|
5-24 2006.05.24 |
The Princess & The Basket Case The Criminal Brittenum Twins, Ayla the Jock, and Nadia Turner the Brain all steer clear as yet another pointless winner is crowned after two hours of truly frightening behavior by celebrities, personalities, and the Idols in between. |
| Extra |
Ow. Quit it.
The Best And/Of The Worst - American Idol presents an hour of bad performances from the audition rounds. As opposed to the hour of bad performances in the semifinals they've been showing us for the past three weeks. |
2003.02.19 2003.02.26 |
C |
Shack |
| 2-8 Recap |
Semper Fie
The Marine And The Moron - Bland Marine Josh and awful loser Corey are treated like the second coming of Simon & Garfunkel. The semifinals are so boring that they're bus-ing in people who were rejected back in Glendale to compete in the wild card round. |
2003.02.25 2003.03.02 |
C- |
Shack |
| 2-7 Recap |
I will always wave my booty in your face!
Moon Over Miami - Vanessa waves her ass all the way into the finals, joined by Rickey the Murphinator. We also see the consequence of Justin and Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) having their souls sucked out by their new corporate masters as they sing their way lifelessly through a song in their new movie. |
2003.02.18 2003.02.23 |
B- |
Shack |
| 2-6 Recap |
When pretty waif girls make bad song choices
Large And In Charge - Candice, Hadas, and Jennifer pick really bad songs to sing. Kimberly gives Simon attitude, but still makes it to the finals. Ruben also makes it to the finals, and treats Ryan to a manwich. Frenchie isn't in this episode. And because of a certain porn-related history, she won't be in any future episodes, either. |
2003.02.11 2003.02.17 |
B- |
Shack |
| 2-5 Recap |
Starting off with a blah
Accentuate The Negative - The first round of semifinals brings us eight terribly boring singers. Not even a trumped up "rivalry" between Julia DeMato and Kimberly Caldwell can make this snoozer interesting. Special cameo appearance by a mouth-breathing dipwad. No, Dunkleman's not back. |
2003.02.04 2003.02.10 |
C |
Shack |
| 2-4 Recap |
Which show is this, anyway?
A Snitch, A Switch, and Some Bitches - Kim and Julia act like they're on Sorority Life. Alden, Corey, and Stephen (or Stefan, or whatever) act like they're on Fraternity Life. Marcus acts like he's on 7th Heaven. Is anybody here to sing? |
2003.01.29 2003.02.04 |
B |
Shack |
| 2-3 Recap |
Atlanta vs. Nashville
Same Old Snit, Part III - The judges head to Atlanta and Nashville to pick more contestants from the masses. Paula is absent in Atlanta, which means she misses Keith, the worst singer in the world (according to Simon). And when is Simon ever wrong? Or, you know, cruel for the sake of it? |
2003.01.25 2003.02.12 |
B+ |
Alex Richmond |
| Extra |
Wasn't there something about singing once?
"Where Are They Now?" Special - Movies, television shows, commercials -- the finalists from the first season of American Idol are about as involved with actual music as MTV these days. |
2003.01.21 2003.01.26 |
C |
Shack |
| 2-2 Recap |
More sucking than a vacuum cleaner expo
Same Old Snit, Part II - Hey, look! More lousy singers! Let's listen in. |
2003.01.22 2003.01.27 |
B- |
Shack |
| 2-1 Recap |
"Shame"? Sorry, we don't stock any of that here.
Same Old Snit, Part I - A bunch of really pathetic people are encouraged to humiliate themselves on television for our amusement. What could be better than that? Coming to FOX in 2004: Bumfights: The Series. |
2003.01.21 2003.01.25 |
C+ |
Shack |
| 1-14 Recap |
Your American Idol -- until next year
The Winner Takes It All - America shows its respect and surrenders to the power of that natural woman, Kelly Clarkson. We can only hope her new handlers think twice about releasing those awful new ballads as single. Seriously, don't play that song. Or that other one. Give us more "Stuff Like That There." |
2002.09.04 2002.09.07 |
A- |
Shack |
| 1-13 Recap |
Waterloo -- couldn't escape if she wanted to
The Sixth Time's The Charm - The Sword of Damocles that has been dangling over Nikki's head since she made it to the final ten falls at last. America's latest sweethearts, Kelly and Justin, will have to battle it out for final ownership of the (Eeeeeeee!). |
2002.08.28 2002.08.31 |
B- |
Shack |
| 1-12 Recap |
First Dubya, now this
Didn't She Almost Have It All? - After struggling nearly every week to stay in the competition, Nikki...still isn't eliminated. Instead, Tamyra has a slightly off night due to a sore throat and is tossed out by the voters like she's a screeching, baby-eating harpy. Yes, Shack is bitter. As a bonus, we also get a preview of what Hell is like. |
2002.08.21 2002.08.25 |
C- |
Shack |
| 1-11 Recap |
Wishin', and hopin', and screechin', and borin'
One Less 'Bot To Answer - The (Eeeeeee!) decides to take a holiday the same week the kids perform Burt Bacharach songs, leaving all five of them to warble out lackluster performances. Even though Nikki's performance is truly awful, R.J. exhibits some serious flaws in his "manners" chip and is sent back to the factory for debugging. |
2002.08.14 2002.08.16 |
C |
Shack |
| 1-10 Recap |
Rockin' Pneumonia And The Boogie Woogie Blues
The Silencing Of The Lamb - Kelly (Eeeeeee!) fills Judy Garland's shoes on big band night, while R.J. all but pees in Fred Astaire's during an absolutely graceless performance. The burden of bearing Simon's heaping praise and unprofessional flirtation sends Christina to the hospital, and then the voters send her packing. |
2002.08.06 2002.08.10 |
B |
Shack |
| 1-9 Recap |
Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road
Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked On (Eeeeeee!) - See that peg, way up there? That used to be Justin's. Now look down. No, a little further. That's his current peg. Fortunately, his afro cushioned the fall. Also, Foreshadowing slips on a leisure suit and helps Ryan choose what turns out to be her swan song. |
2002.07.31 2002.08.02 |
B |
Shack |
| 1-8 Recap |
Screw all that peace and love stuff
Nonsense and Peppermints - The song selections and the continued tendency to mouth off at authority figures are pretty much all you'll see from the '60s during this week's performances. Neither Justin nor Ryan is nearly so charming when they're not having their egos stroked. A.J. is eliminated -- or perhaps exorcised -- from the competition. |
2002.07.24 2002.07.26 |
C+ |
Shack |
| 1-7 Recap |
Gaye is good. Gay, not so much.
Warbling 'Round That Motown Sound - Or so say the voters. The two queeniest finalists get their walking papers, as we say goodbye to EJay and Jim. America's just not ready for a gay idol, except for that Tom Cruise. Also, R.J. falls down, goes boom. |
2002.07.16 2002.07.21 |
B+ |
Shack |
| 1-6 Recap |
Take The J-Train
Nothing Wild - The judges choose R.J. as the tenth finalist, fulfilling the secret requirement that all male finalists have the letter "J" featured prominently in their first names. Shack entertains himself during this boring episode by randomly killing off people. Well, two people in particular. |
2002.07.10 2002.07.12 |
C |
Shack |
| 1-5 Recap |
American Idol Smackdown
Simon Is A Meanie! - A contestant is disqualified, and the judges stage a fight in order to draw attention away from the fact that all the singers this round are rather blah. Christina, Nikki, and Ejay join the other finalists for sucking less than the others. |
2002.07.02 2002.07.05 |
C- |
Shack |
| 1-4 Recap |
I Believe I Can Cry
Second Verse, Same As The First - First Jim, now A.J. Maybe next week a box full of puppies will land a spot in the finals. Justin (Eeeeeeee!) and Kelly are voted to the finals as well, because they can actually sing. |
2002.06.26 2002.06.29 |
B- |
Shack |
| 1-3 Recap |
This is why I don't watch the Teen Choice Awards
Pushing America's Buttons - It's confirmation of everything we've always known about pop music: If the girls think you're adorable, it doesn't matter if you can sing. Jim makes it to the next round with the help of the inventors of the redial button. In less horrifying news, Tamyra and Ryan make it as well. |
2002.06.18 2002.06.25 |
C+ |
Shack |
| 1-2 Recap |
Good Karma doesn't always come back
Pick Your Poison, Part II - Say goodbye to the fat and the funny, as the judges get down to the business to picking out the performers they think will make teenagers give their corporate masters their money. Goodbye, Jacquette! Goodbye, Elias! Hello, pretty people! |
2002.06.12 2002.06.15 |
A- |
Shack |
| 1-1 Recap |
Moulin Rude
Pick Your Poison, Part I - Thousands of Americans are finally told that they really can't sing. It's about freaking time. Dreams are crushed, hearts are broken, names are mangled, and tantrums are thrown in the premiere of yet another pop-based reality contest. But this time the viewers get to help pick the winner. Hopefully that will save us from another Jacob Underwood. |
2002.06.11 2002.06.13 |
A- |
Shack |