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Ugliest season ever! We start, as usual, at L.A. finals week as girl after suspect-looking girl shows her stuff to Tyra and the Jays. And seriously, these girls are not lookers (see: Furonda). We cut from thirty-two to twenty, and then to thirteen. Convincing sob stories guarantee New Orleans "Nose" Wendy and Nigerian "Actually Pretty" Nnenna each a place on the show, but Dani the racist Texan, chosen for her uncanny ability to shit-start, and "Dr. Yvonne," who is, in fact, a doctor, aren't quite so lucky. The final thirteen move to the second hour and encounter our former favorite judge Janice Dickinson, who leads them through a mock press conference in which Nnenna makes a good impression, Jade makes an ass of herself, and Gina makes us wonder if she shouldn't be riding the bus with her sister. The girls move into their L.A. house and head out to dinner, where Gina gets wasted, but in more of a sad Betty Ford kind of way than a fun Lisa kind of way. Later, topless madness ensues in the hot tub, and Joanie offers to give someone a soggy $100 bill to catwalk naked around the pool. Joanie is all class. For their photo challenge, the girls must go "bald," and they freak out until they discover that it is baldness of the prosthetic variety. They all look like weird bedazzled aliens, and Kari wins the prize for largest head ever in the competition. When eliminations roll around, it comes down to Fugly Furonda and Kreepy Kathy from the mountains, both of whom, it must be said, are not genetically blessed. Like a mangy sacrificial lamb, Kathy's the one to go. And on a final note, you think Yaya was bad? Yaya was Jade lite. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Top Model is back baby! Tyra begins the show's opening montage of seasons by telling us, "America's Top Model is not just about beauty." Nor, are we to soon learn, is it about beauty at all. Let Season 6, whose theme appears to be, "This is your fantasy, if your fantasy involves lots of homely girls," begin!
We cut to LAX, where the semi-final thirty-two girls are arriving. We first meet Sarah, twenty-one, from Davis, California, who has no modeling experience but thinks she'll do just fine anyway, and Danielle, twenty, from Little Rock, Arkansas, who will not rest until she gets into the Top Model house. A small break separates good from evil as we meet Dani, eighteen, from Spring, Texas. Dani's entire life has been a dream, she says, because she cheerleads at football games and has so many friends. As we are to learn, however, Dani's perception of reality is a bit distorted, so I wouldn't take her word for any of that. , Kathy, twenty, from Brevard, NC, says that she has just taken her first plane trip to come to the semi-finals. With that, God finally got to see what he had created close-up. And then, He wept. Kathy notes that people really do look like ants from high up above. Kathy, from ground level, looks like a fifty-year-old whore.
Several girls chat in the airport van to their hotel, and discuss their experiences auditioning. The aforementioned Dani shows her aptitude for statistics by spontaneously disaggregating the data from her audition, noting that the girls there were 95% black. Her van, which is populated by two African-American girls and one girl of Asian descent, is rife with "No she didn't" looks. One of the African-Americans, who we will learn later is Furonda, says, "I mean, what's your point, though?" Dani says her point is just that there were a lot of black girls. You know she wanted to say "coloreds." In an interview, Dani says that she has her opinions, and tries to stay committed to them. In her audition video, she calls herself an "uber-conservative Republican hardcore Baptist." She does not like gay people, Muslims, abortions, or anything liberal. So then she's okay with the super-conservative Muslims, I guess, and will be joining the jihad at any moment. Furonda says that Dani is not going to make her become "the angry black woman." At this point, Dani is making me an angry black woman.
Quick flash of the Rose Bowl, where I saw Cher in her penultimate concert! Follow this, bitches!
The girls arrive at their hotel, which appears quite opulent. Several of them yell, "Shut up!" which I immediately yell back at them, to no avail. Andrea, nineteen, of Geneva, Ohio, says that she's one ball of emotion. She is not kidding. Wendy, twenty-two, of New Orleans says something, but I am too transfixed by her nose to be able to remember what it is. And then we meet Jade, twenty-six, from New York City, who says that everybody thinks she's very down to earth and cool with great style. She adds that she's very intimidating to a lot of the girls. If you've seen the episode, you know that Jade sucks.
The two Jays emerge. I am so sick of them. They look the same as they always have. If you put Mr. Jay on top of J. Alexander's shoulders they would look like a performance art interpretation of candy corn. Jay tells the girls that, right off the plane, they're going to be given their first challenge. A red carpet is rolled out. The girls are told that they will have three minutes to fashion an outfit out of their own clothes which best evokes one of three walks originally done by Tyra in various fashion shows. Tyra looks good in the clips, but then again they are from twelve or thirteen years ago. The walks are 1) sultry/sexy; 2) sophisticated; 3) young, virginal, and upbeat. I think that ancient cultures began to sacrifice virgins because they couldn't take how peppy they were. Jay tells the girls to get going, and Kathy, standing in the hotel courtyard, immediately drops her skirt. Jay explains to her that they actually will get to go inside first. This is our first, but far from last, clue that Kathy is a dumb-ass.
Inside, the girls change. Clothes are flying, bits are exposed (but not well enough for us to really see). Jade thinks quite highly of her outfit and herself, and attempts a sexy walk. Her outfit is cool, I must admit. Gina, twenty-one, from Odessa, Florida, who is Asian-American, also attempts a sultry sexy walk, as do several other girls. Furonda wears a wig. Which makes me ask, if you are not Dolly Parton or Cher, why would you just have a wig in your luggage? are the virginal walkers, including "Dr. Yvonne," twenty-seven, of Surfside, Florida. Dr. Yvonne is, in fact, a doctor. She has a fierce walk, and also gives a fierce pap smear. Sara, who we met at the top of the episode, says that she tried to walk in a sophisticated manner and tried to hit a fierce pose, but she doesn't really know what said fierce pose would really look like. Sara does not appear to be used to heels, which makes sense, since she is 6'1". When I first saw Sara, I didn't think she was all that pretty, but she soon became a lot better-looking by comparison with the others. Kathy wears a cute dress on the runway and has her hair up and looks a little better. Or maybe it's that I just can't really see her face.
Jay says that the girls generally need a lot of work to make it to the final thirteen, but some of them did look pretty good. He names Dr. Yvonne the winner. Yvonne says that she is going to bring everything to the table, including a pair of forceps. Additionally, Yvonne is not pretty. This season should really be ashamed of itself.
Joanie, twenty-four, is from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, which is not all that far from my hometown. In high school, I was friends with an exchange student from Japan whose English was really limited when she first came to the U.S. but improved a lot in the year she was here. Toward the end of her stay, we were driving along with some other friends near Beaver Falls, and she busted out with "Smells good in Beaver County." It was her first gross joke in English. As you can imagine, we were very proud. In any case, Joanie says that she feels like a fat fourth-grader who was picked last for the dodgeball team. Joanie might be pretty, but her psycho eyes make it difficult to say for sure. Commercials.
When we return, the girls have just finished breakfasting and appear to be playing patty-cake. Maybe they're working off the excess calories from that second saltine. It was, after all, quite an indulgence. The Jays return and tell the girls that Tyra couldn't be with them, but that they have a taped message from her. The girls are disappointed. I am not, because it is clearly a fake-out. Tyra is actually there and has much love showered upon her. Tanika, twenty-three, of Buffalo, New York, is excited. Tyra says that she looked at all of their tapes, and that making it this far is quite an accomplishment since producers received tens of thousands of audition tapes this season. Tens of thousands of tapes and this is the best they can do? Some poor intern totally just picked thirty-two tapes out of a giant bin and set the rest on fire. Leslie, eighteen, from Higley, Arizona, says that Tyra looks like a perfect mannequin doll and is even more gorgeous in person. Leslie is pretty hot. She asks Tyra if she'll do the catwalk for them. Tyra does and shakes her booty, which starts a booty-shaking revolution from all the girls. Shkita, twenty-four, from Los Angeles, who looks like the "feed me or I'll kill you" head of that weird three-faced baby doll, notes that they're in the competition now, and says not to talk to her. I will oblige, if only because it means I won't have to look at her either. Seriously, you guys.
Now it's time for the girls to go before the tiny panel of Tyra and the Jays. Sara -- who we've seen quite a bit of, if you ask me -- is first. She just graduated from Georgetown, and happened to be at the mall when ANTM auditions were taking place. Someone approached her about auditioning for the show, so here she is. Sara may win, or at least be in the final four. She's 6'1" and athletic, and notes that being so tall had an effect on her when she was growing up. I am a lofty 5'9" and always felt like a gangly giant, so I feel for her. Her nickname is "Glamazon." She seems totally nice and normal, and has a slammin' bod. Sarah has always wondered if she'd have potential as a model. After she leaves, Jay notes that she might be too tall, and Tyra agrees that designers usually cast girls who are between 5'9" and 5'11". But there is a model named Oluchi Onweagba who is 6'2" and gets lots of work, so anything is possible.
is Furonda, twenty-four, from Stuttgart, Arkansas. Bitch is rough-looking. We find out that she used to be a phone-sex operator, and get a montage of her various phone-sex voices (black and beautiful, valley girl, dominatrix, big and beautiful), all of which, in my opinion, seem liable to kill any sensation in a person's nether regions for good. Furonda is wicked skinny. She thinks her ability to be a chameleon and portray different characters will be to her benefit. Well, she needs something to compensate for that face. Tyra says that she sees "it" in Furonda's face. Jay says that she looks like a praying mantis, which is a good thing in the world of fashion.
is Kari, eighteen, from Brookings, South Dakota. She wants to be a model so that she can get the hell out of South Dakota. ["Good thinking. -- Wing Chun] She knows crap about modeling, with the exception of Victoria's Secret. Kari is a little on the thicker side. She's cute, though. She has huge lips, a huge head, and all kinds of hair. Jay says that she looks like a Bratz doll, which is pretty accurate.
Then we have Dr. Yvonne, who lays on the "personality" really thick. We discover that she is, in fact, an emergency-room doctor. Miss J. pretends that he is choking so that Dr. Yvonne will come and give him the Heimlich. He spits out a bunch of white stuff, which is not at all against type. Yvonne explains that while being a doctor is okay, modeling is her passion. Tyra says that Yvonne has the type of look that the fashion industry loves right now. Fashion: giving hope to the ugly girls.
Speaking of, New Orleans Wendy is . Tyra wastes no time in asking Wendy about Hurricane Katrina and showing us footage of the city underwater. Very Special music plays. Wendy says that she did evacuate, but never though that she would have to leave her house and never go back. It is sad, but doesn't excuse the fact that Wendy is totally unattractive. God is going to strike me down one of these days.
[Poof!]
No, just kidding. Anyway, it gets worse: Wendy got out, but her parents were stuck in a car for two days. They were stopped on a bridge, and the last time she talked to her father, the water had risen on both sides of the bridge and he couldn't go anywhere. Tyra says she didn't know that, which I don't believe at all. She totally cast Wendy so that she could exploit her plight on ANTM and then feature her on future episodes of The Tyra Banks Show, which I find reprehensible but unsurprising. Wendy is, quite understandably, a mess. It is so wrong that they cast her on this show. She says that it's hard to stay focused, but that she's going to do what she has to do. She thinks her mom would be proud of her. Commercials.
We return to a weeping Andrea, nineteen, of Geneva, Ohio. She says that she is very close to her family and has never been away from them more than a day. She cries and cries and asks another girl to hug her really hard. Oh, I see where this is going, Boonville 2.0.
, Jade. She is an asshole and has bad skin. She says that people think she's a bitch when they first meet her on account of how self-proclaimedly beautiful and hot she is. But once they get to know her, they find out that she's cool. Or they would if they stuck around, which they don't, because she is, in fact, not cool at all. Jade speaks of herself in the third person and says that she has what it takes to become America's Top Model. She does have a good body but, as Jay notes, there is a corresponding lack of humility. Jade is the worst, maybe ever.
Then there is Gina, who says that there aren't enough Asian models out there. She says that she can break down that barrier, and feels the responsibility to do so. I would contend that she could actually chew down that barrier. Girl's teeth are HUGE. Gina says that she is wild, and would strip down naked if they asked her to. But then she says that her parents have "a thing" about that, so she's not really sure if she would go against her parents. Gina says that she's not into Asian guys, because they're so much shorter than she is. Tyra notes the contradiction in Gina's original sentiment of Korean pride and her prejudice against Asian men. If I were Tyra, I wouldn't try too hard to get to the bottom of it, because it's plain that Gina is just kind of an idiot. Gina interviews that she's not quite sure what happened, but suddenly contradictions just started coming out of her mouth. Perhaps they were lodged between her bicuspids. Gina shares her experience with the other girls, saying that she used to think she was strong, but one look at the red weave of death and she turned to Jell-O.
is Tanika, who says that she had a rough time growing up because her mother is white. Tanika was the only biracial girl living in the ghetto. She believed what her mother told her about the other nappy-headed girls being jealous, and implies that they picked on her because they didn't have good hair. Miss J., himself a nappy-headed woman, asks Tanika to define "good hair." She talks about kitchen and buckshots, and I don't know what that means. I don't think she gets that she insulted at least two-thirds of the panel. Tyra is on the fence about Tanika.
is crying Andrea, who grew up on a farm making wine. So, a vineyard, then? She says that her mom is her best friend and that her dad is her hero, and she cries every time she thinks about them because of how they're so loving and supportive. O...kay. Tyra asks if Andrea could handle being away from her family, and she admits that she's bound to cry a lot. We see her in a swimsuit, and she is problematically skinny. She also has little cuts and bruises and marks all over her legs, which is nasty. In an interview, she weeps and says that opportunities like this don't come to people where she's from. Like, I don't know, take a train somewhere then. Miss J. says that she needs to eat something besides grapes.
is Leah, nineteen, from Boca Raton, who sets up the crazy losers montage. You know the one: contestants we never see again do something stupid. Leah fancies herself the best go-go dancer ever and sets about proving it to the panel. There is some butt shaking. Someone appears to walk in like a cockroach while another girl hisses. Andrea shows us how she squashes grapes with her nasty, scabby feet. Note to self: find name of vineyard, do not buy wine, avoid choking on piece of toenail.
A moonwalking girl who seems like part of the crazy losers montage is actually Joanie from Beaver Falls. We learn that she is a preacher's daughter. She says that she respects her dad, and that he's a leader and a shepherd to hundreds of sheep. Joanie says that, growing up sheltered, you're bound to want to rebel, so she acted out. Tyra asks how, and Joanie says that she performed in some amateur nights at various strip clubs. Beaver Falls, indeed. And I have to say, I have no problem with stripping for money because, you know, we all have bills. But to do it for free is puzzling to me. Joanie also says that she was a cage dancer. Tyra notes that this appears to be specific rebellion against her father. Tyra asks Joanie to do her best stripping move, and Joanie asks the panel to clap along. Joanie interviews that her dad doesn't know about the stripping and the cage dancing and whatnot, but the Lord is the only one who can judge her. The Lord is like, "Bitch, get some self-respect." Joanie is totally going to shame her family.
is Leslie, eighteen, from Higley, Arizona. Leslie was my pre-show favorite, but now I don't know. She says that her grandparents had a huge influence on the way she was raised. She's Hispanic, so if she brought home a black guy, there would be problems. Tyra asks what would happen if Leslie brought home Miss J., and Leslie says that they don't have anything against black women, which makes everyone's day. Leslie says that she has a versatile look, in that she can pass for a number of different ethnicities. It is true. She walks in her swimsuit. I just have to tell you that I'm now on a totally full plane, and have just paused on a shot of Leslie's crotch. You don't realize how porny and embarrassing this show is until you watch it in public. Leslie has a tattoo that reads, "What nourishes me destroys me." It is the same tattoo Angelina Jolie has ["except I think Jolie's is in Latin" -- Wing Chun]. That's pretty lame. Miss J. says that Leslie has an "escort walk," and I don't know what that means. Jay notes that model Yasmeen Ghauri had the same type of walk, and she was a big-time model.
is Danielle, who tells the judges what she told us: she is not going home. She has a Letterman-sized gap between her two front teeth. But she has a more serious family tragedy. Her mom, whom she calls her rock, has rheumatoid arthritis, which means that her joints get swollen and deformed. She quite movingly tells how she's had to shower her mother, and how her mother feels bad about it, but that Danielle will do anything for her. She seems very devoted. The whole thing is pretty sad, but she's no New Orleans Wendy. Danielle says that the whole ordeal has made her stronger. In an industry in which you need tough skin, Danielle calls herself "an alligator without the bumps." That is what distinguishes her from Yaya. Oooh, disrespeito! Anyway, I like Danielle.
The girls go out to dinner, and for some reason, you can just tell that disaster is about to strike. We get a quick clip of Dani talking about how life in her conservative Republican Baptist bubble is perfect. Yes, until you get shot in the face. Someone asks Dani, "So what kind of racism do you have?" My diagnosis would be racism of the recurrent rectal variety. Dani quite charmingly says that affirmative action is the biggest load of crap she's heard in her whole life. Someone, who I think is Danielle (but I'm not sure because they all look alike) asks if she is serious. Dani counters that skin color doesn't mean anything. Danielle says, "What about Abercrombie and Fitch?" and notes that she worked at A&F and was the only black employee there. Then Dani totally starts to ask why black people would go to Abercrombie and Fitch. She is not kidding. Danielle is understandably offended and finger-waving ensues, during which Danielle tells her to watch what she says. Rebecca, nineteen, from Palo Cedro, California, says that Dani swears she's not racist, but that the way she continuously makes racist remarks makes the others wonder about that. Dani interviews that she's not one sugarcoat things, and won't apologize for offending somebody because she is not, in fact, sorry. Back at dinner, Dani asks why, for example, she would apply for a job at FUBU. My answer would be so that karma can have its way and let a whole bunch of black people kick her ass. Rebecca tells Dani that everyone else at the table is in agreement with Danielle, and Dani snits that nobody can tell her how she feels or say that she's racist when she knows that she's not. Danielle really, really hates Dani and will possibly kill her if they are in the house together. To which I say, please let them both get in the house! Commercials.
Nicole gets her "My Life as a Cover Girl" spot, and it must be said that she is about a thousand times prettier than anyone on Season 6. Maybe the whole thing is a ruse to make the past winners look better?
When we return, the girls are hanging out in the hotel, shaking their booties. Kathy says that she comes from a small town and wanted to get out and experience more of life. She says that she has never been dancing before. Kathy is from the town of Footloose, North Carolina. I mean, Jesus. The other girls teach Kathy how to drop her butt to the floor. The floor begs the janitorial staff to rent a carpet cleaner.
Speaking of Kathy, she's before the panel, and boy does she play up the hillbilly angle. I'm surprised she wasn't driven to auditions in a pickup truck with all of her relatives in the back, chewing on pieces of straw or tobaccy or something. Hoedown music ensues, and we see Kathy's audition video, in which she calls her own home trashy. Kathy lives at the latitudinal and longitudinal point that is exactly opposite from where the fountain of youth is. Also: my eyes!
And then, quite blessedly, Nnenna, twenty-four, from Houston, Texas, comes in to give us a respite from the ugliness. Nnenna is a chemist. When she was two, she and her family moved back to Nigeria, where she lived for twelve years. Nnenna has three sisters, and says that her father's family didn't like her mother because she was unable to produce a boy. They should hook up with Dani at some point. Her father pressured her mother to get pregnant again even though the doctor didn't recommend it, and Nnenna's mother died ten days after giving birth to her fourth and youngest sister. Her dad couldn't take care of all the children, so he put Nnenna and one of her sisters back on a plane to America to live with her aunt in Houston. Okay, Nnenna's story is totally up there with Wendy's. She says that she's always wanted to model, and that coming to America gave her hope. Tyra says that Nnenna reminds her of Iman. Nnenna interviews that her father wanted her to become a doctor, and she's not sure how he'll feel about her trying to be a model. She says that this is her only chance to get what she wants. She seems so sad and serious. I hope that she wins. I suspect that she might.
is Mollie Sue, twenty-five, from Tampa. Which is, coincidentally, where I am going! If Mollie Sue is any indication, it is the home of frail and boring people. Mollie was in some kind of sick-ass relationship for a long time, in which she didn't feel strong enough to take control of her own life. That's kind of nobody's fault but hers. She says that her boyfriend didn't want her to model because he thought it was shallow, but now that he's gone, there's nothing holding her back. ["Nothing but her very advanced age." -- Wing Chun]
is Shkita from Watts, California. She loves Mr. Jay and labels herself a ghetto black Barbie. She is so unattractive, I can't even express it in words.
Pretty in direct comparison with Shkita is Brooke, twenty-one, from Corpus Christi, Texas. She says that she's more of a hippie, and doesn't wear makeup, brush her hair, or wear shoes. She lost me on parts two and three, there. Brooke also loves airplane food. Tyra is with her on that, because Tyra loves all food. I heard she mistook her own Season 4 red weave for ribs with barbecue sauce and ate it. That must have been some nasty hairball she coughed up on the carpet. Brooke says that her biggest advantage is that she looks different than the other girls. Brooke looks different than all humans. Jay likes it, probably because he can envision her with lots of undereye concealer.
is stupid Dani, who has wasted enough of our time already. Tyra calls her on her shit, and Dani says that her audition comments about hating gays and stuff were just meant to get people's attention. Mission accomplished. ["And, I could have told you that. Pretending to be a gigantic bigot got her a free trip out of Spring." -- Wing Chun] Tyra and the Jays note that everyone who works in fashion is gay. Dani interviews that she's a cheerleader, so she knows about gays. She tells the panel that she has a moral obligation to her church, and that she doesn't "agree with" the gay lifestyle. Tyra wants to make sure that Dani knows what she might be getting into, and says that fashion is for everything that Dani is against. Dani quite hilariously says that she thinks people should have a more open mind, because you can't help where you were born and how you were raised or which seat on the bus is yours by divine right. The Jays are so not having Dani.
It's time for the first cut from thirty-two to twenty. The photos of the winners are in twenty makeup bags one room over. There's pandemonium as the winners and losers discover who they are. Commercials.
We return to continued pandemonium. The top twenty are the thirteen girls you've known were in for weeks from the UPN website, and seven others that you don't really care about. Andrea cries and rambles something about missing a plane. Jade -- who I forgot about for a really great moment -- acts like a jerk. The losers, who include Shkita Ghetto Barbie, cry but keep their collective chins up.
The Jays tell the girls that they'll have their first photo shoot tonight. It is a head-and-shoulders beauty shot, and they'll have to do their own makeup in ten minutes with the kits they received. They do, and then meet photographer Jay Lawrence Goldman, who tells them that they'll have a quick down-and-dirty shoot. They won't get any direction from him, and will have ten frames. Jade tells us that she thought she'd have no problem making it when she went to New York but, in fact, it was harder than she anticipated. Gee, I wonder why. Now that she's twenty-six, she thinks it's time that she be discovered. Jade tells the photographer that her side profile is good. The girls pose, talk about how much they want to win, and trash talk each other. Dani adds "armpits" to her list of prejudices. Armpits, affirmative action, and gays. Got it. Nnenna quietly says that Dani is pretty but doesn't look like a model, and that she doesn't expect to see her in the house. I feel like Tyra and the Jays saw that and were like, "Okay."
The girls wait around for the cut. Andrea cries some more. Meanwhile, Tyra and the Jays confer. Miss J. says that Andrea looks gorgeous in her photo and is a true clothes hanger. Tyra says that Andrea looks anorexic, and apparently this is proven by some arm skin hanging off of her bones. They like Sara pretty well, though they think she doesn't really know what to do with herself when posing. Jay says that Nnenna looks like Iman and Eddie Murphy's love child, and Tyra says that the fashion industry is obsessed with girls from Africa. Joanie's photos are great, which is a surprise to Tyra, who didn't think she was particularly modelesque in person. Danielle looks fierce but needs to lose the moustache. Mollie Sue is fierce but has no personality. Yes, Mollie Sue is that one. Look for a personality-based elimination in Episode 7. Miss J. says that an acting coach might help her. I actually think some meds might help her. Jay thinks that Kari is adorable and would make a good commercial model. Tanika is workable with a makeover. Dani's an asshole. Also, she looks like she should be in the PTA. Tyra says that Brooke has a face that is difficult for the American public to understand, but that the fashion world would love it. I can't believe we've just been talked down to by Tyra Banks, purveyor of many forms of crap. Leslie's pretty but needs work, and her ass could be a completely separate contestant. Someone please explain to me why this is a problem. Jade is an asshole but good for drama. Rebecca is pretty, but not necessarily a model. Tyra says that the camera loves Furonda, and Jay agrees that she could be walking in major runway shows. Really? I mean, really? I guess I can't understand Furonda's face either. Oh, to be a member of the public and ignorant of beauty. Gina has great cheekbones but is plain. She could look amazing if made over well, though, says Tyra. Dr. Yvonne was great in person, but her photos bite the big one. They love Wendy despite her beady rat eyes and complete lack of lower eyelashes. The judges like Kathy, who they call, "Katherine," and say that she has an interesting, European-looking face. Europe is affronted enough by that comment to institute a trade embargo on the U.S.
Time for the cut to the final thirteen! They are: Jade, Sara, Mollie Sue, Leslie, Joanie (who is wearing a freaking sheer black top circa 1991), Nnenna, Kari, Brooke, Danielle, Kathy, Furonda, Gina, and finally, Wendy. Tyra says that Wendy wasn't chosen for reasons of pity. I hope Wendy believes that, at least. The winners are excited. The losers are sad, and Tyra tells them that they all have great potential and blah blah blah, we're all winners. Andrea cries a lot. Dani seems like she could care less, probably because she got more ammunition for why black people are bad. The winners dance with Tyra. Lots and lots of jiggling. And with that, the first hour is over!
We begin Hour 2 in Pasadena, where the thirteen finalists line up before a big poster of Mr. Jay. Sara calls herself and her counterparts "lovely ladies," and says that she is excited. They have been showing a lot of Sara. But before I can muse on this fact for too long, Jay comes bursting through the poster of himself like a tiny orange football player from Gay High. Kathy says, "My heart dropped to the floor and I could not breathe," which is obviously a quote taken out of context from an interview about looking in the mirror for the first time. "We don't have these shiny things on the mountain!"
The girls drive to the Bel Age Hotel, and there Jay is again. Why couldn't he just tell them whatever he is going to tell them at their other hotel? Jay says that, in the world of modeling, the pretty gene is not enough. Oooh, burn, Season 5 Ashley! Jay adds that you also need a dynamic personality, and who better to instruct them in matters of personality than Miss Janice Dickinson! She enters, and the girls clap and scream, and then Janice yells, "That's all you got? That's all you got?" which I think is the same thing she did last year. She probably thinks it's the same day and is all, "I'll show that Lisa a thing or two!" We see some old clips, one of which is the time Janice sexually molested Tyra. That was a good day. Janice yells, "And you thought I was finished!" Jade interviews that they met Janice, "the world's oldest supermodel." Oh, how I wish she had said that to Janice's face. Jade would have been going home inside a pie crust.
Janice gives the girls a few pointers on finding the personality trait that distinguishes each of them from the other girls. Jay tells them that they have set up an impromptu press conference in which there is only one microphone at each table. The girls will have to figure out how to make themselves stick out in the minds of the "reporters" who are there. Gina is nervous because she can't speak very well in public. That seriously should be the least of Gina's worries. Janice yells, "Hit it, bitches!"
The girls enter the press conference room, where they are seated at two long tables, kind of like if they were answering phones for a telethon. Janice and Jay have apparently been teleported to the judging table. Furonda says that she strategically picked a seat close to one of the microphones, while Brooke says she was just nervous. Good vs. evil alert! Good vs. evil alert! Jay introduces the reporters. One of them asks to hear from the woman who truly thinks that she is the frontrunner. Several girls try to get into that game, including Furonda, who gets a few words out. But Danielle, who is nowhere near a microphone, loudly says that she would like to take that question. She gets super-aggressive when she has the microphone, saying that she wouldn't let any other girl answer. Except then Furonda does answer, and calls herself "the fierce, fabulous Furonda." Then, not to be outdone, Jade snatches the microphone from her and calls herself "the undiscovered supermodel." Okay, I get it. Tyra, as she often does, thought, "I'm not going to cast a black bitch this year...I'm going to cast three black bitches!" And then she goes through them like The Count from Sesame Street. "One black bitch! Mwah ha ha ha! Two black bitches! Mwah ha ha ha! Three black bitches! Mwah ha ha ha!" With a look of disgust on her face, Janice asks Jade what makes her so hot. Jade says that she's versatile and totally different, and Mollie Sue pipes up to say, "We're all going to have to take note of that." Jade tells Mollie Sue to shut up, and Janice quite helpfully gives the pointer that "zip it" is much nicer than "shut up." Noted. Zip it, Jade.
Another "reporter" asks who is the biggest fake, and Janice raises her hand, mugging that it's all about her. The same reporter asks how the contestants deal with the bitches. Brooke says that if you don't like her, you shouldn't bother with her, because she's not there to make friends, she's there to win. Janice snorts, "Good God, Brooke." It's awesome. I miss Janice ever so. Another reporter notes that Kari hasn't spoken at all and has her baseball cap pulled over her face. She takes it off and everyone says how gorgeous she is. Janice asks her to take her shirt off and then, ever the feminist, grabs her own boobs in an act of solidarity. A reporter asks the girls what their biggest fear is, and Kathy says that her middle name is "fearless." And that could literally be true. Another reporter tells her to get rid of her accent. Sara says that she tries to live her life with no regrets, and Janice yells, "Yawn." Sara apologizes. A reporter then asks who has sacrificed the most to get there today. Nnenna says that she believes she left the most behind, and that she always wanted to be a model, but had to support her family in Nigeria. She is dignified and elegant and Janice calls for a round of applause. Nnenna interviews that her strategy is to stay true to herself and not get so competitive that she loses sight of who she is. Nnenna is awesome.
Finally, Janice asks Gina how being an Asian woman factors into her determination to win the competition. Gina mumbles that she doesn't know how to answer that question. Janice throws up her hands. Jay points out that the first thing out of Gina's mouth in casting was that there aren't enough Asian models in the fashion industry. He asks why she wouldn't put that in the forefront in this situation. Gina says that she's twenty-one and doesn't know who she is and is having an identity crisis right in front of their eyes. Well, now's a fine time. Janice hates Gina. Nnenna interviews that Gina folds under pressure, and Gina herself admits that the press conference didn't go so well.
The girls are excused as the judges deliberate. In the waiting area, Jade notes that Gina has some insecurity about her race. Gina says that she's a Korean person and an American person and doesn't know which she is more of. I can get that, but the fact that Gina appears to be so dumb isn't helping this situation. As many people have pointed out, Gina is the anti-stereotype. Jade interviews that Gina isn't in touch with herself. And then because everything comes back to Jade, she says that she's "biracial, for God's sake" -- her father is black, white, and Indian, and her mother is "this really exotic white woman"-- and that she learned to live with it. Joanie quite astutely notes that Jade likes that Gina is afraid of her, and that overpowering someone else makes Jade feel strong. If Jade were a Garbage Pail Kid, her name would be Jerky Jade.
Janice and Jay emerge from the press conference room. Janice holds on to Jay's shoulders and says, "We were having sex!" For some reason, I laugh and laugh at that. Janice needlessly adds, "Just kidding!" and shows that she finds herself as funny as I find her by cracking herself up. Jay and Janice announce that the panel felt overwhelmingly that...Nnenna was the winner. Janice gives Nnenna a huge hug and says that she rocks. Nnenna feels very good about herself. She gets to pick three friends, and chooses Gina, Jade, and Sara. These girls get a head start moving into the house, which is a good advantage in terms of getting the room that you want.
The girls head to the house, which is gorgeous. Its theme is "ANTM Modeling Agency," and each room has a theme. For example, the "Twiggy Room" is '60s mod. Mollie Sue idolizes Twiggy and says that Twiggy is the reason she got into modeling. Nnenna gravitates toward the Iman room. Jade loves the glam Janice room and says that she envisions herself as Janice, because Janice "looks like an exotic biracial butterfly, much like myself." Jade, I know Janice Dickinson, and you are no Janice Dickinson. I bet Janice tried to crawl out of her window at rehab so that she could find Jade and sock her in the jaw. Wendy and Kathy like the cheery Christie Brinkley room. The last room is the "Top Model room," and is a collection of past ANTM contestants and winners. Furonda is in shock and awe at how her life has changed for the better. I am still in shock and awe that Furonda made it to the final thirteen. The house's courtyard is amazing and features a hot tub and pool. Several girls jump into the pool fully clothed and yell, "America's Top Model!" as we head to commercials.
When we return, the girls are heading out to dinner. They get lots of food and make a toast. Gina notes that it's been a long day, and that the stuff with Jade is getting to her. Someone opens a bottle of champagne, and the thing you know, Gina is wasted. The other girls laugh until they realize that she is (even more of) a bumbling idiot when drunk. She stumbles around. Kathy says that she's never seen someone so drunk before, and that it scared her. Kathy has obviously not been to college. The girls help an embarrassed and humiliated Gina into the car. She interviews that she's never going to drink alcohol again, which is a likely story. This is why Lisa was so great. She was all, "I'm drunk and I know it. Pass the bubbles!"
Meanwhile, back at the homestead, some hot-tubbing is occurring. Brooke is wearing a Run, Lola, Run wig, but in blue. At least I think it's Brooke. It's hard to tell with such a mysterious and effective disguise. The girls in the hot tub try to convince Kathy to get in naked. Kathy interviews that she saw boobies. To corroborate her story, we get footage of the ho- tub girls taking off their tops. Kathy says that she didn't fit in because she has none. Boobies, that is. Pink gold. Texas A-cup. Joanie -- who I think is leader of the Hot Tub Gang -- says that she'll give someone forty dollars to catwalk naked along the side of the pool. There is twittering. She says that she has a hundred-dollar bill in her wallet and will go get it. We see a shot of Brooke and her nice rack. Joanie interviews that she offered Nnenna the $100. We see Joanie in the pool waving the soggy cash around. See, that is just gross and unsanitary. The ANTM staffers should fill that hot tub with antibacterial Purell. Joanie gives stipulations for the walk: it has to be a Tyra-style sexy strut, and no covering of the boobies is allowed. Jade, who is enjoying a nice glass of shiraz, says that she'll do it with Nnenna and split the winnings 50-50. Joanie slurs, "Two for the money. Two for the show. Two to get ready. Now friggin' walk." But there is no friggin' walking to be had because Jade is full of shit. She says that she's worth more than a soggy $100 bill. She's worth a million dollars. Wouldn't it be awesome of Joanie pulled a million-dollar bill out of her g-string right now? She does not. She does, however, make chicken noises as she plasters the wet $100 bill to her forehead. Joanie interviews that Jade has a façade of strength, but that Joanie sees right through her. Seriously, Jade is a loser.
Tyra enters the house the morning. There is screaming. Tyra's face is screened onto a giant set of windows, like the big head from The Wizard Of Oz. You'd need a three-story house to adequately represent her forehead, however. Tyra congratulates the girls and tells them that each has a "unique beauty." I'll say. She does a Q&A with the girls. They ask about making facial expressions in the mirror and how to handle themselves in press conferences, and Tyra is silly and shakes her butt some more. Then out of nowhere, Furonda asks if Tyra has any tips for the girls who are going to be eliminated. Tyra is insta-pissed and says she doesn't give that kind of advice. Leslie interviews that Furonda is kind of the bad-ass of the house. And, because it can't be said enough, hideous. Furonda interviews that she's going to be the winner. She tells Tyra that girls have asked her that question, so she wants her to answer it for them. Tyra's all, "Shut up, beeyotch, or I'll swallow you whole like so many boneless ribs." Danielle interviews that no one asked Furonda anything, and that she's full of shit, and that Tyra could tell that she was full of shit. It's true.
Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail: "Let's cut to the chase." The girls puzzle it out and decide that it's makeover time. They arrive at the Warren Tricomi salon, where Jay Manuel greets them and says they're there for makeovers. He introduces a special guest, model Eve Salvail, who got her start with Jean-Paul Gaultier. We see photos of bald Eve. Foreshadowing! She actually looks better bald than with hair. She talks about how shaving her head gave her her big break. Jay tells the girls that there is a reason that Eve is there today. They're going bald. Cue chords of doom as we head to commercials.
When we return, Jay continues trying to fake out the girls, who appear quite concerned. But then Jay breaks the news that they'll be wearing bald caps. Eve smiles and claps, because, much like the irrepressible George Clooney, she loves a good practical joke. The girls head back to the studio, which is filled with bald mannequin heads. Eve says that posing with no hair may seem easy, but that it's not, because your emotions show through much more. The girls get bald caps put on and painted over with makeup. It does look pretty realistic. They are then decorated with Swarovski crystals. Kathy says that she likes her look, but that it's kind of freaky. She then says she looks like a penis with ears. When she poses, however, she looks like an ass with ears. It is not good. Jay asks for warmth, and then tells Kathy she looks like she just farted. Maybe that's how she interprets warmth. Jay, as usual, doesn't really give much helpful direction.
Leslie is . She has a really cute bald head, and Jay says that her posing is elegant and graceful. He just sat back and watched the magic happen.
Kari was and instantly went into "safe" poses. It also appears that her ponytail is hanging out of her bald cap.
Then, ugly Furonda. Jay says that he saw her practice in the mirror, which is a sign of a good, attentive model. However, in front of the camera, she was awkward and "didn't know her angles." In an interview, she calls herself the frontrunner. Jay notes that she didn't nail it.
Mollie Sue is and looks pretty, though she says she could have done better.
Sara, who reiterates that she had no modeling experience, does a great job. Jay gives her five and calls her fierce.
Danielle is and also does a great job. Jay tells her that she looks regal, and Danielle interviews that she doesn't know what "regal" means. Did she never endeavor to join Jack and Chrissie for a drink at the Regal Beagle, I wonder?
, Wendy. Baldness does nothing for Wendy.
Gina looked like a deer in headlights in her every frame. Jay tells her to put a thought in her head. No can do, Mr. Mandarin. Gina is not confident, say the other girls.
Brooke needs to pose so as not to emphasize her jaw. Geometry holds its breath for the undiscovered angle that could make Brooke's jaw not appear enormous.
Joanie didn't evoke any emotion, according to Jay, which is not a good thing.
Mollie Sue notes that Nnenna has been kicking ass and looks gorgeous bald. She jokingly asks what Nnenna's allergies are so that she can send her into anaphylactic shock. Nnenna is all, "A tragic history makes a person immune to allergic reactions." Nnenna is really being positioned as a frontrunner, and I don't know if that's a red herring or not. Jay says that she is so regal and elegant that when she walks into a room, you expect her to be America's Top Model. Hmmm.
And finally, Jade. She, of course, thinks she's going to be awesome. Jay tells her to soften it up a little, and adds that it's difficult to work with a girl who thinks she's a model already because she thinks she's got it. He says that everyone has missed Jade, and that maybe there's a reason. Jade calls herself a star, even though she sucked.
Tyra Mail! Eliminations tomorrow. Nerves abound. Gina is nauseated and hopes she'll have the opportunity to get better. Kathy thinks she did okay, but notes that someone's gotta go. She throws a "crap" in there, as you can imagine. Commercials.
In her second "My Life as a Cover Girl," we see Nicole do a Cover Girl shoot with another model. She loves Tru Blend powder foundation. It does seem that, at the very least, she's doing better than Naima.
We are led into judging by a photo of bald Tyra. The hair people on that shoot, of course, were glad that they could just let Tyra be in her natural state. The girls enter to very solemn music. Tyra reveals the prizes: a modeling contract with Ford, a spread in Elle Magazine by Gilles Bensimon, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. Same old stuff. Also the same old stuff are the judges: Nigel, J. Alexander, and Twiggy. Nigel is pervy, J. is annoying, and Twiggy is peppy and British.
Sara is first for review. Everyone oohs and aahs over her photo, and Twiggy says that she looks like a divine creature from another planet. Tyra makes more of the fact that they found Sara at a mall, and says that, in her opinion, it's one of the best photos in Top Model history. I don't actually see the greatness.
Then Danielle, who says she was nervous because she has dents in her head from getting it pressed when she was younger. I don't know if Danielle understands that she still actually has hair. She's all, "I'm the bald and the beautiful!" However, intelligence has no correlation with beauty, and the photo is slammin'. It's much better than Sara's. Tyra tells Danielle to watch her face angles, because she has a big-ass nostrily nose. Someone might have mentioned that to Pigford.
Jade's picture is striking, but not particularly magical. Tyra tells her to watch her bone structure, because she gets a little dragalicious. Her cheekbones are really something else. Miss J. mimics her face, and it's mean but funny. Tyra brings up Jade's arrogance at the press panel. Jade says that's not true, but even in this episode, there is plenty of arrogance to flash back to. And speaking of flashbacks, Jade says that she's very humble and down to earth. I think they cast Jade just to make Yaya look better. Nigel tells Jade that part of being humble is listening, but Jade talks over him and says that she's humble inside. Nigel says that being humble means not talking over the judges, and Jade finally gets it. She is truly the worst.
is Joanie. Twiggy is impressed by her eyes, and Tyra and Nigel are both surprised by how beautiful it was. Joanie is happy, but I think the subtext is that she's kind of ugly in person. She looks super-jowly in the photo. But I have a strong jaw and would look hella ugly bald, so I grudgingly give Joanie a wet million-dollar bill for her performance.
Then, Gina. Nigel says he knew her photo would turn out fantastic because she has great high cheekbones. It does look good. They don't mention her press-panel performance, interestingly enough.
Mollie Sue is . Her photo makes her look like Season 3 Amanda. Tyra tells her that even though this photo is good, her film in general was so-so, and she shouldn't mistake squinting for intensity.
Furonda is , and her photo looks crazy. Not crazy bad, just crazy. Twiggy and Tyra laud her eyes, but Nigel gives it to her straight and says that the photo isn't very good.
Wendy is , and...oooh. Wendy in profile is a bad scene. The judges note that she looks very sad in the photo, but Nigel likes it because it is, at least, an emotion of some sort. Wendy sadly thanks him.
Nnenna is , and she works it walking up to the panel, which is noted by Tyra. She does carry herself so well. Tyra notes that she was the challenge winner, and the judges clap. Her photo is fabulous, and the judges love it.
Then Kathy comes before panel, and Tyra says that the press panel folks noted that she has an awful accent and terrible posture. Tyra gives her a quick lesson in standing up straight. Kathy's photo lacks focused eyes, and Twiggy calls it a dead photograph. Tyra says it's sad because there is so much potential. Really, there is not potential, and Tyra just likes lying.
is Kari, whose head is HUGE. It's like an elongated bowling ball. I am not kidding. The baldness really emphasizes her giant features as well. Nigel says that she looks angelic, and Twiggy says she's got a great face. Tyra loves the picture.
is Leslie, who looks fierce, even though a hand seems to be coming out of nowhere and touching her right shoulder. I think it's her hand, but the way the photo is cut it looks crazy. The judges think it's very pretty, and Twiggy notes that she looks completely different in the photo, which is a good thing. Tyra tells her not to wear so much makeup to panel.
Last is Brooke, whose photo is horrible. J. says she looks like a manne-can't. Tyra tells her to figure out how to make her jaw look less enormous. This is becoming a theme. Commercials.
The judges deliberate. Nnenna is perfect and everyone loves her. Brooke's photo is terrible, but Twiggy says that she is better than her picture. Tyra says once again that the person on the street won't understand her face, but that her exaggerated features are what make her a great model. Danielle really stuck out to Nigel. Gina has dead eyes but great bones, and her personality is in question. Tyra also thinks that Mollie Sue has no personality, but Nigel thinks there's something sexy about her. Nigel thinks that there's something sexy about lemongrass. Kathy doesn't have a model's face, according to Twiggy, but Tyra thinks she photographs well. Miss J. says that Kathy is a hillbilly with a philosophy: that she can win the competition by being sweet, southern, and just a bit different. Miss J. calls Sara his 6'1" Scarlett Johansson. Twiggy says that she's divine. Tyra thinks Joanie is a model in her photos, even though she's kind of meh in person. Furonda's name is ferocious, according to Miss J. Tyra doesn't like the picture and Nigel misquotes, "Furonda! Call home!" Tyra buries her face in her hands. Nigel says that Furonda's photo is very alien. Leslie has beautiful eyes and is exotic, but her hands look a bit scaly, according to Miss J. Miss J. really needs to look in the mirror one of these days. Nigel, proving that misquoting is better than original quoting, says that Kari has gone "from Goldilocks to Baldilocks." I think he's drunk. Tyra says that Kari's eyes and mouth save her. Nigel likes Wendy's sadness, and Tyra explains to the panel about Wendy's situation. They are surprised. Twiggy asks if Wendy is strong enough to get through the competition. Tyra thinks she is. Twiggy charmingly says that Jade scared her. I feel you, Twigs. Miss J. says that Jade is a bit tranny, and that's why he loves her. Tyra notes that Jade's constant arrogance might mask some insecurity. No shit, Dr. Phil. Nigel says that if "conceited drag queen" is in, Jade might have a future in modeling. Tyra calls her La Jade. I call her La Cat Butt. Speaking of, Miss Itty says hi and that Jade is her alter ego.
The girls return, and we learn who is in: Nnenna, Sara, Leslie, Joanie, Kari, Danielle, Jade, Mollie Sue, Brooke, Gina, and Wendy. This leaves, of course, Furonda and Kathy. My television screen cracks in twain at having to see the two of them in close-up in one frame. Furonda is arrogant and ugly. Kathy is just ugly. But Furonda is likely to cause some drama, so she's in. You can' t spell Furonda without "F U." Tyra tells her to get some humility because she's all wrong, but she has potential to grow as a model. Kathy leaves with great sadness on the part of all, except the Gods of pretty. She says that she's very disappointed and didn't want to be the first to go home. It's just not her chance to shine. But, she says, she got this far and that's big. She adds that it's not the end, and that she's going to be on the cover of something, some day. Extreme Makeover magazine, perhaps? Au revoir, Kathy!
week on ANTM: Makeover Day! Jade loses her cool, and the house gains a prima donna. Jade helpfully points out that the "M" in ANTM doesn't stand for "best friend." At least she's better at spelling than Gina or Danielle!