So you know how the other week you were all, "Man, I really wonder what Cycle 1 Shannon has been doing these days?" Oh, what's that you say? You weren't really wondering that at all? And even if you were, which you totally weren't because you were too busy looking at Kathy's pictures on the Top Model Cycle 6 web page and quietly saying, "...Shut up," at your computer and looking around like someone was playing a trick on you, you could have found out the answer much more easily by going to the Top Model forums? Well, okay then. Never mind.
So I should preface this whole recap by saying that I was totally planning on doing an Extra on an episode of The Tyra Banks Show during the Top Model season hiatus. And the episode I had chosen was called "Transsexual Top Model," with special guest judges Janice Dickinson and Richie Rich and some Grace Jones-looking drag queen who taught Tyra all she knows and guest-starred on one of the earlier seasons. It was just like a regular episode of Top Model, except the contestants were prettier and more feminine, and Janice's opinion did kind of matter. This is all true. And it sounds awesome, right? But it wasn't. It was actually kind of depressing. Although the winner got a contract with the brand-new Janice Dickinson modeling agency, which is pretty hilarious. But anyway, I scrapped that, and then came along this special, and so here I am. And this wasn't all that exciting either, but I will give the folks at Top Model credit for giving us some blasts from the past and not just showing what the girls from Season 5 are doing, because we all know that they ain't doing shit.
We begin with footage from Nicole's victory. Tyra tells us that we've been through five competitions with no limits. If you mean no limits on to how low the show will stoop to entertain our lascivious desire for the humiliation of complete strangers, then I am in agreement. There have been more than sixty girls. Oy. And they've been discovering secrets of success. And here, of course, we get a brief clip of Eva talking about how she loves to be a fame whore. Tyra adds that the girls have succeeded on the runway, at which we quite mysteriously see Yoanna and then, less mysteriously, Ann. They've also been on the cover of Elle Girl, if they're Nicole. They've also been on TV, in the case of Yoanna and...dread...on the silver screen if they are Fucking Yaya. [Shudder.] More clips of stuff we will see a bit later on. Tyra tells us that this is about making it, which makes Shandi's absence even more mysterious.
The most exciting part of this whole thing is, of course, the commercials for Season 6. Someone's a stripper, someone's maybe racist, someone's a big ol' Lisa-sized drunk, and someone is encouraging nudity among her fellow contestants. Yippee! And then Jay tells the girls that they're going bald, but I'm sure that's a fake-out and that they'll just be wearing bald skullcap wig thingies. In any case, I can hardly wait!
Tyra stands in front of a "photo shoot" and tells us that tonight we're talking about success. I thought we were talking about the lives of former Top Model contestants. You have to "want it," and if you're chasing your dreams, look no farther than Los Angeles. Unless, you know, your dream is to be a model. I mean, Jesus. And speaking of Jesus, Tyra clarifies for us that Los Angeles is The City of Angels. Thanks for the lesson en español, Tyra! Mucho respeto! Tyra is wearing a shirt that emphasizes her bosomy assets. That is to say, "Any shirt you care to name."
The first of the Top Model L.A. women is, of course, Miss Eva. We see photos from her portfolio, and then footage of her Season 3 victory. A present-day, blonde-mohawked Eva tells us that if she had to describe herself in one word, it would be "blessed." Funny, of all the one words I could think of to describe her that begin with the letter "b," that one didn't cross my mind at all. She does look pretty good, though. We see footage of her on a few runways. She says that, since winning, she's been featured in Elle and Elle Girl. I think that contractually bargained accomplishments shouldn't be counted. She also says that Cover Girl has been amazing, and that she loves flipping through magazines and seeing her full-page ads. She says nonchalantly that she found out while at the nail shop that she was in Marie Claire this month. Well la dee dah. Eva adds quite unnecessarily that she lights up when a camera is around, because she's a big old attention whore. She also calls herself a rebel and a wild child and says that she was born with presence. And also, humility. But really, it's hard to argue that Eva hasn't done pretty well for herself. She's not really a model, but I don't necessarily think that matters, or that she even really ever wanted to be a model. She says that she's been on many best-dressed lists, and knocks on wood. She's also been at a shitload of award ceremonies. At one, Terrence Howard calls her the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. And (a) you can't fool us, we know you're gay; (b) that's because SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU. But with a bit less 'stache. Seriously, those two are like TWINS. She could go in his stead to the Oscars and no one would be any the wiser. Because Eva, too, believes that it's hard out here for a pimp.
Eva also wants to be a movie star. Again, go figure. She just finished a film called Crossover. I wonder when I'll be able to put that on my Netflix queue. Eva says that modeling allows her to be a starving actor while eating steak. For at least a little while there, steak = Missy Elliot. Now, I'm not so sure. Eva says that she's beyond ecstatic to have achieved some of the goals she set for herself as a child.
we have Season 1 Shannon, she of the Christ-loving blog. We flash back to Shannon's choice not to pose nude. She reiterates that she didn't pose nude because she wasn't comfortable doing so. Shannon looks...I hate to say it, since she is probably at least a good 5-7 years younger than I, but she looks old. And jowly. I think she might be wearing a wig, too. I don't know. She's wanted to be a model since she was five, and it's a great blessing that her dreams have become a reality. Shannon tells us that she has worked for Richard Tyler, Teen Vogue, and Australia's Sydney magazine. She's been going to castings for Fashion Week, and she's doing great. There are a lot of words that are coming out of her giant mouth, and all of them are pretty devoid of meaning. She's happily boring. She loves Jesus, and Jesus loves her. She loves being on the runway. She loves being photographed. She loves everything. She tells us that her dreams are coming to life, which I guess means that purple unicorns dance around in her bedroom day and night. And then she tells us that she's writing her autobiography. I want her to write it, and have Oprah pick it for her book club, and then for it to come out that she totally lost it at fourteen and was, like, a syphilis-laden business-convention hooker for many years before devising the Shannon persona for the Top Model cameras. Oprah does not take that kind of stuff lightly, or so I've heard. Shannon reminds us that, on the show, she brought in a poster of the male model she wanted to meet, whose name was Brad, and then they brought him on the show. Flashback to Shannon yelling, "Oh mah word!" Awww, I miss Season 1. She says that now she has a poster of her boyfriend. She pulls out a big black and white poster of a guy who looks kind of like Lance Armstrong but with really ripply chest muscles and, most likely, two testicles. But Shannon wouldn't know for sure because, she is sure to remind us, she's still a virgin and will be until she gets married. I predict that the title of Shannon's autobiography will be, Oh Mah Word! I Finally Lost It!. I would maybe check that out of the library.
we see Season 2's Mercedes of lupus fame. We flash back to Mercedes losing and being very sad. Now she's in Hollywood and has been working as an actress and a catalogue model. She says she's traveled to San Francisco to do a shoot with Mervyns. I do not know what that is. ["It's a discount clothing department store in California, at about the same level as Kohl's." -- Wing Chun] She's also been in a national Sears commercial. Mercedes drives a car. She is pursuing acting. Her "mother agency" is New Model Management. She is not quite as cute as she used to be, but she's still pretty cute. She says that you just have to be optimistic, and then you book work. Or, you die beaten-down and impoverished in some random motel room. Mercedes has done guest spots on UPN shows, including All Of Us, and she's working on a film called Unemployed. That's a likely story. It's like when my mom asked me, "Potes, are you gay?" and I said, "Mom, I thought I told you: I'm working on a film called I Like To Make It With Girls." And now what we've all been waiting for, the lupus update. Remember how Janice totally loved Mercedes after she said she had lupus? Mercedes is the Lupus Foundation of America's spokesperson, and says that she uses her exposure to get funding for education, awareness, and research. See, that's good stuff. Mercedes feels successful and says she's independent, sexy, and free.
is Season 4's Brittany. And I have to confess to you that every time I write the season that the girl is from, I totally start to write "Cycle" and then have to erase it. You may have infiltrated my mind, Top Model, but you will not prevail! We get footage of wild and crazy Brittany exposing various body parts to her fellow contestants and strangers (too many to link). She says that she loves living in L.A. Brittany is totally being shot through cheesecloth or that lens that they filmed Cybill Shepherd with on Moonlighting or something. She's all fuzzy. She says that she worked during L.A. Fashion Week for both Frederick's of Hollywood and J. Lo. And you said she couldn't do couture! Brittany went back to South Africa with Von Dutch, and also had a guest role on UPN's Love, Inc. She says that things have been good so far, and that she just has to keep working. She goes on a casting for GenLux magazine, which she seems to pronounce as "Gran Lux." It appears to go okay. Brittany then tells us that Top Model definitely helped out her love life: her boyfriend is Burton from Survivor. And I have to confess that I have no idea who that is. If Brittany were to date according to my knowledge of Survivor, she'd be all, "I'm dating Ethan Zohn from Survivor." And the only reason I know Ethan Zohn is because he went to my college, where it was widely rumored that he had chronic gingivitis. ["She could do worse than Burton if she's dating from the ex-Survivor pool: he looks like Eric Bana." -- Wing Chun] Brittany goes to a swimwear shoot where the photographer says, "Nice body." She does, indeed, have a nice body. She also, it is no surprise, is still kind of a lush. But only after a day of hard work. She says that her personality hasn't changed, and that she's the same goofy, crazy girl that she's always been. We end with that great muddy photo of her.
Tyra tells us that there's another Top Model who's new to the L.A. scene and who is, in fact, still getting used to being called "the winner." Yes, it is Season 5's Nicole. A shaggy Nicole says that she's having fun and wants to continue to model as long as she can. Jay says that Nicole was the perfect choice, because she looks like all the real top models of the moment. We see little-kid pictures of Nicole, interspersed with the boring wasteland that is South Dakota. How can this little girl with big dreams ever get out of Magnanimous Teaspoons and become a real live fashion model? When Tyra Banks becomes involved, anything is possible.
Nicole says that her family has been great and supportive. And then she goes on to tell us that her sister Jamie is one of her best friends in the world. Ummm...okay. Don't cry to us about how your mom likes your sister better and you were never good enough because of the fucking sister that you obviously hate and then try to switch the story. Her sister says that she thinks Nicole is the most beautiful girl in the world, and her mom says that she's very glad that Nicole won. She notes that Nicole has a lot of "personality." Nice passive-aggressive add-in, mom! Nicole's father says that they had a family bet going on about Nicole's chances. Her mom is apparently out some serious cash.
Nicole flies from Grand Forks to L.A. She says that she'll miss her family, and especially her sister. But not that much! Because she loves L.A., with its weather and its Beverly Hills shopping and its golf. Apparently Nicole is a golfer. Who knew? Nicole has a shoot with Ford to fill up her book. She's become a stronger person having to be on her own and work and blah blah blah. She looks not as pretty as she did when she was on the show, which seems to be a common phenomenon for Top Model winners. But we'll get to Naima a little later. Nicole goes to New York to do an eyewear shoot for Cover Girl. So now Cover Girl is in the business of attending to our optical health? Great. Nicole feels blessed and lucky, and says it's exciting for her to see herself in magazines. Tyra tells us that if we're wowed by that, we should wait until later, when we will see Nicole rock Paris.
It is almost time for a commercial. But before we go, Tyra tells us that they got some of the Season 5 girls together to answer scripted questions which they pick out of a hat. Guess they had a break from filming the thousand episodes of The Tyra Banks Show that they're always on. The girls are Lisa, Bre, Cassandra, Sarah, and Kim. And you know that Sarah and Kim are seated uncomfortably to one another. I'm just waiting for Tyra to run in and once again start trying to get Sarah to confess that she is actually a lesbian and still in love with Kim. Kim gets the question, "Who had the most bizarre behavior on the show?" That is a tough one, given the preponderance of crazy bitches last season. Everyone looks at Lisa, who says that the house was so intense that it drove her crazy, and that she at least had to entertain herself. Cut to vintage Lisa footage with bubbles and drunkenness (again, too many incidents for one link) and funny glasses. Lisa thought that she was so much fun, and doesn't understand why everybody hated her. She turns to the other girls to verify that she's nice, and Cassandra says that Lisa is crazy but not mean. There's a ringing endorsement for you. Lisa, who is totally drunk, tells us that she did a show for Sebastian's International, and got to fly on a swing over the whole Kodak Theater, which she loved, probably because she got to spit on people from way up high.
The question is, "How has appearing in the competition improved your life?" Bre says that instead of having to break down doors to get auditions, people now call her. The fine folks at Nature Valley wanted Bre, and they made no bones about it. Cassandra says that she's stayed busy, and that she's now interning for a UPN affiliate. Kim agrees that the show has opened doors in terms of acting and whatnot. Kim says that it's important to her to be a good representative for the gay community. Well, too late. She was on the cover of Go NYC, has been doing a little modeling, and might appear on The L Word. People have also come up to her and told her that she was a role model, or helped them to be more open and confident about their own sexuality, and I think we can all say for sure that that is a good thing. Lisa tells all the girls that they should take a moment and appreciate this moment together. Kim throws a pillow at her as we finally head to commercials.
And before we return, we get another commercial for Season 6, in which Leslie seems like she might be kind of an asshole. Since she was my early pick for the winner, I must say: drat.
Tyra tells us that when it comes to making it, there's no place by New York City. But if you're going to make it there, she says, "you'd better prowl that concrete jungle...like you own it." I would think that if you owned New York City, you wouldn't have much trouble finding modeling jobs at all. Tyra's shirt is kind of short-ish and it makes her look rather thick through the middle, which might also be a byproduct of how it emphasizes her already huge chest. She was in a state of revived beauty last season, but I think she might be slipping. I just saw on Best Week Ever how she went undercover at a strip club to see why men enjoy strip clubs so much (which, I know, way to handle the hard-hitting and not obvious topics, Tyra) and then she was going to strip also. She's totally the Gloria Steinem of the 2000s. Except that she chickened out at the last minute, and no stripping occurred. Way to not cross a line after letting the Victoria's Secret catalogue-loving world become so familiar with your cleavage that they could fashion a replica out of an ice cream cake. Here's to integrity!
Anyway, like a bad case of recurrent shingles, the first predator in the concrete jungle is Yaya. Yes, Fucking Yaya. We get flashbacks of Yaya being pretty and compliant, which I think we can all agree is an unfair representation. Yaya says that since we first met her, she's had a lot of time to sit with herself and figure out what she wants to do. She says, "This is it. I'm an actor." Quick, someone notify the Academy. We see Yaya's Radio Shack commercial, in which she plays against type and acts like a spoiled jerk. She's also going to appear in the film Take The Lead starring Antonio Banderas, which seems to be a fictionalized version of Mad Hot Ballroom but with inner-city high-school kids rather than elementary or middle schoolers. She walks on the streets of New York, and she is wearing Ugg Boots, as several of the other girls in this special are. And Ugg boots are, of course, the world's most hideous shoe. I am particularly pleased to see Yaya wearing them several years after they've been declared over. Yaya tells us how excited she was to hear that she got the part in the movie. She was on the street and she screamed and jumped up and down, and then stopped because people were looking at her. But then she started screaming and jumping up and down again, because she's just so charming and spontaneous. She tells us more about her character in the movie, a student named Lahrette, and we see a few clips. Then she talks a lot about Antonio Banderas, and in a roundabout way intimates that she pretty much sucked on her first day and had a diva crying fit in the bathroom. But Antonio was there to calm her down. He was probably just so excited not to be looking at Melanie Griffith's puffy fish lips that he wanted the day to go on as long as possible. Yaya says that she's just going about her life and sometimes forgets that she's a recognizable face. But she never forgets how humble she is, on account of how people are always reminding her of it. She's very busy and hopes that her hard work will pay off. She says that it's less her hard work, and more the hard work of all the people who have paved the way. I guess she means like Adrienne and Yoanna. She hopes that she can make them proud. Oh, Yaya. You already have!
up is Season 3 Ann. We get clips of her crying about the whole Eva thing, and then cut to a weepy present-day Ann who acknowledges that she's crying on television again. Ann is so gorgeous it's sick. She's also very shiny and red in her interview, almost like she's had a bad chemical peel or something. She says the most surprising thing she's learned about herself is that she can actually be a model. She explains that she was an athlete and never gave a damn about the way she looked or thought that she was particularly pretty. Shortly after the show ended, she got a call from Elite Model Management, which now represents her. We see Ann working out, and she says she's been busier in the past year than ever before in her life, and that if she gets a chance to work out, it negates some of the stress. She says that life in New York is a lot different than what she's used to. She explains the casting process, and we see her in action. She says that runway work is most fun for her, and notes that she's done runway work for Cynthia Rowley, Richard Tyler, and hater of thighs Marc Bouwer. She's also been in GQ twice, in Italian Glamour, and got the cover of D.C. Style. We see some photos, and she looks really, really great and/or like a young Priscilla Beaulieulieulieu Presley. I really do think that Ann's the most modelesque contestant the show has ever had. She feels very lucky, desires success, and will do anything she has to to achieve it. Well done, Ann.
is fellow gorgeous brunette Yoanna. We see footage of Yoanna winning, and then present-day Yoanna, who has one of those super-blunt-banged haircuts and does not look as good as one might hope. She says that she was in a daze when she won, and felt like she had finished the race. She wondered what would happen . Unfortunately for Yoanna, the answer was "not too much." She talks about how busy she was the first year after she won, and how much she traveled, and says in a very scripted way that she went on "castings and go-sees galore." I mean, we all know that Yoanna didn't exactly set the world on fire, so I don't know why there's all the pretense. I would actually love to hear someone talk about how they struggled, because I think that's a more realistic and interesting story. Which leads me to mention that Adrienne and Elyse are conspicuously absent from this special. How I wish that we could see them have a little on-camera reunion. Yoanna tells us that she's now being represented by IMG Models, and that she's grateful for all of the positive changes in her life. She hosts a show on the Style Network called The Look for Less. ["Ah, the launching pad that vaulted Elisabeth Filarski-Hasselbeck onto The View. That show has a lot to answer for." -- Wing Chun] We see clips in which it appears as though Yoanna is quite terrible, but happily so. She says that the show is fun, and that she gets to work with celebrity stylists to try to recreate designer runway looks on a budget. She's also been corresponding backstage at the Los Angeles and New York Fashion Weeks. She says that the biggest thrill of all is being independent and not having to rely on a man or anything. What radical and forward thinking! Perhaps Betty Friedan has been reincarnated as Yoanna. She says that the ANTM experience and living in New York have made her tougher. She gives us her formula for modeling success: dream big, plan big, and go for it.
And then: Season 2's Camille, she of the signature walk and bad attitude. She says that someone has to be the villain, and for Season 2, she was it. No one steps in to disagree. Camille is delusional as ever. In her interview, she's sitting on a big armchair and has one leg slung over the side. She says that she's traveled extensively since being on the show, and just returned from India, where she was part of a campaign to raise AIDS awareness through fashion. We see footage of Camille on a runway somewhere. She says that she's living her dream not only as a top model but as an international model turned designer. Yes, you read right: Camille is now a proud designer of "Linger-wear," which is lingerie that you can wear on the outside. In other words: clothing for whores. They're bras and underwear in various garish colors. Now, when you think of bras and underwear in various colors, who comes to mind? Yes, that's right! Season 4's Naima! Turns out that Naima had her people contact Camille because she wanted to model Camille's linger-wear. She also brought her twin sister Nia to do some modeling. Camille was very excited about the whole thing. I wish that this paragraph actually referred to Camille Paglia and her brand-new linger-wear line. That would be at once both more amusing and more realistic. Camille says that she's been an inspiration to a lot of girls in the West Indies, who see that if she can make it, anyone can. Well put, Camille!
And speaking of Naima, we now get her update. As you might suspect, it is very, very short. I was a big fan of Naima on Season 4, but it must be said that she does not look good. She tells us that she's doing a campaign with Kenneth Flanagan, who is launching with Saks Fifth Avenue, and that she has done several charity events. She makes it sound like she's had a lot of jobs, but never gets into specifics, because there are none. We see clips of her "My Life As a Cover Girl" spots, as if having to sit through Yaya for two minutes wasn't enough torture. Naima says that she doesn't think it helps to be a diva, and that she doesn't want to put herself in a position where she's not Naima anymore. She really is a space cadet. Then it is time for the obligatory Tyra shout-out, in which Naima says that she's always struggled with self-confidence, and that Tyra has helped her a lot and taught her to be ambitious. Naima says she knows that she's inspired a lot of people, but wants to go even further so that she can continue doing what she loves to do: helping people. Well, I'm glad that modeling isn't what she wants to do, because she'd have a bit of a harder time at that, it seems.
, we learn what Miss Toccara Season 3 is up to. The motif of this segment is, "Toccara has giant boobs, remember?" We get clips of her walking in a swimsuit at casting, and Miss J. comments on her large "puppies." Current Toccara says that she thought she looked fierce. She says that she's Toccara and that she loves Toccara no matter what her size is or what anyone else thinks. She says that ANTM was a blessing, and that she's been everywhere and done so much. She did a campaign for a plus-sized clothing line, she's been on the cover of Black Woman, Braids, Black Man, and Be; her most recent cover was King. This stirred up a whole lot of controversy on account of how it was nudie-esque. Toccara says that she's becoming a plus-sized sex symbol, and laughs. Toccara walks down the street and happens to see three of her magazine covers at a newsstand. Quelle coincidence! She says that seeing yourself in a magazine is breathtaking. She yells and carries on, and the guy who runs the newsstand practically has "WTF?" written in wrinkles on his forehead. , Toccara is at the famous Sylvia's Soul Food kitchen doing a cooking segment for Extra. She is wearing an outfit that does not flatter her - it's a tight turtleneck with a skirt that sits right underneath her breasts. Or it is quite possible that her breasts are actually sagging down to her waist. I had a Women's Studies professor in college who always wore a blazer over a turtleneck, which made her so mysteriously-chested that my friends and I could never tell if she was totally flat or just really, really saggy. She also did a great job of teaching us how not to objectify women's bodies. Toccara says that you never know when your run will be up, so you have to take the opportunity to build something and leave a legacy. She hopes that a plus-sized girl will one day win Top Model so that Toccara can feel like she paved the way. Like a much bigger Rosa Parks, is Toccara. I find it suspicious that even after all those Top Model marathons that VH1 has, there was not one word about Celebrity Fit Club in the Toccara segment. Commercials.
When we return, Tyra tells us that it takes more than a nice body and high cheekbones to make it as a top model. In fact, it takes courage. Yes, let's all salute the heroes that dare to parade around in skimpy outfits that show their what's-its and snort cocaine from one another's' buttocks. They are the true moral fabric of our nation. Sometimes Tyra kills me. Anyway, it's the personal tragedy slash "Thank you, Saint Tyra" montage. Clips of Eva and Toccara being redressed for their nasty attitude and crying, respectively, lead us in. Tyra voices over her standard bullshit about having to be beautiful from the inside out, and notes that some girls had to do a lot of soul-searching. We see Eva at her Season 3 audition. She denies being rude and nasty and trying to hurt people's feelings. But Tyra says that Eva, in fact, does want to hurt the feelings of others because her feelings have been hurt. Present-day Eva says that Tyra has a way of talking to you and breaking you down very quickly. Season 3 Eva starts crying, and if you want to know exactly how it all went down, you can read it here. Present-day Eva says that she was in a scary situation and wanted to be assertive, but was maybe a little too aggressive. But then Tyra broke her down and everything "fell into place." Note to all future Top Model contestants: just let Tyra have her way with you and pretend to believe her bullshit and you will win.
And then there's Yoanna, whose problem was a crippling lack of self-confidence. Present-day Yoanna says that she was very passive and wouldn't speak up or defend herself. I don't know about that, given her repeated kerfluffles with Camille. Tyra voices over that Yoanna's real problem was that she was previously a fatty. She lost sixty pounds, but not the feeling of being a fat girl. And of course this wasn't helped by the judges talking about how saggy she was and stuff like that. But Yoanna claims that Tyra's help through the whole ordeal helped her to believe in herself, "emote [sic] confidence," and blossom. Or maybe she actually turned into Blossom and now wears a flowered hat everywhere while chilling with Six.
And then, Toccara. Her confidence appeared big, but underneath there was "a big hurt" that held her back. We see Toccara breaking down in front of Tyra about some sort of mysterious thing involving her parents. Present-day Toccara talks about how the healing power of Tyra helped her. She seems fine. Tyra tells us that all of the girls faced their fears, and that absolutely nothing can stop them now. I think "absolutely nothing" might be overstating it a bit.
And we are back to our Season 5 losers answering random questions. Someone has a tiny little dog in a sweater. Sarah reads the first question, which is whether anyone would have done anything differently if they had a second chance. Cassandra says that she never would have said she was a beauty queen, because it was always used against her. It totally was, too. Good for her for not saying that she wouldn't have walked off the show. Kim says that she would have stood up for herself a little more. Bre says that she wouldn't have cried so much. She would have laughed things off and not taken them so personally. We focus on Bre for a moment and discover that she has more than a pinch of the Camille delusions. She says that before the show she was just Bre, a person working in retail, but now Bre is a commodity. People don't see Bre as being the girl from Harlem; they see her as being Bre the top model. She refers to herself in the third person throughout, and it's creepy. She says that she's willing to jump through any hoops to get to where she's gotta go. I hope where she's gotta go is far, far away. She walks in some radio station fashion show, and we discover that the little dog is hers. Of course.
Back with the rest of the girls, Bre says that all of the girls are capable of succeeding, and that all of them proved that by entering the competition and staying with it. So I guess that doesn't actually count Cassandra, who totally did not stay with it. Sarah says that her dreams are bigger now than they were before, and that she's much more confident. We see clips of Sarah stumbling on the runway. Bre says that Sarah looks beautiful. We focus on Sarah for a moment, and she says that she's wearing heels more and hasn't tripped recently. Well that's quite an accomplishment! Sarah says that her lifestyle is similar to what it used to be pre-show, but that she can't run to Wal-Mart in her pajamas anymore because she is a local celebrity of sorts.
Then, Sarah must answer a question about Kim. We see the footage of Sarah kissing Kim in the limo. Sarah coyly yet uncomfortably says that she and Kim talk and speak and are friendly-"ish." Sarah says for the millionth time that she is not now nor was she ever in love with Kim, but allows that she was definitely infatuated by Kim. Cut back to all the girls together, where Lisa says that, if given the opportunity, she too would have made out with Kim. Yes, but Lisa also made sweet, tender love to a ficus. Sarah and Kim are doing that "accidental" sitting close arm-touchy thing that they probably think is subtle but is totally obvious to the rest of the world. They still want to get in each other's pants. Sit with that for a minute while we head to commercials.
When we return, Tyra asks us to imagine jet-setting to Paris for a hot fashion shoot with one of the world's best photographers. Yes, it's time to shoot Nicole's Elle cover spread with Gilles Bensimon. Will the country bumpkin be able to handle it? Tyra invites us to go "from the Prairie to Par-eee" to find out.
We see lovely Paris. Then we see lovely Nicole. She says that coming to Paris is amazing and that she's excited to claim her prize-winning haute couture spread. She is definitely reading from a script. She defines haute couture for us as being super-fancy, expensive, beautiful, and over-the-top. We see Gilles, and he is creepy as ever. Nicole says that she was nervous, but that this is a big moment for her career, and she is confident that she can do it. We meet some foreign lady whose name I don't catch. She is the style director of Elle, and says that haute couture is a magic word ["or phrase" -- Wing Chun], and is for princesses, and that shooting a couture spread for Elle "is like to live in a dream." time I am in a jam, I will be sure to yell "haute couture!" at the top of my lungs to be transported into a dream filled with creepy foreigners. And since I will be a princess, that means I'll also be a creepy foreigner, too, so the others won't bother me so much.
And speaking of Gilles Bensimon, he has some thoughts, which the Top Model editors have handily captioned for us: "Couture is a challenge for somebody new because it's not just a fashion story; it's more than that. But...it's a good challenge." The Elle style director continues to talk up haute couture. Nicole wears some crazy-elaborate clothes and feels pretty, princess-like, sophisticated, and chic. Her photos look good, but she seems really sad, like she's had all the goofy life force taken out of her. She claims to be happy, but she's still reading from a script.
Back to the other Season 5 girls, who seem to be having a much better time. They are asked who was the biggest drama queen. Several girls say Kim, which seems pretty funny given a certain incident called Granola-Gate. Kim points the finger at Cassandra, what with the whole hair incident. Cassandra mock-denies it and says it wasn't her, but we see the clip of Jay telling her to leave his set. Cassandra says that she made ANTM history. She knew that her decision to leave a show would be a big deal, but had no idea exactly how big. Just like the rest of us, Cassandra Googles herself. I find that kind of charming. She says that she's set to host a regional show in South Texas.
We return to the other girls. The question is what changes the girls have seen in themselves after ANTM. Bre says that she used to be something of a fatty in college, but put the shoe rubber to the road and stopped eating chicken and got herself in shape. Before you start sending me email or "for your consideration" copies of Crash, she specifically said "chicken." Bre says that if she can make it, anybody can. Cassandra says that being on Top Model makes other things seem more attainable. Lisa dances around like a crazy person, and with that...we're not quite out. Commercials.
Tyra tells us when we return that we should feast our eyes on the girls who walk in New York's Fashion Week. Designers and celebrities including Moby and Mena Suvari have their eyes on the "new glam It girls from America's Top Model." Moby must be really bored these days. Nicole tells us that she loves Fashion Week. Girls do little red-carpet interviews. There is a big photo shoot of the girls draped over a Ford Fusion. The designer of Alice and Olivia, who apparently doesn't have a name, partnered with Elle Girl and Ford to have the Top Model girls walk in their show. That's some kind of a short straw, right there. Not only do you have incapable models, you have a big-ass Ford parked in your runway. At least it's not on fire. Keenya, April, and Kahlen were there, along with some of the girls we've already seen. Kim walks like she has a gimpy leg. The whole thing benefits "the race for the cure" for breast cancer. Some of the models attempt to say something meaningful, but before we have a chance to get cynical, Lisa sticks her face in the camera and says it's party time. The girls go to a bar called Libation to celebrate. And then, Tyra says, it's time to catch a little shut-eye and dream sweet dreams about taking off down the runway.
Finally -- and I do mean finally -- Tyra wraps up by telling us that these girls not only have the look, they have the soul of a fighter. ["All of them share the soul of that one fighter." -- Wing Chun] Tyra says that the competition is about life lessons and helping the girls to achieve more than they ever imagined. It's a good thing so many of those girls suffered from low self-esteem and a lack of life goals. And week, we will have bitches afresh to mock and malign. Hooray! See you Wednesday for the two-hour premiere!