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This week, Top Model explores the concept of becoming famous by being a giant weirdo on the Internets. Certainly among the seven remaining models, there are some contenders in this field. YouTube sensations make various cameos in the episode, with the first Tyra Mail delivered by some annoying little girl who is actually probably 37 or something. She's the postmodern Webster! No, really, I have no idea who she is. But she's a phenomenon! Anyway, the ladies are each tasked with writing and recording their own song (or at least providing lyrics and a melody to a preordained track, with some professional help) and starring in a video for said song. For the week's challenge, they must write their lyrics in a mere 20 minutes, and the winner will get a visit from a loved one. Allison is completely freaked out by this challenge, as she claims she's not at all musical. But then she actually goes deep and writes very personal lyrics about her father who passed away last year. She gets overwhelmed and weepy, and it makes me sad that throughout this episode Tyra Banks is going to do her damnedest to defile what is actually a very beautiful thing. Lisa, of course, has an advantage in that she's written songs before, even though they're terrible ones. Her La Puchinetta swag comes through, and she wins the challenge and a visit from her fiancé. And he's, like, totally normal! Crazy.
The girls head into the studio to record their tracks, and learn that Tyra has come up with a "fun" hook that she wants everyone to incorporate into their song. It is this: "Pot ledom, that's top model backwards." Yes, Tyra is now trying to make "pot ledom" a thing. I don't know, everyone. Allison is crestfallen, because trying to work "pot ledom, that's top model backwards" in a heartfelt song about your dead father is more than any human should have to bear. But then she is actually totally awesome, and her song, "Underwater," is creepy and wonderful, and she does this sort of whisper overlay of the "pot ledom" thing that is just sublime because of how you almost can't hear it. And to give credit where it's due, Lisa's song, "I Be Like Whoa," is actually pretty great, or at least she sells it like crazy.
, the girls shoot videos for their songs and learn that Game (nee The Game) will be their director. They also learn that Tyra (wearing a pot ledom outfit that involves, like, one armful of feathers) will be in their videos along with YouTube Webster II Keenan Cahill. Yes, Tyra will not rest until she has completely sullied Allison's tender ballad! And also ruined anything that anyone has ever done, anywhere. Dominique's song is called "Tooch Ya Booty," and is basically a two-minute advertisement for Top Model affiliates. Alexandria pulls some weird German robot shit with her song "Go, Go, Go," and elicits Game's fantastic observation that there's not enough time to put oil in the Tin Man. Shannon's song is vacant and virginal, while Laura's "Southern Sweet Girl" has her signature mix of Valtrex and apple pie. Lisa's video is high energy and pretty great, and Game really likes her. But not as much as he likes Allison! People, Game is IN LOVE with Allison, for real. It's totally deep. And he is right to be in love, because her video performance (on a swing!) is magical. She uses her giant eyes to their best effect yet, and Game calls her face a work of art. Things don't go so well for Angelea, unfortunately, and her video for "I'm Here" tanks with just about everyone.
At panel, Game continues to be in love with Allison, calling her the most weirdly beautiful person that he's ever seen. Her video is deemed the best of the week, which you can tell really sticks in Lisa's craw. Shannon squeaks by again, even though the judges think she's a vacant sack of bones. Angelea gets a harsh critique, but it's Alexandria who finally goes, goes, goes. And Game's love for Allison is consummated when her video is named the best of the week!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We enter in the post-elimination limo, where Angelea expresses her surprise at Bianca's elimination. And oh, sigh. Why must they remind us? I've been working diligently with my therapist to get over it and move on, but haven't quite managed it yet. We are reminded that Kayla went home as well, which was less of an offense, but an offense nonetheless. It's just all very weird. Angelea tells us that she was sad to see Kayla go, but a lot of the ladies were perfectly happy that Bianca is out of the house and they don't have to worry about her loud mouth anymore. Angelea reminds us that she's still here, and also that she's the spice. The Buffalo spice, hot and tangy and occasionally used to disguise nefarious pieces and parts.
The ladies enter their house and Lisa is very excited upon seeing her best-of-week Nene Leakes photo as digital art. She tells us that when you're on top there's a lot of pressure to stay there, and then attributes her high-ranking position to good karma. I guess if you suffered through Dr. Drew for 4 weeks you do deserve something good in your life. Do you guys remember when Dr. Drew was really hot? Back in the Loveline days? Or was that just me? Meanwhile, Laura puts some clothes away and talks about how proud she is of how far she's come. Allison says that Laura has instant charisma, and then tells us that she herself is more of an introvert than attention whore. It's really amazing how she ever got on this show in the first place. Allison is trying to work on building her attention-whoriness, but tells us that she has by no stretch of the imagination completed that journey. And really, let's hope that she never does.
Tyra Mail! Oh, except this is a very special video delivered by some little girl named Madison, who is billed as an "Internet phenomenon." Now, I had never heard of this little person, but since she is an Internet phenomenon I figured Google would provide me with some info. It turns out that Madison is a five year old makeup guru, who posts tutorials online. I got exactly nine seconds into one of her tutorials and wanted to take a hatchet to my forehead. I mean, no offense to the child, but what the fuck? Somebody get that kid a library card and maybe some foster parents. I'm never having kids, this world is a horrible place. Anyway, the models seem charmed by Madison, despite the fact that you can't understand a word she says (other than "bronzer") in delivering the Tyra Mail message. Angelea can decipher at least part of it, and lets us know that "keeping a beat" is part of the equation. She wonders if it has something to do with music.
Soon, Jay Manuel enters the house and tells the ladies that throughout the competition they have been working on ways in which celebrities can become household names. And what better way to take your celebrity up a notch than to go viral. Yes, the girls are creating sex tapes! Awesome. Oh, wait, no. The girls will be writing songs and starring in their very own music videos. Jay introduces music producer Tom Polce of CBS Records, who will help each model write and perform her song. And then Jay loses what little credibility he had by saying, "Think how going viral worked for Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber." The Bieber part, okay, fine. But Rebecca Black? She went viral for performing the worst song ever written terribly! That bitch, like, has to be homeschooled now! I mean, she actually seems lovely and I'm sure she made some cash. But, really. This is something to aspire to? Lisa is excited about this challenge, because she's a phenomenal musical talent. The lyric "poppin' bottles with Top Model" didn't write itself, people. You know who is not excited? Allison. She looks like she is about to throw up. Jay tells the ladies that the challenge for the week is to write lyrics to their viral hit in a mere 20 minutes after hearing their background tracks. From deep within a fur scarf, Allison tells us that this is an excellent challenge for people who sing. But she doesn't sing. And, credits!
When we return, Jay explains that in addition to being their helper, music producer Tom Polce will be the challenge judge. The winner of the challenge will have a special loved one flown in for the night. Shannon perks up at this, since she hasn't seen her husband in over a month and would love nothing more than to have a late-night Bible study with him. The 20 minutes starts ticking down, and the girls disperse with their headphones, legal pads, and pens. Angelea says that her track sounds kind of like battle music that signifies climbing your way to the top, and so she writes corresponding lyrics. She sings a few bars that go, "Here I stand, ready to win, I ain't going nowhere." Alexandria doesn't know what to do with her song. Tom asks what mood it evokes. The track makes Alexandria want to dance, so Tom suggests that she go with that. Oh, a song about dancing! That's unique. Alexandria explains to us that her song is kind of about moving through life. She speaks her lyrics aloud, because they only make sense in the context of poetry: "I'm never gonna stop / I make my own clock / Now watch me go, go, go." So Alexandria is going to become a clockmaker? I think that's a good career choice for her, actually. Alexandria says she's learned that great masterpieces can be made in 20 minutes. How has no one punched her in the giant forehead yet?
Shannon of course decides to write about her husband, or Jesus, or both. Lisa tells us that she's been writing songs for years, so no one could be more ready for this than her. "Songs." Lisa's lyrical inspiration is her stance in the competition, which she describes as, "If you want to hang out with me, you'd better hold on tight." She sings her title hook, "I Be Like Whoa." Wherever she is, Maya Angelou just wept at the power (and/or nonsensical meaninglessness) of Lisa's words. Tom also loves it. And then we get a flash of Shannon writing her song, but the big story here is that she's sitting on a divan to a birdcage that has a sign on it that says, "Pure." What. The. French. We then see Tom working with Dominique and Laura to tweak their lyrics a bit for better effect. And then there's Allison. She's sprawled out on the floor, and also appears to have scabby knees. Neither of those things is good. Lisa explains to us that Allison can do the challenge, she's just freakishly freaked out. Allison hands her lyrics to Tom, who detects that they are meaningful to her. He says that he loves them. Allison explains that she wrote about her father, who passed away last year. She's feeling overwhelmed, and tells us that the things that surface when you're in a pressure cooker situation are often things that matter. Like a message carved in a pan of low-fat brownies, tearing a path through the crusty chocolate surface.
With the 20 minutes having passed, Tom gathers the girls to announce the challenge winner. He says that Lisa and Angelea were both standouts. Lisa's lyrics were great and they didn't even have to tweak the chorus. Angelea had a strong story, and knew what she wanted. But the winner is Lisa, and this means that she'll get to see her fiancé, whom she describes as her better half. The linguistic innovation just flows out of her like water from a rusty spigot!
The girls head to The Village music studio, where they meet up with Tom again. He goes through a list of all the musical luminaries who have recorded there, and Laura is so thrilled that she wants someone to pinch her. I'm sure Tom would oblige if she asked nicely. He's a really supportive mentor like that. So, also, there's a twist. Tyra has come up with a "really fun hook" that she'd like each model to incorporate into her song. Tom asks the models what "pot ledom" means to them. Angelea, with no hesitation, realizes that it's "top model" backwards. Allison looks so depressed right now, I can't even tell you. Tom is way too enthusiastic as he tells the ladies that Tyra wants each of them to incorporate the line, "Pot Ledom -- that's Top Model backwards," into their song. I spent a good 48 hours trying to come up with anything that could be considered even remotely more stupid than this, and was ultimately unsuccessful. Tom also emphasizes the fact that the girls are trying to make a viral video, which is all about fun. If Allison had one bone in her face that was not completely depressed before, it has figured out how to use itself to weigh down her frown even further. She feels completely defeated at the idea that she's going to have to work "Pot Ledom -- that's Top Model backwards" into her "fun" song about her father dying. I mean, I would actually like to see Bob Dylan or Joni Mitchell take a crack at that, just to determine if it's possible. Poor Allison, making the rookie mistake of being authentic and sincere, and infusing her work with meaning.
We first see Angelea in the recording studio, and she assures us that she's got the Pot Ledom situation under control. Her voice doesn't sound half bad, either. After Angelea goes, Lisa realizes that she should go last to avoid copycat performances by the others. She refers to "her craft," which I guess is "being weird on reality TV." We then cut to Shannon, who actually has a chance to be rival to Rebecca Black. I be like whoa, you are really tone deaf. By her own admission, Shannon is not the best singer, but her strategy is to have so much fun that you are fooled into believing that she's good, because she's having such a time of it. I think she actually just summed up the Taylor Swift strategy quite nicely. It's a vocal technique called, "Look at how pretty my hair is when I twirl!" Shannon adds a little rap at the end of her song. Because she's so fun! Meanwhile, Allison's face is completely red from crying. She tells us that having to work the whole Pot Ledom thing into a song involving her family (e.g., something that is not degrading and idiotic like everything else on this show) is making her more emotional than she would be otherwise. As she says she doesn't know if she can do it at all, we head to commercials.
When we return, Allison tells us that, after a long emotional moment, she pulled it together and reworked her song. In a very forlorn manner, she says she hopes it will all work out. We then hear a bit of Allison recording her song, which is completely creepy-awesome. Angelea tells us that she underestimated Allison, who appears to be frustratingly good at everything. It's true that not only is the song cool, but Allison seems to be a fairly decent singer. She creepy-whispers "Top Model backwards" over a floaty "Top Ledom" hook, because she's a genius. Well-played, lady. Dominique goes for brownie points with a song called "Tooch Ya Booty," while Laura's "Southern Sweet Girl" reaches depths of tone-deafness not seen since Shannon took her turn. Lisa's advice to her is not to quit modeling. Funny, my advice to Lisa is to quit modeling!
Speaking of quitting or not quitting modeling, there's Alexandria. She has shades on in the studio, and tells us that with some time, dedication, and practice, she could be a recording artist. She sounds suspiciously okay, but trust me that this won't last. Also, her song seems to have been engineered by German men in lab coats. Then there's Lisa. She's definitely comfortable in the studio, and does a good job of delivering her track, "I Be Like Whoa." She spits out her lyrics in a confident "white lady rapper wearing a neon headband" kind of way. It's her brand! Lisa is very hung up on everyone seeing that she's the queen of all trades, and there's nothing she loves to do more than perform. Yeah, on the last part, I think we got it. Lisa works in her Pot Ledom line by rapping, "And just in case y'all ain't wizards / Pot Ledom is Top Model spelled backwards / Ha." I guess Angelea IS a wizard since she was the one who originally figured that out. Now things are starting to make sense. And that's a wrap! Tom dismisses the ladies to do whatever they do while he prepares the audio tracks for their upcoming video shoot. And let me tell you, Tom does way too good of a job, because these tracks turn out to be very listenable. I hope he got hazard pay.
And then, surprise! Back at the house, Lisa's fiancé Adam, also known as her honey bear, shows up. She calls him the love of her life, and then says that she may still be in a modeling competition, but in life she's already won. You know, I just realized that part of the rationale for choosing Lisa as the challenge winner is that she's local. They didn't even have to pay for that man's bus fare, probably. Lisa and Adam snuggle on the bed, and she tells us that she's hit rock bottom a whole bunch, but she's smarter now because of Adam. She then points out that they're opposites. While she's the loud, crazy, insane artistic one, Adam is organized and quiet. He's probably so quiet because he can't get a word in edgewise. Lisa says that each is the other's better half, and Adam continues to remain silent. Finally he says, "I just missed you so much," which is sweet. He totally loves her, neon bathing suit and all. The two head under the covers for some private sexy time, and thankfully we fade out.
The day, the girls meet up with Jay in some sort of set/warehouse space. I would not put it past this show to just start setting up in abandoned buildings at this point. Jay tells them that he liked all the songs and that there wasn't a clunker in the bunch (Tom Polce! Hero to the auditory senses!). Today is the video shoot, which is all about selling the visual in the face and the performance in front of the camera. He reiterates that if their videos go viral it could be huge for their careers. Have you seen any of these going viral? Right. The girls head backstage for hair, makeup, and wardrobe and Allison tells us that though things have been rather difficult so far, she wants to finish up this challenge as gracefully as possible. Lisa, on the other hand, wants to look like she robbed the American Apparel clearance rack. I suppose that's her thing.
And then, Jay walks in with a very special guest. It's Game, the artist formerly known as THE Game. Angelea is so doused in instant hormones that she has to walk around in circles flapping her hands. Game is a Grammy-nominated, multi-platinum superstar, and he'll be directing the videos. Dominique is up first, and Jay makes some Beyonce comparisons. Hold up now, people. Let's not get crazy. He wants Dominique to imitate Beyonce's stop/neck whip move. Dominique's got a little J. Lo in her styling too, and Game dubs her "J.Yonce." Game is funny from time to time, and also unexpectedly about to find love in a few minutes. SPOILER! But back to Dominique. She looks very pretty, but Game has to tell her to stop dropping so much. Dominique explains to us that what Game didn't know is that she was actually falling. Those are some impressive leg muscles she has that prevent her ass from hitting the ground. Well played, Dominique!
Alexandria is , and Game says that she looks like a giant to her fancy prop car. He tells her to imagine the car as a short guy that she really loves. However, Alexandria can't seem to muster any sexual attraction for her mechanical boyfriend. Maybe she can't see him properly because of her dark shades? Game suggests that she fall back on the hood. That doesn't go so well, either. Angelea sums it up thusly: "There's a line in her song that says, 'Go, go, go.' No, no, no." Jay tries to get Alexandria to own each moment and make it come together, but the fact is that Alexandria has the presence and charisma of instant mashed potatoes. Jay tells us that she was awkward and rigid in taking direction, and not only stunned Game into silence, but caused him to make up an excuse about how he had to leave. Game sums it up as, "Not enough time to put oil in the tin man." As Alexandria sighs through her black lips, we head to commercials.
When we return, the girls have another special guest. It's fucking Tyra, dressed up like an idiot in a neon green body suit with the words "Pot Ledom" emblazoned upon it, two long ponytails, and one randomly feathered arm. This actually might be at least partly recycled from her Super Smize ensemble. Tyra explains that superstar singers always have somebody featured in their video, like a posse backing them up. Jay adds that he thought it would add more excitement to the videos if Tyra was in them. Looking like that? Really? Nobody looks all that excited, I think because they actually sort of wanted these videos to be cool and good, and were maybe even a little proud of them. The models should know by now that Tyra would never allow that to happen! Mwah ha ha ha! And really, my overarching philosophical stance is that if you feel bad for the models, this show isn't doing its job properly.
But wait, there's more. Tyra can't be a viral video posse member alone. Nay, she needs someone who's had over one hundred million hits on YouTube -- it's that kid Keenan Cahill, who is small and beloved by celebrities for his enthusiastic lip-syncing. And I mean, good for him I guess, but can he not just actually learn the fucking lyrics ONE TIME? It makes me insane. If you have no real discernible talent, I think the least you can do is try hard. Or at least aim for "proficient." So, Keenan and Tyra will be the girls' "back-up posse," lip-syncing along with them, except not actually along with them but in a separate shot that requires an awkward cut. Lisa is of course excited about this, because adding hot mess to anything she does just makes it hot mess squared.
Shannon does her video shoot , in a set filled with gauzy white sheets. You can't see the holes in them, through which she and her husband attempt their spiritual duty of procreation. Her song is bland, like you knew it would be, though Tom did a particularly fine job in making it not unbearable. At about this point, I suddenly got really depressed about the fact that there are machines that will sing for you if you suck, and then you can go collect your zillion dollars and MTV Video Music Award. This episode really has done impressive work in contributing to my existential crisis and general feeling that the entire world is just doomed, doomed, doomed. That would be the name of my song, "Doomed, Doomed, Doomed," and its sole lyric would be the Pot Ledom one, starting as a whisper and then working its way to a scream. The last full minute of the song would just be me hoarsely screaming, "POT LEDOM!" with overdubbed samples of Andre Leon Talley saying he'd put it in his salon. That's how this episode makes me feel. And to think I was so genuinely looking forward to it! While I'm stuck in doomsday, we might as well watch this. And yes, this iteration of "Shake Ya (Body Body)" is trying to get you to vote for Sarah Palin.
Lisa is , and tells Jay and Game that she's going to go hard and, I think, "Go hams." Does she ever go less than hams? Like, Canadian bacon, even? Lisa does the same thing she always does, including a giant leg kick. You have to give it to her that she's flexible. She actually does sing in the chorus. "Sing." Lisa's goal is to be 800 times better than everyone, and she at least impresses Dominique. She does seem to have a decent sense of the half-rhyme. Game is impressed. Then there's Laura and her track, "Southern Sweet Girl." She bounces and flounces around on a bed covered in raspberry-colored sheets, wearing some sort of matching shortie romper. The whole thing is very Ark Music Factory meets Playboy Channel, which is Laura in a nutshell. The song with its machine-singing is actually kind of catchy, so much so that Alexandria treats us to the world's greatest rendition of anything ever sung in an interview segment. It lasts for about three seconds, and I have watched it literally about 1,000 times. This is the clip that will convince you that, despite her ambitions, Alexandria does not have a career ahead of her as a recording star. As a comedian of the unintentional, though, her future is bright. That's why she's wearing the shades.
Angelea is , with her song "I'm Here." As she steps on set, Jay tells her that she can't overdo this. Does that mean that she shouldn't overdo it, or that she should? It's a bit confusing as a directive. Her song is about how she's been kicked down time again but she's standing here, ready to win. She ain't going nowhere! However, her crush Game finds her performance to be a bit lackluster. She has one more take, and he tells her to sell it. I guess she doesn't, because Game tells Jay that he might need some camera tricks to make it work. Oh, I'm sure when they cut to Tyra and Keenan it will all come together just perfectly. Jay tells us that Angelea's song resonated with him, but she really failed by not selling it with her face. When dead eyes strike! Speaking of eyes, Game has a little one-on-one with Allison, and asks what inspired her lyrics. She tells him about her dad passing away, and Game says that his grandmother passed after he graduated from high school. She was the only person who believed that he could be anything other than a bum. Game and Allison are totally connecting! It's kind of the greatest. Also, you may not be convinced quite yet, but he is in love with her like you don't even know. Trust. Game tells Allison that he wanted to give her a little inspiration, and let her know that he's rocking with her. Allison thinks it's sweet that Game attempted to make her feel comfortable.
We cut to Allison's video shoot, which has her on a swing amidst a backdrop full of vegetation. Her brand really has become "woodland creature." Jay wants Allison to look extra ghostly, and Game notes that her face is like a work of art. The song is pretty great, and Game loves everything that Allison does, which mostly involves swinging around and opening her eyes really wide and occasionally touching her hair. But that's all that Allison needs to do! It really is pretty crazy. Game teaches Allison a complicated handshake, and Allison feels proud and relieved. Angelea, however, feels like she's about to have a heart attack. She tells us that she worked her ass off in her video, and if her energy was low it was because she was tired. As she hopes all the work she put in shows in the video, we cut to commercials.
When we return, it's time for panel. There are prizes, there are judges. Game is the guest judge, and ALT is wearing his Music Man hat again, perhaps in tribute to the concept of music that has been so wronged throughout the episode. Dominique is up first for critique, and her song, "Tooch Ya Booty," is really just a big advertisement for Cover Girl products. She actually mentions her LashBlast eyes! She writhes around a bunch and looks pretty good, and then things cut to fucking Tyra Banks tooching her booty against Keenan. And so went the day that Keenan became a man. The song sounds fine but isn't really one of the melodic standouts. Tyra says that Dominique looks like a star, and can actually sing, but needs to exaggerate the words with her mouth more while still remaining pretty.
Laura is up , with her mega-hit "Southern Sweet Girl." There is so much writhing on the bed, and the Ark Music Factory rapper guy does double-duty on this one so we aren't subjected to Laura's singing for all that long. The hook is actually really catchy though. Nigel deems the whole thing lovable and adorable, which is consistent with Laura's brand. And then we cut to ALT, who is SO FUCKING OVER THIS SHIT. Tyra totally tricked him into being on this show with the high-fashion season, and now he has to fucking watch Laura Kirkpatrick write in her diary with a pink pen. He monotones that Laura's video is giddy, fun and charming, but the subtext says, "Anna Wintour will never have me over for dust sandwiches again! I'm ruined."
Then there's Angelea, whose video for "I'm Here" proclaims that at the end of the day, she doesn't care what a hater has to say. Well, the panel's remarks should just roll off of her like unicorn tears, then. I really like the song, but ALT says that the video fell a little flat, and that he would have liked to see her get away from the fence a little. It's true that she clung to that thing like it was her archnemesis's weave. Game agrees with ALT's assessment. Then Tyra graces us with one of her profound bon mots: "Now people are hearing music with their eyes." So be prepared the time you watch your iPod on mute. Put the headphones right in your corneas. Tyra tells Angelea that she was blank during what is really an angry song. Angelea says that she's disappointed but not defeated, and that she knows she can do better.
is Alexandria. Her lyrics are: "Move and grow, ya take it slow / Never control, you keep your soul / Striving for top, you can't make me stop / I make my own clock / Now watch me go, go, go / Go, go, go / I need some time, but my mind says / Go, go, go / See me tip, tip toe / Round this insane flow / I know I go, go, go." But wait! The true piece de resistance is the bridge: "Pot Ledom, you roll / Top Model, you know / It's backwards fo' sho' / You silly broke hos." Okay, she should win the entire thing just for dropping "you silly broke hos" in there. I change my stance on everything, Alexandria is a genius. The judges, however, do not recognize said genius. Game tells her that even though she looked great, he never felt like he wanted to go, go, go anywhere, except maybe into a soundproof room. Tyra adds that Alexandria had a great chorus in particular, but her lackluster performance wasn't up to her amazing song. Nigel thinks she looks like a low-rent model employed to do a music video for the German recluse who actually wrote this song. In fact, I think that is exactly the case, you silly broke ho.
Shannon is , with her song detailing her fairy tale romance with the Lord. The funniest part of Shannon's song is that there's a moment in the chorus when not even Tom Polce could get her rhythm to lock in with the song. It also lays forth an impressive list of clichés: "Never thought that I could feel a love like this / This fairy tale romance has made my life pure bliss / You make my world go round / You turn my life upside down / And when I look at you / I'm reminded that some dreams do come true / You make my world go round / My love goes out of bounds / And when I think of you / I'm reminded that some dreams do come true." I would retitle that song, "World Go Round (A Bird in the Hand)." Nigel tells Shannon that he didn't see the glint in her eye, and Tyra basically tells her that she is a dead-eyed zombie. I think maybe Game likes it, though? It's hard to tell.
Lisa is , and she really does look pretty. Her video is full of that thing she does. ALT monotones that he loves it, and that Lisa gave him the energy of Missy Elliot. Game lies that he wishes he had the song on his iPod. If he loves it so much, why didn't he get a copy of it while he was directing the video? Busted, Game. Cold busted. Tyra agrees that the song could be on the radio, and tells Lisa that she has something very special. Game tells her to get out of there and go open for Lady Gaga or something. Lisa accepts her critique with faux-modesty, or maybe she really is flummoxed that someone is so complimentary of her work.
And finally, there's Allison. Upon seeing her video for "Underwater," the judges literally be like whoa. Tyra and Nigel both actually say, "Whoa." Nigel calls the song and video extraordinary, and says that he'd actually buy it. Game clutches Nigel's shoulder to steady himself, then says to Allison, "You are weird. And it is the greatest thing in the world for you. You are the most weirdly beautiful person that I've ever seen in my life, and your eyes...they're weird too, but they're great." You guys, I think Game just asked Allison to go steady! Tyra says that the video was mesmerizing and soothing, and has emotionally penetrated her. I think Tyra is aflutter within because she has finally come across something that she can't ruin. It must be strange but liberating.
The judges deliberate. ALT says that Dominique can give J. Lo, Beyonce, or some kind of a highbrow European video star. Tyra adds that she also has a Latin American vibe, a la Shakira. Nigel says that Laura is the kind of celebrity who people love, and who can turn into a pop icon. Game adds that Laura is sufficiently girly, doing the things that girls do, because of how we all adorably writhe around in bed with our diaries every night. I'm doing it now! Angelea didn't have the best performance, but ALT admires that she's studying and analyzing her progress. Tyra loves the anger and fight in her song, but wishes Angelea could have displayed more of it in the video. Game agrees that he wanted to see how Angelea had been kicked down through her performance, but it never came. Game repeats his "oil in the tin man" joke for Alexandria, and Nigel agrees that she's stiff and robotic.
Shannon's vacant eyes are a problem, even if her vacant head got a pass this time. ALT thinks that Lisa is amazing, but the most specific compliment he can really give her is, "This is a video." Game says that Lisa has pretty decent flow, and Tyra illustrates that the song is so catchy that it gives you nightmares. Everyone then takes a few minutes to talk about how Game and Allison are sitting in a tree. Game doesn't shy away from his new lovebird status, saying that Allison is special and that he's attracted to her (the latter is in response to a nosy Tyra question). He even wants to keep Allison's picture! Nigel says that Allison isn't relatable to everybody, but in her video she's more relatable to more people than he's ever seen. Tyra was touched by Allison's video, and not in a bad-touch way. With that, the judges have reached a decision.
Seven young ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has six screen grabs in her hands. The first one, which represents the girl with the best music video, goes to Allison. Yay! D'Amato is PISSED. She's called , though, followed by Dominique, Laura, and Shannon. This leaves Alexandria and Angelea in the bottom two. In Alexandria's music video, she was just a model. And for the all-star season, that's not enough. Then there's Angelea. This is her third time in the bottom two. The judges found her video to be uncomfortable to watch, because of how uncomfortable Angelea is with herself. Or so they claim. In any case, Angelea gets a photo and Alexandria is out! Despite my newfound appreciation for her genius, I think that's the right decision. Alexandria promises to get back up and go, go, go, and for some reason shakes her hair around a lot. She tells us that she's still proud of herself, and that being on the all-star season has allowed her to experience a lot of things, including weekly abject humiliation. Ultimately, she says that it was a good experience and she learned a lot. At least she'll have her singing career to fall back on!
week, the girls head to Greece where they wreck the economy! Meanwhile, Shannon is faced with the potentially life-altering decision of whether to pose in underwear. WWJD?
Potes is proud to be a silly broke ho. She can be tweeted @traciepotes, or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.