|
5-24 2006.05.24 |
The Princess & The Basket Case The Criminal Brittenum Twins, Ayla the Jock, and Nadia Turner the Brain all steer clear as yet another pointless winner is crowned after two hours of truly frightening behavior by celebrities, personalities, and the Idols in between. |
| 3-10 Recap |
The Fall of the Roman Empire
2 Fat 2 Furious - Jesus can't please us, and Noel makes us long for a silent night instead. Lisa is a flower among of field of stinkweeds, but she loses out to a creepy jock and a pretty young girl the judges are trying to convince us is better than she actually is. |
2004.02.17 2004.02.23 |
D |
Shack |
| 3-9 Recap |
If I vote for you, will you just calm down?
The Pink and the Gray - Fantasia and Diana bounce, shriek, giggle, shimmy, dance, point, pout, flutter, mug, and cutesy their way into the finals. There are way too many verbs going on between the two of them. |
2004.02.10 2004.02.16 |
B |
Shack |
| 3-8 Recap |
You Don't Have To Go Home, But You Can't Fame-Whore Here
Thanks For Scaring! - As the final thirty-two contestants are announced, we say goodbye to Nicole Tieri, Michael Keown, and Alan Ritchson, who will have to find somewhere else to be annoying, toolish, and sleazy. And you know, you can apply each of those adjectives to the three of them as you see fit. |
2004.02.04 2004.02.10 |
B |
Shack |
| 3-7 Recap |
The Greatest Self-Love Of All
How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count The Ways - In the first two days of eliminations in Los Angeles, some contestants reveal that they love themselves so much that there's no room for anybody else to join in. |
2004.02.03 2004.02.09 |
B+ |
Shack |
| 3-6 Recap |
The Contestants That Editing Forgot
The Road To Hollywood - In this extra audition episode, you are introduced to some of the people who didn't fit into the regular episodes, but whom the producers would like you to meet anyway. It's kind of like a Greatest Hits, Volume III album -- you've gotta wonder whether what hasn't been used yet can be all that critical. |
2004.02.02 2004.02.08 |
B |
Miss Alli |
| 3-5 Recap |
Would You Like A Nice Hawaiian Punch?
Them Against the Music, Part V - Well, thank God the auditions are finally over so we don't have to come up with any more awful locale-based headlines like this one. |
2004.01.28 2004.02.03 |
B- |
Shack |
| 3-4 Recap |
California Screamin'
Them Against the Music, Part IV - Los Angeles is full of passionate young people who hope to succeed in the entertainment industry. Some of them will make it. The rest of them? They're all in this recap. |
2004.01.27 2004.02.02 |
B- |
Shack |
| 3-3 Recap |
The Smelly Throes Of Texas
Them Against the Music, Part III - Heavy storms passing through Houston can't wash away the stench of bad singers. Of the thirteen selected for the next round, we hear exactly four. |
2004.01.21 2004.01.27 |
D |
Shack |
| 3-2 Recap |
"Must You Sing Directly In My Face?"
Them Against the Music, Part II - All Miss Alli asks from the second crop of nitwits who want to be big stars is a little personal space. Is that too much to ask? Just don't...don't breathe on us, Purple-Haired Girl. |
2004.01.20 2004.01.25 |
C |
Miss Alli |
| 3-1 Recap |
There's a Broken Heart for Every Light on Broadway
Them Against the Music, Part I - The third season premieres with auditions in New York. Fame is dangled in front of several desperate young people's faces, only to be yanked away just when they reach for it. Ha ha! |
2004.01.19 2004.01.21 |
C |
Shack |
| Extra |
You, too
World Idol, Part II - The world loves Bono and people who sound a lot like Bono. Except for the mythical nation of "Pan Arabia," which just wants to dance, dance, dance. |
2004.01.01 2004.01.05 |
C |
Shack |
| Extra |
Jesus wept
World Idol, Part I - FOX reminds us all that they're still in league with Satan when they celebrate the birth of Christ by inflicting horrible singers from around the world on their viewers. |
2003.12.25 2004.01.01 |
C |
Shack |
| Extra |
No, you cannot get my attention
Ruben Studdard: "Soulful" - Ruben is boring in several musical genres. |
2003.12.26 2003.12.26 |
C- |
Shack |
| Extra |
The night, it wasn't so silent
An American Idol Christmas - Your favorite American Idol contestants perform a number of holiday standards. Oh, and Christina Christian sings, too. |
2003.11.25 2003.11.30 |
B- |
Shack |
| Extra |
"Why is Brian Eno raping a Muppet on my phone?"
Clay Aiken: "Measure of a Man" - That's what Sars said when Shack left half a dozen voicemail messages featuring sound bites from Clay's debut album. Shack just wants to make sure that somebody else gets to split all the hate mail. |
2003.10.23 2003.10.23 |
D |
Shack |
| Extra |
I don't think I'm ready for this Jelly
From Justin To Kelly - Justin and Kelly meet and fall in love. The movie versions of Justin and Kelly, not the real Justin and Kelly. You can tell the difference, because the real Justin and Kelly aren't insipid, boring, stiff robots who have less charisma than a certain giant green CGI monster that is kicking their asses in the box office. |
2003.06.27 2003.06.27 |
D |
Shack |
| 2-20 Recap |
The (Eeeeeee!) stands alone
An Idol Ain't Nothin' But A Sandwich - Ruben wins. Clay loses. But despite all the hype about the glory bestowed on the winner, they both essentially get the same treatment, so this is all kind of pointless. And after hearing their first singles, it may end up that twelfth-place Vanessa Olivarez is the real winner. |
2003.05.21 2003.05.25 |
B- |
Shack |
| Extra |
What Shack needs now is a frickin' break!
American Idol: The Final Two - Lord, we don't need another clip show. We've got reruns and blather enough to air. We've got nitwits and nonsense enough to share. Get out of my hair. I just don't caaaaaaare. |
2003.05.19 2003.05.21 |
C |
Shack |
| 2-19 Recap |
I've Grown Accustomed To Their Fates
Surrender Dorothy - Ruben! Clay! Ruben! Clay! Ruben! Clay! It's the face-off that feels like it was foretold in the Book of Deuteronomy. Kimberley can't hope to stand against their undeserved levels of hype, and is ejected. |
2003.05.13 2003.05.19 |
B |
Shack |
| 2-18 Recap |
Dereliction of Doody
The Fat And The Furious - Hi, I'm Josh, and I'm coming to kill you for not voting for me. But can I use your bathroom first? |
2003.05.07 2003.05.12 |
B- |
Shack |
| 2-17 Recap |
Dishonorable discharge
Throwing The Paybee Out With The Bathwater - Josh sucks, grimaces, shouts, and forgets the words, but it's Trenyce who gets the combat boot out of the competition. Not that anybody notices, what with Ruben nearly getting the axe. |
2003.04.29 2003.05.04 |
C |
Shack |
| 2-16 Recap |
We're Gonna Wash That Girl Right Out Of Our Hair
Bleatdown - Carmen loses her virginity to a bottle of shampoo, just as God intended. But since she's no longer as pure as the driven snow, the show, the audience, and Tsathoggua no longer have any use for her wretched singing, and she's voted out. |
2003.04.23 2003.04.28 |
A- |
Shack |
| Extra |
Remember that one time?
Halfway Home - It's a clip show! No, it's a stupid interview show! No, it's an opportunity to see people sing songs again that, in many cases, they didn't sing well the first time! Oh, it's all those things. And more. |
2003.04.21 2003.04.26 |
B |
Miss Alli |
| 2-15 Recap |
Beautiful Disaster
The Wrongest Time - It's not just a song on Kelly Clarkson's new album. It's also a description of Carmen's performances. And probably Kimberly Caldwell's personality. But we won't have Kimberly's desperate playing to the camera to mock anymore. Well, at least until she finds her way onto yet another talent show. |
2003.04.16 2003.04.20 |
C+ |
Shack |
| 2-14 Recap |
Please don't feed the goat
A Call to Carms - Oh, never mind. Go ahead. The worst singers on earth (such as Carmen and Josh) remain in the competition, while Rickey gets the boot. Somebody needs to let Nigel Lythgoe know we have laws against bestiality here in the States. |
2003.04.08 2003.04.13 |
C- |
Shack |
| 2-13 Recap |
Macho Man
Blame It On The Boogie - Corey is ejected from the contest for concealing charges that he beat up his sister and resisted arrest. Where do the rest of us go to complain about his assault on our eardrums? |
2003.04.02 2003.04.07 |
B |
Shack |
| 2-12 Recap |
Chicken-fried fake
You Say "DeMato," I Say "Goodbye" - You might think that a "country rock" theme would be Josh and Carmen's chance to shine, but you'd be wrong. Julia is finally ejected from the competition, and she couldn't possibly be happier about it. |
2003.03.25 2003.03.30 |
C |
Shack |
| 2-11 Recap |
Scream 4
Grigsby Goes Down - It's movie theme night, but all the horrors are inflicted on the audience, thanks to banshee Corey and zombie Julia. Charles eases on down the road and out of the competition. |
2003.03.19 2003.03.27 |
B- |
Shack |
| 2-10 Recap |
Boring rules! Hooray for boring!
Boobies Over Booty - Bland, charisma-free Julia and Kimberley survive the first round of finals, even though they sucked the life out of Motown's greatest hits. Vanessa was brassy and fun, so of course she gets ejected. |
2003.03.11 2003.03.16 |
C+ |
Shack |
| 2-9 Recap |
Not so much "wild" as "inexplicable"
Faker's Dozen - The wild card round brings back four girls from the initial auditions who had been rejected. The reasons why become abundantly clear when they sing for us again. But for some unexplained reason probably involving manipulation from the producers, Simon picks the worst of them to join Clay, Trenyce, and Kimberly in the final twelve. |
2003.03.04 2003.03.09 |
B- |
Shack |