|
6-10 2007.02.14 |
The Blake Lewis Show, Guest-Starring: Everybody The Chair takes us down from 40 to 24, while the Camera cuts to Blake and Chris Sligh approximately every ten seconds. It's like they're trying to sell you something. |
| 5-3 Recap |
Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part III
Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part III - Las Vegas and fake Austin bring us the penultimate and antepenultimate audition rounds, which prove to be at least twice as boring as what's come before. At least it's nearly over. |
2006.01.31 2006.02.06 |
D |
Jacob |
| 5-2 Recap |
Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II - Greensboro and San Francisco offer the usual mix of the pretty talented and the deeply delusional. The judges squabble, with varying degrees of authenticity. And Simon walks out. Gasp! |
2006.01.24 2006.01.29 |
B |
Joe R |
| 5-1 Recap |
Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I - Rockers abound as auditions in Chicago and Denver yield several really troubling individuals, as per usual, and only slight glimpses of the first-round winners. As per usual. Don't cry out loud. |
2006.01.17 2006.01.22 |
B+ |
Jacob |
| 4-20 Recap |
God Bless the Broken Show That Brought Her Here To Us
Skeptacular! Skeptacular! Part II - After an amount of padding rivaling that used for postal delivery of medical samples, every second of which we expected but did not fully comprehend, we finally come limping to the conclusion of AI's fourth season. It's Bo Bice against Carrie Underwood, and only Simon knows who will take it. Well, Simon and everyone else on earth except the show's recapper, apparently. Congratulations to Carrie Underwood: one day she'll be a real girl. |
2005.05.25 2005.06.01 |
B |
Jacob |
| 4-19 Recap |
Some People Wait A Lifetime For Something To Happen
Skeptacular! Skeptacular! Part I - Carrie and Bo each sing the Coronation Single, "Inside You're Just Begging For A Dirty Joke Title"; their B-sides, which have also been written for the show; and their favorite songs from the season. Not ours, I stress, but theirs. With Bo, that leads us to "Vehicle," which is great, but of course Carrie can't resist that Martina McBride song she loves so much, and thus sings three boring songs relatively well, assuring her a victory. Oh, and they both have Ebola or something. |
2005.05.24 2005.05.30 |
B- |
Jacob |
| 4-18 Recap |
Goodbye Baby V
The Girl Who Was Good At Singing Disco Songs - All previous futile attempts at thematic consistency aside, this week we get a grab bag of hell, a new kind of road trip that starts in Air Supply, OK, winds through the Badlands and Roy Orbisonia, takes a quick run through the era of Disco, and finally ends at the center of the universe of cred. Then Vonzell goes home, and everybody passes out from shock. |
2005.05.18 2005.05.23 |
B |
Jacob |
| 4-17 Recap |
For The Love Of Money (And Vonzell's Daddy)
Hope You Find A Lot Of Nice Things To Wear - A musical "road trip" from Nashville to Philadelphia inspires A-Fed's elimination, Vonzell's total onstage breakdown and subsequent rally and conquest, Carrie's best week yet artistically but worst week yet critically, and in-depth soul-searching about the two sides of Bo's whole deal. |
2005.05.11 2005.05.16 |
B- |
Jacob |
| 4-16 Recap |
Don't Talk Back
The Glitter Rubs Right Off - Our Top Five two songs, one old and one new, none interesting, and Scott is dangerously confused about his place in all this, and goes home. Meanwhile, somebody slept with Corey Clark, which is horrible enough, but you'll never guess who it was. Unless you don't live under a rock, and then probably you already know. It's dumb, and John Quinones goes to the special Geraldo Hell for sure now. |
2005.05.04 2005.05.09 |
A+ |
Jacob |
| 4-15 Recap |
Rock & Roll Suicide
I've Lost My Home To Thieves - Constantine takes a header in a most spectacular way, Bo continues to sell himself hardcore short, Scott is horrible some more, and Carrie, Vonzell, and Anthony are very nice people. Bonus: Simon loves people, and Paula hates fun. |
2005.04.27 2005.05.02 |
B- |
Jacob |
| 4-14 Recap |
Please Don't Talk About Love Tonight
Real Men Drink Pepsi (Please Buy A Chevy) - Constantine aberrates, Scott aggravates, Carrie Simon-baits, and A-Fed -- regrettably -- undulates. Clay Aiken commiserates, and Paula undermedicates, feelings of warmth toward Vonzell aggregate, Anwar finally vacates, and Bo outrageously capitulates. |
2005.04.20 2005.04.24 |
B- |
Jacob |
| 4-13 Recap |
Why Didn't You Say You Loved Her? I Don't Understand
Why Didn't You Say You Loved Her? I Don't Understand - Nadia Turner, the John Kerry of American Idol, is finally forced to confront her ivory tower obscurantist attempts to be interesting and special, and loses out to, like, a Hall & Oates tune and "Let's Hear It For The Boy." |
2005.04.13 2005.04.17 |
D |
Jacob |
| 4-12 Recap |
I Could Have Danced All Night, But I Was Bored
"I Cannot Do The Smurf" - A-Fed, Scott, and Bo are terrible, Constantine is pretty great if you're not in the same room as the television screen, Nadia and Vonzell work their inner Tina Turners, Carrie smiles and is lifelike, and some other people sing. Fantasia Barrino comes to freak you right out, and poor wonderful Nikko is sent packing. |
2005.04.06 2005.04.10 |
D |
Jacob |
| 4-11 Recap |
One Flea Spare
"And Do I Really Have A Hand In My Forgetting?" - Indexed by scandal: Anwar's personals ad, Scott's rap sheet. Indexed by outrage: Worst elimination yet. Indexed by fashion score: maybe the most successful week yet, not that that helps. Say goodbye to Jessica and her fangs and dinners, and consider what was lost. |
2005.03.30 2005.04.03 |
C |
Jacob |
| 4-10 Recap |
Baby, You're Much Too Fast
"She Had Style! She Had Flair! She Got Tossed!" - Mikalah gets tossed almost as ceremoniously as Simon begs us to forget bloody Mario ever existed. Anthony and Nadia wind up on the bottom of the pile with her, and Jessica is just a pile of nerves and awesome. |
2005.03.24 2005.03.27 |
C+ |
Jacob |
| 4-9 Recap |
Ziggy Played Guitar
Ziggy Played Guitar - I know, I know. But the amounts of hubris displayed in this episode call to mind nothing so much as the Spiders From Mars: Mikalah, Simon and Ryan all get freaky high on their own awesomeness, and then mutually destroy each other as the rest of us watch, savoring the tasty, just desserts. |
2005.03.15 2005.03.20 |
B |
Jacob |
| 4-8 Recap |
Flip A Coin For "Song Choice"
"Sits Like A Man, But He Smiles Like A Reptile" - It may or may not matter, as we head into the Top 12, having shed Travis, Janay, Amanda, and poor Nikko like so much husked Constantine denim. Also: We move from six episodes a night back to the normal schedule of eight times a week. |
2005.03.09 2005.03.13 |
B- |
Jacob |
| 4-7 Recap |
Eight Down, Four to Go
Compared To What? - Say "aloha" to Aloha and tell Joe you'll see him around, give Celena Rae a couple bucks for the bus, and bake something in a covered casserole dish for David Brown. They're done here. Janay? Oh, she's fine. Amanda and Mikalah? Right where they should be. Plus, maybe a little bonus recap of Constantine's Elimidate. Yeah. Not kidding. |
2005.03.02 2005.03.06 |
B- |
Jacob |
| 4-6 Recap |
"I Woke Up And One Of Us Was Crying"
"I Woke Up And One Of Us Was Crying" - After three hours of programming, and the first voteable performances of all Top 24, everybody gets into an Elvis kind of mood as the first four contenders are sent home. Jared and Melinda come out the biggest losers, with the lowest votes, and then weird surprises abound as Sarah Mather and Judd Harris, who are attractive, have lovely voices, and do not suck, are sent home. Jared bursts into tears and Judd is dogpiled by everyone in Hollywood, while Melinda and Sarah both shut down like pissed-off and shell-shocked survivors of a crazy trauma. And I can't blame them. I just miss Judd already. |
2005.02.23 2005.02.27 |
B- |
Jacob |
| 4-5 Recap |
Knock It Off (The Box)
Knock It Off (The Box) - The group is finally whittled into four separate rooms, and then we spend an hour kicking two of the rooms to the curb in a hail of flashbacks. Then the remaining contestants are summoned into a Scary Room to sit in a Scary Chair and be messed around by Scary Judges, and then we have our Final 24, whom we all already called weeks ago, but the show seems to be under the impression that we are at their mercy and don't see past their obvious manipulations. They're half wrong. I mean, we'll be back next week when the actual show starts. |
2005.02.16 2005.02.20 |
B+ |
Jacob |
| 4-4 Recap |
"So What Are You Doing Here?"
"So What Are You Doing Here?" - After a two-day round of individual auditions and cuts, the remaining contestants are split into teams of three, and then attempt to destroy each other utterly for a chance at stardom. |
2005.02.09 2005.02.13 |
B |
Jacob |
| 4-3 Recap |
Mentally Ill Is The New Hilarious, Part III
Mentally Ill Is The New Hilarious, Part III - Actual performers, actually performing! Three cities in two nights! TV's Moesha and LL Cool J! And a third, surprise celebrity guest! Only he's not a celebrity, he's the DiGiorno guy, and he's not a guest, he's a contestant. |
2005.02.02 2005.02.05 |
C+ |
Jacob |
| 4-2 Recap |
Mentally Ill Is The New Hilarious, Part II
Mentally Ill Is The New Hilarious, Part II - Prostitutes both actual and imagined, both singing and "singing," highlight this week's episodes, which span from New Orleans to Las Vegas. We meet several people who are going to Hollywood, but whom we may or may not ever see again, including overnight sensations Gene "Just Can't Find The Sound" Simmons, Kenny "Back To The Days Of Pooh" Loggins, Leroy "Can't Talk To A Psycho" Wells, Ryan "Like A Normal Human Being" Seacrest, and Mikalah "Buffalo Stance" Gordon. |
2005.01.26 2005.01.30 |
C- |
Jacob |
| 4-1 Recap |
Gotta Get Through This
Mentally Ill Is The New Hilarious, Part I - The District of Columbia, as it turns out, is chock-full of crazy people: Drugged-up crazy people, screamy crazy people, happy crazy people, sad crazy people, well-dressed crazy people, crazily-dressed crazy people, crazy people with voices inside their heads, crazy people with lots of different voices coming out of their heads, crazy people with spooky voices, crazy people with creepy dances, and crazy people who like to run right out into traffic. What? Like that's not brilliant comedy. |
2005.01.19 2005.01.23 |
C |
Jacob |
| Extra |
This show cost $12 to produce
The Final Three 2004 - An interview special with the three remaining finalists prepares them for a future of being asked the same dumb questions over and over again by entertainment industry suck-ups. |
2004.05.17 2004.05.28 |
D |
Shack |
| 3-24 Recap |
Get her a pair of Manolo Blahniks, STAT!
They Love Her, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeahhhhhhh - Fantasia wins the title of American Idol and practically falls apart on stage, both figuratively and literally. |
2004.05.26 2004.06.01 |
A- |
Shack |
| 3-23 Recap |
Mood: Relieved
Flower's Glum Song - Shack never wore flowers in his hair, but if he had, he probably would have stuffed them in his ears to avoid having to hear Jasmine sing poorly three times in an hour. Finally, she's ejected, leaving a final two of Fantasia and Diana. |
2004.05.19 2004.05.24 |
B |
Shack |
| 3-22 Recap |
Footloose and fancy-free
Aloha, LaToya - Themes? Fantasia doesn't care about any stupid themes. After LaToya is ejected over the hopelessly outmatched Jasmine, you've got to wonder if even matters what they sing. |
2004.05.12 2004.05.18 |
C |
Shack |
| Extra |
On the Ass with Ryan Seacrest
The Final Five 2004 - An interview special with the five remaining finalists prepares them for a future of being asked dumb questions by entertainment industry suck-ups. |
2004.05.03 2004.05.08 |
C |
Shack |
| 3-21 Recap |
Don't even think of calling them "fat-bottomed girls"
Another One Bites the Dust - Big band night brings us songs attached to Judy Garland, Irving Berlin, Natalie Cole, George Gershwin, Louis Armstrong, Barbra Streisand, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, and of course, Queen. The hammer falls on George. |
2004.05.05 2004.05.10 |
B- |
Shack |
| 3-20 Recap |
Cuban Fizzle Crisis
Miami Ow Machine - John shows us all why sometimes nice guys are supposed to finish last, as a butchering of a Gloria Estefan song finally leads to his ejection. |
2004.04.28 2004.05.03 |
C |
Shack |