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It's makeover episode! Wait, make that TYOVER episode. I know, I know. But a mere makeover would not suffice on this season of seasons. But before we get to the hair drama, Tyra has the girls meet with brand strategist Martin Lindstrom, who is a genius with an indeterminate accent. Apparently the crack ANTM research team asked fans about the girls' images, and from this Martin is going to give them one word that will dictate their brands. To wit, Lisa is daring, Shannon is trustworthy (read: boring), Dominique is a survivor, Allison is unique, Angelea is persistent and wears cheap shoes, Bre is a girlfriend, Camille is proud, Isis is inspiration, and Laura is lovable. Alexandria is tough, which really means "tough to like." Sheena is deemed "unexpected," which she correctly intuits as "unexpected that she's not a cello-playing math genius." Martin tells Kayla that being gay is SO five years ago, and gives her the word "free." And then there's Bianca. Her word is "candid," which she takes as instant permission to start being a total hag. God, I love her.
And then the Tyovers commence. Ashlee Simpson is just sort of lurking around for no real reason, making everyone nervous. You'd think the fact that these bitches have all been through this process before would mean that they'd all handle it with aplomb, but alas! That is not the case. Lisa is going short again, and is upset because she's getting married in two months. It's not called America's Top Wedding Hair. Get over it. And then Bre, who has come off as the coolest of cucumbers, freaks out about her shaved-side shorter cut. She goes and cries in the bathroom and threatens to leave the show, because she's so full of rage. Well it's already cut now, you might as well hang out for a while. Eventually she decides to stay, though her confidence has taken a hit. On the positive side, Alexandria loves her new, shorter, shaggy 'do. Much of it covers her face, which I think is a positive.
Post-makeover, the girls head straight into a photo shoot/challenge. The girls are instructed to create their own Pink's hot dog (Pink's being a hot dog place that is famous in Hollywood), and make it consistent with their brand word. They will then take a photo of the whole situation, because what the world needs is more images of ladies with their wide open mouths wrapped around hot dogs. Laura gets freaky with the BBQ sauce, and I guess it's lovable in the way that a person loves porn. Dominique survives a big dog, while Lisa goes daring with her bunless dog. There is so much food hanging out of peoples' mouths -- it's like my nightmare.
Despite the fact that Lisa's open-mouthed chewed-up food photo is completely disgusting, the judges love it and deem it the best of the week. Bianca comes in second, because she's very successful at eating hot dogs candidly. Though Bre gets a talking to on the runway for her lack of spark, it's Kayla and Sheena who end up in the bottom two. In an unexpected move that we actually probably did expect all along, Kayla lives to see another week and Sheena is left to pack her jumpsuits and go home.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We swoop into the Top Model post-elimination limo with no "previously on," because, like zen masters, all-stars only are concerned with the present! There's no looking back, unless it is to remind us just what levels of stankitude these ladies reached five years ago when they were initially on the show, or to make us laugh by replaying footage of that guy booing Alexandria at last week's live judging. The models go over the prizes, and declare them the best ever in Top Model history. I guess that's true. With an Express campaign, mall patrons all over America will be forced to gaze upon you as they ride the escalator or shovel down cheese fries. Both Kayla and Shannon tell us that they want to win, while Angelea and Bianca say that they deserve to win. I actually feel that an overinflated sense of entitlement can probably do you good if you're gunning for mogul status.
The ladies return home to see Isis's photo displayed at digital art. Everyone seems relatively congratulatory about it, and then Isis says, "Jesus is my daddy...okay?" What does that even mean? I guess this makes everyone in the house nervous, because they laugh. They're probably like, "Oh I didn't even know He HAD kids!" The ladies reminisce about Brittany's elimination. Dominique took it as a sign that things are going to get tough, while Angelea reacts with a spirited, "Hallelujah!" and a smirky, "Oh well." She then says she's happy that Alexandria didn't go. I find that awfully curious. We flash back to the booing of Alexandria, and Alexandria tells us, "The other night at L.A. Live I learned that a lot of people...hate me." This is ALMOST enough to make me feel some sympathy for her, except that I find it so funny. She goes on to say that a lot of people also love her and understand her (I demand proof!), and that she's a misunderstood star. It's like, if she would just stop talking about 30 percent sooner than she's compelled to, we might be able to stomach her. Probably not, but maybe.
Sheena talks to Shannon and Camille, and says that she'd really like to win for the Asian ladies out there who have never gotten a correspondent gig on Extra. Read: every Asian lady except for maybe Lisa Ling. She tells us that most high-fashion Asian models are in Europe or Asia, and they're super skinny and edgy. It's tough for someone like Sheena, who not only has a rack but who considers herself to be more of an entertainer. She wonders if someone who was half-Asian might better ease their way in, but Shannon advocates for "full-blown Sheena."
Tyra enters the house with a small man dressed in black, only to find the girls running around like lunatics. It turns out that they've decided to play dress-up. This is what happens when you deprive people of TV and Internet and reading material! Allison is wearing a sort of giant cat hood on her head, which I kind of want. But then would I be a furry? I don't want to accidentally procure a gateway headpiece and wind up having sex in a meerkat costume. How do those people even get to their bits? (Don't answer that.) In any case, Tyra introduces her small manfriend as Martin Lindstrom, a global branding expert slash author. Apparently he is a genius, who wrote a book called, Brandwashed: Tricks Companies Use to Manipulate Our Minds and Persuade Us to Buy. That actually sounds kind of interesting, though also evil. Martin has worked with some major Fortune 500 companies, and also Tyra, who has been on the Misfortune 500 for 8 years running. Is Martin Lindstrom responsible for SuperSmize? If so, I would like to both hug and punch him. Tyra says that Martin is harsh, but he gets results. He's going to help the girls to corral their 15 minutes of fame into a life-long career. Okay, now I just want to punch him without the hug.
Tyra leaves, and Martin starts talking to the girls in an accent from the country of Foreignia. He says that they've done pretty well so far, but he hasn't seen them on any magazine covers or TV shows recently. Well, they're on America's Top Model right now, aren't they? Martin says there's a huge step they have to take now to get to the point of world domination, and that is branding. Martin says that branding is all about one word. For example, if Martin says "cowboy" you think about one particular tobacco brand. Or if he says "safety," you think about a certain car brand. You do? I guess he means Volvo, but I mostly got that from the context clue of "Lindstrom." What's Martin's branding word? Mock turtleneck? Shyster?
Martin and the crack team of ANTM researchers have talked to fans to get perceptions of the girls, and now he's about to share info about their public images with them. Everyone, and especially Alexandria, starts to look nervous. This is an excuse to flash back again to that guy screaming at her to fuck off, of course. Oh, the times we had! Like the corners of my mind, all misty and watercolor. Martin talks to Lisa first, and asks if she thinks that people trust her. Okay, first of all, I think that "trust" is an odd barometer to use when you're talking about any reality star. His methods are flawed! Lisa thinks that people should trust her, and Martin is like, "Duh, no." She interviews that Martin basically ripped everyone a new asshole with his fancy poll results. Lisa's value/branding word is "daring." Not "diaper?" Martin tells Lisa that she has to break every rule from now on. Why is he encouraging these bitches?
Sheena is for an asshole-ripping, and Martin asks her if people find her annoying. She says that sometimes they do, and he is all, "No." He just loves to prove people wrong with his schmancy data. People do find Sheena to be sexy, but not so smart. Martin explains that people see Sheena in a different light than she sees herself. Her word is "unexpected." That is, like, the weirdest word. How are you supposed to brand yourself as being unexpected? Just show up at people's doors at odd hours? Sheena tells us that she's unexpected because in America, people don't relate Asian-Americans with their individuality. In other words, Sheena is really bad at math. All of her photos will involve her looking quizzically at a graphing calculator and, like, resting a sweaty glass of water on a cello.
Martin then asks Kayla what thing has differentiated her from all the other girls. She says, "LGBT." Well, she does have a "T" friend amongst the group, doesn't she? Martin replies, "The stuff about being lesbian, all right, was hip five, six, seven years ago. Today...so what?" He tells her that she needs to move on. That might be easier to do if they'd stop wrapping her in a fucking pride flag. Kayla is offended, because she represents ladies who love ladies, and is going to keep doing that in her brand, period. If not, she wonders, what's the purpose of being there? To win yourself some cash money, girl! And really, I think that Martin is trying to say that other interesting things about Kayla can come to the forefront, but he's being a real jerk about it. He has the air of a eunuch, so maybe any declaration of sexuality is too much for his delicate sensibilities. But really, is Kayla supposed to be like, "Oh I don't have to brand myself as a lesbian anymore? I was just WAITING for Sapphic love to stop being edgy. Somebody find me a big cock!" With this, we head into the new, crazy opening credits. It involves the girls slithering around like dirty whores, and slathering themselves in what appears to either be lipstick or menstrual blood. Hot, right?
When we return, Martin is telling Kayla that being a lesbian isn't unique. He says that she needs to reinvent herself and find something new to tell the world. Her word is "free." Well, she's not free to marry in 44 states, is she? Shut up, Lingonberry. Kayla says that she needs to sleep on the word "free" and figure out what it means to her. I think she should go full-on Free to Be... You and Me. That shit was all about growing up to be a big ole queer, anyway. Martin then tells Shannon that people think she's boring. So boring that even granny panties are too risqué! She thinks that the boring label came from the time during Season One when she said she was a virgin who didn't drink or smoke. In the words of Angelea, "What do you expect? You're boring, bitch." Shannon is, however, trustworthy, and Martin says this means that she can never lie. It's a word on a card. She can lie all she wants to. She won't though, on account of how boring and Christlike she is.
We breeze through a few folks. Dominique is a survivor. Martin tells Allison that people do NOT find her annoying -- a true aberration on this show -- and that her word is unique. Everyone is SO jealous of Allison's word. Angelea is . Martin says that people were asked what kind of product they could measure her by. What the heck kind of question is that? I have never heard of anything so dumb. Anyway, people said "shoes" for Angelea. In fact, they said "cheap shoes." Her word is "persistence," because she persistently scours the clearance rack at Payless. Bre is , and her word is "girlfriend." I think he means it as in, "You go, girlfriend!" Bre tells us that Martin said the girls will lose fans if they confuse them too much, because the fans won't know how to follow them. I'm sure all of you fucking idiots out there are really grateful for his help. I know I am! I've been perplexed for years, until he handed these ladies words on cards. Laura's word is "lovable," which is pretty dead-on. I hope that she doesn't stop being lovable for a day or anything. I'd be so puzzled!
And then there's Alexandria. Martin prefaces his bad news with, "I hate to tell you..." which is a lie! He lives to tell her this shit. Martin's brand is definitely not "trustworthy." He then goes on to tell Alexandria that people think she's "annoring." Is that, like, annoying and boring at once? Because I'd say that's accurate. Alexandria also says a lot of things, and there's no value in what she's saying. She takes this news from Martin with kind of a sour look, and then tells us, "My fans think I'm annoying." I'm going to channel Angelea for a moment and say, "Newsflash, bitch. They're not your fans!" Alexandria's word is "tough." She's not tough at all! She totally cries just because a stranger tells her to fuck off. Martin tells her to fake it 'til she makes it, and Alexandria just looks sad. That's so annoring.
Martin then tells Bianca that she has an amazing branding/value, which is "candid." You can see the relief wash across her face as she realizes she can drop the whole Eliza Doolittle "I want to be a lady" crap. Bianca says that when Martin told her that she could be candid, she felt like he gave her permission not to hold back anymore. She has PERMISSION to be stank! And she fully intends to roll with it. She is amazing. Bre is also pleased that Martin instructed Bianca to be candid, because she'd like to see some bitches in the house get told. And after all, if Bianca didn't start meaningless fights all over the place, wouldn't you be confused?
After Martin leaves, Dominique is telling Camille how refreshing it is to have a direction to go in. Yes, how refreshing that he's given her a personality, or facsimile thereof. There's a voiceover of Camille saying that Bianca is outspoken, and that might be her strategy to win. She totally did not just say this to Dominique sitting on the bed. Nonetheless, Bianca comes peeking around the corner all stealth-like and apparently overhears something, because she tells Bre and Isis that heard Camille and Dominique talking shit about her. And Bianca was just trying to be friendly and lurk around shiftily! The three of them start talking/yelling about shit getting real, and then Bianca gets very "candid" with Dominique and Camille. Dominique claims not to know what Bianca is talking about, to which Bianca dumps her first (but not last!) notable quotable of the episode: "Put the caution around my bed because I'm about to go off." Back downstairs, several of the girls talk about Bianca's "candidness" and how a lot of them are actually, like, receiving Medicare now and so have no time for this B.S. D'Amato is hilarious as she says, "So, Bianca has just changed into another person now that she's got [this card]?" Camille reiterates for us that it's childish just to create drama because you got a word on a card. I think it's more pathological than that, actually. In a good way, though!
The morning, Jay welcomes the girls to Siren Studios, in the heart of Hollywood. It's photo shoot day, and Jay says that today they'll feel like true Hollywood celebrities. But before they get in front of the camera, it's time for TY-Overs. A caption helpfully tells us that TY-Overs = Tyra inspired makeovers. They also tie you over until you are free and can afford to get a decent hairstyle again. The news of TY-Overs is delivered by Miss J. and Ashlee Simpson. Nobody even claps for Ashlee, for real. Except for Laura, who actually brings her hands to her face with joy. Congratulations, Ashlee Simpson, you are more exciting than bull testicles. In addition to her manifold other talents, Ashlee Simpson is apparently a designer. As if that bow tie on top of her sheer, sleeveless blouse wouldn't clue you in! Ashlee and her new blonde pixie cut are going to help oversee the TY-Overs. Jay asks when we're going to get new music out of Ashlee, and the answer sadly is not, "never." She then goes on to say that music is all about your image, and she's always changing. That, she says, defines your brand. So, basically the opposite of what Martin said. If Ashlee had a brand/value word, it would totally be "nosejob."
The Jays tell the girls that they're going SO BIG this all-star season that they'll actually get mani-pedis and skin care. WOW. Hopefully that means Botox for some of them. The girls head to the TY-Over salon, and Miss J. asks Alexandria what she thinks is going to happen. She gets total crazy eyes as she says she's ready for anything. In that case, Miss J. tells her, she's getting it chopped. Alexandria's mouth smiles, but the rest of her face looks...shiny and medicated. She just does not know how to be a human being. Ashlee claims that a short cut will help Alexandria stand out. Meanwhile, Bianca and Isis get weaves. Oh, wait. Human OED Bianca tells Isis, "Weave is like a ghetto word. You supposed to say extensions. Weave sounds tacky...Weave is tacky, and you are tacky, so you are weave. I am extensions." She's just, like, a shining beacon to humanity. In the dark sea of currently reality programming, where even The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is depressing, Bianca is our lighthouse, calling us across the waves to solid, stanky ground. She is our candle on the water. God bless, candid lady.
Meanwhile, Sheena is nervous because the last time she got a TY-Over a big chunk of her hair fell out. Miss J. tells her that she's getting her hair cut to the extreme, and we head to commercials. But! When we come back, he tells her he was just kidding. His value/brand is "kidder." To wit, he says he's full of shit as a Christmas turkey. Sheena is relieved, because she didn't expect the unexpected. Or did she? What exactly would be unexpected in TY-Overs at this point? Shaving someone bald and then making them wear an old Italian man's toupee? Bianca and Ashlee talk for a while about haircuts and personality, and it's so annoring. Jay then tells Bre that her hair is looking a little poufy (as you may recall Nicki Minaj mentioning on more than one occasion), and so they're going to cut it a bit shorter on the sides. He tells her that it's not going to be anything extreme, and Bre says that it's no problem.
Somebody else, however, is currently having a problem. Lisa is in for a much shorter cut, and even though she's having her hair done by salon owner Yoshi Hagiwara, she is not pleased. She notes that she's getting married in two months, and clearly would like to keep the long hair. I actually thought that was a wig this whole time! It doesn't look remotely like real hair. Yoshi tells her that she's hiding herself. He doesn't understand that that's a good thing. Meanwhile, Alexandria starts undergoing the chopping. She's always had long hair, and usually bangs to cover up her big-ass forehead. At the first cut, she starts squealing. Isis tells us that she was being overly dramatic and, true to form, annoring. Dominique adds that Alexandria's overwrought display of happiness proves that she's a natural actress. Lisa, however, has no pretense of happiness. She calls Jay over, and asks if he knows how long it takes to grow an inch. He's all, "Do you know how long it takes you to stop looking like a dowdy housewife?" That shuts her up but good.
Meanwhile, Angelea thinks she is more deserving of Sheena's "unexpected title. But Angelea doesn't defy positive stereotypes like Sheena does! Meanwhile, Kayla is going back to red in hopes that people will actually recognize her. She's fine with that. We see the results of Lisa's TY-Over, and I actually feel a little bad. It's the same crap that they gave her last time, and looks more like a wig than ever. How does she get her hair to do that? Miss J. tells her that she'd better rock it, or she'll face his size 11s in her anus. Shannon looks on in horror. Meanwhile, Bre goes from chill to whatever the opposite of chill is as her haircut progresses. She says that she's overwhelmed and wants to cry, because the worst is already done. Bre tells us that her chances of winning just went out the window, because she lost her confidence. Her hair does, in fact, look kind of whack. She heads into the ladies room and says that she's going to get her things, and would like someone to call her aunt to come get her. A producer asks why she wants to leave. I mean, really. Unless your word is "baby," buck up. Your hair looked like shit before, too. Bre says, "I was upset when they wanted to cut my hair...now I'm at rage." Not at close rage. At rage, full stop. Bre claims that she doesn't have any hair, which has no basis in fact. She just doesn't have hair where it would look good to have hair. Bre starts sobbing as we head to commercials.
When we return, Bre is still at rage. Dominique, who is dressed in full clown makeup in her interview bit, tells us that Bre needs to get a grip. No doubt! In this case, though, maybe the check actually doesn't look good enough. But Bre, as many people do in their times of worry and woe, harkens back to Martin's advice. No, for real. And Martin told the girls to always think about their brand, no matter what the circumstances. And then Bre says, "I think the only way that I can really own being a girlfriend is if I'm a girlfriend to myself." Bre is sort of an emotional onanist right now. She's a hero for the ages.
Just then, the Jays enter the room and announce that it's lunchtime. They have Pink's hot dogs. Pink's has been a legend in Hollywood since 1939, apparently, and Jay Manuel says that they serve hot dogs to the stars. They look rather foul, but that is true of most chili dogs if you think about it. For their photo challenge today, the girls are going to have to create their own Pink's hot dog, while keeping their brand in mind. So I guess the candid hot dog would have...onions? I mean, this makes absolutely no sense. The top person this week will have their photo on Pink's website to usher in a new menu item -- America's Top Model dog. We see a series of three hot dogs, upon which are written in mustard, "Pink's loves ANTM." It both makes me want a hot dog and makes me want to barf. I can't explain.
Laura is first to make her lovable hot dog. It involves all-American staples such as beans, barbeque sauce, and onions. Laura steps on set with her dog and meets photographer Ricky Middlesworth, whose aesthetic is described as "timeless glamor." He says this unironically while looking at a lady who is soon to be licking condiments off of herself. Jay tells Laura that she has to sell herself and the hot dog -- while eating the hot dog -- and keep her brand in mind. And let me tell you, if you are a fan of ladies eating hot dogs -- which plenty of people apparently are -- the seven minutes or so are going to delight you. So, Laura's take on lovable basically involves starring in an amateur porn video with her dog. She gets barbeque sauce and chili on her arms just so she can lick it off, and somehow emerges from the shoot with shit slathered all over her chest. This girl is no doubt In It To Win It: Money Shot Edition.
Camille is , and tries to touch her booty as she takes a reluctant nibble of her dog. Her word is proud. How do you proudly eat a hot dog? Pride and dignity are like the antithesis of what hot dogs are all about. Jay thinks it looks tense, and asks Laura to come on set and show Camille what she was doing. Bianca finds this to be scandalous and delightful. Laura goes up there and licks her arms again. She has quite a career ahead of her as a modeling coach! Camille then tells us that for her, who hasn't eaten a hot dog in 20 years, the whole thing was difficult. For Laura, however, who "lives and breathes" hot dogs every day, it was a more natural fit. I'm surprised Camille didn't surmise that Laura buys her hot dogs at the Walmart located just down the dirt road from her trailer park in Dogpatch, USA. Shirt and shoes not required! All of that is probably true, by the way. The photographer tries to convince Camille that she's having fun. You can guess how well that turns out.
Angelea is up , and Jay tells her that he's never seen her this beautiful. She does look great. From her subsequent interview, we learn that it doesn't last. Angelea's task is to eat her persistent hot dog persistently. Is that like when you look INSIDE the hot dog after taking a bite and then continue to eat it anyway? That is a bit of a triumph of the will. Jay tells us that Angelea -- who, I may remind you, is being photographed eating a hot dog -- was so refined and beautiful, and blew his socks off. I think that Jay is drunk, to be honest.
It's Bianca's turn to fellate processed meat, and she tells Laura that if she walks on set during her shoot, they won't be roommates anymore. Laura looks perturbed, or maybe some of her features are just still stuck together from all the barbeque sauce. Bianca wastes no time hiking a leg up and opening her mouth really wide. Holy shit, you guys. Jay tells us that Bianca was his big surprise of the day, because it felt like there was a sense of "I am this brand." I guess eating a hot dog candidly on film involves a lack of pretense regarding its implication for pork fetishists.
I almost just blew by the footage of the hair and makeup folks backstage, but luckily I happened to pause upon the greatest-named glam squad team member of all time: one Mr. Craig Beaglehole. I repeat: Beaglehole.
It's kind of a letdown to go from La Beaglehole to Dominique, but here we are. She's a survivor, she's not gonna give up, she's gonna work harder, she's gonna eat that hot dog. Allison opens her wide eyes even wider as she maws on her dog. Trust me when I say that it's very unique. Then there's Sheena. Her unexpected twist on a Pink's hot dog involves adding rose petals. This isn't enough for Jay, who tells her that she's supposed to look unexpected when biting down on her dog. Do you REALLY want to give the impression that you found something unexpected in your food item? More unexpected than anything you'd already find in How It's Made: Hot Dogs? [To wit: hot dog soup.] Jay tells Sheena that it looks like she has to pee, and asks how she'd be eating that hot dog if she were Kim Kardashian. Sheila gets less whorish. Unexpected!
Then there's Alexandria, who steps on set crying of happiness -- happiness! -- because of how her hair turned out. She lets out a breathy wail -- of happiness! She swears! Alexandria's version of eating a hot dog with toughness involves sliding the bun down the side of her face until it almost enters her Beaglehole. Glamor with bacon, you guys! I'm surprised no one has yet thought to stick the whole dog in their cleavage and bounce around. In other news, it turns out that Kayla is typical of Alexandria fans, in that she hates her.
And then it's time for Cover Girlfriends in Action! Except this time BIANCA is being the girlfriend to Bre! She tells Bre that everybody is going to love her and her haircut, and even tousles it a little for fun. Bianca is not being candid right now, but that's okay with Bre. I have to say that I am actually confused at Bianca being nice to others. I guess Martin was right. You never know what's going to come out of her Beaglehole. Isis is on set, eating her hot dog with inspiration. Shannon is very trustworthy with her hot dog, which means that she does not try to molest it at all. That's what I call letting a Beaglehole go to waste. And then it's Kayla's turn to be free with her hot dog. Ricky says that he wants to feel more joy from Kayla, and tells her to act like she likes it. Laura sums it all up thusly, in what is probably my favorite quote from anybody, ever: "How do you make a hot dog gay and lesbian and free?" Put it in a rainbow bun and take it to Provincetown for a week? Jay has to tell Kayla not to look completely disgusted on film. He says that she has no idea what to do, and the whole thing just didn't work.
And then there's Lisa. She proudly tells us (even though that's NOT her word) that she created a hot dog called The Skinny Little Bitch. It's a veggie dog with tomatoes, onions, and no bun. She then says archly that eating a hot dog without a bun might be difficult for someone who isn't daring. Okay, I confess, I am starting to enjoy her a little bit. Even though, after the fashion of her idol Bad Bad Leroy Brown, she often looks like a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces gone. Lisa drops a handful of shredded lettuce in her mouth, and then proceeds to hold her bunless hot dog like a cigarette. Jay tells us that she looks bright and sexy, and everything is a dare. I can never tell if he's being sarcastic or not. And finally there's Bre. Jay tells her that she looks totally chic with her crunk hairdo. She takes an invigorated bite from her hotdog, as a girlfriend would. Jay reminds us that Bre has had a long and emotional day, and says that everything on set because a little soft and weak. She lets out a big sigh, because being your own hotdog-eating girlfriend is exhausting sometimes. And that's a wrap!
Back at the house, the girls get the Tyra Mail of Doom, which foretells someone's elimination. Kayla braids Allison's hair, and admits that it took her a second to grasp the concept of today's shoot. What, that's crazy! I don't see what's so confusing about being free while eating a free hot dog freely. Kayla tells us that she's nervous. She thinks that she's got the whole package way more than some other girls in the house, and would hate to go home over a hot dog shoot. Meanwhile, Bre is still complaining about her haircut. She says that it took her a year to grow her hair back, and she's just drained. She also says that she's bald again, which is not true. What she has going on is worse than bald. Bianca hopes that everything goes well, but is nervous for her BFF. With that, we head to commercials.
When we return, it's panel time. There are prizes, there are judges. Ashlee Simpson is the guest judge, sporting a sleeveless turtleneck with a big heart cut-out on the chest. She looks cheap and insane, right? I might have missed this last week, but as part of her prize package the winner gets a blog on Vogue Italia's web site. Those crafty folks at Vogue Italia, finally getting serious about a Pulitzer.
Dominique is up first for judging, wearing a sequined zebra-print shirt. Upon seeing her photo, Nigel says, "I'm not sure that I see survivor." Well, yes, it's a photo wherein she has chili and guacamole all over her hands. What do these people want? Tyra and Ashlee are fans, though, and Tyra says that Dominique looks like a famous actress who cared less about winning an Academy Award, because she just wanted to get out of there and get her Pink's hot dog. This is a feeling that Tyra knows well, with the exception of the "actress" and "Academy Award" parts. Bianca is up , and manages to maintain a modicum of dignity by having a photo in which she neither has condiments smeared all over her, nor has her mouth open wide to accept the insertion of a frank. She's just smiling away with a partial hot dog in one hand and a bun in the other. ALT says that it looks very candid, and shows her talent. Ashlee loves it as well.
Boring, trustworthy Shannon is . ALT thinks that it's a great photo, although Nigel sneers, "I think it's very pretty. Is it TRUSTworthy? I GUESS I TRUST you." He spits out the word "trust," like maybe there's something going on between these two that we don't know about. Shannon practically screams, "THANK YOU!" with a demented smile as her critique ends, adding further evidence to my theory. Proud Camille is . She has her mouth open with her hand over it in her photo, like she is trying to be coy. Ashlee thinks it's amateur hour. ALT gets a pageant vibe from Camille's perfection in person, and he and Tyra pick at her until she looks more seductive-proud. is Laura, with her barbeque chili money shot photo. Nigel notes that the photo is more than lovable, too lovable, and so lovable that he doesn't feel like he should be looking at it. Tyra deems it "lustable." ALT says that he gets an "actressy" vibe from Laura, by which he means that she would make a great porn star.
up is Isis. She made her own dress. Tyra loves it, and ALT says that she could have her own little dress line. It turns out that Isis is trying to do so. Look for her on Project Runway, wherein she will have a bitter rivalry with Grandma Wanda Sue. Isis's inspiration in her photo appears to be her phantom penis. She's mowing down a giant dog as her hand hangs in the middle of her open legs, right in front of her Beaglehole. It's rather unsettling. Nigel tells her that the photo is funny, interesting, and a bit dirty. ALT says that Isis is fabulous standing in front of him, but in the photo he wouldn't want to know her or see her, and would be running to the car. However, Tyra would stop if she saw this in a magazine. In a good way! And then she would order a 12-pack of hot dogs and make an afternoon of it.
Kayla is . Her photo is pretty terrible. Ashlee says that to her, being free means being a dopey, relaxed hippie, whereas Kayla is too posed. Nigel asks Kayla what free means to her, and she's like "Yeah, I don't even know." ALT would like to see Kayla be like a flyaway bird, I guess with a hot dog in its beak. Allison is , and manages to suck sauce off of her arms in a way that is amazingly not lascivious. Ashlee thinks that Allison is the cutest, but Tyra tells her that she has to make sure she doesn't veer too far over the line into cute territory. Does this mean no more Blossom hats? Curses. Then there's Alexandria. She looks a little like Cameron Diaz in her photo, and Nigel says that the whole thing looks sweet and darling rather than tough. ALT and Ashlee like it well enough, though. The question that I have about 80 percent of these photos is, why on earth would I want to eat at a place where I'm guaranteed to end up with shit all over my face AND BODY? Like, "How on earth did you get ketchup all over your shins?" "Oh, you know, hot dog at Pink's!" That's terrible advertising.
Sheena is , in another jumpsuit. I think that her photo is super cute, but Nigel says that it's not at all unexpected or exciting. Tyra says that Sheena has a lot more flavor and effervescence than comes through in the photo, which feels a bit safe. The bitch should have smeared guacamole on her clavicle. is Angelea, with her photo of persistence. ALT says that she could be Liz Taylor or a young Sophia Loren or Milania Trump. Nigel says that it's believable, cute and endearing, and certainly persistent. How is it persistent? She's standing there with the dregs of a hot dog bun! Then we have Lisa, who is daringly wearing American flag pants. Nigel says that her hair looks great, which is a total lie. The judges love Lisa's photo. I actually think that the photo is great except for the focal point, which is her wide-open Beaglehole stuffed with chewed food. People: that is fucking disgusting. It's all yellow-green and shit in there too. It looks like she's just taken a big bite of baby poop, which is also dribbling down her chin. Gaze upon your high-fashion mogul, right here.
Bre is , and the judges love her new look. It does look much better than earlier. Tyra says that Bre looks sad, and Bre replies that she was nervous, but is okay now that the judges have complimented her hair. Nigel wishes that she had walked down the runway with confidence, and Tyra is confused at how serene and soft Bre is. Bre says that when she was first on the show, she was an energetic, spunky teenager. Now she's more reserved, and says that she can't give the judges 19 anymore. She can, however, give them a great 25. Ashlee is all like, "Look at me! I'm 26 and still a doofus!" Tyra tells Bre that sad is not good, unless it's her word. So if they gave her "sad," it would be okay? Really? Tyra really likes Bre's girlfriend photo, but Nigel wants to see a sparkle in her eye -- both in her photos and at judging.
The judges deliberate. Dominique is believable and authentic. Camille is not proud enough in her photo, and too pageant-y generally. Nigel and Ashlee love Laura's porn face. Isis's photo is overreached and overcrotched. Bre nailed her shot, but is sparkles and sad in person. Allison's photo has a quirky charm. Sheena is uninspiring, though her jumpsuits have been unexpected. Alexandria's photo is good, but not tough. Ashlee thinks that Bianca is the prettiest girl there. Angelea looks very Euro and not at all like her ghetto self. Lisa's photo is disgusting, but the judges love it anyway. Shannon is classic and beautiful, but you wouldn't necessarily want to share a hot dog with her. Kayla is not free in her picture, nor as a person, but is capable of more. The judges have reached a decision, but we're not out yet. Instead, Tyra grabs a pair of clippers from under her desk and tells Nigel that his long hair is off-brand. She shaves a stripe right in the middle of his head, which makes him look like the giantest mentally challenged perv you've ever seen. It's sort of like his true soul came to light for just this moment.
The girls return. Tyra tells them that Nigel decided to lead by example and so went back to being bald. He winks at them, because the dirty old perv is still within. Nigel cut his hair, but now Tyra is going to cut one of the ladies. There are thirteen girls, and only twelve photos. The first name that she's going to call is the best of the bunch. And that is see-food Lisa! That's whack, man. [Note: It seems like Pink's agrees, given how hilariously low-quality her annoring picture is on their site. -- RS.] Bianca is called , followed by Alexandria, Laura, Angelea, Dominique, Shannon, Allison, Isis, Bre and Camille. This leaves Sheena and Kayla in the bottom two. The judges think that Sheena is stunning, but that's not reflected in her photos. This was true last time, but they brought her back anyway, just so they could eliminate her in the second episode. Then there's Kayla, whom Tyra describes as the girl who came to Top Model in a shell and was so scared to tell the world who she really was. Wait, is that true? I thought she was always super-out? Anyway, I guess she broke free of the internalized homophobia that she never actually possessed. Triumph of the spirit. But the judges feel like strong Kayla is lost and flailing, and doesn't know what to grab on to. And yet, Kayla stays. Tyra tells her that she's beautiful, strong and a leader. But not a lesbian, because that's so five years ago.
Tyra gives Sheena a big hug. Sheena is disappointed, and says that she wanted to show her respect to and appreciation for the fans. She came with a bigger dream and goal, and is sad that she didn't have a chance to show off her true star quality. She says it's okay, though, because she'll always be remembered as an all-star. I do quite like Sheena, and am sad that we didn't fully get to enjoy her this time around.
week: Mario Lopez! Stilts! Bianca's fear of heights!
Potes is at rage. Tweet her @traciepotes, or email potesypotes@gmail.com.