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If you were looking forward to an episode in which people pick on Kyle a bunch and she threatens to go home seventeen times, and in which Eboni talks a lot about how she's a grown-ass woman even though she looks about eight, you're in luck!
For the week's challenge, brand strategist of indeterminate Nordic origins Martin Lindstrom has the girls film ad-libbed commercials for random fake products with dual purposes, like glow in the dark facial tissue or breath-freshening coffee. They're supposed to incorporate their stupid fake superpowers as well, and focus on giving a positive first impression to potential consumers. The Brits are pretty good overall, though Ashley does get very weird in her ad for scented toilet paper and lets us in on the fact that her boyfriend is a butt sniffer. Annaliese and Sophie in particular know how to be affably pushy and likably perky, respectively. On the American side, there are a lot of clunkers, and Laura seems to want to do something nefarious with trash bags.
Martin freaks everyone out when he reveals that the judges for this challenge will be a focus group of real live consumers who will evaluate the commercials and talk about who they like best. The poor models have to watch their evaluations, and we quickly learn that focus groups are mean and racist. One guy actually criticizes Alisha's "African accent," and the look on J. Alexander's face is priceless. The focus group likes Annaliese, Sophie and Kyle the best. The praise for Kyle is controversial, as she was likable but actually kind of sucked at trying to sell the product. Such is the power of -Doorsia! Several of the others turn on her, and she runs out of the room and says that she's not sure if she wants to stay in the competition. Everyone basically thinks that she needs to grow a) tougher skin; b) a set of ovaries, and eventually J. Alexander talks her off of the ledge. In the end, Annaliese wins the challenge and the entire British team gets diamond bracelets. Kyle calls home with news that she wants to go home, and her mom wisely advises her to sleep on it.
The week's photo shoot has the girls modeling extravagant British hats in classic American cars, with male models as drivers. Nigel is the photographer for this shoot, which takes place at the Sepulveda Dam. Despite her blasé attitude, Azmarie really rocks her shot and gets best photo for the second week in a row. She's followed by Laura, who has also been doing consistently well, and Kyle, who stays silent about the whole wanting to go home thing. Sophie narrowly avoids the bottom two, despite the fact that Kelly Cutrone wouldn't stop talking about how she looked like she was modeling maternity clothes. Seymone and Candace are up for elimination, and in the end it's Candace who is cut for being wholly unable to model, at all, even in the slightest. She tries to call out the unfairness of her being eliminated when there is someone in the house who apparently doesn't even want to be there. Tyra schools her by reminding us all that Naomi Campbell was totally mean to her back in the day, and that everyone has moments of weakness. She cares less about Kyle's emotional vacillations, and more about the fact that Candace doesn't have a clue what to do with her amazing face. There's a reason she was rejected from the show eight times, after all.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Last week: Louise freaked the fuck out on the runway and stormed off, and Kelly Cutrone put another notch on her box of Neither Nice Nor Easy "Black as Your Soul" hair dye. No one else was eliminated, and now the Americans have six bitches remaining while the Brits have only five.
This week, we start by focusing on the girls in the post-elimination holding room. Alisha is still shaken, and says she's disappointed in Louise because she was something of a role model. A cranky, pissy, finger-sucking role model, but a role model nonetheless. Sophie tells us that the Brits are having a hard time of it generally. They're down another person, they haven't gotten best picture once, and they haven't been working as a cohesive team a la the Americans. However, Sophie suspects that the Americans are starting to turn on each other a bit, proving that if you wait around long enough, it's bound to happen.
Then out of nowhere Eboni gets really pissed and says that she knows her photos were better, she had a better attitude, and also didn't complain after the shoot. But... she's totally complaining now. What's her point, here? Eboni explains that Tyra wants her to be something that she's not, namely a competent model. Also, Tyra deemed her "30-Never," which implies girlish freshness, and then the judges told her she looked like a prostitute in her photo, which she did. A prostitute under the bridge, even. Eboni says that the judges want to portray her as a baby, but she doesn't know what it's like to act like a kid. She didn't grow up with her mom, and her single-parent dad couldn't pay the mortgage on their house so they lost it. She's 18, but she's been through a lot of shit, and clearly can't fake her way as a happy-go-lucky teen. Eboni yells at the other girls that she's a fucking adult, and is grown as fuck, and she's sick of hearing Kyle complain that she didn't look punk enough. Kyle has a distinctly WTF reaction, which seems appropriate in this situation. What's Kyle got to do, got to do with it, you may ask? She thinks that Eboni is mad because Kyle has been called before her at every single panel, likely because Kyle doesn't completely suck at being a model. As she tells us that Eboni can be as mad as she wants and she doesn't give a fuck, we head to the credits. So many f-bombs in that three minute opening!
When the models return home, there's a big box of tacky presents for the Americans in honor of Azmarie's best-of-week photo. Even the Brits hug Azmarie for her victory, mostly because they want to get with her. Even the houseplants are stretching their fronds closer and closer to her impressive biceps. Candace, meanwhile, is not having the best time of it. She was in the bottom four last week, and was only spared by Louise's freak out. Candace knows she's lucky, because her photo shoot was a hot mess. She reminds us that she tried out for this show eight times, which is either a mark of persistence or mental illness, or persistent mental illness. She feels like something good is going to happen for her, which proves that she is a bad psychic as well as a bad model.
With that, there is Tyra Mail. In the photo that accompanies the Tyra Mail, Herself is wearing denim American flag shorts and holding a cowboy hat over her boobs. Is that always there? Does she not tyrannize us enough? In any case, the Tyra Mail reads, "Can You Translate Your Super Powers Into SUPER SALES? Fierce and Love, Tyra." Every word in the Tyra Mail is capitalized, like it's the title of a research paper or has been translated by a German. I would also give, like, the entirety of my pay for this recap to have one of the girls go, "I think the challenge has something to do with Soupy Sales!" And then they learn that they have to smize through the pies. Sometimes the alternative Top Model that happens in my head gets really interesting. The girls correctly assume that their superpowers are going to have something to do with the challenge, and then Kyle gets all pissy when someone says something about her being the girl door. She's only the girl door if the girl who lives door is not there to make friends. Why does no one want a super power that involves being fresh-faced and pleasant?
The day, the girls head to an office building, in which J. Alexander awaits. He introduces them to Martin Lindstrom, whose title has been upgraded to "Brand Futurist." The trick to consulting is to use a bunch of meaningless words in succession. It convinces people every time. I'll never forget the moment I first heard the word "calendarize." For to simply say, "I'll put that on the calendar," would not be impactful enough. Anyway, Lindstrom was of course on hand for the last all-star season, in which he espoused such helpful advice as telling Alexandra that people think she's "anorring." Martin, in his vaguely Nordic accent, tells the girls that this challenge is designed to make them brand spokespeople. I mean, not for actual brands -- that would be crazy. He uses Angelina Jolie as the example of a good brand spokesperson, I guess for the brand of "charity." You think of charity, you think of Angelina Jolie. She's now a spokesperson for The National Association of Pasty Legs, Dot Org.
So, for this challenge, the girls will have to develop their own TV commercials, for fake products that they're given. In the real world, Martin says, consumers make snap judgments, so this challenge is really about first impressions. The girls will have to use their personalities, such as they are, to sell some crap. The winner will get three diamond bracelets, plus a bonus diamond bracelet for each of her country-mates. Martin explains that the commercial will be one continuous (and may I add unscripted) take, and then the girls choose random boxes under which are their respective products. Azmarie gets ANTM glow-in-the-dark facial tissue. Sophie gets edible hand sanitizer. And so on, with each product having some weird bonus feature that would probably kill you.
Sophie is first up with her edible hand sanitizer. She's super perky, even through talking about how you can clean your face and your tongue with it. I probably would not recommend that. There's a little caption that flashes for a second saying, "Product claims in all commercials are strictly fictitious." So don't actually eat your hand sanitizer, morons! We see a flash of Catherine shilling her hair dryer with silent mode, and Alisha enthusiastically presents a TV dinner. Poor Ashley proves that she is not equipped to improvise about scented toilet paper as she says, "It's scented so your bum will be like...smelling nice and fresh, if you have a boyfriend." She then clarifies for us that her boyfriend does NOT smell her arse, despite what her mum and the rest of the world now thinks. Annaliese sells a universal remote control / weight with great aplomb. Martin says that she was amazing, and also a very good speaker.
With that, it's time for the Americans to do some selling. Seymone plays up the fiercely real angle as she sells some sort of vitamins. Azmarie suggests using glow-in-the-dark facial tissue for when you can't find your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. See, that could be helpful, actually. But would you actually want to wipe your nose with it? That gets the glow-in-the-dark mechanism so close to your brain. Laura gets anti-bacterial trash bags and says, "Just pull one of these out, slip it under, and nobody has to know." So... wait. Is she advocating taking a shit in a trash bag? That... is psychotic. Alisha confirms for us that Laura is a bit gone with the wind.
Kyle is , selling teeth-whitening breath mints. She reminds us that her superpower is -Doorsia, so people like her and she should be good at this. She first talks about cleaning your breath, then says that you'll get crispy-fresh breath. Annaliese compares her to toast with no butter, and nobody is particularly impressed. Except for Martin Lindstrom! Even though what Kyle was saying was junk, she was warm and relatable. I don't know, I think she had big ole' crazy eyes. Maybe people like that? Sophie does an excellent impression of Eboni in her commercial, which basically consists of her talking about how pretty she is. Finally, Candace shoots her commercial for breath-freshening coffee. She predicts that she will be terrible, and is. Eventually she runs out of ideas and just repeats the words, "Buy this coffee." That's one technique to win friends and influence people. Martin gives the girls good news: they did fairly well overall. However, there is bad news. Martin and J. are not the jury. Rather, there are REAL LIFE CONSUMERS (e.g., PEOPLE) who are going to evaluate the commercials in a focus group situation to see who made the best first impression. There is a LOT of grimacing happening as we head to commercials.
When we return, the focus group of ten people ages 18 - 45 files into a conference room. Meanwhile, the girls and Miss J. in his fashion mummy ensemble watch the goings on via hidden camera. Martin tells the focus group members that they shouldn't worry too much about the weird products in the commercials, but rather focus on the first impression of the models. They see Azmarie's commercial first, and Martin asks who can't stand what they saw. About half of the group raises a hand. Martin asks them to explain, and one burly looking dude mentions her tattoos. He totally doesn't like her because she looks like a lesbian. My first impression of this focus group is: homophobic! The second will be: racist! Laura is , and one guy calls her ghetto. A focus group lady calls Catherine messy, which is actually not completely untrue. She just can't seem to get that hair in order. THEN the focus group sees Alisha's commercial. One dude says, and I quote, "I don't like the African accent." The mouths of all the models and Miss J. are agape.
Candace is , and one focus group member says that she made her nervous. Martin tells us that Candace needs to try being a bit softer. Ashley seems to get mixed reviews, while we hear some positive feedback about Seymone. The focus group says almost in unison that Sophie is cute, and when Martin asks what product she should advertise someone says Cover Girl. Sophie is LOVING that, obviously. Annaliese is deemed "brilliant," and one guy says, "I'd buy anything from her." She really does know how to talk out of her ass in a relatively pleasant way. In a big surprise, the entire group likes Kyle, because she's so sweet and likeable. Brandi is not a fan of this assessment, particularly as she listens to a focus group member say that she keeps talking about prettiness when she's not even that pretty. Martin explains that Brandi is too full of herself, and when you're trying to relate to people you can't talk down to them.
Miss J. asks the girls what they learned from this rather traumatizing experience, and Alisha says that if you don't have the girl door look, you can't sell products. Then, led by Brandi, the room seems to turn on Kyle. It is roundly acknowledged that she did not do a good job, and yet the focus group gave her overwhelmingly positive feedback. I don't think Brandi has a stump to stand on, since she was pretty terrible as well, but I do believe that Alisha makes a point when she tells us that she did better than Kyle, but the focus group liked Kyle more simply based on how she looked. Kyle has had enough, and walks out the door saying that she's tired of this shit and wants to go home. Sophie is the first to acknowledge that if you want to be in the fashion business, you have to have thicker skin. But not literally, because then casting agents will call you leathery.
Kyle acknowledges that she's previously had doubts about staying in this competition, and now is starting to wonder if she should go home and finish school instead of humiliating herself repeatedly on national television. I mean, that IS one option. Get a degree in social work or special education! Don't allow yourself to be featured on America's Top Model All-Stars: Cycle 35! Miss J. follows Kyle to talk her down, perhaps out of the goodness of his heart but also, I'm sure, because it can't look good for the show to have two models walk out in two consecutive weeks. Kyle tells J. that Eboni in particular is a bitch, and if she stays she might have to pound her face in. At least the burn mark gives her a convenient target. Miss J. tells Kyle that she has something, and he thinks she should only go home when the judges send her home. I think before anyone voluntarily walks, they should be contractually obligated to eat a full loaf of haggis.
The girls all regroup for their evaluation. Martin tells them that they have numerous focus groups in their future, and should be willing to learn from some of the feedback and discard the rest. In other words, Alisha needn't worry about her "African accent." Kyle, Sophie and Annaliese were liked best by the focus group, but it's Annaliese who is named the winner. Her Excite-to-Buy powers came in handy, and this victory is completely non-controversial because she actually was really good. The Brits are quite excited to have finally won something, particularly something involving diamonds.
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail: "Hold on to your hats, and prepare for a bumpy ride. Fierce and Love, Tyra." Oh, and then fucking Kyle calls her mom and complains about how she wants to go home. Kyle explains to us that at one time she really did want to be America's Top Model, but now all the stress is getting to her and not even crispy fresh breath can keep her spirits up. Kyle's mom doesn't want her to leave just because some bitches are being mean to her, and tells her to get some sleep before making a final decision. The other girls talk about the Kyle predicament, and we finally get to the Annaliese clip we've been seeing in all the previews when she says, "Get your shit together, you gots ta go!" I am sympathetic to a "shit or get off the pot" argument. As crazy as Louise was, at least we didn't have to listen to her whine for a whole episode before she walked. With this, we head to commercials.
When we return, the girls head to the iconic Sepulveda Dam, which has been home to countless commercial and movie shoots. Jay Manuel and Nigel come riding up in classic cars that are bumping all over the place, intentionally. Alisha more or less calls them the Snoop Doggs of fashion. Today's photo shoot combines British and American cultures by having the girls model extravagant British hats from Philip Treacy -- I believe they're called "fascinators" -- in classic American cars. They cars have shiny paint and tricked-out hydraulics, which is what makes them bounce up and down in a rather alarming manner.
The girls head into hair and makeup, where they're done up in gowns and their elaborate hats. Kyle tells the makeup artist about how sad she was last night and how she misses her family, which allows Candace an opportunity to explain again that Kyle isn't tough enough for this shit. Her ultimate message is: if you want to leave, leave. Azmarie is first on set, looking gorgeous in a long, slinky red dress and wide-brimmed black hat. Jay tells her that she looks like an old Pierre Cardin ad, and the whole thing is amazing. Nigel does give her the helpful advice not to have a butch face and butch body at the same time. Catherine is in a flowing blue-green dress and bright pink hat. She seems to do fairly well, though Seymone assures us that the Brits might be doing a little bit better overall, but certainly aren't making a comeback. Alisha shows that she was ahead of the trend as she sticks her Gamatronica leg out of her long dress with a high slit. Do you think someone called Angelina Jolie "Gamarhubarb" and that led to her Oscar leg madness?
Then there's Kyle. She says that she might not stay in the competition anymore, but if she DOES she's going to transition from being a sweet Texas girl to being a bitch. America's Top Model: molding the futures of young women since 2003. Kyle sits on a classic car and Jay screams "gorgeous!" and Eboni tells us that Kyle is packed and waiting by the door and should just get the hell out. Oh wow, I wasn't even aware that was happening, the show has handled it with such a light touch. Ashley is and looks really pretty, though things get weird when Nigel tells her to feel the car bouncing under her hand. You knew we couldn't have him behind the lens without things getting skeevy at some point. Then there's Seymone, who just kind of sits on top of her car's back seat. Jay tells her to laugh or interact with her driver, but Seymone can't get it together and admits that she has no idea what she's going to do. Nigel tells us that Seymone was so removed from the moment that it made it hard for him as a photographer. He pulls her out, and says that time is money and he needs her to come with a game plan. Eventually she seems to get it together a little bit, and is crossing her fingers that she'll wind up with a decent photo for panel.
Annaliese is , and manages to rock a big poufy hat that looks like a paper flower decoration. Laura is the first to get down on the ground and try to make out with her car, which bodes well. Nigel loves her. And then there's Candace. Nigel tells her that she looks great, but Sophie wonders if anyone will realize that she never moves. She does a quick assessment of the American girls, and notes that Azmarie and Laura are the only real competition. From what we've seen so far, that seems pretty accurate. Candace says that she's psyched and pumped to have Nigel as a photographer, and expresses those emotions by keeping her face completely still. we have Sophie, who jumps for a while, and leans far back, and then kind of cracks up about the bouncing car. Nigel is glad that she's having fun, but also wants her to know that she's wasting them money with all of her stupid laughing. I think his character today is "stern dad." Wait, revise that: "Stern creepy dad." He's frustrated by the fact that he couldn't get Sophie looking good and the car jumping in the same frame. Finally there's Eboni, who knows that she's supposed to be 30-Never, but also feels like she has to stay true to herself. She also gets on the ground, and seems to do quite well. And that's a wrap!
Back at the house, Kyle packs. Azmarie asks what's up, and Kyle says that she doesn't want to stay in the house when someone else really wants it and she doesn't. But she still hasn't actually made a decision. She's going to sleep on it, and by "it" she means her packed suitcase. Laura is sick of people quitting when thousands of girls would love to be there. Candace wants Kyle to step up to the plate and actually leave, mostly because she realizes there's a great chance that her ass is toast otherwise. With this statement of charity and goodwill, we head to commercials.
When we return, it's panel time. There are prizes, there are judges. Miss J. is the guest judge, which makes me think that Martin Lindstrom had to bow out at the last minute. Sophie is first up for evaluation. Nigel says that she was very high fashion, but the problem was that when she and the gown looked great, the cars weren't perfect. He tells her to pull it together quicker. Cutrone thinks that Sophie's picture looks like a maternity ad for a hobo mom. Furthermore, she's rolling with hot dudes but isn't connected with them at all. Maybe the whole lot of them are en route to Maury for a paternity test? Is that an adequate editorial narrative? Tyra wants Sophie to have more space between her one arm and her body, which I'm sure would have made her look twenty times less pregnant in her voluminous gown. up is Eboni. Nigel says that her photo is stunning. Miss J. points out her one wonky eye, and notes that he has one too. He tells her to play in the mirror for a while. Tyra says that Eboni reminds her of a thirteen year old girl who is trying to possess a sexuality that she's not yet ready for. Eboni's blessing and her curse is her baby face. She basically needs to get over it and stop trying to look like a prostitute.
is Catherine. Cutrone tells her that cars are sexy, but her picture is not. She also thinks that Catherine's face is tense. Miss J. wishes that Catherine had pushed a little more, and given a bit more neck extension. Then there's Alisha, who is showing a whole lot of leg in short-shorts. The judges do note the awkwardly stuck-out leg in her photo, but Cutrone says that Alisha's body is too weight lifter-ish. Miss J. points out Alisha's baloney and cheese, by which he means her toes hanging over the end of her shoe. Alisha is kind of like, "Well give me a shoe that fits, then!" Tyra loves Alisha's face, though. Then there's Seymone. Nigel talks about how frustrating it was to shoot her, because she wasn't committing. Tyra says that she looks like the wife of the head of the Rose Bowl, riding in a car in a parade. This is clearly not good. Do you think "majorette" would be good? If I said that I'd mean it as a compliment. Tyra points out that Seymone has a miraculous body, but is not doing anything with it. Cutrone agrees that her shot is mediocre at best.
Kyle is , and nervous looks abound. The first thing Cutrone tells her is that she looks like a ninny when she appears before panel. She takes out her hair and shakes it around awkwardly, and all problems are solved. To the chagrin of just about everyone, the judges love Kyle's photo. Ashley is , and Nigel says that not only does she display Charismia, she also transforms like a chameleon. She has been blessed as the one he wants to bone this season, what an honor. Nigel was disappointed in Candace, namely because her photo is horrible. She didn't communicate with anyone around her, and her face was the same in shot after shot. Tyra wishes that they had given her Azmarie's hair or lack thereof, so that she'd have nothing to hide behind. At first I thought, "It's not too late!" but then I realized that really, it is. Then there's Laura. She's phenomenal, and was very inspiring to Nigel. Cutrone tells her that she looks like a drunk Mae West, which is a compliment, and Tyra points out that she is doing the verb modeling, which is also a compliment. Annaliese needs to learn to look taller, according to Miss J., and Nigel tells her not to put her legs so far apart. However, Tyra likes that Annaliese knows how to use the muscles in her face. And then there's Azmarie. Her photo is so fierce that she doesn't even look like a human being. This is very good, because human beings are the worst.
The judges deliberate. Catherine's shot is good, but she could do more. However, Tyra loves her handsome, manly face. Eboni's idea of sexy is working against her, and she needs to embrace the baby face. Cutrone thinks that Sophie is maternity mayhem. Annaliese is extremely bookable, according to Nigel. Cutrone thinks she's more television presenter than model, but she's growing every week. Alisha's face is great, but otherwise Cutrone thinks she looks like she should be in a protein shake commercial. Yes, she is a very muscular 99 pounds. Tyra throws her leg over the table in a mockery of Gamatronica gone wild. Miss J. isn't totally sure that Seymone is comfortable in her own skin, and Cutrone hasn't seen her look like a model yet. Tyra thinks that Seymone has a banging Jessica Rabbit body, but she's disappointed in this week's photo.
Kyle is smoking hot in her photo, though a complete mess at panel. Nigel points out that she can look incredible. Ashley needs to be conscious of her Charismia brand and bring it to wherever she is, according to Cutrone. Nigel does not mention wanting to bang her, though you can still see the glint in his eyes. Candace makes Kelly Cutrone cry, and Nigel points out that she's not Exotica in anything but looks. Tyra coins the phrase, "Exotica is forgotica," which I'm sure will become the "fugeddaboudit" of 2012. Laura was great, and is zagging when others are zigging through her willingness to drape herself and her expensive gown all over the ground. Azmarie has a grumpy "too cool for school" thing about her, but looks amazing so who cares. Well, Cutrone cares a little. Miss J. impersonates Azmarie's disaffected reaction to her own fabulousness, and the judges have reached a decision.
Eleven girls, ten photos. These photos represent the ten girls who are still in the running towards becoming America's Model. The first name that Tyra is going to call is best picture this week. And it's Azmarie, for the second week in a row. Laura is called , followed by Kyle. Everyone kind of looks at Kyle, waiting to see if she'll quit. She doesn't, and says nary a word about it. Catherine is called , followed by Annaliese, Eboni, Alisha, Ashley, and Sophie. With Seymone and Candace in the bottom two, an American is definitely going home. Seymone is a vision of loveliness, and it's very rare to find a fiercely real girl with proportions like hers. However, her photos don't represent her in-person beauty. Tyra wonders how something so lovely turns into mediocrity. And then there's Candace, a lovely creature with an edge of Exotica. But just like Seymone, her pictures are mediocre. So which mediocre model gets to stay in the competition by default? It's Seymone, who gets her photo with a note that she doesn't know what she's doing and needs more time.
This means that Candace is out. Tyra knows that Candace wants this, as evidenced by the fact that she tried out eight times. She asks if Candace gets scared when the camera is on. Candace says that she overthinks and overanalyzes. Tyra tells her that she's a queen, and needs to own it. Candace then says that it's unfair, because there are people in the house who were on the verge of packing and leaving. Tyra interrupts her to say that she doesn't know who Candace is talking about, and furthermore when she was in Paris there was a model (NAOMI) who was so (NAOMI) awful (NAOMI) to her (NAOMI), and Tyra had a weak moment herself. She was lucky to have a strong support system to keep her going. Candace is getting judged on the photo shoot and the picture, and that's it. Don't you love how Tyra skillfully facilitated this incident to make it neither about Kyle, nor Candace, but about Tyra herself? It is truly her greatest gift.
Candace is very sad to leave, and would have loved to go further. She wishes she had been given more of a chance to prove herself. However, she's a strong individual and work past it. I also intuit that she will continue to complain about Kyle for at least the four years.
time: the girls go to Toronto fashion week! Catwalk madness! And things get sticky with a maple syrup covered photo shoot.
Potes would like someone to invent glow-in-the-dark tissues and send them to her. She can be tweeted @traciepotes, or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.