser TAR hippie, still won't leave this show alone and says...I don't know, something. I'm sure it was "funny," with the quotation marks and everything. An older couple likes Phil. A younger woman likes Jordin. Ryan asks one woman about Chris and Nasalgate, and the woman says, "Yeah, I don't think the guys have it this year." BURN! B.J. the stupid loser TAR hippie pulls a full-on Sligh and says that Chris needs to keep "smoldering" at the audience, because that's what's working for him. Ah, pretty-boy jealousy. She's claimed another victim. Some Mo'Nique-looking lady calls Sanjaya a "girly-girly sweetie-boy" and then says about seven things that contradict each other before settling on the fact that he shouldn't be there right now. Because he's a girly-girly sweetie-boy, or just in general? Because she's got the limp wrists working and everything, which makes it extra-classy that the show has chosen to fag-bash one of its own.
Group sing: the "Maginificent 7" (shut up, Ryan) sing "I'm All Right." Ryan's still sitting at center stage when the Idols swarm him, and if I asked you who was the one who got all handsy with Ryan as he hustled him off the stage, you'd all say "Blake," right? Because you've been paying attention? Good, because it was. There's not much to say about this performance. It's no "Bailamos," I'll tell you that. I'm sure nobody's really invested in this performance, of course, but LaKisha can't even be bothered to pretend she gives a rat's ass. She totally thinks she's going home. For the second straight week, Jordin outshines the rest of the group, but besides LaKisha, everybody's pretty good, to be honest. I think it helps that this group honestly seems to like each other. Of course, "boringly competent" is...still boring. And that's all we can say about the group sing.
Idol Trivia "Challenge": who was this season's "rocker": Brandon, Stephanie, or Gina? Wow. Rejected questions: "Who was this season's Asian guy: Blake, LaKisha, or Paul Kim," and "Who was this season's designated trampy ho: Antonella. Haley, or Chris R?" Actually, that last one is "all of the above."
Ryan sits down with the contestants and introduces a clip package of the Top 7 talking about the kinds of music they enjoy. Melinda -- leaning her elbow on a seated Chris -- says she needs to get her Jesus on sometimes, because "it's a hot mess with these people," and then Chris's giant moon face turns around and goes, "Mmm hmm!" In his very best "girrrrrrrrrl!" inflection. I love him. Sanjaya -- getting his hair curled, natch -- has been downloading some country, just so he can understand the genre he's set to mangle. Blake's looking forward to the new Incubus album, if you can believe it. Jordin's all about Fergie's "Glamorous," which puts her in pretty great company, and that company is, like, me. And my sister. And Pamie. Chris is into Maroon 5 and Jason Mraz. You know what? All this time I felt like a fraud because I was recapping this music show and I have terrible taste in music, but now? I realize that I'm the perfect person to recap this show because everyone on here has terrible taste in music, too! It's like a weight has been lifted. Phil says he likes Willie Nelson, which is guess is ironic because...of the hair? Is that the only thing we're ever going to talk about re: Phil? The bald thing? Is that all he has to hang is hat on? To hang his hat on! Get it? LaKisha's listening to Yolanda Adams. And, finally, Chris, Blake and Phil reveal that even after all these weeks, they still like to have a laugh at Peter Noone's expense. So do I! Man, this show and I. We're like this.
Back on stage, Ryan asks Chris what his favorite Noone album is. Chris is like, "Uh...that one? The one I was holding? Greatest Hits?" Hee hee. Ryan then tells Jordin that she'll probably be happy with who's up : it's Fergie, singing...something that isn't "Glamorous." That's disappointing. This song here sounds like a Pink song. You know, that one about how she was a weird kid who didn't fit in and her daddy didn't love her, so that's why she's got multi-colored hair and rolls around naked on TV but is scornful of other girls who do the same? That one. Whatever, this is a rip-off. I wanted "Glamorous"! What good is having Fergie on hand if you can't simultaneously groove with her and laugh at her? She still hits up the drive-thru at Taco Bell, you guys. It's raw as hell! This song is all sad-little-girl-and-her-feelings. That's not what we have a Fergie for. We have Fergie to tell us how awesome she is and then how to spell what she just told us. Rip! Off!
Commercials. Oh, no. That Candie's ad ain't gonna cut it, either. We had Fergie on live TV. Who knows what spelling mistakes she could have made live?
Pimpmercial: "I Ran" by Flock of Seagulls. The premise: LaKisha is a Sydney Bristow super-spy, and she makes off with a silver briefcase. But then it's stolen by Blake, which I guess would make him the Sark, which is just about right. But then! It's stolen by Creepy Sanjaya and his slicked-back hair and ponytail. He's totally the Arvin Sloane. Inside the briefcase? The keys to a Ford something-or-other. I think Phil and Melinda were supposed to be Secret Service agents? And Chris and Jordin were...the Covenant? I don't know, that show got so confusing towards the end there.
"Idol Gives Back" update: Pink. Gwen Stefani. Earth, Wind, and Fire. Il Divo. Kiera Knightley. Hugh Grant. Josh Groban. Jack Black. Helen Mirren. Rascal Flatts. Quincy Jones. Carrie Underwood. Kelly Clarkson. Annie Lennox. Many more. Plus, and this one is new, "Two of the biggest stars in musical history" will sing a duet together. Silhouetted fakery makes it seem like it's a male and a female. I'm totally not getting my hopes up, because it's going to end up being Celine Dion and someone boring anyway. Stevie Wonder, Lionel Richie, someone like that. The odds of Fiona Apple and David Bowie performing together week seem awfully slim.
After the commercials -- where it looks like Celine Dion is already confirmed for week, which means someone else will be the disappointing female half of the duet. Shania Twain? Alicia Keys? -- the Idols are lined up on the stage, waiting for Ryan to start monkeying with their fates. If you've been following the show at all these last few years, it may have already struck you that Top 7 week is King Solomon week for the results show. You know, three people in one group, three people in another group, and the seventh person is forced to choose which group they think isn't the bottom three. This position, King Solomon, has historically been used either as a way of pimping a contestant (Bo, Taylor) or picking on the most emotionally unstable (George Huff). And since they can kill two birds with one stone by putting Melinda in the middle this year, that's exactly what they're going to do. And I could have written this whole paragraph before Wednesday's show even aired. But let's review it anyway...
Two groups of three. One highest, one lowest. I considered calling the low group the "To The Left" group, but they end up on stage right, so that wouldn't make sense. Anyway, Sanjaya is sent to Camp Uh-Oh, while Phil is sent to Camp Wait...Really? It's a great -- and mean, of course -- way to start, because you figure those are the two worst ones, so how confident can you be being grouped with either of them? Case in point, Jordin's sent to join Phil, and she full-on gives him a look that says, "Huh. We'll see where this is going." LaKisha joins Sanjaya, and the crowd laments for her. The crowd really turned on Sanjaya for good this week, didn't they? Blake rounds out Camp Uh-Oh, sending the crowd into a fugue of confusion, because now maybe they're all safe? Because Blake always is? Chris is sent to Phil and Jordin's group. Which leaves Melinda, just like I said it would. Ryan takes her to the middle of the stage, where he reads the stats for Camps Uh-Oh and Wait...Really? Jordin mouths something to Melinda. It looks like "I'm SO..." and then something else. I don't think it's "sorry." From the look on her face, it's like "I'm SO fucked." I don't think Jordin's happy to be in between Bottom Two Phil and Nasally Up In His Nasal. As for Melinda, Ryan tells her she's definitely safe. Then he tells her, as we've been expecting, to go and stand with the group that is the Top 3. She looks panicked and confused for a second before she sits right down on the stage and refuses to pick a side. Which, again, we all figured she probably would. Ryan and the contestants and the audience and everyone on the world flips out like (a) this is something new, and (b) it wasn't scripted out to high heaven anyway. I love Melinda, but this is theatre, as it was when Bo did it. She remains seated, cross-legged, with a giant smile on her face like she's the bestest student in the class, until Ryan tells her the bullshit's over and she can "slide" to her left, with Camp Wait...Really? They're all safe.
Melinda and Jordin and Chris mob each other, with Phil kind of off to the side. And it leaves Blake as the only Cool Kid still in danger. Melinda, Jordin, and Chris cross their arms in clique solidarity. Randy's with them: he says it's crazy that's Blake's up there with LaKisha (who's usually good but sang like crap last night) and Sanjaya (who is Sanjaya). Ryan asks Blake if he's surprised to be there, like Blake even has the option of honesty. Blake takes the "it is what it is" route, which Ryan interprets to be a "yes," and Blake's like, "...Yeah." Paula says something Paula-like about Blake's grandma being in the audience. Ah, the days of crazy grandmas littering the Idol audience. Can it be that we were all so simple then? She says, "I understand why two of you are up there." Ryan notes that Simon is "grinning from ear to ear." "I'm beginning to sense something," he says, which made me think it was definitely Sanjaya going home, because why would Simon set himself up to look stupid if he didn't know? "This is what your votes have done," Ryan j'accuses, and he sends us to the break so we can ponder that for a bit.
Back from the break, Ryan's on the couch with the bottom three, and Sanjaya looks like he just finished crying. Ryan snarks that he knows we want to get the fuck on with it but "this" -- and he does the hand motion for "stretch it out" because, once again, his first language is TV -- is American Idol, after all. So to waste a little more time before we get to what we all came for, the show sent the Idols on a Shrek The Third infomercial which...I will not be recapping. Dreamworks will have to advertise it on their own. Of note: Jeffrey Katzenberg is even shorter than Blake. But slightly taller than LaKisha. Is Blake wearing lifts now? Katzenberg is wildly jealous that these kids have so much going for them at such a young age. Antonio Banderas shows up, and no one can understand what he's saying. Then they get to see the movie. We get to see the trailer. I'll...probably end up seeing it. Shut up; Amy Poehler's in it. Then Ryan talks to Antonio Banderas in the Idol audience and ignores Melanie Griffith altogether. Which is probably about right.
Then Katzenberg -- who also gets ignored because we're suddenly short on time in this hourlong behemoth -- gets to introduce Martina McBride. Who...sings. A song. And she's wearing...what is she wearing? She looks like she's in a bicycle race...to a clam dig. She sings about hopes and dreams, and she faces the Top 7 as she does so. "God is great," says the song, "but sometimes life ain't good." Which is your typical passing of the buck by ol' G-o-d. Chris gets caught singing along on-camera, and if he did that on purpose, I say bravo, because it doesn't look like he takes his eyes off Martina for a second. When she's finished, she's joined by one of her daughters, Emma. Ryan asks Emma about her mom's new record and what her favorite song off the album is. Emma obliges, and then she turns back to her mom and says, "No offense, they're all good." Man, can we replace Sanjaya with Emma? She's cuter and more genuine. Ryan asks Martina about the bottom three, and Emma's like, "Dude, I know!" Ryan says he was actually asking her mom. Everyone laughs -- except Phil! Dead to me! -- and Emma says everyone was really great. Ryan goes, "Thanks, Paula." Hey now. Paula's actually been really mean this season, and I think she deserves some credit for that. Ryan then feeds Martina a line which allows her to send us to the final commercial break.
Finally, the bottom three are on the stage again. Sanjaya's the only one smiling. Ryan says he's going to "ease the pain" and send one back to the couches. Yeah, that all depends on who you send back, boss. Blake -- who's been holding LaKisha's hand like a sweetheart -- is told he can go back. So it's Sanjaya and LaKisha, who now each have an arm around the other. Dim the lights...read the stats...the biggest vote totals for Top 7 ever...Sanjaya...is going home! FINALLY! The crowd? LOVES IT! LaKisha hugs Sanjaya for a long, long time, like a real person with feelings would. I think -- or is it just that I hope? -- that she's making progress on that front. That she's maybe not so much the standoffish one anymore. Melinda, Blake, and Jordin look with wary eyes at the audience. I think they're a little thrown off by how no one anywhere is sad about this outcome. I think Sanjaya, too, may have weaseled his way into his fellow contestants' hearts.
Sanjaya's Idol Journey -- and may I say how much I am missing Daniel Powter? And now much it pains me to say that? -- is filled with other people having their one moment of being impressed by him: Simon, J. Lo, Gwen Stefani, Tony Bennett. Little Miss Sobshine's there, of course. The many eras of his hair: ponyhawk, flat-iron, moppet, stupid hat. He cries over Shyamali's ouster. Down on the stage in real time, he's crying up a storm, and when he sees a clip of his hula dance, he either starts laughing or starts crying even harder. Tough to say which would be more understandable. Ryan's got a hand on his shoulder, because he's Ryan and that's what he does when he's not annoying me. Diana Ross sums it up for us: "Sanjaya, to me, is love." And now that he's gone, I can...well, I can at least let that comment pass without objection.
Back at the couches, LaKisha has officially broken down, and she's being comforted by Melinda. And then Blake starts to wipe away her tears and clean up her mascara. See? This is nice. LaKisha's part of the group now, maybe. Which leaves only Phil on the outskirts. Where he belongs! No, no. I really don't hate Phil either. It's bizarre. Six people left, and I don't hate any of them. I have my favorites, of course (from what I understand, they're all Chosen Ones, so that's nice), but to have six American Idol contestants and really not wish any of them any specific harm? That's a first.
Sanjaya has time enough to sing out, and I suppose the benefit of not being any good is that you can be no good under any emotional conditions. The support he's getting from the others is almost...heartwarming? Damn it. It is, isn't it? Melinda claps for him and looks on like a mother lion. Chris and Jordin are fully singing along. I have a feeling once the resentment of "this little shit is actually getting more votes than him/her/me" wore off and the media circus descended, the Idols rallied around him. When the time comes, Sanjaya changes a lyric to "Let's give 'em something to talk about, other than hair!" Man, that's so...he is very, very seventeen, is he not? That whole attitude of "Let me try to deflect your criticism of me by wearing my hair in outlandish and frightening ways, but don't talk about me and mind your own business!"? Very seventeen. As if to prove my point, seventeen-year-old Jordin loves it. Even Simon has to give it a smirk. Hey, he's someone else's problem now.
And that someone is no longer me!
week: Jacob and the most inspiring songs that ever inspired anyone. And some charity function or another.