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All star season! Yes, people, it's real. Tyra claims that she went through the sixteen (SIXTEEN! We're all so old.) cycles and brought back our favorites, which is NOT TRUE because there's no Leftover Lady Jade, nor Brandy, who was fond of making jokes to make herself laugh. Nor Shandi, who had seeeeeexxxxxx. Nor Amanda, who conceived her child exactly ten years from this past Sunday and is probably blind by now. Nor Toccara, who knew she'd walk away with this shit and so didn't even bother showing up.
Anyway, what we do have is 14 has-beens who are back in the running and vying for a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, a national campaign for Express, a spread in Vogue Italia, and a guest correspondent gig with Extra. Also, they get to work with Mario Lopez. I KNOW! And Miss LaToya herself. And Kathy Griffin! Okay, I'm legit excited about that. And Tyra promises to be extra insufferable, yay.
So, our all-stars are:
Angelea from Cycle 14, who is still ghetto and still cain't go back to buffalo.
Hick Laura from Cycle 13, who is adorable and always drunk. Still!
Bianca from Cycle 9, who beat the shit out of that girl from Hairspray when she tried to claim a seat in an airport that was already reserved for Bianca's luggage. She's with Ford, and also looks amazing. I'm sure Tracy Turnblad deserved it.
Lisa from Cycle 5, who was 400 years old back then, and so now is 406. You could put the ghost of Rue McClanahan in her stead and nobody would know the difference. And yes, she's the one who peed in a diaper.
Bre from Cycle 5, who wants you to STEP AWAY FROM HER GRANOLA BARS. Just so you know, she and Bianca are BFFs, or maybe BFFrenemies.
Brittany from Cycle 4, who is 70 (336 years younger than Lisa!) and was a big drunkerstein, and maybe has had plastic surgery.
Dominique from Cycle 10, who we all thought was maybe a man. She isn't, and has the baby to prove it.
Sheena from Cycle 11, who is still awesome and also still looks like a ho. The fake tits will do that, always.
Isis from Cycle 11, who has had her gender reassignment surgery and so now will not be afraid that her penis will fly out in the hot tub.
Kayla from Cycle 15, who used to have bright red hair and is famously a big lez.
Allison from Cycle 12, who has the giant eyes and loves blood and is doing art things and is the greatest!
Camille from Cycle 2, who looks surprisingly good for being 407 years old. Rest assured that her signature walk is still in tact.
Shannon from Cycle 1 -- Cycle 1! -- who is probably still a virgin, even though she's married. She looks amazing, too.
Fucking Alexandria from Cycle 16, who proves that Tyra is a sadist. I can't believe I have to look at her stupid face AGAIN.
So, after that everything is pretty much the famewhore-iest, which is the official theme of this season. Jay visits and tells the ladies that they're going to have their very first photo shoot straightaway in their backyard, in which they'll portray larger than life versions of their already outsized ANTM personas. Bianca gets into character by being a total stankface as soon as the hair people clip in red extensions. I didn't catch her persona, so I just assume it's "Stinkity Stank Stank Stunk." Please don't read that as an insult, though, I still think she's the greatest and should win. If Allison doesn't. I mean, look at her. Speaking of Allison, she's a quirky kewpie doll, while Bre is ghetto fab, Dominique is manly, Camille is a diva, and Kayla is the gayest. Brittany is a party girl, and looks more like J. Dick than ever. I actually think they should have let La Dickinson compete as an all-star. She would eat the shit out of Bre's granola bars, and also make everyone cry. As for the rest of the girls, Laura is a country cutie, Alexandria is a tough California girl, Isis is "confidence" (not, in fact, a persona!), Sheena is Harlem but not hoochie, Angelea is from the hood, and Lisa is a wild child.
And then there's Shannon. Her thing is that she's angelic, and wardrobe calls for her to put on some angel wings, a lace top, and some big old lace granny bloomers. But alas! Said granny bloomers are way too provocative for Shannon. Underthings are to be worn in the bedroom or under clothes only, she argues, and pushes to wear a bikini bottom that is literally one-fifth the size of the granny bloomers. Jay tries to point out to her that this is really stupid, but Shannon is determined to stick to her nonsensical morals. She cries about how the godly people are always pushed around.
Jay surprises the girls with the knowledge that they're going to have a live outdoor judging panel in front of a bunch of fans. Nicki Minaj is the guest judge. Tyra appears wearing a hat. I think we should start a rumor that she's going bald, and it's so bad that it even goes through the wig. Nigel is there with his godawful hair, and ALT appears looking like a wizard who's in a community theater production of The Music Man. After the girls appear one by one and get their critiques, Tyra lets them know that they'll be judged not only on their photos, but on their "personalities" and how they handled the crowd and whatnot. This is bad news for Alexandria, who was not only booed, but called a bitch by someone in the crowd. Okay, that was me. Whatever, she deserved it.
The judges' deliberation and elimination ceremony takes place in a private location, because if this show knows one thing it's the importance of situationally appropriate dignity. Isis gets best photo, while Alexandria and Brittany land in the bottom two. In Alexandria's case, she's in the bottom because people hate her. Brittany is there because no one apparently remembers her hilariously drunken ass. Her double chin probably doesn't help either. Tyra rationalizes that when you have people that love you and people that hate you, then you're a true star. Whatever helps you to sleep at night, Ty Ty Baby. She hands Alexandria a photo, and sends Brittany back to the bar.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hello, everybody! The moment we've waited for has arrived! It's the hotly anticipated America's Top Model All-Star season! I was so busy forgetting who Dominique was that I didn't even have time to fret over how she's been doing over these long years. Now the prayers that I didn't even know I had have been answered! That's SO Tyra.
We begin by showcasing Tyra's true forte: ACTING! There's a picture of a little log cabin in the woods, lit by a full moon. To this I say: bitch, please. I picture Tyra living in an abode that is a giant, exact replica of her own head. The guest room is left top quadrant of the weave. An owl hoots -- or maybe that's the ghost of Naima? -- and we move inside. Tyra has apparently built a shoddy set inside of her log cabin, and this is where she has placed her bed. She is in yellow polka dot pajamas, with a matching eye mask, and it appears that she is dreaming. Suddenly to her left appears a bubble in which a be-sunglass-spectacled figure turns to her and says, "Tyra, Tyra! It's Camille from Cycle 2! You remember me and my signature walk -- the one that made me famous." The role of Camille is of course being played by none other than Tyra Banks, master thespian. , a figure with a floppy hat and southern accent appears below the sleeping Tyra. This is the ghost of Hick Laura, from the petite cycle, ALSO played by master thespian Tyra Banks! This portrayal is slightly less successful than that of Camille, because it's always the worst when Tyra does accents. It does appear that she's studied Hee-Haw in preparation for this role.
To Tyra's right appears Isis (played by...well, you know), who says, "Tyra, girl...now you know I'm an all-star because I got more woman inside me than all these bitches put together." Hear her roar! This takes me out of the scene a little bit, because I hope so very much that Isis is happy these days. And then above Tyra's head appears Tyra once again, wearing a long blonde weave. She is Allison from Cycle 12, who self-defines as, "The wide-eyed quirky girl that has an obsession with blood... especially yours." She has a nosebleed as she says this! That's Method. Also, if Allison is actually going for Tyra's blood this time around, I would like to send her a donation or contribute via Kickstarter. Then all of the all-stars start talking at once, and then they're actually there in the flesh, surrounding Tyra! They rip her to shreds and eat her flesh, zombie-like. Oh no, that was me dreaming. Instead, they hound her about why they qualify as all-stars. Note that Tyra didn't let D'Amato anywhere near even her fake bedroom. Ms. Banks wakes up with a start and cries that she'll do an All-Star cycle already -- she just wants these bitches to stop the psychological torture. Boy, do I know that feeling.
Anyway, so that's how we got here. Tyra tells us that she went back through the past cycles and brought back all of our favorites. Two words: Leftover Lady. And what about Shandi? Is she still working at Walgreens? I'm sure Toccara was like, "I was already in Italian Vogue, but thanks." Ah, and Elyse! I'm just saying, there were a lot of possibilities, and instead we got Alexandria. This time, Tyra says, it's not just about modeling. I know you're wondering when it was ever about modeling, but suspend your disbelief here -- she's trying. This time, it's about finding the star power that can build a brand. Because, let's face it, two-thirds of these girls were collecting social security while eating cheesecake on a Miami lanai before Tyra called them back. Bitches are old! I mean, they're all still younger than me, but I'm REALLY old. I'm writing this from my room at Shady Pines. I hope they bring me more applesauce soon, and that I can find my teeth.
Tyra is making everything this season bigger, ostensibly because this is a cycle that people will actually want to watch. She tells us that in today's world, you've got to be more than just a pretty face -- you've got to be a name. And to help establish that name, Tyra has put together a whopping prize package: a $100,000 Cover Girl contract, a spread in Vogue Italia, a guest correspondent gig with Extra, and a national campaign for Express. It's true that I haven't been in a mall in a while, but I'm actually shocked that Express still exists. There are going to be lots of celebrity guests, including Latoya Jackson and Kathy Griffin, as well as challenges designed to allow the girls to show the true limits of their talents. It appears that Tyra may drop her second single, the follow up to "Shake Ya Body (Body)," which may be called, "Shake Ya Booty (Tooch)." And of course, bitches will be bitches. What do you think is going to happen when you put Bianca in a house with other humans?
The first all-star that we see entering the all-star abode is none other than Angelea "I cain't go back to Buffalo" Preston from Cycle 14! And also from the Cycle 12 auditions, where she was just the saddest. She tells us that 716 is in the house, so I guess she likes Buffalo again. Angelea wears what looks to be a jumpsuit with a built-in diaper. Lisa is going to be so jealous! Angelea knows that she's an all-star, because people remember her. It is true that her sad despair burned itself into our brains indelibly. Angelea gazes at her portrait that hangs in the house, labeled with the quote, "I'm still ghetto, but I'm classy ghetto." She's ghassy! Angelea really feels the wisdom of her own notable quotable. She wants to be visible to the world, and says that winning this competition will give her that. This whole thing is like a supersized Bucket O'Famewhores, man. we see Laura "Deliverance" Kirkpatrick from petite Cycle 13. Laura is the lovable and always drunk-sounding redneck whose couturier is the famous and infamous Grandma Wanda Sue. Laura says that she has an agency now, though the fact that she doesn't say which one leads me to believe that she's been taking a lot of topless photos in some guy's basement apartment. Judging by her speech, Laura's alcohol problem seems to have worsened.
And then it all happens. Four words: Bianca "Stank" Golden, Cycle 9. Say what you will about this bitch: she looks fly. The LEGS, people. If Randy Jackson were here, he would point a lot and scream, "In it to win it!" Not everyone is as happy as I am to see Bianca. Angelea, for example, sort of rolls her eyes and tells us that Bianca is good at two things: being fake and running her mouth. She predicts that they will engage in some weave-pulling stankery before too long. Bianca has signed with Ford models, and tells us that she's here to show the world that she can brand herself and be a mogul. This is the girl who, like, punched out Tracy Turnblad's mom over some seats at the airport. She's already won.
And then there's Lisa "Depends" D'Amato, the Cycle 5 diaper-pisser, looking like the aged drag queen that she is. She's recorded an album and made porny white girl rap videos since we've seen her last. I think her rap star name should be "Methuselah." Against all odds, Lisa thinks very highly of herself. Bianca, however, hates her some Lisa. See, she's the voice of reason! , Bre "Nature Valley" Scullark from Cycle 5 enters. Bianca gets a weird look on her face, and Bre tells us that she wanted to "surprise" Bianca. Much like fellow mogul Oprah Winfrey, Bianca appears to hate surprises. As it turns out, Bre and Bianca are BFF(renemie)s, who bonded after their various Top Model cycles and even moved to Chicago together. Bre complains that she got no love from her best friend when she walked in the door, and Bianca replies that that's because her best friend didn't even know she was going to be there. Bre says that she just wanted to surprise Bianca, and then schoolmarms that Bianca can't just make scenes for no reason. She can, and she will, and that's why she's going to make it to the final three. They say that they're sisters and that this squabble is nothing. Let's hope that they're wrong about that.
And speaking of hot messes, it's Brittany "Drunkerstein" Brower from Cycle 4! Brittany was the Dickinson-esque party girl who got inappropriately drunk often enough for an ankle-turning stumble to be her signature walk. Boy, does she look surgified in her interview footage. Maybe it's the lighting? She tells us that her head is in much different place by now. Her hand, however, is still wrapped around a champagne flute. Brittany is very pretty, except when she's not. , it seems like Angelea walks in the door again, but nay! It's Dominique "Dude?" Reighard from Cycle 10. She apparently just had a baby. I think that's a ruse to throw us off the fact that she's a man. Kidding! She's all lady, except for the face. Dominique named her baby Bre, because of her hopes that her child will grow up to be a fierce protector of granola. Dominique reminds us that some people called her a tranny during her cycle. I wonder what jerks she could be talking about? Dominique apparently took some time off to raise a family, but now she's jumping back into her career full-force.
And then! It's Sheena "Plastic Rack" Sakai from Cycle 11! I do love her, even though she's really not so skilled with the modeling. Since we saw her last, Sheena has done some national commercials and a lot of hosting work, print work, and runway shows. She is here to mogul it up. And then! It's Isis "L-O-L-A" King, also from Cycle 11. Isis had her gender reassignment surgery about two years ago, and so no longer has to worry about a little something extra popping out during the inevitable bikini shoot. Isis prefers "born in the wrong body" to "transsexual," and says that she's embraced her sexuality more. That's good. She seemed so uncomfortable last time that it made me feel very sympathetic, which is not an emotion that you want to have regarding a Top Model contestant. But if you WERE going to feel a nice emotion for any of them, Isis is certainly a top contender.
to enter is Kayla "Yep, I'm Gay" Ferrel from Cycle 15. Kayla tells us that a lot of people didn't seem to recognize her when she entered the house. She attributes this to the fact that her hair is now brown instead of blazing red, as it was on the show. Kayla knows that she's most memorable for being out and proud. I'm sure they'll find ever more ways for her to gay it up -- or be uncomfortable with menfolk! -- during this all-star season. Oh, and then happiness! We are reintroduced to Allison "Universal Donor" Harvard from Cycle 12. Her eyes are as big as ever, and are scanning the room to see if anyone has a bloody nose that she can obsess over. Since we last saw her, Allison has been doing art internships and freelance art directing. Frankly, she already seems over this shit. She's too good for it, no question. I wonder why she even came back. I hope they paid her lots.
The girls see a picture of Cycle 2's own Camille "Signature Walk" McDonald, and dread her inevitable entrance. And then it happens. There's no immediate bitchery, but Bianca explains to us that she and Camille have a long history, and that Camille had better not attempt to hug her now, tomorrow, or any day. Oh, I can't WAIT for these two to get into it. This season is kind of like Gladiator. , we have Shannon "Chastity Belt" Stewart from Cycle 1. She's gotta be on a diet of prunes and Metamucil by now, but I have to say that she looks great. It's all the healthy, God-fearing living, I guess. Shannon is memorable for not wanting to pose nude. She has apparently become a folk hero amongst virgins for her high moral standards. She tells us that she wants to be not just a model, but a role model. I can't believe this lady has actually had a career.
And then. You guys, I can't even take it. In walks fucking Alexandria "Ugh, Worst" Everett from Cycle 16. Tyra hates us. Alexandria wastes no time in telling us that some of the things she said last season got "misconstrued," and she wants to set that record straight. Can't she do it somewhere else? Though it didn't seem possible, her face has gotten even more bulbous. Angelea is like, "Bitch, please." 716, you speak the truth.
Without further ado, there is Tyra Mail! "Welcome back Top Model All Stars! You know y'all want the best bed... so go get it! Fierce and Love, Tyra." Okay, number one: "fierce and love." I repeat: fierce and love. Number two: I kind of appreciate the clear indicator that, despite their all-star status, these bitches are going to be wading through the same raw sewage as in olden times. Check your dignity at the door, ladies! Brittany and Lisa end up in a room together and jump around with evil glee like Rumpelstiltskin at the merest prospect of all the trouble they're going to get into.
Jay Manuel enters and everyone has family reunion fun times with him for just a minute. He tells the girls that they were chosen because they're fan favorites. AU CONTRAIRE! To wit: Alexandria. She's nobody's favorite! He adds that they're still talked about today. Well, TODAY, when they're on the TV screen. Yesterday, I will tell you concretely that I had no memory of anyone named Shannon. Jay reminds them that this competition is about way more than modeling -- it's about star quality. To begin to ferret out who has it and who doesn't, they're going to have their first photo shoot right now, in their backyard. The photographer for the day is Celeste Canino, who wears a singular pink feather in her hair. For the shoot, the girls will portray outsized versions of their already outsized Top Model personas. Jay tells them to sell it, mogul-style.
They open the back door and discover the world's biggest lanai, but with no cheesecake to enjoy. Instead, there are hair and makeup and lighting people all around the big old pool. A hairstylist comes at Bianca with red clip-in extensions, and she begins what I guess is her second meltdown of the episode so far. Kayla reminds us that Bianca is known for being a giant stank beeyotch, and to wit we flash back to Bianca telling someone that she's borderline plus-size. She chased that remark with, "Check your thighs in the mirror." She's a verbal warrior, people. Do not stick a toe in her arena. As Kayla confirms that the bitch came out as soon as the red extensions were in sight, we head to commercials.
When we return, Bianca is still quite upset. Isis tells her to buck up, and not complain. Bianca explains to us that she's trying to be a better person, and in fact wants to be a lady. She's been trying her best, talking about the rain in Spain for hours now. Bianca puts on a half-hearted smile when she meets up with Jay, who reminds her that she initially came to the competition with the red highlights. Her persona is "loud and sassy," which is code for "stank." Celeste tells us that Bianca wasn't giving her a real "model" vibe, and felt a bit amateurish in her posing. But...her legs are just so long! How can anything that she does be wrong? Allison is , with the persona of "quirky doll." She holds a giant lollipop, as quirky dolls are wont to do. She tells us that she's usually the one behind the camera now, with the art directing, and it's hard to get back into the modeling routine. Something tells me she'll do just fine.
"Ghetto fabulous" Bre is up , in some shiny-ass purple pants. She tells us that Top Model launched her career, and she's booked national and international campaigns. She's signed to an amazing agency that shall not be named, and tells us that she's here to see if she's still got it. She doesn't even mention any individually wrapped food items, and actually seems quite chill. Dominique is , with the persona of "masculine/feminine." We don't see more than three seconds of her shoot, so I assume that she's fine. Camille's persona is "diva," and she tells us that when she left Top Model she signed to an agency in Milan and worked with some fabulous designers. She admits that she has a little diva inside her, and adds that there are times when she can be extremely fierce. Somewhere in an attic there's a video clip of a lady doing a signature walk, and she gets older with each runway pass. Camille has not aged a day, I tell you.
Kayla spots a big gay pride flag on the wardrobe rack, and assumes correctly that it's for her. Her persona is "proud lesbian," and she reminds us of her dream to be the first openly gay top model winner. Brittany is with the persona of "party girl," and she opens her mouth real wide just like Janice Dickinson taught her. Jay tells her to add even more party, and Brittany requests a cocktail. She might try falling into the pool. Brittany tells us that since Cycle 4, she started a "medical spa kind of thing" in Hollywood. Sounds... healthy? She's also still modeling and hosting. Or doing a "modeling hosting kind of thing." Brittany hopes to establish a phenomenal career kind of thing.
we have Laura, doing it up fishing hole style in her "country cutie" persona. If there are two things that Laura knows how to be, they are country and cute. Her body looks slammin', too. Alexandria shoots , as the "tough California girl." I thought her persona was more "narcissistic personality disorder." She growls, which either proves that she's tough or that she's a jerk. Isis tells us that, looking around, she realizes this is a complicated situation, because these girls are hot. But when it comes to hotness, Isis ranks. She takes off her robe to reveal a bikini, which she is rocking. Her persona is "confidence," which is really not a persona. Confidence is to persona as "rain on your wedding day" is to irony. Isis has been doing a lot of motivational speaking since the show aired, and has traveled the country. She's here as living proof that, even when you have to go through a whole bunch of stuff, you should follow your dream. She really looks fly as she tooches her booty skyward.
Sheena is , with the persona of "Harlem but not hoochie." I don't know, she's kind of hoochie. She does her best Jessica Rabbit impression, to the delight of Jay and the crew. Angelea's persona is "girl from the hood," and she's got the fur vest to prove it. Seriously, she looks like one of the Mob Wives right now. Then there's Lisa D'Amato, whose persona is "wild child." She rubs bubbles all over herself and then does a jumping split, landing in the foamy pool. I think that's disinfectant they have in there.
And then we have Shannon. She confers with the wardrobe folks about her persona, which is "angelic," and instantly asks if she's going to be wearing underwear. The wardrobe person shows her what they have planned, and Shannon says, "I just don't know about this whole business." She says "business" like my mom does, in her signature quote of, "Stop giving me the business." Shannon asks if there's anything they can add to it, because she really doesn't shoot underwear. The only time, in fact, she has done a shoot in underwear was on her season of Top Model, under great duress. That's not how she wants to be portrayed, and she says that she's not going to do something that she's uncomfortable with. The wardrobe lady has a big ole pair of granny bloomers, which she says they will put on over Shannon's bathing suit. Shannon then says that she'll wear a bathing suit -- she just won't wear underwear over it, because she doesn't wear underpants outside. Even though the underwear is five times the size of the bikini bottom. This is the kind of logic that leads me to believe that Shannon is a Tea Party enthusiast.
Shannon walks out to Jay, who says that she's all angelic on top, but the bikini bottoms kind of throw it into Skankville. He notes that the outfit has bottoms to it, which are designed to cover her up more. MORE! Shannon says, "Yeah, it was lace. It looked like underwear." Jay points out that it looked like lace, because it was made of lace, but didn't look like underwear. Shannon gets upset, and tells us that Jay is always trying to get her to do something that she doesn't want to do. Sensible things, even, which are the worst things of all! Jay points out that the lace garment is in fact shorts, and seems confuzzled that Shannon would rather wear an itty bitty bikini bottom. Shannon is crying, and tells us that she has a great career and doesn't want to be pressured. Her agents in Chicago apparently honor her thrilling absence of logic, and Shannon tells us that she is who she is, and will always be that way, and would rather leave than compromise her nonsensical morals.
After a break, we rehash the scene, and Shannon tells Jay that what makes the bikini bottom okay is that it's a bathing suit, which you would wear to the beach, as opposed to underwear, which are only for her husband to see. Now, come on. You know those two crackers do it through a hole in the sheet. Jay points out to us what we already know -- that the bikini bottoms leave less to the imagination. He thinks that Shannon is still "confused." And also an idiot. With that, the shoot is over.
Jay gathers the girls to drop some knowledge. They're going to meet with the judges, who will critique their photos. But there's a twist. The judging will be at Nokia Plaza L.A. Live, in font of a ton of fans. Live public judging! It's sort of like a public execution, but with more swagger. And speaking of swagger, Nicki Minaj will be the guest judge! The fans file in, and the girls start to get nervous. The Jays greet the crowd, and Jay Manuel says that for this cycle they listened to the fans and brought back their all-time favorite cast members. Again: lies. He then introduces the woman who started it all, Miss Tyra Banks. She's wearing a Fozzie Bear hat, and looks shockingly non-glam. Her wig has split ends. I don't know how that happens. Tyra then introduces Nicki Minaj, who is apparently a huge Top Model fan. The regular old judges come out . There's Nigel, who has hair again. It gives me the shivers. And of course there is Andre Leon Talley, who just came from auditions for an all-wizard production of The Music Man. I would actually pay at least $80 to see him sing "Marian the Librarian."
Lisa is first to come out for judging. She's wearing a Mad Hatter hat and tie-dye belly top. She actually gets a fair amount of cheers from the audience, and does a jumping kick to remind us how craaaaazaaaay she is. Lisa talks about how she's doing music, and her stage name is La Puchinetta. Nicki looks unimpressed, but she likes saying "Puchinetta." Lisa's photo gets loud cheers, from Lisa. She requests that the crowd show her some love, and they reluctantly oblige. Upon Lisa's jumping-split pose, Nigel says that Lisa is showing a lot more than love in her picture. Nicki doesn't like Lisa's weirdly hunched shoulder but thinks that otherwise she rocked it. Lisa is so happy to hear this positive feedback that she goes into a split right on the stage. Great, now they're going to have to disinfect again.
Allison is , and is feeling a bit nervous since her encounters with the runway usually lead to disaster. She gets a lot of love from the crowd, without even having to beg for it, and Nigel coins her outfit as being very Little Bo Peep. ALT loves it, and thinks that this is one of the most original presentations of personal style that he's ever seen. He thinks it's brilliant. Allison's photo is great, of course, and Nigel tells her that she's always been one of the most photogenic people. Nicki Minaj says that she would stop on this page in a magazine. Allison is adorable about it all, and also does nothing stupid or embarrassing. She is a true anomaly on this show.
up is Angelea, who gets applause from Nicki just for doing her crazy little runway dance. We flash back to Angelea doing the Hammer dance for Nigel on the subway, and him being terrified. He still has PTSD. Angelea tells Nicki how much she loves her, which doesn't seem to hurt anything. Her photo is pretty great, and even incorporates a finger wave. ALT is glad to see her, loves what she's wearing at the judging, and thinks that she is projecting Beverly Hood. Camille is , and stomps on the runway. Nigel tells her that her signature walk hasn't changed. Camille mistakes this for a compliment, and says, "Thank you, Nigel." The crowd responds well to Camille's photo, and Nigel likes that it shows a softer side. ALT calls her divalicious, and Tyra is envious of Camille's perfect legs.
we have Dominique. We are reminded that she once said, "You can't put a price on all of this," all of this being, "pret-ty." Tyra prompts Dominique to reveal that she just had a baby girl, and Nigel commends her on looking so fly in this context. And also for actually having ovaries, despite some doubts. Nigel doesn't see the masculine side of Dominique's "masculine/feminine" photo, but loves it nonetheless. Nicki Minaj thinks that it would be sexy to a man and a woman. up is Shannon, who seems happy that five people in the audience remember who she is. Tyra seems amazed that Shannon, who appeared on the very first cycle of this show, is not yet in a nursing home. When Shannon's photo appears, there are gasps from the crowd. Because she's wearing such a teeny bikini bottom! ALT thinks that it's beautiful, and loves the innocence and confidence. And then for some reason Nicki Minaj starts speaking in a fake British accent, to tell Shannon that she's still holding back. Tyra brings up the fact that Shannon refused to wear the lace granny panties over her bikini bottoms, and Shannon explains that the granny panties were too underwear-like, and then Nicki Minaj polls the audience as to whether they think that Shannon's bikini bottoms look like underwear. They clearly do, because, duh. Shannon does a weird little dance, because Dame Nicki has thrown her off just that much.
And then it's time for Alexandria to take the stage. There are voluminous boos, which were probably added in postproduction, and then someone yells out, "Hey Alex, fuck you." This man is heroic in the manner of that guy who threw his shoe at George W. Bush. It's a crass gesture, and yet he has harnessed the will of a nation. Someone -- perhaps the same guy -- calls Alexandria a bitch as well. A tearful Alexandria interviews that she thought she got away from the high school drama, but now she's getting it from fans, too. It hurt her feeeeelings! When she was trying to have a special moment as a testament to her specialness! Feel the sadness as we head to commercials.
When we return, we get to relive the moment, and Alexandria tells us that the judges couldn't hear all the name calling that she was subjected to. She tried to numb out the voice and focus instead on showing her sheer shirt off to its best advantage. Nicki does not care for Alexandria's photo, though she says that Alexandria is beautiful in person. Nigel agrees that the shot does nothing, and adds that he knows Alex can take a good photo. Sheena is up , wearing a vintage bedazzled jumpsuit. It's a good choice for her, because it's interesting and not slutty. ALT loves it. Nicki does not believe Sheena in her photo, and adds that it's a bit amateur. Sheena's challenge, according to Tyra, is to bring the feisty, sexy, amazingness that she has in person to celluloid. Or pixels. Whatever.
Brittany is , and enters to a whole bunch of screaming of her own creation. She yells, "It's Brittany, biiiiiiiiitch!" Tyra looks vaguely scared, while ALT looks as if he's lost faith in humanity. Nicki thinks that Brittany nailed her photo and adds that she'd just like to see some extension in the legs. ALT apparently refrains from comment, and is off camera clutching his wizard-pearls. Isis is , and it sounds like she enters to lots of cheering. Tyra reminds everyone that Isis was born in the wrong body, and notes that she has since created the right one. Isis turns to the crowd and asks, "And how does it look you guys?" People apparently think it looks okay. There are gasps and hoots when Isis's photo comes up, primarily due to the fact that it looks like her new body is capable of levitating. ALT deems her the new mermaid for the 21st century, and Nicki is a fan as well.
Bianca emerges , looking fly in her teeny flouncy skirt. Tyra notes that Bianca has been working up a storm, and says that she's undergone a serious transformation from hood girl to...whatever she is now. Bianca tells the panel that she's 22 now, and she's trying to be a lady. I just love that "lady" is her conceptual goal. She's like Fancy. Tyra points out that the hood girl will always live inside of Bianca. And sometimes she'll claw her way up to Bianca's mouth and scream something mean at somebody. Nigel thinks that Bianca's photo is stunning, and says that for some odd reason it looks like a vintage picture. ALT thinks that it's TOO vintage, and tells her it reminds him of Foxy Brown. Bianca is all smiles and thank yous, because of how she's so ladylike now.
Bre comes out , looking every bit the cool, casual girl in her loose blue pants and white tank top. She tells the panel that she's been working as a professional model for the last six years. If you check out her Wikipedia entry, you will be impressed. Nicki asks Bre why she cut her hair, and Bre says, "Because the check looked good enough." Now that is logic you just can't argue with. Nigel jokes that he grew his for the same reason, and adds that he's rocking an all-star weave. He's like a doddering old uncle now, isn't he? It must be something to be the Randy Jackson of America's Top Model. ALT is not in love with Bre's photo, and says that it's cliché and can be done by anyone. Nicki Minaj is still obsessed with Bre's hair, and says that if she's going to go short, she should also go sleek. Everything else, however, looks dope. Bre doesn't seem to have much reaction to anything, which leads me to believe that "because the check looked good enough" is the philosophy that has led her to be with us today.
Kayla is , and announces to the crowd that in her photo she is portraying a supergay. ALT loves her face in the photo, but not the fist. He will have no fisting in his salon. Nicki loves Kayla's dress, shoes, and sexy legs, but nothing else. So, basically, good job wardrobe people and God. Better luck time, Kayla. Standing on the runway, it must be said, Kayla looks some kind of gorgeous. Laura is up , and emerges to the biggest reaction we've heard so far. This makes sense, as she is clearly uber-lovable in all of her drunken, cow-castrating glory. Tyra notes that Nicki is all about fashion, and suggests that she ask Laura about the origins of her outfit. Three words: Grandma Wanda Sue! Would you not give one arm for Wanda Sue to appear on Project Runway? I'd pair her with Bert for a challenge in which you have to make a three piece collection using only animal by-products. Nicki tells Grandma Wanda Sue to holla at the kid. She does not, however, put in any orders. Laura's fishing photo is the greatest. ALT tells her that she takes Hee-Haw and makes it high fashion. He also thinks that the House of Wanda Sue is rocking for her.
And that's everybody! The girls take another pass on the runway in front of the fans. Sadly, no one yells anything else mean to Alexandria. Everyone lines up, and Tyra announces that fourteen beautiful young (HAHAH) ladies are standing before her, and that for this cycle of America's Top Model they're looking for something extra special. And thus, not only photos but personalities are being judged, including how the girls worked the crowd, and how the crowd responded to them. Their potential to be America's Top Model All-Star will be taken into account, which means that they've already determined who the winner is, and these twelve weeks will be an enjoyable exercise in futility. Tyra then says one of my favorite things she has ever uttered: "We will continue this judging... in private chambers." ALT starts to give the best reaction as soon as she says "chambers," but the shot is cut before we see the full extent of its conclusion.
The Jays ask the crowd to stick around so they can chat with them a little about who they did and did not like, and we see the results of their man-in-the-crowd interviews. A young lady named Tiffany tells Jay that Allison has been her favorite for a long time. Someone else with poor judgment likes Alexandria, a pigtailed lady prefers Bianca, and a young, lovestruck dude is all about Isis. And then Jay talks to one particularly animated guy who says, "Alexandria needs to go home. I hate her. Even though I love her, I hate her too." It is unclear whether he is the same person who yelled mean things at her. Backstage, Alexandria says that she didn't think that people would stop talking behind her back, but she didn't think it would all happen in such glorious relief tonight. She's shocked -- and dismayed -- to know that the fans have weight in the judges' decision. She says that one negative person who doesn't know her could end up sending her home. But all of Top Model fandom has actually elected that guy a representative. I stand behind the process.
After a break, we are in the judges' private chambers, where they deliberate fiercely. Nigel loves Allison's whole package, and adds that she photographs extremely well. The crowd at L.A. Live also deemed Allison their all-time favorite. I do generally have some questions about the integrity of the data collected, as well as the analysis, but I can see this being true. Angelea is a beautiful girl, according to Nicki, and Nigel thinks that her look is more together now than it was a few years ago. Nicki hates Kayla's weird arm thing, but Tyra notes that Kayla took some of the most amazing photos during her cycle. She's a fan. ALT loves Laura, and says that there's a market for her. Tyra notes that there's something about Laura that just makes you want to hug her. It's true! ALT thinks that Brittany could dial it down, and is rather abrasive. Nicki sees his point, but adds that she lights up the room. His facial expressions show that ALT is not having it. Tyra says that there were no comments in the audience poll -- either positive or negative -- about Brittany. Even after she kept screaming up there! This does not bode well.
ALT thinks that Lisa's photo was a bit too Girls Gone Wild. Nigel says that it's very in your face, but is not a pretty picture. Shannon still has a great look and is very commercial, but Nigel says that she's confused and wonders what was up with the granny panty issues. Tyra, however, defends a fellow virgin by saying that Shannon is Miss Chaste, and is working it. ALT loved Sheena's jumpsuit, and Tyra notes that she was mentioned in a lot of audience interviews. No one says a word about her photo. Nigel says that Camille's signature walk, combined with her abrasive attitude and snooty/pompous air, is all wrong. And yet it's just the right amount of wrong. Tyra notes that Camille was pretty quiet, but she remembers her like it was yesterday.
ALT thinks that Bre's photo was dreckitude. Bre in person, however, was wonderful. He can see her be able to host a show or thrive in a medium that takes her beyond modeling. Tyra points out that Alexandria has strong polarity, and that some fans were booing her. Nicki wants to bone Dominique, and Nigel says that she's a role model for a lot of moms out there. I guess that's just because she still looks fly after popping out two babies. Isis is very hip and cool, and Nigel thinks there's a real star in there. Tyra notes that she had good fan ratings as well. Bianca has confidence, authority, and sass, according to ALT. Tyra is proud of Bianca, because she used to be even more stank than she is now. And with that, the judges have made their decision about which all-star will be shot back into the galaxy.
Fourteen lovely young moguls stand before Tyra, but only thirteen will remain in the running towards becoming America's Top Model All-Star. There are prizes. We know who the judges are. Tyra calls Isis first, which means that she has the best photo of the bunch. Allison is called , followed by Camille, Lisa, Angelea, Laura, Bre, Bianca, Shannon, Dominique, Sheena, and Kayla. That order makes absolutely no sense. What does make sense is that Brittany and Alexandria are in the bottom two. Tyra likes Brittany's photo, but says it's not super strong. Also not super strong is the fact that the crowd didn't find her memorable. And then there's Alexandria, who was booed. That made the judges wonder if they made a mistake. YES! But Alexandria stays, because of the new word that Tyra is teaching her now: polarity. The opposite of love, says Tyra, is not hate. It's indifference. Tyra Banks, the human thesaurus. She adds that when you have people that love you, and people that hate you, that is the definition of a true star. People that hate Tyra Banks: you are only making her more famous! She's got you, again. Tyra tells Alexandria that she might want to add a few more notches in the "love" column while still holding on to her fire.
Tyra hugs Brittany and says that the great thing is that she has a career and a business kind of thing. She's an entrepreneur, which Tyra is all about. Be the CEO of your life, ladies! If I were actually to hire a CEO of my life, I'd probably interview me, but hire someone with better organizational skills. Brittany is shocked about her elimination, and sarcastically wonders if she should have peed in a diaper to help people remember her. She thought she was going to go far in this competition, but alas. Brittany disappears from the compiled group photo, which oddly enough features a kiddie pool. That intern must have had a great time learning Photoshop!
Coming up: Drama! And ambulances!
Potes is taking applications for the CEO of her life. You can apply by tweeting @traciepotes or emailing potesypotes@gmail.com.