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This episode, despite a plethora of guest stars, clearly belonged to one Miss Bianca Golden, hero to all mankind. We began with phone drama. Shannon devised a system by which the girls drew numbers from a hat to determine their order for phone calls, and decreed that each call would not exceed 20 minutes. Bianca, who was scheduled to be last and also can do math, pointed out in a perfectly calm manner that ten girls can't each make a 20-minute phone call in an hour and a half. And then Shannon totally started crying! Bianca dubbed her the Crying Christian, and basically was like, "Am I not already villain enough for you?" And then Lisa, Sheriff of Top Model Town, saw fit to butt in, which actually made Bianca mad. And when Bianca's mad, she throws off lines like, "You need to mind your business all the time." It's a win-win, really.
The girls headed to Santa Monica pier, where Miss J. awaited them in fishing garb. For their challenge, they had to model clothes from the Kardashian Kollection while walking on a runway that involved a carousel. Despite the gratuitous yet promising flashback to the swinging pendulum runway of yore, none of these bitches actually fell off of the merry-go-round. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we were royally cheated with that one. The Kardashians were there to judge and show off their voluminous leopard print. Bre and Lisa were named dual winners, and each won a head-to-toe look from the Kardashian Kollection. With a retail value of approximately $49.95, that's quite a prize.
After the challenge, Miss J. pulled Bianca aside and asked why she was so mad. She confessed her troubles, noting that she's been taking shit from both the Crying Christian and the diaper pisser for being too aggressive. In ironic response, this made her want to punch somebody. Bianca then talked about how she deserves to win more than the others, because she works so hard and is so tall and whatever. Though she hasn't said it aloud yet, I think it's implied that Bianca is not here to make friends. Shannon and Lisa started complaining about Bianca again, and Bianca had to repeat her instruction for Lisa to mind her own business. Back at the house, Bre eavesdropped on the others talking about how they want Bianca to leave if she can't handle the competition. She ran to Bianca (who was on the phone with her boyfriend, actually talking about how she wanted to leave the show) and told her that a bunch of bitches were in the kitchen forming a coalition against her. Happily, this made Bianca mad all over again and determined to fight.
The photo shoot had the girls portraying Michael Jackson throughout different points in his career. They were styled by MJ's personal stylist, Rushka, and LaToya was on hand to advise! Several of the girls were in blackface. I'm just saying. Bianca was great on set but had a suspiciously dull picture at panel. Lisa's photo was particularly hated by ALT, who could just sense that she banged her vadge at the conclusion of her leaping split. As guest judge, LaToya chose the entire order of photos from best to worst. She gave Laura the top photo prize, somewhat inexplicably, and Lisa and Angelea landed in the bottom two. But lest you underestimate LaToya, she is great and benevolent in all ways! No one went home! This would be exciting news if we hadn't just lost our best chance so far to get rid of Lisa.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We enter with the girls, and particularly Angelea, whooping it up in their post-elimination limo. Angelea, if you'll recall, had the week's best photo with her fur vest-wearing Buffalo socialite. Bre, however, being 26 and pensive, is much more somber. She says that they're getting rid of everybody who lingers in the bottom, and she's usually called second to last. It's making her nervous, which will probably make her even less fun. Having worked as a model for the last six years, Bre thought that she would have this competition in the Hermes bag. However, given that this competition has very little to do with modeling skills, that hasn't been the case. You'd think these ladies would be wiser about such things the second time around! Bre limply vows to step it up.
And then, like Maude, there's Lisa. In fact, I think Lisa's probably only a couple of years older than Maude was when she made her television debut! They also have in common their determination to be anything but tranquilizing. Lisa says that it sucks to be in the bottom two, and guesses that the other girls think she's going home soon. She reminds us that she's the crazy one, and we see her acting a fool in various contexts. One of those contexts is sitting on the bus with that pink knit bow in her hair. This is not the way to convince people that you're sober! However, she's not going to let go of this amazing opportunity to brand herself (as a lunatic!) on a higher level. She promises to make things explosive -- which is not language that should be used by anyone who has been known to soil an adult-sized diaper -- and warns us to hold on tight. With that, we head to credits.
The girls make it to their house and gaze upon Angelea's best of week photo. She says that it feels great to go from the bottom two to number one, and then proceeds to jump around and point at her picture long after everybody is gone. Bre slowly walks up to it and says that she feels like she's being bullied. Angelea says that girls SHOULD hate, because they underestimate her as being hood and not knowing her mannerisms. The genius of Angelea is that she has convinced me that she really meant to say "mannerisms." I guess in context it could be right? She screams, "Winning!" Angelea tells us that when she was on TV she was hot, but then after the show no major agency wanted to sign her. That's because Ford doesn't have a "character" division. At the end of the day, Angelea wants to love what she does, but also get paid. In that case, I suggest that she take her mannerisms back to the Buffalo Credit Union. But nay, Angelea feels like she's in the game now, and tells us that she's focused.
Elsewhere in the house, Kayla tells Bianca that she liked Angelea's photo, but didn't think it was the best. In response, Bianca sits in her bed and pouts. She tells us that the competition is really setting in, and it's causing her to get kind of surly. Er, candid. She tells Kayla that it's not a realistic situation to be around people you don't like, or people you do like who go home. As a human being who has lived in the world for 36 years, I find it plenty realistic to be around people you don't like at most times. Bianca confessionalizes that she didn't like her last picture, and didn't like how close to the bottom she was. She adds that it's easy to get defeated when you feel like you're not living up to your potential, and adds that: 1) she wants to be called first every time; 2) she deserves to win the competition. In the world of Top Model, everyone mostly deserves what they get.
Dominique tells us that everyone sees potential in Bianca, and that it would be stupid not to size her up as fierce competition. However, Bianca thinks that she's above all this, and nobody likes to see a reality show contestant with a healthy sense of confidence and dignity! And even as a Bianca enthusiast I must say, if you're actually above it, you wouldn't be here. Just acknowledge that you wanted to get paid, same as everyone else. At the same time, I commend her for not being generally quite as sad as some of the others. Speaking of, how amazing is it that no one has even mentioned Camille being gone? They're probably just glad she's not around to bum them out with talk of her bills.
There is Tyra Mail! "Remember, what goes around comes around! Fierce and love, Tyra." The morning, everyone gets ready and Shannon tells us how exciting it is to be an all-star. As she's been modeling since season one, she feels legit in her claim to all-star-dom. Shannon then adds that her faith shapes and molds her, and also gives her a very tenuous grasp on the concept of "underwear." The good girl usually doesn't win, but Shannon's hoping that this time the powers that be will make an exception.
Shannon then announces to the others that their phone has been turned on. She's figured out that everyone can get almost 20 minutes, and Lisa tells us that Shannon is taking the initiative to work out a fair system for everyone to communicate with the outside world. It basically involves picking numbers out of a hat. Ingenious! Bianca, Lisa tells us, is number 10. This means that she'll be the last to use the phone. Cut to Bianca, interviewing that Shannon thought up a brilliant system for allotting phone usage, but failed to calculate the time management correctly. We see Bianca approaching Shannon, who says that they have another hour and a half to go. Who knows where they are in the actual phone time allotment, but Bianca calmly says that she doesn't think it's going to add up to 20 minutes apiece. And honestly, if I had to choose one of the four girls (Bianca, Shannon, Lisa and Laura) sitting in this room to have at least a grasp of the basic concept of multiplication, it would most certainly be Bianca. Shannon has previously shown her mathematical failings through her inability to correctly calculate the total area of various pieces of underthings.
So, as I mentioned earlier, Bianca seems fairly calm throughout this whole exchange. But then suddenly we cut to Shannon, voice shaking and eyes filled with tears, who says that she tried her best and really doesn't like arguing and Bianca can take her phone time. And not to get all word-problem on you, but Shannon earlier announced that she was number six for phone time, and clearly hasn't gone yet. This means that at least five girls have yet to go on the phone. If five girls each get 20 minutes on the phone, that's 100 minutes. With an hour and a half -- or 90 minutes -- yet to go, this does indeed mean that the last person on the phone gets her time cut short. Math! But anyway, Shannon is still all tearful and says that she doesn't need her time, and Bianca can have it because she doesn't like getting yelled at. Who's yelling? I mean, Bianca hasn't ever gotten an excessively complimentary edit, so if she had actually yelled I'm guessing we would have seen it. Kayla tells us that Shannon is intimidated by Bianca to begin with, and so had a total meltdown. Indeed, we see Shannon going on about how she has a sensitive spirit and getting all red in the cheeks and raspy-throated from emotion.
Bianca explains to us that Shannon "The Crying Christian" Stewart was going off, and Bianca just stood there like, "I didn't do it." She adds that she didn't do anything to Shannon, didn't touch her, and didn't yell at her. And yet, Shannon continues to cry and say that she's willing to give up her time because she doesn't like to argue and doesn't like confrontation. Bianca is just standing there like, "Can you believe this bitch?" She wants to tell Shannon that she can't cry when she's talking to her, because of how Bianca is already the villain. This provides us flashback opportunity, and we see a sepia-toned reminder of Bianca being mean to that other girl who was an exotic dancer. I mean, point taken, she can be kind of a jerk. But that doesn't seem to be what's happening in this case!
Bianca explains to us that before she could even ask anything, Lisa "Sheriff of Top Model Towne" D'Amato jumped in. (I myself am running for the Tooch County school board.) We see Lisa telling Bianca that just because she really wants to talk to her family, that doesn't make her more important. Bianca then gets very brand-approved candid, and the two ladies talk over each other for a while, and then Bianca tells Lisa that she needs to mind her business ALL THE TIME. Lisa's interview response is a simple, "Bang! Boom! Pow!" We cut back to the scene of all the drama, where Laura and Allison look nervous and exit the room. Allison's reactions in the face of unpleasant situations are truly the best. Lisa tells us that Bianca tends to be a bully, and yet she's afraid of everything. Lisa says, "She's scared of water, I'm the deep end. She's scared of dogs, I'm a pit bull. So she better watch her back." After some more screaming, Bianca walks out saying that she has no time for Lisa. Bang! Boom! Pow! Bianca says to Bre that Celebrity Rehab 4, 5 and 6 is calling Lisa's name, so apparently they've resolved their grievances and Bianca is now acting as Lisa's manager. Commercials!
When we return, the girls ride in their limo and Bre says that it was nice to get out of the house, have a little fun, and clear the air. They land at Santa Monica Pier, which is full of rides and, according to Laura, yummy food. Then they notice a tall fisher-dude. It's Miss J.! He's wearing giant fishing boots and, I think, no pants. Bre explains that Miss J. is missing panties, a jacket, and a lot of things. He tells the ladies that fishing is, of course, one of his favorite pastimes. I don't know if that's actually true, but I can hope. But in addition to being a good fishing spot, Santa Monica Pier is also the perfect setting for an all-star fashion show. They're going to partake in a carousel runway show, which J. rationalizes was done in Paris for Chanel. In fairness to Chanel, the pictures of that one make it look much nicer. The current carousel fashion show will have the ladies stepping on and off of a moving merry-go-round, with horses and shit. Angelea harkens back to Cycle 14 and the ingenious swinging pendulum runway show. Ah, those were the days! That poor girl who got bumped into the crowd gets her own gratuitous flashback. Even though she's not an all-star she has the honor of being part of one of the greatest Top Model moments ever. Congrats, pendulum victim whose name I don't remember! Maybe she should brand herself as the one who always gets clocked in the head.
J. tells the girls to make sure they look extra chic, since they'll be modeling for the Kardashian Kollection for Sears. Just when you thought it couldn't get worse than Express! Laura, however, assures us that the Kardashians are the biggest, hottest thangs, so it's amazing to get to wear their clothes. And we all know how Laura is an arbiter of taste! Backstage, the girls get their hair and makeup done and Lisa continues her non-stop whackadoo routine. Bianca can't stop being annoyed by her. Bre tries to talk her down, and in an interview shows her support for her "sister" despite the haters in the house. She adds that the most important thing is to deliver, and she knows that Bianca can deliver. Elsewhere in the room, the haters talk about how Bre is 100% Bianca's support system. Lisa tells us that Bre is much more fun when Bianca's not around, and should be focusing on herself rather than being Bianca's tantrum-diffusing surrogate parent.
A little crowd starts to gather for the carousel runway show, and Dominique tells us that nobody should be fighting during this significant and honor-filled Kardashian challenge. Miss J. enters the hair and makeup tent and introduces his friends, Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. They are, I assume, wearing their own ugly-ass Kollection. There is much leopard print involved. Kourtney has on a leopard-print blazer, under which is a blouse with an enormous bow around the neck, like Jane Fonda in 9 to 5. Listening to these ladies speak for approximately 15 seconds, I do not know how anyone can bear to watch their show with the sound on. Khloe notes that the winner of the challenge will get to take a head-to-toe look from their collection home. Everyone gets so excited about this, which I guess makes sense as it's getting quite hard to even find a Sears.
We flash to the runway audience, where Bruce and Kris Jenner sit. Is Bruce Jenner actually ill, or does he look like that deliberately? I am serious in asking that question. The girls ready themselves for the challenge, and Shannon says that she's not going to let the tension with Bianca wreck her focus. Bianca also intends to keep it together, but wonders if she's fighting a losing battle. After a break, the challenge begins. Lisa is up first, which makes sense as she's already captive on the carousel of time. She's wearing a pair of sequined pants that are extra-roomy in the crotch and can comfortably contain a soiled diaper. She wastes no time in sticking a leg up in the air, and doesn't trip and fall at all as she exits the merry-go-round. BOO. Spoiler: this challenge is a HUGE disappointment in that regard. You can't show a lady getting clocked by a giant swinging pendulum in seasons past and then not have someone at least break a nose. Butter up the runway! Do what you have to do! Lisa looks approximately 1,000 years old in her Kardiashian Kollection ensemble, but Khloe is impressed by her uber-confidence.
Allison is up , and stumbles just a little as she exits the carousel. I have to cop to kind of liking the thing that she's wearing. It looks like a dress made out of t-shirt material with one long sequined sleeve. I am allowed to have lapses in judgment too, you know! Angelea is , and is so busy whooping and shaking her booty that she forgets to exit the carousel at her appointed time. Eventually, though, she manages to get off and be sassy to the audience for a few minutes. Angelea's assessment is, "I think I did really good. I mean, I wasn't a total mess!" Miss J.'s assessment is, "She reminds me of somebody's alcoholic aunt." She and Lisa should really get on that Golden Girls remake.
Kayla is and almost slips, but no dice. Bre tells us that her strategy today is to be spontaneous, which involves looking like she's just emerged from sexytimes with the carousel horse. She does a spin getting off of the carousel to make it funky, then stomps it out on the catwalk. Dominique comes the closest yet to falling, but much to my chagrin she manages to save her face from hitting the pavement. Laura walks, and J. lies to Khloe that the clothes are really cute. Then it's Bianca's turn. She says that she's very serious about doing well in the competition, and will take it personally if another girl takes the prize home instead of her. Sadly, her carousel entrance and exiting are stiff and sad. Lisa tells us that Bianca was carrying all of her frustrations and anger, and looked like a mean dog. Even the Kardashians agree that there's no energy. Shannon is nervous about being after Bianca on the runway, but invokes the Golden Rule. Sadly, it's not the Golden Rule that involves runway fisticuffs. Alexandria is , looking as always like Kim Zimmer at her current age and spouting metaphors about sea life. Can you believe she's still on this show?
With the challenge over, Kourtney, Kim and Khloe address the contestants and announce the winner. They honestly look worse than I've ever seen three people standing together look. It's so bad that my grammatical abilities are slipping, as evidenced by the sentence. If THEY can't look good in this shit, what hope is there for the rest of us? The Kardashians state that, because they are a collective, they couldn't settle on just one winner. There are two folks who excelled, and they are Bre and Lisa. Kim says that they did the Kardashian Kollection justice, which I suppose means they were puzzling and horrible.
Backstage, J. asks Bianca who she's mad at. She says, "Everybody," in full earshot of, well, everybody. J. says that he could tell, because she looked like she couldn't give a shit. That's not the girl that he wants to book. Bianca tells us that Miss J.'s line of questioning shook up her soda bottle, in a metaphorical sense. She tells him that she's taking shit from the Christian, and from the nutjob. Bianca is ready to punch somebody. To paraphrase from Steel Magnolias, hit Alexandria! Sorry, I know she hasn't done anything of interest for weeks, but it's like a reflex to pick on her. Bianca then says quite loudly that she deserves this, and none of the other girls work as hard as she does. No one seems to appreciate that very much. Bianca says that she walks away from everything, and J. tells her that when she walks away from it, she doesn't deliver. Bianca looks sad, and tells us that a part of her wants to go home, and she's wondering if she has to go through all of this hurt and pain just to get closer to her dream. I don't think the hurt and pain of a lady trembling with fear when you ask her a simple math question would be all that bad. I'd kind of love that, actually. I'd just be walking around asking people to multiply fractions and shit all the time. Buck up, Golden! You practically have a superpower!
Meanwhile, Shannon approaches some of the other girls and asks what she's done to make Bianca complain that she's taken shit from a Christian. Lisa says that she didn't do anything, and that she's scaring Bianca. Bianca hears this and flips, and once again tells Lisa to mind her business. Bre stands right in front of Bianca with her arms out like she's secret service, and says that everybody's good. Everybody is SO not good! Lisa tells us that if Bianca doesn't want to be there and can't handle the stress, then she should in fact go home. Bre yells, "Did everybody enjoy the show?" and Angelea pops up to say that she did, in fact, enjoy the show. She set her Tivo for a season pass of that show, she liked it so much.
Back at the house, Bianca talks to her boyfriend and says that she doesn't think she can take it anymore. She explains to us that she's not a person who breaks easily, but she was very hurt and confused and felt broken. This whole thing didn't feel quite so tedious when I watched the first time around, but dissecting it minute by minute makes me want to turn into a crying Christian myself. Will LaToya get here, already? Down in the kitchen, several of the girls talk about how great it would be if Bianca would leave. They do this under the guise of, "If you can't handle it, save everyone the trouble." Bre lurks outside and eavesdrops, using her giant hoop earrings as sound conductors. She tells us that Bianca may be candid, but she won't stand for people who try to make it seem like they're good, Christian people or survivors or otherwise stand-up types, but who really want to get Bianca out so they have less competition. Bre sprints up the stairs to the telephone room, and tells Bianca that the others are all forming a coalition against her. When she puts it that way, things sound much more dramatic than a bunch of girls just talking shit in the kitchen! Bre asks Bianca if she's ready to play, and Bianca tells us that her fire is fueled. She's not going to sit down and take a beating, or let anyone actually call her out on her shit! She's going to fight. MORE. With this, we head to commercials.
When we return, there is Tyra Mail. "You'll get noticed when you're off the wall. Fierce and Love, Tyra." Kayla wonders if they're going to jump off a cliff, and Lisa (who has Laura on her back) seems excited about this possibility. Because she's so wild and wacky! Bianca does not, because she is, at least temporarily, the opposite of those things. The girls head to their shoot, which is taking place once again at Siren Studios. Jay Manuel is standing to Michael Jackson's jacket, and tells them that today they'll be portraying MJ himself, through the years. Except not the maybe-molesty ones, probably. Like, Lisa's not going to be splayed out on a bed with a 10-year old boy drinking Jesus Juice or anything. They'll be styled by MJ's personal stylist, Rushka. She comes out wearing a crazy stiff bedazzled jacket with giant shoulderpads, just to make it clear that she is indeed the lady who made him look so crazy all the time. The photographer for the day is Tim Peterson, who did a Michael Jackson inspired pictorial for the Italian version of Vanity Fair.
We get a look at the wardrobe backstage, and Laura learns that her outfit actually was worn by Michael himself. She promises not to drool on it or anything. Allison gets fitted for an afro wig (!!!!!!) by hairstylist Christian Marc. With her buttoned up dress shirt, she kind of looks like Pat in an extremely disturbing way. Jay tells the girls that he knows they might need a little extra help embodying the King of Pop on camera, and so has brought in special guest LaToya Jackson! She'll be on hand to advise everyone as they pose. Angelea is particularly happy, since she enjoys the whole Jackson family -- even Rebbie!
Bianca is up first to shoot, dressed in vintage "Thriller" attire. Judging by the look on her face, something evil is still lurking in the dark. And yet, she still manages to look absolutely stunning, even with the jeri curls. Jay tells Bianca that because this is such an iconic look, she has a tricky job, and LaToya encourages her to put her own elements into it. She wants Bianca to shine through, through Michael. Bianca smiles really big, like, "Thanks, crazy lady!" This shoot is making Bianca thoughtful, because of all the parallels she sees between the two of them. Bitches tried to take Michael Jackson down, too, probably because of how candid he was. Bianca rocks her sequined socks, and it seems like things are going quite well. LaToya says that the hardest challenge for the girls is trying to implement what they feel that Michael was really like. I think that would take a layer of tragedy far beyond what even Lisa D'Amato is prepared to contribute. Michael Jackson was one fucked-up dude. Sure, his death was tragic, but not nearly as tragic as his entire life. Jay tells Bianca that her pictures are great. Remember this for later!
Bre is up , feeling like Jackson royalty in her blue sequined jacket. She's also '80s Michael, though I believe from a slightly later time period than Bianca. Rushka thinks that Bre looks peaceful and elegant, and Jay says that she brought movements that tell a story. His only problem with her is that she was holding her breath, which implies a certain stiffness. Overall, though, it seems like she got a good shot. Alexandria is , as late '90s era Michael. She's looking slightly darker than usual, though since this was the timeframe in which Michael was practically white, it's not so heavy-handed. I think she looks a wee bit insane, but the photographer seems relatively complimentary. We don't get an assessment from Jay.
up is Angelea, who's gunning to defy everyone's expectations and get best picture for the second week in a row. She's late '80s era Michael, but mostly looks like she's channeling the Fonz. Jay asks her to thrust like Michael, then asks what she's doing to process and get through the shot -- if she's just pretending to be Michael, or more. Angelea says that she loves Michael and is trying to channel him. Jay tells her to go with that, but her shoot does not appear to improve. Jay says that Angelea wanted to get on set and truly sing, but she opened her mouth so wide that it looked like Neanderthal mouth. His Neanderthal mouth impression is really disturbing. Dominique is up , and has one of the best wardrobe choices with "Smooth Criminal" Michael. She spins, and everyone seems delighted.
Kayla is , as early '80s Michael. Her sequined blazer looks like it could have come from the Kardashian Kollection. Kayla has also been painted a nice orangey-brown color, and her chest-protruding, shirt-ripping pose impresses everyone. Rushka exclaims that they've got the picture. Shannon is , and LaToya swaps out her wardrobe belt for an authentic, extra-bedazzled Michael Jackson one. She's, like, the country's foremost collector of Michael Jackson memorabilia at this point, isn't she? Shannon is honored, even though she looks insane and is totally in blackface. She's portraying the era where Michael Jackson wore Band-Aids all over his fingers, and everyone seems to love what she's doing.
Laura is , and tells LaToya that she wants the child of Michael to shine through. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but Laura and LaToya share the secret language of kindly yet fundamentally addled people. On set, Laura has a surprise, which is that she kneels on her knees, then lifts up, then falls back on her knees again with a thud. LaToya is concerned about Laura's joint health, and tells her to stop it. Jay commends her for getting through the whole shoot and not breaking character. Allison is , as '60s era Michael. Needless to say, she's the most blackface of all. Her eyes look extra big, staring out of her blackened face from underneath a poufy Afro. She looks like the Jackson 5 cartoon come to life. I can't believe that's actually a real human.
And then there's Lisa, dressed in early '80s Michael Jackson garb, dancing like a fool. She does the running man and grabs her crotch, and oddly enough LaToya and Jay seem to like it. Bianca begrudgingly admits that Lisa does bring an energy on set, which people love whether her photos are good or not. However, Bianca doesn't think that Lisa is the best model, and adds that she photographs old. Now, that's untrue. She looks old in real life, too! Bianca emphatically states that she is not intimidated by Lisa D'Amato. We then see Lisa do a series of jumping splits that would have rendered her sterile had she not already been through menopause twice. Jay's vagina has sympathy pains. Lisa tells us that LaToya was impressed, and predicts that she'll get more favorable feedback from panel this week. And that's a wrap! LaToya wishes everyone the best, and then slinks back to the tree trunk that she shares with her fellow woodland creature roommate.
But wait! The drama is not over! Lisa high fives several of the girls while still in her Michael Jackson costume, but when she gets to Bianca, Bianca won't even look at her. Angelea laughs, and Shannon says, "Rejected!" Now, Shannon was just telling a joke to make herself laugh. But Bianca doesn't take it so well. She can't believe that The Crying Christian is giving her shit, and tells Bre that Shannon's soul is ugly. Shannon's feelings are hurt, and she tearfully interviews that Christians are people too and make mistakes, and that everyone always holds you to higher moral standards just because you refuse to wear granny bloomers in public. Shannon decides to talk to Bianca's security, Bre, to try to sort the whole thing out. She asks why Bianca hates her so much, when she's already apologized. Bre calls herself everybody's mother. I don't know what that means. Bianca says that, going into panel, it's important for her to prove the other girls wrong. She's a bold personality, and a signed model, and is there to show the judges that she deserves it. As she adds, "And the crying Christian can go home," we head to commercials.
When we return, it's panel time! There are prizes, there are judges. ALT has done away with his barbershop quartet getup, and LaToya is the guest judge. Her jacket is made of sparkles and rainbows and unicorn eyelashes, it will not surprise you to learn. Shannon is up first for critique, looking like a Robert Palmer girl. Nigel is blown away by her photo, and says that it's genius. Tyra tells Shannon that her planes are genius, but she needs to connect with her face as well as her body. Kayla is , and Nigel can tell that she was inspired by Michael Jackson. LaToya says that she looks like she's onstage, singing a song. ALT adds that the energy in her hands and her neck gives the photo passion. Dominique is , and her "Smooth Criminal" shot is pretty cool. ALT says that it's stylish, and very Fred Astaire. Tyra thinks that it's fun, but still maintains a model-esque quality.
Angelea is , and Nigel says that her photo is intense, cool and different, but doesn't give him Michael Jackson. LaToya thinks that Angelea has an incredible body, but didn't use it in her photograph. ALT complains that there is no energy in Angelea's toes, though Tyra compliments her for the intensity in her face. At the same time, however, she thinks that Angelea can do a lot better. Allison is , and the judges love her blackface shot. LaToya says that she captured the essence of that era. She sees the Jackson 5, and also Donnie Osmond. It is indeed a very toothy sort of photo. Tyra says that the photo is very Italian Vogue. Now, granted, I don't read Italian Vogue all that much. But really? A model in blackface looking like a character out of Fat Albert? That's Franca Sozzani's vision? She's funkier than I thought, I guess.
Bre is , and Nigel says that he doesn't see Bre, he sees Michael Jackson himself. It makes him feel nervous. I can't tell if that's a good thing or not. LaToya points out that Bre kept holding her breath, and tells her to let it out for power and force. Tyra is impressed by Bre's ability to stand on point when she's not a ballerina. In loafers, no less! She keeps her face calm at the same time. Tyra says that it's like opposites, but that's what makes it so amazing. Alexandria is , looking like weird Michael Jackson kabuki. Nigel is a fan, for some reason, and says that he sees Alexandria in the picture. Tyra enjoys the fact that it's quirky and has a sense of humor.
Lisa then approaches panel wearing her Rosie the Riveter with cat-eye glasses ensemble. ALT chokes out that it's not working. The outfit is so bad, he says, that it's painful. If there were a fainting couch in the vicinity, he would be on it right now. Nigel agrees that it's wretched, but at the same time he loves it. Tyra likes it too. Less cute is Lisa's photo, which involves her now signature split. Nigel says that Michael Jackson was such a perfectionist, that if he were going to do a split on film it would actually be a good one. ALT hates the photo, and hates Lisa too. Tyra asks if it's not notable that Lisa has a signature leap. ALT says that the signature leap may work in other challenges, but not in the Michael Jackson shoot. He is basically all set with her shenanigans.
Laura is up . Her photo is very weird, but LaToya loves it and loves her. Nigel says that her face is loving, caring and memorable. He's also impressed by her ability to have a boyish look. ALT adds that there's a nobility, grace and dignity about the photo, and Tyra adds that Laura looks like she has wind on her body and it's swaying backward. is Bianca. LaToya says that she's missing the strong, powerful lines that she wishes Bianca could have captured. The photo is good, but timid at the same time. Nigel says that it's the wrong kind of naiveté, as if she's wondering whether she's doing it wrong or right. Instead, she should just be doing it. Bianca says that she's taken aback by the photo, likely because she seemed to do such a great job at the actual shoot. I mean, this happens all the time on this show, but still. Miss J. apparently called Tyra and told her that Bianca said she doesn't know why she's there. Bianca explains that she's had a rough week, and that the other girls finally realized that there's a six-foot, 120 pound personality walking around who is competition to them. And thus, everyone is always picking on her. But Bianca assures panel that though she might bend, she won't break. She's like a tree in the wind or whatever. A bendy tree. Tyra tells Bianca to hold on to her model, and also her energy. As Bianca walks back in line, Angelea shoots her a dirty look.
Before the judges discuss who should be eliminated, Tyra says to LaToya, "We have a legacy here. We have your brother and his spirit, and we have you as part of this beautiful family." Beautiful family! That's like saying, "We have Lisa D'Amato as part of a truly dignified all-stars cast." Anyway. Nigel says that Kayla's photo is inspirational, and ALT agrees that it's Kayla's best moment. ALT loves Dominique's Fred Astaire panache, and LaToya says that her every single movement is perfect. Shannon's photo is great. Bre is trying to do the right thing, but it seems like she's fighting herself, according to Nigel. Tyra says that her star power is dimming. ALT thinks that this is one of Alexandria's best weeks, and LaToya likes her whimsical posing. Tyra adds that she's modeling H2TTTtoetoetoefootfootfoot. ALT hates Lisa and her stupid photo. So does Nigel. But LaToya knows what Lisa was trying to convey, and adds that she worked hard on the stage. Tyra defends Lisa's personal style, despite ALT's misgivings.
LaToya thinks that Laura is magic, and Nigel agrees that her photo is elegant, regal, and stunning. Tyra thinks that Laura has channeled Michael Jackson. ALT doesn't think that Bianca's photo is strong, and Nigel doesn't care for her six-foot, 120 pound attitude. LaToya says that Bianca has a lot of negative energy around her. She used that as an excuse for performing poorly, but LaToya says that that should never stop you. Tell it to Nene, Casper. Allison's shot is great, and Nigel says she hasn't lost her model. LaToya sees an innocent little boy inside of Allison. Angelea needs to coordinate her limbs and learn how to make a pow picture, says ALT, while Nigel smarms that the photo was too inspired by the album's name -- Bad. However, LaToya says that she brought the energy. With that, the judges have made their decision.
The girls return, and Tyra tells them that they have a first -- guest judge LaToya decided not only who had the best photo, but did the entire order from best to worst. This makes everybody VERY NERVOUS. And really, wouldn't you be nervous if your fate lay in the hands of LaToya Jackson? Best photo goes to Laura, somewhat inexplicably. Shannon is called , followed by Dominique, Allison, Alexandria, Kayla, Bre, and Bianca. This leaves Lisa and Angelea in the bottom two. LaToya doesn't know the Angelea that the other judges know -- the girl who can take really strong photos, but who also has been in the bottom two before. She's a veritable sine wave of inconsistency. Then there's Lisa. Tyra liked her photo, but the other judges were like, "...No." And the judges feel like Lisa has one note, and one look, and is not surprising or intriguing. So who goes home? Tyra turns it over to LaToya, who speechifies, "I have to tell you that my brother was about love, expression, about giving. What I saw in the photo shoot is that you girls all gave. You gave your love, you gave your expression." You'd think giving an expression would be pretty elemental to modeling, no? But I digress. LaToya continues, "Because of that, I'm not sending anyone home. You're all safe." Yes, believe it! Tyra has TWO photos in her hands! LaToya is like everybody's hallucinogen-created fairy godmother.
Angelea cries and tells us that words can't express how she feels. She's overwhelmed. She holds LaToya's hand for way too long, and then tells us that somebody saved her. It could have been LaToya, it could have been Michael, it could have been Jesus. The lines all throughout are so blurry, right? Though she doesn't say it, I feel confident that Bianca is quite annoyed that we missed out on our best opportunity yet to send Lisa home. I would normally be in agreement, except that we get to see their legendary feud live for another week! In the context of tackle football! Also week: Coco Rocha!
Potes also needs to mind her business all the time. You can tell her so at potesypotes@gmail.com, or by tweeting @traciepotes.