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An hour full of crazy drama begins with the Brits deciding to play a prank on the Americans by ambushing them while they sleep and throwing little balls of paper at them. Oh, the rapier British wit in action. Seymone is NOT PLEASED to be awoken by giggling girls throwing little paper balls at her, and becomes distinctly Hulk-like. She is infused with the power of the haggis! Alisha takes her on, though, and the two get in each others' faces a whole bunch. We never hear about it again, but it is a sign of the madness to come!
Tyra pays a visit to the model house, and fools the girls into thinking she's human. She them proceeds to shill for her book Modelland some more, this time with the added weight of her degree from Harvard Business School. I'm sure this is the last time we'll hear about that. She wants the girls each to have a super power that transforms them from mere models to Intoxibellas -- supermodels that do more than prance around in George Michael videos. Everyone wears a cape and Tyra assigns super powers and super names. She clearly ran out of ideas quickly on this, because for every decent-sounding "Illuminata and "Androgenia" there is an "Excite-to-Buy" and "30-Never." I'll say it again: Excite-to-Buy.
Tyra wants the girls to become supermodel super moguls, and Kelly Cutrone is on hand to administer their challenge and read them to filth. In two teams, the girls must create an ad campaign for Kelly's client, very.com, which is an online British retailer. The theme is love and luxury, and each team has to assign a leader, and people to do wardrobe, hair and makeup, props, and casting of a male model. Annaliese is roundly hailed as a terrible leader of the Brits, though their '60s British Mod theme is cute. Azmarie is actually a pretty competent leader for the Americans, who choose a theme of Punk Love even though for the most part they don't seem to have any idea what punk is. Throughout, Kelly gives tough love -- more like tough hate, actually -- which is appreciated by some of the models, but not all.
The photo shoots for the week are part of the ad campaign, and the girls are supposed to use their supermodel personas in some tangential way. They are working with a two hour time limit, so there's a lot of general chaos. Kelly gets really upset about the fact that Louise is literally running on set, and gives her a stern talking-to that leaves her with a mere three minutes to have her photo taken. Kelly thinks that Louise has one of the worst attitudes she's ever seen, and Louise thinks Kelly is a rotten hag, and they're both right. Despite it all, Louise does manage to kill her shoot. The girls then have to choose which photos will be shown to panel, and in a surprise twist some of them are just as bad as the ones that Tyra herself would have chosen.
And then, panel. Things are regular-dramatic for a while, particularly when the judges give Alisha grief about not picking a particularly good photo to show them. But then they amp up to Intoxibella level as Louise freaks out on Nigel after he says she looks mean in her shot. But she always looks mean! That's just her face! She gets mouthy, and then the judges start on her attitude. Kelly says that Louise was condescending and rude to her on set, and Louise retorts that Kelly was the rude one, and then there is a veritable shit storm. Those two can't get along because they are stank twins under the skin. Louise sucks on her finger for a minute before storming off the set, crying and swearing. [She got ticked off at Cat Deeley, one of the nicest people on the planet. Rude. -- Angel] Her only regret is that she didn't knock out Cutrone while she had a chance. Louise's photo was far from the worst, but since she eliminated herself everyone else is spared, and will live to Excite-to-Buy another day.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on The Revolutionary Bore: The Americans took a hit as Mariah was eliminated. Maybe she at least got to take her Pocahontas costume back to the reservation, like so many pox-infested blankets? In any case, the British and American "teams" each have six models left. If you can do basic addition, you'll know this means that twelve bitches remain!
The girls return to their model home after Mariah's elimination, and Annaliese tells us how satisfying it was to have all Americans in the bottom. She speaks of some sort of collective British strategizing that involves flicking out the weak Americans, like the bits of haggis left in your palms after you've chowed an entire loaf in one sitting. Of course, it was American Lauren who had the best photo of the week, so the U.S. girls get a big box full of clothes and, to hear Alisha tell it, some sour grapes.
And then all of a sudden it's 2:30 a.m., and the Brits engage in scheming of a different nature. They've decided that they're going to go into the rooms of the U.S. girls and throw balls of paper at them. Apparently the Brits have not yet heard of RESPEITO, the word of law that rules the land in Model-Merica. And I love a good prank as much as the recapper, but if someone awoke me from a peaceful slumber by throwing wet paper at me, I actually would probably murder them. The Brits decide to target Seymone first, apparently believing that she's still weighed down by the haggis and will be slow to react. And you know who has a similarly murderous objection to getting woken up in the middle of the night? Seymone. She emerges from her lair, pissed off and yelling. She tells the Brits that she's not like every other female in the house, and is an enemy of shenanigans.
Sophie tells us that Seymone is very up and down, and went from being on top the first week to the bottom during the second. So, perhaps she's on edge. Seymone is not used to being around females (and doesn't it just crack you up when people say "females"?), and also admits that she has a slight temper problem. We see Seymone yelling at Alisha, who in turn yells at Seymone, and it goes on like a circle in a circle, like a wheel within a wheel. If anyone was asleep in the house before, they're certainly awake now. What's funny is that the Brits all do stick together in a little pack, while none of the Americans feel compelled to take up Seymone's cause. They just skulk on the sidelines, looking confused. Alisha surmises that the Hulk-like Seymone is stressed from the competition and taking her frustrations out on the Brits, who merely ambushed her room and threw wet balls of paper at her in the night. And let me tell you, this is the LEAST of the drama to come in this episode!
After credits and commercials, the Brits give Alisha smizing lessons and she tells us a bit more about her history. She grew up in whatever the British equivalent of a ghetto is, and also was dyslexic. She was very quiet, and people would bully her for being a tall, slim, model-to-be. She had quite a hard time in school because of it all. Alisha wants to show all the girls in London that they can go somewhere else and be someone, be someone, be someone. If only she could meet someone with a fast car, and write her own ticket to anywhere. When you're starting from zero, after all, you've got nothing to lose. Alisha also knows that if she wins this competition, it will make her mom's day. It makes my day when Alisha looks at herself in the mirror and exclaims, "Oh! I did a smize!"
On the heels of this great victory, Tyra Banks pays a visit to the model house. She makes the girls take a pass on an impromptu catwalk while telling her about themselves. Kyle says that she's different, and isn't a brown-headed sweet girl anymore. Eboni is fierce, fierce, fierce, and can sell it. She really missed an opportunity to say, "You can burn but you can't break me" here. (And in case you were wondering, the burn mark is still MASSIVE.) Alisha is young, funky, and fresh. Louise is a lot of synonyms for zaftig. We then cut to an interview with Louise, in which she tells us that there aren't a lot of things she's good at, but modeling is fucking one of them. As she was a working model, she gave up a lot to be part of this competition. However, she thinks she'll go a lot further than most people. If, that is, she doesn't freak the fuck out first. Um, spoiler alert. Tyra visits the girls' bedrooms and gets to hear Eboni rap about the Brits taking eleven hours to fly back to England. She is really obsessed with the length of that flight, isn't she?
Tyra then gathers everyone together and tells them that they all know about the super model phenomenon, and that there's something about them that makes them super. OH! Finally the mystery of why they're called SUPERmodels has been revealed. When Tyra was a supermodel, she'd do interviews with journalists who said, "Supermodels? What does that mean? Do you have super POWERS or something?" I invoke the Freedom of Information Act and demand to see this in print. Anyway Tyra, being Tyra, said, "Hell yeah we have super powers!" And then Tyra, being Tyra, wrote a book called Modelland and renamed supermodels with superpowers "Intoxibellas." Of course she did. And now Tyra, being Tyra, puts on a cape and reveals her superpower, which is the power of smizing. I thought maybe we all did our Modelland penance last season and would be free of it, but I clearly underestimate my foe.
Tyra summons two dudes called "Testosteros" -- kind of like RuPaul's pit crew but not as sexy -- to give the girls capes, and then proceeds to give them each supermodel superhero names. I keep trying to decide if this is better or worse than the time she played Snow White. Maybe both, somehow? Sophie has a light within and so is named Illuminata. For her troubles, she gets a red t-shirt bearing a sticker, on which is written in Sharpie "Illuminata." They couldn't think of these bullshit names enough in advance to put in an order at Café Press? Anyway, Illuminata is certainly a dumb name, but is only the tip of the superberg. Alisha has amazing legs, and so her Intoxibella name is Gam-a-Tronica. You know, Gam-a-Tronica. Louise has one of my favorite names -- Chameeleoné. The final "E" has a little accent mark, because why wouldn't it. Catherine's power is a woman who can go from era to era, and so her name is Era-Descent. Ashley is Charismia. And then with Annaliese, they basically just stopped trying, or someone was really high. Tyra says that Annaliese can get into her head and make her buy things she doesn't really want. And so, her name is Excite-To-Buy. And now that I've been scooped, I'm going to have to think of another name for my first born.
Azmarie is known as Andro-Genia, for obvious reasons. Laura doesn't zig, she zags. And so her name is Zagilicious. She gets overexcited and does a stupid dance. That's a zag for you. And then poor Seymone is just called F.R., which stands for Fiercely Real. "Chunkalicious" is trademarked. Kyle's superpower is that she's the girl door, and so her name is -Doorsia. OBVIOUSLY. Candace can appear to be multiple ethnicities, and so she's called "Exotica," and is forced to try to pose as different races and ethnicities as Tyra calls them out. Classy! And then there are certain Intoxibellas that never turn 30. Do they DIE? Is it because of an overdose or so many genetic disorders? Maybe I will have to read Modelland after all to find out this important information. In any case, Eboni's name is 30-Never. And now I have to think of an Intoxibella name for myself. How about Recappatron 3000?
Oh, but wait. There is a third "super" phrase that the models must know about, and it is super mogul. It involves being a business woman, and also learning about how Tyra went to Harvard. You knew she couldn't get more than three episodes in without bringing that up. Tyra wants the girls to think about marketing, leadership, strategy, global marketing, accounting and finance. Those crumpled up wads of paper that the Brits threw at the beginning of the episode were actually very complex spreadsheets.
Tyra then ships the girls off to meet with Kelly Cutrone, who is waiting at an old derelict warehouse. She wants the girls to know about all the aspects of the fashion industry -- not only in front of, but behind the camera. Their challenge is to create an ad campaign for Kelly's client, Very.com. Very.com is a top tier, online British retailer. The Brits already know about Very, so Annaliese thinks they have an edge. The theme for the campaign will be love and luxury. How about love and luxury and Harvard Business School and 30-Never? There are two teams -- the Brits and the Americans, naturally -- but the girls will be shooting individually. This shoot will encompass their photo for the week. Each team will have to have girls in different roles including a leader, and people to do wardrobe, hair and make-up, props, and casting. The photo shoot is the day, and also there is random shilling for the Virgin Mobile phone. Making Cutrone do the dirty work on her first week on the job! I know it's the wrong show, but I would love to hear her try to sell Jennie-O turkey at some point this season.
The teams split up, and the Brits seem to want Annaliese to be their leader. Azmarie is quickly chosen as the leader for the Americans. Both teams strategize for a bit, until Kelly tells them to "Go, go, go, go" and rolls her eyes. It kind of makes you long for the boring niceness of Twiggy, even. There is some confusion amongst the Brits, and Kelly sternly asks who is the leader. Annaliese cops to it, and Kelly tells her that she's not leading it. Poor Annaliese is terrified, and to make matters worse Kelly points at herself and says, "This is a fierce leader." She then points at Annaliese and says, "This is a confused leader." From the stress of it all, Kelly Cutrone has apparently swallowed her own lips. She says that the fashion world is a cutthroat business, and you can't show any sign of weakness. And poor Annaliese has already shown a bunch of it! As we think about whether Cutrone is going to have her seared or tartare, we head to commercials.
When we return, Annaliese tells us that the Brits have decided to go with a '60s British Mod theme. Always cute! Cutrone grills her about the prop situation, and isn't pleased to hear that prop masters Alisha and Catherine are probably only going to get six or so props. Louise picks at her lips the whole time Cutrone is talking to them, then in an interview tells us how stank she is. Laura and Kyle are the prop masters for the American team, and everyone arrives at the Universal Studios prop house. They have $1,000 to spend, which may not be enough to buy the life-sized bear with a piece of cheese on his head. As they shop, we learn that the Americans have settled on a Punk Love theme. Both teams go for some elegant chairs, and the U.K. team heads straight for the fake flowers for some reason. Catherine and Alisha text some photos and try to call Annaliese, but get no answers. This is the precise moment when Annaliese's team starts to realize that she has no idea what she's doing and really has no business in charge of anything.
Meanwhile, Candice, Seymone, Sophie and Ashley head to a casting call for a male model. Candace lines all the men up, directs them to smile, and then tells them to take off their shirts. Sophie and Ashley giggle in the back, and Sophie explains to us that Candace was so rude to the boys. As Sophie is a working model who goes to any number of castings, she knows how models should be treated in such a situation. Candace and Eboni text a photo of their final two to Azmarie and the others back at the warehouse, who weigh in with their final decision. Teamwork! Technology! Buy Virgin Mobile! Azmarie talks to Kelly about their theme, and she gives them grief having something to do with jewelry that they haven't seen. Kelly says that you can't buy luxury -- it's the smell or feel of something. But... don't you buy something that smells or feels really nice, with cash money? I don't know. Azmarie is really great at taking criticism, though, and even thanks Kelly for gracing her with her stank presence. Back at the house, the teams continue to meet. Alisha tells us that she thought Annaliese had leadership skills, but was emphatically wrong. As she remains concerned, we head to commercials.
When we return, it's the day of the shoot. Jay is there, to add a little orange pop to Kelly's black soul. The teams set up their props and get their hair and wardrobe in place. The male models show up, and Azmarie explains that each team has to use a male model at least twice. Azmarie very seriously reminds each of her teammates to use their Intoxibella powers. It's too bad her Intoxibella name wasn't Zit-Away, given the giant glob of crusted concealer on her face. However, her teammates seem to really respect her as a leader and take their marching orders well. Photographer Jerry Metellus shows up to explain that each team has two hours to get everything done. Cutrone gives makeup tips to the American team, which is rich.
The Americans are up first, and Candace kicks off the modeling. As Annaliese says, Candace has a brilliant face but it's exactly the same in every photo. Not Exotica at all, if you ask me. She refuses to stop sticking out her lips, too. Jay tells her that she looks miserable, and needs to bring the shot alive. Her effort to do this is particularly cadaverous. Candace is , and lets her F.R.-ness hang out. Alisha tells us that these girls wouldn't know punk rock if it spit in their faces. She thinks they are confused. Kelly tells the Americans that she knows a lot about punk fashion, and that punk is just clean, cool rock n' roll. I thought you had to go slam dancing and dress like Minnie Pearl? Meanwhile, Cutrone would like Kyle to look less dead in her shoot. Jay suggests that she jump, and things get a lot better. Laura poses in her Zagalicious way, and Cutrone directs her to make it more fun. And if anyone knows about fun, it's Kelly Cutrone. With twenty minutes left, 30-Never Eboni gets on set and tries to pose as a sexy Gumby in a crown. With a mere eight minutes left, Azmarie finally shoots. She is Andro-Genia all over the place, and also looks FINE. Jay tells us that it was hip and current and awesome. With that, the Americans are finished.
We cut to the Brits, getting their hair and makeup done in '60s fashion. There is still a great deal of confusion, and Sophie tells us that Annaliese is bipolar today. Jay approaches Louise about overseeing Ashley's shoot, and Louise responds that it's not her job to do so. She seems to be the de facto leader surrogate, though, and tells us that she's running around like... a blue ass-fly? There are ass-flies in England? Does that itch? Is it sexually transmitted? In any case, Louise does not seem to respect Annalise's skills as a team leader. Ashley is first to shoot, and Kelly notes that the prop flowers she's holding look like they came from King Kong's garden. He likes the pretty roses! Jay convenes the team and says that Ashley's shot against the flat brick wall isn't working. He asks what they can do to fix it, and they decide to put their chair in. Things seem to improve. Sophie is exceptionally Twiggy-esque in her shot, with twirls and a top hat. With time ticking, Annaliese continues to be a mess and Alisha wants to slap her. Gam-a-Tronica Alisha poses with a male model, whom she imagines is her mum. I'd say she's an easy target for Azmarie right about now. Catherine is instructed to be more ethereal, and seems to do well on her shoot overall. Then it's Annaliese's turn to make us excited to buy fake roses. She tries a little leap, which may or may not be a good idea. Jay thinks she's being way too methodical, and notes that she's insecure about her own modeling skills.
With twelve minutes remaining, Louise dashes across the set and, unfortunately for her, catches the eye and ire of Kelly Cutrone. Kelly tells us that when people are running, it just creates chaos across the set. In fairness, I think Louise is maybe trying to get her shot in before time runs out. Kelly further delays her by giving her a talking-to about running, and Louise tries to escape to the hair chair, to no avail! Cutrone finds her there and continues to lecture her about how bad it is to run on set. I think what's happening here is that Cutrone recognizes a fellow psychopath when she sees one, and wants to create some excitement in her new role as judge. Boy, does she ever succeed! But not at this moment. Despite having what Cutrone characterizes as one of the worst attitudes she's ever seen from someone in a reality show competition, Louise keeps it together and chameleonic, and channels her anger and adrenaline into a fabulous photo. With that, it's a wrap! Louise is not typically a crier, but sheds tears of relief when the shoot is over. Jay praises Louise, saying that it's very telling to see who can pull it out with only two minutes on the clock. Louise does look gorgeous, and I'm really coveting her mod dress.
And! There's another part to the challenge. The girls have to look through the photos and pick which one they'd like to take to panel. Now they have only themselves to blame when a rank picture shows up. Candace may not have all that many good photos, but she says that she has a lot of potential and definitely won't go home. Alisha, meanwhile, tells us that this competition means a lot to her and her family, but also the area where she lives. There aren't a lot of opportunities there, and as previously discussed she wants to show that you can get out. Annaliese basically just looks terrified and traumatized, and as she crouches like a frightened deer we head to commercials.
When we return, it's panel time. There are prizes, there are judges. British model and television host Cat Deeley is the co-host. The U.K.-ers are first, starting with Annaliese. She admits right away that she didn't do such a hot job as a leader, which Kelly confirms. Her photo is okay. Kelly respects her decision to stick to her guns and do the leap, then says that energy can be the thing that takes you somewhere, but can also be the thing that destroys you. That's why Kelly Cutrone eschews energy in her own life at all costs. Cat thinks that Annaliese's photo looks young and fresh, and reaches the young age demographic that Very.com is all about. Tyra thinks that the whole thing is a bit catalogue-y, which I actually think makes sense for a website that is selling shit to fifteen year olds.
up is Sophie. In her best shot she looks like she's falling over, but in a really good way. Cat thinks she made a brave move. Tyra agrees that it's fun and quirky and modelesque and also sees shades of Twiggy. Catherine also has chameleonic abilities, and Tyra is in love with her eyes. They remind her of Princess Di, but mostly that's because they have to mention Princess Di at least once per episode until all the British girls have been eliminated. Ashley is , and Nigel thinks that she's posing too much, and the camera is too present in the photo. Kelly adds that Ashley didn't pick her best shot. Tyra isn't crazy about the photo, but loves Ashley's skin. Alisha is and, despite the fact that her superpower has to do with her gams, in her photo she's cut off just below the knees. Nigel gives her copious shit for this, and Cat adds that because you can't see Alisha's legs, the true proportion of the jacket she's wearing is missing. Tyra adds that the coat is wearing her. Cutrone is disappointed in this shot, and thinks it doesn't represent how lovely Alisha was on set. She thinks that maybe Alisha has poor photo-choosing abilities. Alisha starts crying, and Cat tells her that, standing in front of the judges, she has everything that it takes.
And then. It's time for Louise. Her best shot comes up, and Nigel tells her that she looks strong, tough, and very mean. Somewhat counterintuitively, Louise does not like being called mean. She blows out through her lips, and says she can't win. Kelly fishes for a catchphrase, telling Louise that she needs to put some gratitude in her attitude. Louise shakes her head, which does not go unnoticed by Nigel. He tells her to take critique with charm. Louise takes a moment to look up the word "charm," which she has actually never heard before. Cutrone says that her experience on set involved Louise being very rude and condescending to her. Louise disagrees, and says that Kelly is the one who was rude to her. The best retort that Kelly can think of is, "Okay, I'm done talking to you right now." This whole incident really makes me long for the days of Janice Dickinson, who maybe would have fallen out of her chair after eviscerating Louise with some pointed yet nonsensical metaphor about amputees. Tyra tells Louise that she obviously has a problem with authority, but Louise corrects her to say that no, she has a problem with rude people. Miss Banks has just about had it, and basically tells Louise that as a beginning model, you have to eat shit for a while. Louise sucks her finger, and then shakes her head continuously as Cat tries to give her some very gentle and cheerful advice. And then she storms out! There is cursing and crying and Louise tosses Alisha aside as she tries to stop her.
We cut to the outside world, where Louise screams to someone on production that she needs to get her shit and go home. She adds that if Kelly Cutrone was on the street, she'd knock her out. Oh, if only Louise would stay in the country long enough for this dream deferred to come to pass. On the matter of Kelly Cutrone versus Louise, it's really hard to pick a side, mostly because they both seem so awful. The other girls stand around and wonder what's going to happen, and Annaliese points out that you can't exactly come back after that whole scene. As Alisha cries and Louise screams some more about going home, we head to commercials.
When we return, the Brits sympathize with Louise, who is outside screaming that she's losing it. Catherine tells us that it's not a nice thing to see someone just have a fucking mental break as Tyra Banks looks on. Eventually, everyone lines up again and Tyra announces that Louise has decided to leave the competition. Yeah, I think we got that. She adds that on Top Model, they like to think that their criticism is tough, but constructive. Now, let's not get carried away here! With Louise out of the way, the American team is up for critique. Azmarie is first, and her photo finally realizes her potential. Cutrone adds that Azmarie's leadership gave her team a strong edge. It's raves all around. Kyle is , and her photo is cool and high fashion. Tyra praises her ability to be in control while she jumps. Seymone's shot is not amazing to Kelly, who wants her to own her body. Cat says that the photo is a bit too mature, which might alienate buyers. However, Tyra wants fiercely real clients to see overly sexualized images of themselves. I'm not sure if she thinks this would be a good thing or a bad thing.
Laura is , and her photo gets raves. Cat even loves the shadow of her legs on the wall. She actually managed to do something that looked halfway punk. And then there is Eboni. She looks like a straight up hooker. Not ho style. Ho. And last but not least is Candace, whose picture is pretty terrible. Kelly tells her that her photo is not at all what she'd like to see in this competition. Candace is stunning in person, but it's not happening in the pictures. Nigel agrees that the photo is cheesy. Candace blathers on about something or other that is not helping her case. In the end, for one reason or another, she was defeated.
The judges deliberate. Nigel loves Annaliese's personality, but he says that she doesn't have much control over her body. Kelly thinks that her personality is overcompensating for lack of modeling skills. Sophie embodied the vibe of the brand, and Cat goes so far to say that she embodies everything about London. Tyra wants to buy Catherine's dress, which means she's doing her job. Alisha needed to show more Gam-a-Tronicas. Ashley fell a bit flat, and Nigel says she looks about 40 years old. And then there's Louise. Amidst all the drama, they never really got to talk about the photo. It turns out that Tyra thought it was genius, as did Kelly. Cat notes that Louise needs to learn a few life lessons. I guess she'll have plenty of free time to do so.
As for the Yanks, Azmarie's shot is killer, and Tyra loves that she looks like a matador. Kyle's photo also gets raves. Kelly thinks that Seymone is holding her own, but is also holding too much in. Tyra loves that her face looks like a baby, and her body looks hot and sexy. Laura is fabulous, and her shot's a classic. Eboni is sad, even though she's a beautiful girl. Tyra says that she looks like a baby trying to be sexy, but not in a good way like Seymone. Candace's shot is painful, too. And with that, the judges have reached a decision.
The girls return, and Tyra announces that eight photos were selected as ones that could be used by Very.com. The best photo of the week goes to Azmarie, which is no surprise. Sophie is called , followed by Laura, Kyle, Catherine, Seymone, Annaliese, and Louise. Yes, Louise! But Louise, of course, is gone. Candance, Eboni, Alisha and Ashley all have photos that were not suitable for the client. Tyra has one photo in her hands. It turns out to be a montage of all four girls, because they're all still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. After all, at least they're not quitters.